the-moon-at-zenith

[the-moon-at-zenith]

on the note of neurodivergency

i'm literally an impulsive mess with no sense of danger, and i may acknowledge consequences but do the shit anyways because of the above traits

i'm a blabber and the let's-do-this-cursed-thing person at the party who then hermits for half a year

i forget appointments and b-days bc on THE day it never occurs to me what day that is. i forget to eat or pee when i'm invested in the thing i'm doing. and yet when not in hyperfocus, a single distractor will send me out of the zone for hours

i get overwhelmed when too many ppl are speaking. i can't stand the buzz of lamps and live in the dusk of my bedroom. sometimes a feeling of fabric on my skin makes me wanna scream

i'm often clumsy as in have no spacial awareness and bump into things (poor proprioception duh). i have a flexible sense of self and am rebellious with the rules i don't get, e.g. i consider gender a scam (but respect gender identity)

i enjoy company in meticulously calculated doses, or i get burnt out

and i have an interest-based brain which makes most learning, time-management, and habit development "strategies" designed for importance-based brains literal trash for me

disabilities affect who we are and how we live

i am ADHDer and autistic bc these conditions literally make me who i am as a person

[in advance: thanks for your post, OP!]

[also i'm speaking of mental disabilities as these are the ones i can speak of from experience; still, i don't by any means nean to shut out ppl with physical disabilities from being able to identify with and relate to the statement]

speaking of mental diseases? (tw: suicidal thoughts, self-destructive behavior, eating disorder, addiction, self-harm; a hopeful ending though)

i'm a survivor and a fighter even when it looks like i'm lying down playing dead

when a friend of mine said “oh hey why are you identify yourself through depression? and is medication rly necessary? i took antidepressants for a while, got them from a friend, it was such a nice feeling, like being slightly high all the time," he stopped being my friend for not listening when i literally said "pills help me not wanna kill myself and i can shower once a week." they made your ass high because they weren't fucking meant for you, asshole

when i was depressed, i used to abuse substances, drink drink drink never eat or eat and then get bulimic and then drink spirits again, and engage in dangerous behaviors

i've learnt to cope better with it over the years because i was also a person who went to therapy bc if i could end it all at any given time, i could give pills and talk a try bc nothing rly mattered anymore and i'm in control now so why the fuck not

i'm the person who didn't (and still doesn't) jump, as my friend put it, i'm a depression survivor every time i have it

not to say that road wasn't (or isn't still) bumpy, i continued abusing alcohol and weed for a looong while alongside medicating bc that's what helped me stay afloat at the time when therapy wasn't available - until it didn't and i quit - with a whole row of relapses but still managed after all (i sure don't recomment using and drinking while on meds, everyone's bodies are different and someone's can react badly to such a mix; but you're not bad for not wanting or not being ready to quit, or for relapsing for that matter)

so when i'm depressed now i'm someone who acknowledges that while depressed, my brain straight-up lies to me. i still struggle with suicidal thoughts but i've learned to see them for what they are - chemicals disbalance and a shitty situation in my life which i somehow need to sort out so that my brain stops telling me that self-destruction is our only option; and pills (and talk, if available) are gonna give me that little boost to get through with the needed change or just to wait out the storm. and i get my overachieving ass a whole LOT of slack, lie down and nap a lot. that's what self-care looks like for me.

i also know that a depressed brain forgets 50-75% of the events that happen because the condition steals your memory (and with ADHD i already live in the present mostly bc past is vague and future isn't real) to the point where you forget not only the depressed period but what happiness had even felt like before so it seems surreal. so i remind myself that contentment and pleasure from doing things aren't made-up, i just forgot how they feel, and one day i'll feel them again

i'm also the person who's open abt all my conditions with ppl in my circles as i don't wanna ppl get offended bc of me not socializing for eternity cause i don't have energy/ hybernate/ count my spoons. and when i do speak abt it, i don't educate ppl anymore bc it's taxing for me. educate yourself if you feel that you still wanna be invested in our friendship, i'm not doing that extra work for ya

i'm even open abt my depression at work (i have this privilege) so i asked for reduction of my office days and work from home most of the week. i've learnt to ask for accomodations

so i'm a recurrently depressed person too, which means that yeah, i'm a survivor and a fighter - and it's important for me to keep these parts of my identity in mind esp when i'm down

i'm down but not defeated, so i will lie down for as long as it takes (a month, a year, whatever) and then one day i'll start crawling, and then even making small steps with my own two legs

Stop telling disabled people to "stop making their disability their personality".

For starters, who cares if they do make it their personality? People with disabilities literally fight tooth and nail for everything in their lives. If "making it their personality" makes them feel a bit better, let them.

Besides that, disabilities kind of have to be your personality, considering the fact they literally disable you. It literally effects your life, which effects the way you do literally everything.

