whyamievenaliveanymore

[whyamievenaliveanymore]

Dear reader,

I fell in love. I fell in love so many years ago. When the stars were still souls, when water was a wonder and when people were still human.

I fell in love with what I believe to be the most beautiful woman. With little muddy puddles as eyes, with stars all over her face and silk over her head. She was kind and every time she smiled I felt warmer on the inside than the Sun himself.

Now, tell me, my dear reader, how was I supposed to act? Was I supposed to tell her? Was I supposed to ignore the feeling? Was I supposed to wait for her to confess to me?

I was too much of a coward to tell her. You see, my dear, we were friends. We went together to the fields to bring food to the working men from our town, men we later made fun of for how silly they were. We cooked together for our families, we learned to write and read together. She was there for me when I started to paint using petals as my color. She was my muse. And you see, my dear reader, I was too much of a coward to risk losing our friendship over romance. So I kept the feeling inside.

She got married eventually, to a nice man I couldn't bring myself to tolerate. She seemed happily in love. I was angrily in pain and regret.

She died a few years later. At the time, we've had been friends for 30 years. And her death crushed me, even more than losing her to that man. A while later, I followed her to the grave.

And that was the first time I fell for her.

I don't know how much time has passed, but I woke up after a while. In a much different world. A world where animals weren't considered monsters, a world where people were preaching the Gods, a world where more people knew the art of writing. But even in this world, the only one I could think about was her.

We met again, this time later in life. She looked the exact same, minus a few scars she got back then from the rougher times.

We immediately clicked in. But she didn't remember me. That hurt but after a little while I realized that maybe that's for the best. Maybe the Gods we were worshipping gave me a second chance to love.

Again, we started off as friends. And as time passed we got closer and closer. We were going to the temple together, even though the only divine being I saw was her. We learned to use the loom together.

In this life, I didn't paint. I was a sculptor. It was much harder than painting, at least so I thought. My hammer hit the nail and I transformed rocks into humans. Once again, my muse was her. But this time, it was a bit more detailed. It wasn't perfect. Her freckles were missing, as I was too scared to ruin the statue by accident. But it was fine. It was close enough. When I was asked who I sculpted I answered it's the Goddess of love.

And, once again, she was my biggest supporter. She helped me follow my passion. She helped me make a living out of my art. But again, I lost her. This time to another woman, that I have to agree was much better looking than me. And once again, I was grieving someone that was still alive.

This time, I died first. Of some illness the physicians couldn't identify.

That was the second time she stole my heart.

Centuries later, we were born again. The Gods we worshipped were considered evil and instead we prayed to only one man, that for some reason hold all the power to Himself. And this God apparently thought my love for her was wrong. So when after falling in love with her 3 times, I finally managed to confess, I was turned down. Because she loved God over me and was scared to burn in hell.

In this life, my dear reader, I wasn't an artist. Because when I told my beloved what I truly felt for her, some man overheard. And I was burnt for my sin of love before I could learn any art. Tell me, dear reader, was I wrong?

And that was the third time I died thinking of her.

Once again, we were back on earth. But in this time-line, my beloved reader, we barely even met. By the time I managed to find her, she already had anything she could desire. She had friends, she had a husband, she had money and she had plenty of art to enjoy. I didn't have anything I could bring new in her life.

I tried, my dear reader, to interact with her as much as I could. But, while she was nice to me, she obviously didn't desire to be more than acquaintes. That broke my heart. It hurt so bad. So bad I was again able to make art. Art to show how I felt and that allowed me to express the love, the pain, the regret.

In this life time, my dear, I was a writer. I wrote what they call today "classical literature". Except I wasn't famous. I didn't raise to the level of Dostoievski, or to the level of Emily Dickinson. I'm not even relevant enough for people to read my book nowadays. But every single sentence, every single comma, every single pause between words, it was placed there while I was dreaming of her. For the 4th time, she was my muse.

This time, I didn't portray her beauty. I didn't write a very long novel talking about how beautiful she is. No. My dear reader, I wrote about how her smile made my heart flutter. About how her jokes made me laugh more than any royal clown I saw in my previous life. About how every time she spoke I felt like I was re-learning everything, except this time it was correct, as if my source was any other it was erroneous. About how gut wrenching her absence was.

She died of tuberculosis 2 years after I published my works. At her funeral I found out she loved my books and found comfort in reading them over and over again on her death bed. I cried weeks after, losing any hope, I took my own life, my dear reader. I was overwhelmed with the fact that in these 4 lives I couldn't have her. Was I meant to be miserable? It was the middle of the night and I, my lovely, I stabbed myself in the heart and followed her to the grave.

This was the forth time I dedicated my life to her.

In my fifth life, we met on the newly founded internet. By total accident. I had a blog about writing scripts, as in this life I was writing movie scripts, the movies being based off our past experiences that she couldn't remember. She commented on my blog how much she loved my work, saying they "hit very close home". My dear reader, I'm not exaggerating when I say that seeing that comment and realizing who this was from I teared up.

From then on, we became "online friends" and later I confessed my love to her. This time, she didn't reject me. We dated long distance for a year before I managed to move in her city.

