#you wall got me writing meta what the hell

[beautifulhigh]

Hi hi!! It's unfair of me to ask you to actually write the full essay on the rwrb red room kiss scene, but I saw your tags and am very interested in at least what the main thesis would be, if you feel like sharing!! No worries if not 😊 Have a good night/day/whatever time it is where you are!

The last few weeks have been, well. They've Been™ and I'm going to use this wonderful ask to dust off my overthinking tag and write a meta post on this movie, these boys, and then hope more than three people care what I have to say.

The Red Room kiss scene is Iconic™ and Important™ and in this essay I (really) will discuss agency, framing, and why it always had to be Alex to be the one to make the move.

While book!Alex takes book!Henry to the Red Room, here he's waiting. Bundle of nervous energy. He doesn't know what to do with himself, how to hold himself, how to present himself when Henry turns up. He's backlit in this (which is a theatre technique, I see you Matthew) but it also adds to the drama and tension of the scene.

The (in)famous painting of Hamilton, about to bear witness to things.

We jump cut between Alex trying to find... something. Here he is realising his shirt has come slightly undone and he wants to try and be somewhat presentable. At least for the moment. But it speaks to Alex's physicality in this scene because he is shifting and moving so much that his clothing is shifting. There's also an interpretation that this suit represents the formality of the situation - the Prime Minister's dinner, at which he (the First Son) and the boy he wants to kiss (the actual Prinec) are supposed to be front and centre and the picture of formality.

He's coming undone in this moment because he's the First Son and he's waiting for the Prince, but he's also Alex and he's waiting for Henry.

Ah, yes. The casual lean against the wall. Fancy seeing you here, your Royal Highness, what do you think of the menu? But there's grounding here too. When you're spiralling focusing on a physical point of contact between you and and something can help ground you.

It's also a defensive stance in a way. You shall not pass, I'm not moving. Alex is claiming space and territory and he's controlling it.

"How dare you fucking kiss me, run away, ghost me, then walk into the White House like nothing changed." This is closed off, defensive, protective - probably why it's the quickest of the poses to be dismissed. He's got his back against the wall like he's scared or ready to come out fighting. And, in a way, both of those are true.

Book!Alex is mid-crisis on his bisexuality and while he logically knows he is very much into Henry, he's not gotten to the point of turning theory into reality.

Movie!Alex is more chill about being into guys, but this attraction to Henry is confusing him. He hates the guy. He wants to punch him in the mouth. With his mouth.

(What? That's literally book canon: and if he weren’t already hell-bent on destroying Henry’s infuriating idiot face with his mouth right now, he would consider doing it with his fist.)

Casual lean against the table, less staged and jarring than the extended arm against the wall.

But then Henry walks in and Alex stands to attention and he is... rapt. He is calm and composed and he is focused. We're back to the back-lit position which helps frame him with a near-halo effect.

And you can see that he is relaxed. There's a slight drop in the jaw, his shoulders are sloped and rounded. Because none on what he was trying to convey before matters. Henry is here.

"Look" he starts with - he's expecting a fight. He's expecting Alex to go off on one for the kiss, for the liberty taken. Even if Alex is willing to forget that it ever happened, take Henry's secret to the grave, Henry gets one thing right in this.

"my behaviour was appalling"

Because it was. Look, Hen, I love you and I'm with Alex in the feeling that I will go to war for you to see you happy and safe. But you did kinda kiss him without consent (harsh reading) and you did ghost him without apology (soft reading) and for a boy raised in the Royal Household that... well... it's pretty much top items on the Very Bad Behaviour list. He did not act with decorum or dignity, he did not act in the way that his status and position demands.

(That's OK, Hen. Because the boy under the linden tree wasn't the Prince. It's OK to not be him, and Alex is going to spend the rest of his life loudly loving the man, not the prince.)

"Shut up, stop talking." // “Shut up, shut all the way up, oh my God,” Alex hisses

Because even though both versions of Alex said he wanted to talk to Henry, in the moment that's the last thing he wants to do. And actions speak louder than words, right?

Why it had to be Alex

Henry needed to make the first move, that New Year's kiss, because there needed to be something to make Alex realise that this thing he's feeling is very much reciprocated, and that Henry wants it too. If Alex had kissed Henry for the first time on New Year's Eve/Day then it would have been too much of a leap. Alex, at whatever stage of his bisexual journey, has no clear idea of Henry's orientation at that party. It's only with retrospective viewing that he realises that Henry was low-key flirting, and that the sharing of these deeply personal moments wasn't just a "two bros in a hot tub" thing.

So Henry had to kiss Alex first but then he had to run because there was no way that the mostly-closeted, private Prince could accept that a) he fucking kissed a boy, b) said boy is the one he's been dreaming of since Rio/Melbourne, and c) the boy kinda?? kissed him back?? Henry will have been having a low-grade anxiety attack all through January (and trying to reclaim some control with the date he went on in the book).

In this moment, Alex knows all the pieces. He's played this logic game to its conclusion and he knows all the facts. 1) Henry is gay. 2) Henry is into him. 3) He's into Henry. That last fact is something Henry isn't fully aware of (or at least can't bring himself to believe it to be true) and so it has to be Alex.

He doesn't want Henry to say something that would get in the way of this, doesn't want to hear any kind of pre-prepared speech of "yeah, we're better off as friends" that always happens when the couple get too close to getting together too early in the run time. Alex is full on shutting that down, shutting Henry up, and he gives as good as he got.

"Wait a minute" // Henry’s too shocked to respond, mouth falling open slackly in a way that’s more surprise than invitation, and for a horrified moment Alex thinks he calculated all wrong, but then Henry’s kissing him back, and it’s everything.

And this time it's both of them. Framed between Hamilton and the books. The American political trailblazer and the literary. In the space between? There's our boys.

Alex's hand is on the wall again and he's controlling the space but Henry is very much in it. He's protective but in a different way.

In one frantic motion, Alex knocks the candelabra off the table next to them and pushes Henry onto it so he’s sitting with his back against—Alex looks up and almost breaks into deranged laughter—a portrait of Alexander Hamilton. Henry’s legs fall open readily and Alex crowds up between them, wrenching Henry’s head back into another searing kiss. They’re really moving now, wrecking each other’s suits, Henry’s lip caught between Alex’s teeth, the portrait’s frame rattling against the wall when Henry’s head drops back and bangs into it. Alex is at his throat, and he’s somewhere between angry and giddy, caught up in the space between years of sworn hate and something else he’s begun to suspect has always been there. It’s white-hot, and he feels crazy with it, lit up from the inside. Henry gives as good as he gets, hooking one knee around the back of Alex’s thigh for leverage, delicate royal sensibilities nowhere in the cut of his teeth. Alex has been learning for a while Henry isn’t what he thought, but it’s something else to feel it this close up, the quiet burn in him, the pent-up person under the perfect veneer who tries and pushes and wants. He drops a hand onto Henry’s thigh, feeling the electrical pulse there, the smooth fabric over hard muscle. He pushes up, up, and Henry’s hand slams down over his, digging his nails in.

The sensibility of the suits is on its way out, they're not the First Son and the Prince. And Alex is taking the lead.

Agency

Henry is somewhat passive in this - although he is fully engaged - but it's Alex who set this in motion. Pun intended. Alex who pushed him against the wall. Alex who pushed him up onto the table and hiked his leg up around his hip, Alex who is driving in. Because Alex needs Henry to know that third fact. The one he's worked out, the one that Henry is just catching up with. This isn't payback, it's not some prank. Alex Wants™.

There's a scene I'm writing in my current FirstPrince WiP in which Alex and Henry have a charged moment. And Henry wants to act on it but those princely sensibilities get in the way and he can't let himself be led into doing something that could be used against him. If Henry made all the moves then the accusation of him taking advantage, of the inherant imbalance that comes with status and titles and positions of power. So in the scene, and here, Alex takes the lead. There's no way anyone could accuse Henry of forcing Alex into doing this.

(Good luck getting Alex to do ANYTHING he doesn't want to.)

So Alex gives and Henry takes and he gets the memo very quickly.

Fact number three. Alex wants this too.

Then Movie!Amy walks in on them (which IMO is way funnier than Book!Amy hissing through a crack in the door) and these idiots try to act like they weren't redefining International Relations a second ago. Alex is by the painting, Henry is by the books. They've gone back to their sides and they're playing at being interested in what they find there. But they're not, it's all for show, someone who gives a passing glance at this point sees this part of them, this side of them The First Son and the Prince: the politician and the literary.

They're both backlit, they're in line even if it doesn't look like it, Alex is no longer on Henry's right, and they're both trying to act like the people that others could see them as.

But we - and they - know better. 1) Henry is gay. 2) Henry is into Alex. 3) Alex is into Henry.

4) Everyone is on the same page now.

(Also I know Casey talked about seeing the Red Room on a White House tour and so that's why they included a scene in that room in their book, but I cannot ignore the fact that red = love and passion and danger and fire [the counter to the water motif] and it's a warm colour designed to excite.)

[williamrikers]

Some Personal Favorite BL Moments of 2023

this is inspired by @lurkingshan's post, thank you for that 😊

Best Show

be my favorite, hands down. this show hooked me right from the very beginning, and each week it kept outdoing itself. the kindest, most compassionate storytelling mixed with some absolutely amazing character journeys and a strong message at its heart, bmf will stay with me forever (and not only because i managed to snatch one of the utterly gorgeous box sets for my collection). 12/10 puffball music boxes

Best Scene

alan and wen pre- and post-breakup at the start of episode 5 of moonlight chicken. i've rewatched these nine minutes more times than i can count. both first and mix do some incredible acting here, and it's such an utter joy to watch. 5/5 crying firsts sliding down a wall

The Scene That Came For My Life The Most

look, i've talked about only friends episode 6 [4/4] before. you all already know that i desire mew carnally for what he did with that audio tape. i have also rewatched this scene an embarrassing amount of times. 96/69 illicit sex tapes

Most Rewatchable Show and Best Main Couple

this one goes to a boss and a babe. i have already rewatched this show twice this year, and i love it more on every single rewatch. i regularly lose my mind about how much i love this silly little show and start waxing poetic about how much this love story means to me, how much i adore gun and cher's weirdness, their communication, their commitment, their gentleness, their mutual respect, the way they help each other and heal each other, the way they make each other feel safe and loved, which my friends from the bl besties server can attest to. maybe one day, i'll put all of my ramblings into a coherent format, but for now please trust that this show is absolutely wonderful and extremely special to me. 1000/10 gaymer friends sleepovers

Best Premise (That Was Utterly Ruined By The Show)

i've got to say dangerous romance, although step by step comes in at a close second. after the second episode of dr, i was out here writing hundreds of words worth of meta, and then... well, then the show became what it unfortunately is, now. i still want to see the show that i was promised (a thriller about two poor brothers who get into hot water because of money issues and end up having to turn to crime to survive, all while the younger brother slowly falls in love with the biggest bully at school, and over the course of the show the bully needs to learn to become a better person and help sailom overcome the trust issues he should have had from growing up constantly threatened and sometimes physically abused by members of the mafia.) -20/10 stupid fucking windmills for ruining something that could have been amazing

Best Side Couple

tiwpor, you will always be famous to me. my school president itself might just have given us crumbs, but i licked those tiny crumbs right off the floor with delight, and when our skyy 2 made it canon, i lost my entire mind. i could not have asked for more. 2/2 couples t-shirts

Best Date

yang and phumjai on their practice date in episode 4 of love in translation was probably the sweetest thing that happened on any bl in 2023. in the later episodes, they had many more beautiful moments together as well as some incredibly amazing physical intimacy (plus, in the extended iqiyi cut, one hell of a foreplay scene), but their sweet date before they had even confessed their feelings has stayed with me. 11/10 slices of pandan

Best Beach Scene(s)

never let me go wins this one. no other show was as devoted to showing off their beautiful beach locations as nlmg this year. watching this show made me yearn for the sea. 1/1 tattoo of your boyfriend's name

Best Rooftop Scene

despite the stiff competition in the form of bmf and cherry magic thailand, last twilight has this one in the bag. the pain, the pining, the heartbreak, the complicated feelings, the desperate kiss... they even lampshaded this trope in the dialogue. stellar scene. 12/10 sunflowers

Best Sensuality

we've had a lot of high heat bls this year, some of them still ongoing, and since billy infamously said "a lot and deeply", i feel like the next episode of the sign might just blow all of our minds. i'm not awarding a best sex scene here so i won't have to eat my words in a few days—however, i feel confident in saying that when it comes to raw sensuality, no one is going to beat ray and sand in only friends this year, no matter how hard the characters on pit babe, playboyy and the sign might be trying. truly, nobody embodies sensual attraction like first and khaotung do. 69/10 sausages that represent blowjobs

Best Minor Character That Stole The Show

gotta agree with the masses here and say nawin laws of attraction. what a guy. every day i miss him. ∞/10 unhinged ex boyfriends

Best Viewing Experience

this is not bl, but it might as well be: midnight museum still feels like a fever dream, i have no idea what the plot even was, i understood maybe 10% of what was happening at any given moment, and i've never had more fun watching anything. this truly is the show of all time. 5/3 roles played by gun atthaphan

Wildest GMMTV Moment

also not a bl, but the piploy pissing in the car scene as an act of revenge in wednesday club would go down in history, if, you know, people had actually watched this show. what can i even say. 3/3 gratuitous pissing scenes

Most Anticipated Show Of 2024

i just had to find a way to mention my golden blood in this post. i am yearning for this show with an intensity i cannot describe. i literally need to see joss bridal carrying gawin as much as possible, it is on the baseline of my hierarchy of needs. no matter whether this turns out to be trashy fun, high camp, an actually serious show, or all three, i win. gmmtv could not have given me anything better to look forward to next year 💖

[starseneyes]

Chenford - Lucy Chen / Tim Bradford - The Rookie - Season 5 - Ep 13

Daddy Cop AKA "Friends Don't Let Friends Murder Board… Alone"

After watching 5x13, I really didn't think I could write the Meta until I had 5x14 for additional context. But after taking a step back and re-evaluating my hangups, I found a way. I do hope you enjoy it!

