theforgottendrummajor

[theforgottendrummajor]

Before the Season (2.0)

I actually don’t know what to do.

So last night was The Big Date, the one where I had somehow convinced myself that it would rekindle some sort of honeymoon-type feelings for Joey, the kind that I thought I had for the first three months of our relationship.

But it didn’t. Don’t get me wrong—it was nice and all, and I think it was supposed to be somewhat romantic, but it just wasn’t it. It felt like it dragged at some points, and I feel like I’m seeing the bad in him more than the good.

It’s not that he’s a bad person. And all. I know deep down that he’s a good person and that he treats me well. But the thing is that he doesn’t make me happy.

I guess my biggest fear with breaking up with him is that I’m never going to find someone else. That I’m going to be alone for the rest of my life, and that if I do find someone else, the bad with them will outweigh the good I have—or had—with Joey.

The security of being in a relationship is too scary to give up.

And then there’s part of me that is consistently questioning my sexuality. Some days I think I’m a lesbian, and being a lesbian with a cis boyfriend doesn’t work at all.

If I knew I was a lesbian, it would be so much easier. I could just break up with him and have a valid explanation.

Here’s the thing: I don’t find him attractive. I don’t know if I’ve ever been attracted to him. I’ve never been in love with him—sure, we say “I love you” to each other all the time, but it’s gotten increasingly harder for me to say. It’s like, whenever I do say it, I’m on autopilot. I know I should say it because I know that’s what he wants to hear. But I don’t know if that’s what I mean.

You probably think that I’m a horrible person for saying all of this. And maybe that’s the case. But I know I’d feel like a worse person for hurting him by breaking up with him—and yes, I know it’s technically hurting him for me to stay with him and lead him on, too, but I don’t know if I’m ready to leave.

I just don’t know what to do at this point.

—theforgottendrummajor

[theforgottendrummajor]

Before the Season (1.5)

I'm back, much sooner than anticipated. Mostly because I need to rant, like, ASAP. And since there's no one else that will listen to my feelings (I don't have therapy for two weeks), you're the lucky winners! Aren't you so thrilled?

Remember how I said that I wasn't sure of my sexuality, all I knew was that I really like girls? Yeah, it's time to get into that. I came out back in 2021, but didn't realize I had a crush on a girl until about a month after I figured out my sexuality. Kind of a weird order for things to happen, I know, but I don't read into it too much. All I know is the fact that I'm very, very queer.

I guess I do need to go into more detail than originally planned for this rant to have its full effect. Currently, I say I'm bisexual, and I've never been uncomfortable with that label. It's always felt like it's fit me and I've always felt secure in my sexuality.

Until now.

Three weeks ago, I was reunited with my long distance best friend- we'll call her Cecily- and that's when things began to get a little crazy. Yes, I know she's straight, and yes, I know she has a boyfriend, and yes, I know I have a boyfriend. But for the glorious long weekend that we were reunited, it honestly felt like we had our own little relationship. Summer fling. Situationship. Whatever you want to call it, I don't care. But we had everything from slow dancing to her favorite song, to taking pictures of us almost-kissing, to a fake engagement with the ring that she wears every day (unfortunately, I gave said ring back after our fake engagement), to a conversation about our types and what we look for in people.

I just have to say, the way that we both perfectly fit what the other was looking for was CRAZY. Except for the fact that she claims to be straight, and I'm very much not a man.

So that happened, and I went home, and ever since then, we've kept in contact, as we do, only it's been amped up this time. We've moved on to sending each other Instagram Reels and such- the cheesy, romantic kinds that are meant for people to send to their significant other. You know, the "send this to the most beautiful girl you know" type of reels.

Here's the thing. I've hardly seen my boyfriend since I saw Cecily. I saw him the day that I left the place where Cecily and I had spent the weekend together, and I think that's the closest to discomfort that I've ever felt in our relationship. It just felt like I was jumping back to hanging out with him too fast, and it didn't feel right.

With Cecily, everything feels right.

And I've been joking- to myself- for the past few weeks or so, that I get the best of both worlds. Hannah Montana type shit. I get the boyfriend that cares about me, and I get the gorgeous best friend who I have a homoerotic friendship with (and I'm almost 100% sure that I'm her gay awakening, she just hasn't realized it yet).

But if I'm being completely honest, I'm not sure that the whole Hannah Montana thing is what I want.

