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Reasons I hate myself aha

Caption this

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I’m so exhausted from existing, I want to just sleep and not wake up

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I hate the feeling of someone drifting away, I know it too well now that I can feel it as soon as it starts. I’m never wrong about it either.

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“I saw a shooting star for the first time and wished that I would find the one, thinking in the back of my head that it would be you, but then you left. And so did my wish.”

— Shooting Stars and Falling Hard

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Sometimes I’m scared of myself, I find my moods so up and down. I had weeks of severe depression and lethargic feeling, and then all the sudden I was ok and felt like yeah I got this it’s good- I was dancing around and singing super loud and laughing. That lasted a week or two and then again. All the sudden I’m back to 0 energy and breakdowns every day or every other day. Sometimes I’m cold and unfeeling and have no warmth for people or close friends and then sometimes I snap out of it suddenly and feel very clingy and lonely if no ones around, I feel so conflicted with my own mind. I have trust issues and I can’t even trust myself

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Why do people come into my life, convince me they care for me and love me. Then leave?

Over and over and over again

I can’t even feel anything anymore

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And then he said sike

I’ve been told for the first time in my 21 years of life

I love you

And I think I’m about to have a stroke

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Dear past me,

You don’t need him girl, little did you know one of his friends would come to the rescue and watch kdramas with you lol little did you know you’d wake up one morning and realize you deserved better. This boy you were so attached to made this his problem, not a you problem. So let him go.

Abandonment issues

Ok soooooo I’m just gonna write this down for future reference to myself. Today I’m having memories of being left behind by close friends for no apparent reason, and my brother as well. Really everyone I let get close to me besides my sister and parents.

There is one boy though

Who busted down the walls and broke into my heart

Now I’m in this predicament I find myself extremely attached and also extremely sensitive and paranoid that he’s gonna leave me like the others too.

He was super affectionate but today all the sudden- super off and kinda cold

Now This awful timing because I also started my period and I have PCOS so u know this was a literal shit show and pcos+cramps from hell+abandonment ptsd = complete and utter chaos.

I’m clingy and I’m being clingy and I have cried so much about this boy- I am livid. I’m so mad at everything because I just for ONCE want to not feel like someone is about to abandon me. I know people aren’t permanent but I mean ???? I’m gonna read this in like a week and laugh because I’m insane

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I was literally a pass time for him

A literal pass time

Say it with me

A LITERAL PASS TIME

To someone who said he loved me

Lmaooooo how I get played by someone who wanted me first?

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OH

My

gosh

I just remembered why I never let myself get attached because guess what?

People are not permanent and they will leave me like everyone else

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Abandonment issues

Ok soooooo I’m just gonna write this down for future reference to myself. Today I’m having memories of being left behind by close friends for no apparent reason, and my brother as well. Really everyone I let get close to me besides my sister and parents.

There is one boy though

Who busted down the walls and broke into my heart

Now I’m in this predicament I find myself extremely attached and also extremely sensitive and paranoid that he’s gonna leave me like the others too.

He was super affectionate but today all the sudden- super off and kinda cold

Now This awful timing because I also started my period and I have PCOS so u know this was a literal shit show and pcos+cramps from hell+abandonment ptsd = complete and utter chaos.

I’m clingy and I’m being clingy and I have cried so much about this boy- I am livid. I’m so mad at everything because I just for ONCE want to not feel like someone is about to abandon me. I know people aren’t permanent but I mean ???? I’m gonna read this in like a week and laugh because I’m insane

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I hate feelings

so much

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I am so screwed

As an INTP, with a boy who claims to have fallen for me- I am screwed and let me tell you why.

1. I warned him multiple times I’m worried my lack of affection and feeling will hurt him somehow

And guess what happened... it did.

He had a bad day but my lame attempts to be comforting didnt take and now I’m the problem

2. He wants to change me, my thinking bias and my coldness. I take pride in my ability to think- even tho I lack in the feelings department, I love to think. This bothers the hell out of me. People wanting to change me. I know I’m cold but I don’t try to be, it’s like a natural instinct to be detached I don’t know

3. I can’t reciprocate his feelings, he’s a hopeless romantic and I’m romantically hopeless. It’s not a good match like this because eventually (and by eventually I mean now bc this happened today) this is gonna catch up and he’s gonna get hurt and I’m gonna be made to feel bad again.

And 4. I’m dealing with A LOT of things mentally and physically going through anorexia recovery and depression with therapy, I don’t know how many times I’ve tried to express that I’m not suitable for a relationship because of these things. But no one wants to listen to me.

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I’ve been told for the first time in my 21 years of life

I love you

And I think I’m about to have a stroke

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Stressed

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YES lol I have so many food sensitivities and weird reactions I never know wth is going on inside

This spoonie feel when your body does some shit it normally doesn't do and you're like: Okay, is this the normal crap and I'm just over reacting? What is going on? Am I sick? Am I going to die? Demon possession? Afterlife? Was it something I ate? Is this the new low? One never knows...

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I’m pretty sure I have chronic fatigue syndrome but also I have PCOS, a bad liver, anemia, and apparent b12 issues so my energy levels are pretty much shot. I haven’t gotten diagnosed with CFS but I’m thinking about going to the dr to see, this is insane I literally can’t do anything without feeling like I ran a mile