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Week 3 Food Diary/Workout Log

And other random thoughts

Day 15 - May 15, 2019

No food. Went to a nearby park and did the trail 4 times. Not quite sure about the exact distance so I’m guessing 4 is a mile? I finished in 37 minutes. I jogged a portion of the way on the middle two laps and I didn’t die l, so that’s a good sign. I’d love to be able to be a runner as a part of my new lifestyle. Just have to build up to it. Oh and I nailed the gallon of water goal again. I still feel like I could use a little more hydration though. Maybe I’ll try drinking more tomorrow.

Day 16 - May 16, 2019

Today was a berry day. When I got home from work a little after 4 A.M. I had 6 oz of raspberries (90 calories). My throat and the roof of my mouth felt mildly raw, I’m guessing from going a little over 3 days without eating anything but the berries tasted delicious.

A little later after some rest I tried to enjoy some blackberries but it seemed like I could taste the pesticides used on them? I’m not entirely sure but they tasted weird and I felt compelled to spit them out. Also my appetite hadn’t picked up like I was assuming it would after having something to eat. Maybe it’ll take a little more time.

The blueberries were better but Josiah loves fruit and ate quite a bit himself. And by the time I brought out the strawberries, Jo, Imani, and Kamari decided they wanted some too. So I don’t know an exact calorie amount so far but the total calories for all the fruit is 411 calories. I’m honestly not sure if it’s a good idea to only eat fruit since it’ll probably spike my sugar levels so suddenly, which doesn’t seem safe. Tomorrow I’ll try cooked veggies and salad or something.

No workout. Not much water either come to think of it. But mama and my coworker Tempest said they noticed a difference in how my clothes fit. That was so uplifting!

Day 17 - May 17, 2019

Drank an apple cider vinegar concoction with lemon juice and honey before having some cucumber and tomato, sardines, and grapes.

Later I had broccoli and 2 corn on the cobb, preceded by the ACV. The corn really let me know that in all my self negligence my teeth were probably the most poorly maintained. I feel angry with myself for not caring to love and take care of me in so many ways. Anyway, I had a serving of buttered white rice and I liked it. There’s something soothing about white rice to me. I know it isn’t nutritious but sometimes food has a more soulful effect than that. I understand that it shouldn’t be an all the time indulgence if I want to stay clear headed and goal oriented though. And I know this because I stopped at a serving size, had some water, and went to chill before work.

Felt hungry before I left so I had another serving of white rice. It did the trick.

Day 18 - May 18, 2019

Snacked on berries since I ended up at work longer than usual. Had ACV then oatmeal and eggs. Didn’t finish the oatmeal.

Went to Cracker Barrel for the mother/daughter brunch but ended up not eating. I got a bit overwhelmed briefly. Sucks because I was hungry. I was sleepy too though which made me more irritable. Snacked on a few grapes and the hunger went away.

I ended up extremely hungry later because I waited too long to eat and had sardines, brown rice and quinoa. I wanted veggies but by waiting so late, I was encroaching on headache territory. That’s why I took the easy way out.

Day 19 - May 19, 2019

ACV, 2 eggs, and a banana.

Another banana.

Then things got wild. Went to a buffet and had a little cabbage, a few mushrooms, corn, a little broccoli, some fried rice and different kinds of sushi. Not sure what the calorie count was at all. The worst thing was the 13 ritz crackers. Ironically the taste was weird to me when I bit into the first one but I chose to override it on purpose and ate them for whatever reason. I think I’ll have 3 heavy veggie calorie counting days then perhaps 3 no eating. We will see.

Day 20 - May 20, 2019

It’s been a while since I’ve exercised. I’ll probably do that tomorrow though and not eat again today. Not to deprive myself but because I don’t feel compelled to or hungry so I don’t want to force myself. It’s probably because I ate until I was full yesterday. Hopefully I can exercise everyday the rest of the week. I’d really like that.

