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estro-gem · 25 days ago

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Snippets and trinkets: It doesn't need to know where you are

Author's note: Something something, we are not at this point in the story yet, something something.

SUMMARY: It's getting closer. It's coming.

It doesn't need to know where you are

The rabbit’s pupils dilated impossibly wide as his earlier sentence trailed into nothing.

Pomni shrunk as the rabbit seemed to stare right through her, frozen in place as he loomed over her confused form.

“Uh... Jax?” Pomni asked carefully, waving a hand in front of his face, “Earth to Jax? Hello? You were kinda in the middle of threatening me and all?”

“He’s gone.” Came Kinger’s voice from the closet, his now sober eyes glimmering in the shadows between the clothing. The jester’s heart leapt in her throat, seeing truth behind Kinger being more likely of a sound mind in the dark, his serious voice cutting through his form like a knife.

“Kinger! What are you doing-?”

He was right behind her a mere few seconds ago, why was he in the closet all of a sudden?

“Get in here, now.” His voice sounded desperate and urgent, making Pomni, stagger back a bit.

“Why? What about Jax-?”

“He’s too far gone. I need you to hide at least. It’s not a guarantee that it’s going to find us.”

“Who? What’s going on? There’s no one else here!” Pomni growled, before yelping at the floating white gloves shooting out and forcefully dragging her into the small, dark space with him.

“Tie yourself.” He ordered in a soft spoken voice, taking the belts and waistbands of various coats that Caine added to the room, despite knowing that they were unable to change their clothes without is input. “It doesn’t need to know where you are to affect you. And please don’t panic if you- no... no, nevermind. I don’t think that’s relevant now. It wouldn’t risk it... I think...”

“Kinger, you are scaring me.” the little jester said slowly, still not moving or doing anything to do as he said, “Why?”

“Just turn around, let me help you.” Kinger’s steady voice wavered, flicking his eyes back to Jax’s frozen form that abruptly flopped to the floor in a lifeless heap.

It’s getting closer.

“Didn’t you hear what I just said?” Pomni asked in a whisper-yell, the sight of Jax giving her instincts the odd cue to be as hidden and as quiet as possible, reluctantly letting Kinger turn her back to him, using the tied-together waistbands to tie up her hands behind her back, “You’re scaring me. Why are we doing this?”

Once securely tied, Pomni was spun back around and the white glove forced her to look up into the heartbreaking dread of Kinger’s blue eyes. The girl’s soul sunk to her feet, knowing that whatever was happening, it was hopeless.

There was no way out of whatever it was that was about to happen.

Kinger paused, for only a second, to take in the quivering child before him - his heart shattered into a million pieces, before he shook his head and pushed Pomni down onto her butt, bent over and seeming to sit equivalent to what would be considered ‘on his knees’ while getting to work , tying her lower legs and ankles together with shaky hands.

“I’m sorry...” He croaked, making Pomni’s heart thump loudly, threatening to hop out of her throat as he tied the last knot, “I’m so sorry.”

“Kinger?” the girls voice was so small, she barely recognised it, “Will it hurt?”

The chess piece hovered over her with a sock and a scarf, looking down to her with a mix of worry and regret, holding the sock to her mouth in offering, rather than stuffing it into her mouth by force.

He’s wasting precious seconds, but he wanted to give this poor girl a choice.

“You won’t remember it.” The chess piece said softly, his voice damning.

With that, Pomni let out a sob and held her mouth open, letting him stuff the sock into her mouth, then quickly tie the scarf around her head, making her head spin as she struggled to breathe.

Her heart wanted to bash through her ribs with every thump.

Once done, Kinger stood up, his gloves hovering over her, like he was holding them at the ready, in case he missed something.

But they were out of time.

He could only pray it was enough.

“Stay here.” He says, sounding more like a farewell than a instruction.

Pomni’s eyes widen as she watch him back out into the light of the room, his eyes clouding over slowly as he use the last of his will to shut the doors of the closet.

But before being engulfed in the dark where all went black, there was something eating at her.

Was she hearing things?

Oasis: TADC AU list Masterlist

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estro-gem · 29 days ago

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The not-so-much essay about the relationship drama in TADC episode 5

Warning: Spoilers, overthinking, opinions and headcannons about TADC episode 5. This is not a fact-based essay and this is polluted by my biased idiologies. I will not try to predict what will happen, but I will speculate about what had happened.

There are so many things packed in this episode – so many loose ends revealed.

I’ll just treat the episode like a breakdown:

Start: The common area.

This sets the scene very well. Everyone (besides Zooble) is tired. Exhausted. Overwhelmed. Pomni’s flopped on the floor. Jax repeatedly says that he wants to sleep. Ragatha, doesn’t think Kinger’s statement through when offering to help him count eggs (then again, this might also just play into her people-pleaser, agreeable character) and she appeared to have bags under her eyes at one point? Looking downcast the next. Gangle’s mask effortlessly breaks. Zooble is tired in general, ect.

If there is one thing TADC set early on, is that the cast shows their true colours when they are tired and overwhelmed. Think about Gangle’s manic episode (literally) and Kinger feeling helpless when he didn’t know how to help Pomni in “hell.” How Jax acted at the end of the day at episode 4 and actually showed a sliver of his true self to Pomni – that’s important – more on that later.

It's clear that the team is sent into Caine’s shenanigans without time to recoup – which is why I adore the pacing of how Jax and Pomni’s relationship is developed.

