#yowza this got long

[goldkirk]

My five happy things for the day

• paper that has a good feeling texture

• things not feeling like an emergency EVERY second of the day, only part of the time

• the fact that these cheapo stamp ink pads from Walmart a few years ago somehow still have a bit of functioning ink not dried out?

• I’m able to track and retain conversations for longer periods of time again, I’m finally finally finally feeling some progress

• putting on a warm hoodie or coat when feeling chilled

[modern-gremlin]

“Me?... Oh, I'm thankful for... how about I just show you when we get home tonight?”

When I tell you she can step on me and I'd be grateful I'd just...

DON'T CALL IT A COMEBACK seriously don't because I had this poster almost ready a long time ago but kept making little adjustments and the layout was cursing my dreams and I still don't really love it but it's fine because I do love the drawing… HALEY'S HERE <3 Can't get over that Feast of the Winter Star dialogue because YOWZA I'd be running home like 🏃‍♀️💨

Bachelorette series is on the way (:< I've got the next one in the works already but tell me who ya wanna see next.

[weirdmarioenemies]

Name: Spoing

Debut: Super Mario Galaxy

Spoing is a jumping spider! Though it's not quite a jumping spider, you know? Like how a lynx is a big cat, but it's not a big cat. You know. But even so, I would like to express my appreciation to real jumping spiders! With their extra conventional cuteness, they capture the hearts of even people who are scared of other bugs, and as such are ambassadors for the rest of spiderkind. A gateway to appreciating some other creatures, which some fools may call "less charismatic", as if it is not charismatic to, for example, dangle a blob of silk to catch moths like a little fisherman. Anyway, as president, I will make sure all jumping spiders are compensated for their services. In dollars.

I don't know if I'm just saying this because I've been replaying Galaxy recently and have a sort of recency bias, but Spoing really might be one of the cutest Mario enemies ever! We all know, we all love, the eyes-in-a-void face! And on a BUG? Yowza! I've seen that kind of face on crabs and sometimes bagworms (I think?) but I'm not sure I've seen it on any other arthropod, and ESPECIALLY not a spider. I don't know how Spoing would hunt. Would it just shove prey into the eye void? Is it also a mouth? That would be pretty awesome.

You know, their faces make them look kind of like funny astronauts... and they only have four limbs, not eight. Are these truly spiders? Were they once human, until something unspeakable happened? And will it happen to me someday? I hope so!

Spoings mainly appear in Space Junk Galaxy, which I think we on the Weird Mario Enemies Office Pizza Party Email Chain all agree is a really great galaxy, with impeccable vibes. It's space at some of its most lonely, as opposed to spectacle, and I REALLY appreciate the presence of spiders here. Spiders and their webs are always used to visually communicate the idea of a place or object being unused, abandoned. And this galaxy is just a bunch of forgotten debris, not inhabited by any sapient civilization! If moths are the mascot of empty wallets, spiders are the mascots of forgotten attics! Spoings to not seem to make webs, which, yeah, actively hunting spiders do not! But they might make Sling Pods. And Sling Pod Galaxy is... well, I don't want to use this post to criticize a galaxy that precious spiders may have had a part in designing. So I will move on to...

Name: Spangler

Debut: Super Mario Galaxy

Spoing's got an evolutionary relative, and rather than being a spider boing, this is a spider dangler! It at first looks like a recolor of Spoing, but it actually lacks the fuzziness of Spoing's abdomen, and it DOES have a big ol' spinneret, which it is always using to dangle on a silk thread! One big one, like a really long string cheese. These ones debut in Ghostly Galaxy, indicating that they are spookier than the more generalized Spoings. Is it the silk? Is silk Spooky? It is what ends up encasing the spider's prey... like a MUMMY! Maybe I'm on to something here!

I really like Spoing and Spangler, and that both exist! It may be sort of the same design for two different enemy behaviors, but they're both behaviors that make sense for the design, and it's a design I always love to see. It's like they're closely related species! Maybe a population of Spanglers was separated from the others and ended up in the more barren Space Junk Galaxy, where there was not nearly as much infrastructure to dangle from, and where only active hunting was a viable strategy. And over time, Spoings evolved from this population! Actually, maybe they even use the Sling Pods for hunting, when we're not looking, launching themselves at unsuspecting prey...

And just to make sure we're not appreciating fictional creatures over real ones too much, I should tell you that there is, indeed, a spider that slingshots itself at prey using its web. Sometimes reality is stranger than fiction. And it's often a spider's fault! The variety of ways in which different species use their silk is honestly one of the most incredible things in all of nature!

[superluigiglitchy]

8!Desti talking about Avatar!Meggy: I'm proud to identify as morosexual. I'm attracted to dumbasses and dumbasses exclusively. A girl asked me what the Spanish word for tortilla was once and now I dream of kissing her under the moonlight

Avatar!Meggy: what kind of animal is the pink panther

8!Desti, already taking off her clothes: Meggy you're so fucking stupid

-

Acht/DJ Dedf1sh: seriously, what do ya see in that woman?

8!Desti: she makes me laugh

-

Mario: Meggy, I am nothing if not a man of principle.

Mario: Now let’s break into this apartment.

-

*Michigan and Tari are on an adventure and a plan to take back and artifact that was taken from the duo went horribly wrong and now they're running*

Tari: Why would you think any of this was a good idea?!?

Michigan: Probably because I'm a dangerous narcissist with a long history of violence.

Tari:

Tari: oh-

Michigan: I don't understand why you keep forgetting that.

-

(nintendo!mario/og!mario is the canon mario with in the franchise and who smg4!mario was before being dumbed down by the gaurdian pod, just to clear smth up)

Nintendo!Mario: Damn, the power went out.

Avatar!Meggy: Don’t worry, I got this.

Avatar!Meggy: *cracks neck despite not having bones*

Nintendo!Mario: What-?

Avatar!Meggy: *starts to glow like those luminescent squids* I drank glowstick juice :3

Nintendo!Mario: *on the verge of tears* WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT-

-

Triple Dose!Meggy: I hate when people ask me, 'What did you do today?' Buddy listen, I woke up at noon and then it was five p.m., okay? I don't KNOW!

-

Michigan: Do I sound smart, or am I smart?

Saiko: You sound unbearable, to be perfectly honest.

-

Triple Dose!Meggy: There are some things beyond our understanding. We must accept them and learn from them. Because these moments of crisis are also potential moments of faith. A time, when we either come together or fall apart. Nature always has a way of balancing itself. The only question is, what part will we play?

Paige: *concerned* Did you just make that up?

Triple Dose!Meggy: No. I read it in a fortune cookie once.

Paige:

Triple Dose!Meggy: A really long fortune cookie.

-

Michigan: Sometimes I like to call people by the wrong name to show them I don’t care about them.

Bob: That’s brilliant.

Michigan: Thank you, Jeff.

-

Michigan: You’re alive.

Bob: No need to sound so disappointed.

-

Avatar!Meggy: Thanks for opening my message and not responding.

OG!Mario: *smug as hell* All good bro, any time.

Avatar!Meggy: Fuck you

-

8!Desti: As top in this relationship, I think we should-

Avatar!Meggy: I can't believe you're pulling rank on me.

-

Avatar!Meggy: Bro-

8!Desti: No, no, hold up, rewind.

8!Desti: My tongue was down in your throat just a second ago and now you're calling me bro??

-

Avatar!Meggy: We have a problem.

8!Desti: No, YOU have a problem. I have an idiot who keeps making them.

-

Avatar!Meggy: *Laughs* Babe, you had a crush on me? That’s embarrassing—

8!Desti: We’re married.

Avatar!Meggy: Still

-

8!Desti: Know why I called you in here?

Avatar!Meggy: Because I accidentally sent you a dick pic.

8!Desti: *Stops pouring two glasses of wine.* Accidentally?

-

Avatar!Meggy: Cause your pretty and your smart, and your ignoring me so your obviously my type.

8!Desti, who was distracted: I'm sorry- what were you saying?

Avatar!Meggy: Perfect.

-

Avatar!Meggy: I think I just figured something out. I got to go.

8!Desti: Aren't you forgetting something?

Avatar!Meggy: Uuh...*hesitantly kisses Desti's forehead before running out.*

8!Desti: No, pay your bill! Damn, who raised you?

