theborderlinediaries - Tumblr blog

[theborderlinediaries]

It’s been so long since I posted here. So much has happened, yet I’m still in the same place I was, just older.

I forgot I even had this account. Just like I forget to breathe most days.

[theborderlinediaries]

THIS... this is how paranoia through BPD can actually feel.

An example: I’m in my kitchen and see a car pull up at the kerbside just outside my house. Don’t recognise the car, don’t recognise the person in the car.

My paranoia tells me that they’re there to watch me. It increases anxiety, and makes me panic. When rationally, I know they’re not watching me, but paranoia is the “but what if they are?”

[theborderlinediaries]

There’s so much stigma surrounding mental illness, even now. And even when people say they “get it,” they use the above assumptions rather than listening to the reality.

Well, fuck you. Fuck your ignorance. Those with any kind of mental ill health are warriors. Just waking up is a struggle when you have the weight of a mental illness on your shoulders.

If you’re reading this and you’re struggling like I am, like many others are on this planet, I see you, I salute you, you’re not alone.

via MentalHealthQuotes

[theborderlinediaries]

I am the dude (woman) in the yellow shirt, and that fish? That fish is life, mental illness, fucking me over time and time again.

[theborderlinediaries]

I am trying my damn hardest and still I feel like I am drowning.

I have BPD - EUPD - whatever you want to call it. I’ve survived 32 years with it. Yes, I say survived because I’ve spent my life believing I’d be better off dead. I’ve had many medical professionals say that they’re surprised I’ve “held it together for so long” - their words, not mine.

I’m currently at the point where I feel the weight of life crushing my soul and I’m done trying to “hold it together” anymore.

I feel like I am no longer a name - I am just a verb. Someone who can do something for others, until their lives are peachy, and then, then they fuck off and I literally have no one to help me when I am in need.

Writing has always gotten me through some terribly black times, but right now, I don’t want to write, I don’t want to read and get lost in other realms, I don’t want to do anything. I just stare into space, my thoughts a scribbled mess, where I can’t even find the end of them to begin to unravel. I barely exist.

I’m a verb. Otherwise I don’t exist.

[theborderlinediaries]

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Today I need this reminder. There are days of numbness, days of feeling higher than the sky, even moments of tranquility, but there are also a lot of moments where I feel everything, all at once, intensely. Where the skies are dark and there are no lights to hang my hope upon. Hope helps me grasp to life, and today I don’t have that hope because it’s too dark to find it. Mental illness is a cunt. It makes us feel ashamed, like we need to hide from the world when we are at our lowest. Well, I won’t be silenced. It’s okay to not be okay. This too shall pass.

[theborderlinediaries]

Me: I’m going to have an awesome day today.

My thoughts: not so fast.

Me: *feels heart racing*

My thoughts: see? You’re going to die.

Anxiety 101. 🙄

[theborderlinediaries]

i see the truth behind your lies. i was your rose in bloom but with your deception each petal of mine dies

[theborderlinediaries]

One of my favourite quotes. If only I could take its advice.

[theborderlinediaries]

Anxiety

i’m being swallowed whole by anxiety

teeth sharp as knives

graze my skin

- i’m absorbed into abyss.