blossomedcherrytrees

[blossomedcherrytrees]

After the death of my mother and being alone since I have no siblings, my depression kicked in really strong and my suicidal thoughts increased..

I just want to pore what is inside of me... I'm struggling with suicidal thoughts... I even searched some info on the internet for the first time... I don't want to live... everything is painful in my empty personal life and toxic work. And whenever I ask anyone to help me with my issues, they say be patient and you are not the only one who is struggling. For fu*k sake... I asked for help not to make me feel more worthless and that my pain is superficial... I'm choking with this sadness and I tried everything... therapist, life coach, philosophies... nothing is working and I don't know what to do...

There is darkness in my heart, I can't see light... I just don't want to live...

[blossomedcherrytrees]

Mental Avatar...

I have one, and so do you. It is the perfect version of you in your mental kingdom, where you are the hero, the princess, the smart one, the rich one, the beautiful one, and the only one.

I used to slide into  that fictional skin whenever I wanted to lull the overwhelming pain. It was pleasurably numbing at first, but shortly I started to despise the girl that looked back at me in the mirror. The feel of worthlessness became greater as the time passed by, and the treatment of people around me (in work and personal life) wasn't helping either.

I kept doing that until I realized that what I was doing was harmful to myself because it came as a form of escapism, not reprogramming my unconscious mind in order to ease the process of change for a better me.

If I would share something with you is, please be careful when you communicate with your unconscious mind and use your Mental Avatar as a motivation to keep going.

[blossomedcherrytrees]

The Grief's Three Major Emotions

I read the grief part of Letting go book and it helped me to understand what I'm going through now since my mother passed away:

1. Acknowledging my emotions and pain and not to push them away because they will linger more than what they require in a healthy way..

2. There are three emotions, if I can call them so, I went and still go through and they are:

A. Fear: in my case, it is the fear of future and what I'm going to do with my life due to companionship loss.

I should take each day as it is and try to fill the void by making positive friendship.

B. Anger: I was a bit angry with the nurses and doctors for not doing there job properly when it came to surgery aftercare, especially when I communicated with them about the things I saw wrong with my mom.

I can't change what happened in the past and I don't want to be blinded and consumed by anger because it will harm me and the good people around.

C. Guilt: I felt guilty for letting my mother go through the surgery. Maybe she would've stayed with me longer.

I said above maybe she would have lived longer but what if she didn't do it and lived in huge pain which makes death a sweet relief? Isn't selfish of me to think this way? Her journey has ended and I need to complete my own.

I hope the above may help you or add a different experience or prepective for you

[blossomedcherrytrees]

Mother's Love

I lost my mother last Wednesday and I already miss her. But today I wrote her a letter telling her that I'm sorry for letting her do the open heart surgery maybe she would have lived for a few extra months but she was in pain and I wanted her to get better while we can. Then I asked her kindly to allow me to let go of her hand in order to move on in my life...

I will tie this letter with colorful balloons and make them fly away announcing to myself that a chapter has finished and a new one will begin.

I'm sad yet I know that I did my best while she was alive to enjoy each other's short presence under the sun and I have no regrets or what ifs and that's to be honest due to my readings on stoicism and reflecting on our mortality.

Thank you mother and Goodbye 💓

[blossomedcherrytrees]

The Beauty of Experiences

The past few days I reacted in a manner to something trivial that won’t help me in improving and growing. I was upset, thinking that I’m used in a way or another in my work and I reacted in accordance to this feeling. Then I realized with help of my life coach later on that the real reason for being upset is not that I’m actually used in work but I was accessing the Victim File in my brain before the silly incident has happened. During that time, my brain was helping me with filling the file with all the evidences of being a victim until the file exploded inside me like a Volcano, which blinded me from seeing that there were great moments and awful moments in my work like any work in another field or company. Simply, I felt so embarrassed by my reaction.

I also realized how good my manger is, because he reacted in a professional and friendly manner in such situation, and to be honest I wouldn’t have behaved the way he did if my employee did what I did. It was a great experience and mistake to learn from and that’s the beauty of experiences.

