The Things That We Leave Behind
I caught myself swimming
In my own consciousness today
At another weekly appointment
For my grandma, or my nanny, I say
Back in December she nearly died,
A pain in her stomach and her insides weren't right
And though her body has mostly recovered,
It seems her mind just hasn't quite
It's akin to that
Of a candle and its wick(er)
One minute there's a bright flame
And the next but a flicker
And some things you just know
Are the flint for that spark
That no matter how dim
That flame will never go dark
And it just so happens there I was
Swimming in a sea of questions
Wading through the existential
Butterfly stroke in full progression
When suddenly I feel a flick
That hits me in the shoulder
And I see my Nanny smiling
So I grin back before I told her
Hey Nan, "who did Joe Morgan play for?"
And instantly her eyes resembled that of a moon
On the darkest of nights
That could light up a whole room
"I know he played for the Reds..."
"Yes, that's right, the Big Red Machine!
And before that the Astros, too,
The Reds were my favorite team."
And on we chatted about baseball
Til she was called back by the Doc
Getting things in order for major surgery
This Friday at 8 o'clock
And in that return to silence
I smiled and enjoyed that moment
Something I wish I could share
But in memories there are no bestowments
And it left me thinking, that, perhaps,
The most tragic outcome to be as we come to pass
Isn't simply the family we leave
But our memories we left in tact
The things we last remembered
As real as they may ever be
And as existent as ever but
Memories no one will ever see
Of our experiences, thoughts, and feelings
Knowledge I wish could stay alive
And be passed with each generation
In a treasured and loved archive
But I understand in it's simplicity
That this is not how any of that works
Life gives you a limited amount of time
But with it an endless amount of worth
To share with those who made you who you are
Those that gave you the gift of love and purpose
From up close and no matter how far
Perhaps, that's the most tragic and important thing we leave behind...
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My Friend Jacob
The welcomes were warm, the embraces were tender, and smiles were aplenty one Tuesday in the midst of January. A purple carpet awaited the front gate with students and staff applauding and cheering wholeheartedly. School had resumed from Winter Vacation the week prior, and although this was a celebration regarding the return to school, the reasoning behind it was far more pure.
In May of 2022, one of Alpine Vista's very own students was diagnosed with Leukemia. Jacob Mendoza, a Special Ed student of Alpine Vista since Kindergarten, would go on to miss the next 7 months of school battling this illness. Through strength, determination, positivity and lots of support, Jacob was able to return to the school he so loved and cherished.
On Tuesday, January 17th, 2023 Jacob was welcomed back with open arms. As Jacob's long time aide of 6 years, I, perhaps, had the widest arms open to him when he returned. "There aren't enough words to describe what Jacob has meant to me over the past 6 years. We've grown together. Being that I'm a runner I always joke that I showed Jacob how to run. But like the true Eagle that he is, he soars; he showed me how to fly," I penned in an emotional post on social media following his return to school.
For the past 6 years Jacob has had support from me, his morning aide, and McKenna, his afternoon aide. The ‘Dynamic Trio’ I called us because together we could overcome any obstacle, and we did. We did everything together. We played endless games of Duck-Duck-Goose and Hot Wheels. We watched so many Disney movies together. McKenna and I taught him how to write and read, how to do math, and how to become independent. COVID kind of threw a wrench in everything but the foundation was set.
More importantly, however, Jacob taught me about the beauty of being human. I’d say it took a solid year or so before Jacob really got used to me, and about 2 years before Jacob really trusted and befriended me. But this was so important because it taught me the truest form of patience. 6 years have gone by with so many changes to our support team and yet the one constant has always been Jacob and I. My sidekick, my student, my friend.
I’ve seen Jacob grow from a little boy into a thriving adolescent. He’s got the purest of hearts and the biggest of hugs. He’s always willing to share, and he’s so dang stubborn at times. Ha! And yet, through much trial and error, success and setbacks, tears and smiles, Jacob continues to see success and share his joy with everyone who crosses his path. Good day or bad, Jacob always brightens my day.