Suck it up, people talking about their disabilities isn't the end of the world.

[the-moon-at-zenith]

revisiting this 2,5 years after, why would we even need a car if neither of us can or plans to learn to drive bc the sheer idea of pAyiNg aTteNtiOn to every single sign on the road is terrifying

i only drive in my dreams, and even then it's stressful more often than not, esp when i remember amidst the dream that i actually don't know how to drive

idea: going to driving school to boost my confidence with cars in dreams

In the Hogwarts Mystery game you have to wake up your pets to get additional energy points.

My wife: why do i have to wake up the kitty? :(

Me: we wake them up TO STEAL THE ENERGY OF THEIR UNSEEN DREAMS

My wife: but kitties deserve energy :(

Me: so do our adhd asses.

My wife: go steal a car then, why not. we've suffered enough to deserve a car.

[the-moon-at-zenith]

i'm so tired i'm so tired i'm so tired

fucking exhausted

debt i haven't beed able to cover for ages

being broke

being disabled by depression

i just want to burst into tears and ask when all this gonna end

not like when my life ends but all this bullshit

i'm trying so hard to not let myself slip into the depressive pit entirely

but i'm tired of coping and grasping at straws and just wanna lie down for 6 months

i don't even ask for anything to change throughout these 6 months, but could it, you know, just not become worse? freeze temporarily until i find energy to deal with it?

[the-moon-at-zenith]

let me blow in like a gentle breeze bringing chery blossom scent then. one thing you should know abt me though is that when i kept a diary as a child/pre-teen, i would scrupulously write down mundane details like what i ate that day, what toys i played with (and what drama happened between them), what time my fav tv show about animals was, when i went to sleep etc. such a shame i threw this masterpiece away a couple of years ago, i'd love to know what i had for breakfast on June, 16 2001 :(

anyways, i hope reading this will bring you a pleasant experience.

yesterday was an average but nice day, and i hadn't had those in a while, so it felt kinda special.

i woke up 15 minutes before my first alarm, which is a marvel in its own. i wasn't sleepy and spent that time cherishing the moments of being in bed.

i had coffee from my fav mug, my granny's gift. it pictures the light blue sea and a sailing ship with red sails, and there's a small poem on another side titled "to my grandchild." non-poetically translated, it wishes that each of my days be filled with heartfelt warmth and illuminated by magic light.

that day i also decided to make a habit of "stupid little daily walks for my stupid physical and mental health™." i went out with my mom the day before to get to a pharmacy, which resulted in me being outside and walking for 1,5 h. that was a good start.

i drew a card for the day from my oracle deck (a habit long forgotten) and got my motto is "everything is fine now." i loved the message and left the card at my bedside drawers for the day.

so i took my pills and went out. i walked around my building and then it dawned on me that my 26yo ass could go on the swings because there are seven just near my building, and all of them except one were vacant, and children were playing around but showed no interest towards the swings.

the thing is, ever since i learnt how to swing, which was pretty early considering that those are my earliest memories, i would do only that when outside for a walk. mastering the skill gave me autonomy so i could just spend hours daydreaming with no one getting tired of pushing the swing. it also drew an invisible line between me and other children: i was unapproachable and they usually wouldn't bring me down from my clouds. i adored the swings, to say the least.

i stopped swinging when i was 13. my mom decided to stop being a housewife and found a job. thus, we stopped going on our daily "walks," which essentially were me swinging and my mom reading a book on a bench. also, the school curriculum was becoming more and more overwhelming for me, and my mom really wanted me to graduate with honors, and nothing else was asked of me, so i tried my best and more, and that meant some a lot of sacrifices.

getting back to yesterday, i collected myself and casually walked to the swings while ignoring the presence of some parents at the playground. i mean, the swings are meant for children, and i sure am someone's child, so i don't see a problem here.

and so i did the swinging, and boy did it feel good.

it didn't make me feel 10 years younger or anything but i sure felt refreshed and content. couldn't properly daydream though because children were yelling, and i have had some serious sensory issues lately, so i listened to a podcast episode (which was called "Queer & Magic" and i just loved it).