-

Avatar!Meggy, an hkur after she and Desti got together: Wait, what's going on? Are we all talking about how hot Desti is? Because Desti is a straight up sexual fox riding a red-hot nuclear bombshell right toward the yowza plaza in the heart of Babe City, Assachusetts, U S A. The last A just stands for more ass.

-

Avatar!Meggy: That's ridiculous, Desti doesn't have a crush on me.

Og!Mario: Yes they do.

Og!Luigi: Yes they do.

8!Desti: Yes I do.

-

8!Desti: Look, last night was a mistake.

Avatar!Meggy: A sexy mistake.

8!Desti: No, just a regular mistake.

-

8!Desti: Meggy, you do remember when we agreed we were better off as friends, right?

Avatar!Meggy, naked in 8!Desti's bed: No, I absolutely do not.

8!Desti, already taking off their clothes: Fuck... Me neither.

-

Avatar!Meggy: Hey, wanna take a shower with me?

8!Desti: I have a gun in that nightstand beside the bed. If I ever say no to that question, I want you to take it out and shot me because I’ve obviously gone crazy.

-

Avatar!Meggy: Crushes are the worst. Whenever I’m near mine, I start acting stupid.

8!Desti: You always act stupid.

8!Desti:

8!Desti: Wait...

[cadybear420]

NSFW (and some SFW) Incorrect Quotes: Cadybear's Couples Edition

Inspired by @choicesmc's post and @thosehallowedhalls' post. Quote generator is here.

(Disclaimer, some quotes will be slightly altered from how they appear in the generator)

This is also gonna be a long post because I milked the shit out of the generator to try and see all prompts possible

High School Story: OG Trilogy

Aiden, looking through his clothes: Has anyone seen my top?

Michael: Evie's in the kitchen.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Evie: Wait, what's going on? Are we all talking about how hot Aiden is? Because Aiden is a straight up sexual fox riding a red-hot nuclear bombshell right toward the yowza plaza in the heart of Babe City, Assachusetts, U S A. The last A just stands for more ass.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Aiden: *sucking on a popsicle*

Michael: Pfft, you practicing for when Evie gets here?

Aiden: *takes a huge ass bite out of the popsicle*

Michael: *Concern*

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Aiden: We should get you to a doctor for a check up immediately. What if it happens again, and there isn’t anyone around to help you? What if it’s congenital? Oh my God! Was it me? Did I hurt you?

Evie: …You realize any other person that made their partner pass out on bed would simply feel really proud of themselves, right?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Evie: "What are you into?" is such a broad question, like do I reply with a TV series or choking?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Evie: Crushes are the worst. Whenever I’m near mine, I start acting stupid.

Aiden: You always act stupid.

Aiden:

Aiden: Wait...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Aiden: I know every song to ever exist it doesn't matter if it's from the past, present or the future.

Evie: Oh yeah? Then continue this.

Evie: I don't cook I don't clean-

Aiden: So let me tell you how I got this ring.

Both: .....

Both: GOBBLE ME, SWALLOW ME-

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Aiden: I am not a whore, and, not that I’ve done the math, but, if I were, I’d be the super classy kind that gets flown to Dubai to stay in an underwater hotel.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Evie: It’s called hentai and it is art!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Aiden: Hey, wanna take a shower with me?

Evie: I have a gun in that nightstand beside the bed. If I ever say no to that question, I want you to take it out and shoot me because I’ve obviously gone crazy.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Myra: That shirt looks great, Aiden.

Aiden: Thanks.

Myra: But I bet it would look even better on Evie's floor.

Evie: Are you hitting on Aiden... for me?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Alan: I committed all 7 deadly sins in 30 minutes.

Emma: Wow, I've gotta hear this.

Alan: I was angry and envious of my neighbor so I lazily seduced his wife and ate all his groceries and didn't share.

Maria: You forgot pride.

Alan: No, I'm pretty proud of this.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Maria: Make her pussy wet not her eyes.

Caleb: Make his dick hard not his life.

Michael: Break her bed not her heart.

Evie: Play with his boobs not his feelings.

Aiden: Get on her dick not her nerves.

Emma: Always salt your pasta while boiling it.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Evie: Hey, random question, what are your favorite flowers?

Aiden: Roses, why?

Evie:

Aiden: Were you going to get me flowers?

Evie:

Aiden:

Evie: ᶦᵗ’ˢ ᵃ ᵖᵒˢˢᶦᵇᶦˡᶦᵗʸ

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Aiden: Is there a cactus where your heart should be?

Michael: What’s up your ass this morning!?

Evie: *walks in* ...Hey.

Michael: Hmm… nevermind.

Aiden: WAIT NO!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Evie: How is the most beautiful person in the world?

Aiden: *blushing* I—

Michael, butting into the conversation: Maria is perfect, thanks for asking.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Aiden: I spy with my little eye something that begins with the letter “s”.

Evie: *looks over at Michael and Maria*

Evie: Is it “sexual tension”?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Aiden: Do you want to explain the text you sent me last night?

Evie: It was autocorrect.

Aiden: Autocorrect wrote "You're so hot. Please step on me."?

Evie: Yes.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Alan: Look, do I consider myself attractive? Yes. But would I have sex with my clone? Also yes.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Aiden: Priest kink is definitely a thing and I am afflicted by it.

Maria: Go to church.

Maria: WAIT-

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Maria: We should be partners.

Michael: You mean like, partners in crime?

Maria: Yeah... that’s precisely what I meant.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Evie: I’ve never asked someone out. How do you even do it?

Michael: Oh, what I do is, I look them up and down and I say: “Hey… how you doin’?”

Aiden, scoffing: Oh, please.

Evie, to Aiden: Hey, how you doin’?

Aiden:

Aiden: *giggles and blushes*

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Evie: Hey Maria, wanna third wheel on my date with Aiden tomorrow?

Maria: Sure.

Evie: Michael! Wanna third wheel on my date with Aiden tomorrow?

Michael: Yeah

Evie: Great! I've always wanted to go on a double date!

Maria & Michael: ...

Aiden: Evie...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Evie: Wow, Aiden, you want to hold my hand before marriage? How awfully lewd of you. 

Aiden: We literally slept together yesterday. 

Evie: That's NOTHING compared to the lewdness of holding hands.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Aiden: *banging a pen on the table out of frustration*

Evie: Stop that. How would YOU feel if I banged you on the table?

Aiden: I—

Aiden: I don’t know the correct answer to that question.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Alan, staring upwards: So, Maria broke up with me… haha…

Aiden: Why are you looking up?

Alan: I need to cry, but my foundation was 48 dollars!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Emma: Why is everyone so obsessed with top or bottom? Honestly, I’d just be excited to have a bunk bed.

Michael:

Michael: I'm gonna tell her.

Maria: Don't you dare.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

*Maria and Michael flirting with each other yet again*

Evie: And you two are sure you're not dating?

Michael: 100%.

Maria: Of course not! Why would you think that?

Evie: I wonder why that possibility would even cross my mind, Maria. I fucking wonder.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Emma, sweating: Alan, there’s something I need to ask you-

Alan: Finally! You’re proposing!

Emma: How’d you know?

Alan: Emma, you’ve dropped the ring five times during dinner.

Alan: I even picked it up once.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Evie: Well, remember when Aiden made a romantic dinner for me?

Michael: Evie, he microwaved you a pizza.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Violet: Michael is too tall for me to kiss him on the lips. What should I do?

Maria: Punch him in the stomach. Then, when he doubles over in pain, kiss him.

Koh: Tackle them!

Sakura: Dump them.

Wes: Kick them in the shin!

Violet: No to all of those! Just ask me to lean down!!

High School Story: Class Act

Cher: Well, Ajay and I finally did it! 

The rest of the squad: *gasps, shocked expressions, etc.* 

Cher: That's right... We kissed!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Ajay: How do you tell someone that you wanna have sex with them in a polite way?

Skye: "Excuse me Ms. Lee, would you give me the honours of indulging in sexual activities with you?"

Rory: What the fuck is wrong with you two?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Ajay: I was going to suggest we do Marilyn Monroe and JFK roleplay, but I’d get way too into it.

Cher: What- how?