We all should be mindful of what kind of files we are accessing in our minds because they will help us to find evidences related to that file. Basically, we need to fill the great and helpful ones and shred the negative ones.

As always, I hope sharing this with you would help you even for a little bit.

[blossomedcherrytrees]

Pride (I wish if you could read this)

I started to see a life coach in my country recently, because I’ve been thinking that it would complete my mental therapy and boy I was right.

"What are you proud of when it comes to yourself?” that was among the first things she asked me after I shared with her my life story and dreams. My mind was blank, I didn’t know how to answer that. Well to be honest, I didn’t ask myself that even once! but when she asked about the things I would like to change about me, the list was long.

After few sessions, she repeated the same question and the answer was the same, BLANK! She left everything aside that day to concentrate on this question and I’m glad she did. She went through each milestone in my life and kept asking if I saw someone else achieved what I did, what would I say? i shyly answered “I would say WOW!”... “So?!” she smiled back.

She did that not only with my achievements, but also with the characteristics I think that make me a special human being, the things that make the unique ME!!!

At that moment, I cried because I did myself injustice by thinking I’m just an ordinary human and that the choices I made in this life when I faced hardships, are what any person would do in my situation but she kept telling me that was not the case.

That reminded me of an example given in a self help book I have read a while ago about two men who were raised by abusive alcoholic fathers, one of the two men went down the rabbit hole of drugs and alcoholism and the other became an advocate against abuse and alcoholism and helping those who suffered from that. and when they were asked about it, they both said “What else did you expect?!”

So please, take time to contemplate deeply about your strengths since we, unfortunately, have always been programed to count our weaknesses and what we hate about ourselves, and by doing this, you will realize you are unique and worthy of everything, worthy of happiness, worthy of saying No when it is right, worthy of setting boundaries that should be respected and so on. And don’t hesitate to seek help from an outsider be it a life coach or an honest friend as they sometimes are able to see what were blinded to see.

Be PROUD of who you are, and how you see yourself, not anyone else.

[blossomedcherrytrees]

The Thing (Scary Story)

I’m not a believer in the paranormal but in everything in this life  I try to keep an open mind. I’m fond of logic and science but it doesn’t mean I didn’t experience any unexplainable events which left me baffled. Today I’m going to share with you one of the things that happened to me and terrified me to the core and it was , as you have guessed it, during Halloween.

the whole week I had this very strong feeling that there is a being hovering behind my right shoulder, if I was watching the TV or mobile, it is there with me.

I did my best to talk myself out of this sensation and that it is provoked by watching scary movies and what not but in the back of my mind I know well that I love horror and paranormal stories and I still don’t get scared that easily till this day.

So one night I went to sleep as usual, and as I pulled the cover, it felt like there was something sitting on the corner of my bed. it was so quick, I shrugged it off and placed my mobile phone beside me on the mattress.

suddenly, during the night, the mattress had bent in the same place where my mobile was. I opened my eyes and rested on my shoulder to check if it had fell or not but it was there untouched. I was sleepy, so I didn’t care to analyze what happened. But once I laid my head on the pillow, that thing, I assume, pinned my my shoulder to the bed and rocked me back and forth on my left side. I kept kicking my feet as desperate move to free myself but I couldn’t. Out of nowhere, the thing started growling in my ear but in high pitch which had sent shivers down my spine and that thing changed its growl into mocking shrieks as if it was telling me “Do you want horror, I’ll show horror.” then I don’t what happened, I jumped out off my bed and ran to my mother’s room (she lives with me) and slept with her which is funny because I was in my early thirties but it shows you how terrified I was.

After that, I tried to figure out what happened but I couldn’t. It wasn’t sleep paralysis for sure because I was kicking my feet and I didn’t even sleep, I just rested my head. I just simply don’t know.

sorry for my poor English, it is not my first language.

[blossomedcherrytrees]

Glitch in the Matrix (?)

I’ll share this little story which happened a while ago, when the people was still using landlines and smart mobiles were the new trend... I think it was around early 2000s.