also that day:

didn't have a headache, only some tension in the head, esp in temple areas, but it still didn't become a full headache

i surfed online shops to find some essentials for a stray cat now living at the tenth floor near my wife's apartment; we're planning to adopt this baby, so we need a cat owner starter pack and basic vet services, which i eagerly studied as well and then discussed with my beloved

my student asked to reschedule the lesson for another day, so my evening turned out completely free, and i could write a post for an RP with my wife

i finally decided on the way of keeping the weekly log in my bullet journal: one page of the spread is for urgent non-essentials & work (lessons, errands, chores, shower reminders), and another one is for things that bring me dopamine happiness (spending time w/ my wife, writing posts for RPs, writing blog posts, learning about stuff, and all other things from my "dopamine menu," which i actually made into a picture for easy access)

first time in a few weeks made a daily check-in entry (i no longer push myself to do it daily although i keep the name), which helped me trace sources of some of my recent depressive thoughts, and i made a few surprising conclusions which feel to be really close to the truth; also, writing that down helps get it out of my head so that i don't keep munching it, and that does feel good

by the end of the day, i thought of a friend i hadn't contacted for more than half a year (and i think i also forgot to contact her on her b-day, although i might've called but i can't remember if i actually did). absence of object permanence makes it hard for me to keep in touch with people. i don't use facebook, i deleted twitter a long time ago, i haven't visited instagram for a few months already (for my mental health), so i have no idea what's going on in the lives of those i don't directly communicate with, and i'm kinda absent from their lives.

but with this person, i know i might just send her a few photos from my camera roll that i especially like. and because i usually feel too overwhelmed to actually tell (in writing) about what has been up, this is a perfect way to just say "hey, i'm thinking about you." and so i did. and she replied with the photos of her own. we exchanged a few messages. i felt like writing her a letter, on actual paper (that's the kind of a person she is to me, i guess, a person i'd love to write an "old-fashioned" letter to), so i suggested this, and she was just genuinely happy about getting a real letter.

finally, i watched the full moon from my balcony. it rose above the lights of the city and above the forest, and the water in the lakes was glimmering silver.

hey y’all when was the last time you had a good day? feel free to describe it in as much detail as you’d like <3

[the-moon-at-zenith]

some say that routines are actions you can perform on complete autopilot. but if my mind wanders off the task at hand, my brain ends up following instructions for something tangentially related but not exactly what's needed. what i mean by that is

today i was constantly catching myself trying to make tea instead of coffee (totally different steps) though it's coffee i make every morning

i once ended up pouring almost all of my coffee down the kitchen sink through a sieve (because when the coffee is done, 1) i pour it from a jezve through the sieve into a cup, then 2) i pour my coffee into another cup so that there's less residue, and 3) the residue goes into the sink; so my brain decided to save energy and skip a step leaving me wearily staring into the sink for a full minute and contemplating the meaning of life)

you know, now that i've described the process (leaving out a dozen other steps), i believe it's quite a strenuous task for my morning brain to exercise. should i get myself an electrical jezve and stop torturing myself? now where's my adhd-friendly wishlist

[the-moon-at-zenith]

Reminder to go on your daily grumpy walk for your mental and physical health!👆🏻👆🏻👆🏻

[the-moon-at-zenith]

Wasting time.

Aka. I just wanted to draw kitty cat.

#pascalcampion

[the-moon-at-zenith]

so, I only saw this part of what appeared to be an ad (not a game) on my feed and IMMEDIATELY stopped scrolling so that i don't get to see the spoiler about WHAT THE FUN TWIST IS

i do the task wondering what i'm gonna see as my result. my guesses were all like

how much of a procrastinator are you based on how many words you find

how distractible are you (i have adhd, thanks) or persistent, or easily bored

wow someone's easy to pick on, yeah, c'mon, prove you're a galaxy brain, overcompensator

something abt your character traits or a state of mind based on words on your 'first 10' list

same but depending on what position on the list some particular words have

so i'm all excited and rly try to find more and more (as i have a whole lotta free time rn) while avoiding too obvious stem words bc stem words is a weak game and i'm not a language major for nothing (at least there's something i'm good at, right? but if you wanna use stem words, i don't judge you, it's only about me making things harder and more challenging for myself because otherwise it won't count for some reason).

i decide to stop at 40 but then i accidentally get the 41st, so i need to get to 50 (bc nice round numbers, duh), and then i get two more.

now i'm irritated but keep going, and at the 66th word i just cover the part with letters w/ my hand bc that's enough and scroll the post to see what's below...

...and then i see this

and this

so, WHERE'S MY FUCKING FUN TWIST I'VE BEEN SO EAGERLY WAITING FOR YOU UNIMAGINATIVE PROTOZOA FOR ADVERTIZERS WHO PAID YOU FOR THIS BS UNBELIEVABLE

(thanks to this post's op for the ad's critique but i am utterly disappointed here, so many hard feelings)

now i'm gonna fix this for you myself and hyperfixate on it to make a real fun twist unlike some buzz-killing mood-spoiling not-even-trying WordTrip liars and make it into a query with thorough & absolutely ridiculous result analysis incorporating all my ideas from above because i know how to entertain myself and because fuck you that's why

[the-moon-at-zenith]

