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16. Limbo

I have a lot on my mind, but at the same time, nothing at all. I worry about what the future holds, but then I think about whether a future even exists for me to begin with. Why am I stressing out about something so uncertain.

Living in the moment is a big part of my life. But, just like everyone else, the future finds a way to make me worry.

I guess I'm just overly worried about the fact that there isn't anything. I'm currently in limbo. I want to be ok with limbo, but in the end, my mind finds follies.

I love hard, yet I cannot receive it in return? I think it's something I have to sleep on, push under my pillow once more. But here I am again, needing to know how they feel. I'm kicking myself every morning, one more day I'm not theirs nor they mine. My intentions are known, I can't do anything else but wait. I refuse to push them, pull them, shout to the sky- but I'm drowning in my own feelings.

Here's to another day, and hopefully not another!

03/18/2025

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15. Burning CDs

I bought a CD player for my computer a few months ago! Purely because my car's aux hates my phone, and I keep forgetting to charge my iPod- SO, I decided to make something that wouldn't fail me, CDs!

I've made a LOTTTTTT of CDs since then, but today I think I decorated my best CDs yet. It's no surprise what it is if you know me in person- But, I've been listening non-stop to EPIC The Musical, and I was getting frustrated about not listening to it in my car. So, I burned two CDs today... (I had to split up the whole thing onto two CDs cause the whole musical is about 2.5 hours.)

On Act One I put the Troy Saga, Cyclops Saga, Ocean Saga, Circe Saga, and Underworld Saga. While on Act Two I put the Thunder Saga, Wisdom Saga, Vengeance Saga, and the Ithaca Saga! I'm really proud of how these came out :3

In case anyone was wondering how to burn a CD- I just download my music onto my iTunes account (on my computer), make a playlist (so you can change the order of the songs), then burn it to a CD with my CD player! Then, I get extra and decorate it with sharpies >:3

ANYWAYS- I'm super excited to put these in my car tomorrow!

Thank y'all for reading, again, and I hope you stick around for more blog posts/content (especially EPIC themed...)!!!

03/17/2025

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14. I'm Locked In

I am working on a top secret project (I'll probably talk about it in the next post tomorrow lmfao)- And it led me to watching a lot of animatics... and I may have started sobbing.

No- cause I want what Odysseus and Penelope have bro- please- GOD- Anyways.... THIS is what I was working on :3 Next up I have to make a background music playlist on Spotify- that's a tomorrow activity though- I'm a little sleepy!

03/14/2025

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13. An Amateur in Love.

I have spent most of my life romanticizing love. I don't entirely think that's a bad thing, it just takes time to re-adjust to real love. There aren't any sparkles or sound effects. No zoom in shots or knowing both internal monologues. You just have to listen to your heart, and somewhere along the way, someone's heart will have the same rhythm.

I tried to love many times. Once to understand the importance of the "name" of the connection. Once to make the other person happy. Once to find a sense of self. Once to avoid the sidelines. Once to feel the risk. To say they didn't last long is obvious.

Now that I'm technically an adult I think I can officially say I've only been in love twice. Not a passerby crush, but an aching feeling. I think the way I love is a bit more intense then others. I take the yearning to a whole other level. I can't say I'm a saint, but falling in love changed a core part of me.

The shallow feelings I once followed into relationships seemed stupid after this. Most of high school, I only saw one person romantically. They were amazing, on paper. Cookie cutter family, straight-A student, an athlete, charismatic to a fault, and beautiful. I fell for them after a shocking realization, I like women, a lot. Helllllooooo, gay awakening. The problem was, I confessed, but they never turned me down. "Not right now..." Some part of me held onto those words. That must mean eventually right? INDEED IT DID. A year and a half later, coincidentally, three days after Valentines day. I probably should've seen something wrong in that alone. But I was worn down, loved them still to that day. A message, filled with flirts and promises. I folded. Then was led along for about four months until a problem arose. I loved my friends, and they refused to try knowing them. I stood firm on this, contrary to how I normally acted, revolving my whole life around them. At some point, they thought me too much effort, and dumped me. Yeouch.

That relationship broke me down, to a very humbling level. I know that people say that loving someone that much is bad for the soul, but it's the only way I know how. I can't love a little, I can only love a lot.

So, guess what dumb situation I got myself into next! I fell in love with someone again!!! It took almost an entire year, but I found it in myself to trust that I am a loveable person. I know I am beautiful, I am worthy of someone's time, their thoughts, and everything else bundled in that thought process.

