tragedyoflancelot - Tumblr blog

[tragedyoflancelot]

so i haven’t posted in a while. dating my fp. same shit different day with my best friend. they’re not even my best friend anymore cuz my boyfriend is. but they’re the friend who knows the most about me and i still don’t want to lose them. they still mean a lot to me but are constantly letting me down. i do everything i can to not let it get to me since i know they don’t mean it but we’re coming up on the anniversary of my suicide attempt and i’m worried i won’t be able to see them before that and it’s gonna hurt like it did then. idk. they were my fp back then and they’re not now so maybe i’ll be fine.

but like. they want to hang out with a friend that neither of us have seen in a while and i asked if i could tag along, because with my job idk when the next weekend i’ll have free is. and they said no (idk if the other friend was part of the decision) because they want to hang out just the two of them like how the two of us hang out. despite the fact that i literally don’t know when i’ll be free again and they could reschedule any fucking time. like. it feels like they don’t want to be around me. idk

mostly i’m scared they’re leaving me, the both of them. and then i’ll only have my boyfriend which would lead to me being extremely codependent again and i don’t want to fall back into being toxically codependent with someone. it felt good but it also felt so bad. i’m worried they think i’m a terrible person or that they hate my boyfriend and that because of that they don’t want to be around me anymore. but i can’t talk to them about it because the last time i got scared like this i got too intense and i started manipulating them without even realizing it like it was second nature or something. i hated that. i hated not knowing i was doing it. i’m so scared i’m a bad person. i don’t want to be

[tragedyoflancelot]

i’m so used to splitting on my one friend but now that i’m splitting on my actual fucking fp has me feeling all types of ways. like yeah he doesn’t owe me his time, we’re not even dating we’re just really good friends, but like. you don’t have to say *maybe* you could hang out one day and as soon as i give you an out you say yeah not this week like. just fucking tell me at the start that you don’t feel up to hanging out. don’t say maybe or dance around it just fucking tell me that’s all i want or else it feels like you’re lying to me. i can always tell when people want to say no but feel bad about it. just fucking say it

[tragedyoflancelot]

they’re awake and have stated something they could use as an out If they want to cancel on me so

i have plans with that one wishy washy friend and i haven’t heard from them today so i kinda expect them to wake up and cancel immediately

cuz like why wouldn’t they at this point ya know. it’s like they’re avoiding me or some shit

[tragedyoflancelot]

i have plans with that one wishy washy friend and i haven’t heard from them today so i kinda expect them to wake up and cancel immediately

cuz like why wouldn’t they at this point ya know. it’s like they’re avoiding me or some shit

[tragedyoflancelot]

the friend that’s always forgetting about our hang outs had to fully cancel on me recently and now they’re not responding as much anymore and not even trying to reschedule. i told them when i’m able to hang out and then sent a meme and they Only responded to the meme like. hello pls for the love of god i’m trying to keep our friendship alive. this is why it feels fake as hell when you say i’m your best friend. this is why secretly i don’t consider you my best friend anymore. and i hate saying that i HATE growing away from people naturally like if you’re gonna leave just fucking do it and get it over with. it doesn’t help that the guy i’m seeing is gonna be busy this week cuz he’s making dinner for his family’s thanksgiving. i’m Helping my mom but still it’s not the same so i know i’m gonna be losing my mind feeling like he’s abandoning me too. anyways let’s see how this week makes me feel and whether or not i get depressed and consider killing myself again like i did earlier last month

[tragedyoflancelot]

the rsd struggle of really enjoying something that was objectively not well made and then having to hear someone you really care about talk shit about it. cuz obviously they’re entitled to their opinion but i’ve already made my opinion clear so maybe they hate me now because we disagree

[tragedyoflancelot]

how are all of my fucking friends offline all at once. like not one person at all is able to talk to me?? it’s not late and they’re All night owls i’m the one staying up later than usual. it’s shit like this that makes me think they all secretly hate me

[tragedyoflancelot]

i stg it feels like the guy i’m seeing and i are now on totally different schedules and it is because we are with me working nights now but we’re like NEVER able to talk and it’s so hard to not just ASSUME he’s ignoring me

[tragedyoflancelot]

[tragedyoflancelot]

BPD culture is being terrified of growing too attached to someone because you're afraid you'll scare them off or hurt them like you've done with others before

.

[tragedyoflancelot]

bpd culture is feeling like your fp hates you because they aren’t messaging you daily anymore, or because they stop messaging after you say something and your brain immediately rationalizes that you did something wrong. it’s your fault. you did it again.

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[tragedyoflancelot]

wow if you could just. not forget that we’re gonna hang out as a whole?? i’ve been excited to see you all day and you couldn’t scroll up through our honestly MINIMAL texting to see that I *said* today?? that you suggested today. but sure i’ll wait two more days. i could’ve just not made plans. i could stop reaching out but i know that’ll like murder us both. or at least hurt me, i don’t know about you tbh.

[tragedyoflancelot]

ohhh my god i just wanna be a little cockwarmer i just want him to let me sit in his lap and Stay There just so he can have some fun while making fun of me for not being able to focus on the show he wants me to watch. and when he decides he’s had enough he can just bend me over and have his way with me, as rough as he wants. last time he choked me so nicely while kissing me, and pulled my hair a bit. i want him to pull me back by my hair to bite me all over, i may have to cover the markings up but i love knowing they’re there and from him

[tragedyoflancelot]

Give it up for pathetic subs!!

Subs who get hard from the lightest of touches ♡ Subs who get wet from you breathing too close to them ♡ Subs who get turned on by being kissed in a certain way ♡ Even subs who get riled up from just looking at them suggestively ♡

This blog is a pathetic sub safe place <3333 I love u guys

[tragedyoflancelot]

ahhhhhhhgff real

Either that or a hug please 🥺

[tragedyoflancelot]

i need to be absolutely ravaged right now. i cannot Wait until later i need to see him right now and i need him to be insane and feral and hungry. i need him to fill me and bite me into little pieces and fully ruin me. to make a mess of me.

[tragedyoflancelot]

can you Not leave me on “read” for ten fucking hours after i bare my heart to you and tell you i’m gonna miss you while you’re busy doing college shit. like i am already working to realize any anger i Was feeling was stupid but now that i’m sad you’re gonna just leave me in my feelings and not tell me you’ll miss me too?? are you gonna miss me or are you just gonna forget about me like you always do. fuck you