Just now, I was texting with my boyfriend- we'll call him Joey- and everything just felt so wrong. He was so bland, and I didn't want to annoy him, so I was walking on eggshells with every response I sent, and at one point, he got so bored of me that he just went to bed.

At least, I'm pretty sure that's what happened. He didn't even give me time to respond.

And as he was doing this, one thought crossed my mind:

"We need to break up."

I stopped myself before I could say the full thing out loud- I don't want it to feel real. But at the same time, I'm now stuck in a cycle of "Do I love him or do I just crave the security of being in a committed relationship?"

Because right now, it's too late for me to say anything but the truth. So here it goes. I don't think I've ever been in love with this man. Sure, I've said that I love him, but I think he feels stronger for me than I've ever felt for him. And now, I don't know what to do.

Dating Cecily isn't an option. I'm well aware of that. If it was an option, Joey and I wouldn't even be together. It would never have occurred, it would never have been a question.

But losing Joey... damn, the way that would disappoint so many people. All of my friends were betting on us getting together for years, now. And I had so many worries about dating him back then, worries that I now realize I was so right to have, because those are the exact things that are causing problems. I feel like I can't stop seeing the red flags in him, and I genuinely have no clue if it's because I'm not interested in him because he's a guy, not interested in him because I have this resurfacing crush on someone else, or if I'm out of the honeymoon phase of the relationship and seeing him as a fully rounded person.

I saw this thing on Instagram saying that you're supposed to give something twenty-one days to think about it before you make a huge decision, especially one that could impact your life in such a drastic measure. So I'm trying to do that with this. But we're going on Day 19 of 21, and I have a huge date planned with Joey next week, and I can't decide whether or not I should do something before then. Maybe it'll be the deciding factor, the thing that makes or breaks the relationship.

The good thing is that I barely have to see him this summer if I don't want to. And we should only have one class together once school starts.

The other good thing is that I'll still have my long-distance friends, who I know for a fact will have my back, even if my school friends don't. Because everyone at school loves Joey. Everyone thinks he's the greatest guy to walk the face of the Earth. And as his girlfriend, shouldn't I think the same way?

Alright, if anyone has any advice, please help a girl out. Maybe I'll read the lesbian masterdoc tomorrow.

See you on the field (or not).

-theforgottendrummajor

[theforgottendrummajor]

Before the Season (1.0)

Hello, again.

I’m back, and oh my God, do I have updates.

First off, I might as well introduce myself.

So hello, people in my phone. I’m The Forgotten Drum Major (or you can call me Rayne).*

*not disclosing my real name, because I can’t let people in The Band find this

A few things about me:

This is my second year as a drum major.

Yes, I was forgotten about last season. (Somewhat. More on that later.)

I’m a huge music nerd. Specifically Taylor, Chappell, Reneé, Gracie, etc.

I’m extremely queer. I’m not disclosing how I currently identify because I’m very much contemplating things. All I know is I REALLY like girls (which becomes complicated when you learn that I have a boyfriend).

she/her pronouns!!

I’m currently writing a novel.

I love shopping, fashion, and makeup.

I love meeting new people.

I’m a huge daredevil and love spontaneity.

My favorite food is pizza.

My favorite color is red.

My favorite song is The Lucky One by Taylor Swift.

My favorite book is TSHOEH and *spoiler alert* I cried when Celia died.

My favorite movie is Pitch Perfect, and Aubrey was my gay awakening. Oops.

PLEASE chat with me about anything because I love talking to people, especially those who don’t already know me.

Life drama updates will start soon, but maybe I won’t start until I finish work (we love motivation).

Alright, that’s all for now. See you on the field (or not)

—theforgottendrummajor

[theforgottendrummajor]

Day 113 of Being a Drum Major

I honestly just need to get some stuff off my chest. I'm just gonna write for like 10 minutes and then ignore the rest.

I think it'd be easier if I was the only drum major in our band. Here's the thing. At rehearsal yesterday, I got to experience what it was like to be the only drum major, and it felt so much better than anything else had ever felt. I got to whistle off pregame, I got to do the entire drum major entrance by myself, I got to be the one in charge of everything. And the best part was that no one was criticizing me for the way I was doing things, even though it was my first time. No one was telling me that I sucked at something, no one was shooting me death glares, and no one was making fun of me for trying to do things and for running around the entire field.

And it felt fucking incredible.