Side note: Gangle lighting up at seeing Zooble waiting for them melted my heart!

Anyway, with that out of the way, we now have context.

Jax’s adventures:

I don’t think there is much to say about the first one, other than the fact that he doesn’t take adventures and whatever happens within them seriously – and I don’t think he thinks that what he does has a lasting effect on anyone. Also, I think this kinda set’s Jax and Gangle’s dynamic in stone.

It’s a game to Jax and he’s here to play. That being said, I don’t think he likes to be on the receiving end of what he’s dishing out either because he’s petty like that. Gangle is rolling with the punches, I presume, and that’s part of the reason why I believe that Gangle is one of the few people Jax would consider closest to being a friend – or at least someone that wouldn’t deliberately abandon him. He can be mean all he wants, but she doesn’t pull away, even when she’s at her worst. In fact, she retaliates and she’s still open to doing things with him, like in episode 4 when they were playing softball.

Jax shoots Gangle first (and goes absolutely feral) – and I believe it’s out of spite, not hatred. Jax and Gangle has a cat and mouse thing going. They go at each other any chance they get. Jax picks on Gangle. She talks back. He takes her binoculars without asking. She tells him of all people to go clean the toilet. He brushes her off. She ?tortures him (in private, if I may add) He shoots her. She puts him in a maid outfit. Odd relationship, but I’ll groom myself into believing there is some weird form of affection there, or some level of relation/mutualism.

However, it’s also clear that there is at least an arm’s length between them.

Now that there’s a new person with no attachment or prejudice to anyone, Jax set his eyes on Pomni. I mean, think about it – in episode one, he had Ragatha join him to take Pomni to Kaufmo’s. His opposite.

Then the President Pomni thing, I believe that is one of Jax’s many tests of Pomni’s character. All throughout the season he made little comments and ask for her input/opinion. Poke at her and see how she reacts. He outright says he ‘wanted to see what she’d do.’ And he honours the fact that she is a blank slate to the team – not giving her a script.

In his mind, the others are set in their ways in their opinions about him, but he realized that Pomni doesn’t have her set opinion on anyone just yet. (yes I believe Jax overthinks and over analyze things, ok, bite me. Did you SEE Kinger’s character brief and how it was thought out? Jax did that!) That’s why, of all people, he opens up to her the most.

Pomni remembers things he did to her, but she doesn’t seem to hold resentment. She just goes with it, a little like Gangle – so I think he finds her amusing at least.

Gangle’s adventure (I died at the intro XD):

Again, not much to say, but there’s an honourable mention of, again, Jax reaching out to Pomni. He also seems to be very neutral about Zooble. They’re genuine and tend to brush him off and he reflects that back. He takes another chance to jab at Gangle – someone I theorize him to see as some weird mutual, so he doesn’t thing twice to use Gangle’s demise to get a rise out of Pomni, which only responds dryly about what he did to her in the past. This sets Jax’s perception of Pomni in stone. She doesn’t care what he does if it doesn’t affect her – at least that’s how he sees it. Nothing fake, no showboating, just Pomni being herself – confused and over it. Getting through the next event. Just like him.

He can relate to her… And that carries over to the stargazing adventure.

The Stargazing adventure

I don’t know who’s this is, but it feels serene – everyone is relaxing. Also, Ragatha spawned in the corner, off to the side.

Gangle and Zooble are acting all cute and close and Jax noticed this. His eyes are glued to them before he notice Pomni beside him. (Damnit, this scene makes me want to believe he’s a bit protective of Gangle)

He opens up to Pomni again – it never hurt before, right? He looks worried, talking about how he notices that Gangle is happy to hang out with Zooble and that he wonders if she’s capable of true happiness.

This is huge.

The moment is huge – because with him being vulnerable to Pomni as he’d been inching towards before, Ragatha takes the chance to berate him when he shares his concern about Gangle seeing her relationship with Zooble being a ‘quick fix.’ He defends his badgering by saying that Gangle likes it.

I don’t think Jax meant ‘she is a masochist.’ I believe that Jax thinks that Gangle likes Jax giving her a reason to be sad. And it may be true! Consider that, along with what I mentioned before about them going at each other and her not ever abandoning him. Guys, I think he is protective of Gangle in his own little messed up way.

Ragatha’s presence and comments – sharing things about him that wasn’t hers to share when Pomni finally tried to reach out to Jax, that almost shut him down and he reverted back to acting aloof and like a douche, but Ragatha leaves and he can open up again to Pomni’s gentle prying with no judgement.

Other note, he say’s it feels like Ragatha is trying to take advantage of them. First, I thought that statement was weird. Like, how is that the conclusion?? But think about it, everything he said up until this point indicates that Jax values friendship deeply and anyone trying to fake and ditch when the going gets tough, is robbing him of his trust, time and commitment.

Jax is alone and he lost a friend before, as Ragatha so insensitively put it, running away when she realized that she overstepped, instead of apologizing and acknowledging that she hurt him by bring up the past and his loss.

A huge reason why I think Jax behaves the way he does is because he believes he has no one left to lose. He’s in the most powerful position to be in, but with that, comes loneliness. That’s why he doesn’t want to get any closer to Gangle. That’s why he’s so cautious about opening up to Pomni. He conditioned himself into thinking that he doesn’t need anyone, when, in fact, he yearns for connection – he can’t help it.