Day 21 - May 21, 2019

So the good news is I made it to the gym. I did 45 minutes on the treadmill on the hills setting at 3.0 speed on level 4. Burned 436 calories apparently. The bad news is my gym is closing and today was its last day being open. Also I’m sure I ate the calories I just burned because I had veggies, a banana, and an unmeasured amount of white rice. Preceded by ACV of course. I’m content, no rumbling belly, but not full. Still, though, I probably had a liiiittle too much so I’m going to keep the rest of the day veggiefied. As for the gym, ATC Fitness was suggested to me and it seems like a nice option for only $5 more but I think I’ll stick with the park and body weight exercises for a bit and see how that goes. We have a treadmill in the garage for rainy days I guess. Why do I like white rice so much though? There apparently isn’t any nutritional value and it honestly doesn’t taste like anything but I feel pacified and soothes when I eat it. Sigh.

Had more mixed veggies and white rice. Forgot my ACV.

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I have stretch marks.

Reblog if you do too. Just to prove that it is more normal than what people actually think.

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14 Days Down, A Lifetime To Go

Week two review of my journey to a new lifestyle

I’ve always struggled with the concept of time, especially the feeling that I’m running out of it and need to rush rush rush. An unfortunate side effect of that struggle is a severe lack of patience with myself. That side effect definitely reared it’s ugly head in the second week of this change. While I can honestly report an increase in energy and a clearer mind, I’ve been finding that old habits and thought patterns need serious addressing or else they could easily become my undoing.

One of the biggest triggers I experienced was probably the interruption in my pre-planned gym schedule. Almost immediately I felt unaccomplished and ugly after showing up to the gym, only to find that it was closed 2 hours too early. This was something I had no control over, but I instantly internalized it and in some way blamed myself.

Fortunately, my system has been detoxed from the crappy diet I’ve raised myself on and it didn’t allow my anxiety to shoot up so high that it triggered a downward spiral into depression. But it was a rough one. The intensity of the emotion caused me to want to eat anything and everything, another horrible self sabotaging behavior. Luckily my taste buds are shifting and I can actually taste how certain foods are bad for me. It actually tastes fake? So I managed to not binge and rode it out with a quick cry, encouraging words from mom, and some good sleep.

Because my energy levels have improved, it’s allowed me to better manage my more introverted and loner tendencies. Being more social, however, seems to be synonymous with food. I was surrounded by lots of it and of course it was all of the things I am working to stay away from. I believe that because I’m so newly into this change, having to constantly turn down meals I once enjoyed over and over again took it’s toll on me. Add to that the organization and discipline required to plan and cook meals and I was feeling fed up and irritated. Rather than quit on myself, I quit eating for a while and honestly it was the best decision I could have made. By choosing to abstain from food altogether I felt less internal pressure whether I was around food or not and surprisingly less hungry. I’m still able to exercise without issue and my mood is great! The way I see it, taking a break from preparing meals and eating has reduced the stress that was trying to build and now when I do feel the urge to eat again, I can appreciate the mood more and it can feel like less of a chore and more of just a blip in the day. Not to mention I save a few bucks along the way too. I don’t want to become food obsessed. I just want a healthier lifestyle. If I have to miss a few meals to establish between my soul and the food I choose to sustain me, so be it because this isn’t a fad. This is my new way of life.

Little reminders of the me I’m leaving behind. :)

Biggest worry: Not pushing myself enough when I exercise.

Next goal: Drinking apple cider vinegar before meals

Level of confidence in success: 7/10

Things I’ve noticed: I have ankles and when I’m not in a healthy state they are swollen and not actually as large as I grew up believing. You can exercise safely even if you go a short while without eating. (TMI warning) Similar to the poop situation, there is little to no odor while I was on my period. Maybe other people have always had fresh smelling periods but I haven’t so this has been pretty cool but also scary to think of just how many things my processed meals have screwed with and made me think was normal.

Other week 2 thoughts, meals, and workouts here.

Day 1 Week 1

I wonder what week 3 has in store for me...

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Week 2 Food Diary/Workout Log

And other random thoughts

Day 8 - May 8, 2019

I left home hungry and felt like I was starving by the time I left work. I was very tempted to eat a spoonful of buttered white rice in the fridge even though I had a whole beets, black beans, and broccoli meal planned out in my head. But I didn’t. I chose not to. Instead, I ate a can of sardines and it’s quelled me significantly.