SPOILER ALERT: If you're looking for a nice, safe, spoiler-free zone... I'm sorry, this ain't it. I will spoil the entirety of the episode and perhaps the entire series to date. It's a LOT of fun, though, if you're up for it!

Ready to see what awaits our delightful duo now that Chenford Coitus has been achieved? Let's dive in!

Nobody Puts Timmy In A Corner

Lucy is sitting at the back of Roll Call so she can keep an eye on Tim. He doesn't even have to turn around for her to feel the misery coming off of him, even through the walls.

Tim hates this. But it's what he has to do for love, right?

My Chair is Moving

Like, this was so personal, and yet so sweet. She totally turned his chair toward her, and he was happy to go along because—let's be real—she's the best part of his day.

Seeing Tim without his set up for his camera on his chest is strange. I know it hasn't been there all along series-wise, but it really stood out to me watching this scene. No need for them to monitor what he's doing with the public because he no longer see the public. He sees... part of a window.

It's been one week based on Canon, so we know he's already bored out of his mind... no matter what he tells his girlfriend. (I will never get over getting to call Lucy Chen that! She's Tim Bradford's girlfriend)

"I thought we said we wound never lie to each other."

There are a million conversations happening between these two that we never see. We have fan fiction where we can speculate on it, but at first blush I really appreciated this glimpse into their shared code.

Now, they spend the entire episode going against said code (which I'll get into at the end of this Meta), but I do like that we have insight into what happens when the camera's not rolling between Tim and Lucy.

"That was a lie." "You're miserable."

She knows her man. I mean, anyone paying attention can tell that Tim's having a horrible time working at a desk. Now, he's got productivity up and whatnot, but he's miserable.

We saw him make the sacrifice play in 5x12, but now seeing him living it is akin to us hearing about the Monster that was his father and then meeting the man, ourselves. It's about as bad as imagined, in both cases, but there's something about seeing it that makes it more "real".

Desk work for Tim Bradford is bleak. But, he'll do whatever it takes to be with the woman he loves.

"No. It's not that bad. Nice people. Low stress. Wait, wait that reminds me... next week." "Thank you." "You're welcome. Be safe out there. I'll see you at the end of shift."

I'm reminded of 4x01 when Lucy asked Tim to be careful over the phone. "I always am," he said. This time, it's Tim who's staying in place and Lucy who's on the move.

And the face she gave him when he gave her the thumbs up? Like, "don't give me the bad baseball thumbs up!" She gives him an aghast look, but he follows up quickly enough to reference the end of shift—his happy place.

The same schedule means they can see each other every day, yes, but during the day it's bloody torture for Tim. There was a song in my youth about living for the weekends. Right now, Tim is living for end-of-shift. (originally I typoed to "end-of-shirt" and that kinda works, too, if ya know what I mean)

When she walks away, he exhales, thinking his charade worked. Hell, no, Tim, my boy. Your girl knows when you're hurting. ("I rode long enough with you to know when you are being you and when you're upset")

Lucy is in the best relationship of her life. No way she's going to stand still while he's struggling. This is the ultimate give-and-take. Tim steps back for Lucy, Lucy steps up for Tim.

"I'm just trying to find a way to keep him from losing his mind." "Is there no other position he can move into?" "No. Everything's at a standstill."

Stripping away the "do they know" question (which I cover in the summary at the end of this Meta), I'm going to just talk about Nyla and Lucy watching out for Tim.

Lucy intervening on Tim's behalf is not surprising. She stood up for him against the Sergeant who wasn't taking the fender-bender case seriously. She recorded multiple books-on-tape for him so he could study for the Sergeant's exam. Heck, she helped renovate his home while he was dating Discount Barbie.

So, Lucy stepping up for Tim would never be what raised red flags on their relationship status change. Yes, I expected someone to comment on Tim being "punished" or something if they weren't aware of the relationship, but since they didn't, we work with what we've got.

And what we've got is everyone aware that Tim's in a job he hates and wants out of.

"Alright, well, then you're going to have to shake things up… create an opening... It means you've gotta get creative. Find a weak link and start a 5-player trade." "Say more."

"Say more" cracks me up. It's so smooth and welcoming.

Girlfriend is finally seeing an angle for her "find Tim a new job" plan. It reminds me of her telling him, once, that he's the king of coming at problems from a sideways angle. Looks like the student really has become the master!

"Metro would be a good fit for Tim... I mean, Hicks might be up for a transfer, a bit more family time... if he left Metro, Tim could take his spot."

The one part I skipped over here is the part that I think would be an interesting test for Tim and Lucy—can they navigate the brutal hours?

I tried to look up the LA Metro to get a little more intel (yes, I'm that Meta writer), but information's sparse online in terms of actual timelines for the teams and shifts. There's likely good reason for it ("Hey, coppers! When will you be off the streets so we can pilfer some golden duckets?"), but I had to check. It's the journalist in me.

It's not like we've never seen Metro before on this show. I was watching an episode the other day where they radio'd to call in Metro and we saw a bunch of folks we didn't know in tactical vests show up. They'll find ways to tie Tim in, I'm sure, but I'll be curious to see if/how it affects Tim and Lucy's relationship.

"What could go wrong?" "A lot for both you and Tim. If Sergeants feel like they're being manipulated, they will never trust you again. And they talk. So the next time you need a favor, and you will, the answer will be no. Forever. So, tread lightly."

Will there be any consequences for all this? I've seen the speculation, but I think all this warning did was encourage Lucy to be crafty. See Exhibit A below.

"Uh, listen, my roommate is an excellent babysitter and she's always looking for work if you ever need someone."

Never underestimate the power of childcare. Especially for parents of multiples. I only had twins, and I can still imagine the chaos of that poor man's house and life. It's a gift, yes, but I wouldn't wish twins on my worst enemy.

Every time I see a character on a show having multiples, I wonder who in the Writer's Room hated them, because it's a tough, tough road. I love my boys forever and ever. But it's a unique challenge raising multiples.

And Hicks is intrigued. Because finding people to watch multiples can be a nightmare, too. Trust me. I've been there and tried all the sites before I finally gave up on Brick-and-Mortar and started working for myself.

The Gang's All Here

This was my second favorite scene of the entire episode. I love the Found Family trope. I love that there is this core of people who have decided to not only work together, but to do life together.

I don't have that through any of my brick-and-mortar jobs (mostly back-stabbers and high drama, there), but I do have it from University. 20 years with the best friends in the world. So, I see these scenes and I see my own Found Family reflected there.

As each group files in (and someone over on Twitter noted quite brilliantly how each door opening coincides with a different method of announcement—knocking, ringing, walking right in), it's adding the layers to the scene. It's not convoluted or complicated or cachophonic. It's harmonious.

You can see how all these very different people work together, compliment one another, and fit together into a jigsaw puzzle of friendship.

And to know that Tim's friends band together to come to his aid means so much. But I hate that he doesn't know.

I understand the subterfuge of doing something great for someone you love—orchestrating a great something. My husband did it for me through a four-hour scavenger hunt marriage proposal that took me through several cities before arriving in the theater where we met. He had production meetings for that proposal.

So, I'm not frustrated at the fact that Lucy did this without taking credit for it. I've done things in secret for my loveyby and him for me.

However, I wish Tim knew how much he was loved. I don't think he fully comprehends that yet, and since this wasn't used as an opportunity to demonstrate that to him, I'm hoping that'll come down the line.

Look, when you grow up thinking you're unlovable, it's powerful when your friends come through for you.

My husband and I had to get a new fridge a few months back. Old one died. But we couldn't afford to go through a box store, so we went Outlet and had to transport it ourselves. One friend fractured a finger. Four others worked together to dismantle and reassemble it to get it into the house. It took 2 hours. They had come over for Matthew's birthday party and instead we moved a fridge.

And not one person complained. We all laughed. We took hilarious photos. We had an amazing time. Because, finally, we have people in our lives who love us without condition.

Tim has that, too, but I sometimes think he doesn't fully understand it. I do wish he knew how much they love him and how they all came together to help him as an act of love.

And if he doesn't find out about this, I do hope there's still a time down the line when Tim Bradford will fully realize how much his Found Family loves him.

"Oh, you look surprised. Wait, weren't you on the group text?"

I'm DYING. DYING that they have a group chat and somehow Nolan still missed it. I know he said that he unplugs when he gets home (which is a great thing to do, but I don't know if he'll continue to move up the ranks without being more easy-to-reach). But it really made me cackle.

And I have to say that the choice to put the post-its on the windows so they could shoot through was really genius. My favorite logistical decision of the episode. Credit to the writer, director, set designer, or whoever said, "This is the way".

But Tim's reaction to Nolan throwing up his arm to block his way cracked me up. Like, Eric Winter's physicality as Tim never fails to amuse and amaze.

And Lucy's "where the hell do I put these things!?" face had me rolling. Melissa O'Neil has had a lot of room for humor these past few episodes, and it's fun to see her show off her chops.

"Is that Lucy's car?"

Yes, Tim. And Wesley's, James'. It's a party! But, of course, the only one he cares about belongs to his love.

And how on-brand is it for Tim that he doesn't care about the air conditioning ("air conditioning makes you soft") but he was all about getting to watch the game? I cackled.

Tim clocks Lucy across the room and Angela clocks their interaction, casting knowing glances towards Bailey and Nyla. Hermana, never change. That choice was all Alyssa Diaz and I love it.

"You okay?" "Yeah. Couldn't be better."

It's not a lie! But, she certainly has a lot on her mind, and as soon as he walks into the room, Tim's forgotten the game. He's focused solely on her.

Smitty and Lucy

This is a tiny detail I spotted as Lucy walks into the room, but it made me laugh. The sign on the door has been switched to "occupied" but the door is wide open. Did Smitty set it to occupied but forget to close the door? Did someone else switch the sign to warn of Smitty? The possibilities are hilarious!

And Lucy Chen loves Tim Bradford so much that she's willing to make a blind deal with Smitty, of all people. And does Smitty know about Lucy and Tim? Is he writing fanfiction of the two of them at his desk instead of working?

"Nothing weird." "Nothing weird. I promise."

Because with Smitty, you have to clarify. Still, she's braver than I am to make this deal with zero idea what he'll demand in return for this favor.

"Deal."

Taking your husband's words? I stan a couple who are so in love they pick up on one another's phrasing. I can think of two recent examples of Tim ending a conversation with "Deal" from my re-viewings. With Genny at their family house, and with Lucy when she told him to ask her out, again, after she dumped Dead-Weight-Chris.

So, Lucy's subconsciously picking up on Tim's words, and that cracks me up.

My husband picks up on my phrasing, but it's more obvious because I make up things. Like when our twins were tiny and complaining about random things, I'd call them "Complainababy" and if they were congested they were "Conjestababy". Yes, I understand normal people don't do that. I embrace who I am.

And watch how she flexes her hands as soon as she leaves the room to rid herself of the awful feeling of making a deal with the Smitty. Sorry, Lucy, but there won't be enough hand sanitizer in the world to save you from what he has planned for you.

"Hey." "Hey." "I just heard Lauren Fuji is retiring." "Really? That's surprising."

I have thoughts about this that are at the bottom of the episode notes, so skip there if you want my honest thoughts on this right away. Or you can keep reading the Meta and we'll get to that later.

"Don't you get it? It means there's an opening in Metro. Well, at least there was."

This is the first information to Lucy that's new, and she cocks her head at it. Because it is completely plausible that someone else swooped in and took the position she tried so hard to hand-carve for Tim. And that would suck, but it can totally happen.

And I love the way Tim (via Eric Winter) is punctuating his words, here. Tim is pumped up and excited, and it's so beautiful to see. He has been through so much heartache throughout the run of this show. We've seen Tim Bradford at his lowest.

But now we get to see him on the way up in a big way.

"Lieutenant Pine just called me 15 minutes ago, and I'm going over."

Timothy Bradford, you are gushing with excitement as you talk to your woman. I love how he leans forward toward her, like a kid with a secret that they can't help but share on the playground.

"That's great! Congratulations."

Lucy gives him a chest tap because she is truly excited for her man. I'm a tapper, myself, with my husband. So I think it's cute we share that, me and my fictional bestie.

But, she's also looking around the station to see if anyone noticed.

"Thanks. Grey gave me rock star review." "Well, he should. You're amazing."

Lucy's heart eyes and Tim's smile are sending me. He is smiling with all his teeth and every beautiful laugh line is alight with pure joy.

I'm also strangely excited to learn that Eric Winter's nose wrinkles like mine when he smiles big, sometimes, and that's so oddly comforting. My Eldest's nose does the same thing.

And how telling is it that we've had 5 years of watching Tim Bradford before I knew this little fact about his smile because we have never seen him smile like this before?

"I'm excited." *giggle* "I'm excited!"

There is something so sweet about excitement being such a foreign emotion to Tim that he has to verbalize it. Like it's bubbling out of him at a rate he can't control because he isn't accustomed to joy.

The last time he was happy, he was working the beat and was married to Isabelle. But, I argue, this is joy, not happiness bred of happenstance. Tim Bradford is bubbling with joy.

Professionally, his greatest fear has been advancing to the point that he's trapped at a desk. Tim likes to be on the streets, in the middle of the action, making things happen. Sitting might be great for Smitty, but not for Tim.

