#abusive relationships

[alwaysbewoke]

[neuroticboyfriend]

Abuse has a goal behind it, and a lot of the time, it's about changing the victims behavior. If someone screams at you for not doing X activity, eventually you learn to do X activity. If someone hits you when you defy them, eventually you learn not to defy them. If someone abuses you frequently enough, and you begin to break down to their will... It is possible to reach a point where it may seem like you're not being abused anymore.

They don't yell anymore because you stay quiet and do what you're told. They don't threaten you anymore because you don't voice even the slightest disagreement or need. What used to be screaming fighting arguments have become lectures at your expense. They may even praise you for doing what they want you to. And all those mundane moments - breakfast, the rare kind act - stand out more. Your perception of the relationship skews even more. It's all normal now.

And it's still abuse. It's just reached its end goal - wearing you down so badly that they don't need to overtly abuse you anymore to get what they want. All they need to do is make a joke, or complain to guilt you, or tell you want to do/not to do, etc. etc. The fact that's all it takes now doesn't make what's happening to you less severe - if anything, it means you're in much, much more danger than you could realize.

It's abuse. It's horrific. It's just not obvious anymore... and that's terrifying. You deserve so, so much better. You deserve to truly be safe - not to have your wellbeing held behind fearful compliance. That's not safety. That's not love. That's abuse. It being psychological doesn't make it less dangerous.

[redditreceipts]

a story in three parts

no matter how bad things get, it's gonna be alright

[socialjusticeinamerica]

😡

[furiousgoldfish]

Share your biggest red flags for friends/romantic partners! If you feel like it, explain why are these your red flgs. Mine are:

aggressive/threatening behaviour or phrases (if they even jokingly say 'I'll kill you' they're out)

physical violence (it happens even with friends sadly)

gaslighting (if someone tries to revise the past to make themselves look better, out)

self-obsession (only talks abt themselves, neglects you and doesn't care for your plights)

bigotry (say something racist, homophobic or sexist, or otherwise hateful towards minorities, out)

guilt-tripping and emotional manipulation (if I constantly feel guilty around them, nah)

responds badly to boundaries (If I withdraw for my mental health and they get angry at me, out)

lack of basic empathy (if they're apathetic to the world's suffering, thats crazy to me)

attempts at control (if they try telling me what to do, wear, where to go, what decisions to make, no thank you)

insists on quickly developing connection (if they're pretending we're soulmates and need to immediately be super close like we know each other forever, open up and bond about everything, and they don't respond to attempts at slowing it down, thats creepy bye)

you only exist for them sometimes (you are completely ignored until the exact second they need something or have nobody else to complain to)

conscenders/criticts/beraters (talk to me rudely and you are chucked. I will not be condescended to by god or anyone else)

[cthulhu-calling]

Camisado 1

Dark!Steve Rogers x female!Reader

Summary : You always thought you’d marry someone closer to your age, but you couldn’t complain. Although Steve was nearly seven years older than you, you couldn’t have asked for a better partner. He was kind, sweet and had always looked out for you ever since you moved into the neighbourhood at fifteen years of age. At first, you assumed it was an elder brother-ly thing. Beating up the boys at school who were bothering you, those who asked you to accompany them to the movies even after you said no. But on your nineteenth birthday, when he kissed you in the kitchen while your party continued on in the backyard, everything changed. You’d been going out since then and he’d made it clear to you as well as your parents that he planned on making an honest woman out of you.  You and Steve had the perfect life, you couldn't ask for anything more. But that doesn't mean he couldn't.

Warnings : 1950's AU, smut, misogyny, factual inaccuracies, lots of talk of pregnancy (seriously, this is a major content warning)

Author’s Note : Reader has no specified race or body type. It has all the period typical sexism but considering that when I imagine readers, they're always woc, there will be no period typical racism. Not beta'd so all mistakes are my own. I tried to do as much research on life in 1950's America so please be kind and let me know what you think!

Word Count : 5k

masterlist

You fell back on the couch, deciding on taking a small break after having spent the whole morning dusting and vacuuming the house. You still had to do the dishes and hang the clothes out to dry. Your mama always said, a man’s home is a reflection of the woman he’s with, and so you made sure to keep the house in near perfect condition. You looked up at the clock, a wedding gift from Steve’s ma. You adored Sarah Rogers, she was almost like a second mother to you. It was already past noon and you really needed to get a move on. You had less than an hour to take a quick shower and then make a quick lunch for you and Steve to take to the garage. 

Finishing your shower in record time, you quickly add chicken soup, flour, pepper and cayenne into the slow cooker followed by stirring in the chicken and veggies. You knew Steve always enjoyed your slow cooked chicken a la king. You could leave it on and it would be ready just in time for dinner. Packing a quick ham and cheese sandwich for the both of you, you placed it in your bag before checking your appearance one last time in the mirror. You had on a sleeveless white blouse with a blue, floral-a-line circle skirt and black kitten heels along with a classic red lip. Steve always preferred you in skirts and dresses as opposed to pants or trousers. 

