witchotub - Tumblr blog

[witchotub]

“oh god i hope it hurts less on the way out”

i havent written anything proper in a while. im sorry. im in one of those periods where not much is happening but everything is happening simultaneously. theres so much i want to talk about but i cant really find the words at the moment. but feelings are so fleeting and i dont have much time so im going to try.

[witchotub]

“ but u are always too intense.. frightening in the way u want him ”

he makes me feel so good it's like an addiction. i feel so blissful when i'm with him but when i'm away my heart doesn't feel the same.

i want to be wanted more than anything else in the world; i need u to know that i hate needing this from him. there is nothing more humiliating to me than my own desires. nothing that makes me hate myself more than being burdensome and less than self-sufficient. i don't want him to feel like i am the kind of nagging woman who might exist in a sitcom.

being in a relationship with a man makes me more aware of the fact that i am a woman. every time i need him to articulate that he loves me i feel needy, deprived, oppressive, bothersome.

[witchotub]

“i still don’t know how to love someone without swallowing them”

happy new year. i feel like im going fucking crazy.

most of the time im super cerebral about my relationships with people but im so madly in love its driving me nuts. im spiralling again. for the first time last year. i keep convincing myself that hes already sick of me and just keeps me around to amuse himself. but isnt that so unfair to say of him since hes been so sweet? and then he does these little things like tell me im beautiful and hes obsessed with me. he kept my star bracelet and the card i gave him. he sleeps with my scarf. but then he wont reply for 30 mins and ill think he wants me dead. since when did i become the type of girl to act like this?

[witchotub]

i want to talk about what happened without mentioning how much it hurt. there has to be a way. to care for the wounds without reopening them. to name the pain without inviting it back into me

if theres a way out ill take it, lora mathis

[witchotub]

“u touch me and suddenly i feel a little less war torn”

last night changed a lot of things. i cant explain how safe he makes me feel. he fucked me and then afterwards he held me like water as i cried. i wanted to be held so tight so i wouldn’t break.

[witchotub]

"ur teeth grazed my pulse and i realised u could tear open my throat and make me bleed out in ur arms"

i've come to realise that i dont talk about the good. theres a lot of good. he likes being taller than me and he hates crying. his fav colour is purple but he mostly wears gray. his eyes r green. electric green at the edges marbled into a forest shade in the centre. i love when he looks at me through his eyelashes. he likes polar bears, theyre second to dogs, even though hes allergic. all of the names on his snap are saved in morse code except mine. i can never look him in the eye. he likes anime and sleeps beneath this big purple cat from dragon ball. hes scared of death. very scared. he thinks about it all the time. he thinks that hes ugly. he doesnt believe in God or the afterlife. his usual coffee order is a regular latte with only a sprinkle of sugar. he never lets me pay. the compliments he gives me are divine. we both think we dont deserve each other. he smells like fancy hotel soap. he kept my scarf. when he holds me close to his chest i feel as though he loves me.

[witchotub]

“i do not like myself very much. i try. it is difficult to show someone you love the violence. the versions of yourself you try to bury”

sometimes i think that maybe he’s using me for sex. its stupid since we've barely even discussed it. at the same time, i still think that’s too much of a compliment to myself. me being with him is a joke and we both know it. people must think i’ve won some sort of competition and i’m embarrassed for him. he’s built like a fucking greek god and i’m so ugly and repulsive and fucked in the head i can’t even eat a french fry without feeling as though my brain is going to explode.

[witchotub]

“my grief is tremendous”

today i was looking back at my old snapchat from 2016 and i looked so happy and seeing a time in my life where i was actually surrounded by people. but as i was scrolling through, i was noticing little things that hurt my heart. in one video, all of my old girl friends were trying on matching dresses and i was wearing a large jumper. i remember that day. feeling so insecure seeing how thin yet curvy my friends were while i was full of soft fat in all the wrong places. it reminded me of a scene from 'my mad fat diary'. chester is telling rae to tell him everything she doesn’t like about herself and then picture herself at ten and say all of those things back to her. it sounds silly but that really resonated with me because looking at those videos filled me with such a heart wrenching sadness. i was just a fucking child and it hurts knowing how i felt. I WAS A CHILD. i just want to wrap that girl up in my arms and tell her she’s beautiful she’s perfect. but why cant i feel that way about myself now? i wonder how ill feel about myself a few years in the future. will i look back at me with pity or remorse or empathy? or disgust?

sometimes i think its okay to be fucked up because maybe i’ve always been this way.

[witchotub]

"and this urge to run away from what i love is a sort of sadism i no longer pretend to understand"

i am enamoured with him, he makes me feel totally jubilant but i'm scared he's too good for me or that i don't 'deserve' him. i'm unable to see why he'd like me when he could do so much better. it makes me feel insecure, as though he has no real acumen or reasoning to be with me. feeling like this is incredibly abhorrent because i just don't want to fuck this up like i always eventually do. i yearn for this one good thing.

i adore the way he makes me feel though. it's something i've never borne before. when i'm with him it's like nothing else matters.

i heard a song the other day that really embodied my doubts about pursuing this relationship. "and will you still want me, when I'm nothing new?" boredom and monotony are my biggest fears. i never want him to look at me and see some tired uniformity. but I don't think i could ever feel that way about him.

he was telling me about his fear of death last wednesday and the incessant tragedy of the human condition. it was unexpected, this 'deepness'. obviously, i'd never seen him as two dimensional but his honesty just felt so unconventional to hear- especially from a guy.

his fear of death is so unrelatable to me though, as he described his feelings with such complexity i felt no affinity, just ambivalence: nothing, null, void. maybe i am scared of death and i just don't want to admit it to myself. or maybe, i've just unconsciously accepted the compulsory nature of ending.