He took that hit for the love of Lucy. Now, everything in this episode implies that this was a waystation situation, where Tim was waiting for an opening to make a move. Grey tells him to "hang in there" and Nyla seems completely aware that they're waiting for something to open up to move him over.

His main goal in taking this desk job was to keep Lucy at Mid-Wilshire. The icing on the cake was that they got to see each other every day and didn't have to deal with syncing shifts.

Lucy knew before Tim took the job that he'd be positively miserable. The staging literally has him in a corner with his back to Roll Call, his back to the action, his back to what he loves.

Now, he's moving up to Metro, and it's definitely movement forward in his career, gets him back out on the streets, and keeps his relationship with Lucy from crossing any lines that might warrant an IA investigation.

The Tim Bradford we met in the Pilot was a man whose life was on pause. He was in a holding pattern with his job, with his wife, with his sense of self. Lucy entered his life, and it's like someone pressed "Play", again.

And it wasn't even romantic, at the beginning. Lucy is just this ball of light that stepped into his world. At first, it was blinding to him and he bit back at her as much as she snapped at him. But as she refined her glow, he softened his gaze, and they somehow met in the middle when the time was right.

Tim Bradford today is a man who has faced his trauma with his father head-on. Is there still healing to do? Hell, yeah. But he's on his way, now, instead of repressing and avoiding. He's working on his relationship with his little sister.

He's trying to be a complete human being—not only running from the image of his father, but embracing all the best parts of himself and owning them as his own unique identity.

Tim Bradford is closer to himself than he's been in a long time. Peeling back the layers of anguish, trauma, heartache, and abuse... it's taken time. And Lucy's been there for so much of it. For her to be the love of his life? Only fate (and the writers) could weave the tapestry so aptly.

Tim is excited. He has something to look forward to every day in his job. He has something to look forward to every night with the woman he loves. He's no longer looking back. For the first time in his life, Tim can truly look forward with excitement.

And Lucy's giggle!? I love her giggle. I doubt she's ever seen Tim this giddy and it made her giggle. And, yes, we know that she made that happen.

And, let me tell you, it's fun when you can make something happen for the person that you love. Puts a special warmth in your chest the bubbles out, sometimes.

"Let's go to dinner tonight and celebrate."

The cadence here reminds me of Tim telling Angela to proudly show off her baby belly while wedding dress shopping. It's a type of abandon we've heard in Tim's voice only when directed at other people and never at himself.

Tim wants to celebrate this amazing achievement. He wants to celebrate something amazing that happened to him. Before, he wasn't that jazzed about his award, except for how it could help with his forward momentum. Jackson built a shelf for his (with Nolan's help), and Tim probably has his in the back of his closet.

But Tim was excited about making Sergeant (remember his pride hanging up his new uniform before he opened his locker to see the booties?) and he's proud of this. But, it's amplified because Tim Bradford's life is finally coming together.

Career. Love. Found Family (even if he doesn't yet realize it). Sibling Relationship. Finances (he and Genny made bank on that house sale in the LA Real Estate Market). Tim's life is coming up Roses.

"Do you need any help?"

I have seen a few people disappointed that Tim didn't show up to help her at the end, but he asked her if she needed him and she said she had to do it alone.

He's not going to go against her wishes because he has learned to trust her and her judgment. He knows that if she truly needs him, she will ask. Lucy's far past not asking Tim for what she needs.

He talked out Emmett with her once he understood that's what she needed. He gave her a hug after Jackson's death.

"But tomorrow it is a date. We are gonna celebrate you. Congratulations. They're really lucky to have you." "Thank you."

Tim can't help himself. He reaches for her left hand with his right. He wants to touch her. He wants to be closer to her. Because he has never been this happy.

Lucy giggles as he briefly holds her hand before she separates herself. But, I swear, that man looked like he wanted to kiss her right then and there.

"Good Job!"

She taps his arm, again, as he goes. And, wow, I can't remember seeing Tim smile this much with teeth ever. He's beaming as he watches her go, his eyes trailing after her until the last second he can no longer see her.

He nods to himself. "Yup. That's the woman I'm going to marry." Not right this moment, obviously, because we're all enjoying the ride and there's no rush. But, someday. And he knows it.

I've seen folks worried about his face falling, but I think we're simply unaccustomed to seeing Tim's face resolve to neutral after a big smile. Something about his face threw me back to 5x02, so I went back and looked. And, yup, tears in his eyes, here, too. Tears of joy.

Tim Bradford is joyful, my friends. So full of joy that it's overflowing. And after all the heartache, heartbreak, and pure hell of his life... it makes it all the sweeter.

This man would do anything for her. She would do anything for him. In one another they've found their equal—that one person who meets them where they are in intensity and devotion.

One flame does not overwhelm the other, but they help each other's glow brighter and stronger. When one is dimming, the other provides the light.

This give-and-take is the culmination of years of long nights, early mornings, complex conversations, deep dives, flare ups, cool downs, in-jokes, and trust building. It's fictional, sure, but we're getting to see true love in real-time, and I am so thankful for this ride.

"I'll admit, I've been lax about cleaning it." "How lax?" "Either Clinton or Bush was the president." "Which Bush!?"

I laughed so hard at this line. It cracked me up so bad I didn't even hear the next lines. Of course, I went back and figured it out, but I love Smitty. In small doses, he really does add a bit of levity to the show.

Also, Lucy in a hazmat suit!? The things she does for love.

Because, even though we didn't see Tim and Lucy in a post-coital cuddle-fest, or a shirtless trek through Lucy's kitchen, or even a kiss between these two this week... we're getting to see sacrificial love. Not the kind that gives too much, but the kind that gives-and-takes.

Tim and Lucy are in love (even if they haven't uttered the words, yet). They're demonstrating it through how they treat one another, and it's such a beautiful reminder that relationships are so much more than sex and attraction.

It's about growing together, supporting one another, calling each other on your crap, and finding ways through the hardships of life together.

This is a place where The Rookie really excels. They show couples who work through life together, who love each other even when there is no cozy morning-after because they overslept, or the alarm went off too early, or a dog or kid needs something.

Love is complex and layered, and I love that we're not seeing Tim and Lucy in pound town every week. Like, sure, they're going there, but to see a healthy relationship? That is what both Tim and Lucy have lacked until now.

Tim and Lucy finally have a love that matches their souls. I'm grateful for every morsel of it that we get to see on screen. But just knowing that Tim and Lucy are this unbelievably happy and they're together? That's enough for me.

I used to watch Janeway and Chakotay touch once every 10 episodes and call it a victory. Mulder and Scully danced around each other forever and I was able to cope. So, the scenes we get of Chenford feel like four course meals, and I'm thankful to eat them again, and again, and again. The meals... I mean.

So, what were Rachel's hangups on this one? Lies, Clarity, and Metro. For separate reasons, I got a little stuck on these three.

Lies

I have a big problem with lies, as some readers know. When Lucy and Tim mentioned they promised not to lie to one another and then spent the entire episode lying, it got under my skin.

Now, I'm all for Loving Spousal Surprises. I've given them (my husband's 30th Nerf Battle Surprise Birthday) and received them (4-hr scavenger hunt Engagement).

But hearing the promise at the beginning followed by a whole episode of lying triggered my trauma.

I started writing the Meta and it was too colored by my own experiences. So, I stepped back, deleted everything I wrote, and started fresh with just the bones.

Sometimes, we have to be careful our past prejudices don't ruin our present experiences. At least, that's something I've learned.

Clarity

The ambiguity as to whether the team is in-the-know, oblivious, or pretending-to-be-oblivious regarding Chenford was frustrating. It made it really hard to write because I felt like the cues from the scenes shifted throughout the episode going in multiple directions.

I am not a person who minds that we didn't get a Morning After (plenty of time to see Domestic Chenford), or that we didn't get the DOD Tattoo (it's hers, not theirs), and I wouldn't even mind if we missed seeing everyone find out/announce they know.

From the first scene with Nyla, I thought they were obviously open about their dating. But, then at Nolan's, Angela was giving "knowing" eyes and Tim kept his distance. Then it was over to the final Chenford scene where Lucy and Tim both look guarded about who might be watching.

My take? I figured everyone knew but Chenford thought they didn't. But, that's a far bigger guess than most of my guesses, so I felt uncomfortable writing it. I like to draw from what I see, not try to draw over it. I'm a hapless fan sharing uneducated interpretations, not the writer of the scenes.

So, I tried to avoid talking about it with this Meta since I don't feel like I can yet speak with certainty on the matter.

Metro

"If you ever do consider Metro, give me a call."

If it was this easy, why did Lucy have to go through a thousand hoops? Sure, it was great practice for the inevitable Wedding Place Setting game down the line, but why was this line here if it wasn't an option for Tim?

And why didn't Nolan say anything during the brainstorming session? I know we like to talk about him being clueless, at times, but he's far from idiotic. It might've been pertinent information, or an "in" to help expedite Tim's ascension.

I struggled with the directionality of the scene. Watching it the first time, I was convinced it would feed into the quest to find Tim a new position. If it wasn't there for Tim, was it to show that Nolan isn't where he's supposed to be? Are we setting up for Nolan to pop over with Tim at some point?

And, again, why didn't anyone think to give her a call about Tim, an officer who is far more seasoned and qualified for the position? No shade thrown at Nolan, but that's objectively true, and I couldn't fathom why this scene was structured the way it was if it wasn't going to help Tim. Maybe it's planting the seed for another episode down the line...

EDIT: The amazing @wordgirl40 pointed out in the comments that all the moving pieces on the board were Sergeants, and that hadn't stuck with me when watching the scene. I still think Nolan could have put in a phone call to help with things, but even that tiny clarification makes it easier to follow. Thank you!

Enough of my hangups. Thanks for bearing with me.

I want to draw out one line that I thought was really interesting, considering the "Found Family" angle of the episode.

Grey told Celina, "You have a new family of brothers and sisters. Remember that."

It's true. Big Brother/TO Tim was the one to realize what was bothering Celina and call her out. And how soft was he with her once he assessed the whole situation (no, he's not single, Carla. Ay, dios mio!)?

Big Brother/TO Nolan ran into the building to retrieve Celina. They had her back professionally and personally.

And the team had Tim and Lucy's backs. Like, this really is a beautiful little Found Family.

When Lucy and Tim do get married, if her parents don't show up, Grey can walk her down the aisle. Tamara will be her Maid of Honor and Tim's Best Woman will be Angela, of course. They'll be surrounded by people who love them without criteria or constraints.

Found Family is often stronger than bio family, I've found. And for Tim and Lucy—two people for whom "family" is a bit broken—their Found Family will always be there for them. For Tim. For Lucy. For Chenford. And for the family they'll build together.

Because love is a gift best given freely and with abandon. That is what this ensemble of characters have. At the end of the day, they will never lack in love.

As always, thanks for reading and bearing with me on the delay on this one. It was the most challenging, thus far. But I'm still loving every second of this Chenford ride.

[lostcauses-noregrets]

I came to the fandom after the manga was already concluded, but how does it feel for people like you who have been in the fandom for a long time to finish the shipping race with your ship ending up as the most plausible one for Levi. Like you must have gone through a lot during the process lol but at the end it must have felt good.

Oh wow.  Did we go through a lot?  Did we ever!  Following the manga realtime was a wild, wild ride, especially after Shiganshina. I’ve already written about the fandom’s reaction to the hell that was the Serum Bowl here. Things did calm down a bit after that, particularly once fans understood that Levi had chosen to save Erwin by allowing him to die, but it was still a turbulent ride. 

Despite Yams hinting that Erwin might appear in flashbacks, there was a real fear that Erwin and his legacy would be completely forgotten and written out of the story.  The fact that Hanji mentioned there would be a funeral for Erwin and the fallen soldiers, and then that funeral never happened and we were straight into the time skip and the Marley Arc, only heightened that fear.  I’m still salty about this tbh. 

One of the things to remember about the Marley Arc is that it ran for 16 chapters and 11 months passed before we saw the Paradis cast again, apart from two blurry panels of Levi in chapter 93. 

There was a lot of anxiety about what was happening in the interim and how Levi would appear when he returned, particularly after the alarming subproduct of Titan science panel in 93.  Personally I was holding out for Levi to return with long hair and Erwin Smith Flame of Hope Tattooed across his chest. (@seitsen-sarvi kindly obliged.)  Isayama himself played on Levi’s absence by drawing pictures on his blog of Levi promoting a hot spring in his home town because he had nothing better to do. 

Once the Paradis cast returned, an even bigger fear was that Levi would forget his vow to Erwin, and speculation was rife about Levi choosing a new liege.  Those theories were blown out of the water in chapter 112 when Levi finally reiterated his vow to Erwin and we had the first of (several) flashbacks to the crate scene. 

Once it was clear that Levi hadn’t forgotten his vow and that his prime goal was still to kill Zeke, some fans felt that his character had stagnated, that he had become petty, vindictive and driven by revenge, that he needed to “get over” his hatred for Zeke, and that he should grow up and move on.  This particular argument used to drive me up the wall and I remember writing some meta pointing out that Levi wasn’t a teenage shounen protag on a voyage of discovery, he entered the manga as a fully formed character, and a grown ass man, and had remained consistent ever since. 

As the denouement of the manga approached, and we had another heartbreaking crate flashback in chapter 136, there was some quite acrimonious debate about whether Levi had sworn his vow to Erwin, or to all the Survey Corps’ fallen soldiers.  Most of this debate focused on points of translation that mostly went right over my head.  Have a look at @tsuki-no-ura's blog where you’ll find a detailed analysis of the translations and many very patient responses to fans.  My take on this particular point was that Levi swore his vow to Erwin, but he swore it on behalf of all the fallen soldiers. 