With ten minutes before the clock struck one, you quickly made your way out of the house and began the short walk to the garage where Steve worked. You always brought Steve his lunch and spent the half hour of his lunch break with him and today was no exception. You’d been married for just over a year now and the two of you had decided that you’d wait for a while before starting a family, wanting to just enjoy each other’s company for a while before you added children to the mix. But it was established that you both wanted kids. While two would be more than enough for you, Steve wanted three, at the very least. 

You always thought you’d marry someone closer to your age, but you couldn’t complain. Although Steve was nearly seven years older than you, you couldn’t have asked for a better partner. He was kind, sweet and had always looked out for you ever since you moved into the neighbourhood at fifteen years of age. At first, you assumed it was an elder brother-ly thing. Beating up the boys at school who were bothering you, those who asked you to accompany them to the movies even after you said no. But on your nineteenth birthday, when he kissed you in the kitchen while your party continued on in the backyard, everything changed. You’d been going out since then and he’d made it clear to you as well as your parents that he planned on making an honest woman out of you. 

And exactly three years later, on your twenty-second birthday, he asked you to marry him. And you said yes, of course. The two of you got married two months after that day, in an intimate ceremony with only the closest of friends and family. Steve worked as a mechanic at Mr. Stark’s garage, making more than enough for the two of you. After the monthly expenses, the mortgage on the house and your savings were covered, you had just enough left every month to go out for a fancy dinner and to the movies once. 

As you reached the garage, you spotted Steve bent over the open bonnet of a car, tinkering around. Taking this opportunity to startle him, you walk up behind him as slowly and noiselessly as possible before placing a hand on his shoulder, calling out his name, causing him to startle and hit his head on the bonnet. He curses loudly before turning around, the anger evident in his eyes which burns out a little when he sees you. “You should know better than to do something like that doll,” he whispers in your ear, pulling you close by your waist before pressing a chaste kiss to your lips. You feel the heat rising to your face as you look towards your feet, licking your lips as you mumble out an apology. 

“Why don’t you take a seat doll, I’ll be done here in five,” he says before continuing to work on the engine. You nod as you take a seat a little distance away, pulling out the book you got from the library last week, smoothing out the dog-eared edge before diving back into the book. Just as you were about to finish the chapter you’d been reading, Bucky walks out of Mr. Stark’s office, snatching the book right out of your hands. “Hey!” you huff out a protest, reaching out for the book that he proceeded to hold above his head. Laughing heartily at your antics, Steve comes up behind Bucky to snatch the book and hands it back to you before sitting down and pulling you onto his lap, wrapping his arm around your waist possessively. 

Rolling his eyes at that, Bucky continues “Nat needs y’all to come over for dinner tomorrow night,” he says as he opens his lunch, digging into the food. Bucky and Natasha were Steve’s friends and had become yours too when you started dating him. The two had been married for five years now. Natasha was probably the most badass woman you’d ever met and while you hoped your mama never caught you saying that, it was true. She was headstrong and never took any crap from anyone. She was a nurse and while you admired her, you were a bit envious of the fact that she was a working woman. Steve didn’t allow you to work. He believed that it was his job to earn money to support you and while you would have still loved to work, you understood that things couldn’t always go your way. 

“What for? We’re going to my ma’s tomorrow night,” he questioned as you handed him his sandwich, before grabbing your own. 

“Go to Sarah’s some other day. Nat’s going to prepare a feast and she needs you there. Sam and Wanda and Clint and the family are coming too. Come with your appetites prepared,” he said, finishing off the last of his lunch before dusting his hands off and getting back to work, “No excuses, be there by seven. And for god’s sake Rogers, look presentable.” 

“Beat it, punk,” Steve yelled as Bucky moved away with a wave of his middle finger. You looked at Steve, giggling, before promising, “I’ll drop by and make her some soup for tonight. I’ll spend the night too if need be. Don’t worry, we’ll go to Nat’s tomorrow,” you kissed his cheek before removing yourself from his lap, packing up your bag. “I should get going, let you get back to work. I have lots to do at home,” you wave a goodbye, Steve watching your hips sway. 

Steve knew you were the perfect dame for him. He loved you more than anyone he’d ever loved before. He knew you’d be the perfect wife and mother to his children. He wanted you just to himself for a little time before the two of you started a family because he knew once he got you pregnant, he planned on keeping you round and full of himself for as long as possible. Just the thought of you barefoot and pregnant under his roof, cooking for him and his children, your breasts swollen and heavy with milk for his child. Just the thought of you pregnant and oh, so sensitive because of him, it all turned him on more than you could ever imagine. 

He vowed to start trying to get you pregnant soon. 