Made it to the gym. I chose to start with an arm day since I tend to be self conscious about my bat wings when I’m wearing short sleeves.

I did 30 lbs on the first three machines and 40 lbs on the last one, two rounds of 15,10,10 reps on each with short breaks between each set. I didn’t break a sweat anywhere except a light misting of perspiration on my neck, which is very unusual for me. I sweat easily. Maybe I didn’t challenge myself enough? Come to think of it, there wasn’t much burn either. Perhaps by some blessed miracle or cosmic joke there is some strength under all this flab. If I am not sore tomorrow, I will increase the number of reps. If I am, I’ll repeat the same thing again. Not too shabby for the first day in the gym.

2 cups of broccoli, 1 cup of beets, and 1/2 cup of black beans was the next meal. Or the only meal so far I suppose. The thing is I am hungry but I’m also a bit irritated so I don’t feel like doing anything, especially not cooking. My family is eating differently and the smell of hamburger meat is permeating the house right now, but I don’t feel tempted to eat it, even with being hungry. I think I feel let down because my mom said we’d go walking together at 6 and I was genuinely looking forward to going. If I’d known she’d change her mind, I would have gone earlier or gotten some cardio in at the gym this morning. Today is my dad’s birthday and I think mama thought we’d go out to eat today. She seems kinda tired though. I’m taking daddy out on Saturday but the place I’m taking him doesn’t have healthy options so I’m just going to eat at home first. I’m feeling sleepy and irritable even though I slept roughly 6 hours, give or take. I’m sitting at 419 on the calorie intake so maybe that’s why I’m feeling a bit frustrated and sleepy. Add that to disappointment and I guess I get where my mood is stemming from. I don’t want to be too hungry at work but it looks like I might end up that way. It’s the stupid anxiety again.

After a nap I felt a little less anxious and by the time I got to the parking lot at work and ate some beans, beets, and a few pineapple chunks, I was feeling better. By the time work is over, it’ll be another day survived. That sounds super good to me.

Day 9 - May 9, 2019

Saw Auntie Sherion at work and she gave me an apple and when I got to the car I chugged some water and had a few more pineapple chunks. The water distended my stomach enough to not feel super hungry during the drive home, which was lovely.

Threw all of these lovely things in a skillet and hit it with some paprika, black pepper, a little sea salt, a little parsley (I have no idea what this actually goes on), and a tablespoon of teriyaki sauce. Did I mention I’m not a cook? I’m sure it’s obvious to my tastebuds. I overdid it on the pepper. I also over cooked the vegetables which made me a bit sad but whatever. There’s always next time. A serving size of cashews did manage to improve my mood though.

Made it to the gym later than I wanted since it was raining when I got off work but I made it. Did 45 minutes on the treadmill at 3.1 speed and between 2.5 and 3 incline. I wanted to do more but Tiff was in distress and while it was easy to hold the phone and walk on the treadmill, I couldn’t do it with the weights so I called it a day. I still felt satisfied because I made it though.

My last meal of the day was really satisfying. 2 red potatoes, broccoli and sardines. Even though I ended up hungry about 2.5 hours later, it was nice not to feel that odd teeny tiny ghost of hunger immediately after a meal that tends to happen continuously these days. I’m not sure if it’s because of the calorie deficit or if it’s because I’m still not getting enough nutrients. Guess I’ll have to look into it later.

Day 10 - May 10, 2019

I ate 2 jolly rancher hard candies at work. When I got home I had eggs, broccoli, and cucumber and tomato.

Did an hour at the gym by accident, which really tickled me. Repeated the same arm exercises from Day 8 (reps and weight included) and decided to get on the treadmill since my feet didn’t hurt. For 15 minutes I did 3.0 incline at 3.0 pace, 15 more minutes and no incline at 3.0 pace, and a 5 minute cool down. I’m starting to believe my theory about healthy food and my brain is right because when I walked in the gym, I felt anxious and embarrassed because there were people there (didn’t expect that) but I was able to regulate my feelings and redirect my focus, so much so that I ended up staying longer than intended! It felt nice to be able to self soothe in a positive way.

