alexxisokay

[alexxisokay]

connect 4

My heart is heavy today.

Each year on this day I feel worse then normal. 

more sad, more anxious, 

more lonely than normal. 

All I want is to be loved, so my brain tricks me,

playing games as if it were connect 4; 

Putting a few pieces together

trying to create the perfect row. 

Grasping at the little things,

desperately trying to form some type of pattern, 

anything will do; I just need it to work. 

Please, God, let it work. 

Tell me I’m not crazy and that this pattern is feasible.

tell me I’m not unrealistic or absurd.

tell me that I can do it and that it’ll happen;

Just tell me I’m not holding onto nothing. 

I only want to win one round, 

I’m not greedy, I swear.

But I’m playing with his ghost, with the idea of him 

because his chips went missing once I got two in a row, 

he didn’t want to play anymore. 

He never wanted to play at all. 

connect 4

[alexxisokay]

dear chloe,

In our next life, I hope to find you as early as I did 

in this one. 

that we’ll get to be girls together again, and nothing or no one can stop us. 

I hope that as we age, 

My memories with you remain bright and easy to come back to on bad days. 

our friendship is branded on my soul 

so as everything else fades away,

I’ll remember the time we spent together

and the sound of your laugh. 

I’ll remember the way you made me feel 

and how doing nothing was everything. 

no matter how far we are,

states or planets away,

I know i’ll find you and we’ll come back 

together again. 

 - dear chloe, 

[alexxisokay]

'negativity is the enemy of creativity' - david lynch

[alexxisokay]

"But my ache to be loved is what makes me a good writer." - alexxisokay.

[alexxisokay]

to be in love

Oh to be in love again,

to let someone new see the sides 

of my soul I keep closest to my heart,

tucked away, only for me to see.

To feel the soft, tender touch of hands

that aren’t my own, 

holding me close

as our bodies lay intertwined.

To be vulnerable with someone new,

learn them inside and out as we 

blend into each other’s lives, 

knowing one another fully.

To be two whole people who come together

and fill each others cracks,

that is the kind of love I am searching for.

Oh to be in love again,

to let my mind wander to the thought of them. 

The daydreams of our conversations would cross my mind

like a car taking back roads to enjoy the view, 

quiet and sweet,

wanting to savor the serenity of the moment 

wishing it would last forever but knowing that it can’t;

all roads must come to an end.

To be in love is to invite in hurt and loss. 

Wearing my heart on my sleeve 

has left scars that were not from my hands.

To be full of love and not find the right person 

is a cruel fate for a hopeless romantic,

but I will not let those who weren’t worthy of my love

taint my perspective. 

Oh to be in love like a child is with their favorite toy, 

The innocent joy and gentle attachment is a warmth I crave. 

I know one day I’ll receive it 

but oh, how long to find that reciprocated love. 

the love as warm as the summer sun, 

refreshing as the cool wind 

and the love that is 

destined to last for all eternity;

through this lifetime. 

and the next. 

to be in love

[alexxisokay]

birthday gifts

It’s your birthday today.

I forgot until I remembered. 

I wonder if you’ll think about me today

Since you said the gifts I got you 

Were some of the best you’ve 

Ever received. 

I wonder if you still wear the pajama pants I got you 

And if you kept that picture of me on your camera. 

I wonder what you told your friends about our falling out, 

What the picture of me you painted for them looks like. 

I keep thinking about how

Different things chould have been 

If I respected myself enough to 

Voice my opinions and feelings when 

I had them, but I didn’t. 

Then I remember all of the lies

You told me.

The anxiety and discomfort

You caused. 

You used me because I didn’t know better. 

I knew how to make myself perfect for you, 

But you couldn’t even bring yourself 

To be good to me.  

birthday gifts

[alexxisokay]

what a sad story

I don’t think I will ever feel my size,

And I don’t mean physically. 

I mean that no matter how far I go, 

Or what great achievements 

I get along the way, 

I will always feel like 

A small child.

A guppy in too big of a bowl, 

So all I do is hide. 

I might grow to be the same size as the other fish

But at the end of the day,

I’m still the same as I was.

A baby, 

Forced to hide in a world where 

all she wanted was 

to be seen. 

What a sad story

[alexxisokay]

If love was contagious, I might be immune to it.

It’s not fair.

Why do you get to be in a happy,

Committed, year long relationship

When you were the one who was disloyal.

You played me and ripped my heart out of my chest 

And out of the two of us, 

you get the happy ending?

Never once did I wrong you,

I know you know that.

Why can’t I be lucky in the game of love this time? 

I just want to be loved 

And cherished 

The way I do for others. 

I’m so in love with love and being in love, 

But I don’t experience it fully because it’s never the same

On both sides. 

You got a girlfriend and I got cheated on, again. 

It’s not fair

It’s not fair

It’s not fair

It’s not fucking fair.

I think I’ll always resent you 

Because unlike yours, 

My memories of you are so bitter 

I convinced myself they were sweet,

But sugar dissolves. 

If love was contagious, I might be immune to it.

[alexxisokay]

summer depression

I have a love-hate relationship with the summer, 

I love her warmth and gentle breeze 

But I hate the uncertainty that comes along with her months. 

I don’t know what these 8 weeks will hold,

Although the cards don’t seem to be in my favor this year

As my last summer as a teenager continues to 

Slowly slip out of my grasp. 