We couldn't get married, but we lived together for around 15 years as lovers, as best friends, as family, as soul mates. I kept writing, painting and loving her. She built her own career and kept being my number one fan.

This life, my dear reader, ended once again tragically. We were killed by a burglar in our own home. She died a few seconds before me, in my arms. Her last words were "I love you."

And that, my beloved reader, was the 5th time death parted me from my love.

And this, my dear reader, is my 6th life. We're only kids, and I've known you for quite little time, but I've loved you forever. And all those insecurities you list when talking to me, those are my favorite traits of you. "I'm dumb" Yet you taught me everything I know. "I'm ugly" Yet I cannot bring myself to find even one imperfection on you. "I hate my freckles" Yet I find them to be more beautiful than the stars themselves. "I hate my hair" I wish I could mindlessly play with it while I cuddle you.

You know, almost two years ago, when you decided you have to "teach" me to love hugs, I didn't hate them like I told you. But I figured if I tell you this you will hug me more often. You will grab my hand. And I was right. Every single little touch makes my heart flutter. Every single "I love you" You throw at me brings me more joy than life itself.

You know, I thought I wouldn't meet you in this life, my dear reader. Because I thought I'd die before I'd get the chance to. But now I'm here. And now you're here. And, just like in the beginning, we're close friends. We do everything together. We learn everything together. We make fun of men together. And, just like in our first life, I'll probably be too scared to tell you how I feel. Because, you see, you're my soul mate. But I don't think I'm yours.

You, my dear reader, are once again my muse. My poems, my drawings, my stories, are all based off you. I could show you tens of poems and you'd find yourself in them. I could show you tons of rhymes and you'd think "Huh, we're the same". I could show you all my art, and you'd think "that could be me". Because, my dear reader, you see, you're my muse, always has been, no matter the fuse.

My dear reader, I hope that, while you read this, you understood what I mean. You're my soul mate. Tell me, am I yours?

With love and much regret,

Your always "just a friend"

[whyamievenaliveanymore]

Helppp I was having meditation with my history teacher for a competition and he had his phone in his hand and he got a notification and his screen lit up and I am a nosy bitch so I looked at his screen and the notification was from Tumblr??? My 50 y/o history teacher has Tumblr??? Helppp???

[whyamievenaliveanymore]

I did not read all the Riordanverse books, but I did read most of them and know more or less what happens in all. And Nico di Angelo has been one my favorite character out of all fandoms since I was 9 to this day. So here are some things I think the fadom is getting wrong abt him

1. He is not "quiet shy poor little twink" as I keep seeing every fucking where even in 2025. He's not introverted in the "I'm scared of people" way but in the "fuck people" way. He doesn't hang out with people not because of anxiety but because he a) doesn't like them b) doesn't see the point of it and c) he has better things to do. And let me tell you, I'm 101% sure he can handle any conversation (small talk or not) at least as good (if not better) as Will.

2. This one is more abt Percy but wtv. Percy wasn't offended that Nico didn't like him anymore. He was worried Nico hated him again. That's why he was shocked. He wasn't like "HoW dArE yOu NoT fInD mE aTtRaCtIvE" as ppl say. He was worried that after all they've been through Nico hated him and Percy probably felt guilty for a lot of stuff in that moment.

3. He wouldn't choose Bianca over Hazel. 11 y/o Nico? Yeah, that one would. But this Nico? I'm 400% sure that if he got the occasion to switch Hazel for Bianca he wouldn't. Not because he likes Hazel more. I'm sure he loves them equally. But because that's just what's right.

That's all I can think abt now and idc if ppl have alr seen this or that only a few ppl still think this. This shit gotta be known by everyone

[whyamievenaliveanymore]

Being a teenage writer is funny. Ridiculous, even.

When I was in elementary, my teacher used to tell me all my stories have to start with "It was a (adjective) day of (season)" so all I ever wrote between 2nd and 4th grade starts with smth like that (yes I was trying to become a writer at 8 y/o)

Then, idc abt other countries, but here we learn to write stories by writing another ending a small fragment of a story we were given, or take the characters from said small fragment and make them interact with someone else. Aka they made me learn to write stories by writing fanfic. So ofc now I'm writing fics and the comments are full of "How do u get them so in character????"

And the best part, both my English teacher and first language teacher know I write. So every single time the hw is writing a story I get away with not doing it because I had no inspiration or motivation, unlike my mortal classmates.

