traumatizedjaguar

[traumatizedjaguar]

This was in Sioux Falls South Dakota! The green sky is caused by large hail stones within the storm refracting back green light to the observer.

[traumatizedjaguar]

big fan of windows

[traumatizedjaguar]

the valley

[traumatizedjaguar]

childhood roads

[traumatizedjaguar]

arsenic and heavy metal poisoning case easy to diagnose and easy to determine if there should be an arrest or not

parents that abuse their kids; list of true crime cases:

abusers are stereotypical and its easy to spot what they do since they all function and work from the same motherboard system.

Chemsee does in-lab testing (by professionals) to test over 30+ poisons that you can ask for which ones you want your samples to be tested for (yes I've certainly thrown money into this and had positives for cyanide + heavy metals).

its not easy when you have abusive mother, father and brother as well as a lot of abusers in extended blood-line. here read this.

No, you don't necessarily need insurance to get a toxicology report. Many testing centers and urgent care clinics accept self-pay options, and you can often pay for a toxicology test without insurance according to LabFinder and www.priorityuc.com. The cost of a toxicology test without insurance can vary, but it's generally in the range of $50 to $100 according to www.priorityuc.com. 

Generally, you don't need specific insurance to get a toxicology report for cyanide. A toxicology report is a medical test that can check for cyanide levels in blood or urine. Your doctor can order the test and send the samples to a lab, but you'll typically need to pay for the test yourself, with or without insurance. Whether your insurance covers the cost will depend on your specific insurance plan and whether the test is considered medically necessary. It's best to contact a toxicology lab in your city or a local health department for specific pricing and available services you can just call them up and ask, I've done this and generally it's a low price out of pocket. They can be as low as $40 or more depending on your location. without insurance you can simply pay out of pocket anywhere from $40-$100 for blood and urine tests for heavy metals and cyanide - anywhere in CT they'll do it for cheap.

*I DON'T recommend going to the ER because they will not help you there. Urgent care clinic is much better*

-Maya Maciejczyk

[traumatizedjaguar]

I have a few more cyanide test kits left that are still good I might use them to check different things. sometimes letting water trickle over an area into a cup collects it, or smashing food in a cup with a little but of water stirs the cyanide in, or if it liquid its easier so you know if something has cyanide or not good to test kit stuff. I would never kms using cyanide but I know my father, brother and my ex would definitely do that. keep that in mind, I promise if I ever were to commit suicide it'd be a gentler more painless means like hanging. *I will never try to kill myself using poisons*

[traumatizedjaguar]

I’m aware abusers will hide tracking devices and recording devices in the cars because they have no life; all they do is revolve their life around you and every second of every day is spent dedicated to anything but contributing to society or giving love in the world. it’s a projection when your abuser says you have no life.

[traumatizedjaguar]

i've had rapists tell me before that they will change their abuse because they're bored, they can't stop because they fall into their own depression when they're not torturing people and seeking adrenaline, they've said to me they don't care if im innocent or really kind and they can't find a way to hold something against me they have made it clear they're okay with bringing down a soft, vulnerable, innocent person because sometimes they're bored and it gets them off. they've said they like the human experiment to analyze how i'll act after being traumatized as if I'm a lab rat to them. they'll abuse so many different people, even manipulate and abuse their own group of criminals they work with because it's entertaining to manipulate manipulators. they said they will blow up human flaws about me to make me look bad or twisting and exaggerating my words or a situation, they like to be petty.

[traumatizedjaguar]

I’m sick of people pretending things will always eventually end up in a good place and be fine in this world. I’m tired of pretending life is a gift.

[traumatizedjaguar]

So my spiritual awakening… let’s talk about it!

Of course I went to the doctors and questioned it as it was happening (not a delusion therefore) as I was talking supposedly to God over the years.

The apocalypse was relayed to me in details over maybe 2 weeks not entirely sure and you know the all the prophecies, visions and dreams, telepathy and conversations with an entity that presented itself as God, the numerology following me in my dreams and in the morning when I’d wake up attached to messages or answers to my questions the night before… now it can possibly still be real as I’ve met pretty sane and kind people that are heathens and supposedly get answers back the same way I did but I choose agnostic-atheism as I need full proof and a brief psychotic episode even with just CPTSD can happen and be caused by stress.

You never really know until you die what truly happens.

I watched hospice nurse Julie for a while and I came across her story during my psychosis episode (calling it that for now) and she spoke about the time she saw an angel appear full flesh and blood - as solid as you or me - over one of her patients and it looked human-like and was huge and golden. Plenty of NDEs speak about the other side and that we all get life reviews, they talk about a collective consciousness and reincarnation being a common theme I come across.

