vanitypup

[vanitypup]

ugh yesterday was a yucky day for my ego

and im still kind of going through it

[vanitypup]

hi there! id like to ask a question: how do you think your comorbid npd and bpd affect your life? what do you think the differences are between having both npd/bpd and just npd?

also why do you hardblock irl yan and jirai blogs? just curious

oh im not entirely sure, this is the kinda thing thatd be easier to pick apart with a therapist but i cant get one right now

ive thought about that it may just be bpd, but its not unusual for bpd to be comorbid with npd anyhow, and npd is greatly understudied/misunderstood. its very likely my mother has bpd, and that my paternal grandmother has npd (likely bpd too)(both of them undiagnosed for reasons)

they affect me by making my personal relationships tough. particularly regarding my ego. i have always struggled with this - growing up, i was an angry kid and difficult to deal with sometimes (potential bpd/npd + undiagnosed adhd). i also didnt grow up in the most emotionally mature and safe household. i believe there might have been a environmental component in the development of potential npd, as i felt like an outcast in social situations (again, adhd + being a tomboy) and maybe have learned to overcompensate

i say npd as well as bpd because of the possible genetic predisposition, hard time grasping empathy ('putting myself in others shoes'), my ego, and my heirachy.

i hardblock irl yan primarily because the obsessiveness is a behavior im prone to and im afraid interacting with those blogs on a regular basis will make my own behavior worse. and jirai blogs because i usually see them as only vent accounts, which im not really interested in.

hardblocking generally isnt disrespectful on my end, i use it to narrow down my 'circle', my heirachy. if someone is hardblocked, i view it as 'this relationship (from this blog) is not going to work if it goes further.' if someone greatly wants to, i appreciate them reaching out on side accounts to introduce themselves and ask why they were blocked, im open to having a chill conversation if i believe you deserve a second chance

[vanitypup]

*hugs and head pats (iyw)* you’re so amazing and cool, and i always love reading your posts. you’re so awesome and pretty.

thank youu ^w^

[vanitypup]

Or am I just wishing I could be like you? / That the people would see me too as a poet / And not just the muse

But why do I lie awake each night thinking / "Instead of you, it should be me"?

What motivates me? Hatred? Is it love? / What's more wrong, that I too wish to be great

Maybe my name could also be known

Please know my actions are not motivated only by envy / I, too, have a destiny / This death will be art / The people will speak of this day from near and afar / This event will be history, and I'll be great too / I don't want what you have, I want to be you

I always knew I could be the one / Though I feel the endless pain of being

Npd culture is Brutus by The Buttress

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[vanitypup]

sometimes (most of the time) i dont want to get better, maybe make myself worse. i want to be taken care of. i wanna make myself sick

simultaneously and ironically, i have contamination fears but ill eat things that are like slightly off, like expired (and arent moldy/gross as far as i can see) while quietly hoping that ill get food poisoning or something so i can be babied for a bit. but nowadays cuz of being an adult (what bullshit) i dont really get babied anymore. and it Hurts So Bad

or ill want my leg pain to flare up but then i cant let myself limp because i look 'pathetic', but then no one notices that i hurt, so no one thinks to take care of me more than usual. its an endless fucking cycle

i feel like such a leech and a burden sometimes but if no one takes care of me like they used to, then how do i Know i really exist? Know that i really matter?

and simultaneously i dont want to seem weak. but im not strong

[vanitypup]

🪞 og - original posts

🔄 reblog - reblogs

💬 ask - asks

🩹 vent - vent

🦴 ed - ED related posts (please block this tag if its a problem for you)

🔪sh - SH related posts (please block this tag if its a problem for you)

🐾 meeg - my reblogs of my submissions on @/npdcultureis

[vanitypup]

Some questions for supply for you since you randomly showed up in my fyp

What's your favorite color?

What are some cool fun facts about you?

What are some of the things you like and why? (Feel free to ramble)

Favorite food?

What's your ideal clothing style/aesthetic if you have one?

Sorry a few of these are kinda bland, I'm sleep deprived af and low on supply myself :')

1) blue!

2) uum i know its not really rare but i can fold my tongue in half. i can write backwards fairly fast with few mistakes. when i was growing up, i was a tomboy and loved my hair in a short mohawk and dyed. im alterhuman

3) i like horror movies, because i enjoy seeing gorey special effects. i enjoy hiking and swimming, grew up camping a lot of the time.

4) cheesecake :)

5) hmm. ideal? comfy! but someday i would love to be a gyaru, especially rokku, maybe hime. id also like to dress more apocalyptic style. i know for apocalyptic, i could diy/distress clothes but i dont often have the energy or motivation to do so

(rokku / apocalyptic)

[vanitypup]

ugh bf is dealing w hormones and is texting bout how they started crying and are feeling sensitive

and i have such an urge to say 'yeah i know you are' or to just completely ignore their texts for the rest of the night

[vanitypup]

Jax from The Amazing Digital Circus has NPD

Submitted by Anon

[vanitypup]

ohh my god your blog is SO COOL AG GF HHJF

[vanitypup]

hey, what’s your favourite colour? i’m guessing mahogany or white, based on your theme, but i’d love to know either way!!

its actually blue! my theme is just like that because i set it a while ago and dont have the energy to change it + dont have an idea for a new theme lol

[vanitypup]

i hate wanting attention but not really having enough energy to bother with a proper interaction

and of course my bf is currently asleep and im not going to bother him

so i guess - please send asks? bout anything (preferably questions about myself) and ill respond to them when i feel like it T_T

[vanitypup]

[vanitypup]

tw ed talk

npd and ed culture is reading things from people that have gotten to their low/goal weights, have gotten super skinny or sick and how they dont get all the attention and care and concern and shit from people that they expected. and thinking to myself, 'thats them but not me. everyone will care about me when i get like that, everyone has to then because im me and i deserve all that.' also thinking i have to get skinny to prove how disciplined and awesome i am, yes, look, i am determined and i do secretly hate myself and see this as punishment as well. but i also deserve to be skinny because obviously i do

- vanitypup

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[vanitypup]

every time i make a mistake im like theyre going to put me down like a sick dog

[vanitypup]

new press on nails to feel amazinggg and pretty

[vanitypup]

crash vent + non-graphic dog bite mention (not mine)

kinda spiraling cuz a moot of mine elsewhere posted about how they got bit by a dog today, and the post has a bunch of kind messages from their concerned followers

and i had to prevent myself from unfollowing them, because i do like them, but im so pissed

ive been bit twice. once i cant remember but i have a facial scar from. the second a couple years ago on my foot. and because they happened years ago, they dont 'matter' now. if I am the one to bring them up, im afraid of being seeing as a broken record, as repetitive and digging for attention

and im not mad at them, i empathise, i AM concerned about how this will impact them in the future like it did me. im mad in general. i want a story, i want people flocking to me even if just online and going 'oh nooo :( im so sorry that happened to you. is there anything i can do to help?' maybe they dont really mean it, but it wouldnt matter because its text, its still there and means something for me. im important and big and standing out in that moment

also upset me cuz there wasnt a trigger warning