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An Update: It gets better !

Dear Reader,

It's been a few years, hasn't it?

I logged back into this account and re-read all the posts, and man my life used to suck. I didn't even really mention the half of it but hey, thats neither here nor there.

In short, life has gotten better.

I got on HRT almost a year ago, and am getting set up for applying for top surgery soon! I am currently in university, studying astrophysics with a minor in applied mathematics and theatre & performance. I'm happy.

I still battle with depression, anxiety and dysphoria but, its much better than it used to be. I've figured out how to navigate it, and found a community.

I live with a roommate, both of us are trans and in physics. We stay all to all hours of the night just chatting about anything under the sun. I don't really talk to most of my family anymore, more so pleasantries every now and then to keep them off my sister's back. But they never aided me so its not really a loss.

I found out that I love learning, more so than I thought. I like building things, working in theatre, doing producer shit, and physics. I love it. Life sucks sometimes, but its so much better. I'm thinking about creating a new blog and making it something like a common place book. A place to write everything and nothing. Maybe you, dear reader, would learn something new. Maybe you would find a new passion. Who knows?

Being an adult is odd, and so terrifying and so freeing. Its scary because its all up to me, but its also all up to me.

Anyways, I just wanted to update this blog and let anyone who has read through this or follows me know that it got better.

Sincerely, Connor

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I miss you

Dear Reader,

Its nice, this kind of consistency i have with you. I’m trying to get back into the habit of talking to you after my life kind of completely shut down.. I know this blog isn’t going to be anything special but its nice to just get the thoughts out once and awhile. At this point I don’t really have another source to confess to.

So, my best friend (lets call him Leo) as i mentioned in the last post has a girlfriend. I know I've said this shit all before but it feels like there is a mile high wall in between us and that climbing it would kill me. I talked to Leo today, not for much time but I still talked to him, then he said his GF was texting him. He left for awhile. He came back for about 2 mins and I asked him if he was going to talk to her, when my assumption got green lit well.. I just was like okay cya! He asked me if it was okay for him to leave i assured him it was fine. I get that it’s kind of my fault, like I shouldn’t expect him to notice that I want to keep talking, but i cant help it. We have been friends for 4-ish years now I would have hoped he would notice. He is the only fucking person I can talk too, well now I guess i’m stuck with you dear reader. 

As for the reason I have no one else, I sort of pushed them all away by accident. I honestly don’t really know what i did. I’m a very direct person(shocker right!), sometimes i tend to come off as a dick when i tell it like it is. I expect people to think logically but the reality is humans are clouded by emotion and its such a huge factor in decision making. I guess you could say I’m a robot, I don’t think its a bad thing I just can’t interact quite the same. Apparently I’ve been really rude to people who am I friends with, both are very emotional so its my bad for saying shit wrong I think. I don’t know how to fix things b/c I don’t really understand where i went wrong. So b/c of my dick-ish stance I’ve been losing a lot of friends and multiple others have been distancing themselves from me, tho I've been doing the same thing.

(side note: I don’t come off as very empathetic over text, i’m just very guarded. Many people in my life have been calling me a sociopath and it kind of hurts )

Onto the bright things ! Being a downer isn’t helping anyone! I got back in touch with a kid from my elementary school, he came out as trans in the final year. This was before I was out of course so once we got back in touch it was pretty amazing. He’s been on T for about a year or two now. I knew him back when he was in a bad place, he has really gotten better ! I’m so happy for him. We are both science geeks so its really amazing being able to jazz out and talk science with someone! No one that i know now will talk about it they are just in it for the grades... We had a lot of fun talking about the implications of Crisper, stem cell treatments and rocket science. Rocket Science isn’t actually that hard to understand its basically just how our world works now but put into a different idea, i’m not  sure if that makes any sense to you reader. 

I have also been writing a lot more music, maybe I should post some on here. Do you think anyone would listen? 

Well, this last few days have been up and down but overall I think next week will look better ! 

Sincerely , Connor

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Please reblog, this is so important.