SO I DOWNLOADED HINGE. No no no, guys hear me out. I already had an account that was like two years old at this point- Pfft- So I opened hinge to like 200+ matches, so what else was I supposed to do but go through them- duh. Among them though, was one person who caught my eye. I don't have ANY faith in dating apps. They are the stupidest thing created and I don't want to give them any credit- but hinge cooked with this one.

I matched with this very attractive person, them liking my profile like months ago, and me saying yolo. To my surprise, the next day they actually responded to me?! I don't know if you know the dating app norm., but usually, people match, and then never respond to you- SO, the fact that this GORGEOUS person RESPONDED to ME the NEXT DAY was wild.

So, we started talking, etc etc. And planned a hang out!!! We had a 3 hour call a few days before and everything. This was oddly working. I was starting to be skeptical about how this was going so well, but just kept going cause maybe they were a serial killer or something. I picked them up at their house, and- wow. What a beautiful, talkative, TALL, human being. Who wasn't instantly murdering me?! Weird..... Anyways. We have been hanging out for about 3 months now, and I am cooked chat.

Here's where the problem lies..... I love big and a lot and loudly. They, however, can't tell platonic between romantic. WHICH- happens apparently.

I am an overthinker, so not having a label as to what we are, but still constantly flirting, upping our hangouts and sleepovers and texting, is scary. I am falling in love with them, by the day, hour, minute. I said I could wait for however long they need, but what they need isn't time. I am in limbo, and I'm not entirely mad about it, but it certainly isn't the best place. More like a third-rate hotel.

I don't want to jinx myself, or shoot myself in the foot, but I think there's hope. Things are slowly changing in a positive direction, and I might curse slow burn, but they do have the sweetest endings.

What I mean to say is.. I don't think falling in love is something a person should fear, or really question. I sure as heck don't.

Thank you for reading this long and probably incohesive post <3

03/13/2025

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12. GUESS WHO'S BACK!!!

Why hello there! I have no clue what era of my life I was living back then to write such yeouchy writing- god- Anyways! Helloooooo! I've missed writing on here <3 A lot has happened since my last post. I dated my crush, got dumped, made a new friend group that I would definitely die for, dropped out of college, and fell in love again. MY BAD- I was a little too distracted to blog.

Big life updates: I got a car, her name is Birdie and I haven't crashed her into anything- After almost a year, she's gotten me through a LOT. I dropped out of college, realized I had no clue what I want to pursue. Do I chose a smart financially amazing career, or do I die in debt but in a career I love? I hated thinking about it so I stopped thinking about it.. I got dumped by someone I spent my entire high school career crushing over- so- yeah- maybe don't romanticize horrible people guys. I took the bullet for y'all on that one. Oh, my old friend group completely disbanded. Only me and my now best friend Remi toughed it out. We met a few others along our journey of getting over whatever tf we went through, and now our friend group is fucking awesome. I HAVE FALLEN FOR SOMEONE! It might've taken a whole damn year, but I found someone who makes me WANT to exist. I think that's what I'm gonna talk about in the next post- back to back, watch me.

ANYWAYS I MISSED YOU!!!!!

March 13, 2025

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11. Ending the stage

In my life, I’ve often found troubles when keeping any sort of friendship. 

No one expects to have the same friends from kindergarten all the way till the end of time, I get that. I understand it’s normal to part ways with friends and grow as a person on your own. I just have a difficult time with it. I guess it isn’t supposed to be easy, though.

I like it much more, when relationships slowly fade. I’m an idiot, so I can’t really tell. But when something so great is cut off so fast- I don’t know what to do.

Today I received an email. It was from a friend I made in 7th grade. Long story short, I wasn’t the type of friend she wanted. I failed her in many ways, and the biggest fault in me was that I didn’t notice.

I suppose, as I changed as a person, she couldn’t- I didn’t allow her to grow with me. The way I changed wasn’t possible for her, what occupied my mind was different from hers. I didn’t take the time to ask why that was, I didn’t take the time to question if she needed something different. All I did was create opportunities for her to feel unwelcome, things I thought were helping positively only aided her separation from me.

It sounds as if it happened slowly, but it didn’t, not for me. For her, it took months to come to this. For me, it was something shut off, as if a giant open gate slammed in front of me. I was confused, hurt, I lashed out, things around me became worse, nothing went right. 

The email I received, after being so bitter, so hurt by something I should’ve noticed, only served to criticize me further. 

She felt unsafe. She said I was untrustworthy. She called me, what I know that I am, someone who can’t care for someone else.