Ajay: You’d be like “Come to bed… Mr. President” and I’d be like, “I need to increase the amount of American military advisors in South Vietnam by a factor of 18.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Skye: Look, I know you think my judgement's clouded because I like Lilith a little bit.

Cher, holding Skye's notepad: You doodled your wedding invitation.

Skye: No, that's our joint tombstone.

Cher: My mistake.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Ajay: Someone take me to art museums and make out with me.

Cher: But they said not to touch the masterpieces.

Ajay: Well somebody's got to pin the artwork to the wall.

Skye, on a walkie talkie: This is Skye, those idiots are fucking around in the East wing again.

HSS: Prime

Jordan: How do I ask Julian out?

Ezra: Roses are red, violets are blue, guess what, my bed has room for two.

Jordan: No!

Wes: Twinkle twinkle little star, we can do it in a car.

Jordan: Stop!

Sakura: Row, row, row your boat gently down the stream, merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily I can make you scream.

Jordan: I feel like the last one is verging dangerously into serial killer territory.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Koh: I sleep with a gun under my pillow.

Wes: I sleep with a knife.

Jordan: Both of you are pathetic.

Koh: Oh yeah? What do you sleep with?

Jordan: Julian.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Jordan: I’m so happy, I could kiss you!

Julian: Um...Neat.

*later*

Julian, lying face down on his bed: I said “Neat,” Nishan. Who the fuck says neat these days? It’s not neat to say neat but I said it anyways because I’m fucking stupid.

Nishan, reading a book: Don’t beat yourself up too much, Julian. Everyone gets nervous sometimes. Remember what I did when Sakura confessed her love for me?

Julian: Didn’t you thank her?

Nishan: *closes the book and looks at the ceiling* I fucking thanked her.

It Lives in the Woods

Lucas: I am the left brain, I am the left brain. "I work really hard until my inevitable death" brain. You've got a job to do, you better do it right and the right way is with the left brain's might.

Jo: I LIKE OREOS AND BUSSY-

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Lucas: Know why I called you in here?

Jo: Because I accidentally sent you a dick pic.

Lucas: *Stops pouring two glasses of wine* Accidentally?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Jo, to Lucas, Andy, Connor, Dan, and Noah: If we were in prison you guys would be like my bitches.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Jo: Hi, sorry I’m late. I was doing a couple of things and got distracted.

Lucas: I’m “a couple of things”.

Andy: I’m “got distracted”.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Lucas: I didn't drink that much last night.

Ava: You were flirting with Jo.

Lucas: So what? She's my wife.

Ava: You asked if she was single.

Ava: And then you cried when she said she wasn't.

It Lives Beneath

Tom: What’s your body count?

Harper Addison: Do you mean sex or murder?

It Lives Within

Cedric: I’m the sexiest bitch in this therapy waiting room.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Jocelyn: Look Cedric, I'm not slut shaming you, but...

Jocelyn: Actually yeah, I'm TOTALLY slut shaming you.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Cedric: I want to wake up with you every day for the rest of our lives.

Jocelyn: I wake up at 4:30 AM every day to train.

Cedric: I want to see you at some point every day for the rest of our lives.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Jocelyn: How do I make a date really romantic?

Lincoln: Be mysterious.

Jocelyn: Okay!

*later, while on a date with Cedric*

Cedric: So where are we going?

Jocelyn: None of your fucking business.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Cedric: I would never say that my girlfriend is a bitch and I don’t like her. That’s not true… My girlfriend is a bitch and I like her so much!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Jocelyn: Stop doing that.

Cedric: Stop doing what?

Jocelyn: Saying things that make me wanna kiss the hell out of you.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Jocelyn: I am so horny and angry all the time.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Jocelyn: Go fuck yourself.

Cedric, smugly: Sure, but only if you watch.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Lincoln: Who would you kill out of the four of us, Joss?

Jocelyn: Abel, easily.

Abel, laughing: What the fuck, man.

Jocelyn: Well, Cedric would be too easy. He’d probably be into it.

Cedric, now standing in the doorway: What the fuck, man!?

Ride or Die

Colt: What are you in the mood for? 

Adelaide: World domination. 

Colt: That's a bit ambitious. 

Adelaide: You are my world. 

Colt: Aww... 

Adelaide:

Colt:

Adelaide:

Colt: OH.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Colt: Do you think sex without love is a sin?

Adelaide: If it is, I’ll see you in hell.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Adelaide: My dad is calling… hi Dad.

Toby: Come on guys, stop. She's trying to talk to her dad.

Colt: *loud fake sexual noises*

Mona: EVERYONE SHUT THE FUCK UP!

Logan: *is asleep*

Ximena: *gets really close to the phone* Tell him I said hi

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Colt: If I say I love you, will you say it back?

Adelaide: Yes.

Colt: I love you.

Adelaide: It back.

*Later*

Logan: Why is Colt crying face-down on the floor?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Colt: I think I'm falling for you.

Adelaide: Then get up.

With Every Heartbeat

Sage: My dad died when I was little so whenever someone jokes about fucking my mom I’ll pretend to be really sincere and say some shit like “Glad to see she’s moving on, my dad’s death hit her pretty hard.” Then watch them absolutely fumble trying to figure out a response to that statement.

Sage: Update, she got a new partner I can no longer make the joke.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dakota: Sage, you do remember when we agreed we were better off as friends, right?

Sage, naked in Dakota's bed: No, I absolutely do not.

Dakota, already taking off his clothes: Fuck… Me neither.

Bloodbound

Kamilah: What did Jasmine do this time?

Lily: More like WHO did Jasmine do this time?

Dirty Little Secrets

Peg: Isn’t it weird that we can’t ride any other animal except horses? Like, if horses weren’t a thing, humans would be fucked cause we couldn’t ride any other animals. Like, riding animals wouldn’t really be a thing. We should probably be more grateful to horses.

Alyssa: Elephants.

Peg: Blocked.

Sadie: Camels.

Peg: Extra blocked.

Allison: Donkeys.

Peg: Ultra blocked.

Dick: That dick.

Peg: ...Followed.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dick: Relationships should be 50/50. Peg cooks us dinner while I sit on the kitchen counter looking pretty.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dick: We’re getting married, bitches!

Peg: And we're about to make it everybody else's problem.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Sadie: Oh look who got laid last night.

Dick: That’s right chumps, missionary accomplished!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dick: I'm gonna have the chicken breasts!

Sadie, snickering: Yeah, eat what you lack.

Dick, deadpanning at Sadie: Then maybe I should order brains on delivery for you.

Shipwrecked

Manu: Smart is attractive. Educate me on something I don't know!

Aoto: The mouth of a jellyfish is also an anus.

Manu: Stop.

(Yes I did just come up with my SW m!MC's name on a whim solely for the purpose of using this quote for them. Say hi to Aoto Aiuchi everybody :DDDD)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Aoto: If you bite it and you die, it's poisonous. If it bites you and you die, it's venomous.

Manu: What if it bites me and it dies?!

Aoto: Then you're poisonous. Jesus Christ, Manu, learn to listen.

Manu: What if it bites itself and I die?

Aoto: That's voodoo.

Manu: What if it bites me and someone else dies?

Aoto: That's correlation, not causation.

Manu: What if we bite each other and neither of us die?

Aoto: That's kinky.

Manu: Oh my god.

Endless Summer

Emilia: From now on we will be using code names.

Emilia: You can address me as Eagle One.

Emilia: Jake is “been there done that”.

Emilia: Raj is “currently doing that”.

Emilia: Craig is “it happened once in a dream”.

Emilia: Zahra is “if I had to pick a gal”.

Emilia: And Michelle is...

Emilia: Eagle Two

Michelle: Oh thank god.

America's Most Eligible

Jamie: I like your new pants!

Carson: Thanks, they were 50% off!

Jamie: I’d like them better if they were 100% off. *wink*

Carson: The store can’t just give away clothes for free.

Jamie: Thats’s… not what I meant.

Carson: That’s a terrible way to run a business, Jamie.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

MacKenzie: Truth or dare?

Jamie: Dare.

MacKenzie: I dare you to kiss the hottest person in the room.

Jamie: Hey Slater?

Slater, blushing: Yeah?

Jamie: Can you move? I'm trying to get to Carson.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Jamie: I asked Carson out.

Bianca: Oh, I’m sorry.