My co-drum majors are so hard to deal with. One of them puts themself on a pedestal above the other two of us, just because of the extra year of experience that they have. And instead of trying to help us get to their level, they separate and isolate themself more from us, so that they can have more power. And my other co-drum major is just the most insufferable, immature person that I've ever been around. And honestly, knowing that they weren't going to be at this rehearsal felt like I was taking a breath of fresh air.

I came away from this rehearsal feeling the happiest I'd ever felt. I finally got my "I made it" moment. I finally felt like everything that I've worked for was for a reason, that I could absolutely get lost in the music and love every bit of what I was doing. No one was watching me--and if they were, I don't care. Let them watch. I worked hard for that rehearsal moment to be mine, and I want to have my moment.

Not only do I feel like I'm forgotten when all three drum majors and my BD are there, but more than that, I feel like I'm not valued by them. Like I don't matter. And it hurts more than anything else. My BD tells us that being a drum major means that we're going to be the butt of every joke that she makes, and I honestly don't care. Because if she's willing to joke around with me and show that bit of humor with me, then it makes me feel like I'm seen, and that I'm at a level where I can be joked around with, and where I can have fun whilst still working hard at that level. And that happened today during one of my band classes, and I was able to laugh along and get just as much fun out of it as the rest of the class did.

And you know what? Neither of my co-drum majors were there.

So honestly, this could just be me being absolutely delusional, but I feel like my life would be so much easier if I was the only drum major. For one thing, I'd feel so, so, so much better about myself. One of my co-drum majors continues to put me down every chance that they get, and after suffering from imposter syndrome for a good chunk of last year, the fact that they're willing to try to get me to hate myself just as badly hurts more than imaginable. And for another thing, I'd actually feel like I matter. And that's the other thing--I don't really have a group of friends in band. Sure, I'm friendly with everyone and stuff, but I don't have that same group of people that I call my specific group of friends. And this group just feels like my home. And I want to feel valued when I'm surrounded by the people that mean an insurmountable amount to me, but when someone else who has the exact same position that I do makes it their entire life's mission to tear me down, and I don't have that level of confidence to stop them from making me fee like I don't matter... yeah, it hurts. And honestly, I keep thinking about what would happen if I was no longer a DM, and I've realized that neither of my co-drum majors would really care. I'd like to hope that my BD would care, but part of me feels like the only reason she'd care would be because she was missing an extra set of hands sometimes, or she was missing the girl that wouldn't complain about moving ladders and doing all the dirty work. Not like she actually missed me.

I don't know. I feel like it's been way more than ten minutes at this point, but I just needed to rant. Hopefully things will get easier. Hopefully things will get better. But I really don't know. See you on the field (or not).

Brushed aside,

--theforgottendrummajor

[theforgottendrummajor]

Day 99 of Being a Drum Major

I did it.

If I don’t have any feelings for her romantically, there’s nothing that can say that I don’t love her like she’s my sister. Or best friend. Or both.

Her greenest flag is that she rubs my back when she hugs me now. She did it a few months ago when I saw her for the first time in what felt like forever, and she did it today at work. And it’s the best feeling ever.

Forget that we were in front of everyone at work. Forget that there were a million people who were watching. It was the best thing to happen to me since I saw Taylor Swift in concert.

“If the whole world was watching, I’d still dance with you.”

I could go on for hours to describe her hugs. She hugs me so tightly and in just the right way that I can’t help but feel a million times better than before she hugged me. And right now, exactly what I needed was to be held by her.

Also—I didn’t cry.

But I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t damn near close.

It was literally the best thing ever. That hug felt like it could’ve lasted forever. (Frankly, I wouldn’t have minded if it was longer.) And then after we hugged, she kept her hand on the side of my shoulder and she looked me dead in the eye and she was like “You’ll survive. You’ll be okay. Don’t think about colleges until next year.”

Goddamnit, I love this girl.

And she knows me so well. With anyone else, I would’ve been scared to death if they tried to say the same thing to me. But she just knows how to do it, she knows how to make me feel safe. And I love her for it.

And other people are starting to see it, too. I have friends who’ve said that I’m “Hayley 2.0”, or I’m “a bit of a Hayley.” And my band director says very similar things about us.

Add the fact that we were both section leaders and drum majors for the same amount of time.

Oh, and then there’s the fact that she told one of our other good friends that I remind her of herself. Because I’m “high-strung and anxious.” (Like I said, she knows me too well.) And that she “knows I’ll be fine” because she went through very similar stuff to the stuff I’m going through now.