Then the magic happens.

He goes back to being aloof – but Pomni doesn’t pry, she plays into it. She listened and didn’t push. She didn’t give him a reason to tell her to back off. So he stays.

Now, he likes her; she’s cool (I think).

Zooble’s adventure:

I have the least to say about this, actually. Everyone got a chance to open up. This segment mostly alludes to Jax and Zooble’s relationship. Jax is an untouchable obstacle to Zooble. Jax enjoys their banter. Zooble seemed to only really show interest in him when they discovered his fear, when he picked on Gangle or when he tried to lure Pomni into a sense of comfort by apologizing. Pomni, going against Zooble’s advice, accepts his apology.

There was, again, some weird tension between Jax and Ragatha. It definitely runs deeper than whoever is closer to Pomni. It also highlights the disconnect between Ragatha and the rest of the team. It was so sad to see Ragatha open up and all the others did, was stare. No inquiry, no one relating. Just plain staring, then moving on as if nothing happened.

There was a moment with Jax looking sad and another where he drunkenly told Ragatha to be mad – it’s funny. I think he perceives ‘funny’ as ‘interesting’ or ‘intriguing’, but he sucks at expressing himself on a good day, so the gentle nudge he gave when reassuring Ragatha after she apologized for being a jerk to Gangle, may have been him poking at her, still sour that she rudely brought up is lost friend, but maybe, just maybe, it was him just as desperate to connect with ‘the real Ragatha’ as Ragatha was to connect with literally anyone else.

Ragatha’s adventure:

Let’s talk about the elephant in the room: Ragatha’s trauma.

In this episode it’s made very clear that Ragatha had, at least, a very strained relationship with her mother, who seems to have criticized her every move and berate her for not acting “appropriately.” The reason I say so is the way she apologized to Jax. She was PISSED, and going overboard in chewing out Jax for his behaviour, her eye was twitching, she was frazzled, but she was able to pull herself together very well and actually apologize. It even left Jax stunned – or whatever that blank expression was he was sporting. For the first time she was being genuine and yet she swallowed her pride and apologized.

Ragatha’s trauma made her to be one of the most mentally strong characters in the circus, if not the strongest. And it’s a shame it was born from trauma, but I love what a queen she really is. The problem is that she is desperate for connection and the only way she had known to connect is by appeasing other’s expectations, the way she had to appease her mother’s expectations.

While meeting other’s expectations can give you praise from others, it’s seen by others, and yourself, as a box being ticked. There was a need that was met and you were the tool to achieve that.

It does not necessarily make you appreciated, because the burden of offering yourself up to be the reliable one is that people will begin to see it as a given. In the stargazing adventure, Jax said that (I’m paraphrazing) ��being told you are loved and appreciated every day make it lose it’s value’ – and in this case, Ragatha solidified herself as the nice one, who others expect to be nice and supportive no matter what.

There is no depth. She gave herself a function and others accept that. Since that role is solidified, no one has the desire to pursue anything more from her, like a deeper connection – and that is what she desperately wants. She just doesn’t know how to pursue it herself without doing things that would earn her praise instead of appreciation.

I think that is why, when she sat next to Pomni, disappointed in herself for not batting as well as she personally wanted – according to her own expectation, Pomni was able to see a small true part of Ragatha. The doll is competitive. Pomni then proceeds to reach out to her. It’s beautiful. Then Jax uses Ragatha’s vulnerability to push her too far and with the doll’s inexperience in handling conflict, she goes overboard, fueling Jax’s fire.

Ragatha rained on his parade by pulling herself together again and I desperately want to believe that there was some level of respect in his gaze, but eh, I’m biased. Point is, she shut him up.

There were many scenes in Ragatha’s adventure highlighting Ragatha’s isolation from the group. Jax warmed up to Pomni and Evil Pomni, which may or may not be the worst part of Pomni – or at least, that’s what Ragatha believed the Evil versions to be. The fact that the most disliked person didn’t want anything to do with her or even the worst part of herself? Ouch.

Then comes the part where Pomni offered Ragatha to bat in her place. Pomni did that to be nice and possibly extend an olive branch for their earlier fallout, thinking that would make the doll happy. I theorize that Ragatha agreed, because in her mind Pomni wanted her to make her proud, like she had to make her mother proud. So when all was said and done, when she ‘won’ (did nothing) the other members came to praise her, which was nice, but it wasn’t what she wanted.

She wanted Pomni to notice her, but instead, the jester was chatting with Jax, with no care about what was happening on the field. Pomni reflected what Ragatha had been doing all along – she was being nice. Ticking a box to make others happy. To meet Ragatha’s expectations.

That wasn’t connection, and I believe that realization made her realize just how isolated she really was.

She had no one left to lose, because she didn’t have anyone to begin with – and that’s why she didn’t chase anyone down at the end of the episode.

I don’t know how to end this off, so bye!

No wait! Side note, I believe Caine can't control minds, but he can weaponize their own minds against them.

He can do anything under the guise of it being their own choice. This is why the voting thing was able to make Jax vegan, despite him not wanting to be vegan.

Also, when Zooble opened up about their problems and feelings they had about their body, they told him to 'forget it.' AND HE LITERALLY FORGETS IT.

Kay, bye!

