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On Learning

I’ve come to the realization that becoming an Amazon is not just about cultivating specific qualities and values, but also about becoming the best possible version of myself I can be.

I think a new long term goal for me is to figure out how to make money from the act of learning. I’m REALLY good at learning shit, and considering that, I’m surprised as I look back at my life and realize how many things I’ve had a fixed mindset around. So I think becoming an Amazon is also about learning and doing all the things I’ve ever wanted to do, and especially those things I’ve always thought I’d never be able to do or be good at. Now that I understand how a growth mindset works, I realize my potential is limitless.

Shit I want to learn about or to do:

-How to become physically stronger. Weightlifting (in progress!)

- Parkour

- Archery

- Outdoor Survival

- Herbalism

- Drawing

- Creative writing/writing a book

- Get back to playing an instrument (I played as a kid but it’s been over 10 years)

- Basic astronomy and navigating by the stars

- Snowboarding

- Rock climbing

There’s surely more.

It’s interesting because those who are experts at their craft are so because they typically choose one thing and they stick to it, developing excellence in that one thing over time. So it might seem counterintuitive to excellence to try to learn so many different things. But my craft is learning itself, and cultivating that learning in myself and others.

How the hell does one make money learning new skills? I guess that’s another thing I’m gonna have to learn.

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The automatic thoughts that pop into my head sometimes and I have to hold back because I’m trying hard not to be a judgmental asshole.

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It’s actually not just about effort, and that’s where most people get it wrong. The above sentiment is where participation trophies come from, and is ultimately what leads to stagnation and learned helplessness.

It’s about *learning* from the effort you put forth and applying that learning, not just simply the act of making the effort.

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Sorry not sorry, but burnout is a real thing. How about we start championing optimal well-being, including a full nights rest to best support our goals, instead of glorifying busy-ness and overwork.

Leisure and rest are important. Yeah, it’s a fine line between hustling towards your goals and laziness, but don’t let anyone shame you for getting a full nights sleep regularly and taking time off.

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False. It takes considerably longer. But you know, we are a culture of instant gratification so of course we don’t want to consider what’s actually realistic.

This shit is the reason why people end up failing and don’t have the grit to achieve their goals, because when change doesn’t happen in a month they just give up.

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Struggling with letting go of some very hurtful words and lies said by someone 7 months ago, who I cared for deeply and who I thought felt the same about me. Struggling with forgiving myself for starting to forgive them, when a part of me still wants to hang on to the anger so that I won’t forget I deserve better.

Inspired by my own resilience over the past 2-3 months as I learn how to manage and persevere through an old painful back injury that has resurfaced, while still working towards achieving my goals. In the past I would have just accepted my fate and given up. Now I’m determined to find ways to keep going and adapt to the injury while continuing to work out, eat right, and prioritize my health.

Comment or reblog and tell me something with which you’ve been struggling. Or something that has been inspiring you.

I want to share something of you with everyone else. We might just be surprised how much we have in common or can learn from each other.

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Fuck your shoulds: Running

Finally getting to a point where I can lift heavy again. I don’t know whether to be excited or disappointed by the fact that I’m able to do burpees after close to three months of rehabbing a bulging disc.

Excited. Definitely excited to progress. Chiropractor says I can go back to normal adjustments now and I’m pretty stoked about no longer feeling like I’m being stabbed in the back with a hot rusty knife when I bend over.

Having learned that running is what triggers the injury, I no longer feel obligated to continue training in something I hate. Spending a lot of time around Marines in Japan and having dated a number of them when I wasn’t as confident in myself physically, I felt like running was something I had to do, was supposed to do in order to be fit and strong. And now having spent a lot more time around CrossFit and Olympic lifting, and learning that running triggers my injury, I feel pretty good about telling that sense of obligation and external/internal judgment for not running to fuck all the way off.

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7 months later

7 months later and I still have zero sex drive because the dude who told me he loved me (and who I chose to love) turned around and told me he’d been lying for over a year, that the only thing I was good for was sex even though he hated that I didn’t have a perfect body, and that I didn’t deserve what he had to offer.

7 months later, and I don’t masturbate for pleasure, just for stress relief and to help me feel sleepy sometimes.

7 fucking months later and it still feels like that’s all men have ever really wanted from me, or ever really remembered about me.

And you know what. It’s ok that I feel this way. I’ve been trying to get away from it, to suppress the hurt from it or to will myself to want sex and I just can’t. And just when I think I’m over it, I realize I’m not. So it seems there’s still a lesson here I’m meant to learn. However long it takes me to heal is however long it takes, and the best I can do is try to find meaning in the hurt.