There has never been another person to tell me “you’re gonna be okay” in a way that makes me feel so inclined to believe them. As if she’s only stating facts, and I want to believe her so bad.

She’s easily my favorite person. She’s become an older sister to me, as well as a best friend. I love her so much, I can’t even.

So, yeah. That hug was the greatest thing I’ve experienced… at least, since the last hug. And I’ll never get enough of them.

Okay, that’s it for today. See you on the field (or not).

—theforgottendrummajor

[theforgottendrummajor]

Day 98 of Being a Drum Major

Insomnia is really biting my ass tonight.

So, you know what? Fine. I'll tell you the story of Hayley.

(In case you didn't read the last post, Hayley is the code name we're using for my drum major. Read that one before you come here.)

Okay. So, if you're reading this, prepare yourself for a rant.

I first met Hayley my freshman year, on the first day of band camp (yeah, no shit, Sherlock). She was my drum major, and I don't know why, but from the get-go, I just had this infatuation with her. From the way she carried herself, to the way her voice sounded, to the way everyone loved her and she seemed like she loved everyone (by 'everyone', I mean all the non-rookie marchers). She was absolutely the standard, the end-all be-all of being a drum major, and something inside me thought she was the greatest thing to ever happen to the world. Mind you, by this point, I hadn't had any friends or talked to any people for a few years, so it wouldn't have surprised me if everyone I met that day seemed like the coolest person to me. But it was just Hayley that caught my eye. And not only did she catch my eye on numerous occasions, but it was nearly impossible to look away from her, too.

To put it plainly, she was drop-dead gorgeous.

And I was, one thousand percent, living in a closet made of glass.

See, dear reader, I had no idea I wasn't straight for a month after I met Hayley.

And it was horribly obvious, too. She was all I could think about while I was at home that week. I started putting effort into my outfits for the first time in years, just because I knew Hayley would see me. There was one time where she led a sectional that I was a part of, and all I could think about was the way her clothes fit her. That's right. The "straight" girl could only think about the--VERY ATTRACTIVE--drum major's crop top and denim shorts. (To this day, I still remember what she wore that day.) And I could barely look her in the eye at all that day. It was as if I was caught robbing a bank, when really I was the one person in that room who never took my eyes off of Hayley while she was conducting.

I've got to be honest with you. Being the freshman with the crush on the drum major definitely earned me some points with the rest of the band leaders. Not because they knew I had a crush on Hayley, of course. It was because I was the one who was always together with her, who never got off-tempo, who was always watching. (And the worst part is that it was entirely involuntary. I'd just be staring at her, and my peripheral vision would be getting me tempo.) But, whatever. It's worked out in my favor now. Like I said before, Hayley's now one of my best friends, and I can't imagine my life without her.

But back to the year of me being lovesick over this girl.

Flash forward about two weeks to when we're all getting fitted for our uniforms. Our band director is out with COVID, so the drum majors and some parents are helping with fittings. So I go in for mine, and the mom who's fitting me gave me pants that are way too short and a jacket that's also way too big. (Mind you, I've been majorly struggling with my body image around this time, so fittings are not my friend.) Anyway, Hayley was in the room while this mom and I were totally struggling, and she entirely took over for the mom with my fitting. So she found me pants that fit, and then she went to grab me a new jacket, which ended up getting STUCK. So she was working at the zipper, right around my chest, and meanwhile, 14-year-old me is getting all flustered. She got the zipper zipped all the way, and then she had to help with this clasp thingy that was on our neckline of the jacket to keep the jacket neck insert from being seen or whatever. So her fingers are brushing against my neck, and then there's me, who probably resembles a tomato. BUT THEN, she has to get the HAT. And the hat has a buckle. That we (mistakenly) unbuckled to try to get it to fit around my hair, which was in a high bun. That didn't work, so I took out the hair and put on the hat. Problem was, I couldn't fix the buckle. So Hayley had to do it. And mind you, her fingers were against my chin at this point. And I look like I'm running a 5K.

I left that fitting convinced that I was not straight.

Two more weeks later, we had our second football game of the season. Before the game, Hayley and I had been trying to get my hair up into the shako, and it was NOT working (my hair was super long). So... bonding moment, or something? But I swear, something was already starting to click in my brain at that point. Later, I was sitting next to Hayley while our school's cheer team performed at the football game. I caught a glimpse of her out of the corner of my eye.