Also...I have ankles?!?! Apparently I hold fluid there and have been my whole existence only to find out after attempting to stay properly hydrated that I don’t just go from leg to foot. Who knew? 😳

Next was brown rice, quinoa, sweet peppers and onion. I love eating this. It’s tasty and if I drink enough water with it, it takes away the hungry feeling for a little while.

Some things that are worthy of note: I finally drank a gallon of water in a day and I went to a prom send off with yummy food and stuck to eating fruits and veggies! Omg it smelled to lovely but I know what I want for my mind. The bit that the fog has lifted has provided tremendous relief without the weird emotional blockage that I felt with my medication. Because I’m still feeling the emotions, but it’s like now my brain has the ability to reframe it and the energy to process it. That’s the best way to describe it. It feels...amazing.

Day 11 - May 11, 2019

Had 3 grapes at work. They were so juicy!! Got home and made oatmeal and eggs. No fruit in the oatmeal this time but it did have honey and cinnamon. Also ended up eating a can of sardines too.

I woke up really hungry and decided on a Subway salad but was only a few bites in when it was time to go to daddy’s birthday lunch at Bluff City Crab. Their food is amazing so I may sit in the car to finish my salad before being tempted by the deliciousness. It’s seafood, sure, but how do I calculate the calories in the butter and secret seasonings and sauces or whatever? What if I go overboard on eating but undershoot the calorie intake? I don’t wanna risk it.

Snacked on an apple and it didn’t make my heart start fluttering. Had rice and sardines as the last meal.

No exercise today. I think I feel bad about it. I feel bad in general. Like I wanna cry bad. Not only did I not exercise but today I think I let myself get too hungry so I’m cranky. The biggest reason I didn’t get to exercise is because my free time went to other people. At the time it felt nice to give it but in retrospect maybe I shouldn’t have? I don’t know. I tasted a spoonful of rotel dip but ended up spitting the meat out. I even popped a mini snickers open and started chewing it but it tasted funny so I spit all of it out too. I’d like some different foods now I guess, but I can’t tell if I genuinely want it or I want it because I feel stressed all of a sudden. Holidays do that to me, especially when I’m not sure my mom will like her gift. We’re also supposed to go out to eat at Chow Time for Mother’s Day tomorrow. They have vegetables that I can eat but I really don’t want to go. I guess I’m tired of going out somewhere that has different food options from what I’m choosing to eat right now and not having a good vegetable option to choose from but spending my money on it anyway. I don’t have that problem if I’m not social or when I keep to myself. Only when I try to interact with people more. Every time I end up cutting a piece of my desires to please someone else.

I felt ugly today too. Like the gross kind. That’s when I lost my footing on my emotional state. Right now I want to go have some rotel and Doritos. Should I? Will I binge later if I don’t? Will I fall off the wagon and go back to eating the way I used to if I do? I wish the gym hadn’t closed early without notice. That was the beginning of the emotional spiral. I’d given to everyone else all morning but the moment I went to give something to myself, I wasn’t able. And now I feel a little low. *sigh*

Day 12 - May 12, 2019

Today I ate an unmeasured amount of white rice (probably about 2 serving sizes worth), a can of sardines, and a fourth of a red circle b smoked sausage. Didn’t care for the meat much. No gym again.

Day 13 - May 13, 2019

No food. Went to the gym at 5 A.M. and did 45 minutes on the treadmill. I alternated between 3.0 incline/3.0 speed and 0.0 incline/3.3 speed. Felt relaxed and mellow afterward which was lovely. Also got a gallon of water down.

Day 14 - May 14, 2019

No food. Did some exercise before work. Arms and treadmill on the hills setting. According to the machine I burned 407 calories in 45 minutes. Did another gallon. I feel like I need more water though.

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What is the best dieting tip one could pass along?

