createdtofeel

[createdtofeel]

[createdtofeel]

it will be my home 🫂

I will have a home one day. It will be warm, and it will be safe. It will have large windows so that it never feels like a prison. It will have comfort and light and colours, and there will be joy echoing off of each of the walls. There will be no shouting in my home. There will be no violence, no harsh words, no abuse ... it will be safe, and it will be my home.

[createdtofeel]

ok chat I'm confused.

listen I'm nonbinary and I'm still socially perceived as a woman (which hurts btw).

I've come to terms with the fact that I, usually, do not feel attraction towards other human beings and it's fine. it has its own specific conditions to happen so yeah. we're cool.

I also came to terms with the fact that I do not fit in a monogamous style of relationship and that I do not feel like living in a fixated nuclear family with weird and dumb relationship hierarchies. it's pretty cool. I feel a lot better.

the thing that bothers me is: am I, really, able to feel attraction towards MEN????? of course it absolutely doesn't matter whether they're cis or not, just I don't understand.

I've had relationships with men and I KNEW I wasn't attracted. for sure. I knew I hated them, the situation, doing it and I still played myself. I confined myself in a cage. I hurt myself with performative heterosexuality and I recognize that, but I also had one (1) relationship in which I didn't despise the man. I actually craved his voice. his presence. to see his face, even if just in a picture.

and still, to this day, I can't wrap my head around the thought that I might have felt this way because he was the prototype of the person that I wanted to be. I never understand whether I want to be the people I love and experience their life or just love them and experience life with them. and I feel pretty guilty about it.

I'd love to just know. to just feel. in the moment I felt really safe. at home. but now that it's been over (it's been kind of 5/6 months??????????? I'm ashamed) I still can't stop (now it got better. seriously better.) thinking about him. idealizing him. and I'm afraid I'm just fixated on him and never felt really in love.

I'm afraid I'll never actually feel love, loved, cared for, listened to. I felt like it. but I'm afraid it was all just a big joke. I'm insecure.

I just wanna understand whether I'm hurting myself or giving myself time and space to feel and try and grow. I don't wanna hate myself anymore. I wanna care for me. I swear. I do.

[createdtofeel]

[createdtofeel]

TW: EATING DISORDERS

I'll never forget the day I was sitting at the table, with the abusive man that ruined my every second of life since the day we met, eating pasta he cooked and hearing him say "oh so now you're eating, don't you think I didn't notice it. I know that you are anorexic. you just didn't tell me because you're ashamed. but know that I know. and I'm watching you." with the scariest voice ever.

then proceeded to bring it up with every fucking conversation we had, several times, sovradetermining me just because he can. because he's a man. he knows. clearly God gave him even the ability to know what we common mortal humans don't, how lucky we are to have him, right?

well I wasn't living with anorexia. I'm fucking disabled and I have arfid you dumb fuck.

I just can't help but hate him. I can't cope with the rage I feel. every time I walk near a place we went to. every time I try to enjoy my time and the city I just fall back in it. I can't help but feel ashamed. mad with myself. with the friends that I had at the time and lost. mad that I survived. and mad that I got through it.

[createdtofeel]

[createdtofeel]

I really don't know how to cope anymore.

pain killers do shit for my illnesses, my family refuses to accept I'm disabled and I find it very difficult to adapt.

I'm scared to try and live on my own because meds are expensive, medical visits are pretty expensive too, I can't eat a lot of food and when depressed or in a lot of pain I can't care for myself and cook or get out of bed and just take a shower.

I really wanna live but I'm afraid I'll fail, I'm afraid I'll need help and people won't be there because it's a disgustingly self-centered society.

I really wanna get up and take control of my life but living with chronic illness actually already takes control of it.

I really wanna be positive about it but I'm currently going through a flare up and I just can't see the good in the world rn. I'll probably see colors again when this horrendous pain is over, if it'll ever be.

Please send a LOT of hugs and warm words or cat pics. PLEASE

my uterus is killing me, I just need to rest and some love + CATS a lot of CATS. love them very much.

[createdtofeel]

able bodied people will freak out when they see an ambulatory mobility aid user not using their aids but won't question it when a hiker only uses a walking stick or trekking poles when they're hiking. they're the same thing.