2 ADHDers in one household. entry 3: sticking to a rigid through-experience-developed the-most-efficient chores routine to avoid decision-making and reduce energy input

we know:

all the steps in order

who does what according to personal preferences, like, my wife hates vaccuuming and i hate mopping, so i vaccuum and she mops

how we coordinate (what room we're physically at) so that we're out of each other's way

the whole thing takes us 30-50 min compared to 3 hours we used to spend on it.

we can also turn on the music we both like and dance around singing while cleaning.

the problem only occurs when there's something we both love doing, like dusting and spray-polishing the furniture:

me, hypefocused on cleaning: may I pleeeeease polish the desk?

my wife: no, please don't, i've been meaning to do that myself! for a couple of weeks. i'm planning to get to that. soon. someday.

me, looking at her entreatingly: give me just something. anything.

my merciful wifey, knowing how to make me happy: alriiiight, you may polish that counter.

[the-moon-at-zenith]

2 ADHDers in one household. entry 2: taking turns and sharing chores

my wife: hey, one of us has to go to a grocery store today. [and no, it's not a passive-aggressive "you have to be that one" but an opening to a discussion bc something needs to be decided on]

me: fuck. *looking at her & knowing she hasn't had enough sleep & she has work later* okay, i'll do it.

my wife's face lightens up: oh, really? wow thank you! i'll do all the dishes today then. and i'm glad you have the energy today.

me: i don't. but you have even less, and the shopping still needs to be done. besides, you were the one who shopped the previous time. now i'll spend an hour lying in bed, mindlessly scrolling through the feed bc I have this thing coming and i can't do anything else but can't right away do the thing either. well, you know.

*exchanging compassionate looks bc we both know this particular flavor of a hellishly exhausting wanna-scream suffering under executive dysfunction*

[the-moon-at-zenith]

2 ADHDers in one household. entry 1: why it takes so much time to fall asleep

me, whispering half an hour after we went to bed: u sleeping?

my wife: mhm no, why?

me: so, if we live in a simulation, then parallel universes are tests run with alterations in the code or it's an IF function within the code that starts off an alternative simulation test of each new reality that branches off of the IF function

me: that's all i wanted to say, we can get back to falling asleep

my wife: wow cool thought thank you

my wife, after 5 minutes: so, in a simulation, genes are like character traits or features in RPG when you build a character, and the code ensures high randomization of their redestribution in offspring

me: whooah i love it

me, after a minute of contemplating: sooo shall we try to fall asleep now?

[the-moon-at-zenith]

yesterday i didn't feel like working because i was in a bad mood and didn't want to do anything, today i don't feel like working because i'm in a good mood and i want to spend it on something exciting&nice.

(thanks to my wife for putting this into words)

[the-moon-at-zenith]

You don't have to enjoy self care.

Of course, having fun and making yourself happy is always a good thing. But if doing things for yourself feels like a chore, that's okay.

Maybe going outside doesn't always clear your head. Maybe working out doesn't normally make you feel any different. That's fine! It's completely valid to treat those things the way you'd treat taking medicine: "Got my sunlight chemicals. Check. Got my exercise chemicals. Check."

It might be helpful to simply treat "getting your chemicals" as something to help you sleep and/or for your long-term health. It's great when you're having fun, but it's okay when that doesn't happen.

[the-moon-at-zenith]

In the Hogwarts Mystery game you have to wake up your pets to get additional energy points.

My wife: why do i have to wake up the kitty? :(

Me: we wake them up TO STEAL THE ENERGY OF THEIR UNSEEN DREAMS

My wife: but kitties deserve energy :(

Me: so do our adhd asses.

My wife: go steal a car then, why not. we've suffered enough to deserve a car.

[the-moon-at-zenith]

literally me and my wife deciding who has what it takes to do the dishes today

when it's none of us, we just use the same plates for the same meals we ate from previously and put dishes all over the kitchen so that the flipside doesn't get dirty. and keep the window open bc we're also not keen on the smell of most foods

i'm also thinking of buying us a bin specifically for her socks scattered all around the room so that i don't have to football them out of my way all the time (NO picking up! who does that anyways?)

when all your friends are neurodivergent and you feel like the three gorgons in the cave just passing the single executive function from one queer to the next

[the-moon-at-zenith]

i once dropped a mercury-filled thermometer like this and it got completely shattered so mercury ended up on the floor.

now i always make sure to not get the thermometer out of the case until i'm lying in bed so there's less chance of such an accident

another adhd thing that no one talks about:

Sometimes when you’re holding something and you get distracted you just drop whatever you’re holding. Your brain just says “what is this we’re holding? Does it have anything to do with the shiny new thing we’re thinking about? No? DROP IT THEN.” 

[the-moon-at-zenith]

my wife, who also happens to be a teacher and to have adhd, storming into the room to begin her online class: jubudy bee jubudy baaa i'm nooot enthusia-astic

me: what musical is that, we have to watch it