As the people I love keep moving further and further away from me,

Soon coming home will feel more like solitary confinement

Then a place of joyful nostalgia.

But, Was it ever joyful to begin with?

I don’t know, but I know the people made it better.

Without them, all I’m left with is the walls of the house

That made me half a person. 

summer depression

[alexxisokay]

It’s really over

The last time I saw you 

was at our highschool graduation.

 I didn’t realize it in the moment, 

but that was the last time I’d ever see you. 

You’re going to move forward with your life,

like I will

and I will never see the side of you 

I once knew,

ever again. 

We’re not those kids anymore,

I don’t think we have been for a long time. 

You never realize how drastically 

things can change in a year, 

until they do. 

It’s really over

[alexxisokay]

bloody stained hands

You bled all over everything, 

And I’m left trying to clean up the mess.

I’ll scrub the floor clean 

Until my fingers bleed

But that won’t rid me of you. 

The blood has already stained, 

And you know stains don’t go away. 

Bloody stained hands 

[alexxisokay]

i lost a part of me because of you

I want to say that you didn’t make me cold,

That although you hurt me

I would come out the other side 

As I was before, 

But that would be a lie.  

You touched my heart and soul

In ways I did not expect,

In ways I did not want. 

Yet it happened anyway.

Not only am I mourning the loss of you, 

I am mourning the loss of who I was before you,

Stuck with the new version of myself  

I never wanted to become.  

I lost a part of me because of you

[alexxisokay]

the conclusion

Today I found out I was right, 

You do love another 

And had been talking with her 

The entire time. 

Maybe I should feel a 

sense of relief,

But I don’t

Because I liked the fact that  

I could coming up with my own ending, 

An interpretation of the way you felt. 

That maybe you’d be feeling some type

Of guilt, but I was wrong. 

You’re used to this, 

jumping from person to person

Without letting anyone get too close. 

That’s more rewarding to you,

Crafting the perfect lie no one can 

See through. 

Yet I did

And that’s why you left. 

I tried to see you as you are

Which you clearly weren’t a big fan of. 

I hope your new girl fills the void in your heart, 

Satisfies your need to be needed  

Without breaking through the surface. 

We were never going to last, 

But the time was going to pass us anyway, 

And I’m glad you were the lesson that came into my life.

Because although I don’t like to admit it, 

I wouldn’t have wanted to pass the time with anyone else. 

“We don’t get to choose if we get hurt in this world, but we do have some say in who hurts you and I like my choices”  

The Conclusion 

[alexxisokay]

you cared about my skin more than you cared about me

To you, 

All I was, 

Was skin. 

Something for you to touch,

And rub up on.  

Now i’m another name on your

List of bodies,

Drowned out by the others that came before 

And the ones that’ll come after. 

You’ll forget about me soon enough,

But I won’t

Because you were never just skin to me. 

I saw you, 

At least the version of you

you let me see 

And I accepted it wholeheartedly

Because I never saw you as a body. 

I saw you as a boy who was hurting and needed someone to

Help get him back on his feet, 

Make him feel cared about. 

I tried my best and you never did,

You made me feel replaceable.

I mean you were talking to other people

The whole time

But I never brought it up 

Because we never dated

And again, 

All I was to you, was skin. 

Someone you could have sex with whenever 

You wanted to because I didn’t know better.

There were times when I didn’t want to have sex

And we would anyway because I knew it’s what you wanted.

I didn’t want to say no, 

So I convinced myself otherwise because 

I just wanted to be close to you. 

To lay down

And have you kiss me without 

There being another motivation behind it,

But that never happened 

And now your gone

You cared about my skin more than you cared about me 

[alexxisokay]

we never knew each-other

you were right, 

I don’t know you. 

I know the cookie cutter version of you 

because even though you say you can’t lie ,

you did it to me so easily. 

I know the person you’ve crafted yourself into, 

pulling out the best parts of yourself

then lying about the rest. 

But why?

if you thought I was the kind of girl

who wasn’t a snooper, 

oh boy were you wrong. 

you lied about your artwork,

your tattoo,

about your family, 

your car,

and you broke a pinky promise.

those aren’t just little things,

not to me anyway.

That’s just the stuff I know about

I’m sure there are plenty more lies you’ve told me,

Part of me wants to know what else there is

and another part of me doesn’t. 

I want to live in what little blissful ignorance I have left. 

Believing that you meant what you said when you paused mid conversation

to say how much you enjoyed talking to me, 

or when you brushed my hair behind my ear

telling me how pretty I am;

I don’t want that to be fake. 

you lied to me with such ease

and lied to me about your lying like it was nothing, 

I was just stupid enough to believe you. 

It sucks that seeing someone as they are

ruins them,

but if you were a good person

it would’t have changed a thing. 

we never knew each-other

[alexxisokay]

you can't run from home

I am the product of a shaken home. 

A passive father, 

a narcissistic mother, 

and an angry older brother 

by my side,

creating a sad daughter with 

emotions bigger then 

herself. 

I don’t like remembering

why I am the way I am,

trauma put that away in a lock box 

with a key for a reason. 

I am not supposed to remember,

only deal with the fall out. 

you can't run from home

[alexxisokay]

you don't know me

You said that I don’t know you, 

But I know you much more

Then you know me

And never once have 

I felt the need to mention it. 

You have no idea 

Who I am. 

You don’t know me