*

By the time you got done with all your chores around the house, you were exhausted. Dinner was done about halfway and the chicken noodle soup for Sarah was done and packed for you to take to her. She wasn’t feeling too well the past few days so you and Steve were going to visit her tomorrow with dinner, just to check up on her. But now, you’d already called and told her about your plans for tomorrow evening and that you’d swing by today before dinner. She was rather accommodating, claiming that the two of you needed to spend time with people your age. And she sounded much better as well. Her cold seemed to have improved and she sounded more energetic. 

At half past five, you decided to get to Sarah's house. She lived close enough, just a couple of houses down the street. When you and Steve got married, you decided to get a house close enough to both his ma and your parents as well. Which reminded you that you needed to visit your mama soon as well. You had borrowed her Vogue knitting books, and it was high time you gave them back. You quickly make the ten minute walk to her house and let yourself in using your set of keys to enter the house, not wanting Sarah to move around too much but to your surprise, you find her in the kitchen, humming a tune you couldn’t quite recognise, cooking what smelled like her famous lasagna causing your mouth to water instantly, the response Pavlovian at this point. 

“You’re supposed to be in bed ma, not prancing around the kitchen doing only the Lord knows what,” you say as she turns around, giving you a wide smile. 

“Don’t you dare sass me kid. Is that really how you greet your poor old mother in law?” she asked as she walked out of the kitchen, pulling you into a tight hug. Giving you a final squeeze, she grabbed your hands in her frail ones, leading you towards the living room. 

Stopping her halfway, you let go of her hand before holding up the thermos full of warm soup that you had brought. 

“I’m going to put this away for now. Heat it up before you eat it, okay?” you instructed as you moved towards the kitchen, putting the soup to the side before moving your hair out of your face and tying on an apron. 

“And what exactly do you think you’re doing missy?” she said as she followed you into the kitchen, thin arms crossed across her chest.

“Doing your dishes, what else?” 

“Is anything I say going to make you stop?” she wondered out loud. 

“Fat chance,” you said as you rolled your eyes. 

“Well, you better hang around until the lasagna is done, I’ll pack some for Steve. Speaking of which, where is that boy?,” she said.

“Still at the shop I believe,” you answered, almost done with the few dishes. 

“I see,” she says, an odd look passing over her face but she doesn’t say anything further so you continue to work in a comfortable silence. 

Wiping your hands when you were done, you removed your apron and put it back in its place. “Alright ma, I should get going. Steve must be back by now,” you said as you took your bag, a large oven dish of lasagna in your hands, moving towards the door, only to be stopped by her. 

“Tell me my dear, have y’all thought about babies yet?” 

Furrowing your eyebrows, you look at her with a confused look. “We’ve decided to wait. And we’ve only been married a year now,” you answer. 

Laughing lightly, she squeezes your hand in hers before letting go. “Alright. You tell that boy to come see me soon, okay?” You nod and wave goodbye as you start walking home. Checking the time on your watch, you’re horrified to find it’s already quarter to seven and increasing your pace, almost running to get back home before Steve. You reach home with just five minutes before the clock strikes seven, having just enough time to freshen up and fix your hair before the doorbell rings. 

At the sight of you, a smile quickly overtakes his face which you can’t help but reciprocate. As soon as he walks in he has his arms around you, pulling you into a passionate kiss. You quickly push him away with a giggle, “At least wash your hands first!” 

“I can’t help myself when it comes to you,” he says, squeezing your ass which causes you to squeak. Laughing, he hangs his cap and goes to freshen up as you get to setting dinner out. 

At the table, you tell Steve of his mom’s request and he agrees, saying he’ll go see her on Sunday. 

“Any clue what this impromptu get-together at Bucky and Nat’s is about ?” 

“I tried but couldn’t get anything outta him. Guess we’ll only know tomorrow,” he shrugged. 

“I should call and ask if she needs any help,” you said after dinner once you were done with clearing the table and putting the leftovers in the fridge. Steve was in the living room with a book and a beer. You couldn’t afford a television just yet but Steve had been saving up and according to him, you’d be able to get one in a month or two. 

He hummed absentmindedly, which meant he wasn’t really paying attention. Sighing, you quickly rang Nat up. It was Bucky who answered the phone. 

“Hey, is Nat there?” you asked. 

“Sure, I’ll just put her on,” he said and you could hear him calling out to Natasha in the background. 

“Hello dear, to what do I owe this pleasure?” she laughed. 

Giggling, you reply “Just wanted to check if you needed any help for tomorrow. It was rather impromptu and I heard that everyone is coming,” to which she only huffed and said “I just require you and Steve to show up, that’s all. Now I got loads to do honey, I’ll see you tomorrow!” she said as she swiftly hung up leaving you a little stunned. 

“That was weird,” you think out loud as you sit down next to Steve on the couch, his arm immediately draping itself around your shoulder and pulling you into his body. You snuggle closer, a content sigh slipping from your lips. 

