bad-brain-thoughts

[bad-brain-thoughts]

my ocd is getting bad again.

i cant eat anything without believing it’s moldy, contaminated, or poisoned.

i cant sit anywhere without feeling like i need to cry because i have the germs on me.

i cant even sit down in my bed after i showered for the day unless i spray it with disinfectant first. even tho i don’t even go near my bed without changing into clean, fresh clothes, and using excess amounts of hand sanitizer before touching anything.

cant even shower right. if i don’t double everything, im not clean. have to shampoo twice, conditioner sits in my hair after shampoo til the end of my shower, but if it gets rinsed out even the slightest i have to redo it, have to body wash two times.. mess up any of the routine and i have start over.

i cant walk anywhere in my house with just socks on, i have to have on slippers. but specific slippers for specific places. walking into the kitchen/living room i can wear my gray slippers, but laundry room and bathroom i can only wear my crocs. cant wear either in my bedroom though.

i feel so defeated.

[bad-brain-thoughts]

days like today, it makes me wonder if it’s worth it to keep trying.

but then i remember my cats,

and my little sister,

and my car,

and realize that even though it’s silly and that they don’t know the pain i’m in mentally, they still need me.

my cats need me to feed them, and play with them.

my sister needs my advice, and my knowledge of life.

my car needs me to drive it, and maintain its health.

i don’t need myself, but they need me.

so i think i will keep trying. at least another day.

[bad-brain-thoughts]

i’m tired of people romanticizing mental illnesses.

Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) is NOT being “cute and quirky needing everything to be organized 🤪🤪”

while there is a subtype of OCD needing things organized, it’s much more than just that. if you don’t have something organized the way it “needs” to be in your brain, then you freak out and panic and more times than not, ur brain convinces you something incredibly bad is going to happen. (i.e - if this blue wire isn’t right next to the purple wire, my house will burn down and hurt my entire family.) of course, it isn’t that extreme for every individual who has OCD, but for a majority.

it is also: •fearing everything is contaminated, •having such intense intrusive thoughts that you can’t shake and they end up causing extreme distress, •having physical responses to a negative intrusive thought making you believe you agree with the idea - which in turn makes you a “bad person”, •needing to make things “even” (i.e - touching a lightswitch 3 times with your left hand, then 3 more times with your right hand, spinning one way and having to spin the other way to be “balanced”, etc) •and so so SO much more. these are just a very small few examples.

OCD is an illness. not a personality trait. and although there are multiple ways to cope and live alongside this diagnosis, which always helps relieves some of the symptoms, it is still a painful and debilitating diagnosis.

please do research before spreading misinformation❤️

if i have anything incorrect in this post, kindly let me know. 🫶🏻

[bad-brain-thoughts]

i think i’m better off gone.

[bad-brain-thoughts]

i just celebrated my twentieth birthday,

yet i am still fifteen years old.

[bad-brain-thoughts]

maybe i have too high of hopes for men.

maybe i am just living in a fairytale.

[bad-brain-thoughts]

forever curious if things will actually get better.

[bad-brain-thoughts]

i hate having bpd bc i love entirely too hard. i want him to feel just as obsessed. i want my bf to love me just as hard as i love him. i want him to think about all the small things. but he doesn’t, nor will he, bc im the one overthinking things. i know he loves me. i just wish he could realize how hard i love him and how nice it would be to have that intense love be reciprocated.

[bad-brain-thoughts]

my brain craves sadness and despair.

like how a sweet tooth craves sugar.

it aches for the sorrow, and when it finally gets it’s helping,

it is so painfully relieving.

but it’s good to remember:

too much sugar will rot my poor sweet tooth.

[bad-brain-thoughts]

i feel as though my “wounds” will never scar. they will remain open forever because the one who hurt me continues to rip the healing skin apart, causing trauma to my body once more.

[bad-brain-thoughts]

you are more than your mental illness(es).

remember that.

[bad-brain-thoughts]

ur intrusive thoughts do not define you.

ur intrusive thoughts do not define you.

ur intrusive thoughts do not define you.

and one more time, just in case;

ur intrusive thoughts do not define you.

[bad-brain-thoughts]

if u find peace crying silently in the shower, consider following as i plan to use this blog as an outlet for my depression

[bad-brain-thoughts]

i wanted you to want to spend time with me,

not because i asked you too.

[bad-brain-thoughts]

i wonder if i’ll ever be loved the way i love others.

if only someone cared enough to learn my wording.

if only someone cared enough to learn my facial expressions.

if only someone cared enough to view me as their lover, and not as a body.