Youshould follow the most restrictive diet you can ‘enjoy,’ not the mostrestrictive diet you can tolerate.

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@rowsafit submitted:  If you believe those who say that it’s « impossible » then you have already lost. Losing weight is a mental fight because the hardest thing to do is accept that we HAVE TO change! It’s easy to refute what people think because no matter how you feel in your skin there will always be someone to think bad of you. But there’s nothing worse than the judgment one has of oneself. Nothing worse than hating your own reflection. So you have to change for yourself!

I decided to change because my appearance didn’t match my personality. Losing weight has been a mental fight more than a physical one. It showed me aspects of my personality I didn’t know. This fight made me more confident, more mature and stronger.

Ask yourself everyday if you are the best version of yourself (physically and spiritually). If not, it’s not too late to change. It’s NEVER impossible.

Instagram: @rowsa.g SUBMIT your B/A pics. See more motivational Before & After weight loss photos. JOIN our e-mail newsletter for exclusive content. 🎈 New INSTAGRAM 📸(it’s a new, scary & lonely place at the moment, please follow!) 😁♥❤💗 ❓ How’s she looking? Any before body doubles out there? 

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Weight Is Lost In The Kitchen

Week One Review of My Journey to a New Lifestyle

I’ve read quite a few articles about how quitting anything cold turkey was basically setting yourself up to fail at quitting permanently. Many of the same articles stated weaning yourself off from things gradually was the best, most effective approach. While reading those claims over and over put fear into me, I still couldn’t see myself attempting to commit to anything so casual for an extended amount of time if I didn’t start with a firm grip on the direction I’m attempting to go in. On the first of May 2019 I did the exact opposite of what these articles suggested and even though the hunger pains from the first two days were so intense that I dreaded being awake, once I made it to day three, I was so much better. My body made an effort to adapt to what my mind wanted and it made the eating healthier part of my transition so much easier.

Unlike with the food portion of this lifestyle change, the exercise hasn’t commenced yet even though it’s been 7 days. Initially I became incredibly frustrated, but when I remembered the articles, I calmed down. Maybe I could quit eating poorly cold turkey, but it’s possible that the sedentary lifestyle is what I struggle with quitting without effort. Maybe I need to slowly wean myself from being a couch potato. Understanding that there was research to back up the behavior I was exhibiting made it so much easier to relax and understand that I have to take baby steps toward a physically healthier me. I don’t have to become a gym rat overnight and quite frankly that makes me happy since I like being outdoors anyway.

Of all the articles I’ve consumed, the best bit that I came across mentioned that weight was lost in the kitchen. Apparently, weight loss is more or less 80% nutrition, 10% exercise, and 10% genes. So what you put into your body and how much of it you consume matters the most if you want to see some progress and eventually success. Most of my meals for week 1 were centered around consuming unprocessed foods. Spinach leaves, brown rice, black beans, oatmeal, bananas, and a serving size of cashews were probably the most featured food items for me. With the right seasonings, especially garlic and paprika, I was able to enjoy even the taste of what I was eating. I would really like to eat unprocessed whole foods at least 75% of the time, that’s my goal. I didn’t experience any cravings or feelings of deprivation yet and I stuck to drinking only water, so all in all week 1 wasn’t so bad, especially to have been a spur of the moment decision.

Biggest worry: growing bored of repeated meals

Next goal: start exercising

Level of confidence in success: 8/10

Things I’ve noticed: My mood has been lighter, I went to the grocery store a lot more, my poop doesn’t have a smell anymore, my poop looks like the emoji now 💩, and there is more poop but I’m able to expel it in a fraction of a second with no problem. Lots of poop related things, I know. But it’s the first thing that stood out to me.

Other week one thoughts and meals here.

Day 1

Onward to week 2!

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Week 1 Food Diary

And other random thoughts

Day 2 - May 2, 2019

Got off work a little after 2am and put putted my way to the neighborhood Wal-Mart. I needed honey but walked out with baby spinach, blackberries, and a tin of cashews too. I was a bit frustrated that even with so few items my nano haul was $13. At least everything but the blackberries will last a bit so long as I keep my portions in check.