Another endless point of discourse was whether Levi should live or die.  Some Eruri fans desperately wanted him to die so he could be reunited with Erwin, while other fans were understandably outraged by this suggestion.  Personally I was really torn on this point. Ideally I wanted Levi to survive until the very end of the manga when he would die in a blaze of glory while killing Zeke, and then be reunited with Erwin in the afterlife. I never really thought there was the slightest chance of that happening, so when Hanji got *exactly* the ending that I wished for Levi, I was astonished to say the least.  But I also knew that having done it once, Isayama was unlikely to give the same ending to Levi. 

Ultimately, I think most Eruri shippers were very happy with Levi’s ending; he never forgot Erwin, he remained true to his vow, he killed Zeke, helped to save Humanity (as much as it could be saved), and was rewarded with a final vision of his fallen comrades saluting his sacrifice.  It was beautiful. 

The fact that Levi didn’t join the diplomatic mission to Paradis to negotiate with the Yeagerists, was just the icing on the cake. I love that last image of him living his best life with Gabi, Falco, and the Onyankopon, far away from Pardis and the Yeagerists. 

So yeah, that’s a very, very long winded way of saying, yes, as an Eruri shipper, Levi’s ending did feel good to me.  HOWEVER, I have to add that I’ve never seen shipping as a race to be won or lost. As far as I’m concerned the whole joy of shipping is that you can make your blorbos do whatever the hell you want, regardless of canon.  It really saddens me when some fans seem to spend more time shitting on ships they dislike, rather than creating content for ships that they do like. But at the same time, it also frustrates me when people try to debunk the actual canon story lines.  If you don’t like canon, that’s fine, just ignore it, shipping is all about transformative works after all.

I’m going to give the last word to Isayama, who I think is a lot smarter and more knowing than we sometimes give him credit for.  I know a lot of shippers of all stripes gave a wry smile when they saw this beautiful final panel of Levi with Petra, Hanji and Erwin all front and centre.  

Though I couldn’t help noticing that Erwin is the only one still waiting for their partner in the after life…

[flame-cat]

okay kim stans, now that I have your attention I'm dropping a fic idea that I'll never ever make. free to a good home. kisses kisses kisses <3

kind of smashing together a bunch of little ideas I've shown off and also kept in my brain privately for fun-having reasons. it's kind of just my dissertation on why kim is absolutely pathetic when you take down his walls. he's a tin soldier. nothing but thin walls and hollow insides. <- OUGH THATS GOOD USING THAT AT SOME POINT

so basically vague handwavey idea that I think its some time into like, the point a lot of the meta-fandom narrative has gotten to, some time down the line after a lot of the initial Mess post-martinaise smooths out into something that looks normalish, or at least isn't an immediate crisis. harry is on a sober streak, [the Hetero-Sexual Life Partners are at the very least not constantly trying to kill each other (kim has had a Talk with Jean, who is mostly just privately seething and malding now and feeling incredibly sorry for himself). ] <OR> [there was an Incident where Jean got really REALLY sorry for himself and made a whole fucking scene and basically tried to kill himself, heavily based on a fic i read (called Trigger Warning) it kinda woobifies jean a bit but other than that its soooo fucking good but tl;dr the jobwives have made up and ] kim and jean are kind of both Harry's partner in ways? jean is still a satellite officer but a lot of times he gets paired up with Harry and kim and they're kind of the nightmare blunt rotation right now.

soooo again handwaves somehow one of the old cases Kim's partner left behind that was left cold picks up a lead again out of the blue and Kim is. well. he's normally a workaholic but this is intense even for him. like Jesus. nobody at the 41st has seen him like this. he doesn't sleep for days on end. (maybe he picks up speed? from jean? he considers doing it in-game to improve his Performance so I don't think thats above him).

anyway rock meet hard place Harry finally gets the poor sod to take a god damn break and go home, he and jean can sort out his disaster area of a desk and cover for him. Kim obliges, goes home and- OH SHIT WHO IS THAT! uhhh its all very vague in my head here but tl;dr Kim gets jumped maybe? nd this was all some sort of like. Ploy? to uhh . idk I think maybe the moralintern is involved in ways. but uh eyes is alive and was an espionage and faked his death and is now like. idrk yet if He stabbed Kim or what, or why its all even. happening in the first place. and tbh its not important to me cause I'm never gonna write it, I don't plan to its just something to play with at night to fall asleep.

important bit is now Kim is Leaking Everywhere and well. doesn't exactly have time to call gotlieb. so. he stitches himself up (NOT THAT WELL) and trudges back to the precinct to report to pryce. understandably people are freaked out by the Blood and stuff. harry comes with Kim to the briefing. shit gets Revealed. Kim dissociate. harry is like uhhhh okay well his home isn't safe anymore. jean can he crash on your couch can you drive us there while I sit in the back with him. and jean is like. fuck. okay. and yeah Kim kinda comes back into it on the ride there, has a Teensy Weensy (HUGEBADMASSIVE) panic attack, eventually calms down enough to clamber out of the car and. jeans apartment is 4 floors up and there's no elevator. hell on earth. Kim refuses to be helped up but 2 floors up he trips and let's jean help him, then they get to the top and Kim is like. Jean. and jean is like what- ohgodyoureunconsciousnowokayharryopenthedoor. and uhhh the rest is pure self indulgent "the boys nurse him back to health mwah" but way messier obvs. like fully "ok I have to take out the stitches you did and restitch you, throw back this glass of whiskey and try not to vomit on me. oh well he passed out. at least he's not feeling it?" and yeah.

anyway there's a Conversation between jean and harry at one point because the through line here is that harry is trying to keep his Boys safe but he doesn't know how they can keep doing This *gestures to the cop thing* and so jean is like okay well are we gonna work the case without him orrrrr and harry is like I am NOT moving a MUSCLE until Kim is 100% okay. he stayed with me for 2 days after I got shot. and jean is like okay bye- and harry is like no listen. I don't. we are killing ourselves here. and jean is like yeah? point? and harry is like maybe we. shouldn't. and they have a whole argument about it but that wakes up Kim who eats shit trying to get up and they both like rush in to make sure he didn't fuck up the new stitches or bust his head open right, and Kim is like. okay conflict resolution time. refuses to back down until everything is explained in detail to him even if he's still loopy. anddddd tl;dr Kim agrees with harry and idk what happens next but there u go

[chaoticgeminate]

Kinktober 2022 - Day One

Pairing: Javi Gutierrez x f!Reader

Rating: Explicit (If that was not entirely clear)

Series Summary: You’re a fanfiction writer turned novelist, which was great since it was the path you wanted your writing to take you down in life. What you never thought would happen was meeting the Javier Gutierrez, who you actively write smutty fanfiction about from his film with Nic Cage, and you especially didn’t expect him to have a crush on you.

Fast forward several months of dating, with a good chunk of your relationship being distance due to his constant traveling and having to go home to Mallorca, when he surprises you with a prompt list and a vacation planned around exploring it.

You haven’t even worked up the nerve to tell him about what you write and post to Tumblr about him as a character yet.

Notes: Going to be using prompts from @ the-purity-pen for my meta as hell indulgence! There are feelings in this (I have no idea how they got there) and I may end up removing some possible chapters here and there depending on how I’m feeling, I apologize in advance if that happens because my brain is super mean sometimes.

Possible Warnings: This chapter is fairly tame aside from fingering (f receiving) and dirty talk

Dirty Talk (2k)

“Miss, we’ve arrived.”

Paolo’s voice was soft as the car rolled to a stop outside the white stone villa, you had gotten an apologetic phone call from Javi about his own travel being delayed due to some issues with investors, so you were going to be alone in the Villa for the first few hours of your vacation. While it was disappointing you honestly were thankful to even have a month of time away from everything, it also meant you could set up a surprise or two before he got there and explore on your own. He’d given you the go ahead, of course, but it felt delightfully silly to snoop around without anyone to stop you.

“Thank you, Paolo. I hope you and your family have a lovely vacation of your own.” The driver smiled as he pulled your luggage from the trunk of the rented SUV, shaking his head when you went to grab one of the cases, and you sighed good naturedly as the man began wheeling the cases to the main door. It was very unassuming from the front, right off the road with a low wall and metal gates, but you knew that there was more than likely a fairly advanced security set up in place.

Cézar greeted you at the porte-cochère and took your bags from Paolo, the housekeeper lived nearby with his husband Leonel, the couple were in charge of keeping the vacation home tidy and handle any minor -or major- repairs that popped up. You only knew of them but Javi had shown you pictures so that you had a face to the names, the two refusing to actually live in the home despite Javi’s continued offer to do so.

Apparently, the rest of his family wasn’t great at treating any of their employees well and Javi was still trying to get people to understand he was different than they were.

“Welcome, Miss, would you like me to give you a brief tour?” The offer made you smile fondly and nod, trying to grab one of your cases but not able to as the man beat you to it, and the wheels were smooth on the tile floor of the entryway. The inside was very royal, like a small palace, with a massive great hall that you couldn’t help but marvel over. Cézar’s amused expression made you blush and hurry to follow him, taking in the elegant décor as he told you about how the home had been in Javi’s family since it was built.

He had handed off your luggage to Leonel, his cheerful husband greeting you warmly, and they mentioned everything would be waiting in the west suite for you.

You could see touches of decoration that you knew Javi hadn’t chosen, he certainly loved his colors and patterns but you suspected that an interior designer had been hired for this particular project and had been directed by someone with a love of opulence for the sake of show.

“That’s- that screams Javi.” The hall with the elevator was lined with divots where there may have once been something like expensive statues, opulence for the sake of it style art, but instead now there were Nic Cage statues or display cases of memorabilia in their place. Beside you there was a soft chuckle as Cézar nodded to confirm what you’d already suspected; you knew your boyfriend and Nic were actually good friends now too but he was still a superfan of the actor.

“Indeed, it was one of the first changes he made.”

“His brand of opulence is certainly refreshing. I half expected suits of armor, since this place looks like a palace.”

“That is precisely what Señor Gutierrez replaced, Miss. The armor was in pristine condition so he had it donated to several museums across the world for display.”

Something about Javi’s outlook on things, his endless positivity despite how he’d grown up and the world he’d lived before Nic basically walked into his life… it was refreshing. He was not without his demons of course but Javi had proven to be able to not let them stop him from living as freely and happily as he could. He was the ultimate fanboy and you respected the hell out of him for it, you weren’t without your autographed pictures and posters and fan art of your favorite shows and movies either.

Your tour carried on through the theater, the spa and sauna, the back yard with a small stretch of private beach, the outdoor jacuzzi that was designed to look almost like a hot spring in a cave, and even the lounge with a bar and a wine cellar; the home office was the security room, Leonel’s advisory that you shouldn’t mess with it made you nod since you had no reason to, and the tour ended in the west master suite with the bed in the center of the room. At the foot of the bed was a cabinet that you knew had a hidden TV, it wouldn’t be Javi otherwise, and the room had wide windows and clear glass doors.

There was nothing but ocean in your sights being the second floor of three but the openness of it all made your heart thump in your chest.

You thanked both Cézar and Leonel, who handed you a small keyfob that would allow you to enter and leave the home without Javi or one of them, and after a few minutes you took in the fact that you were all alone in this massive place. There were so many things you could do but right now as the flight, the drive to the house, and the tour began to finally sink in the idea of a nap was perfect so you plugged your phone in and with a sigh of delight you stripped down to your underwear and slipped under the covers.

In a fit of pure fit of indulgence, you moved into the center of the king size bed and spread out as much as you could, the mattress was so soft and the sheets were definitely some stupidly high thread-count so you basked with no shame. Maybe if Javi didn’t already go out of his way to make sure you had smaller luxuries at home -a brand new Keurig for your office when you were writing even though you had one in your kitchen, very luxurious towels and a matching bath robe, the softest house slippers among these small but meaningful gifs- maybe there would have been a modicum of restraint.

But he wasn’t here to watch you giggle like a child as you laid there alone in that room, knowing that the second he showed up you could shower him in affection and appreciation for wanting to take care of you like this. It was like something out of a sugar daddy fanfic, honestly, complete with a meet cute; you hurried to send him a text to let him know you were there safe and that you were planning to take a nap, knowing he likely wouldn’t see it for at least a few hours since he was either still in meetings or on a plane.

Javi had no idea just how ready you were to spoil him in return for this.

It was big, warm, hands pulling you against an equally warm body that pulled you out of sleep as Javi slipped into the bed; his breath tickled against your ear and neck as he managed to wiggle one of his arms under your head and you reached up to hold his hand and tuck it close to your body as you snuggled against him.

“My sleepy girl, do you know how beautiful you look here in my bed?” His voice was husky and soft as he began to leave the lightest of kisses against your skin, the arm curled over your hip positioned so he was tracing random swirls along your thighs with featherlight fingertips. You wiggled back more as consciousness began to return to you fully, the feeling of Javi’s bare skin against yours sparked heat through your entire body.

A low, rumbling, breath escaped him as you brushed the bulge of his cock in his briefs; he wasn’t fully hard yet but the touches against your thighs became firmer with the press of you against him.

“I think I can feel the answer.”

You didn’t forget the reason for your vacation, remembering the adorkable little chart he had printed up and given to you with all the things you’d talked about during the process of planning this month out. But Javi clearly hadn’t forgotten the assignment either, pulling one of your thighs up and sliding his own between your legs, and you couldn’t help but whimper when he laid his hand just below your belly button and pressed your hips back at an angle so you were grinding against his leg.