“Don’t think so much, it’s probably nothing,” he soothes, his fingers playing with the collar of your blouse. Oh, so he was listening. 

“But-“ you start, immediately silenced by Steve shushing you. “Enough about this. We’ll go there tomorrow and find out,” he chastises, his tone leaving no room for argument. 

Deciding to just let it go for now, you untangle yourself from Steve who lets you go albeit a bit reluctantly and get ready for bed. It takes you some time to fall asleep but with Steve’s arm around your waist, holding you close, you manage to get a few hours of rest. 

*

You fixed your pretty yellow sundress and checked your hair and makeup one last time in the mirror. Modest but tempting. Perfect. Just as you were about to call out to Steve, he emerged from the bath, freshly shaved. Still not dressed, you tilt your head towards the cupboard, urging him to get dressed quickly. 

Rolling his eyes playfully, selecting a simple khaki and the baby blue shirt you’d left out for him. Steve combed his hair back, following you out of your bedroom, watching you pack up his ma’s lasagna. You knew it was Bucky’s favourite, it was almost everybody’s favourite, having not let him eat any of it last night. 

You knew Nat hadn’t asked you to bring anything with you but your mama would never let you leave home for a party without a little something for the hosts. So here you were, outside Nat and Bucky’s door, a tray of lasagna in your hands and Steve’s arms around your waist. Bucky opened the door with a wide smile, a bottle of beer in his hand. 

“Come on in, kids!” He almost yelled, definitely a little tipsy. Smiling at him, you stepped inside and Steve closed the door behind the two of you. 

Sam and Wanda sat on the couch, each nursing their own bottle of beer and a glass of wine respectively. She smiled and waved at you, patting the couch on her side, inviting you to take a seat. Holding up the lasagna, you tilted your head, motioning towards the kitchen. 

Natasha and Wanda both drank occasionally. You didn’t though. Steve didn’t like you drinking, not even a beer on the occasion. It was all your fault really. 

It was your best friend from school Ella’s twentieth birthday. Just you and a couple of other people from your class decided to surprise her with a little get together near the lake by the old lighthouse. You knew there would be alcohol but as long as you didn’t drink too much and were aware of your surroundings, things would be fine right? 

Wrong. Steve had been by your parents house, looking for you and being told exactly where and with who you were, he couldn’t control his rage. He didn’t approve of ‘Ella and her posse of bimbos’, as he put it. You knew that and while you didn’t agree with him, it was the reason you couldn’t tell him about your whereabouts that night. 

When he finally found you, you were sitting on a little picnic blanket, half drunk bottle of beer in your hands, chatting away with Ella and her boyfriend. You were a little tipsy but immediately sobered up at the sight of Steve storming towards you. 

You quickly got up, dropping the bottle as it rolled off somewhere, the sound of your heart beating and the blood rushing through your veins deafening. Ella tried to intercept him, trying to get him to stop and talk but he just ignored her and continued to walk towards you, grabbing hold of your upper arm. You yelped loudly at how tight his grip was, trying to get him to let go of you as he dragged you away from the lake and towards his motorcycle. 

At a distance from the lake, he finally let go of your arm, pinching the bridge of his nose, eyes shut. 

“Ste-,”

“Shut up. I don’t want a word out of you,” he spat. 

You quickly shut your mouth, taking a step back from him. 

“How many times, huh? How many fucking times have I told you to stay away from that girl? And yet, here you are, dressed like a slut, drinking away with that stupid whore and her friends,” he says viciously, taking a step forward for each one you took back until you were backed up against a tree. 

You were terrified. You’d never seen him this angry before, at least not at you. 

“You are never to see that girl again, do you understand?” he barks, causing you to nod your head so hard, you thought your neck might snap. 

“Good. Let’s get you home. Put this on,” he says as he holds up his jacket for you which you promptly slip on, following him to his motorcycle. You don’t even realise when you start crying, the tears streaming down your face making the skin burn against the harsh wind. 

When you finally reached home, you got off wordlessly, shrugging off his jacket which was hanging from your smaller frame and handing it to him. You turned to walk back towards the front door only to be stopped by him grabbing your wrist and pulling you toward him. 

At the sight of the wet trails streaking your face, a flash of guilt passes in his eyes but it’s gone just as quickly as it arrived. 

“You know I’m saying this because I care about you, okay? I don’t want anything bad happening to you, you know that right?” 

You can only nod numbly, as he gives you a small smile and a peck on the lips before gesturing for you to go back in, watching you till you’ve gone inside and locked the front door. 

Of course, you wouldn’t talk to him for days after that. Ignoring his phone calls or having your mama pick up the phone, telling him you weren’t home when he came knocking. 

You made him grovel and plead, letting him know just how angry you were but in the end, you gave in. You loved him, with his flaws and all. 