1/2 cup of plain oats with cinnamon, honey, and banana with 2 scrambled eggs was the post work meal. I was looking forward to it too. Hunger haunted me the whole shift, which is why I thought the berries and nuts might be good work snacks. (Ended up only eating cashews and only before work. Don’t wanna create a snacking habit if I can avoid it) The meal looked small to my eyes but it satisfied me, which was nice. The two glasses of water helped a lot I’m sure.

Funny thing about properly hydrating: you pee a LOT. I woke up way earlier than intended because of it. Twice. The first time I woke up I couldn’t get back to sleep and I think it was because I was hungry, so I repeated the oatmeal and eggs meal. It sort of worked but that put me at 1,002 calories and I got a little sad. It’s only day 2 and I fear being awake due to hunger. Also, calorie counting and trying to measure stuff is frustrating.

An odd salad was dinner, no dressing. I used juicy veggies. Even beets. I like beets. Rough estimates of some portions put my count at 1,187, which lets me know that a measured salad with no dressing and a few berries is a good go to for those between hearty meal hunger attacks. I also noticed that while I scarfed the other meals down, I ate the salad a lot more slowly. Not sure if it’s because I low key don’t want veggies or if all the required chewing has something to do with it. I wanted to get veggies in though because I think the nutrients will help my body find a better balance. I also felt good about the lower calorie count so I could have a little snack at work, like a few blackberries and a few cashews.

Didn’t feel good about not exercising again but I needed to get my bearings with everything. I battled hunger pangs and wasn’t up to getting out to exercise just yet. I feel like Saturday will be a good day to start because I won’t have to feel anxious about what I’ll have to do later if that makes sense. That’ll be day 4. If the weather is good, I’ll hit the track at a nice park a city over since it isn’t tooooooo far. I think being in an aesthetically pleasing place is good for the mind when you’re walking or jogging in circles.

Day 3 - May 3, 2019

Beets. With vinegar. I don’t know why but they were satisfying. Ate a cup of them. But then I also ate a can of black beans. And a banana. Yikes. Guess I got really hungry.

Magic happened after I woke up. I wasn’t immediately hungry and when it did happen it wasn’t vicious. I ate a nice veggie plate with zucchini noodles, mushrooms, onions, bell peppers, and sweet peppers. I even downed 4 glasses of water in one sitting and my calorie count was only up to roughly 888 calories. I felt more confident in my ability to do this without struggling since I didn’t feel woozy from hunger. One thing I’m concerned about getting a good amount of calories so that I’m not hungry and getting enough in a day that my body doesn’t think I’m starving.

I was offered a chocolate bar at work and I took it and ate it. I shared it with coworkers but I’m counting the entire caloric amount in my final day total, which is 1,108. I don’t feel guilty about eating it, but I’m going to be sure not to do that again too close to today. It was yummy but tasted sweeter than usual.

Day 4 - May 4, 2019

Saturday arrived. I must have been tired because all I had when I got home was a banana with peanut butter and 2 glasses of water.

After some rest it still took me a while to eat. I didn’t calorie count today but I was sure not to overdo it. I had a banana with peanut butter again and 2 eggs, then a salad that Mama bought me (bless her cause I don’t think I’d have eaten anything else due to feeling overwhelmed and anxious). It had meat in it (turkey and ham I think) cause she didn’t know I was trying to stay away from it. It wasn’t much so I ate it and felt satisfied. It was from subway and quite tasty. I had ranch but I didn’t add it. Plus the salad was juicy with the veggies it had. Even jalapeños! I nibbled on maybe two strawberries because I was feeding them to Genesis. Other than that, nothing.

I feel like I should increase my water intake though.

I later wanted an idea of how many calories I’d consumed and it could be somewhere around 898/900, which I think is too low to be healthy on a regular basis but since I’m not hungry I won’t push it. Just something to look out for since my appetite did an about face.

Early Monday morning I remembered I ate blackberries on this day. I’m not sure of the amount but 1 cup of them is 62 calories. I know it wasn’t a cup but I’m adding that total anyway. So 960/962.