But again, you never know for sure until you have proof yourself when you die. Unless a bunch of full-flesh and blood, solid looking angels want to appear in a room with over 100 witnesses (and I gotta be there to see it for proof haha) then you can’t say there is supernatural entities that exist for sure or that I was speaking to or that you think you’re speaking to…

Call it what you wish.

I respect everybody’s beliefs I just prefer agnostic-atheism as my title for now.

I will still meditate daily but it’s psychosis for me if it happens again.

I wouldn’t mind the voice talking to me again - but I analyze my mental health and don’t believe things easily as a skeptic.

The voice that presented itself as God and answered me when I called it that was always so kind to me, complimentary, telling me he loves me, that he’s my real father, that he knows I was gaslit, to walk away from situations that were going to hurt me if I self-sabotaged and reminding me not to and I’d listen sometimes and it was helpful, like a therapist going over the outcomes of certain choices I can make and what’s the best choice for me to make in that moment, telling me that he’d protect me during the apocalypse from all my abusers. I know the voice said I don’t deserve to be abused, alone, isolated. He was honestly so kind and I wish He was here more often but I truly get a weird gut feeling the voice will come back again but it’s comforting so idc.

I still remember how euphoric I felt when he showed me dreams and visions of the apocalypse (aka the spiritual veil getting thinner) and he showed me a whole group of over a dozen of my rapists right in front of me on a wide open street and they were getting ready to all charge at me like a mob but God split the ground in two - an earthquake between me and them - and they couldn’t get to me anymore. He gave me impressions or telepathy that he wanted to protect me.

Goodbye for now Voice you honestly were kind when you didn’t need to be and was patient with me no matter how much I fell behind and self-sabotaged.

[traumatizedjaguar]

things should be easier for trans women and transfem people

[traumatizedjaguar]

I got some significant health news today. Let's put it this way. If my blog ever goes dark, I have probably passed on. The future is uncertain.

Anyhow, I love you all. Keep up the good fight. Stay strapped.

[traumatizedjaguar]

Hope they’re not putting cyanide in anything anymore bc i mix alcohol in my stuff a lot that i consume or even wash things with… like im researching what exposure amount and the route of exposure and making sure he knows not to stupidly put cyanide in my stuff bc i texted him over the phone about it …when I’ve been using a lot of alcohol lately in mixes and drinks.. * lets not forget we all use hand sanitizer and mouth wash like wtf don’t be stupid if something fucking mixes on accident or cleaning supplies*

Always got my test kits for the milk, water, and heavy cream for cyanide and heavy metals… interacting with relatives and immediate is exhausting to get my nutrients I need in.

[traumatizedjaguar]

Always got my test kits for the milk, water, and heavy cream for cyanide and heavy metals… interacting with relatives and immediate is exhausting to get my nutrients I need in.

[traumatizedjaguar]

But what if you can't feel home anywhere

What then

Keep choosing healing.

Give up toxic addictions some trauma survivors fall into like: drugs (unless it’s medicinal), revenge, toxic coping mechanisms to delude yourself into believing cognitive distortions that don’t help you, and anything else that doesn’t align with treating yourself and everyone around you with respect at the very least.

Remind yourself that you gotta surround yourself with healthy self-talk (which we always need reminders of bc we forget), healthy coping which I’ll post a list of what my therapist gave me too and compassion books I found and self healing trauma informed books I’ll make a master post as I already have some written.

Dont have to go overboard with helping yourself just do what’s right for you. everybody is different still.

I’ll post my list soon hopefully.

[traumatizedjaguar]

That trauma survivor feeling of wanting to go home.

My heart is always crying out for a home. And I’ve felt it through life experiences and other people who make me feel connected so it exists and that’s the motivation to keep me going to find the right life, passions and people. “Home” is a state of mind that you’re in control of if you keep healing regardless of how much it’s going to hurt and how scary it’s going to be. I’ve felt what it feels like to experience inner peace and joy, to experience the magic of the universe, the natural beauty of this earth and the intense emotions that brings, the euphoric and connected feelings with human beings around me as if I’m at one with them - as if they’re me and I’m them and it lessens the insecurities I have realizing we’re all the same person. Home is that feeling of heaven and we’re all capable of it if we collectively choose to want the best for ourselves (and each other.) You get glimpses of that inner peace and joy here and there and it’s only worth working toward because there’s no other option. But you gotta give up your toxic addictions that don’t align with love and healing. Meditation and the right songs that open my heart brings out that feeling to me almost every day I do it but you gotta stick with it.

[traumatizedjaguar]

i will never support anyone that publicly bashed amber heard. i stopped supporting a lot of creators and lost a lot of friends. i refuse to ever support those creators or befriend those people again. i'll never forgive those people for how they made me feel as a dv victim fresh out of the relationship. that misogynistic hate campaign impacted real women and i do believe anybody that took part in that should feel immense shame.