Jamie: Why?

Bianca: Well, I assume he said no.

Jamie: No, he said yes.

Bianca: Really? Then I’m sorry for him.

Murder At Homecoming

Tyler: It’s Christmas! Are you all in a Christmas mood?!

Donovan: Merry crisis.

Stevie: Jingle bells, jingle bells, single all the way.

Peggy: Hoe hoe hoe.

Tyler: Guys, please.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Peggy: Goodnight to the love of my life, Tyler, and fuck the rest of y'all.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Peggy: My future partner must be brave, strong, intelligent, successful and organized.

Tyler: *accidentally steps on a caterpillar, and then proceeds to drop to his knees and sob while apologizing profusely*

Peggy: That one. I want that one.

[herotome]

Special Informal Devlog

Hi-ho, Wudge here! Aaaa. I missed the update last week... as we crawl closer and closer to release, it's become harder for me to write devlogs. I'm making progress every single day, and that makes me so frustrated that it isn't done yet, you know? 😭 Something something curse of perfectionism...

Anyway.

I thought I'd try something a little different with this post by chronicling a specific screen I've worked very hard on, from start to finish!

(Pictured: a preview of where we're gonna end up)

It all began on... August 2021?! Yowza, two years ago! When I posted a poll on tumblr and on itch about how I should handle flirt indicators. The votes were split 50/50 between two popular options, and I was able to surmise that yall would really, really love an option to toggle between the two.

It didn't take me long to figure out how to implement the toggle itself.

The following year (September 2022), I came up with the idea of putting in an illustrated tutorial on how my flirt indication system works - after all, poll participants had told me that they loved the idea and had never seen it before in other games. I was on a treadmill at the time, so I quickly doodled the idea on my phone. It looks like this:

Then when I got home, I did a rough pen draft to solidify the idea...

I worked on the digital version over the next 2-3 weeks, and asked my friends for help with editing the text to ensure clarity.

.... Then I took a looong break from the infographic to, uh.... write, edit, playtest the game, draw expressions for Griffin CG, draw expressions for the landlord, work on a new Clammy Lady sprite, playtest the game again, make all the characters blink, make the first glowing animation for Jade's powers, code in Griffin's CG expressions, stress about paypal making changes in my country, do concept art for upcoming npcs, write some more, playtest some more, draw a birthday picture for Dart, write devlogs every single week, make sure all my files were safely transferred to my new laptop before my old one completely died... etc.

So it was February 2023 by the time I came back around to try implementing the infographic in code :')

... It was functional, but no matter what I tried, I didn't like how it looked with everything crammed into one page.

... Then I got really sick... but after I recovered and did some more work (drawing, writing, playtesting, etc) I came back to the infographic with the intention to learn how to code pages in renpy.

Still didn't look phenomenal, but there's a whole lot more breathing room! This was in April 2023.

I took another "break" (worked on a million other things) and then... FINALLY... in late August 2023, just a few weeks ago, I had an art breakthrough!

I had garnered a better understanding of color and poses, and as a result my chibis became a LOT cuter! I was able to redraw most of them without too much hassle - whereas when I first started, it would take me all day to draw a single one.

I also drew custom heart icons (a plain heart, a golden heart, and a broken heart), figured out how to make text buttons look more fun and intuitive..

And here's where we're at now!!! I still need to draw eyes for Dart.... but I researched and absorbed a lot about screen compositions, and had a rather late realization that I could re-use backgrounds and assets I already have in the game.

That's it for the special edition. I'll update with more soon!

Stay safe and keep warm,

Wudge.

[curseoftheeel]

KLAK. Hello everyone, I wanted to call this page "The Bite of 2024," but no one got bit. I hope you're all doing well, this has been a long week for me but I got this page and the next page done which feels awesome! I'm working on a bunch of different things at the moment, hopefully I won't drop the ball on them, riding too many horses with one butt.

Also! If you're enjoying Curse of the Eel, please consider contributing to my Patreon! Times is hard, and I'm currently adjusting to the added bills that my vehicle swap has incurred, and yowza. Even if you can only contribute a dollar per month, every little bit helps me make ends meet and keep these pages coming. I'm also uploading exclusive content to the Patreon that doesn't get posted anywhere, so if you want to learn more about Curse of the Eel, my world building, and a bunch of comic making techniques, please take a look!

Thank you for reading everyone! Have a great weekend!

[totaldramafan-lauri]

Okay. OKAY. Okay. Ms. Lauri… do I have some WORDS for YOU!!

First of all: I LOVED CHAPTER 10!!!

Smoked Cheese Cookie… I’ve got mixed feelings on the guy!!! Always have. The way you write him is must *mwah 👌* excellent! He feels so in-character!

Things have been rocky between him and Reader… but the ending of this chapter gives me hope that they might be able to live on more amicable terms. He wants us to return and prove him wrong! He even gave us our weapons back :’)!! (He’s expressing that he cares… even if it’s only a teensy weensy bit!!)

And our dear Reader. Their anxieties during the first third of the chapter were so real and understandable. The way they jumped to conclusions regarding Golden Cheese’s recent absences is EXACTLY how I would have reacted/felt as well. I’m glad that we were shown otherwise by Her Radiance herself…

MOZZARELLA SAYING THAT THE ROLE OF ‘CONSORT’ SUITS US… I WANTED TO DIE OF EMBARRASSMENT. How much does she know… HOW MUCJ DOES SHE KNOWW!!! 😭😭 And then Burnt Cheese… GOOODDD. I WAS SO EMBARRASSED. I WANTED TO DIIIEE. But I’m glad that Reader chose to ask him instead of Her Radiance because… that would have killed me forreal. (I can can imagine how amused she would be if we ever asked… she’d probably laugh too, like Mozzarella did… I would not survive.)

And now, my favorite part of the chapter: The fondue springs scene.

When we walked by and we saw Golden Cheese with her two servants… ough. I immediately felt like we were intruding. And… I was… perhaps… perchance… a little… jealous….

My heart leapt to my THROAT when she called out to us and asked us to join them. I felt so CONFLICTEDDD. I oh so desperately wanted to join her, but I also didn’t want to see the servants touching her so… tenderly 😔

I wasn’t sure what I was expecting of Her Radiance in that situation, but I was (pleasantly) surprised when she was so openly affectionate with us!! It almost felt like she was showing us off ><..

I also wonder what she was thinking in that moment… she probably sensed our yearning but did she also sense our envy? Our insecurity?

(Might be a stretch, but I almost felt as if she was trying to warm us up to the idea of being around servants… mayhaps to get us used to it for the long term; easing us into a new lifestyle. Is she planning to bring us around more? I wonder if Mozzarella’s suggestion of ‘consort’ holds any weight to it…)

Also, when the servants asked if we wanted to watch them preen Her Radiance’s wings… I yelled at the screen!! YES!!! I WANT TO!!!

I hope we learn how to do it ourselves eventually!!! I’d love to be able to tend to her like that.

And of course, the ending of the chapter. I was incredibly sad that we had to leave again :’( But Reader is so courageous for volunteering to guide the messenger back to their kingdom!! No one else could have suited the job better, honestly. Her Radiance has faith in us as well, so I’m sure that it will all go smoothly! (Unless you have other plans in store for us…)

With that we are coming to our last chapter! I’m as excited as I am sad… it’s bittersweet to see a good thing come to an end. You’ve written a wonderful fic, Lauri!! And I wish you luck in sticking the landing!!! I’m also looking forward to that trivia chapter :]c

Thank you for writing this amazing story!

— 🐝

H-holy CRAP, bee anon....Hi to you, too! XD I-it's been a while....I was curious how you felt, but.....y-yowza.....! Putting it all out there at once, huh....?