I have no skills in the art of taking care of someone. What am I supposed to do? How do I console? How do I grow a relationship? How do I keep a relationship? I don’t know the most basic things and while I was believing I was fine without these things, I found out the harsh reality.

This post wasn’t meant to be a vent one, but it turned into one.  I don’t want to believe I’m a bad person, everyone has faults. But I can’t stop asking myself, “Could I have prevented all of this with what I know now?”.

AND MY ANSWER IS WHATEVER!!! DWELLING ON THE PAST IS RIDICULOUS- ALL YOU NEED IS THE PRESENT!! 

The past is meant for those who hate moving forward, and the future is for those denying the present. I WILL DO WHAT I WANT WITH MY LIFE AND NOT LET THOSE WHO CAN’T KEEP UP DRAG ME DOWN!!!

This post really did lose it’s way- lol. Well, to finish off strong, I’ll leave a goodbye to you, the one I thought would be with me much longer.

Good bye,  You were one of the people who I let into my life with no second thought. I loved the time we spent together. Though I have regrets, the nights we played video games and wrote books and fics together were nights to remember. Every day we spent together held meaning to me, I’m just sorry I couldn’t return the feelings you held for me. In my mind, I will recreate our ending into something more us. No hatred or regret, just us, singing to Hamilton as we sit a mere foot away from the stage. I will always remember when we met, and how our parting- not through email, but through the beautiful moments created in the theater. I’ll miss you, but I won’t wish for this to start anew. I know this is purely for me, you probably cast me as “the villain in your history” but I hope I’m not just that to you. Once known, Cali.

THIS POST IS STUPID LONG- GOODNIGHT!!

07/13/2023

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Just a note cause I've been dead for a bit-

DUDE WHY ARE COLLEGE TEXTBOOKS SO EXPENSIVE-??!!?!!

ALTOGETHER COSTS THE SAME AS MY FRICKEN TUITION!!!!

🧍

I am not a fan of capitalism or student debt 💪

I will dodge student debt until (probably next semester) it grabs me by the neck and swings me back and forth.

"I'm not that-" smart.

why is a dumbass like me going to college 🧎

07/12/2023

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I FORGOT TO POST ANYTHING FOR A MINUTE MY BAD-

I got the job and have been watching Fantasy Boys.

I will now continue to watch Fantasy Boys.

xoxo goodnight!!

07/02/2023

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10. Friends

Today I think I finally realized I can open up to my friend group.

It takes me a long time for me to actually be comfortable enough to be around people. I don’t like sleepovers, I like my bed. I don’t like car rides with the windows up. I’m just very particular.

SO! Today might have delved into my comfort zone, but I think it was for the best. I feel like I can be myself around these people and that I won’t get a weird glance for a joke or anything.

A friend I trusted a lot, for around 6 years, dumped me out of the blue. This group of friends helped me realize that even if one person didn’t click, it doesn’t mean no one else will.

That sounds blubby. My bad-

I’m just feeling nice with this new dynamic. Everyone is chaotic, but the same chaotic as me, and I appreciate that.

Shoutout to my friend since first grade, thank you for introducing me to new people and being apart of my life still. You helped me forget the pain from others and altogether make me feel loved. 

THIS POST PROBABLY MAKES NO SENSE AND/OR IS REALLY CRINGE!!! My bad- I’m running on like three hours of sleep.

GOODNIGHT! MUAH! XOXO!!

06/29/2023

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I am so tired, yet they decided to clean all the apartment dryer vents this morning. So sleep-in turned into... me being cranky and sitting outside while my cats cry in the bedrooms and waiting like half an hour before going into my apartment.

RAHHHHHHHHH!!!!

I'm gonna just read my silly little finance book and listen to 1975.

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09. Social Anxiety

OUCHIE MAMA! I think that social interactions are the third most terrifying things EVER (under drowning to death and marriage)!! 

I had a different job interview today, same place as last week- just with a different person. Did I prepare the questions in advance on my notes app at 3:20AM last night? Yes. Was I tired this morning? Yes. Was I, quite literally, shaking like a level 7 earthquake? It was more like a level 6.5- but who’s counting..

Nah, it was honestly fine. I feel like it went WAY better than the other one. I got a packet of non-disclosures to sign and everything. The dude said he wanted me to start working this weekend and like- yeah I want the job- but goddamn. Adulting sucks.

ON ANOTHER NOTE (aka I need to destress) : I have been working on a budgeting spreadsheet for an accumulative of 8 hours est. AND DUDES- It is looking absolutely gorgeous. 