Day 5 - May 5, 2019

Brain decided to stay awake so eventually we ate. It was quite good. Bed of baby spinach leaves, zucchini, black beans, and mushrooms. I really enjoyed that. But I think I have a love for black beans and any meal that has them. I had a serving of cashews after and bummed the morning away reading weight loss journey blogs and watching cool recipe videos.

Haven’t been able to get to the gym due to maintenance on the cardio machines and I haven’t been able to get outside due to the rain but I’ve decided not to fret. Doing well on the meals so exercise time will come. I’ll probably have more energy and a higher tolerance for it too since I’ve gone a few days without gunking up my system.

Cold pineapple chunks breathed life into me. Yum yum. I don’t know why I didn’t think to check this from the start but I weigh 265 lbs. That’s a lot, lol. But I’m going to be focused more on how my clothes fit than anything because as long as I’m comfortable in my outfit and I like the way it hugs or falls, I’m content. Total calories today only got to 702 but since I didn’t move much I figured it was okay. Had I been active I think this is a dangerously low amount.

Day 6 - May 6th

Tried a meal with spinach leaves, broccoli, mushrooms, onions, sweet pepper, Roma tomatoes, cucumber, zucchini, garlic, and sardines. First time adding a tiny bit of fish. One can of sardines. I’m thinking of trying fish once a week (maybe twice if my energy seems to be dwindling) but only the types that could have the lowest amounts of mercury in them. I don’t understand it much so that’s why my fish intake will be low for now. Anyhow, the meal was amazing and I’ll definitely do it again. Snacked on a serving size of cashews. It seems to quell hunger pangs.

Oatmeal with banana, cinnamon, and honey came second. No snack between that and my brown rice and quinoa with peppers and onions before work. I think I’m being far too heavy with the salt. Not sure how to season things without it though. I like garlic powder and paprika, black and cayenne pepper, but I haven’t ventured far into the land of seasoning. Hopefully I find some good ones so I can get away from using so much salt. Calories sit at 1,405. Much better than the past two days. I’m hoping to get to 1,500 as often as possible.

Day 7 - May 7, 2019

I was hungry but didn’t want oatmeal initially. That’s what I’d planned but when I read what I wrote I thought “well that’s bland”. I can’t afford to get burnt out on food already. Not sure what to do about it at this point though. After a bit of water I think I felt better about eating it. The initial dismissal mostly came from the fact that I originally planned to have strawberries in it, only to find that I don’t have any here like I thought. I’ll just have it with a banana like I’ve been having it. Oatmeal is a good source of fiber.

Second meal was broccoli and red potatoes and it was soooooo yummy! The chopped onions and garlic cloves combined with the paprika sealed the deal for me I think. I was surprised at how delicious they turned out! Apples are a good snack but sometimes it seems to trigger hunger. It also triggers my heart palpitations apparently so I only ate half and then had a few grapes.

Had scrambled eggs before work. Really wanted more broccoli but didn’t have time to make it. Having a good amount of veggies in a day, especially green ones is important to me. Just have to plan better I guess.

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How to succeed in losing weight :

1. have reasonable goals: if u focus on losing too much weight in too little amount of time, you’ll end up feeling frustrated and stressed and it will lead you to binge

2. never binge: yes, you can do it.

Always try to resist the urge; and if you can’t, try to stop in the middle of it. Because 500 extra calories is not equal to 3000.

3 biscuits ≠ 3 biscuits+pasta+cake+bread

A lightly bloated belly ≠ a belly that seems to contain a 8 months baby!!

3. Exercise: it helps u feeling less guilty and more healthy/skinny. It’s good for u mood and for this reason it also helps not to binge

4. never give up!! Sometimes we have bad times and we don’t succeed in following our diet without binging or cheating and it’s normal!! Just don’t give up and know that you’re not alone!!

5. A step at a time!

6. 0.1 kg lost is better than nothing. Keep this always in mind!!!!