Whether you see him tap dancing on campus with Mrs. Frediani, greeting students and staff with hugs and high-fives throughout the day, eating his favorite chips, Hot Cheetos, or just sitting and hanging out, Jacob is a continual beacon of joy and hope on campus. We are all incredibly thankful that he is back. Welcome back, Jacob. 💜
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A poem for Jacob
A morning drive across town
Is certainly not new to me
I've done this for 6 years
And, for the most part, happily
Down West Street to Cross Avenue
All the way down I go
'til I hit Mooney Boulevard
And then I know
I'm in the ball park of our school
Oh, the fun I'll have at work
I'll be waiting at the front gate
And you'll arrive late like clockwork
You're dancing to the sound of
Can't Stop the Feeling
Singing, walking, and tripping
And I'm laughing, giggling, and squealing
You're such a goofball,
I always called you a goofy goober
But you'd point at me and call me
A Cooper Cooper
I smile and hold on to this
So deeply inside my heart
It feels like I'm living this
All over again from the start
But as I hear a car horn honk
And I snap out of my happy thoughts
A knot appears in my stomach
Arriving with the sadness it brought
To work I'm still beckoned
And so onto Alpine I turn left
Arriving with out someone
Whose absence has left me bereft
Jacob, it's been 4 months since
Our paths last crossed
It's been difficult without you
And at times I feel lost
It feels like I'm chasing shadows
Not knowing if and when you'll return
Not hearing anything about your condition
Sitting absent minded with nothing to learn
Feeling left in the dark
That's the hardest part of grieving
Seeing you suffer and being angry
At cancer for thieving
When for the better part of 6 years
You've been a staple of my life
We did everything together
Through many tears and lots of strife
I showed you how to run
But you showed me how to fly
You gave me so much purpose
To say otherwise would be such a lie
From teaching you how to write
And even how to read
Doing basic addition
My expectations you'd always exceed
All those times you'd be silly
Running from me and hiding
In the wrong classroom
With another teacher presiding
Or when you'd eat my snacks
When I wasn't aware
I lost endless bananas and figs
But learned to bring some spares
All those memories just bottled up
Hidden treasures deep inside
Too hard to think about at times
Because pain set them aside
I miss you Jacob
And all your goofy little quirks,
The things that make you tick
And your big hugs and little smirks
I miss seeing you flourish
In all that you attacked
Your potential is limitless
The surface you're beginning to scratch
The truth is, I just miss you
I think about you all the time
I didn't cherish the memories enough
And to me that's such a crime
But I know now to hold on
And make the most of today
And we'll continue this journey again
Not too soon but not too far away
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But where?
Where do those little pieces go?
When, you know,
The smallest treasured memories
Are taken from us
The sound of a voice
The caress of a hug
The look of a smile
The warmth of our love
Things that
Make up who we are
Lost in the process of grieving
But also over time
Because Death
It doesn't just deal
In grand larceny
But also in petty theft
The smallest parts of you
You wish it would have left
Pieces important to hold
That could forever be cherished
With all of your soul
Once remembered
Yet forgotten now
Gone as time moved along
Pieces unseen by others
Now blind to you
And you're left wondering
Where did those little pieces go?
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Anxiety
I've been thinking a lot lately
Perhaps too much in time
Spent pondering these thoughts
Within the confines of my own mind
There's always two truths
For every question I pose
Two outcomes to exist
In a world of unknowns
Not quite some philosophical
Or productive train of thoughts
It's that innate fight or flight
Arriving with the suddenness it brought
Wait, what's going on?
Why is my heart pounding?
The blood pumping in my ears
That's not normal sounding
Is that person staring at me?
Do I look unwell?