“My beautiful, mouthy, girl. You think you can feel the answer? The way I ache to have you any way you will allow me to, how the sight of you in this bed makes me want to keep you here so I can bury myself in your wet pussy whenever I want?” The scrape of his facial hair against your skin made you shiver and the grind of your core against his bare thigh had your grip on his hand tightening.

He was helping you rock your hips back and forth, the fabric of your panties damp with each motion, and you nearly choked on your own spit when he slid that hand on your lower belly down into the cotton before he was easing up with his thigh in order to sink his fingers into you. He was rocking his hips against your body, the hardness of his cock pressing into you somewhere between your hip and the curve of your ass, and your free hand reached back to grip his hair and you thrust your chest out.

“Fuck- fuck Javi-!” Your breath was harsh at his pace, the burning stretch of two fingers without easing into it had ignited all your nerve endings. Your back bowed more, a loud moan choked back as his hips stuttered a little, and Javi crooned softly in your ear. He liked it when you pulled his hair, you knew that so maybe it was playing dirty by grabbing him since he clearly wanted to work you up, but you wanted to make him fall apart too.

His voice was wrecked when he moaned your name as you tugged his hair, the soft curls were your favorite thing to play with, and he squeezed your hand back when you loosened your grip just slightly.

“That’s it, listen to you. This month I plan to touch you, to lick that pussy of yours, to fuck you in every room of this house. I will hear you begging for more, or begging me to stop, like an echo that will never go away; I want you to be loud for me, Solecita.”

Oh, you were, you were so loud as you keened when his thumb slipped up to circle your clit, the hoarse cry of his name echoed in the room and you felt him throb against your back before his hips rocked up once -twice- and the sticky warmth seeped out and was soaked into his briefs. He hadn’t stopped, still moving slow to work you down from your high, and when he finally did stop Javi peppered the softest of kisses to your back and shoulders.

“Shower?” Your question earned a soft hum and Javi snuggled closer to you.

“In a moment.” Nodding and closing your eyes, the mid-afternoon sun still very present, it was a wonder you didn’t fall asleep again. But Javi untangled himself from you, helping get you out of the bed and into the en suite shower, and you shared languid kisses between washing each other off and talking about lunch as well as the idea of spending some time on the private beach.

All Fics Taglist: @hardc0rehaylz @wordsnwhiskey @pagannightwitch @radiowallet @musings-of-a-rose @amneris21 @trickstersp8 @practicalghost @rominaszh @alwaysdjarin @alexxavicry

Just Pedro Taglist: @maievdenoir @beecastle @littlemisspascal @writeforfandoms @AynsleyWalker @lovesbiggerthanpride @mswarriorbabe80

Alt Taglist: @imtryingmybeskar @fan-of-encouragement @grogusmum @sizzlingcloudmentality @deadhumourist @prostitute-robot-from-the-future

Kinktober Only: @nicolethered @katareyoudrilling

[brandstifter-sys]

These Dreams

Chapter 8: Confrontations              (Ao3) (must be signed in)

For @dukexietyweek 2023 Day 8 - Freeform

Word Count: 1110

Rating: T

Characters: Remus, Virgil

Warnings: So Much Meta, sexual themes, Remus grossness, gore mention

Virgil is on a mission to figure out why Remus, of all sides, decided to write a multi-chapter soulmate fanfic of the two of them and what it means for them.

---

This had to be some kind of hell. Virgil was sure of it. The long, ominous hallway seemed to stretch on forever and he could feel the walls themselves watching him. But that's what he expected when he was in this part of the mindscape. 

It wasn't like he wanted to be on the dark side of the mind, but he had to find Remus and return a rather interesting book of fanfiction. 

It was a long winded soulmate au titled "These Dreams" like that song by Heart, and the two people involved piqued Virgil's interest. 

Despite moving in with the "light sides" as Janus used to mockingly call them, Virgil never really moved on from his days in the dark. He never moved on from his feelings no matter how much he tried to run. 

He had feelings for Remus. He was the one person who could handle his bitterness and his mean quips. And he did it with a smile. He was supportive and honest, always ready to make Virgil laugh. He was enchantingly morbid and confident, and handsome in a feral way. It was hard to forget about Remus. 

Virgil took a deep breath and knocked on Remus' door. He could do this. He could confront Remus and he could handle it when Remus brushed it off as an impulse. 

The heavy black door creaked open, slowly enough to set off Virgil's fight-or-flight response. He was frozen in place as Remus poked his severed head out of his room. His eyes and smile were too wide and he looked especially deranged. Until he realized who decided to visit. 

"Virgil!" he cheered and beamed, "What brings you to my den of despair?" 

"This," Virgil said and held up the book. Remus got one look at the black and green cover and immediately slammed the door shut. 

Virgil was ready to drop it and sink out. He was not ready for that reaction. 

But then Remus opened the door again, with his head attached to his neck. 

"I was looking everywhere for that! I started eating my toenails when I couldn't find it!" he beamed and grabbed the book, "You didn't happen to read it, did you? It's so gross and disgusting and bloody it'll give you nightmares!" 

Virgil stared at him and scowled. 

"I read it. I thought you said that wasn't your type of fanfic," he said flatly and crossed his arms. Remus winced but immediately bounced back with a grin. 

"It usually isn't! But sometimes the mood hits me with a yaoi paddle and I just have to!" 

"And the paddle told you to go with that ship?" Virgil asked and bit his thumb. 

"Nope. That was my choice." 

"Why?" 

"Well it's a rare pair and all—" Remus hesitated, "And I like it." 

Virgil waited and chewed his nail. Remus didn't get nervous but Virgil could feel his anxiety rising. Whatever had Remus worried, it had to be big. 

"Uh, mayyyybe you should come in and sit down," Remus winced and rubbed his neck. He was terrified. 

"I'm not mad that you wrote it," Virgil said and stepped forward. Remus didn't relax when he let Virgil in. 

His room was startlingly neat and organized. He kept all his weapons on one wall, his desk against the opposite wall, and his bed against the back wall. There wasn't a single paper out of place and all of his books were organized on a shelf over his desk. 

Virgil sat down on the desk chair and watched Remus close the door and pace. 

"You're not mad, but are you disgusted, repulsed?" Remus asked as he paced, walking heel to toe and turning after ten steps. 

"No. But I wanted to know," Virgil said and rolled his neck, "was it just for shits and giggles or is there more to it?" 

"Shits and giggles? I write smut and gore for shits and giggles," Remus said and stopped pacing. He sighed and let his shoulders sag. He couldn't brush this off with humor and impulse like his thoughts. 

"I don't want you to hate me for this, I just got you back," he wilted more, "I have feelings for you, not just platonic or sexual feelings. And with the way Pissy goes on about it, I don't really want to feel heartbroken. Not with the way my thinker thinks." 

Virgil stood up and sighed. Remus braced himself for the worst. Virgil was going to sink out and never talk to him again. Or he'd beat the dukey out of him. 

Remus was stunned when he felt two strong arms around his waist. Virgil was hugging him? 

"I—I like you too. A lot," Virgil mumbled by his ear, as if he were afraid that Remus wouldn't hear him. 

"Really?" 

"Yeah. And thanks for not making me a softboi in your fic." 

Remus giggled and hugged him back. 

"I don't have feelings for a softboi, I have feelings for a scary, sassy, sweetheart with a mean streak and the sexiest glare! And I want to make him my boyfriend." 

"Then do it," Virgil huffed. 

"Is there a ritual or something or do I just ask? I don't know how to do this stuff outside of fiction!" Remus laughed shyly. 

"Remus," Virgil sighed and tried to pull away. Remus whined pitifully and let him go, only for Virgil to grab his hand. 

"Will you be my boyfriend?" he asked and tried to hold Remus' gaze. Remus giggled and beamed at him. 

"Of course!" Remus said and jolted when Virgil cupped his cheek. 

"This is usually the part where we're supposed to kiss, but we don't have to if you don't want to," Virgil said softly. 

"What if you don't want to?" 

"I wouldn't've said anything if I didn't."

Remus turned his head and kissed Virgil's palm before nuzzling into the touch and staring at him innocently. 

"I want to. More than I want you to pin me down, whip me, and shove your—" Remus started to say, just to get cut off by a soft kiss. 

"Don't ruin the moment yet," Virgil muttered. 

"I'm gonna make the moment escalate!" Remus giggled and kissed him again. Virgil pulled him closer and hoisted him up by the thighs. Remus squeaked and pulled back with a wry grin.

“Not if I make it escalate first,” Virgil jeered and stuck out his tongue. Remus giggled and licked his tongue. 

“Bring it on, Scare Bear!” Remus taunted. He was happy to stay like this, or to do more, because in the end it didn’t matter. What mattered was that he had a scary boyfriend who liked him back!

[distort-opia]

I think it’s interesting that jokers been dunked into Lazarus juice many times yet his skin and hair discoloration has never been cured by it? Yet his madness/mind was cured by it (albeit temporarily) I’m not sure what that means but I feel like something is there. Also interesting that it seems his hair & skin discoloration can only be cured via regularly taking certain pills (like he did while he was Eric border to disguise himself) However, pills didn’t do anything for his mental state- just physical. Does joker have some sort of separation between his body and mind? Idk. Any thoughts?

Has Joker been revived through the Lazarus Pit more than once? I only know of the one time:

-- Batman: Legends of the Dark Knight #145

Bruce brought him back to life in order to find out about Ra's al Ghul's plans and save the world. But the Pit supposedly turns someone temporarily insane after they come back; in Joker's case, however, it turned him temporarily sane. It of course didn't last long and he reverted back to his usual self eventually. But as you already mentioned, none of his physical features are affected in this instance-- only his mind.

Though the example you give with Eric Border isn't quite accurate. The pills Joker took for the disguise were muscle-relaxers, meant to help him stop smiling, with added afamelanotide (a substance that stimulates the production of melanin and turns skin color darker). The rest was just hair dye and make-up. None of it was supposed to affect his mental state:

-- Batman: Endgame

However, Joker did take a dip in the chemical called dionesium. If that's what you were referring to when you said he had multiple experiences with Pits, that's true... although, dionesium is not the same substance as the one inside a Lazarus Pit. It's similar, but stronger:

-- Batman: Endgame

So while the Lazarus Pits contain dionesium, they're filled with a corrupted version of it. After the events of DotF, Joker discovered a pool of dionesium and healed his injuries in it, but they weren't life threatening. He didn't get revived, he only got healed, with the same thing happening moving forward through Endgame. However, at the end of Endgame, both Bruce and Joker actually died. The dionesium didn't just heal them, it actively brought them back to life. So, it does make sense to me that Joker's entire body got "rewritten" alongside his mind, something the Lazarus Pit was not capable of doing before since it's not as strong or potent as dionesium.

As to the separation between Joker's mind and body... [sigh] it's complicated. Mostly because Joker's mental state has been written so inconsistently, and because for a long time insanity was treated as Joker's superpower. As if lack of rationality or being random was his Thing that he used against other heroes, and that could be turned on and off like a switch-- something that essentially happened a bunch of times in different stories. Overall, some writers depict Joker as if he's a metahuman but his ability is Being Crazy, and some writers actually put in the effort of making him into a nuanced individual with a complicated mental state. I've written more about Joker's state of mind in other metas if you're curious: discussion of Joker's "super-sanity", discussion of his fourth-wall breaking habit, and general discussion of Joker's origin and identity.

Though hell... at the end of the day, people writing Joker can barely agree if the color of his lips is a result of lipstick or a result of the acid bath, if his grin is compulsive or if he can control his own smile, if his physiology can be affected by drugs or not. There's a lot of canon, but it also contradicts itself again and again. So I think for aspects related to Joker's physiology and mind (and tbh comics in general), it's up to the reader to decide what depiction they prefer and what makes sense to them.

[shiroi---kumo]

for the 2023 meme:

just this time last year i was inquiring about 1 marshmallow and now look. look at how much kain has grown as a muse and look at the fact chicken and sielu (and all his friends/family) exist. i am so honored and lucky to have gotten the chance to write and create alongside you.

i always look forward to around 6am my time because i know there's gonna be that bird discord sticker or kumo emoji or something like that before i go clock in. if i'm extra lucky, there's a ramble or a song recommendation.

you wished me a good first day at work when i got my job. i don't know if i could ever explain how much that meant to me, to know people think about me when i'm not actively speaking to them. no one ever really does stuff like that for me anymore, but you did. you still do.

you've helped me through the nightmare that is being a working adult in the cursed year of 2023 and i can only hope i've helped you even a fraction as much... or at the very least been decent company.

sending love from me and chance, as well as good vibes for tomorrow and next year.

your friend (who loves you on purpose SO much),

theo 💚

2023 is almost over, what do you need to tell me? || Accepting

|| OOC || Hey you, I love you. You're right, just this time last year you told me you would like to know everything about cloud boy and I ran over to your DMs to tell you. Kain was just a fledging muse and you had never heard of FFU before in your life. Now look at us. You have all these amazing muses and I adore them all to pieces.

You have been more than decent company to me, quickly becoming one of my closest friends and someone I think about often. Someone I love screaming about HC and Meta with and just generally rambling about our muses and Misterica and FFU in general and FMA and other things we nerd about.

Theo you put my art on your wall and when you asked for my permission to do so I sat and my desk and cried that someone loved my work that much. You checked on me every day during the hell that was that stupid concussion and you listened to me rant about having to deal with all the stupid people and doctors and all the headache that came with it.

I have watched your writing takes wing and grow, I am watching you re-learn how to draw, I get to see you grow and evolve and better yourself and just fucking win at life and I am so excited and honored to be along for that ride with you. I love seeing you win and even when we don't we're still here and we still listen and exist and just generally be around each other even if we're body doubling from the other side of the country. (north and south, whatever same thing)

I give you all the good luck and good vibes for today and tomorrow and the coming year and beyond. I give you

To bless you and this post with Sun Puff's good luck. I love leaving that little message in the morning because it means I was thinking of you (and everyone else in chat) and it lets you know I got to work safe if you see it when you wake up in the morning since I get there so fucking early every day. But I'm here and I see you and all the hard ass fucking work you've done this year and I love you.