I'm glad that someone enjoyed Mozzarella's consort troll.....w-well, maybe "enjoyed" isn't the right word, if you felt so much secondhand embarrassment? B-but, that also counts as it doing it's job, pffff....I-it was also supposed to be funny, but that works too, especially if you've been in similar situations....Y'know, not knowing what something means, asking about it, and shame ensues when it hits you what it is.....Hey, it happens....! XD

As for how much Mozzarella knows.....well, she hasn't spelled it out to Reader in-universe, but I still tried to make it obvious in the last two chapters, uh.....Y-yeah, she knows about their crush. She's known for a whiiiiiiile, at that. X//////D Which is part of why she said she cheered when she learned they became part of the kingdom, like.....she knew it was gonna happen, so it was a "FINALLY" moment for her. XD Yeah, she's been subtley pushing them to learn about how they feel for quite a while, so maybe, if you ever reread the old chapters, you'll be able to pick up on the hints. Mozzarella is a subtle character who keeps a lot of what she thinks about a mystery, but also.....y'know, she was definitely trying at multiple points to make things easier for them.....and she mostly failed cuz of how much they hid that part of themselves XD

Th-the springs scene.....hnnnnn....I-I have a fun fact about that scene that I'm saving for the trivia page, but....in short: I adore how that scene turned out. It's probably my second-fav part of the chapter (with my fav being the short scene of Reader begging) >//////> R-Reader at first hates the idea of having to speak about their relationship to others (explaining it to Burnt Cheese nearly killed them, haha), only for Golden Cheese to tell them they don't have to say anything, and she'll take care of it all....because no one can stop her.....There's nothing to be afraid of....s-so, all they have to do is focus on her....and it makes them feel a lot better about being seen in public.....I-I dunno how well it comes across, but for me, I-I'm proud of how I did it....p-partly because I like the idea....I-I feel like relationships with her would be like that....B-being shown off....l-like that.....to her servants.....wh-while she does all the talking, and.....y-yeah.....I-I'm rambling, s-sorry......>//////< (Y-you can't tell me she WOULDN'T, say...slam you a-against a wall in public view of others in the palace w-without any shame at all, c'mon- Sh-she's in charge, sh-she does what she wants-)

I-I'm also glad that you find Reader relatable still....They're basically their own character now, with their own arc, but I-I still wanna make them feel like they could be any of us, y-y'know...? Whenever they feel insecure and overthink things to try to make sense of them, that's basically me putting myself into them.....XD

B-but yeah, th-thanks for sharing your thoughts with me....! I-I'll try my best to get the next chapter done soon-ish, but I JUST started it, so I make no promises yet...S-sorry for the cliffhanger, but feel free to speculate how you think the story will end, I guess....? L-like, to yourself, not to me, cuz I'm not gonna say anything~ ^^

(I-I like the idea of touching/grooming her wings, too....b-but sh-she'd absolutely scold me if I did it the wrong way, so....h.tjtresghejrjhdds......t-terrifying at the same time....X///////D)

[papaziggy-devblog]

Cursed huh? *cracks knuckles*

Harper is making sweet love to Cara Mia, just going to pound town, leaning in to breathe in your scent, licking the nape of your neck with that long tongue of his. Cara Mia and Harper are reaching their climax, and as Harper cums, filling Cara Mia up with his seed, he pulls out, smiling down at his beloved.

But something is wrong. He can feel it. Quite literally. Something is MOVING down there between them, and Harper looks down. The cum, both of theirs, it's writhing with the movement of hundreds, thousands, a small, white spiderlings.

Harper's heart dropped to his stomach, his once hardened dick now completely flaccid, he about screamed in horror, looking back to the face of his Cara Mia. It wasn't theirs.

It was Gavin's.

"Cowwabunga dude, you really got me tangled in your web! Yowza!"

[sichore]

3 with Jimi and Pickles!

[3. Holding hands during a tense moment]

“Yes, Miss Calabash – what exactly is the nature of your relationship to Dethklok?”

Jimi's forced smile stays put, but she does blink in confusion. Pickles gives a mild lift of a pierced brow to the reporter, taking another long swig of his whiskey.

“Well,” Jimi chuckles nervously. “As we're establishing here, since I've been working with the band for a few years now, they decided to make me the creative director of –”

“Yes, yes, that's all well and good. We know. However, surely you've heard the rumors regarding your continued presence around Dethklok, who are only known to keep women around for one thing only. And women like you, in particular, aren't exactly a common sight in the death metal scene.”

A deep rush of murmurs rises from the crowd and Pickles’ goes rigid, his hand clenching his glass.

There's a screech of interface as Nathan grabs his mic, probably pulling it too much. “Hey asshole, in case you haven't noticed, Jimi's been the one behind all our sick new designs, and there is no one more qualified to –”

“That's enough, Nate.” Pickles doesn't have to speak too loudly. Just sharp enough for Nathan to catch his tone and the pointed slide of his eyes.

Nathan huffs and settles back down in his seat.

Jimi sits still, precious brown eyes widened in panic, in anger. Pickles feels their anxiety rolling through him in sharp rings, unsure of whether to stay quiet, stay calm, or fight.

He reaches over beneath the conference table to take their hand, lacing their fingers together until he presses fully against their damp palm. Reassurance rolls off him like mountain mist, velvety and red, and soon, he feels Jimi's response. A spark of luminescence, flickering as candlelight, and steadying into a flame.

Jimi takes a deep breath and lowers their shoulders. “I know I'm not the kind of face you see when it comes to death metal – which is why Dethklok made me the lead of their creative team. You've seen my work. You know I'm legit. So maybe you should show some respect to the only person who can turn Dethklok's vision into something you can hold.”

“Oooh, yowza!”

“Haha, gots ‘em!”

Some laughter and faint cheers bubble from the crowd as Murderface and Toki cheer Jimi on. Pickles’ smirk grows as Jimi squeezes his hand and leans back in their chair, shrugging.

“As for the rumors… Well, shit. Wouldn't you take advantage of company benefits?” And at that, the crowd erupts into a joyous roar.

[Soft OTP Prompts]

[anitabyars]

Description

A standalone age-gap, dad's best friend's hockey romance.

There’s no one more off limits than my best friend’s daughter.

Peggy Aurora Hammerstein. The Toronto Terror’s unofficial team princess. I would never do anything to mess with our team dynamics this late into the hockey season, but seeing her work in the front office changed something for me.

I see her as she is now: a powerful woman with ambition for miles.

When I hold her against me, she fits perfectly.

Her little flirts and taunts push my buttons, if she doesn’t stop–my control just might break.

But I can never cross that line. I can never know what it could be to call her mine.

I’ve never wanted anyone more than Aurora and no one can ever know.

*This is Hollis Hendrix's standalone novel. If you want to meet Hollis before you read this book, check out If You Hate Me, Rix and Tristan's story.

EXCERPT

Malone hops onto the nightstand, and something clatters to the floor. He yowls and bounces like he has springs in his feet, tail poofed out as he races out of the room.

“What’s got you so freaked out?” I frown as I bend to pick up the object. “The hell?”

It takes several seconds for me to process what I’m holding. And when it finally clicks, my brain almost liquifies. I’m holding a superhero vibrator. More specifically, I’m holding Peggy’s superhero vibrator. It can’t belong to anyone else because aside from her dad, she’s the only person with access to my penthouse. And she’s the only woman who’s been here in a long, long time, apart from my younger sister and my niece.

So many questions arise. So fucking many questions.

Like why the hell is her vibrator in my goddamn bedroom? On my nightstand.

My mouth goes dry as I stare at my bed with the two cat-shaped dents near the pillows. Then I glance across the room at one of the two kitty cams I set up but didn’t monitor while I was away. I forgot to even mention they were there.

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

Did she get herself off in my bed? Why would she get herself off in my bed?

My Review

5 ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

Loved, loved this well written, witty, flirty, steamy, passionate, emotional, age gap, father’s best friend romance. I was hooked from the very beginning with these fantastic characters whose story pulled me in and didn’t let me go until long after I read the last page. This is a fabulous addition to The Toronto Terror Series. So if you love a great sports romance this is the book for you!!

This is Hollis Hendrix and Aurora (Peggy/Hammer) Hammerstein’s story and what a story it is.

“You look like every sin I want to commit, Princess. So, yeah, I acted without thinking.”

I loved this so much because I could feel their frustrations, their longing, their fear, their desire. And their echoing agony as they struggle to do the right thing! As they fight their attraction.

I fell hard and fast for Hollis! And Hammer who wouldn’t want this smart, beautiful, caring, strong woman in their corner for life?

But my favorite part is the tension, the desire, and the passion these two find together! Yowza!!!

I giggled, I swooned, I squirmed, and I fell in love with this beautifully written story. You don’t want to miss this one!

I received an early copy and this is my honest review.