My brain is going haywire
But maybe no one can tell
It'll be okay, just take a breath
Maybe I'll figure out what it was
And that'll help sometimes
But not always, and that's because
Anxiety - It's that feeling you get
When something is wrong
You can't pinpoint what it is
But it's been hiding there all along
It's an icky feeling that creeps
And crawls all over your skin
With a sudden coldness
That hits deep from within
Your breathing getting heavier
While your chest grips tighter
Your thoughts telling you bad things
That you're a quitter, and not a fighter
As panic turns to chaos
And chaos turns to fright
Afraid of what's ahead
When there's nothing ahead in sight
That feeling, it's absolute dread
It stays hidden but always there
And I know I'm not a hypochondriac
But I'm just hyper aware
Of how I always feel normally
And so I know when that's off
My brain goes into overdrive
Like a rocket going blastoff
Into orbit, spiraling viciously
Clouds of thoughts continuing to grow
Sometimes I can reel it in
And other times I just don't know.
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A Rose
A rose
Can be said
To be
The most beautiful flower
Its petals
An entrancing red
A kiss from
Love itself
But why is it
That roses
Are always trimmed
And pruned
Gone are its thorns
Pieces that
Added to its quality
Hidden
Like scars
We wear
A culmination
Of our experiences
That shape
Who we are
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A Reflection
A broken Timex clock
Rests along the corner of my wall
Its ticking long forgotten to my ears
And yet I stare at it after all
I should probably change that battery
So that ole thing has a purpose
Breathe new life into something
That may have been worthless
It's been stuck at twelve thirty seven
And forty three seconds for quite some time
I wonder when it ticked its last tick
And if I heard that last chime
I probably missed that instance
I should have paid better attention
As life continued to continue on
Something I feel important to mention
Just this past week
Two family members passed away
One from a preventable sickness
And the other from old age and decay
It's been difficult to see my family
Have to suffer and mourn
But perhaps the truest tragedy
Is now only having memories to adorn
I've been trying to process this long week but
So many thoughts are compounding in my head
I'm trying my hardest to compartmentalize
But I'm sitting here overwhelmed instead
I've been struggling to recall
The last memories I had with those two
It's been a long time since I had seen
Some family that I barely knew
But hearing stories from my Mom
Teary eyed, her voice trembling and such
She loved her Grandma and cousin
Oh I can see just how much
From important events in her life
To random things along the way
That's the beauty of having an impact
With you the smallest moments can stay
Those in-betweens I call them
Daily happenings, fragments of our lives
Beautiful and happy and sad
Stored in our brain's archives
Of moments captured in the mind
And forever in the soul
Things noticed looking back
And that the heart will always hold
I'm reminded of all of this
As my dog curls up next to me on my bed
Her presence gives me pause
As I soak up this moment in my head
She looks so peaceful
Her breathing calm and composed
I can feel her warmth radiating
And all of her love enclosed
I wish I could live in this moment
And never have to let it go
But I know I need to sleep
To rest my mind you know
So goodnight to these thoughts
I'm glad they were described
I'll leave you with one last idea
I forgot to transcribe
Perhaps that's the crux of life
Not losing sight of what's in front of you
Cherishing it all while you can
And fondly remembering it through
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1992 in 2021
I was raised
In the smallest of small towns
In California’s Central Valley
Where farming, religion, and conservative politics were all around
I never really understood race
Or culture as a complex issue
I didn’t know what a melting pot was
Because it was dismissed too
These things just weren’t taught
Instead we learned about calculus and welding
Not to undersell those subjects
But to avoid sociocultural issues that were dwelling
It took some time in college,
A privilege not everyone will be able to know
Through sociology and native american classes
Where classism, racism, and bigotry they were able to show
This really opened my eyes
To back at home where I'll clarify
Take a look at the East and West divide
And tell me that doesn’t scream gentrify?
Minimal real estate development
And nothing but gas station liquour stores
With latinos, gangs, homeless on the West side but
Rich white folks on the East side with everything and more
And, NO, not all here are bigoted -
But this area isn’t particularly progressive
There are some open minded people here
But it’s so hard to be self-expressive
With right wingers calling you snowflake
Christians damning you to hell
For identifying as LGBTQ
And all the derogatory things people yell (daily)
Social media is even worse with
Gun-touting, anti mask, and anti-vax
Crying about the current President
When the last one didn't even pay taxes
And as much I'd like to say
These thoughts don't cause an outburst
People just don't respect my differing beliefs
So how can I even respect theirs first?