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Please Give Me the Good Stuff

Hey! this is a really informal post! IF ANYONE knows of like any good trans spiderman fics (ftm) PLEASE comment / reply it ! ALSO dead may parker fics are GOOD TOO! like anything with like an orphan peter or like him on the streets / in a home / with another adult is my jam. Sad peter is fun to read

THANK YOU ALL - Connor

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A Really Unnecessary Update

Dear Reader, 

Its been awhile. In short, school has been okay, friends are going really fucking bad, my life is general is a shit show i guess but then again so is the world. 

So with school my grades have been slipping and i want school to be a thing because its better than being dead named at home. I also enjoy gym, im starting to build muscle , my biceps are looking pretty good not to be narcissistic and im think im getting abs!

 I think ive been pushing away my friends. Im constantly annoyed by 1 of them, I can’t talk about my problems with my close friends, one of them yelled at me and called me a bad person (may haps they are right I dont really know what im doing right now) and my best friend got a girlfriend and spends all his time with her, shes one of my other best friends. It sucks i dont mean to be like this and ill never say it to him but hes not there for me anymore. All he does it talk to her, and I’m having a really bad time right now. 

With life i found out my mother died , her 1 year anniversary is coming up . I found out b/c i googled her name and there was a fucking obituary. My dad didn’t even know. I played it up as i never really knew her but inside im devastated and i can’t talk to anyone about it because my sister is alot worse off than me and my family will just think im doing for attention after all this.

Im looking for some online friends! hit me up on DMs if you want to , cuz hell knows i need a new friend and hey maybe one of you who have read this far do too.

I’ve been watching the 3rd season of sword art online i think its pretty good, same with the fourth season of haikyuu its amazing. I’ve been trying to find new shows but nothing is really appealing.  

Covid-19 is getting worse and worse here. My grandparents also live here so im quite scared for them. We should be on lock down but our government is doing nothing, i think they are just hoping for it to get better. Its kind of exciting in seeing how the whole world is going to change tho, after this a lot of businesses are going to start becoming remote i think.

If any of you want some music to check out Samsa & Atlas are really good. Cavetown released a new album so that also pretty dope.

Well leave a like or whatever im supposed to say

Stay safe & Keep indoors! 

Sincerely, Connor

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25% of the people have a 4th cone and see colors as they are

Given the sudden interest for the color of dresses and vision, here some of the fascinating findings we did recently.

The color nuances we see depend on the number and distribution of cones (=color receptors) in our eye. You can check this rainbow: how many color nuances do you count?

You see less than 20 color nuances: you are a dichromats, like dogs, which means you have 2 types of cones only. You are likely to wear black, beige, and blue. 25% of the population is dichromat.

You see between 20 and 32 color nuances: you are a trichromat, you have 3 types of cones (in the purple/blue, green and red area). You enjoy different colors as you can appreciate them. 50% of the population is trichromat.

You see between 33 and 39 colors: you are a tetrachromat, like bees, and have 4 types of cones (in the purple/blue, green, red plus yellow area). You are irritated by yellow, so this color will be nowhere to be found in your wardrobe. 25% of the population is tetrachromat.

You see more than 39 color nuances: come on, you are making up things! there are only 39 different colors in the test and probably only 35 are properly translated by your computer screen anyway :)

It is highly probable that people who have an additional 4th cone do not get tricked by blue/black or white/gold dresses, no matter the background light ;)

(x)

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School: the place where anxiety and dysphoria collaborate

Dear Reader, it's been awhile

In short I had a few panic attacks outed myself to a few people, got a job , and started the new school year.

School is hell. At least in my job the kids forgot my name and called me Mr.Teacher, but in school I'm fucking she her and Deadname. My courses this year gave me a decking panic attack, like why am I so anxious about taking fucking strength and conditioning as well as composition and tech.

We went to homeroom today and my friend, let's call her May, said to a person I was not out to ," does connor look like Tobey Maguire?" It was scary as fuck and I think she knows I'm trans now.