I was in my room watching a TV show, when I heard our landline phone’s ring. I got up and walked to the living room where my parents put it. I looked at the Caller ID and it was my uncle’s house. When I picked it up, there was no one on the other end. I thought that I missed the call, so I redialed their phone number. my cousin answered me and after we said our greetings, I asked her if they needed something because they called and I wasn’t fast enough to answer the call. To my surprise she told me they didn’t, the only time they did was a week ago and none of us picked up so they thought we were out of the house.

To be honest, it freaked me out at that time and I tried to figure out how could that happen but I’m not an engineer to understand how ringing generator works and if it jammed and released whatever it is later on... well, that’s the only logical thing I could think of.

[blossomedcherrytrees]

Back and Forth…

We all go back and forth between reality and imagination, but unfortunately most of us hangs in imagination a bit longer. Few people do that to numb the pain of reality which is understandable, but the majority do that to amplify their pain.

We imagine scenarios regarding our work or personal life in our heads, and we respond to them emotionally in a strong way which leads us to waste our precious living moment in darkness, especially when we realize that these scenarios are not part of the reality and never will be.

Find yourself a way to break out of such toxic imagination or stop it before you slip and fall in that crazy rabbit hole and protect yourself from you. A silly way of mine to deal with such situations is that I’ll say to myself whenever a scenario starts to bubble in my mind “I’ll deal with it when it happens, but right now I need to eat my pizza”. And guess what? The scenario never happened the next day and I enjoyed my pizza.

And please don’t confuse this with the “Negative Visualization” because through the later you try to find practical solutions and equip yourself emotionally when it comes to possible hindrances.

 “We suffer more in imagination than in reality.” – Seneca, a Stoic philosopher.

[blossomedcherrytrees]

3rd View…

I hope you would read this and I hope it would help you.

When you are having a negative emotion, thought or problem, try to zoom out of your mind as if you are looking at yourself through a camera lens from above. Ask yourself how many people around me may have the same emotion or thought? Then zoom out more and imagine how many people in the building, then the street, then the neighborhood, then the city, then the country, and so on, who may have the same feeling.

I know it sounds ridiculous but what you are really doing is that you are not internalizing your problems; you are externalizing them and you will be hit with the realization that you are not the only one who is facing such challenges. In addition, you will find out that we are wasting our time dwelling in our thoughts without searching for the solutions.

So instead of dwelling in sadness or fear, start asking what other people have done to solve the problem or to get rid of the negative emotion or thought. Don’t you remember that Success always leaves clues?  

The above way of thinking is one the main principles of Stoic philosophy and it helped me a lot. I will give you a simple example of how I applied it.

One day I was driving to my work which I used to hate, (btw, I still work in the same work and I still don’t see myself in that field, but I will tell you in the future how I changed how I look at it). There was a traffic jam, and I sat there in my car drowning in my negative lethal emotions while I was desperately imagining an artistic career, I then remembered the 3rd view principle above and I zoomed out of my mind and asked myself “how many people in this street hating their jobs but they have to go in order to pay the bills just like me? And how many people changed their lives?” and I realized that I’m not alone and I wanted to know how to change my life. After I have gone through many books and videos on self-help and different artistic crafts and hearing other successful people’s stories, I can tell you that I’m currently learning the piano and guitar as well as writing novels (for myself at least).

I assure you that I’m in a happier place now, it will take time to get where I want but I’m at peace knowing fully that I’m not living a wasteful life.

[blossomedcherrytrees]

A meal worth dieing for...

If one day, your meal wasn't as good as you would like it to be, instead of throwing a tantrum and getting upset, remeber that there is a less fortunate person in another part of the world, will consider it a meal worth dieing for.

[blossomedcherrytrees]

Fear and Hope are two faces of the same coin...

Hoping desperately for something to happen is as destructive as fearing deeply of something to happen. The first one will fill you with disappointment and you could abandon your dreams because of outcomes that you didn't expect, and the later will fill you with guilt if what you feared had not happened and it will leave you with a storm of an ending What-ifs and If-I-did-it.

So please dream and hope but be realistic and expect things not to work as you hope. Imagine what could go wrong and be prepared mentally and have possible solutions for possible setbacks. Believe me, you will be happier if you are granted what you had hoped and less disappointed and overwhelmed if things didn't work the way you want. It is what the Stoic philosophers called "Negative Visualization", it is simply imagining what bad things could happen in your day and how you can prepare to it emotionally, mentally, and physically, so you can be more in control of your emotional impulses.