Especially when they're shamefully outdated
Equal pay, affordable housing and livable wages
College tuition - these are absolutely doable
Let women police their own bodies, this isn't the dark ages
Fuck. Living here is truly rough
When you want to feel like you're being heard
Or even feel like you're making a difference
When sometimes that can feel absurd
But now is that time; it's long overdue
When it absolutely is about right vs wrong
And not playing peace maker or avoiding because
We are not all meant to get along
And as I’ve always publicly stated
If you want to make a change
Then you’ll do all that you can
So your children can live better in exchange
And so, I grew up in California,
In Tulare to be exact,
I was born into Mexican culture
And I’m fucking proud of that
Hold your head up and stand up tall
Because I'll glady embrace and walk with you all
We're all unique and brilliant through and through
And we all have something to add to the melting pot stew.
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With Certain Uncertainty
Lately I’ve been struggling to find
The right words to express,
These thoughts which cross my mind
At times it seems in excess.
So please excuse my thoughts
In the ensuing lines of text,
Im trying to gather these ideas
To organize this jumbled up mess.
We’ve spent weeks in isolation
As things are beginning to unfold,
With no visible end in sight
Our lives are currently on hold.
Gone are the days of routine
And whatever that meant for you,
For me it meant everything
I’m starting to realize just how true.
At the 6:30 a.m. on the daily
Tossing my phone across the room,
I hate that I’m so groggy
And have too much coffee by noon.
But soon 2 o'clock rolls around
And out of the classroom I’m headed,
Time to get ready for practice
For a workout that’ll leave me shredded.
This was my life three weeks ago
But now I’m starting to adjust,
Isolation is the new the norm
As safety is now a must.
And yet I find myself reminiscing
So often throughout the day,
It’s hard to keep myself busy
When my mind has so much to say.
I miss my SPED kiddos
And their goofy little quirks,
The things that made them tick
And their hugs and little smirks.
I’m sad I can’t see my seniors flourish
In their final season of track,
Their potential was limitless
The surface they were beginning to scratch.
But I’m so grateful for all of the moments
That life always happens to make,
Not only the big things that occur
But the little things for granted we take.
Those ‘in betweens,’ I call them
Are what really get to me the most,
Those moments overlooked everyday
That life always seems to host.
Like driving kids home after practice
Or seeing a coworker smile,
Talking sports with a kiddo
And not knowing that would be it for a while.
Right now uncertainty plagues us all
In the midst of a certain unknown,
And even though we’re all so connected
Some of you might feel so alone -
Maybe not simply a loneliness
That you just can’t seem to shake,
Maybe you’ve created negative thoughts
And bad habits you need to break.
Despite the fact that we have to separate
And company we now have to spare,
We’re all suffering together
And for each other we should certainly be there.
In any case, whatever your situation is
Please don’t hesitate to speak,
No matter how bad things may look
The situation is never too bleak.