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Everyone’s all like #relationshipgoals, and I just wanna have the strength to crush a man’s head with my thunder thighs.

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I just switched over from Black Iron Nutrition to nutrition coaching being offered by my CrossFit box. Nothing wrong with BIN at all, Emi was a great coach. It just makes more sense to have all of my coaching consolidated into one place and the rate is way cheaper. My CF coach understands my fitness better than anyone so who better than to teach me about shit I have no clue about.

I decided to seek nutrition coaching four months ago a short time after I started CF because I had no idea how to eat for my goals. Truth is, four months later I still don’t. It’s a work in progress and lots of trial and error, but I’m figuring it out.

My coach increased my carbs and protein, and honestly figuring out how to manage my hunger with 265g carbs some days is mind boggling. I got to class today having thought I’d eaten enough only to realize I had not had nearly enough for deadlifting for the first time in two months with this damn back injury. Thankfully my coach had some baked potatoes still wrapped in foil in the fridge, I grabbed that shit and stuffed my face while I was rolling my hammies and glutes during warmup. Nothing fancy, just a plain old baked potato, chowing down like an apple. Thank god for that shit. For real the last thing I googled was, “foods that are mostly carbs” because I’m scrounging around my fridge and pantry trying to make up the difference. 265g would give my low carb peeps a heart attack.

This week is the first time I’ve lifted a loaded barbell off the floor in two months consistently with little pain, which is incredibly exciting. I mean it was light af but at this point I don’t care. I can bend at the waist without searing pain, it’s a considerable improvement.

Patience, always. It’s the biggest lesson I’m learning in my effort to have the strength to crush a man’s head with my thighs.

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Just keep swimming

Becoming an Amazon isn’t the easiest thing ever, I’ve discovered, largely in part due to a chronic injury that has decided to rear it’s ugly head again recently - a bulging disc in my lower back.  The good thing is that now I’m in the U.S. I have the resources (and language) to figure out wtf is wrong and what I can do about it.  The harder part is going through the actual process of rehabbing an injury that can take months to heal and is incredibly fickle in the process. This week I’m in Los Angeles visiting a good friend and attending a retreat for a coaching startup I do some work for, and the great thing about my job is that I work remotely, so I can work wherever the fuck I want. This is normally pretty great - I love to travel and I thrive on adapting to change and new places. But the past two days I have been in incredible pain seemingly out of nowhere.  Beginning of last week I’m at CrossFit doing scaled down workouts but still PRing and this week I’m fucking bawling on my friend’s couch because of how much pain I’m in and how overwhelmed I feel by work (case loads right now are insane) and travel. I was in a pretty negative headspace today until I popped four ibproufin and half a muscle relaxant.  But thankfully I have some incredibly supportive co-workers and friends to acknowledge that being in that space is OK, but also help push me out of it. And I think that’s something that I really had to reflect on today - the vulnerability of asking for help. I’m not at my peak right now.  The pain and travel from the past couple of days, as well as PMS, have zombified me. I can’t lift heavy shit off the ground and some days I can’t even bend at the waist. I miss deadlifting SO badly. I’m having to ask for a lot of help physically and emotionally and truth be told, that bothers me. But I know I can’t always do everything on my own and it takes strength to admit I need and ask for help. I realize I can’t lose sight of the positive. I still managed to do three strict, unbroken pull-ups last week, and to PR my push press and jerk - all really big deals for me. This week I’m making new memories in a city that’s only held heartbreak for me in the past.  Even if I’m not moving forward at light speed physically, I’m learning more about my body in the process, which is more sustainable.  And I have AMAZING people in my life.

Just gotta keep swimming.

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Goals.

I have made a new rule that shall take effect on this universe this moment on wards.

You must draw Wonder Woman’s arms at least this beefy

or you must write “I am a coward” on all your job applications from this day on. 

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Clean Visualization

(from the pocket)

Hook grip, eyes forward, shoulders down (not back), chest out- Deep breath in- 

Say, “Fast in the middle” Small dip on ‘fast’, shrug on ‘in the’, feet planted and elbows up on ‘middle’ As soon as my coach told me to start saying ‘fast in the middle’, it’s like a light switch turned on and all of a sudden my brain and body started speaking the same language.

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Fuck your shoulds. Except the last one, that one’s alright.

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33 years old, about time I do something about my finances. Gotta start somewhere.