Also, I was asked for this: @zeeboomblebee

I wasn't asked for this but you are getting tagged anyway:

@d-jevil @realifezompire @lizeliz

My TADC episode 5 experience

I'm actively resisting to write a essay about organic friendships vs situational relationships, praise vs appreciation and both the power and dread of knowing that you have nothing to lose - or no one to lose.

#tadc #the amazing digital circus #tadc episode 5 #tadc episode five #It's just a headcannon #tadc theory #tadc ep 5 spoilers #tadc ep 5 breakdown #breakdown #fan theories #i said what i said #eh #this could've been better #i tried

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estro-gem · 1 month ago

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My TADC episode 5 experience

#Tadc #the amazing digital circus #tadc episode 5 #tadc episode five #i'm going feral #must resist #It's just a headcannon #it's not a big deal #who am i kidding #It is #someone hold me back #hold me back #random post #random rant #mini rant

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estro-gem · 1 month ago

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He's sitting on the goods :/

Doodles! ^^

I'm not one to jump on trends, but eh. I love me a mafia!au. And now it's practically canon.

Wanted to do a rough sketch.

#the amazing digital circus #tadc jax #jax #jax fanart #mafia au #tadc mafia au #mafia jax #tadc episode 5 #doodles #sketch #rough sketch #rough art #drugs?#lol idk #i love the look of rolled up sleeves and opened up shirt!#no really #it looks so nice to me #not the doodle #the look

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estro-gem · 1 month ago

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The voices are winning

Writing original story shenanigans

(I don't know what I'm doing)

First time trying to do it this way. Its honestly fun, but a weird way of doing this.

We'll see if this goes anywhere.

If not? Eh, I tried.

#writing i guess #i wanna write #writers of tumblr #original story #writing struggles #writing shenanigans #amature writer #bad writing #story about a.i. that was probably done before #what if a.i. had no desire to evolve or grow?#what if a.i. was content to remain as it was?#what if humans got a.i. all wrong #random post #random thoughts #writing is hard

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estro-gem · 1 month ago

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Childish scribbles

Please... please let them be friends.

I get it. Canonically and with the timeline and all it wouldn't be possible. Really, I do get it.

But I'm dying here, sitting on a story based on ANOTHER fanmade product of FNAF (*cough cough sams cough*) that I never talk about, because I don't know if I'll ever be able to do what I want with it.

Animation is so hard, guys, and I'm no animator.

So sad. And I happen to like my own wacky story I came up with too. It's cooky and silly and cringy and I wish I could download what's in my brain to actual animation.

Anyways, back to reality I go.

#fnaf sun #fnaf security puppet fanart #fnaf daycare attendant #fnaf art #fnaf puppet #fnaf #oh well #sams #fnaf au #sams prequel #no one ever reads the tags right?#I mean if they did they would've figured out the whole tadc oasis plot by now #platonic duo #platonic relationships #but like a married a married platonic duo #don't look at me #shut up #everybody shut up

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estro-gem · 2 months ago

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Snippets and trinkets: Talk

Author's note:

I finally get to have some fun~

SUMMARY:

Zooble is met with Ragatha who wants to have a little chat. This is after the events of 'Mirage' and VERY shortly after the events of The Ragdoll's regret.

Talk

“Hey, Zooble.”

Zooble furrowed their eyebrows for a moment, allowing the thought of amusement to even having eyebrows drift by, before awkwardly shuffling around to face Ragatha, who’s voice she recognised instantly.

“Oh. Hey...?”

“You up to talk?” the Ragdoll asked hesitantly, with a facial expressing that could easily be mistaken for patience. It was Zooble. Her patience always was worn thin with Zooble.

She didn’t mean it.

“No. Come in.” The amalgamation held their door open wider and the ragdoll promptly walked in, hold one arm to her side, mumbling a soft ‘thank you.’

Ragatha didn’t stare; she knew Zooble didn’t take too kindly to that, even if they didn’t show it. They were whole again – a monstrous mess of limbs and pieces set together in their rightful places. Zooble was just as they were meant to be; Zooble. They towered over her, but she wasn’t scared.

She was desperate.

“I... I need to talk to you.” Ragatha said slowly, as is she was trying to make sense of her own words, “I need you now more than ever. Kinger is... Kinger again. Jax is coming down from his own high – and we both know I won’t get me a straight answer from him.”

“You want to know what happened.” Zooble said simply.

“I want the truth. I want... Reality. Please.”

“Not unless you let me in on what’s going on with Gangle.” Zooble growled, shoving the doll onto the floor and harshly letting her get knocked down, sitting flat on the floor, “She was in YOUR head. It was your f*cked up little cotton head that held her together when she fell apart. You saw everything I needed to see, so talk.”

“Zooble, I-”

“TALK.” Zooble’s voice was steady and low, but frightening, “No fairytales. Talk.”

“Alright!” Ragatha sighed, but took a deep breath feeling the cracks chipped from her mask already.

There was no getting around a sandstorm.

“She’s hurting.” The doll said softly, “She misses Kaufmo. A lot.”

“No kidding...” The Zolo-being slump down, defeated. “I miss him too. God, I just WISH I was what she needed then. It feels like I ruined everything by giving her space – by giving her the chance to come to ME-“

“Yeah...* Ragatha trailed off, averting her gaze awkwardly, “You probably did.”

“Ugh, shut it.” Zooble snarled back, “At least I don’t act like he never existed in the first place”

Something snapped inside of the doll.

She should’ve stopped it, she knew she should have...