[mmorpg-escapism]

It's time for dungeon number 2! Once again, placing the dungeon rant/review under a cut for folks who would rather skip that (and it's gonna be long, too).

Immediately, my thought is "oh my god look at the pretty purple". FFXIV's level design team has once again hit a grand slam. We're so high up that surreal things on the cliffside seem very at home.

I'll admit, my first thought at the sight of boss 1 was "is that a frosmoth?" because the design is similar. It's not exactly right, though Ryoqor Terteh is a snow spirit. The mechanics for this boss were really cool, if you'll pardon the pun. Summoned minions that get frozen to change the order of the AoEs? Snowball tosses? Definitely kept me on my toes and made me VERY appreciative of the fact that I'm not playing a caster right now.

Huh. Zoraal Ja is in here. We can't fight him (yet?) but he's here... and now we're above the cloudline. Those little crystal... elevator? things pack a punch for getting us around.

Boss 2 is the crystal bird thing we ran into right before the dungeon, Kahderyor. This one's gimmick is crystal shards all over the arena that resolve into fairly large aoes, plus donuts on every player's (or NPC's) head that they need to stack together so that no one gets hit. There was also a crystal trap thing that we had to break out, reminiscent of boss 2 in Dohn Mheg. This fight took me a couple tries... Worked out in the end. Onward and upward!

...I don't think even the Sea of Clouds gets this high up! Yowza! I'm gonna have to come back in explore mode and take ALL the screenshots.

Oh! Our final boss here? Is the elector. Looks like we're the first ones up to him? I don't see Zoraal or Koana here. The High Luminary is *massive* - he towers over every other Yok Hoy we've seen so far. He's got three "runes" that he slams on the ground - one's an arena wide push in one direction (water), one's a series of slamming AoEs (earth), and the last is a center push to the edges that also spawns tornadoes that wander the map before the push fires again (wind). There's also an "eat the orbs" phase before a big AoE - gotta keep him from getting more than about two damage up buffs from them or you're dead.

But he's down! Now, keystone?

[velvethopewrites]

Thanks for the tag @casdeans-pie 🥰

1) How many works do you have on AO3?

14. But I deleted quite a bit and one is just one long continuation of stuff from the early days of me writing (over 103,000+ words). Each chapter is a different story. So there’s a bit more than just 14.

2) What is your total AO3 word count?

1,450,786 — see? Told ya, (lol) damn that’s a lot

3) What fandoms do you write for?

For the longest time, it was just Harry Potter but then I sort of…stopped doing that. My frustrations with JKR and my overall fandom experience was depressing. It sort of burned me out on writing fic, to be honest. I only have one tiny little Supernatural fic on my Ao3, even though I have done short stories and drabbles here on tumblr for it. Baby steps, I suppose.

4) What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

1) Moments to Come

2) Loving Is A Journey

3) Moving the Goalposts

4) In Essence: Undivided

5) 17, Clumsy & Shy

None of them have very many kudos, to be honest. My subset of HP writing was always on the less popular end for AO3 - neither a terribly popular pairing nor a slash pairing. The pairing of H/G has always had a better time on fanfiction.net for some reason. Who knows why.

5) Do you respond to comments? Why or Why not?

Of course! Unless they’re mean ones. But I used to do that too before I learned my lesson. I love interacting with people who have read my stuff - that’s why I post, I think. Alas, I don’t think anyone much cares anymore. 🤷🏼‍♀️

6) What’s the fic you wrote with the angtiest ending?

Hmm. I don’t really do angst. I mean, within the story I do - it’s not all fluffy clouds and happy smiles 24/7 but I always end (or try to) with a happy ending. And if that isn’t possible, then I end on a positive note or feeling. So in that regard, the story that ends on sort of downer note is probably In Essence. Characters die, people get lost, etc.

7) What fic has the happiest ending?

Probably Moving the Goalposts. It was a fun story and ended in lots of sex. LOL

8) Do you get hate on fics?

Yeah, I do. I have. I did. It royally sucks.

9) Do you write smut? If so, what kind?

I was once known as the Queen of Smut in the HP world. So yeah. Not sure by what you mean by “what kind”, but I’ve written almost everything. Threesomes, bondage, costumes, M/M, F/M, FMM, etc. Never really wrote Dom/Sub stuff although I had characters flirt with it. One of my stories is actually two people learning how to do it by reading a sex manual, lol, (god can I cringe at my younger self?!) so yeah. I’ve written a lot. A LOT.

10) Do you write crossovers?

Not really. I like to read them occasionally but it never appealed to me enough to try writing one. I got enough problems with one world. Hah

11) Have you ever had a fic stolen?

Not to my knowledge.

12) Have you ever had a fic translated?

Yes. Quite a few people asked for 17, Clumsy and Shy to be translated. Russian, French, German and Japanese, if you can believe it. I ran across one a few years back which really threw me b/c honestly—my smut? In Japanese?! Yowza.

13) Have you ever co-written a fic before?

No. I am not sure how that even works, to be honest. I am such a slacker and write at such crazy times, I’m afraid the other person would have to have the patience of a saint to put up with me.

14) What is your all time favorite ship?

I can’t choose just one. There are some I love that I’ve never written and some I have and then there’s destiel, which is my current form of brain rot (for the last two years or so).

15) What’s a WIP you want to finish but doubt you ever will?

All of them. 😭 But probably Crossroads. It was supposed to be the last part of my trilogy (that started with 17, Clumsy & Shy) but I doubt I’ll ever touch it again. Still, never say never, I suppose. I would like to finish one of my many destiel WIPs I have, but I doubt that’ll happen either. I suck, what can I say.

16) What are your writing strengths?

I’m good at dialogue. I’m good at plot. I give great sexy times, apparently.

17) What are your weaknesses?

Follow through. Finishing stuff. Not getting discouraged. Run-on sentences sometimes. Total lack of faith in myself as a storyteller. You know, the usual.

18) Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language for a fic-

I’ve totally done it before and it’s fun - but nothing that went on for long. I mostly always pick french since I know my way around les phrases.

19) First fandom you wrote for?

Harry Potter. Back in good old 2004.

20) Favorite fic you’ve written?

I have a soft spot for Crossroads, even though no one else liked it. Also, I stand by my decision to turn my OTP into an OT3, with In Essence: Undivided. I feel as though I was ostracized and rejected because of it, but c’est la vie. It is what it is and my story went from two people loving each other to three people loving each other and sometimes life is like that. I never set out to write a polyamorous fic (indeed when I started the story I barely had any idea what that even was) but the muse wants what the muse wants. And I poured my heart into Essence and it is still some of the best writing I’ve ever done and I know it. And I guess that grants me a bit of peace, in the end.

Wow. That was….intense. lol I tag @amaranthhiding and @bloodydeanwinchester and @startanewdream but no pressure!!

[kwiiwi1]

YOWZA WHATS GOOD, HAVE LIKE A SEMI-THOUGHT

I've only told one bro about this, shot to them, BUT ANYWAYS

so like this was ages ago, I was hanging out with a friend and we went to go watch a movie yeah, n my bro were sitting in the middle of the cinema, near the edge

ok lemme try set the scene or whatever, lighting is dim to none, giant fucking screen ofc ofc and the seats are like these plush as leather ones except they don't feel like leather, v squishy n comfy fr fr

and like throught the entire movie I was like..

what if a bro got all gassy from the giant amounts of popcorn n drinks n movie snacks they were eating, and they like..

subtly rip ass into the chairs...

like 🫦🫦🫦🫦🫦 like 😳😳😳😳😳😳

leaning to the side or pressing their ass against the plush chair before farting, such a nice surface for farts to rumble out against + muffles it nicely ueu 😫😫😫😫😫

easing out a long silent fart that warms up their butt before sitting back down and sighing in relief 😮‍💨😮‍💨😮‍💨😮‍💨😮‍💨

maybe they have to time their farts with any loud explosions or noises in the movie in case their farts are loud ueu 🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰

the movie cinemas dark enough for them to do whatever they like, and if they're in a side/corner seat, they get the extra bonus of hiding from everyone

so like.. someone rubbing their tummy to get the gas out yknow yknow 🥴🥴🥴🥴🥴

idk maybe they went to the movies with friend, and like halfway thru the movie their friend picked up on the bros distress, so they offer to help thru tummy rubs and praise mmmmmm 🤤🤤🤤🤤🤤

uff think about the stench of their gas filling up the theater

omfg their pants and the poor chair too hrnagehanen 🛐🛐🛐🛐🛐

so stinky n sweaty n muggy, but no one will knows its them hrbahdhandn (well besides them ofc but ya)

(teehee unrelated but imagine farting into someone's popcorn, then eating said popcorn 😵‍💫😵‍💫😵‍💫😵‍💫😵‍💫)

[blobracing]

Han Solo at Stars’ End, by Brian Daley

Featuring the Quintessential Jerk With a Heart Of Gold, Chewie highjacking a combine, and a literal cat girl.

