demonized-infodumps

[demonized-infodumps]

i do actually consider myself an "evil" alter despite it being a negative stereotype. i have a lot of nasty thoughts and i can be pretty crude and blunt. that's kind of just my whole purpose and character and my entire reason for existing is just that.

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[demonized-infodumps]

I don't know if it's just me, but as someone with ASPD I don't really care about acceptance or positivity. All these posts like "omagad you're SO totally not evil and morally okay!!!" make me roll my eyes because I AM evil and I don't really give a shit that I'm evil. Do you seriously think that someone who perceives others as almost non-existent will care about how others stigmatize me? Do you seriously think that someone who doesn't care about morals (and, quite frankly, doesn't understand them) will care about what's evil or not? Please, give it to cluster B folks who actually depend on external validation because my ASPD makes me not care about anything external unless I have power and control over it.

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[demonized-infodumps]

Im obsessed with the lives, trauma, and mental illnesses my favorite celebrities might have.

Im obsessed with knowing every little thing about their trauma, what makes them tick, what possible mental disorders they could have, and what can I spot from just what I see them do from a fan perspective. I want to know every little thing about them. I want to know what happened to them so I can see how much like me they are or how different we are. What if we have some of the same problems? Do we act like each other?

How does x disorder present in them vs someone else? How did they become like this?

Im so obsessed with these people and I want to know everything about them.

Its like poking a bug in a jar to me.

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[demonized-infodumps]

I hate that I cant discuss certain parts of my autism seriously with anyone without them getting uncomfortable or telling me im gross.

I was taught how to do basic hygiene, but as a kid, and even now, I simply refuse to. Unless im going somewhere important or doing something where im going to be out all day, I genuinely dont see a point in showering or really taking care of myself (aside from brushing my teeth, I dont want those to fall out of my head, im very vain about my appearance when I feel like it makes sense to actually try) like, im just sitting around my house doing absolutely nothing with no one to see or hang out with, so why would I expend the energy showering when I could use that energy to make myself food or play a video game?

Another thing that I've never talked about with anyone, purely because people would call me gross it, is that im not potty trained.

It wasn't for lack of trying on my parents part, god knows they tried. I just couldnt get the hang of it. I can get myself to the bathroom when possible, but sometimes I just cant. I cant control it, and weather thats because of autism, trauma, or a bit of both I dont know and honestly I dont care anymore. I've given up trying to potty train myself at 19 years old, and im just done. (The trauma of my parents refusing to let me be in diapers again until I was 14 also did a fuck ton of trauma, but I wont go there rn)

And what's even fucking worse, is that while I am an adult, and I technically "only have level 1 autism" (pretty sure its actually level 2) means im not taken seriously when I need more support and act more like a baby then an adult. Yes, I use pacifiers and need diapers and I cant tie my fucking shoes and dressing myself is hard and god damn it im not actually an adult and I need help but I cant get it because no one wants to make the effort to get it for me!

(Rant over, I just had to get that off my chest cuz its been bothering me for a long while)

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[demonized-infodumps]

for context, i have BPD & have been with my now-fiancé for over 4 years.

something i feel absolutely horrible about is that my fiancé is *not* my FP (favourite person). i love him; i really do, & i want to spend the rest of my life with him, but he is not my FP. that makes me feel incredibly guilty.

i love my (platonic) FP more than i love him. it's an intense, obsessive sort of love. a love that hurts me every day. a love that consumes me completely.

i know that i can't choose my FP. i know that if i had this awful sort of love for him that our relationship would be so tumultuous & eventually burn to the ground. my love for him is much more stable & healthy. it just hurts when he says he loves me more than anyone & i can't honestly say it back.

i still split on him. not nearly as much as my actual FP, but i do. in secret.

sadly, too, my FP doesn't even know how i feel about her. if she did, i don't know what i would do. she would hate me. she calls me her best friend, & says she loves me more, but she just doesn't get it.

watching her fall in love with her FP really fucking hurts. i wish she felt about me like i feel about her. & phrases like that make me feel like a terrible partner to my fiancé.

i wish i didn't have BPD.

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[demonized-infodumps]

the desire to make myself worse as a mentally ill person is so bad. Fandom I'm in got into some drama where people tried replicating a fictional cult irl (iykyk) and lowkey dunno what to say even knowing all the harm of it I'd still be willing to join.

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[demonized-infodumps]

I'm self-diagnosed PD-NOS and an older minor. I don't want a formal diagnosis because I'm AFAB and my traits are all within a cluster B disorder that can be diagnosed in minors, so I'd face ridiculous levels of ableism. So I've basically just resigned myself to thinking that everyone will think I'm a faker. Even certain friends who don't will just be giving me the benefit of doubt. At some level, I feel like I believe it myself, even though I know I'm not. It's why I've never told anyone IRL but my therapist (who's been my therapist for years and knows better than to fakeclaim). But even I feel like she's humoring me. After all, I have issues, but I'm still "normal," right?

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[demonized-infodumps]

We are a system, and one thing we have trouble explaining to ppl is most of us (as in alters, not other systems) don't really care or have trouble caring about friends or family outside the system. Of course we feel empathy (we feel alot of it depending on who is fronting) and will help others ofc, but it never really affects us either?? I know a few alters that have met and are on good terms with our friends but I know deep down will easily break that if told to by our main gatekeeper.

This is what I'm pretty sure is due to our gatekeeper (and how we lived) teaching us to always care about our roles above anything, that going for friendship or relationships. For example; alot of our alters have the belief that an out of system relationship (mainly romantic somewhat platonic) is useless cause they feel it would get in the way of their "job" (mainly our protectors and gatekeepers). Our main gatekeeper himself has this problem the worse (no offense to him cause ik that mf is watching) as he refuses to talk to any of our friends unless it was something he deemed important. It really isn't fun and it pisses me off a bit but it's hard to help them atleast loosen up a bit cause the amount of times we have been "backstabbed" I guess you can say.