Pulling yourself out of your little daydream, you walked towards the kitchen where you could hear Natasha moving about. As you walked, you admired the picture frames that adorned the walls. You loved Nat and Bucky’s house, so happy and full of memories. You couldn’t wait to have that with Steve. 

“Now, didn’t I tell you not to get anything? I’m cooking up a storm here, who’s gonna eat all of this?” She questioned, her hands on her hips, over mitts on her hands and a frilly apron on. 

You laughed and moved closer to give her a quick peck on her cheek, putting the lasagna on the counter. 

“It’s Sarah’s lasagna. You don’t have to worry about it going to waste,” you tried. 

“Oh, I know. But you know my cooking can’t compare to hers!” She complained mockingly. Sharing a laugh, you start helping about, feeling odd just standing there doing nothing. She lets you help but refuses to tell you why she wanted everyone to come over when you tried to  ask. 

You had to give it to her though, she really had outdone herself. As you helped her take the food to the table, you were in awe. Tuna noodle casserole, beef stroganoff and mashed potatoes completed with the perfect buttermilk pie. The sight alone made your mouth water and tummy grumble. 

At the delicious scent wafting from the dining table, everyone slowly poured in, each of them grabbing a plate and loading it up. You couldn’t wait to dig in, everything looked mouthwatering. Jokes were made and compliments given, you made to take a bite but were immediately stopped by the conversation taking place across from where you and Steve sat. 

Bucky was urging Natasha to take a bigger helping of the mashed potatoes. While that was not particularly surprising, the next bit caused everyone to stop and stare. 

“You really should take some more,” he says, adding another heap of the potatoes to her plate, “you’re eating for two now.” 

You’d never heard silence quite this loud, everyone stopped midway, staring at Natasha and Bucky. Not Clint’s children of course, they couldn’t be bothered by much. They were busy stuffing their little faces with the feast Nat had prepared. 

After a minute or two of utter silence, a cheer broke out and Natasha and Bucky sighed, exchanging small smiles of relief. 

You, along with Laura and Wanda got up almost simultaneously, rushing around to envelop Natasha in a giant bear hug, who had started crying at this point. The boys were all congratulating Bucky, patting him on the back and making lewd jokes. The children seemed clueless as to what the fuss was all about but declared their merriment by making various noises as well. 

When everyone has settled down, continuing with their meals, the relative silence is broken by Wanda, “We get to be godparents, right?” She questions, motioning between herself and Sam. That’s when Steve pipes up, “You guys are already godparents to Cooper. I think it’s our turn.” 

“Exactly! What do you say Natty?” You wiggle your eyebrows playfully at her. 

Huffing a laugh, she adds “We’ll cross that bridge when we get to it. Can we just enjoy this lovely meal I worked so hard to make?” 

This shuts everyone up, again passing praises and compliments her way. Once the meal came to a close, it was already well past the kids' bedtime so Clint and Laura took off, followed by Sam and a rather tipsy Wanda. You stayed back to help Natasha clean up, despite her protests. 

“You’re a pregnant woman and I’m already mad enough you did all of this by yourself. You should be ashamed of yourself Barnes, letting your pregnant wife do all the work,” you chastised. 

“Sorry ma’am,” he says, holding his hands up in mock surrender. Steve chuckles but otherwise stays quiet. 

When you’re done with most of the dishes and having packed up the few leftovers, you and Steve take your leave, walking back hand in hand in the silent darkness. 

Your Steve, you know him well. And you can tell, just by one look in his face that there’s a lot on his mind. You know better from experience that when he’s in such moods, it’s best to leave him alone. He’ll tell you what’s on his mind before bed, you know it for sure. 

So for now, you just walk home, swinging your joined hands back and forth as he’s lost in his own head. 

Done getting ready for bed, you slip under the covers, waiting for Steve to join you. You don’t have to wait long, just as you pick up your book for some reading before bed, he slips under the covers, snatching the book from your hand. Your protest is short lived as he pulls you close into a bruising kiss. 

His lips travel down your throat, trailing wet kisses down to your collarbone before you stop him as he moves to pull your silk slip over your head. 

“What’s on your mind? You’ve been quiet all evening,” you grab his cheek in your hand, making him look at you. 

He sighs loudly, moving away to sit back against the headboard. 

“C’mon Steve, tell me.” 

You move closer to him, placing a gentle hand on his shoulder. Just as you’re about to urge him to say something he interrupts you. 

“Let’s have a baby.” 

You’re quiet for a while and he takes your silence as a request to continue. 

“It’s been on my mind for so long. We’ll start with one. For now. I can’t wait for our home to be filled with little ones. I just —I’ve been thinking of this for so long. The fact that Nat and Bucky are expecting just solidified my decision. Don’t you want a baby?” 

Swallowing, you plan out your words carefully before opening your mouth. 

“We’re not ready Stevie. You know this. We’ve been married what, a year now? I thought we decided to wait,” you try. 

“But I don’t want to wait anymore! Can’t you see? There’s no time like now to start trying,” he raises his voice and you flinch away from him. 