As for fear, it is a good thing within reason and if your inner voice started whispering its poisonous words, answer with "you never know" as I do in such situation because truly there is nothing you could lose since you are still in square one. Fear is just in our minds, sometimes what we fear in some situations become less in other situations, crossing through a lodge from one building to another is scary but if the building is on fire, the crossing will be less awful and you'll do it easily. Remeber that you went through more difficult times and you have survived.

This could be a different perspective for you, but I hope it will help you as it did with me.

[blossomedcherrytrees]

Death...

This topic mybe will be trigging for some poeple but I have to share my experience and thoughts.

During my depression and suicidal thoughts, my relationship with death was not a good one. Death was my escaping ticket from the pain, wishing to go sleep and never wake up again. But as I started my therapy and reading stoic texts, that relationship has changed.

Death became a friend, yes you read that right. It became a friend that remind me to set my priorities right. I always ask myself when I wake up, if this is my last day how I would like to live it? Is it worthy to spend it in anger, hatred and negative emotions? Is it worthy to waste the day loathing that toxic person? Is it worthy to spend the day in pointless indulgences where I can spend it working smartly towards my dreams?

And not only that. I always reflect on my mortality and my beloved ones' mortality which made even the trivial things from them that used to irritate me, the things that I love and cherish about them as long as we are still enjoying each others existence during our brief time under the sun.

So please make death your friend to remind you to live your life right, not the mosnter you fear nor the escaping ticket to end the pain as I used to do and remember what Marcus Aurelius wrote in his Meditation, our time is a tiny fragment of the universe's age. I know that it is hard but like I said before patience is the greatest virtue to master.

Take care of yourself and love yourself because you are worthy of love and happiness and one can take that from you.

[blossomedcherrytrees]

Social Media & Games Detox...

My dreams are artistic and I have to work hard on them. I know that I have to start learning in order to make them real, but what I really forgot is that I am indulging in distractions that keep me away from my goals.

So I started SM & G Detoxing by deleting the apps from my phone, and let me tell you it is f***ing hard. I'm literally iching (lol) but it is worth it.

I've realized that patience is the greatest virtue to acquire and unfortunately, I'm busy living and not truly alive.

Be patient my little heart, the future us will look back at us and will be thankful for our persistence. Always remember that image.

[blossomedcherrytrees]

The law of Irrationality...

This law, from the book laws of human nature, hit me really hard as I read the book a while ago.

It means in away that if I did something wrong, I'll give myself all the reasons and excuses for doing it, but I won't accept it from others even if they have the same reasons I gave myself.

Being aware of this made me more understanding and tolerating towards other humen beings, made me more at peace if that make sense. I'll see me in them, trying to grasp what are they going through and to do not overwhelm myself with either anger, disappointment or sadness.

At the same time I realized, unfortunately, that most of us are self centered and a lot of our struggles will be at least less severe by reflecting upon this law.

At the end of the day, I can't control this but only to be the most understanding human being as I can be.

[blossomedcherrytrees]

Writing...

I love writing but I'm not sure if I'm a good writer... If i can say that I am. It is my escapism where I can be my characters, living in a walden of my own.

To be honest, I stopped writing due to my depression which is managed as I post this thanks to my therapist. But now I'm scared to touch the papres or the keyboard and I don't know why.

I have this nagging thought that I'm not a writer and I wrote what I wrote unconsciously to run away from this unfair world.

Self doubt sucks, but I try to remember the stoic dichotomy of control principle which consists of worrying about what I can control. In this case, it's to be the best writer I can be and not to concern myself with anything else.

This is the only life I have and I want to live it right. That's what matters.

[blossomedcherrytrees]

Ouch!!!

Today i discovered that the guy i have crush on, is seeing someone and it is serious.

Ouch!!!

I want to cry... This is the second time it happened to me in my life... I can't connect easily with anyone and the ones i start to connect with become unavailable...

Next time... If there will be another time... I'll kill the feeling from the beginning...