[createdtofeel]

I always see those “you’ll get better”, “it won’t be like this forever”, “you will heal”, etc. positivity posts and like- some of us won’t. Some of us will never get better, some of us will never heal, and for some of us things will be like this forever. We need more positivity posts for those of us with life long conditions and problems.

[createdtofeel]

Shoutout to leftists who are too poor/disabled to give back to their community.

Shoutout to leftists who are too poor/disabled to shop at local/small businesses.

Shoutout to leftists who are poor/disabled and have to buy things from Amazon and other megacorps because it’s the most cheap or convenient.

Shoutout to leftists who are too poor/disabled to reduce their environmental footprint because they need the single-use plastics.

Shoutout to leftists who can’t go vegan because of dietary needs, disordered eating, or neurodivergence.

Shoutout to leftists who can’t volunteer or go to community events/protests/noise demonstrations because of inaccessibility.

Shoutout to leftists who can only be politically active online because they’re housebound.

Shoutout to leftists who are disabled and are rarely politically active because they simply don’t have the energy.

Shoutout to leftists who can’t be politically active because they’re under the care of a guardian or are trapped in an abusive situation, and they don’t have control over their finances/belongings.

Shoutout to leftists who can’t read theory, or who have trouble reading theory, but still do their best to learn.

Shoutout to leftists who can’t understand theory at all because of cognitive/intellectual disability.

Shoutout to leftists who want to be more active in their community but can’t because they struggle with anxiety, socializing, or maintaining relationships.

Shoutout to leftists with personality disorders, complex trauma disorders, conduct disorders, OCD, psychosis, and any other leftist whose personality or thoughts often unwillingly go against their beliefs due to a trauma response or chemical imbalance.

Shoutout to leftists who don’t have any “practical” skills that would be needed in a commune (i.e farming, building, sewing)

Shoutout to leftists who are too busy simply trying to survive to even think about being politically active.

Shoutout to leftists who have to always ask for mutual aid but can never give back.

Shoutout to all the leftists who can’t do this and can’t do that and can’t do the things that leftists are “supposed” to do. No one person is perfect.

You aren’t a fake leftist for not being able to do these things. All that matters is that you put in the effort, in whatever way that you can.

It’s not about your abilities as an individual. It��s about our power as a collective.

[createdtofeel]

"but aces and aros can be in relationships"

Yes, I know that, but do YOU know that aces and aros in relationships are still aces and aros? Do you internalize that? Are you aware that we don't just suddenly turn straight, or gay or anything else?

Yes, even demis

Are you aware that a sex repulsed asexual will still be sex repulsed even in a relationship, and so, might never fuck you?

Are you aware that a romance repulsed aro will still be romance repulsed even in a seemingly normative relationship and might not like doing typical romantic gestures and activities?

Are you aware that a sex neutral or positive asexual might not actually be sexually attracted to you at all even if they do fuck you?

Are you aware that a romance neutral or positive aro might not actually be romantically into you even if they are comfortable with typical romantic gestures?

Are you aware that our identities are just as permanent as yours?

[createdtofeel]

Source | Day 58

[createdtofeel]

ofc. always.

we stand together

REBLOG IF YOUR BLOG IS A SAFE SPACE FOR AROMANTIC PEOPLE AND IF YOU THINK THEY ARE VALID

I want to see how many people actually are willing to say this and not just act like it

[createdtofeel]

PSA:

“Asexuality” is a sexual orientation describing little to no sexual attraction

“Ayyyyy, sexuality!” is a guy at a bar imitating Chandler from Friends while talking about sexuality

“Aye, sexuality,” is a pirate giving his kids ‘the talk’

learn and know the difference!

[createdtofeel]

[createdtofeel]

Not only sexual violence itself is traumatizing. The way other people react to it (silencing, victim blaming, minimizing,...) is additionally traumatizing and can determine if a victim develops PTSD or not.

I wonder how my PTSD would have turned out if I hadn't been forced to endure so much additional trauma by people supporting my rapist.

[createdtofeel]

my sleeping positions to accommodate my joint pain have me looking looking either like a rag doll thrown away by a child or a meticulously arranged corpse by a serial killer