“I don’t know Stevie. I’m really tired, we’ll talk about this tomorrow, okay?” 

“No!” He shouts, “I want to talk about this now. We’re ready. I know we’re ready,” he reaffirms, grabbing you by your arms to hold you close. 

“Steve, we’re not. We’re nowhere ready for a baby. We’ve just begun saving, can we even support a child right now?” You try to make him see some sense but it backfires tremendously. 

“Really? I work so hard for you, for us, but that’s not enough for you, is it? You’re such an ungrateful little bitch, aren’t you?” His tone and his hurtful words immediately cause your eyes to fill, a couple errant tears slipping down. His grip on you is painful, almost bruising.

At the sight of your eyes brimming, tears streaking their way down your pretty face, his anger dissipates and his face fills with worry. He moves forward to cup your face in his hands, but you flinch away from him, pulling the covers back and stepping out of bed with your pillow in hand. 

“I-uh- I’ll take the couch,” you stutter out, sniffling between every word. 

“No, no, no. Baby I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean it. I’m so sorry, please come back to bed,” he says, scrambling out of bed as you continue towards the door. 

“No, please baby. I’m sorry, please come back to bed,” he pleads, getting on his knees in front of you, wrapping his strong arms around your waist and holding you in place, his chin resting on your soft stomach. 

He looks up at you with eyes quickly filling with tears, threatening to overflow. Your heart melts at the sight and you close your eyes, nodding your head slowly and he sighs, burying his face into your stomach, his tears causing your slip to dampen slightly. 

“I’m so sorry baby, I didn’t mean it. I’m so sorry,” his voice comes out muffled but you understand him anyway. 

You nod your head, telling him you’ll think about kids. You really would. That night he held you close after making love to you, almost as if he was afraid you’d slip out into the darkness in the middle of the night. He whispered the deepest of apologies and praises into your ear as he drew orgasm after orgasm from your prone body. 

You knew he regrets what he said. You were well aware that he wanted a big family. Growing up, it had always been just him and his Ma. His father was hardly ever home and when he was, he was too drunk to care about much. He aspired to be everything that his father wasn’t, a real family man. 

And you know you want to give him that but you need some time, you haven’t even been married that long. And you will think about it much more seriously now. What’s wrong with having a child? He works so hard for you, to make sure you’re not left needing anything, can’t you do at least this much for him? You’re home all day anyway, it’s not like you have a job like Nat. Plus, you’re lucky to have him and that he cares about you and what you want. Most men wouldn’t have bothered asking their wives if and when they wanted children. You find your resolve weakening. You will tell him that you’re ready to start trying and it’s unlikely you will fall pregnant on the first try. You have some time, you tell yourself all the while trying to smother that voice inside you that whispers, ‘You should wait’. 

[bitchesgetriches]

How Abusive Workplaces Mirror Abusive Relationships

Earlier this year, Piggy and I delivered a speech on the subject of burnout. That there’s an appetite for advice on this subject among women’s professional associations will, perhaps, not shock you?

As I was researching the impact that burnout has on the body, I got an eerie feeling that the symptoms seemed familiar. I wondered if I’d already written something on this topic and forgotten. (We’ve written several hundred articles apiece, so it happens!)

But no! What was tripping my extremely faulty memory triggers wasn’t a past article about burnout.

It was a past article on domestic violence.

Keep reading.

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[cptsd-kitsune]

[alwaysbewoke]

[neuroticboyfriend]

abusiveness and predation is not unique to men. abusive women (and the abuse of men for that matter) are much, much more common than you think. if your support for abuse survivors only extends to women or people who were abused by men, you don't actually support survivors.

so to all the survivors who aren't women, and the survivors whose abusers weren't men: i believe you, and i see you. you deserve to be safe and supported. you are not alone. your pain and suffering matters just as much as others' does. what happened to you is just as awful, and i'm wishing you so much healing and happiness.

[catgirl-catboy]

Fictional Universes play by different rules than real life, and not all fictional universes play by the SAME rules.

IRL, hitting someone without their consent is assault. No, ifs, ands, or buts about it.

In fiction, sometimes it is assault. Other times, it is slapstick comedy and not meant to be taken seriously between the characters.

Unless you can acknowledge this, I don't think you can have a productive conversation about if a ship is toxic or not in the context of its own universe.

[sapphic-sex-ed]

i looked on your abuse tag for a while and didn’t see that you answered this but if i’m wrong lmk. any tips on how to pull a friend out of an abusive relationship? i know i can’t control her but she asked me to tell her when her relationship starts to look like what mine did and when i told her she didn’t listen and now she’s getting back with the same person after 3 days. i know i’m not supposed to control her but i don’t know what to do besides an ultimatum at this point. hoping someone else has better advice before i do that.