Also I do look like tobey Maguire, it's spooky

This looks pretty close to me.

Anyways I have to go die now

Sincerely,

Connor

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My stupid fucking head

Dear, still me...

Y’know that friend ,that well, just asks you how your doing and their almost like a lifeline to you. Do you have one, I think everyone does at this point. Well I think mine has kinda changed, or well I guess I've changed.

All i want is for him to ask more about what going on. I want to scream I’m not fine and from him to just tell me everything in my head is going to be okay, I wont have all the self doubts i do now. I wish he would just give a shit, like he used to. I wish he would notice when i can’t see properly or when I can’t think and that the monsters are getting to my head again. This is probably a pretty shitty vent sorry I had to post this, I just needed to get it out.

I just wanna be normal. I don’t wanna curse and take a knife chest every time i see it. I don’t wanna have to think about what an inconvenience being Connor is. I don’t wanna think about the fact that I cost so much damn money every night. I want to sleep more than 3 hours consecutively, I don’t wanna wake up to nightmares induced by anxiety and dysphoria every single night. I don’t wanna have thoughts that prey on me like vultures every second of my life. I’m sorry.

This has been a shit ass vent that you will ignore

Sincerely, Connor

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What I’m made up of

From angry blue oceans and muddy black blinds

I'm from hiding under the bed

From long brown fields and short black vines

I'm from nuts and bolts, with screws under my friends

From long gone memories and fading black stains

I'm from angry paint splatter on sunday morning express lanes

From messy rooms and unmade beds

I’m from hospitals,surgeries and midnight linoleum walks

From the late night drives instead of taking meds

I’m from mountain fires,collecting bullet shells,and static shocks

From 90’s hits, sing along songs and screaming into the fan

I’m from ‘Star Trek’, and ‘Marvel’ movies and unknown punk rock bands

From playing lightsabers in my school’s field

I’m from muddy hands and climbing trees

From from sitting at the back, and avoiding the battlefield

I’m from not knowing i’m allergic to bumble bees, and skinned knees

From picking up a old guitar, and stumbling through chords

I'm from hiding from thunder during lightning storms

From a hate love relationship with my own blood

I'm from cat scratches and deck chairs

From house fires and bathtub floods

I'm from science shows,video games,the great indoors, and bus fares

From frustrated piano chords and love song melodies

I'm from softball, football and watching comedic tragedies

From a kid’s chemistry set

I’m from garding and dirt stained jeans

From punching bag to not caring to no sweat

I’m from night-time bike rides and routines

From holding my pinky while drinking tea

I’m from worn out sweaters  and ‘Until I took an arrow in the knee’

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Long Time No See

Dear, well i think at this point, me

Its been awhile. I’ve been sick. I’m 99 percent sure its from anxiety..... NEVER MIND THAT.

really nothing has been happening.... 

Sincerely, connor 

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I think I’m melting

but like seriously, I’m melting.

So Its like the middle of May right now, which means summer..... which means heatstroke, sunburns, and just general melting-ness. 24 degrees Celsius may not seems like a big deal for you dear reader, but it is for me. Because i’m the kind of buy who wears T-shits in 5 degrees Celsius, I can NOT handle the heat by any means necessary. 

Next up on the agenda of nothing-ness......

WORK FORMS, can you believe I applied to a summer job, I can’t!! Apparently I can introduce my self as Connor, because the job is super LGBTQ friendly! I just have to  use my legal names on all the forms, duh. So yeah I’m looking forward to that, I hope I get the job!

So dear reader before I finish writing this post I want to ask you a question!

DO YOU PREFER CATS OR DOGS?

I’m not sure if anyone actually reads these but its work a shot?

Sincerely, Connor

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The cover of my book looks like my current hair style

Dear, who ever sees this...

Do you know the book ‘symptoms of being human’ well, currently i’m reading it. Do you know when your teacher is like bring out something to do after the quiz and put it on your desk, most kids at my school, takes out a book. Well, I take out that book and my teacher comments on what its about and the kid THREE FUCKING ROWS AWAY FROM ME say ha it even has the same hair style as you. It’s just a big fucking nope. And you don’t know what to tell your teacher what its about because its about a gender fluid person and your not out yet, internal screaming start.