Stay safe friends,
And keep your heads up. ♥️
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The Fable
As news recently came to light
Of a fool’s romantic plight
That ‘twas engaged in a lover’s tryst
And that tale goes a little like this
A tireless soul carelessly running amuck
Trading love for lust in bad fortune with luck
And those young ladies who couldn’t see
What this fellows intentions in fact may be
There was quite the issue one fateful day
When mischief confronted honesty or so they say
And this lead disbelief to turn into rage
While happiness looked on the situation it was trying to gauge
But no shortage of emotions could stop
This free for all from happening which should’ve been a co-op
And so pride stepped up to join the bout
With jealousy joining in, and trust exiting out
Onward looked love crying in the stands
Heartbreak emerging slowly, carefully holding hands
With remorse and grief, probably anger, too
I wasn’t there but loathing saw the view
Of pain that won in all of the commotion
The saddest of battles with all of the emotions
With shame and contempt biding their time
Fleeing the scene and leaving their crime
Emptiness comes out to clean up the mess
Confusion assessing the details and trying to guess
In the aftermath of all of this trouble
And within the ugliness all of the rubble
We’re left with a fable that neglects such joy
Telling us of the importance of integrity which we shouldn’t destroy
But perhaps in hope we shall always carry
The love and truth, happiness shall always marry
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Jacob Garavito
I’m trying to wrap my head around
The fact that you are no longer here
Many people come and go
But in my heart you were so very dear
You weren’t just my gaming buddy
You were such a genuine friend
It’s heartbreaking your time has come
And that this is now the end
I’ll reminisce in the past
Endless days that we had spent
Staying up late playing Xbox
That which I now lament
We had some serious convos
About life, women and sports
We talked shit, laughed and cried
And I’m gonna miss that of course
I even remember telling you
The steps that I’d recommend
You saw counseling for your mind
Oh how which I commend
I even recall talking with you
Just a few days prior
You seemed to be doing okay
But I guess the situation was dire
And I’m struggling to accept if there
Was more that I could have done
You didn’t deserve this fate
But your demons got to you and won
And it hurts knowing your presence
Will no longer be there
No more pushing carts at Target
A thought that I can’t bear
I’ll never hear your voice again
And that fills with me so much dread
You saying, “Wassuppp Dom!”
I’ll now only hear in my head
You had so much going for you
In your last few weeks on Earth
You had your whole life ahead
You had an endless amount of worth
But some things you can’t overcome
Some battles you just can’t win
You take the hurt and the pain
And find there’s no more space left to bottle within
And yet, I can’t quite find solace
In knowing you’ve found your peace
You had to die to find it
To gain that sense of release
But I want to say thank you
For stumbling into my way
We made some kick ass memories
That I’ll cherish each and every day
You made a true impact on me
A thought I will never neglect
Until our paths cross once again
That time I’ll have to deflect
Rest easy, Tubalent.
I love you my friend.
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My First
The Second of June, Twenty Ten
It’s been 8 years or so
And quite a few thoughts since then
I know you’re not reading this
And to you I no longer exist
But I never apologized
For all my faults I fully dismissed
I’m sorry how I acted
In our waning days of end
I didn’t mean those words I said
But I’ve fully changed since then
Life has come full circle
And I’ve learned quite a bit
Through many losses and struggles
I’ll have to admit
But I just wanted to reach out
To get this off of my chest,
To put these thoughts in a coffin
And fully lay them to rest
I never appreciated all we were
And that’d be a lie if otherwise I’d say
You were my first for so many things
In a myriad of ways
You were the first girl
To passionately give me a kiss
Our lips pressed tightly together
And that I seem to miss
You were the first person
I ever made love to
It was more than just sex
And I’m thankful I experienced that with you
You were the first girl
I ever gave away my heart for
I haven’t done that since
But I’d like to once more
You were the first person
I think I meant I’d die for
Obviously not so much now
But back then I swore
You were the first girl
That ever understood who I was
You appreciated my strengths
And even my flaws just because
And yet, you were the first girl
Who ever made me cry
You broke my heart
And made me want to die
You were the first
To take everything I gave
And say goodbye
with out even a wave
You were my first true heartbreak
And my first true love
You were once my first thought
And now the last thing I want to think of
Thank you for all of that.
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A Whiff
The smell of nostalgia
Isn’t particularly pure
It’s different for everyone
But it’s recognizable I am sure
It’s in a whiff of laundry detergent
As I run by some house
And how your mom used to always
Wear that pink blouse -
Whenever I was over
At that corner house on Wilson and M
We made endless memories there
And I’m forever grateful for them
And yet, nostalgia doesn’t end
It’s a scent that largely looms
As someone passes by and
I catch your perfume
It was a spray on your neck
And then on your wrist
It was a diamond shaped bottle
And I’m lost in its mist
Nostalgia sits along the trimmings
Of freshly cut grass
You kissed me passionately
And then threw me on my ass
As we wrestled
In your front lawn
We lived life together
In a past long gone
I’m reminded of this
In a breath of the cleanest air
It was a day in March
And it was filled with despair
And the scent reeked
Just like it does today
When I caught a whiff of heartbreak
And we went our separate ways
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Yearbook
Dust gathers ‘round
A blanket of sorts
Along the brim
Of a bookshelf
In a room of course.