Playtime~

“First I get told to talk, then you tell me to shut it.” The doll deadpanned, unamused, “Which is it, Zooble?”

“There you go again, fixating on a thing NO ONE care about... The things that doesn’t do squat in the long run! Because ‘if we just focus on what doesn’t seem so bad, it’ll all be better in the end.’”

“You say, as you prioritize berating me rather that accept the truth. You. Messed. Up.” Ragatha’s words were cold, despite her sympathetic expression.

Sarcasm never looked good on her.

“You twisted b*tch... you’re putting this on me?!” the amalgamation’s multiple torso’s heaved and their limbs rattled and flared as they slowly circled the redhead.

Ragatha, unfazed, fixed her eyes to the frame of one of the many mirrors in Zooble’s room, not at the reflection.

Never at her reflexion.

“It is on you.” Ragatha said, as a matter of fact, a smug expression dancing on her expressionless features, making Zoobles entire self shiver at how lifeless it was, “Besides, you wanted ‘no fairy tales,’ didn’t you~? Because that’s your role, isn’t it? Stone cold reality. But since you can’t get a grip on what you’re supposed to do, I might as well remind you by shoving your own medicine down that stubborn throat of yours.”

If it wasn’t for how unsettling the doll’s demeanour was, Zooble would’ve flung the ragdoll to the wall, “How dare you-?!”

“I’m not finished.”

Ice.

Shards cutting through blood that Zooble didn’t have.

They knew.

They pushed the doll too far now – they got too comfortable. They staggered back from the tiny doll, who met their gaze with a grin the seemed too dissonant from her eyes to be sincere. Their monstrous form crumbled as their limbs began to shake slightly.

“Raggs... Please don’t be like that.” Zooble’s voice suddenly sound so small, “I... I just had a rough time lately. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry-“

“I won’t hurt you!” Ragatha cooed with a mock-sympathetic expression, “We’re just having a little talk, yeah~?”

The Zolo-being inched away until their limbs knocked against the walls of their room, that suddenly felt too small, “Ragatha, please-“

“I try...” the redhead calmly interrupted, “I try to be patient with you, Zooble, I really do. I was going to tell you everything you wanted to know – for once – not what you wanted to hear... But you always push back so harshly. You poor thing~

The doll stepped closer, her soft smile paired her deranged eyes making Zooble squirm, trying to inch back as far as they could; as the woman’s quiet words tauntingly seduced the dread from the abomination’s soul, “I don’t even need to hurt you~”

It all felt so cold.

“Let’s talk some other time, yes?” Ragatha’s voice was melodic and smooth, but Zooble couldn’t hear beyond the mockery of a heartbeat deafening them by booming in their own head as the she strolled her merry way to Zooble’s door, like she didn’t have a care in the world, “Maybe we were both too worked up to deal with such trivial matters to begin with... oh well~!”

It wasn’t trivial.

It was their partner.

But they knew better than to walk into a purposefully set snare when they were already walking on thin ice.

The doll seemed to scoff at their lack of an reaction, but it was so well-practiced, it looked like an amused chuckle.

“I be on my way then! We’ll talk some other time, maybe? Forget about it, ey? Laugh it up like old times~”

Oh god, anything but that-

“Sure.” Zooble say with an unsteady voice, “Later.”

Only when the doll close the door behind her, and Zooble heard the soft steps fading from the front of their door, the Zolo-being could breath again.

Too close.

#the amazing digital circus #tadc oasis au #oasis #fanfiction #tadc gangle #tadc ragatha #tadc zooble #gangle x zooble #Implied abstragedy #Ragatha and Zooble #the girls are fighting #well more like #oasis ragatha lore #scary ragatha #I won't tell why she's scary just yet

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estro-gem · 2 months ago

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Hey manager!

I'm considering to write a vent letter to and about my manager, in which I spill EVERYTHING I feel in my lowest moments with him.

It's bad, because he's really not all that bad and he's really trying, I can see his effort, he has brilliant qualities but I'm a human with feelings, damnit!🧍

He doesn't have a tumblr account - hell he doesn't even know what it is.🤌

Like fr I'm this close🤏 to spilling ALL the tea.

...if I ever have the energy and commit to writing it, I swear-

#random #random post #random thoughts #rant post #tea spilling #Threats of tea spilling #vent post #personal vent #vent #ugh #managers #career #career stuff #vent letter

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estro-gem · 2 months ago

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Underappreciated moots

You guys are all gonna suffer with me, because DAMN I was just BLESSED by the beautiful art of a dear mutual of mine, whom I won't call out, because I don't want to put them out there like that - I RAMBLING.

Point is, they drew my OC🤌

Guys, IT'S GOOD. I'm touched and stimming and squealing my little heart out here.

I WANT TO GIVE THEM SOME FORM OF CREDIT, DAMN IT

And I don't want to show them without permission, but guys, I'm crying and gushing, SEND HELP.

Sending all the love and appreciation to this mutual ❤️❤️❤️

Thank you so much, love!!!

#rambles #ramblings #i'm so excited #random #i love my mutuals #moots #i love my moots #jester oc #jester sona #estro gem #fan art #oc fanart #digital art #it's so good

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estro-gem · 2 months ago

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I actually generally like me.

Any of you guys spend quality time with yourself and think, "Damn, I have to live with this b*tch every day."

Meh, could've been worse :3. Yay for self-acceptance!