Good luck 💖💖💖

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“You will never find peace by trying to figure out everything all at once. That’s a recipe for overthinking, constant rumination and mental exhaustion. Why not choose to blossom instead for just a little bit day by day? Grow the small habits, the small ideas, and the small changes instead for just one step at a time. Cultivate your capacity for mindful awareness by doing just one task at a time and see where those soft bits of choices lead you. Then you can erupt in abundance starting from there.”

— juansen dizon, Becoming Yourself

[bubblegumfiles]

Let’s Begin

It’s May 1, 2019 and I am 15 things that I would rather not be.

Uneducated

Working Part-Time

Financially Poor

In Debt

Anxious

Depressed

Unkempt

Reclusive

Unorganized

Lacking Self-esteem

Monolingual (mostly)

Living in a city I don’t love

Unpublished

Passive

Fat

Today, after work at 3am before I had the chance to change my mind, I decided to try tackling these issues by choosing one thing I felt I had the most control over and the ability to pursue starting immediately. Being fat.

There are many people who struggle with their weight but I feel that I’m one of the more fortunate ones.

Being this large isn’t due to an underlying medical issue (as far as I know)

Being this large hasn’t created a medical issue (diabetes, high blood pressure, etc)

So I figured weight and my health in general would be a good starting point, mostly because I can’t shake the notion that if I try more of a clean eating lifestyle that it would lessen the severity of my anxiety and depression, which would potentially keep my brain from actively encouraging self termination. A good detoxing from the chemical laden foods that I regularly consume could really end up providing, at best, mental relief and at worse, dropped pounds. And let’s face it, that’s definitely a win/win. I probably shouldn’t have stopped taking my medicine and I wouldn’t encourage anyone else to do so, but maybe if this goes well, I won’t need to start again. Or possibly start at a lower dose and only one med.

I’m not a cook and have basically survived off of microwavables and fast food. Fortunately Seeds Of Change foresaw my inability to cook brown rice and created a “fast food” package that helped me to pull off this spur of the moment decision. While my portions were horrible today, I did manage to clock in under the 1,500 calorie recommendation for women attempting to lose weight and I kept it nutritious as far as I can tell. I’m a little concerned about what I’ll eat when I leave work though, since I only got enough food to make it through today. Maybe some spinach leaves to make salad with? I’ll see. I’m going to try to avoid certain foods for now until I can be trusted to keep the intake moderate. I started a list using knowledge that was already floating around in my brain but I plan on researching more to iron of the finer details and come up with something feasible and possible to maintain over time.

I attempted to go to the gym close to the time I’m due at work with the plan to shower and go to work from there. That didn’t pan out because the treadmills were being serviced and were out of order. The original plan was to do 30 minutes on the treadmill and 30 on the weight machines. With all of the cardio machines being out of service I panicked and left the gym, clueless about what to do so close to work time and ended up not exercising at all. I will definitely have to come up with things to do when the gym isn’t accessible. This isn’t a problem I want to have. Maybe walking or jogging in a nearby park? I’ll see how that goes if the machines are down again. I am mildly comforted by the fact that my job requires me to walk around the entire 4-5 hours that I’m there, but I’m not sure if it can count as exercise.

I would like to be proud that I started today, that I jumped in and didn’t give my thoughts time to catch up to me and find a reason to keep pushing it off until tomorrow, but I honestly can’t. Whether it be my mind working against me or there being some truth to the thought that I don’t deserve to praise myself just yet, I don’t know. But I do feel that we collectively tend to celebrate too early, which makes us feel we can take a break or treat ourselves and end up having unnecessary setbacks. I don’t want to celebrate too soon. Even if it is said that the hardest part of anything is getting started, I can’t shake the feeling that with this particular journey, the hardest part is yet to come.

I chose to start this journey on an upswing so I’m not sure what’ll happen when the pendulum shifts in the other direction. If I’m right, though, it won’t be as bad as it usually is and hopefully I’ll have enough momentum to swing back up on the other side.

This is my last ditch effort at staying alive I guess, with a bit of hope that I’ll finally start living. There are so many things to unpack, but I think it’ll be worth it. It has to be.