Thank you for being in this crazy ride with me Theo. I look forward to whatever next crazy place we decide to go from here.

[whimsicallyenchantedrose]

Hi! I am a HUGE Captain Swan fan! What are the main reasons why you love Captain Swan/Hook?

Hi there! You've asked a question I could probably write an entire dissertation about, but it can all be summed up in one single quote:

* added by @delenasalvatore Source: tumblr, via outlinedsilver

They are very much alike in the traumas they experienced when they were younger and the way it ultimately affected them. Granted, they chose very different paths, and they lived in very different times and places, but fundamentally they are the same and can relate to each other.

Because of this, they can and do accept each other for who they are--faults and all. Of course, love does not want the other to be mired in their past unhealthy (or unethical) ways of dealing with the issues in their lives, and Emma and Killian call each other out when needed.

Another thing I love about Captain Swan is the utter and complete devotion they have to each other. We see this most obviously in Killian in the early seasons. I mean, the guy spent two centuries trying to avenge the death of his first love. We know that when he loves, he LOVES. He's all in. Even before he'd decided to turn his life around, before he'd recognized or acknowledged how far gone he was for Emma, he chose to go to Neverland for her. And who could forget this moment:

*Made by @hook-and-hope

Killian was willing to give up his ship--his home, his last connection to both Milah and Liam--in order to save Emma, when he knew she wouldn't even remember him and couldn't be sure she returned his affections even if she did.

In those early seasons, of course, Emma's walls were up. She'd been hurt so much before (stupid Neal!) that it was hard for her to trust that his love for her was genuine--and even more, that it would last. This was as much a reflection on her view of herself and how she saw herself as unworthy of lasting love as it was on Killian.

Fortunately, Killian understands her walls and is more than willing to slowly, patiently pull them down.

But Killian is not the only one who is devoted to the other. Even during the Neverland arc when Emma was so very closed off, it was clear that she saw Killian as someone she could turn to, someone whose opinion and whose judgement she valued and sought out. Don't forget how it was that she found the magic to light the candle in Dark Hollow: It was her fear for Killian and what the shadow was doing to him.

And we haven't even got to the most significant moments yet. What other fandom can say one member of their OTP overcame the greatest darkness in all the realms and died for the other...

...and then the one who was died for literally went to hell to save him?

I mean, come on! That is next level epic!

In the end, Captain Swan was not some destined fairy tale couple, although they did get a pretty fairy tale wedding--complete with singing and dancing!

--They were a real couple who struggled and had their off moments (writers, I'm looking at you for the absolutely unnecessary and stupid drama for drama's sake storylines of season 6), but as Killian told David:

*Made by @shipsxahoy.

In the end, doesn't that really say it all?

(And on a more superficial level, it certainly didn't hurt that Jen's and Colin's chemistry was absolutely off the charts!)

*Note: The gifs used in this meta are not my own.  Most of them were found through a simple Google search, and I was able to track down the origins of most of them.  If your gif was used and I didn’t give you attribution, please let me know so I can change that.

[hello-nichya-here]

What's you so far favorite movie/series

For series, to the shock of no one, it is Avatar The Last Airbender. Do I have some issues, some serious and some that are basically nitpiks, with some of the writing choices? Yes. But my God, do I love this show.

The animation, the acting, the soundtrack, the story, the characters, the themes, the jokes, the fights scenes, the emotional moments, the twists that I legitimately didn't see coming but still made perfect logical sense, the ridiculously small details that plenty of people don't pick up on and that are sometimes fully intentional on the writers' part and sometimes just sheer dumb luck... I love it all.

I adore this series. I could watch it a million times and never be bored, always laughing at the jokes I already heard and getting emotional over moments that somehow still seem as raw as the first time I saw them happening.

As for my favorite movie, it is got to be the classic, silly little romantic comedy of Lisbela E O Prisioneiro. This thing is my childhood, not just because I watched it all the time, but also because it came out when I was so young, I don't even remember the first time I watched it. It was just something that, in my mind, was alwasy there, was always a part of my life.

It is incredibly comforting whenever I come back to it, has some of my favorite actors in it (plenty of which I was introduced to by this very movie), and @signlessacolyte can confirm to you guys that I can easily quote the entire thing, in the exact tone of voice the actors say their lines.

It's just fucking hilarious and sweet, but with these little dark moments that give it flavor, plus it just fucking shattered the fourth wall and got meta as fuck about movies. It is totally cliche, knows it, and proudly celebrates it. To use one of the many, many, MANY lines that I could quote in my sleep "The fun isn't knowing what happens, but how it happens, and when it happens." If that isn't the best approach to telling a simple story and making it special, I don't know what the hell is.

And, of course, it has the best trait of any good brazilian media: pure fucking chaos. The leading lady's father added the name of a medicine for syphilis to her legal name, the leading man gropes a woman while he's dressed like Jesus and she's Mary Magdalene, and there's a whole scene describing the types of cucks, which includes the amazing line "There are more kinds of cucks than catholic saints."

(And because I'm me, the scene of Frederico holding a knife to his wife's throat, the two of them almost kissing as he is literally threatening to kill her, awakened many kinks in me)

[candywife333]

Sneak Peek

Hey guys! Here is a quick look at a work I will be releasing very soon. Still haven't decided if its a trilogy or a whole Drabble series, but will let you guys know soon. It’s a meta, sort of fourth wall breaking type of fic. Hope you guys enjoy it when it comes out. 

Why can’t these freaking sex bots on Tumblr leave me alone, I swear like can’t a girl just catch a damn break? No, peaches24345, I don’t want to see your damn booty cheeks, please keep them to yourself. Writing fanfics was a wonderful way for me to escape the chaos of daily life.

 I just had to finish my marketing degree because I had applied an internship spot at HYBE that I had been salivating over for so long. As I clicked on one of my drafts to update one of the upcoming fics, I was startled by a phone call form an unknown number. I clicked speak, “Hello, who is this”? The voice at the other end of the phone replied, “Hello Y/N, this is the foreign employment coordinator at HYBE. You have been selected to intern with us for 6 months in our Marketing department. Congratulations!”. I responded in an even tone, “Thank you so much. I can’t wait to come over. Once again thank you for the opportunity.”

As I was about to end the call, she said, “Y/N, just so you know one of the members of BTS played an active part in vouching for your selection.” I felt trepidation rise in me. THE HELL WAS GOING ON OVER HERE? A MEMBER OF BTS? SCOUTING FOR ME? “Oh, um who could it be? I don’t know anyone personally in your company”, I replied in a trembling voice. She replied smoothly, “Well, you will find out who he is when you get here. He is a pretty big fan of your writing”.

All of the blood rushed out of my face, as I got ready to bawl. The only fics I ever wrote were smut. And one of them had gotten to know about it. The last thing I wanted to do was meet the person the fic was about.

I thoroughly fucked myself over. I slapped myself across the face. What the hell have I gotten myself into?!!!!?!

[rollforjackass]

i'm gonna go ahead and answer all the questions from this fic writer ask game here, because. why not! i'm bored and i'm not used to talking about my own writing. gotta cut the cord on that shame game sometime.

(and if y'all wanna answer some yourself, the post is linked above! absolute guarantee i will send some if you do bc i'm nosy like that)

💘 - Is there any posted fic you want to rework/re-edit/re-write?

oh god yes, a lot of them. i've got chronic perfectionism.

if i were to be kind to myself and narrow it down to one, my poor little Person of Interest fic deadman's switch was my first venture into the fandom i would come to adore, and it could definitely do with some tuning up. with a few rare exceptions, i've never liked post-episode fics that just recap the events of the episode with a few extra sentences of meta thrown in the mix, and unfortunately, i think that's exactly what i did with this fic. i don't think it deserves a complete do-over, but a re-work with a new direction and a concrete destination would do it good.

💫 - what is your favorite kind of comment/feedback?

any and every, but the ones where people share their favorite quotes and tell me what it made them think of and expound on their personal theories and thoughts, AGH!!!! i adore those!!!! go off about all the things you love about the characters and your scenarios for missing scenes, i promise you i am enjoying it immensely!!!!!

🌈 - is there a fic that you worked *really fucking hard on* that no one would ever know? maybe a scene/theme you struggled with?

i mean, by default i feel like i'm a bit of a tryhard with my writing and i feel like that's fairly obvious a lot of the time (for better or for worse 😬). but i guess the one that's outwardly the most relaxed bit of writing and was actually really difficult was the burning question, because. how the hell am i supposed to translate a groupchat format into a fic and keep all the nuances of technology, i.e. nickname changes & people sending walls of text, that are meant to be funny??????

it took me Forever to settle on formatting that i felt maintained the spirit of the jokes, and there's so many folks that think groupchat fics are cringe that i don't think anyone would consider how much effort i had to put into it for a now quite outdated joke lmao. i love groupchat fics myself, though, so i am content with the cringe.

🦋 - what are you most insecure about when you post a fic?

always always ALWAYS characterization. i have the fandom attention span of a mayfly and the combination pizza hut/taco bell that is ADHD/autism to boot, so i pick up strong attachments to characters/media quickly and write my feelings almost as fast as i feel them. which means lots of one-offs that are barely two seasons into a series/one movie into a trilogy. i'm always worried that i'm missing the mark by a mile because i was too impatient to reach a Big Backstory Reveal, or that i've latched onto a single trait not indicative of the whole.

🌻 - what makes you want to give up on writing? what makes you keep going?

what makes me want to give up: the Mortifying Ordeal of Being Known. i used to be super confident in putting myself out there, but i haven't always had support for my special interests and i've rarely had anyone willing to read my writing when asked. makes it hard to enjoy what i'm doing when i've got that annoying little earworm asking me what people would think if they ever eventually read it, even when it's a self-indulgent little thing that i don't plan on posting.

what makes me keep going: i love writing, plain and simple. i love to borrow people's habits, their thoughts, their dreams and hopes and fears and nightmares; i love to see the world from new perspectives. and the idea that what i have to say might connect with people, that people might recognize parts of the characters and stories that they care for in my writing, is pretty damn intoxicating, too.

🌿 - how does creating make you feel?

there's a book series i loved as a kid called The Secrets of Droon, which is about three kids who discover a staircase to another world in their basement, and writing has always felt like that to me. i open the door, and i am somewhere else. these other worlds don't need me to be there for events to unfold, but i can still try to change the things that i don't like if i wanted to. and nobody needs to know that i've been to these worlds, but if i mentioned 'hey i've been to another world', someone somewhere might be interested in what i saw.

idk if that makes sense shdjk but i just!! i like writing. i like seeing what would happen if i changed something. and it feels amazing when something i care about deeply connects with people i don't even know, and who don't know me. it's scary to venture into other worlds, but there's always the chance of finding yourself - and finding new friends - down that magic staircase!!

🍉 - in what ways has writing helped you process trauma and/or navigate through your own life?

whoof, i mean. how hasn't it.

i had a very difficult upbringing that left me absurdly angry with the world and only able to conceive of living as fighting for survival. i wrote stories where i could escape and be free, and i wrote stories where the fight was all there was so i could feel less alone. hell, my first favorite character on tumblr was gabriel from supernatural, running away from his family and still loving them even when it hurt, and writing stories where he was happy or angry or sad felt like validating those feelings in myself. i could fix his problems, even if mine weren't that easy.

these days i struggle with a lot that's out of my control, like PTSD with a very hard-to-avoid trigger. but writing is something that i can curate, that i can tailor to a situation. it's completely in my hands. so when i'm going through something, i can always pick up a pen and scribble out the strong feelings in a way that makes sense to me, if not to anyone else, and then i can close that book or tear the page out or burn it, whatever i want to do with it. i can shuffle through the life of a fictional character and find the times when they felt the way i did, and wonder how they got through it, and sometimes in doing so, i find ways that i can, too.

it certainly helps that i've found myself a good number of favorite characters who go through a lot but still remain hopeful. ones who make a place for themselves in the world that is safe and good, who manage to find the best in people even when being shown their worse.

🎀 - give yourself a compliment about your own writing

i like that i'm willing to try my hand at pretty much anything and give it every ounce of passion i've got, no matter how short a time i may have been in a fandom or how different a character might be from the ones i'm used to writing. tech geek with conflicting superiority/inferiority complexes? sure thing. prim and proper angel who's secretly a bitch? give it a whirl. chain-smoking self-sabotaging magician who's a time capsule of the 80s? devoted dad with apeshit anxiety? codependent gay cannibals? fuck it, we ball.

🎈 - describe your style as a writer; is it fixed? does it change?

mmmm depends on how you define style. i want to say that it's generally all the same, but i do think i change tone A Lot, based on who i'm writing about. partially because i bounce between a lot of british and american shows and i tend to try to adopt the vernacular of the culture the media is based in to make the story more immersive, but also based on the tone and overall themes of the piece, i.e. who's hurt and who's comforting and what their relationship looks like, if one's more comedic or they both are or neither of them are.

i'm a bit of a metaphor & simile hound, for sure, that part's pretty fixed. i tend to like comparing simple things to grandiose ones, if only because i write 90% hurt/comfort and the things i always remember most about times when i've been hurting are the gestures that the comforter doesn't even remember making later on. i think i have consistent struggles in certain areas and consistent strengths in others. but i almost never want the version of me who wrote for, say, Good Omens, writing for Mission Impossible, because to me those are two wildly different atmospheres with wildly different stakes and baseline truths. if that makes sense? so i do try to switch up my style when i feel like it's appropriate.