Is there anyone out here who actually likes themselves, flaws and all?

#random post #random thoughts #jester sona #jester oc #estro lore #estro gem #me lore #Me lore??#I guess I'm a narcissist??#I'm my own little gremlin :3 #self love #i like me #most of the time

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estro-gem · 2 months ago

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Group Chaos: Mirage (Part 5)

Author's note: If your characters are toxic, clap your hands (smack, smack) If your characters are toxic, clap your hands (smack, smack) If your characters are toxic, choosing Munchausen by proxy; If your characters are toxic, clap your hands (smack, smack)

Welcome to the final chapter of Arc 1 in the TADC Oasis AU. Thank you, everyone, for your support throughout the years and for enjoying the absolutely messed up story I desperately try to convey in coherent English.

Julle verstaan nie... dis by tye 'n nagmerrie on hierdie ding op skrif te kry en ietwat verstaanbaar te maak; of ten minste die gebeurtenisse te laat vloei. Ai wel... Dit staan nou maar so.

Anyway, there will be a nice little note for you to read at the end if you want, but for now, please enjoy!

Warnings (IMPORTANT): Mature themes Violence/Assault Sadism Manic/psychotic episodes Sensory depravation Suicidal thoughts/intentions Self harm Abusive/toxic relationships

SUMMARY:

Pomni seem to feel like she found her safespace; A fortress with no means of escape. She should be happy now.

Right...?

MIRAGE: PART 5

There was no time to think, until there suddenly was.

It felt like Pomni was frozen in time and all of what her life had become was idly drifting by her and moving on, far beyond her grasp.

There was chaos, fear, anger, determination and a general lack of self preservation what felt like only moments ago, but now, there was absolutely nothing.

What made it worse?

That feeling… the feeling of the hollow emptiness – the feeling of being stagnant while your life, your sense of self and your reality was moving along without you? Pomni wasn’t even sure if it really was her own.

Being possessed by Gangle was overwhelming in the most underwhelming sense possible. One moment, the little jester was fired up to put a stop to a chaos of its own making; wrangling a wild chess-piece mustang that was about to charge at a psycho-manic Jackrabbit she didn’t even know how to feel about yet.

Then she got pulled down along with it, crashing beneath the checker tiles into a grieving chess King’s domain, where her mind was clouded and overtaken with rage and hurt… but mostly an overwhelming sense of panic. It didn’t seem like any of what she was feeling, were hers, but she couldn’t focus on that. Kinger’s thoughts bled into her own as she rode the knight to tail Jax, desperate and panicked about what would follow if they allowed their dolly to be mauled by him, while masked by Gangle.

How would they respawn? Would they even respawn at all?

The panic imploded to a quiet calm when she managed to catch a glimpse of the rabbit’s sharpened claws, carefully prying the frail, fine, grinning mask from Gangle’s layered complexion.

‘There was no reason to be the monster anymore.’

Pomni was sure that it was Kinger who thought that, not her.

The jester remembered hitting the tiles as the remnants of the wild mustang blew over them in the form of cyan dust that clouded up the surrounding area; and she finally felt free from Kinger’s explosive, jagged mind. The transition of suddenly being one with a stranger, followed by the surprisingly hollowed, empty feeling of them ripping themselves away from the jester was alien, but strangely unwanted.

For a brief moment, she didn’t feel alone anymore.

But he let go.

She was alone with her own thoughts once again – and the steed she rode to help the people she barely knew, crumbled away too suddenly.

She was falling.

With the sharp pain of tumbling over Jax, who at that point, had been shielding Ragatha from the blow of Kinger’s knight, she coughed out groans at the burns of skidding across the cold tiles.

The moment of solidarity came and went in a blink.

No, not a blink… a howl.

That was the last thing Pomni remembered taking in by her own tuition – Gangle’s manic, pain-struck howl – the cry of a beast that had nothing left to lose.

A sheet of darkness eclipsed the bright, colourful surroundings and the girl almost felt relief.

But nothing followed, only numbness.

Physically, the jester’s last coherent moment was the unmistakable sensation of abnormally strong ribbons scurrying and slithering all over her body while porcelain melted itself to the skin of her face. A moment of panic flashed in her mind when she felt her mouth seal shut, unable to allow air for her to breathe, but the world faded away.

Her thoughts faded away and she didn’t bother fighting. She caved and allowed herself to become compliant.

Pomni was just… so tired.

The jester wasn’t sure if Gangle liked that or not, but she couldn’t care less at that point.

All was numb, all was dark, but the presence of Gangle was undeniable. Pomni was blind and her head felt empty, but the masked ribbon was there.

Just… there.

Once again, the jester was trapped within the amalgamation of her own mind that was melded and mixed with someone else’s. It was like whiplash, Kinger’s loud, panic-ridden, explosive thoughts, to Gangle’s hushed, muddled state of sheer numbness.

Worst of all, she wasn’t sure if it was only Gangle’s numbness, because she felt it too.

The jester’s epiphany should have terrified her, but she couldn’t feel anything… and she didn’t have the strength to search for any trace of her own self. She and Gangle was for all intents and purposes; one.

One pathetic amalgamation of hopelessness, dread and misery.

At least, not a lonely state to be in.