How’s finals for y’all (yes i just said y’all get over it) I’m stressing over it currently, if I see one more science triangle i’m gonna die. Along with my socials final, i’m bad enough at socials as it is, can we just not y’know.

On another note, I’m cancer free for another year! I really hope it doesn't come back. I really hate those check  ups, because the doc has to check the scar on my chest from a previous skin graph/cancer. The whole check up gives me so much FUCKING DYSPHORIA!!!!

Last but not least, I went to this LBGTQ meeting yesterday, it was weird. Just weird like no one showed up. That’s about it folks!

Sincerely, Connor

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Its currently 9pm, and some kid is screaming at a tree

Dear follower or followers , i think i have what like 2 now?

I know the last post came across as a little negative? But i am genially an optimistic person, weird right? I know i’m trans, i have anxiety and i’m battling depression, but i’m an optimist! I like to think at things like they will get better, time and hard work changes things. I just don’t understand pessimistic people (although i am friends with some) why do you always look at negative outcomes, when the positive can happen if you put enough effort into it. Well, most things. I mean my dad will never change, he is as conservative as they come, but one day i’ll move out and get HRT, change my name and get surgery, if i even make it that far.

So readers, i’m currently out on my deck, listing to David Bowie (rebel rebel). Its shaking, i don’t think its well supported. Im sitting on the floor drinking lemonaid, its hot here. My cat just ate part of a plant, i hope he’s okay.

My art teacher wants us to make personal prints. Long story short my life is pretty fucking tragic; My mom left us and died(?) at the age of 6, My dad is an angry motherfucker who yells 24/7, none of us eat properly, i had Cancer, my house burnt down, i got outed to my whole elementary school and well that’s just a few things i can think of off the top of my head. I was doodling dysphoria doodles, as you do (alliteration!) and she comes along and is like ‘what dose this RePerSenT’ and me being the genius i am said dysphoria. She stared at me and went away, i think she knows i’m trans, whoops.

Oh yeah, about the title. My neighbors kids are running around the complex screaming at trees and how they are stupid, they are about 4 and 5. One kid who’s like 16 is just watching them and insulting them, great I know.

Tomorrow is a Day 1 at my school, which means i have to deal with transphobic shit faces, ugh. This one kid, lets call him Steve, is always telling me I look like a trap and a tranny :( . He’s not even been sent to the office, my school doesn't do well with transgenders . His father apparently refused a trans man business, ahh. My teacher in that class calls all the girls, girls alot. On top of that we are learning about reproduction (for like the billionth time in my school career) and he’s used me as an example for a girl and having XX chromosomes, just no kids, no. Alright, thats about it with me today.

Sincerely, Connor

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Introductions?

uh well hey?

My name is Connor , as you can see from my user name? Long story short i’m trans or transgender, imma guy. This is a blog or like a few entries just to y’know get all my shit out of my head and somewhere else. So lets get into it!

I hate the stares. I know i’m lucky, I have a sharp face, and a deep voice. That doesn't change how big my chest it and how broad my hips are. It doesn't change the stares i get when i order at a cafe, or take out a book at the library.  I wish the little gender marker next to my name wasn’t an F, it feels like its calling me a failure. 

When you have a single dad who doesn't accept you, life is shit. He thinks I've never had a real female role figure so that why i’m trans, its terrible. He also thinks being transgender is a government scheme, for over population?? can someone out there explain that to me? 

On top of all the dysphoria in my life, my french teacher, constantly uses me in examples for doing something feminine in french.

 On Thursday, I have a cancer check up. They have to look at my chest, witch means i can’t bind. Which means its gonna get suicidal up in my head. I mean at least its giving me a chance to breath,i’m running out of ace anyway

That’s it for today, or rather today's introductions

Sincerely, Connor