Thank you for asking this highly relevant question. I'm sorry your friend is in a bad relationship and I'm sorry you have been through this as well - abuse is too common and that's why I'm glad you asked. We all need this information.

Most people's first instinct when their loved one seems to be in an unhealthy relationship is to raise the question with them. How people do this differs, and I would always opt for what's called curious exploration (open questions about the relationship and reflections of the emotions your loved one expresses) over confrontation, as the latter seldom is productive. In your case, anon, you raised it as agreed upon beforehand but your friend wasn't receptive to your thoughts. This, too, is common.

In my experience with clients in a abusive relationships, there is a lot of shame tied up into being a "victim", one of several reasons "survivor" is a preferred term. To imply or explicitly state that their relationship seems abusive can in instances when they're not ready to hear that yet lead to resistance and a deeper commitment to said relationship. The genuine concern for their safety is taken as criticism of themselves and their own person, usually as there probably exists some doubts and insecurities already. When we are already insecure we tend to become more protective of whatever it is we are insecure about. For this reason I would stray from words such as 'abuse' or even 'unhealthy'. Not to say that labeling abuse as abuse cannot be a relief to some - when they are ready for it it can be very cathartic for somebody else to see and acknowledge their experiences as abuse - but they need to be further along in their acceptance and insight for that to work.

As people who care about them, it can be difficult to see a loved one stay with or go back to an abusive partner. We want them to be safe and happy and to us it seems obvious that the source of their misery is the abusive partner. But abusive relationships aren't always all bad all the time. That's how we get stuck. It's like a slot machine. It can be helpful for some to speak about their relationships like a behavioral addiction - the mechanisms are similar or the same. That's what the actual definition of love-bombing is, btw. The increase in loving behaviors by an abuser right before or right after a bad abusive episode meant to keep the victim in the relationship. Because of this pattern - tension, incident, reconciliation (honeymoon phase or love-bombing), calm - it can be difficult for the person being abused to see the abuse, as it's not all bad all the time. That hope that the love-bombing or calm phases will prevail is what is so addictive about the abusive relationship. "This time maybe it will work out".

For us who see the abuse, we want to support our loved one, and the first instinct if usually to get them to leave. As discussed, that's not an easy task. It's common for abused partners (speaking explicitly about IPV, but any type of domestic violence regardless of relationship works similarly, although leaving may look different when the abuser is a relative) to leave the abuser between 3 to 11 times before they leave for good. Some never leave. What abuse does, at its core, is strip us of agency and dignity. We become dependent and degraded. If somebody else then comes along, no matter how good their intentions, and tells us that we must leave that too is stripping of agency and will be met with resistance. The change needs to come from within the abused person themselves.

Confrontation creates tension both within you as a friend and within the loved one you're trying to help, and can lead you to drift apart, especially if the abused feel like you are judgemental of their relationship. We don't want this to happen. Isolation is one of the main tools an abuses utilizes, consciously or not (because while some people are just cruel and consciously abuse others, a lot of the time the abuser is only half-way aware of what they are doing), to keep their victim in the relationship. Instead, what we want to do is offer support on the abused person's terms. Don't try to persuade them to leave. Instead offer support like a place to stay if they need it. Or a shoulder to cry on and an ear to listen. Just doing friendship things and preventing isolation. What somebody needs will be based on their relationship and other social and psychological factors. If the abuse is physical they may need somebody who can drive them to the ER. Or if the abuse is more psychological (not mutually exclusive obviously) they may need somebody they can call at any hour to cry. Economical abused people may need someone who can open an account for them to stash away money or such. Ask your friend what they need if they are open to that. Or if you notice something they might need help with if you can do that for them. If they are very downtrodden and lack the ability to decide if they want help with X thing, you can speak in statements like "I will do X thing for you when you need me to".

When it comes to talking about the relationship, I use a lot of elements om motivational interviewing (MI) when I meet people in abusive relationships. You're not a therapist or a counselor, you're a friend, but the core tenets of MI are based in compassion and evoking change through that. To use skills like active listening, simple and complex emotional reflections, and open questions to bring to surface the person's own reasoning are not outside the scope of a layperson. To hear yourself say something aloud often makes it easier for us to hear the flaws in our own reasoning because now it's not just an internal thought, now we hear it as others do, and that is what using MI elements does. Again, you're not a therapist, but to use active listening skills is good in any private relationship.

I hope this was helpful. I also invite followers to share their tips from experience both as survivor and friend of survivors.

-mod liz

[furiousgoldfish]

When you're continually berated and punished for something, even something harmless or normal, it's going to feel like a 'wrong' thing to do, or to be. If your appearance is constantly insulted, it's going to feel like you 'look wrong', if your curiosity is being shut down and attacked, you'll start to perceive your own positive traits as bad, annoying and wrong.