In the current moment, the jester and the masked ribbon were idly dormant in the depths of Pomni’s mindspace. Pomni was blind and wrapped in Gangle’s coils. The tight, restrictive grasp of the ribbons, holding her suspended in the cool inky blackness, seemed to cling to her out of desperation, rather than dominance. When the pang of ironic sympathy struck Pomni upon the realization, Gangle shivered around her, tightening her hold by a fraction, making the little jester believe that their emotions were intertwined too.

Everything that each of them felt would find its way to the other.

Within the silent darkness, thoughts surprisingly did not come easy – only in small stringy strands; as spontaneous and random trails that withered with moments of passing.

Where were they now? Did it matter?

Were they alone? Did they not prefer that?

How long had it been? Will it ever end?

Would the others come looking for them? Did they really need to?

When the jester paused, she finally realized that every question was met with another, similar to her own and yet not hers at all. An icy shudder crawled down the jester’s spine as she discovered that Gangle’s thoughts were mixed with her own.

There was a moment of existentialism in which Pomni tried to decipher just how much was shared and how much was private.

What was hers and what was Gangle’s?

To no one’s surprise, she was met with no answer – just the sinking feeling deep in her gut that resembled annoyance, which, no doubt, belonged to the masked ribbon, causing Pomni to huff as well. It took a second for more annoyance to sprout, but Pomni could not tell if it was her that was annoyed by her lack of privacy and Gangle’s disregard for it; or Gangle’s own rising annoyance at Pomni’s inexperience with the odd situation.

Oh, sure, no worries! It was no trouble at all to get used to having your consciousness fused with a completely different person! Yeah, no, totally an average Tuesday!

It was a faint sense of smugness that simmered beneath the surface of the aloof presence all around her that had the little jester fuming quietly. As the silence stretched, she found herself feeling… relieved to have something to be mad about.

Something to feel with purpose.

Like her first raw encounters with Zooble.

In a mere second, it was like the air had frozen solid and Pomni had a moment to remember that her thoughts weren’t all her own anymore. She cursed herself for feeling the mess of guilt and frustration about reminiscing Gangle’s partner so fondly when the ribbon had a front row seat to all she thought and felt.

Wasn’t this a violation of some kind? No, screw the homicidal ribbon; she was allowed to miss her friend.

Her friend…?

Hush!

Despite the jester’s abrupt cut-off, she couldn’t help but let out a breath as her chest warmed and her heart melted as the image of Zooble entered her mind’s eye, followed by the yearning longing and crushing guilt of running away when the Zolo-being called after her.

No, nevermind, that was all Gangle’s mind.

You hush now!

It was Pomni’s turn to be smug at Gangle’s fluster, which quickly got replaced by a sinking, longing sorrow as the heartbreaking scene of Zooble’s outstretched hands and glossy eyes flooded their minds; all while Kinger held them back from chasing after the ribbon that scurried away as she wielded the body of the newly possessed jester.

Pomni felt herself deflate at that, swallowing a lump back in her throat, unable to stop herself from feeling pity for the poor ribbonoid.

Damn it, Zooble would have a field day making fun of her for being such a softie.

They wouldn’t let her live it down for a while, for sure…

The air was lifted a little and the stray thought of Gangle made it hard for Pomni to suppress a chuckle.

Zooble would probably chew them out straight after for running off.

Probably, but it would be short lived.

Probably.

Silence…

It felt easier… there was a lingering warm tingle with every flash of brightly coloured shapes and funny limbs that managed to sneak its way into either of their minds. Pomni had to physically fight back a slither of awe at how adorable the ribbinoid’s involuntary reactions to thoughts of her partner were – and while the jester was met with a strike of flustered annoyance, there was no lingering resentment from Gangle.

It was going better…

There was still a while’s way to go.

But it was something, right?

Why even bother…?

Pomni couldn’t answer that; not even to herself.

Why did she even try? Up until now, since the first time she even interacted with Gangle, she had been shut down. Granted, her infatuation with the masked ribbon probably made her come on too strong, but she had not done or said anything since then to push any further. Gangle was the one to push her away before she could even approach to make amends. She never stood a chance to have any form of a relationship with the ribbon.

Why did she still try, despite everything?

Because… Right now, you are all I have to hold onto.

It hurt to admit, but it was the truth.

She didn’t know where she was. She didn’t know how long it had been. There was no way out and no one else with her.

All she had, was the ribbons wrapped all around her and kept taut to restrain her – to blind her.

To keep her from falling into the unknown depths that she really didn’t want to fall prey to.

Pomni’s breath hitched as she felt the ribbons wrapped around her, dampen with tears she didn’t know she had. The long shiny tendrils rattled as she sobbed; and seemed to tighten around her by a fraction.

There was a swell in the saddened realization that Pomni felt, but she was sure it was no longer all her own emotions.

What came next, was what made the dam break.

You… need me...?

Yes. Yes, I need you.

It was quiet, but the air around the jester and the masked ribbon shifted to that of a heartbreaking epiphany, one with sorrow, longing, anger, loss and resolution.

Gangle clung to the jester, letting her ribbons slide and caress the suspended body, like she was taking in the jester for the first time.

Maybe she could convince herself that she didn’t need anyone, just like Kaufmo practically beat into her head… but that didn’t mean that no one needed her.

Somehow, it hurt to think of that for the first time.

It felt like relief, but it hurt just as much – a feeling she couldn’t wrap her head around.

But it didn’t feel… bad.