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[demonized-infodumps]

I'm schizophrenic & I have some, umm, unique spiritual beliefs. it's nothing harmful and it's pretty nifty, I like how I see the world and how I interpret my life. but FUCK, I'm sick and tired of having to choose between telling someone I'm spiritual and telling them I'm delusional, because if I ever tell someone I'm both of those things then they'll assume my beliefs are also a delusion!!! they're not in the slightest - I know myself and I know my brain, my personal experience with delusions is that they're always harmful and stress-inducing - my beliefs are not produced by my brain's innate desire to freak me out, so I know I'm of sound mind as I continue to believe in them. I wish I could tell the people closest to me that I'm both of these things without changing how they see me forever. I wish people would stop believing schizophrenic = untrustworthy.

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[demonized-infodumps]

As weird as it sounds, we as a system find indulgence in the trope of evil alters. We do acknowledge that "oh, yeah it's not good rep at all and should not be considered such" alongside the ableism. But the drama aspect of it and the underlying potential character studies for said source material and psychological too (that often go unacknowledged by the creators) are so juicy. And also it's sort of empowering and nice to see rep (even if it's really, really horrid in reality but there's not a Lot Of DID/OSDD-1 rep)

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[demonized-infodumps]

People are supportive of DID until it stops being cool and interesting (and that's if they don't straight up say it's lying for attention).

They're supportive until:

- you constantly contradict yourself

- you show less 'fun' signs of being traumatized

- you're not the alter they want to hang out with all the time

- you engage in self destruction and don't remember it

- you're too 'out' about being a system and it's attention seeking

- you're not out ENOUGH about being a system because you owe them explanations for why you're like this

- the persecutors are not immediately healed

- your symptoms become an inconvenience and you're triggered

- way more

Anyway THANK YOU so much for this blog, cluster b and personality disorders and dissociative disorders and so many more are SO demonized just for us existing. ily /p

I'm glad we can provide a safe space for people to just be themselves.

[demonized-infodumps]

"I support people who stim! Anyone can stim around me! I'm a safe person to stim around and any form of stimming is OK!" Do you really though?

are you OK with stimming when it's a full body stim?

are you OK with stimming when it doesn't fit in with the infantilised view of "aesthetic" or "cutesy" stimming?

are you OK with stimming when it's a harmful stim? (e.g. pulling at hair, banging/hitting things)

are you OK with stimming when it's almost always constant without masking any of it?

are you OK with stimming when it's part of a meltdown?

are you OK with stimming when it's not an auditory (making or listening to sounds) or vestibular (stims related to balance, movement, spatial orientation) stim?

are you OK with stimming when it is something you also do?

are you OK with stimming when it isn't a watered down, infantilised version of stimming created to be palatable for neurotypicals?

I'm not saying everyone who says this are lying (because a lot definitely aren't) but please think about this before claiming that you're OK with ALL forms of stimming.

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[demonized-infodumps]

people love mentally ill people until they’re a paraphile. Where’s our support. I thought you said you were a mental health advocate. I thought you cared

guess not if you’re disgusting

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[demonized-infodumps]

The amount of hate I see on pocd is insane. You think I wanna have these thoughts? You think I enjoy this?

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[demonized-infodumps]

grrrrr i want to just. UGGHHHH

to preface - i’m a minor and don’t have any diagnosis. i try my best to research but i’m aware i could be wrong.

i hate hate hate how my brain works. i think i have *inhale* bpd/npd, autism, osdd (or some disassociation disorder), perhaps adhd and a delusional disorder (though it could just be the bpd??? but sometimes there r more visual hallucinations so irdk). i can never tell anyone though, because i’m young and i’m terrified i’m making it up. i hate ppl using “delulu” or calling someone a psychopath.

i try my best to stay out of communities for bpd/npd/osdd/autism bc i’m so worried i’m wrong and i don’t want to unintentionally mock those communities. but at the same time it matches my experience perfectly. idk man.

can i be 🥀 anon?

I'm afraid that signoff is already taken.

[demonized-infodumps]

(Tw caps)

As as a pwNPD I’m so fucking tired of feeling like a need to be perfect all the time.

yesterday! stepparent walked into the room while I had the tv paused on an ‘ugly’ frame. I feel horrible for the rest of the night and have to do something else for multiple hours to distract myself but the moment I stop being distracted I feel shitty again.

today! Posted something talking about an alternative name for something in a show bc the cannon one only made so much sense. Got a Reblog from someone claiming it wouldn’t make sense but it was a cool idea.

(My idea DID MAKE SENSE AND THE ONLY THING THEY BROUGHT UP IS HOW THE GENDERED (female) TERM IN THE NAME WOULD CONFLICT W/ THE (male) LEADER OF THE GROUP EVEN THOUGH THE IN CANNON GROUP W/ A MALE-ONLY NAME IN THE TITLE HAS A FEMALE LEADER AND IM SO UPSET FOR NO RESON!!!)

anyway time to listen to AM’s hate speech bc it’s so me rn frfr!!!!! (/silly tone /srs statement)

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[demonized-infodumps]

"I love mentally disabled people ! ! " until I have an episode and accidentally yell at you ( i apologized over and over again ) over you endlessly talking about your partner around me when you * know * I have bpd and don't like it ! ! ! ( I do still feel like it was my fault so any advice is greatly appreciated ! )

-🕯🔥

I have no advice to offer.