🎉 - how often do you celebrate completing & posting a work? how often do you give yourself the credit/validation that you seek from others when you post? (if you don't, you should!)

i don't think i celebrate much at all, per se. it's always more of a relief that i've gotten all of the most pressing ideas out of my head for the moment than it is an accomplishment, i guess? i'll probably start trying to celebrate now, though.

as for credit/validation, i don't really know how to measure that. i'm able to acknowledge that i've sent something out into the world to bear scrutiny, and i'm usually able to like what i've written once it's out there, so i guess i give myself credit that way??

💞 - what's the most important part of a story for you? the plot, the characters, the worldbuilding, the technical stuff (grammar etc), the figurative language

characters. always the characters. sometimes to the detriment of the rest of the story.

idk, i tend to start stories because something about a character's reactions/choices grabbed my attention, and flesh out a scenario around how those reactions/choices would be seen by others vs how the character would see it themselves, so the character is always at the heart of my storytelling. i'm always thinking about the faces we put on for different people vs the ones we wear when we're alone. i usually find that as long as i follow a character's patterns of behavior, priorities, and methods of self-expression, the story writes itself.

💝 - what is a fic that got a different response than you were expecting?

i don't really have expectations when i post, but the outpouring of love i received for Red Witness was definitely a shocker!! i mean, i'd never even heard of The Mentalist while it was airing from 2008-2015, so i was definitely a latecomer to the fandom, but apparently a lot of folks either rewatched it when the pandemic started or remembered it fondly enough to be excited about me writing for it, so that was a lovely surprise!!

🤍 - what's one fic of yours you think people didn't "get"?

i mean, one of the things i love about writing for fandom is all the variation in opinions and the different takes on what parts of canon are rock-solid vs which should be different, so i don't think it's possible for people to not "get" a fic. it's just one lens through which a set of events and people can be viewed.

that said, i suppose waiting for the hammer to fall didn't land the way i'd hoped it would, as far as my investment in the ideas i was trying to convey vs audience engagement goes, but i can definitely see why it wasn't "gotten". i spent a lot more time trying to mimic the style and feel of Good Omens and relying on that style to convey my ideas for me than i did figuring out how to explain what, exactly, those ideas were.

my intention was to explore "how does someone as buttoned-up as aziraphale, who has lived millennia in peaceful denial, come to terms with an impending confrontation that he absolutely can't avoid or weasel out of?", and that's still something that is very enticing to me, but the fact that he had been in denial his whole existence wasn't something that aziraphale would have been able to recognize on his own. so the execution fell far short of the mark, and i ended up with a few snippets of passable wit and imitative texture that couldn't have connected with a reader even with an operator on the line.

so, as far as the message of the fic goes, i suppose people didn't "get" that one, but it takes reliable postage to deliver a message and i left off all the stamps. (do we think there's been enough methods-of-communication metaphors for one day? everyone's knees sufficiently slapped?)

🕯️ - was there a fic that was really hard on you to write, or took you to a place you didn't think it would take you?

come together (over me) was a BRUTAL undertaking for a number of reasons, which is also why it hasn't been updated in two fucking years, for all my vain intent to finish it.

not only was it my first ever attempt at a multi-chapter fic, but it was also a long and involved discussion of the many different ways that grief can affect people that i started writing less than a year after losing a friend of mine to a tragic accident (which was also the way the mighty nein lost mollymauk). i started writing it in the first place in an attempt to comfort my partner at the time, for whom molly was an all-time favorite, so i was pushing myself obsessively to meet the perfect balance of canon-accurate and partner-approved characterizations, and giving myself a lot of grief about it.

at the same time, the outpouring of shock and despair from the Critical Role fandom was like nothing i had ever experienced before. this was the first PC death of their 2nd campaign, under circumstances that meant it would be a permanent one, and on top of that, mollymauk was - at the time - the only openly queer character in the party. people had become understandably attached.

unfortunately, though, IMO, this meant a large portion of the fandom deified him to unrecognizable extremes. to a lot of new enthusiasts, he became a saintly sacrificial lamb unjustly slaughtered, or worse, "bury your gays" in action (it was a random encounter at a time when the party cleric was away giving birth. just saying). people who disagreed or people who didn't like him all that much were met with outrage. wars of righteous indignation were waged. lines in the sand were drawn. it was a mess.

all this to say, a fledgling fan trying to be as canon-accurate as possible in my characterizations of people who'd known mollymauk, and of mollymauk himself, for this fic centered around what was now the most controversial fandom event i'd ever seen firsthand, had a higher-than-usual chance of getting me absolutely obliterated on the internet. the horror.

so overall, while i did get a lovely response from what i did end up posting, the circumstances of writing it were unexpectedly exhausting. i had a lot of great ideas, still have a solid outline for the rest of it, and i like what i managed to get done, but just thinking about continuing it (especially so long after it was relevant and after so much has been revealed in canon since) is. haunting

💥 - find your least kudos'd fic - say something wonderful about it.

oh Time Doesn't Stop. (but it should), we're really in it now.

my dear, sweet, first ever foray into posting on ao3, i'm still quite proud of you. it's one of the few times i've felt like i could say more with absence than with explanation. it's a time capsule of confidence in myself and in my skills, and i think i did a pretty good job depicting the ways that constantine both self-destructs and lashes out when faced with a situation that he can't worm his way out of. i like the fact that i let each section in the 5+1 format have room to breathe, rather than trying to blend them together into a seamless narrative; it feels more authentic to me, like time has actually been passing.

🍭 - why did you start writing?

re: writing in general, i genuinely can't remember. i've been writing stories since i was old enough to read them. maybe i've always wanted to create something that thinks the same way i do?

re: fanfiction, because i was an insatiable bookworm as a kid and there were never enough stories about the characters and settings i loved to satisfy me, so i decided to start making them up myself. it ain't a party until obi-wan kenobi is helping a larvitar set up a picnic for every legendary pokemon plus dustfinger from Inkheart.

💎 - why is writing important to you?

i don't really have a good answer for this, because i can't think of a reason it wouldn't be, honestly. i guess the closest thing would be: it's important because i've never been good at speaking my thoughts and feelings out loud, but on paper i can say exactly what i mean and have a better chance of being understood. no need for facial expressions that might be misconstrued, no way for anyone to misread my tone of voice, just uncomplicated self-expression.

it also means that i get to share my passions with folks who are just as passionate as i am, and that i have a less awkward social avenue for expressing my appreciation of their candor. integrating and crediting headcanons you adored into your personal interpretation of canon, writing something inspired by a one-off post because it made you feel something...there can be such confounding social rules around complimenting people when you do it verbally or in person, it's nice to be able to say "thank you for caring as much as you do!" by just. applying your craft.

📡 - why is writing and sharing your writing important for fandom?

because of what i said for the last question, it's all a way of sharing how you feel!!! people write because they feel strongly about a subject, whether they love canon or despise it, whether they want to refute a popular characterization they disagree with or expand on an AU that's been making the rounds. not to quote spongebob, but there's love in every stitch, whether you love the way you think about a character/a story or you love the way somebody else does.

it's also a way of preserving fandom over time, as well as the present moment! fan fiction started because of Star Trek fans in the 70s and they're still making trek shows today, the critical receptions of which are strongly influenced by fan interpretations so time-honored as to become gospel!! (snw you know what you did.) writing fics and sharing them with each other is a tradition of story-telling that will outlast us by centuries, and it is damned wonderful to know that what we leave behind are affirmations of love and dedication.

🪄 - what is your post-writing/sharing aftercare? How do you take care of yourself or celebrate yourself when you've finished a fic?

my aftercare is closing out the tab and running away from my computer sdhjk. i'm always very anxious about posting my work, and that's before sharing links or putting it anywhere else, so i usually post any writing i've gotten done right before i go to bed, and then in the morning i can read it with fresh eyes and a calmer brain and pat myself on the back for getting it done. that's a celebration in its way. other than that, drinking water is probably what i do the most after completing something.

🎙️ - which one of your fics would you like someone to make a pod-fic of?

actually, somebody already MADE a podfic of my groupchat fic the burning question, which would have been my answer!!!! the wonderful frecklebomb absolutely made my life when they put that together with their friends, i've never felt anything less than absolute joy remembering it.

🤲 - what do YOU get out of writing?

catharsis, baby! i write a lot of hurt/comfort to fill in gaps that i find myself thinking about between episodes/movies/chapters, and it often ends up being very therapeutic. i get the double pleasure of comforting someone and imagining being comforted, with the cherry on top that is narrative completion (at least by my standards).

💋 - when you leave comments on a fic, do you want to hear back from the writer?

i wouldn't call it a priority when i'm leaving those comments, but it's always lovely when they do reply. i'm a collector of joy, knowing with certainty that i've "repaid" someone for their labor of love is never a bad thing, but i definitely don't expect or seek it. hoard all those compliments for a rainy day, y'all deserve them!!

☯️ - how do you think engaging with each other through tumblr, twitter, comments, kudos, creates healthy fandom experiences? How do you deal with that if you're not a social person/experience social anxiety?

"healthy" really comes down to your point of view in fandom, but i do think that multi-platform engagement for fic authors lets you exercise a level of boundary-setting on social media relationships that the rise of tiktok has sort of blown out of the water.

i'm very tired so i'm not sure i could explain my thought process properly if i tried, but basically, going from an author's works on ao3 to their tumblr/twitter often feels like a delightful sneak peek into the mind behind the magic, while going from an author's tumblr/twitter to their works on ao3 can be like walking into a neighbor's studio and realizing they're michelangelo reincarnated. either way, multi-form engagement makes you value them as a person as much as you value the fruits of their labors.

on a less labyrinthine note, getting a message or comment from someone who read your stuff and loved it can be really comforting! someone who liked your work is among the followers who see your fandom theories and wildly thirsty tags. no matter how self-conscious you may get about Being Perceived, you now have at least one person who liked what they perceived.

that's what comforts me, anyway, as someone who is frequently anxious about making bad impressions and bothering people. it also encourages me to send off that complimentary message i've been thinking about sending for ages, even if i only do it anonymously. if i think i would appreciate getting a message like that, then it's worth doing.

🧿 - what steps do you take to not take things personally if a fic doesn't do well, or if your writing/posting/sharing experience isn't going how you'd like it to?

i really can't stress enough how much i write and post for myself more than for a potential audience. i tell the story that i want to read, not the one i've seen people wishing for. if the two end up being one and the same, that's the best feeling in the world, but it's not the motivating factor behind me writing/posting/sharing.

sometimes i do get less engagement on a fic than i thought i might and it makes me worry that i misread a character, or i write something that i find really funny that never gets commented on, but then i have to remind myself that i only post in the first place when i like it enough to post. if it's up, i've decided i liked it. i didn't decide it was perfect, and i didn't mind-read the fandom to figure out what they're looking for in a fic, and i don't need to as long as it's good enough for me. that's really the only step i take, i guess.

💌 - share something with us about an up-and-coming work (WIP) that has you excited!

rubbing my grubby little paws together because OH BOY, i have a Mission Impossible benji & ilsa hurt/comfort dawning-friendship fic coming down the pipes that is very soft and sweet to me, and involves benji braiding ilsa's hair because she's failed miserably at doing it on her own and she's never had anyone to do it for her. it's my sweet angel baby right now, at least until good omens comes out in 24 hours and my synapses misfire to permanently sear the word 'GAY' behind my eyes.

[chaoticgeminate]

Kinktober 2022 - Chapter Thirty One

Pairing: Javi Gutierrez x f!Reader

Rating: Explicit (If that was not entirely clear)

Series Summary: You’re a fanfiction writer turned novelist, which was great since it was the path you wanted your writing to take you down in life. What you never thought would happen was meeting the Javier Gutierrez, who you actively write smutty fanfiction about from his film with Nic Cage, and you especially didn’t expect him to have a crush on you.

Fast forward several months of dating, with a good chunk of your relationship being distance due to his constant traveling and having to go home to Mallorca, when he surprises you with a prompt list and a vacation planned around exploring it.

You haven’t even worked up the nerve to tell him about what you write and post to Tumblr about him as a character yet.

Notes: Going to be using prompts from @the-purity-pen for my meta as hell indulgence! There are feelings in this (I have no idea how they got there) and I may end up removing some possible chapters here and there depending on how I’m feeling, I apologize in advance if that happens because my brain is super mean sometimes.

Possible Warnings: Squirting, toys (butt plug), fooling around between trick or treaters (not advised EVER under any real circumstances this is FICTION for a reason), unprotected PiV

Free Choice - Toys (1.5k)

Underestimating Javi’s ability to source things was something you still found yourself dressed as Sally while Javi adjusted his bat bowtie, you’d chosen to forgo the full make-up and instead used eye pencil to draw the stitch lines on your skin and put on the shockingly bright red wig that looked like it was made from thread rather than synthetic hair. Red lipstick completed your look and you turned to see study your fiancé again; he’d gone full white make-up with dark black rings around his eyes with the extended lines at his lips, and since so much of his blazer was open, he’d made sure to bring the white all the way down.

Javi left his hair alone, the shape of his facial hair standing out under the white make-up, but otherwise he’d done a good job with the coverage of it. Your apartment had been decked out in a last-minute explosion of decorations, red shiny garland with fake cobwebs strung between candy canes lined your entryway where the door was left open to allow people inside.

Using command hooks to attach them to the wall you had Christmas lights fixed in place but in the shape of spider webs, it had taken ages to get them to not only work but stay where you wanted them to, and everything of value was already stashed away while the television had a horror ambiance soundtrack playing and Javi finished putting up the last of the fake cobwebs.