So yeah, being a teenage writer is funny

[whyamievenaliveanymore]

So for all Caitvi fanfic writers, I have this for u

Vi's name basically means lesbian. Do what you want with that

[whyamievenaliveanymore]

Gay awakening this gay awakening that. What abt trans awakening? My trans awakening was Alex Fierro

[whyamievenaliveanymore]

I wasn't mad at Rick when non book accurate Percy got casted. I didn't get mad at Rick when non book accurate Annabeth got casted. I didn't even get mad at Rick when the show wasn't 100% book accurate (it would have been stupid to). But do you know when I got mad at Rick? When he decided after fucking years that Nico's name is actually Niccolo. Who tf is Niccolo di Angelo? When I was learning Italian in 5th grade there was a song "Io sono Niccolo/ Mi chiamo Niccolo/ Io sono Niccolo/ I amigo tuo saro" or smth like that I don't remember for sure. But every single time I'm even thinking abt TSATS I can only think abt this song. And that's ridiculous. I hate "Niccolo" di Angelo. It sounds so fanfic-y

[whyamievenaliveanymore]

I recently came out as a lesbian. Someone please explain to me why all the boys I was genuinely beefing with before either a) are begging me to not be a lesbian or b) telling me about which girls have "great" asses. Thank you

[whyamievenaliveanymore]

English is not my first language. But everyone I know says I speak it very well and ask me how I learn it. My answer is usually "Oh, you know, a combination between school and Duolingo." When in reality is purely memes and fandom jokes on Pinterest and now I just learned a new cuss word from a silly shitpost. My English teacher would be terrified to see my study method

[whyamievenaliveanymore]

If I had a nickel for every single time someone was obsessed with a show and told me about it, I didn't watch it, but told about them to by best friend who watched them and then convinced me into watching them too, I'd have two nickels. Which is not much, but it's weird that it happened twice

[whyamievenaliveanymore]

As I do agree Chiron is no way a "good guy" he's also not a villain. The "villain" is Luke or Kronos. The villain is someone that opposes the hero, Percy. Chiron doesn't opposes him. He's fighting on the same side as the hero. But, as you said, he's not a good guy. And that is because he is not supposed to. He represents the corrupted system led by Gods. He was put in charge by the Gods and he's doing what they tell him. The Gods never told him to go after the missing kids, to make more cabins for kids, or anything. His jobs was to keep them under control, not to protect them. At least that's how I see it at least

I've been a Percy Jackson fan for years. But I couldn't read the books as soon as they came out because I didn't know English that good and had to wait up to years so they'd be translated. So I would get the books spoiled online. And I remember at some point seeing a post with "spoilers" for Blood of Olympus that had a bunch of fake spoilers like "Nico ends up with Annabeth", "Reyna marries Chiron" and a lot of things (that my stupid ass believed for like 15 minutes before I made my research). And now one of my best friends is a fan of PJO after watching the first season. And I realized I can give her fake spoilers too. "Oh, did you know Luke is actually Percy's brother?" "Omg, I can't wait for Grover and Clarisse ro get together." "Ugh, how much more do I have to watch until the reveal that Chiron is a villain??". She's shook

[whyamievenaliveanymore]

Ah, yes, English, the class where I get asked what movie I've watched recently and I get to describe to my homophobic English teacher about this wholesome romantic animated movie (that is definitely not about two gay men that even fuck on the screen) and she calls it cute because I didn't gender the characters. I love languages where you don't have to mention the gender (my first language could never. Every fucking thing has a gender in it)

[whyamievenaliveanymore]

There's two ppl in my class that read manga. Me and one of my friends. But I'm the only one that reads manga at school. And the other day I was reading "Nana", hoping that this volume won't have any scenes and all the boys in my class (almost all of them watch anime) were like "eww, why would you read manga" "disgusting" "boring" "nerd". Y'know, the usual. And then pretty much all of the girls, who had watched maximum an anime in their whole lives were like "Omg so cool" "what is it about?" "The artsyle is sooo cute". And if this is not a good reason to like girls more than boys then idk what is

[whyamievenaliveanymore]

When I was 11 I had just finished reading the Percy Jackson and the Olympians series, and like the basic girl I was, I was obsessed with Nico. And I knew there were more books but they weren't translated in my language which was annoying. So in order to feed my obsession for the little depressed boy, I have decided to read his Fandom Wiki page. Translated by Google translate, ofc. And by reading that Wiki page I found out that Nico was gay. But my 11 y/o ass didn't know what that means. So I went straight to my sister and asked her what's that. Horrified, she told me I'm too young to know. So I just asked Google. And then it was my turn to be shook. Wdym my boyfriend didn't like girls? So I was homophobic for like a year because I was jealous Nico di Angelo had a partner. Now turns out I don't like men

[whyamievenaliveanymore]

I've been a Percy Jackson fan for years. But I couldn't read the books as soon as they came out because I didn't know English that good and had to wait up to years so they'd be translated. So I would get the books spoiled online. And I remember at some point seeing a post with "spoilers" for Blood of Olympus that had a bunch of fake spoilers like "Nico ends up with Annabeth", "Reyna marries Chiron" and a lot of things (that my stupid ass believed for like 15 minutes before I made my research). And now one of my best friends is a fan of PJO after watching the first season. And I realized I can give her fake spoilers too. "Oh, did you know Luke is actually Percy's brother?" "Omg, I can't wait for Grover and Clarisse ro get together." "Ugh, how much more do I have to watch until the reveal that Chiron is a villain??". She's shook

[whyamievenaliveanymore]

I was talking to somebody and wanted to say "I'm gay as fuck" but English was not englishing so I ended up saying "I'm fuck as gay".

[whyamievenaliveanymore]

My 7 y/o brother thinks that gay means cool. He said I'm the gayest person ever