Abusers especially love to punish any 'standing up to them', or 'questioning their intentions', and 'getting rightfully angry at them'. Or, god forbid 'attempt at creating boundaries'. Those will get shut down and punished very fast, and you will instead be 'corrected', and 'told how to think and how to act instead'. So you'll be told that the correct thing to do is to stay silent, not voice your thoughts, not talk back, repress and stuff down your anger and sense of justice indefinitely, don't believe you have any right to deny abusers anything they might want of you. And you always, always have to assume their intentions are what's best for you, for everybody, or at least, each and every of their actions has good reasons behind them.

I was trained to think like this as a child, and thought it was in fact, wrong to ever make a negative assumption about anyone's behaviour; this in fact will make them act bad! I thought the only correct way to behave was to defend and try to rationalize and understand any kind of disgusting behaviour. To the point where even when looking at the fictional characters, or people who had nothing to do with me, I would always attempt to see what had happened to those people and understand their motivationss for doing evil. I even mistakenly thought that this was some depth of character and a way to see nuance and good in everybody, I thought it was a positive trait of mine that I tried to understand everybody. It would later prove to be a vulnerability, since I  never extended the same grace to myself, and nor did anyone else.

Understanding why people do what they do makes sense if you're talking about friends, people who understand you back. It makes sense if you're trying to extend compassion for victims, trying to understand how they felt during what was done to them, and why they reacted in the way they did. It makes sense if you're trying to understand how the world works, and if you want to attempt to make changes. It even makes sense if you look at why abusers do what they do – but in that case, you can't look at their perspective for the answers. What they do is explained perfectly in what it accomplishes.

If constant berating, humiliating and shaming their victims accomplishes to ruin the victim's self esteem, being too scared to stand up to the abuser, struggling to socialize and ending up alone, isolated and more vulnerable to the abuse – then that's exactly what it accomplishes. If abuser's violence, threats, blackmail and manipulation hold the victim hostage, make the victim scared to run, scared to fight back, scared to disobey, scared to put the end to the abuse – thats what it accomplishes. If abusers control of victim's finances, appearance, social life, behaviour, activities and work gains the abuser the ability to control this person's life, and extract as much labour, catering, emotional care, and lack of a fight at violations and pain, that's exactly what it accomplishes!

A person's past doesn't come with instructions to hold someone hostage and hurt them indefinitely, no history will accidentally cause this. It cannot be explained by past experiences, because no past experiences get resolved by controlling another person to one's pleasure and benefit. Nobody is predisposed by their past to engage in intimate violation of another person's well being and integrity, hold it secret, and stop this person from defending themselves or running away. This is learned, calculated, purposeful, intentional and self-aware behaviour (or they wouldn't hide it, would they?).

Why they do what they do lies in what they get out of it. They wouldn't be doing it otherwise. You don't need their history to explain it, because the reasoning is very simple: they want to, they can, and they think they can get away with it. Difficult and painful past can cause a person to isolate themselves, to fear others, to struggle with emotions, trust, panic, triggers, to avoid situations where another thing like that could happen, to struggle with eating, to not be sure how to properly form bonds and connections, how to socialize, how to get close to people, or how to get separated when things get bad. But it doesn't cause a person to blatantly lie, fake, untruthfully promise and manipulate another to believe they're being loved, only to lure them into a hostage situation where they're not allowed to be a person anymore, not allowed to even voice what's happening to them. Nobody does this accidentally or because they 'don't know any better'. They do it with calculation because their intention is to exploit and harm for benefits. And that's not something to defend, in fact once you understand it, you know there is no possible defense in the world.

And to circle back to the beginning of this post, they shut down your curiosity because curiosity results in new knowledge, and any new information you get is a threat to them; curiosity is a powerful and desirable trait to have! Nothing was ever wrong with your appearance, they just prefer if you don't go outside and feel too ashamed of yourself to ever examine whatever is wrong with them; it's to keep you in shame and self doubt so you wouldn't notice how unworthy the abuser is of you. You standing up to others and fighting for what's right is not only a positive trait; it demands courage, integrity and personal strength to do that. And being suspicious when it comes to someone's intentions can save you mountains of trouble and abuse. You have every right to doubt what people are saying, every reason to notice if things are a little too convenient, little too unbelievable. It shows a clear mind and unclouded judgment - which, I can't judge you if you don't have, because I don't have it either.

People with good motivations don't need their actions defended, because the motivations are reflected in their acts, not their words. Anyone who needs you to defend them when they do evil, likely does not deserve it. Anyone who would have a problem with your appearance, curiosity, courage, strength, reasoning and distrust, could only have it because they don't like how you can see trough them, and fight them on their abuse. All of these traits should earn you respect and dignity.

[whumpybobbert]

[c-ptsdrecovery]

This website has some quizzes to see whether your romantic relationship is healthy and what to do if it isn't. If you've got some suspicions that your relationship might not be healthy or that your partner's behavior might constitute abuse, I encourage you to take the quizzes to get an objective opinion!

[daughterofanarcissistwoman]