b4tkill4

[b4tkill4]

fake men

people starving and going naked in this land of too much to eat and too much to wear. you ripped your sackcloth and bled your tears as the flashes of fame printed your falsetto of shame by the pound.

i couldn't look at you.

i couldn't stand you.

your money fanned over the gold beads of sweat from the weary. the children with torn hands.

your pride as your bread, and my blood as your drink.

i can't stand you.

[b4tkill4]

“bruise logic”

i used to think healing meant

clenching my jaw through the stitch,

walking on sprained self-worth

just to say i moved forward.

i thought love was

pressing down on the bruise

to prove it was real.

but now—

i wrap myself in silence

the way you’d dress a wound,

not to ignore the blood,

but to keep the flies off.

i don’t call it weakness

when i rest.

i call it respect.

because i am skin

and scar

and something stubborn beneath

that still believes in me.

i clean the cuts with kindness now.

no more rubbing salt,

no more “this will teach you.”

just me,

with a steady hand,

learning not to flinch

when it’s me who reaches in.

[b4tkill4]

Thank you to everyone who got me to 100 likes!

[b4tkill4]

"almost."

i loved you in the silence—

when no one else was watching.

when your voice was a whisper in my head,

and not a promise.

i memorized the way

you almost reached for me,

like the moment before rain,

or the pause between “hi” and “i missed you.”

we never made it.

we just stood on the edge of something

that could’ve been

if we weren’t so scared,

or stubborn,

or stupid.

and maybe that’s what hurts most—

not the loss,

but the fact that

we never even got far enough

to lose.

[b4tkill4]

-to be able to move gently, decisively, without being commanded to. to matter, even when no one's watching.

[b4tkill4]

inner

writhing iron sifted into the template. my truth sword. it's too reflective for its own good.

i held it on my back, hidden under my clothes. it got heavy sometimes.

i needed someone to give it to, but the dagger could easily hurt them.

it could easily hurt me.

you asked for it gently. ok.

i watched your eyes as i handed it over.

my chest already felt impaled.

[b4tkill4]

i don't want you. i distract my mind to a glimpse of you; focused like a camera.

i distract my mind to what i expect your thoughts to be. to what they're capable of.

you're not you in my mind.

i don't want you.

[b4tkill4]

latibulate

i've hidden

in the cracks of my teeth

searching with fear

for the grumble of your voice

but the only echoes

that roar in the silence

are the drops of my tears.

[b4tkill4]

forever a "i understand" with a constant heavy heart

[b4tkill4]

gently

i want you to hold my heart

with cupped hands. to let it beat without you squeezing.

im scared for it to flutter,

terrified to let it jump.

delicate veins bundle around the meat,

muddy with my blood.

i wish you'd call it pretty.

i wish you'd hold it, gently,

with cupped hands.

[b4tkill4]

inure

the crowd's voices stirred in the bowling pot of the room. i didn't bother looking up.

i lost you a while ago. i didn't want to go back. i don't know why.

even if i did, the energy to explain would be too painful.

i held my breath and whisked behind people. a shadowy thing hiding from the bright colors.

i used to be bright,

i think;

whilst swallowing more pills lodged in my throat.

[b4tkill4]

o7

[b4tkill4]

dog food

the sides of your lips perked up. my stomach thickened like sour milk.

you,

you made me sick.

buttering me up with your promises, ones that poked at me like needles as i melted around the metal.

id never felt such confusion, which is saying a lot.

expertly, people just like you had tossed their ripped clothes at my face. a recycling bin, they said in their hearts.

no, you thought you could bind me under your fork and knife.

for a mutt, i'm finally learning how to bite.

[b4tkill4]

garbage

i grieved in the dead of night,

drinking my tears by candlelight.

my fears deemed true,

sorrowful, filled with you.

how could i be so brokenhearted in my favorite corset.

tightened, the metal stabbed deep. my heart was wet.

wet with the air that scratched at my skin.

i hate you, yet i tossed myself into the bin.

[b4tkill4]

too much (or too little?)

pressed against my bottom lip. red lines traced over my cuticles. i nibbled the edge of my fingers,

sitting on the cold, wet floor. the light flickered above me, though the room stayed dim.

no windows.

i wheezed as the clippings lodged in my throat. oh, how i ached for the taste of something sweet.

dried clothes sat in the corner in a neat pile. i kicked it clean over until it was a crumpled mess.

i laid in it, my lashes half lidded.

i've forgotten how i looked like. honestly, i didn't want to know.

you tell me enough already.

[b4tkill4]

dolor para no one

i saw the splintered wall. the cement, littered with knives.

they looked so tempting,

the little voice told me.

how reflective the metal was. how gorgeously sharp the tip looked to my eye. oh, i couldn't help it.

my digits tapped at the surface slightly. i tittered under my breath.

i hadn't pressed hard enough for it to sting. the anxious bubbles waved under my skin.

the little voice came back.

i looked back at the locked closet door. it was just me,

no matter if i felt the dim light of my own reflection from the blades.

i wasn't leaving any time soon, huh?

[b4tkill4]

roots

a plant loosened from the soil. its delicate roots torn.

you really thought you could keep it alive in bare water, huh?

grabbed from the ground, the stalk bends a tad.

the weeds that couldn't get to it began to eat up the remains, gobbling the dirt that held it's scent.

it began to wither in this glass pool. how dare you.