I’ve taken to skimming Goodreads before I read the next book on the list, usually to try and pluck out something relevant or funny to use as a teaser for the next post– listen to me talk like I’ve been doing this for sooooo long– and that made me a bit nervous about Stars’ End. The resounding and repeating sentiment was basically Now THIS is Han Solo! and perhaps uncharitably and due to the time we live in, that makes me antsy. It’s taxonomically close to I Remember When Men Were Men or Star Wars Used To Be Good Before The Wokeists Got It. Stars’ End isn’t perfect, but it isn’t that, and when I let my guard down, I honestly had a good time with this classic adventure romp. 

Coming up: world’s fastest plot summary, what I liked about it, and, just, you know, the vibes. We're just gonna meander.

So, as quickly as possible:

Han and Chewie are running amok in the Corporate Sector, a corner of the galaxy where the Imperial presence and Rebellion hasn’t reached, and local law is enforced by essentially a corprostate called the Corporate Authority. In return for some ship repairs and upgrades, the lads take on a deal to transport some passengers from one Corporate World to another, and along the way become involved with finding out why some bothersome citizens seem to be mysteriously disappearing. Chewie is captured during the process and so Han leads his allies to infiltrate and then destroy the prison planet where Chewie and all the spirited-away people have been held.

There’s a lot more going on in this book than Splinter of the Mind's Eye, so I’ll leave most of the plot summary to Wookieepedia, as per the usj– although I would say this is a pretty quick and easy read.

So, given that there are a lot of similar constraints on Stars’ End as Splinter– limited canon character use and availability, had to be set outside the plot (not totally applicable to Splinter, as it was originally ordered as a potential sequel to Star Wars [fuckin yowza]), relies a lot on original creation– Stars’ End is better. 

CHARACTERIZATION’S OKAY?

Yeah! I’d say pretty good, actually. 

Prose-wise, there’s something a little silly going on with the vocabulary that makes it feel more charming than annoying (thermocline, dipsomaniacal, insuperable) and Han’s dialogue and narrative voice is OOZING with Coolguy Spacebro. It dips into goofiness now and again– there’s definitely a sense of yeah, Harrison Ford could probably make this work that I respect in terms of characterizing Han, but sometimes you just gotta laugh. Picture Harrison Ford, your gruff, weed-dealing carpenter, getting out something like this:

“An Authority Data Center?” Han exploded. “And how do I get into a place like that? It’ll look like the Espos’ Annual Picnic and Grand Reunion. Listen, toots, I want that stuff from you, but I want to live to a ripe old age, too; I plan to sit in a rocker at the Old Spaceman’s Home, and what you’re suggesting will definitely exclude that option.”

(Immediately obsessed with the implication of the Old Spaceman’s Home. This is not the last time he mentions it, either. Where is this Disney+ miniseries.)

This is definitely not the last time I’m going to opine on what makes a successful Star Wars characterization? because so often that’s the thing that will pull me out of a tie-in novel or fic. To me, the gold standard of characterization is being able to slow down and feel instinctively that dialogue and behavior suit how a character is portrayed in the movies. Characters that don’t appear in the movies at all, or who do but don’t get a lot of attention, face a double-edged sword: they’ve got to be interesting enough to kind of generate their own force of personality, but they’ve also got to feel authentic to the setting.

That’s especially true where we are in terms of Star Wars novels– we have ANH’s Han to go on, and go through Stars’ End knowing that’s who we’re going to meet at the end of it. There are constant references to how much he doesn’t want to get involved with any causes, he’s looking out for number one, goddammit! There are more than a few moments where Han’s cynicism is pointed out or appealed to by characters in a way that ranges from hamfisted to Oh Man That Droid Just Read You To Filth, but I don’t necessarily think it needs to be subtle– Han’s not a subtle guy, after all. 

I’m worried that point might get a bit long in the tooth knowing there are two more Han Solo Adventures before ANH, and Han is essentially stuck in the same role, the same moment of his life before tipping over into throwing his lot in with the Rebels. By the same token, it does retroactively add a little flavor to that moment when he shows up at the first Death Star battle, knowing how hard he fought against his better nature before giving it all up for Luke’s big blue eyes the Rebellion. 

AND THE SUPPORTING CAST?

It feels fucked up that I’m including Chewbacca as a “supporting” cast member, but the man’s not getting any dialogue and doesn’t do much beyond act as a living sounding board for Han to exposit off of. His main move is getting captured by the bad guys and Han just about gets himself killed trying to save him, and the intensity of that relationship is always really fascinating when played out. Also, Chewie being a damsel in distress is cute. 

A lot of the other supporting characters feel very stock, like a fiery woman leader of an outgunned rebel faction (Jessa, leader of the outlaw mechanics who buck the man), or evil patrician badguy who loves droid bloodsport (we’re still saying ’droid in the text, somehow)-- but a couple of notable exceptions.

Bollux is a Goodreads fan favorite, an old droid who has a counterpart with a “younger” droid who lives inside him, Blue Max. Bollux grows on everyone who meets him– even me… he’s just a good guy…– and Max is essentially a portable plot-solver who can do whatever’s needed at the time. 

Rekkon is an extremely capable university teacher-turned-investigator who leads the cause to try and find where the Corporate Authority Guys are stashing the people they’ve stolen. He’s jovial, Han likes him almost immediately and respects him about as much as Han respects anybody who isn’t Chewie, and demonstrates a confidence and self-assuredness that I found really refreshing in a book where a lot of people just seem to defer to Han to move the plot. Rekkon is also Black, the only other Black character in the novel besides his missing nephew, and he does also get murdered by a traitor among the party in the second act and his body is dropped out the airlock. It’s really a “oh, nice!” to “oh… nice :/” thing that feels emblematic of Star Wars’ relationship with Black characters, even in these early days. A bizarre mirror is Star Wars’ relationship with the Black Hollywood executive who championed its original release, Ashley Boone Jr. 

As always, Rekkon’s death is an important motivating factor for Han, and he even gives Han the means to figuring out who the traitor is among the party, but his body is still very much dropped out a fucking airlock.

There’s a lot to talk about there, and I’m not sure I’m qualified to talk about it. But I noted it, and I noted myself noting it.

To brighten your spirits, I bring you the other two interesting characters left in the party: Atuarre and her son, Pakka, who are the only aliens that matter besides Chewie. They're Trianii– CAT PEOPLE THAT’S RIGHT WE GOT A FURRY MILF YEAHAHAHA BABY LET’S GOOOOOO MEOWOW!!!!!!! Star Wars actually has a ton of cat people variants. Despite being a trained warrior and pilot, she ends up pretending to be a dancer and leader of an entertainer troupe– Han’s idea.

WAIT, WHAT

Yeah– Han gets really excited about dressing everyone up as a circus troupe in order to infiltrate Stars’ End, to replace a troupe that couldn’t make it. Pakka, Atuarre’s traumatized-by-the-Authority-to-silence son is an acrobat, Atuarre is the troupe’s leader and skilled in the “dances of her people,” Bollux gets a paint job, and Han poses as a sharpshooter. I cannot emphasize enough how excited Han is by this idea. The word “exhilarated” is used. I’m now integrating this into my view of him as a character– between this and dressing up as a stormtrooper to get around the Death Star, Han Solo lives for the theater. The deception… the prestige. The making of props and wearing of capes. 

LOWKEY KINDA SOUNDS FUN…

Yeah! That’s how I’d characterize Stars’ End– fun. Not really breaking any molds or blowing my tits clean off, but certainly a step up from Splinter of the Mind’s Eye in… every conceivable way, likely. It still suffers from some tired genre conventions, and as always your own mileage may vary, but it’s a very readable adventure story that’s just cheesy enough to not take itself completely seriously. 