Also- the song that got me through the interview was “Soldier at War” from the christmas-zombie-musical “Anna of the Apocalypse”. Dude that movie gives me so much serotonin- AND NOBODY FRICKEN LIKES IT >:((( IT IS SO UPSETTING!! LIKE CMON!!! ITS SO GOOD AND SO FUNNY!!!

I’m gonna go take a power nap and finish my budgeting spreadsheet I think. THANKS FOR READING!!!! XOXOX

06/28/2023

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08. Boring Busy

HI! I haven’t been making daily logs because, frankly, there is nothing happening. Hopefully that’ll change in the upcoming days! 

I have a hangout with my friends planned for Saturday and I’m going to go see the musical “Six” with my grandma next Thursday! Very excited!!

I’ve been watching extreme budgeting videos, and now I’ve been wanting to create a spreadsheet so I can also budget!

I’m looking for jobs, and TRIED looking up freelance transcription jobs, not realizing that California said “no ma’am” with some legislation, so- nvm.

I’m also looking at working at a nearby store or maybe even Starbucks. 

I’ve been thinking about starting an Etsy, just so I can sell my over-planned google docs and spreadsheets. They ain’t much, but they’re honest work lol. 

Last thing- DID YOU GUYS SEE THE NEW FNAF TRAILER!???!?!??!?!? Dude- Why bring your kid/little sister to work when you’re a night guard?? That sounds so unsafe???? And where is William Afton???? We get golden freddy but not springtrap??? Anyways, my hypothesis for the ending bit, where golden freddy is holding the little girl’s hand- I think that Mike is going to get springlocked(?) and becomes golden freddy. Periodt.

OK IM GONNA GO MAKE MY SPREADSHEET!!!!! MUAH BYE!

06/27/2023

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Am I reading an entire Diana Palmer book in one sitting? Yes.

Do I wish I could move to Jacobsville, Texas and get seduced by a Long-Tall-Texan? Maybe.

Do I regret reading so many of these books? No.

Currently reading "A Man of Means" by Diana Palmer after reading countless others of her books, and as the like- fourth one in the series- I know Leo Hart is next, and I know I have his book- but I have to read them in order.

Leo Hart is my kind of man. I love him so much omg please. Do I like the supportive therapy dog type boyfriend? It seems like it ⭐️✨

06/"23"/2023 1:33AM

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GUYS- I JUST WENT TO SEE THE NEW WES ANDERSON MOVIE "Asteroid City" WITH FRIENDS AND HOLY HECK!!!

(also this is my cat Jackson!)

Rating : 8/10

Very yummy, no spoilers but, the funky guy is everything and I hope he's in my dreams tonight!

It is now 1:45 AM.......

GOODNIGHT!

06/22/2023

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Did I stay up till... 4:11 AM to finish this webtoon in one sitting? Yes. Yes I did. Best five hours of my life.

Name: Secret Alliance

(ITS SO GOOD!!! GO READ IT!!!!)

((Hyun Yujin is my husband. No tradesies. Mine.))

06/21/2023

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07. Cereal

Today was kinda just a cereal all-meals kinda day.

Is that healthy? NOPE! But I was not feeling anything else.

Today I working on a mini project and watched a crap ton of puppy tiktoks, yes I still have puppy fever.

If you were curious about what kind of cereal I’ve been eating, it’s been Honey Bunches of Oats. I would step on a crack to break my mother’s back for this cereal.

I’ve been wanting to play sims 4 all day. Literally multiple different storylines have flown through my mind. Should I write them out? Sure. (Note: they’re just basic to-do’s I could do based on each pack I own)

- City Living : Rich CEO x Broke ass secretary (?)(it’s the best I got) - Cats & Dogs : Open a rescue/shelter , (obviously) open a vet clinic - Seasons : Become a mad scientist that is obsessed with messing up the weather for a main protagonist (?) - Get Famous : Become a YouTuber (literally what else is there to do??) - Island Living : Recreate “Teen Beach Movie” because I can - Cottage Living : Farmstead , Pride and Prejudice reenactment (but modernized)  + WHEN THAT NEW HORSE PACK COMES OUT I’M RECREATING HORSELAND- WATCH ME!!! - Dine Out : create a café , make a food truck??? - Vampires : create something akin to Vampire Diaries (we’re better than Twilight) (if I get the werewolves pack I’ll probably create something like the Wednesday school) - Parenthood : (dude it’s just family gameplay- idk) - Realm of Magic : HARRY POTTA????  - Dream Home Deco : Become the house flipper of my dreams

I am now brain dead and fried- I will be dipping now. Good night!

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I just spent like- five hours on this....