With the lights off and the only lighting coming from the Christmas lights your apartment looked like a void zone of Halloween and Christmas, the mini projectors with the ghosts from Nightmare Before Christmas on the walls added to the last-minute décor and you loved all of it.

All night you got compliments from parents, awed remarks from kids, and between groups you and Javi teased each other or talked depending on what door In the building the next group of kids were at.

“Solecita it is hardly 4 are you sure the kids will be showing up?” “Yes, Javi, they’ve been starting the Trick or Treating earlier and earlier.”

“Did you see the Transformer costume? He was such a cool little Bumblebee!” “Perhaps next year we should aspire to go grandiose, mi amor, I could have fun planning a large event at the olive grove.”

“Fuck- Javi they’re next door.” “You were so close, Solecita, lo siento.” “Gloves on, Skeleton King.”

“Is someone upset?” “You are a wicked tease, when you said you wanted to see how good the lipstick looked on me I thought you meant-“ “Well you’re wearing white make up Javi, only choice to indulge would be to shade check in other places and there are children coming in and out.”

“I want one.” “Solecita-“ “She was so cute, Javi!” “I am allergic, but we could get a dog?” “Okay, that’s fair.”

When the last of the candy was gone -your custom modified Christmas chocolate mixed with Halloween treats proving to be a big hit- you and Javi put the sign up on the door saying you were out before deciding clean up would happen tomorrow. Heading right for your too small bathroom together, though Javi went to the sink first to get as much of the white makeup off as he could before he got under the water stream.

You were nearly done and getting out, since the shower was barely able to fit him comfortably on his own, and Javi caught your hand to pull you in for a searing kiss first.

Focusing more on drying than dressing, since there was little point, you felt a little tremor of excitement shoot through you at wondering how Javi would react to your surprise. It had been fun to slip away during set-up to get a plug in, how he hadn’t noticed when he’d slipped his hand up your dress between groups you would never know, but it meant more fun for you when he find it.

A rather fun idea made you giggle and lay back on the  so you were propped on the pillows, moaning softly when you began to let one hand glide down your body. The soft touch made you shiver as you imagined him hearing you and rushing through the rest of his shower, wondering if he would surrender control it take it.

Your next breathy sound was louder, loud enough that he definitely heard you since the water cut off.

“Solecita, what do you think you are you doing?”

His tone was sharp and deep, you looked up at him through hooded eyes as he stood in the doorway. You met his stare with a look of defiance and whimpered as you slipped your fingers down through your folds, earning a small sound not unlike a growl from him as he watched you part your lips for him. Letting him see how wet you were, see the shine of your arousal as it leaked down your slit.

His nostrils flared when your hips rolled up, as you circled your clit, and Javi crossed the room in maybe three strides to snatch your hand away from your body and roll you over onto your stomach. You felt him discover the plug, the way he gasped out a soft “bebita” before he was picking your hips up and pressing your upper body into the mattress, and since the last time you were in this position he had been driving into you with the intent to breed you… you clenched around nothing with a whine.

“Javi-“

“Look at you. So wet already, but you seemed happy to take care of yourself. You even have something to fill you here.” He pressed against the base of the plug, making you try to rock back for more of the sensation.

“Wanted t’ surprise you-“

“Oh, I am surprised, bebita. But I don’t want to interrupt your fun, I just wanted a better view. Go ahead, make yourself cum.”

He grabbed your hand, the one he’d pulled away, and lifted it to cup your pussy, urging you to continue what you were doing; your desperate little whine and the way your hand slipped through your folds with a wet sound had your knees widening as you rocked down against the press of your fingers.

Javi watched you touch yourself, and you could feel how close he was to you by his breath on your skin, the soft kisses to the backs of your thighs and the breathy little curses he was breathing against your skin when you would dip your fingers into your body to make sure you showed him just how wet and ready you were for him.

It was only when you were so close to that peak, when your breathing was erratic and you could feel it right there, that he slid his cock home; the fullness you felt of him and the plug was so much and you felt the hot rush of your orgasm soak him and your legs and definitely the sheets below. Javi didn’t even last two full thrusts before he was filling you, just as overwhelmed as you were feeling, and the two of you were left panting hard as your body trembled from the sensations.

“Fuck, you were so tight and wet- I couldn’t stop myself if I tried. Bebita, can you handle more?”

“Always, mi prometido.”

He grinned when you looked over your shoulder at him and when he moved again, he did it in a way that let him close his left hand over yours, allowing you to see your rings beside each other and catching the low lighting of your bedside lamp, and Javi pressed a kiss to the corner of your mouth.

“Be careful, mi prometida, I am a greedy man.”

“Don’t make promises you can’t keep.”

He chuckled in your ear and ground himself inside of you, making you whimper.

“You can believe that I will keep all of my promises, Solecita, starting with the most important one of all. I promise to love you and be by your side from now until the end of eternity.”

He was such a fucking romantic, even buried in you like this, and you loved him so much for it.

“I promise to support you and love you and do anything in my power to make sure you have a reason to smile by my side, from now until eternity.”

Javi whimpered, a broken sound, and the tender way he rocked into you as he draped himself more onto your body was so all encompassing and perfect and you made sure he knew it.

“So good to me, Javi.” “Feels so amazing, the way you love me is always what I need.”

“You’re a good man cariño, I love you with all that I am.”

Javi’s choked off whimper in your shoulder, the feeling of his body going rigid and his balls drawing up, made you sure that for the rest of your lives and the rest of your eternity you would make sure he knew just how much you loved him and how glad you were that he had found you.

All Fics Taglist: @hardc0rehaylz @wordsnwhiskey @pagannightwitch @radiowallet @musings-of-a-rose @amneris21 @trickstersp8 @practicalghost @rominaszh @alwaysdjarin @alexxavicry @all-the-way-down-here

Just Pedro Taglist: @maievdenoir @beecastle @littlemisspascal @writeforfandoms @AynsleyWalker @lovesbiggerthanpride @mswarriorbabe80

Alt Taglist: @imtryingmybeskar @fan-of-encouragement @grogusmum @sizzlingcloudmentality @deadhumourist @prostitute-robot-from-the-future

Kinktober Only: @nicolethered @katareyoudrilling

[cuteandtwisted]

This episode may not be action-filled or advance the plot much. But it’s not a filler.

It’s all about Porsche and his character development. (You know: Porsche. Literally one half of KinnPorsche. The show half named after him?)

In fact, most of the episode is from his POV. He’s in most scenes and most of them are seen through his eyes. He’s in his head and we’re right there with him. 

We’ve already established most of this as viewers, but this is Porsche’s opportunity to come to terms with these things as well (since he’s getting a little break from getting shot at):

Porsche is in love for the first time in his life

Porsche is sexually and romantically involved with a man for the first time ever

Porsche realizes that despite his rather promiscuous past and adventures with the ladies, he knows nothing about love or relationships. (Has he ever made love sober? Has he? Has he ever been touched while not intoxicated? I don’t think so)

Porsche realizes he doesn’t want to lose this/whatever this is. He asks for advice. He says to Yok, verbatim. “I really don’t know where to start. What should I do next?” 

Porsche works to make this work/whatever it is. He studies for their date/the first date of his life (kill me) and wants it “to be perfect”. 

Porsche realizes that, unlike him, Kinn has known love before and has experienced it before. 

Porsche experiences intense jealousy and insecurity for, possibly, the first time ever. He’s learning who he is as a lover. He’s learning new things about himself.

By the end of the episode, Porsche decides that it’s okay that’s he’s not Kinn’s first love, because he’s his now. Plus: A: Tawan is literally dead. Kinn won’t stay hung up on a dead person B: Kinn is convinced that Tawan never loved him, that he betrayed him, and that he was just using him. Kinn values loyalty above all else. Porsche is loyal. He’s not worried

Except everything crumbles at the end because:  A: Tawan is very much alive B: Tawan is going to fight like hell to change Kinn’s mind about his loyalty and his love 

So what’s the point of this episode? This ep is here to make the angst that will follow hurt A HUNDRED TIMES MORE. 

Porsche, in his own way, said ‘I Love You’ to Kinn twice (when he slapped Kinn in Ep7 and when he said that Tawan’s ghost was just jealous that they’re “in love”)

Do you know how many times Kinn said it back or validated Porsche’s feelings with words? ZERO TIMES.

And do you know how many times Kinn mentioned the word ‘Love’? Twice. And do you know who it was about? Tawan. 1) “I couldn’t imagine how I could stop loving him [Tawan]” 2) “He never loved me [Tawan]”

IN CONCLUSION:

Porsche is going to be heartbroken and so are we. We’ll likely get the “What was I to you? Did you ever even love me? Was I just a replacement for the real thing? Are you just going to throw me away now that you have him back? Now that he’s proved that he’s loved you all along and that he never betrayed you?” 

Porsche is giving Kinn his everything. All of his firsts. (And all of his lasts). His first love, his first date, his first jealous feelings, his first kill, his first gunshot wound, his first fuck, (+ his first sober fuck), his first fight, his first slap, his first heartbreak.

Porsche is giving Kinn everything because he simply cannot not give him his all. He’s already crossed the point of no return.

Kinn is going to break Porsche’s heart. And Porsche is going to let him. 

[sleepyowlwrites]

wip folders/titles tag (to end all tags)

briar-bush snagged by @aalinaaaaaa @talesofsorrowandofruin @mj-is-writing and @nicola-writes my goodness. it's been a little while since I did this, and I've got some new followers, so here goes. I'm doing groupings AKA scrivener docs. and I'm not gonna do this again any time soon, no matter what new ideas I get.

and other stories > Idea Box:

Rowena > Troublesome Princes, Twin Wizards, Vanishing Staircase, Sneezing Rain, Tiny Pirates, Lost Dragons, Doomed Crown, True Love's Kiss

Ghost Story > Violet, Trans-dimensional Ghosts

Spirits and Summoners

Spider Silk

City Story > dirt in the doing, gang up on crime

Death Story > The Score

Guild Story > House of Favors, House of Swords, House of Breath

Hunter Story

Apocalypse Story > Wasteland > Two Alone

Summer Story > The Summer Gallery

College Story > Previous Lives and Premonitions

old fantasy > 29 Days of October

Tumblr Shorts > remember/forget, know/don't know, greatest detective, riveting revival, villain/not villain, glow, study flirting, hell in a handbasket, the chosen one, the grave diggers, a universe of you, potions, trust?

Archive > The Illusion, ideas

Stories? > >100, you were a windshield

youth > The Ephemeral Infinite

Prewritten > scenes pt.1, scenes pt.2, supplemental scenes, episodes, chronological

Parts of the Story > The Garden, The Broken Eclipse, An Ocean of Moments, Skin Deep Spaces, Valley Under the Bridge, Mountain and Moon, Right Here, Right Now, Just Between Us, Void Inside the Soul, Kinder Lies, Abyss of Memory, The Bittersweet and Beautiful, The Dragons of Summer

Draft 02 > The Garden, from the journal

Sorting the Story > R and Mark

AUs > Spirits and Spectres

universe (space story)

first draft > anxiety story

The Beginning

The Bleed

The Encounter

The House

The Many Happenings

The Start of Class

The Weekend

The Routine

The Upset

The Anger

The Breakdown

The Storm

The Insides

The Stars

Spontaneous Scenes > ree's name, new snowboots, synopsis, meet theo, not angel ree, exist without

Name Swap > The Entire Thing

petrichor > draft

Act 1 > prologue, Meet the Fam (Kena, Kyt, One Family), Meet the Crisis (Drying, Dying, Crying), Meet the Quest (Walking, Talking, Stalking)

Act 2 > Meet the City (New People, New World, New Status), Meet the Magic (Internal, External, Paternal), Meet the Curse (Implications, Characterizations, Explanations)

Act 3 > Meet the Wizard (Choosing Sides, Switching Sides, Inside-outside), Meet the Recipe (Seeking, Speaking, Sleeping), Meet the Choices (Storms, Silence, Savior)

Burn::Freeze > name replace

Scenes > real communication, sardha is angry, a god laughs

Collections > Fandoms

The 100 > Punctuation, Sage

Shadowhunters

Avengers

Chicago P.D. > Shots

Power Rangers

ATLA

Misc.

Other Stuff > dialogue prompts, conversation prompts, setting prompts, title prompts

poetry and prose > Directory

Archive > 2010, 2011, 2012, 2013, 2014, 2015, 2016, 2017-19, 2020

Modern Collections: ellipses of thought, wwafllhdwg, walls and windows, weary and wanting, colors and creation, the kinds of being, you without me, sometimes words, what I will give you, discord, same again, deadly delights, the unknown, a palette of wonder

The Book of Lost Lyrics > love lines, lonely lines

The Book of Lost Lines > short, collectionless

free edits > ghosty's song, deathdancer

writing thoughts > character, story

sleepy subtitles library > The Library

C Dramas > The Untamed (Blood series, character study), The Lost Tomb (The Sounds in Silence, Functions of a Heart, Shorts, Living Death series)

Thai Dramas > KP (constellation), Misc.

kboys > Crossovers (gang, food & fruit, meta-portal), TXT (apocalypse, angels?), Archive Kpop

and that's it! that all the docs. I did it very thoroughly this time, covered all the wips, the parts, the ideas, the fics and the poetry. I even left a few out because they are barely ideas and I'll never write them. they're just pages with names, so they don't count. anyway. um. I don't remember who did this during the last go-round of tags. so just ignore me if you've done this recently. @mel-writes-with-her-dragons @uraniumwriting @ettawritesnstudies @viskafrer @zoya-writes @oh-no-another-idea @writing-is-a-martial-art OR ANYBODY, of course, as always

And Dreamy, who always wants to snoop on what I'm writing @writingonesdreams