BEFORE YOU GO:

Bollux is described as having been programmed with sewing and “necessary skills” while serving under a regimental commander in the Clone Wars. Obviously at the time of writing there was no way Daley was told that commanders in the Clone Wars were traditionally Jedi, so for me today it calls forth the image of Obi-Wan having a droid on hand specifically to tailor the cloaks that he throws away on every mission. 

Hours are referred to as ‘Standard time parts,’ implying some galactic agreement on measurement. As an American, this is outside my ability to conceptualize. 

Stars’ End also contains our first detailed dogfight, and introduces the Headhunter starfighter, which is kind of the X-Wing’s homely older sibling. I’ve been imagining an entirely different shape all my life. Bah oui… 

NEXT TIME

Han Solo’s Revenge, by Brian Daley

[janeykath318]

The Power Of A Smile (shieldshock)

Prompt: “Quit smiling at me! I keep messing up my sentences when you smile at me like that.”

Darcy had always thought of Captain America as being a super serious, judgmental jock with little to no sense of humor. He came across as rather uptight in all the media coverage and interviews she’d seen and the stories Tony told her about Steve and his supposed stick up the ass didn’t help her perception of him.

So, she was a little surprised when she toured the Smithsonian and saw the vintage video clip of him smiling and laughing with the Howling Commandoes.

“So he could smile eighty years ago,” she mused aloud. “I won’t lie. It’s pretty darn cute. I wonder what it would take to get him to smile nowadays. Maybe recite the pledge of allegiance while standing on my head?” She snorted at the thought. “Not that I’ll get to make that discovery.”

Turns out, Darcy was very much proven wrong.

She moved into Avengers tower with Jane two months later and in all the chaos and excitement, almost forgot that she was gonna be working near her heroes (and sorta heroes).

They were in the middle of setting up Jane’s equipment when Darcy stepped out for an emergency snack and coffee run. When She returned, she heard a deep voice talking to Jane.

“Where would you like it, Dr. Foster?”

She couldn’t quite hear Jane’s reply, but when she walked in, Captain America was calmly moving the heaviest machine as if it weighed nothing. Darcy couldn’t help but stare.

“Holy beefcake!! Jane, you called in the big guns. And by big guns, I mean those biceps. Yowza!”

Jane winced. Darcy did too, cringing at her terrible lack of filter. She braced herself for an annoyed look or long suffering sigh from Steve, but his shoulders seemed to shake a little and when he turned back around, he was straight up grinning.

“Steve, this is my assistant, Darcy Lewis. Darcy, meet Steve Rogers.”

Jane’s look at Steve was apologetic, but Steve just stuck out one giant hand and shook Darcy’s, still smiling.

“Pleased to meet you, Ms. Lewis.” He said, not at all sounding irritated or uptight.

Darcy’s brain went into buffering mode and she found speaking difficult all of a sudden.

“Uh-uh-uh. Same,” she finally managed. “Thanks for the help. Wanna share some snacks?”

“Thanks, but I’ve got a long, boring meeting to get to,” Steve told her. “If you need any more help, don’t hesitate to ask.”

“We won’t,” Jane answered for her. “See ya around, Steve.”

When he’d gone, she turned to Darcy and sighed.

“Please try to work on your filter, Darcy. I don’t mind it when we’re alone, but we’re new here and the bosses might not understand. We’re lucky Steve has such a good sense of humor.”

“Yeah, Whodathunkit?” Darcy murmured, ripping open a Snickers bar. She was still stunned. Had Tony fed her bad intel?

As she came to find out, he had indeed been inaccurate in his description of Steve, at least when it came to off duty Steve.

This Steve was pretty chill and friendly and had a very funny dry sense of humor. Also, he was definitely not a prude. In fact, he’d straight up join in on the rather inappropriate conversations she and Clint had about their favorite fictional character’s sexual proclivities.

“You’re bad, Cap,” she said in amazement during one such conversation. “Tony said you wrinkle your nose when anyone makes so much as an innuendo.”

“When he’s making them, I do.” Steve shrugged. “If he drew incorrect assumptions, that’s on him. And anyway, who really wants to talk to Tony about sex?”

“You have a point there,” Darcy admitted with a shudder. Steve grinned at her and again she was promptly struck dumb.

Darcy, Jane, and Natasha were sipping drinks and chatting about Darcy’s latest failed date, another frustrating episode in her sad relationship story.

“He was one hundred percent Neanderthal. Incapable of taking his eyes off my boobs for one second. Why are men like this?” Darcy complained. “He was kinda cute at first, but I would have used my taser on him if I’d stuck around any longer than I did.”

“I’m sorry,” Natasha sympathized. “That is unfortunately an all too common occurrence. However, I do know of some genuinely good single men, if you are ever interested in trying again.”

Darcy sighed and shook her head. “I appreciate the offer, Nat, but I think I’ll just…..” Out of the corner of her eye, she saw Steve sidle up to the bar with Sam, both chatting pleasantly. Steve turned, drink in hand, and locked eyes with her, face lighting up in a big smile. Darcy’s heart skipped a beat and she stared back mesmerized.

Natasha had to poke her to get her attention back.

“Earth to Darcy!! What were you saying?”

Darcy struggled to get her scrambled brain back online.

“Uh, I was saying I think I’ll take a break from dating for awhile,” she finally managed, though her words lacked any conviction.

She didn’t see Natasha and Jane look behind them and smile knowingly at each other.

“Well, you let us know when you change your mind. I’ve got the perfect man in mind,” Natasha declared, looking much too pleased for Darcy’s liking.

Avengers tower had a new resident and Darcy had taken it upon herself to give Bucky the grand tour and help him feel welcome. He didn’t say much, but he didn’t seem uncomfortable with her, so she kept on with her cheerful commentating. It was going well until they reached the gym and Steve happened to be there. He was lifting weights and winked and grinned at Darcy, causing her to stumble to a halt and forget what she was sayin. Ugh. She’d had enough.

Marching over to Steve, she put her hands on her hips and glared.

“Quit smiling at me! I keep messing up my sentences when you smile at me like that!!”

Steve opted for non-compliance.

“I mean it Steve! If you don’t cut that out, I’m gonna kiss that stupidly pretty smile off of your stupidly pretty face!”

Steve set down his weights, but kept on smiling at her.

Not one to make idle threats, Darcy dragged one of the exercise steps over to him and used it as a step stool while she followed through on her promise. Steve didn’t even try to run, but responded very enthusiastically and she quickly gathered that he’d been hoping for this result.

She heard slow clapping from behind them and Bucky’s rusty chuckle.

“Hmm, it would appear this is what you wanted all along, huh?” She asked when she was able to catch her breath again.

“Yeah,” Steve admitted, with a sheepish smile.

“You could have said so,” she playfully chided. “I’ve been kinda pining.”

“Natasha said you weren’t ready to date again, so I decided to give you the space to make up your mind,” Steve explained. “But you make me smile so much, it was challenging.”

“Aww,” Darcy cooed. “Well, let me tell you, the smile campaign worked brilliantly. I can’t even think straight when you’re in the room.”

“Ditto,” Steve replied happily, then he kissed her again.

It was a good thing Darcy had opted against trying to memorize her wedding vows, because the way Steve was looking at her as she read them off the little card was making her a gooey mess inside and she knew she would have made a fool of herself if she didn’t have them written down.

Steve, who had eidetic memory, didn’t have to worry about that and got both of them choked up with his heartfelt words. He had the most earnest pair of puppy dog blue eyes and she knew he meant every word he said.

She’d given Tony a lot of grief over the years about his misleading description of Steve, and he’d finally admitted he’d been very wrong about his teammate. In fact, he’d gone and got himself ordained so he could officiate the ceremony. Darcy had agreed, but had given him strict guidelines, which he mostly followed, much to their relief.

“I now pronounce you Captain and Mrs. America—er—husband and wife. Have at it, Darcy!!”

Grinning widely, Darcy kissed her new husband so thoroughly that he was rendered speechless for a solid minute and a half after they broke apart.

“Finally, it’s my turn to make you lose your wits,” she declared triumphantly.