[witchotub]

"i feel this poison slowly filling my veins ---- every particle becoming slowly tainted.... i am never, never calm, never for an instant"

my parents are both cowards.

they were arguing over fucking burgers and then dad took all of his money and went to pack a bag. he said he was leaving and that it was our fault because none of us cared.

after a few minutes he stopped packing and went to the summer house to lie down. i know he did it to scare us. that's why he does a lot of things.

i remember before, we were driving up a hill and he kept telling us we were gonna crash and die and i could see his face in the rearview mirror. we were all panicking, even mum, and he was just sat there laughing and smiling to himself.

despite this, i don’t want him to leave. 'i don’t want to be one of those families that are broken', that’s what i told mum and she didn’t even seem to care. she walked away from me and slammed the door as if i'd scolded her.

since when did they both get to act like children? when you have kids you can’t just leave and blame them for all of your problems, that not how it works. it’s no wonder i’m so fucked up; i don’t even get to have a childhood because i’m too busy holding this fucking family together.

[witchotub]

"i hope its love. im trying really hard to make it love." - richard siken

he's perfect, i’ve never met anyone so damn perfect. the feel of his skin and the press of his body against mine is permanently etched into my brain. he's all i think about. i think it makes it more special too, knowing that all of this is new to him as it is to me.

but its so damn hard to like someone when you don’t even like yourself. i mean why does he even like me? what’s there to like? i’m not curvy or pretty or overly intelligent. i’m not loveable- nevermind fuckable.

he’s so out of my league and it’s making me crazy. i just wish i knew what he saw in me but it would be too crazy to ask.

the other night he said he loved me. i hope he's not lying. i hope this is love. if this is what love feels like i don’t want to know what the end of it feels like. i don’t even want to think about the end. i’m trying so hard but i can see it in the distance.

[witchotub]

“im abandoning everything! everything! and that way i wont be abandoned--“

i genuinely dont know whats wrong with me lately. i used to have the patience of a saint but now every little thing makes me want to scream. one minute ill be fine and the next i just want to bang my head so hard on the wall that it kills me.

[witchotub]

“i’m afraid if i open myself, i will not stop pouring. why do i fear becoming a river? what mountain gave me such shame?” - jamie oliviera

i feel my best, and only friend pulling away from me. it’s such a hideous feeling, merely the latest in a lifetime of things i can’t face but do anyway even though its like my hearts been ripped out of my fucking chest.

i don’t know what to do or how to fix it; there’s nothing left to do and nothing left to fix. i’ve spent my entire life doing everything i can to convince myself i don’t need people to like me and i’m not sure if that’s enough anymore.

i miss him terribly but i don’t want to seem too clingy, it’s like when you know things are ending you freak out and try to hold on and then it gets weird waiting it out. i just have this empty feeling where something once was.

[witchotub]

“i want to rip out my heart and shake it like a magic 8 ball is this okay is this okay is this okay or does it make me weak” - ask again later

i like him so much. and he likes me too.

when i’m with him it’s like time is not something we exist within. like it’s just me, him, us. every time i look at him i feel like i’m going to explode, like this yearning is so much. if i think about touching him i get this feeling that i can’t even put into words. it feels bubblegum pink in my chest.

and he’s so gorgeous. sea green eyes so big and soft that when you look into them you feel like you’re melting. every time i look at him i feel like my eyes turn into little hearts and my face goes pink like a guava.

yet still, i’m so afraid of getting too comfortable, you know, going soft. i finally have this one good thing and i still can’t stop making problems for myself because i’m not even sure if i deserve anything.

i’m afraid that this could be the best thing that ever happened to me but what if it doesn’t make me as happy as its supposed to?

[witchotub]

“sometimes, i feel great pain, and it’s no one’s fault i have never experienced an intimacy like this before”

things are going well right now with the guy im seeing. maybe too well. im trying not to come on too strong and play it cool but then what if i seem too uninterested? what if he only wants to be friends? its hard not to overthinking it but ive been getting by with telling myself to just not ruin it today.

however, i had the most amazing night with him last night. we watched a horror movie and drifted around town for a while. he showed me a spot by the canal that was serene and we watched a fire burning over the bridge for a while over a bottle of vodka.

maybe its silly and cliche but he gives me butterflies and im not used to feeling like this. honestly its frightening.

he wants to go for dessert this week and im terrified. my appetite just keeps getting worse but i dont want him to think theres something wrong with me even though there is. i just want to live in my own perfect delusion for a little while before i eventually scare him away.

[witchotub]

[witchotub]

“look at this ruin and my two guilty hands. all of my mess belongs to me. there is nothing left for anyone to pick at” -leave me alone to do it

i dont usually write a lot about actual events, more about the abstract, but today i have a bit of an update.

last saturday i went to a party and i had a good night. for starters, the bar worker kept flirting with me which made me feel wanted and then i met another guy, A. i dont usually get crushes often so it was weird at first but we talked a little and i liked him. then, at college the following thursday he asked for my snapchat and maybe thats not a big deal to u, but people (especially guys) dont usually pay me much attention.

we've talked a little and we're going for coffee soon which is super nerve-wracking but i just have to try.

as always though, i hold a few reservations. i really dont want to ruin it, i mean this is the first time in my entire sixteen years that ive ever tried to pursue something tangible. im scared of making a wrong move or coming on too strong because i just dont want to get hurt. i just want this one simple thing but im so damned scared. i know u’ll think its silly as i havent messed up yet but i feel the pressure looming over me like this shadow that i just cant shake.

i mean how am i supposed to explain to him that i cant ever go out for food or let him touch me? im scared that he'll be too good for me and that ill fuck it up just by Being. but i also dont want to ruin myself over it if theres a chance this could actually work.