Oh shit, I have a crush on her.

That's exactly how that went.

Needless to say, I was unnecessarily giddy for the rest of the day. And for the entire weekend. And especially when I got back to school on Monday. All I could think about was Hayley. I was obsessed with her.

We had a band concert a few weeks later, and I swear to God, I don't think I have ever found someone more attractive in their concert black. The heels. The blazer. The pants. I shit you not, this girl is gorgeous. I couldn't stop staring at her. And after the concert, all I wanted to do was go up to her and say "Hey Hayley, you guys were really great tonight." But stupid fourteen-year-old me couldn't even get the words to come out of my mouth. The Friday after said concert was our next football game--a rain game. Hayley had to teach me how to put on these disgusting ponchos that we have to wear over our uniforms at rain games. And by "teach me", I mean she did it for me. Again. I'm definitely not straight.

A week later and a bunch of us are going out for ice cream after a football game. Somehow, I managed to get a ride to said hangout with one of Hayley's best friends, which also meant Hayley was in the car. Goddamn, I was on cloud nine for that entire night. Nothing had ever been so exciting to me. And honestly, not only was it the first time that Hayley and I had really talked (her words, not mine), but it was also the first time that I'd talked with a bunch of the kids in marching band, and it really made me feel like I had found my place with them. I'll say whatever about some of those kids, but damn, they really are my best friends, and I'll forever be grateful to them for making me feel like I had a place where I belonged. But enough sappy stuff. I remember the car ride that night, Hayley kept giving me advice, about high school, about my family, about everything. And it was the first time I'd gotten advice from someone who wasn't my parents, and it meant the world to me.

So a week or so later was homecoming. The entire band hung out after school before the game, and I do remember talking with Hayley while we were eating dinner then. And that was the first time I really noticed how pretty her eyes are. Like, damn. This girl really is gorgeous, and even now, I still recognize it every day when I see her. Anyway, after the game, we were all high off adrenaline and walking back to the school before we went out together for the night, and Hayley and I ended up walking together. There were two ways we could go into the building, and I started walking one way (towards a sidewalk, I think), and Hayley put her arm around me and led me the other way, across a street, and I swear, my heart was about to jump out of my chest. It was the greatest thing I'd ever witnessed. And if I think hard enough now, I can still feel her arm around my shoulders :,) And yes, this was the night she drove me home, and we listened to Hayley Kiyoko together. She also played "Girls/Girls/Boys" by Panic! At The Disco, and that was the first point when I thought she might not be straight. (Spoiler alert: I'm right, she's not straight.)

So that's pretty much how it went for the rest of the year. I'd find some sort of excuse to talk to her, and it would make my day. I changed my hallway routes so I would see her multiple times every day, and I'd always catch her eye and wave. The best days were the ones when she'd wave first. We ate lunch together, with a bunch of other band kids, every Thursday and Friday, and those were the best days of the week for me.

By the time May rolled around, the school year was ending. And damn, I was terrified that we were going to lose touch. So I did what every hopeless romantic would do--I wrote her a note, basically thanking her for the year we'd had together, and telling her how happy I was that I had met her. I ran it through multiple sources to make sure it sounded platonic, and once I got the courage to do so, I gave it to her in the middle of a school day.

That was honestly one of the best things I've ever done. I don't think I've been able to make a person so genuinely happy since I gave her that note. I remember thinking that she looked like she was about to cry, and I kept thinking that if Hayley cried, I would start crying, and I didn't know if that would ever end. Mind you, both of us were able to keep it together, but just barely. After she read the note, Hayley asked if she could give me a hug (WE LOVE CONSENT!) and to this day, it's still the best hug I've ever gotten. Well... almost.

Flash forward to now, at the point where she's been in college for a while, and it had been forever since I'd last seen her in person. Anyway, I saw her in June for the first time in forever, and when she showed up out of nowhere and scared me shitless, the first thing I wanted to do was run over to her and give her the biggest hug. I got to do so, and I'm telling you, I never wanted to let go of that hug. I don't think I've ever been held in just the right way before, for as long as she did, and she rubbed my back in just the right spot, too. It was actually the greatest feeling, and even though I no longer feel anything for her romantically (I think? It's complicated), I think of her more like a sister to me, especially after all we've been through. I just feel like I can ask her about anything, and she'll be there for me, for anything and everything. And it's great to have that one person who you know you can rely on, especially while the rest of the world is caving in on you. Like right now, Hayley has no idea about the accident, unless it somehow got around to her by other people in band. And while I've been ghosting every other person in existence, I see her every day, and I smile and wave at her--and it's a genuine smile, too. It's the only genuine smile I can manage for the entire day, but it's there, and you know, I can finally feel wanted again. It's my little oasis out of the storm that's the rest of my life, and I absolutely love that little five second moment every day.