A collection of words
Given by many
Seen by too few
Encased in a line
Or paragraph or two.
Pictures shape the stories
Of a long forgotten past
Words optimistically chosen
From someone’s thoughts
Long believed to last.
This stamp in time
Significant of the latter
A shell of oneself
In every sense
That could matter.
And yet
As the words read
“Please, never change”
A look of despair
Crosses my face
As I come to realize
I’ve only stayed the same.
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I stay alone
Friday nights used to be
Memoirs in motion,
Pages from a book
I was writing
As life paved forth
The path I traveled down.
Bubbles of thought
From the bongs I toked;
Ideas that carried me
Toward something.
I think?
Now I sit
Aged and aging,
Infected by another
Booze infested binge
On another weeknight
Circling back and back,
Not just the room spinning
But my priorities as well.
One more and I’m done.
I promise.
I have to be up early tomorrow
To grow up.
I’m trying, though.
It’s just fucking hard sometimes.
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Closely Far Away
I’m ever searching for
The right words to share
To enlighten and to showcase
Something I normally wouldn’t dare
It’s not in the essence of
Being perfect or whatever that means
But I don’t want to put forth
Something that isn’t ready to be seen
It’s like when I’m writing a poem
Or jotting some thoughts down
Everything is very specific
It can’t just be any verb or noun
Or perhaps something as simple
As finding a running shoe
People settle for Nike and Adidas
But I search endlessly through
So when I say I’m searching
It’s because of what you deserve
I need you to visualize
The things about you that I observe
I see a person with a smile
As pure as one may ever see
It radiates such happiness
And leaves me full of glee
I see beauty personified
Not simply because you’re attractive
It’s the manor in which you exist -
Not to sound stupid or abstractive
I see stars and feel light headed
Whenever you pass on by
It’s not that I’m holding my breath
You’re just making my ‘heart sigh’
There’s so much I wish you could know:
Things I wish I had the courage to say
I need you to know that
I normally don’t feel this way
I need you to know that
My heart races when you’re around
That’s not something jaw dropping
But to me it’s profound
I need you to hear that
I saw you smile at me yesterday
My stomach was in my throat
And I quickly looked away
And I’m sorry if that action
Came across as maybe rude
I may be having a rough day
But your smile always brightens my mood
In fact, I recall holding the door for you
One afternoon on our way out
You smiled and thanked me quietly
And that was all I could think about
Not just for the day
But probably for a week
Since then I’ve struggled to think
My thoughts endlessly I seek
To perhaps put into words and
Spare myself the disaster
Of telling you how I feel
I don’t need to be a forecaster
But that’s okay because
I wouldn’t imagine I’d have a chance
To tell you these things would be hard
When I can barely stomach a glance
I’m not the greatest with words
I’ve studied and written but still I yearn
To find the right thoughts to create
That you’ll probably never learn
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Zero to Twenty-five
I once was a selfish boy
Who sought material things
Through the value of presents
And what they would bring
Until I aged
into a curious teen
I grew a little bit more
From the lessons I had seen
And so I continued to grow
Into a young man,
And I learned to always love
And cherish while I still can
But shortly thereafter
I lost family members, too,
Aunt, Uncle and Grandma,
To name a few
And that affected me greatly,
As I continued to grow
I learned that life is
Only as long as we know
Meaning it can be taken
In an instant - gone in a flash -
Yours for a minute before
Tumbling down in a crash
So here I am
now at twenty-five
Using the hardships I've faced
As motivation to strive
For the goals they would have
Loved to see me achieve
The memory of my family
Carries me always I believe
And now I've come to value,
The priority of family as my first
Whatever comes afterward
Can be evenly dispersed
Life isn't guaranteed
In any sense of the phrase
To live and to love for
That's what I live for these days.
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