But, yeah. There you have it. The story of how I fell in love with my drum major.

*Hayley, if you see this-- and you know who you are-- no, you didn't. You saw nothing and you know nothing.*

If you want other Hayley stories, reply to this. I've got a million and I love telling them. So...

That's it. I'm gonna try to go to bed now.

See you on the field (or not.)

--theforgottendrummajor

[theforgottendrummajor]

Day 97 of Being a Drum Major

Hey.

It's me again.

I'm still the problem, it's me.

Anyway. My last day of work is in two days, which means that in two days, it'll be the last day I see my favorite person in the world (my drum major) until either 1) I call her or 2) she comes to visit. By the way, 1 is much more likely than 2.

Also. I feel like I talk about her a lot (and it's only the beginning, she'll be talked about a lot on here), so I say it's about time we refer to her as something. So, we're just gonna call her Hayley.

Reasoning? The first time we were alone (like just the two of us), we were listening to Molecules by Hayley Kiyoko. I have no idea if she remembers this or not. But I do.

Anyway, I'm now intent on getting a hug from her. This is the thing about Hayley, she gives the best hugs out of anyone I've ever met. Like, they're SO good. I can't even.

And of course, I could've gotten one on Monday, but I was still thinking about the accident, and my mental state wouldn't have allowed me to even look at her for more than five seconds without crying. So I didn't get one then. So we're just relying on tomorrow and Friday (maybe and hopefully both). But yeah, she means a lot to me, and she's half of the reason why I'm (so far) not quitting marching band, and she's gotten me through so much at this point that I know if I need, I can ask her for just a little bit more.

I'll tell the full story about her sometime on here, but not now. For now, I need to do something else to battle the insomnia and not send me spiraling again.

See you on the field (or not).

--theforgottendrummajor

[theforgottendrummajor]

Day 94 of Being a Drum Major

Hey.

I’m just gonna get into it. I hate myself right now.

**rant incoming— TW: car accident and self-hate**

Last night, the band leadership team was hanging out at one of the section leader’s houses. And as my co-drum major and I are leaving, I ran my car into another section leader’s car.

I hate myself.

He was pissed (rightfully so) and I had at least three anxiety attacks last night. Add onto that two more this morning. It’s been fun.

But, yeah. I’m actually so fucking scared to see everyone again on Friday. I think they all think the problem is my parents, and how badly I’m gonna be punished. But what they don’t know is the amount of self-loathing I’ve gone through within the past 24 hours. I’m not kidding. The amount of times that I’ve thought it would be so much easier to be unalive is insane.

And there it is. My co-drum major texted me. And now I want to cry.

I hate myself.

Don’t worry, little tiny people in my phone reading this. I’ll talk to my therapist about it when I see her next week.

But I’m not gonna lie, I’ve been contemplating quitting marching band. If my director hears about this, I’m even more dead. Like, how the fuck do you see someone who’s supposed to be “the face of the band” as the girl who hit the trumpet guy’s car?

Yes, it was on accident. Yes, it was pitch black. Yes, I couldn’t see shit. Yes, I’ve hardly done anything but stare at the wall. I made myself sleep on the floor, using my mini sundress as a blanket last night (but I couldn’t fall asleep). I really have no idea how low you have to get before you start thinking of yourself as the worst thing in existence, but it’s there.

But yeah. I hate myself.

I feel like shit, and it’s not gonna change. I don’t want to see anyone, or do anything.

I see my drum major (she’s alum now) tomorrow, and I swear to God, I might break down when I see her. She wasn’t there. She knows nothing. But just seeing her…

She’s been there for me through everything. And I’m telling you, I wanted so bad to call her last night and ask her to take me home. Because I didn’t want to see my family.

Of course, I didn’t do any of that.

I hate myself.

I haven’t even been able to get the drum major experience, and I’m already about to take myself out of it. Which I don’t want to do. But I feel so bad, I hate myself so much that I’m willing to ruin my entire future. And to think that my drum major and I were talking yesterday (before the accident) about college auditions and shit.

I really don’t know what to do anymore.

See you on the field (or not, because I won’t be there)

—theforgottendrummajor

[theforgottendrummajor]

Day 90 of Being a Drum Major

Hello, whoever is reading this.

Don’t worry, I didn’t forget about this blog. I’m the one who’s forgotten, not the one who does the forgetting.

And in all honesty, my life hasn’t been interesting much lately. But now I’m back.

There’s this guy that I’m kind of, sort of friends with. I say that because he gets on my nerves more and more, every day.

Last night, he called me on FaceTime because he wanted to compare his situation as a leader to mine. He convinced himself that we’re in the exact same situation, just in different groups.

Did I mention that he also has a massive crush on me?

(Which, mind you, I’ve tried to dispel. I talk about my former crush, who’s now one of my best friends. And I tell him about the girl I like now. But nothing seems to work.)

Anyway. As I was saying, he’s obsessed with me.

And obsessed with trying to act like something in the universe is having us lead parallel lives.

And it’s weird.

And a tad bit nauseating.

Also—he definitely is giving one of my co-drum majors (the one I don’t like) the benefit of the doubt in every situation, and it’s disgusting. Like, he’s telling me, his queer friend, that he doesn’t believe she could be homophobic.

And he acts like he hates her, but I think he might have a tad bit of a thing for her.

She definitely has one for him.

Maybe this blog was a good idea, after all. You’ll see why my life is literally some sort of concoction of a high school reality TV show.

See you on the field (or not).

Forgotten before the season’s started,

—theforgottendrummajor

[theforgottendrummajor]

Day 82 of Being a Drum Major

It's me. Hi.

(I'm the problem, it's me.)

At least, I'm the problem within the drum major team of The Band.

Anyway. I maybe forgot about this blog (like everyone's going to forget about me this season, LMAO). Or I just didn't have a good enough reason for writing.

Counter to that, I don't know if I ever have a good reason for writing. But I'll do it anyway.

As I was saying...

On Saturday, I was talking to my former drum major-- that's the easiest way I can describe her. Half the time I want to call her my best friend, half the time I want to call her my crush, and the other 85% of the time, I really have no clue, so I settle for "my drum major" or "my friend". So we were talking for like an hour, and somehow, she got me talking about my family issues. And I'm 99% sure that, at one point, she called me "baby".

Do I know the intention behind it? No. Do I think she has feelings for me? No. But I can tell you that she's way more of a sister to me than my actual sister. She just... she's great, honestly. And I don't know if I could live without her.

Honestly, she's the reason why I have this position at all. But I'll get to that later.

See you on the field (or not).

From under the radar, --theforgottendrummajor

[theforgottendrummajor]

Day 77 of Being a Drum Major

Hey again.

It’s me. Hopefully you didn’t… forget.

I don’t know why I thought that was funny. Maybe it’s just quite fitting to the scenario at hand.

So today, I’m attempting to get my life in order. I was texting my crush last night, we were catching up on what we’d done in the 2 days since we last talked. I told her about some of the planning and preparing I’m doing (for school and for band), and she said it sounded productive.

My response? “I try.”

And I do try—I try with everything in me. But that doesn’t mean it always goes according to plan.

But that’s not for people IRL to know. That’s for me (and you, if you’re reading this).

So give me song suggestions, songs that scream “drum major who needs a confidence boost”, or even songs that make you feel like the main character, because God knows I need a few of those.

I’m not gonna write any that I have so far, because God forbid someone from ✨the band✨ sees them, they’ll know who I am.

Alright, I think that’s it for now. See you on the field (or not).

—theforgottendrummajor

[theforgottendrummajor]

Hey.

I honestly have no idea who’s going to find this, but hopefully, no one from my band. But if I’m being real, my co-drum major (or one of them… more on that later) could totally figure it out, and then I’m never living it down.

But I’m not giving anyone a reason to find me. So I’ll just sit here, with my coffee and imposter syndrome, and watch the world slowly begin to wreak havoc.

Band camp isn’t for another month or so. I can’t decide if I wish it was sooner or not. I guess not— I’m not really prepared. Scratch that—I’m not prepared one single bit.

But that’ll change soon. Hopefully.

Alright, that’s all for now. See you on the field (or not).

—theforgottendrummajor