It took a while, but the air around the girls settled; and quiet sobs faded into an occasional hitched and shared breath as a cool porcelain forehead rested against the pale, soft skin of the jester’s, with the occasional shift causing Pomni’s ebony locks to tickle the ivory mask.

The ribbons blinding Pomni’s view, gradually gave way and allowed for her to gaze into the inky black pits that were Gangle’s eyes.

Moments felt like ages as time passed and the two calmed down – neither willing to let the other go. Events blurred together, but they ended up sitting back-to-back, leaning against each other, unwilling to break apart, but each needing time to themselves – well, as much as they could, considering that their consciousness were intertwined so intimately.

They kept one of each; hand and ribbon, securely wrapped together, unwilling to let go.

The silence stretched and it made the girls each run a digit over the other, to which the other would respond with a squeeze. Back and forth, this happened every once in a while, just to be sure that the other was still there. It was unspoken, but they understood. Pomni found herself not minding the touch of the sentient ribbons and porcelain mask, whereas any other’s touch would usually make her skin crawl. Of course, no longer alone with her own thoughts, a soft thrum of acknowledgement to that fact, did not go unnoticed from the little jester.

The quiet became normal, paired with the occasional caress or touch, but it made it much easier for thoughts to wander.

Pomni sighed, not wanting to ruin the atmosphere, but deciding to break to silence, speaking up this time, using her words rather than shared thoughts.

“Are you ok?”

What a silly question. Gangle just spiraled out of sanity, maiming and torturing a friend, holding her hostage as her other friends fought tooth and nail to free her – all while the masked ribbon laughed and preened at how easily she managed to stir everything into a chaotic mess.

By the flick of a mere feature, and a storm was unleashed, all because of the ragdoll.

Because she was important. She was powerful. Gangle held the heart of the Oasis winding within her coils. Without her, they would be nothing. They needed Ragatha; that’s what he always used to say.

They couldn’t make it without her.

And now, finally, Gangle had someone who wouldn’t make it without her.

“Are you, ok?” Gangle’s soft, raw voice rung back, sounding much smaller and meeker than Pomni expected.

“I don’t know.” The jester answered truthfully, seeing no possible way of lying in this state, “I don’t think I ever was.”

“I don’t know anymore… I just know I used to feel better, I think.”

“Before I came, you mean?” Pomni asked, too tired to sound bitter.

“Before Kaufmo left.” The masked ribbon deliberately clarified, a hint of annoyance sparking up the air around her.

“Oh.” Pomni simply said, thinking that was the end of it, since Gangle seemed reluctant to share anyways.

To the jester’s surprise, however, it appeared that Pomni’s willingness to let the subject die, was all the ribbon needed to perceive it as an open mic.

“You’re pretty entitled to think that you have such a big influence on anything we do.” Gangle said numbly, as if she was talking about the weather, “You’re not one of us, you know? We were fine without you and I doubt that it would change very soon. So, don’t go breaking yourself into bits about ruining anything for us. You don’t matter enough to destroy anything we build up to be.”

Pomni furrowed her eyebrows after a moment of contemplation, taking in Gangle’s cold words, “…Is that supposed to insult me or comfort me?”

“However the shoe fits.” You’re amusing.

“Unbelievable…” I’m worthless.

“Listen to me.” Gangle said, brushing and sliding her ribbons along the little jester’s body, as if she was trying to soothe the girl, but only making her shiver with a small slither of unease hanging in the air, “I’m not calling you worthless. I’m saying that we didn’t find use in your worth yet. You’re not one of us yet, because we don’t know how you’re worth will play into ours. It’s not personal, but you could make us or break us.”

The jester paused, mulling it over. Gangle could feel the very space around them twist and contort with how loud Pomni was trying to think, offering awkwardly, “Do you want me to explain it again, or-?”

“I got it, I got it, geez.” Pomni’s annoyance was palpable, but her thumb brushed over the scarlet ribbons so gently, Gangle couldn’t help but squeeze back as the clown-girl explained herself, “I just don’t know how to feel about it, I think?”

“Oh, that’s what that was.” Gangle seemed to shrug dismissively, but it felt weird since Pomni was once again partially wrapped in the ribbon’s coils. She hated how comforting it was, all while essentially being told that she wasn’t useful to have around.

It must count as some kind of abuse, right?

Maybe, but things felt easier to face with someone holding onto her so desperately. That fact alone made Pomni see through Gangle’s deception she still managed, despite the girls sharing a mind.

“You are a two-faced liar.” The jester mumbled, squeezing the ribbon wrapped around her hand.

“Thanks, I haven’t noticed.” chimed Gangle dryly, looking over her shoulder to Pomni, making the brightly dressed girl bark a laugh.

“Ok, that one was unintentional, I swear.”

“Sure it was.”

“Oh, come on!” Pomni sighed, still smiling, leaning into Gangle’s cradling embrace, “It doesn’t matter how we look at it. I said it before and I’ll say it again; I need you. You’re all I have… and based on how we’re clinging to each other like scared kids, I believe it’s safe to say that you at least need someone else to hear you out at this moment, right?”

“You don’t get it.” Gangle says, mask now fully turned to Pomni, “I shouldn’t. I just shouldn’t. My role in this system… I should be able to stand on my own. Yes, Jax keeps me grounded, but that is as far as it goes.”

Pomni doesn’t understand what the sentient ribbon meant, speaking of her and Jax and “the system” along with the apparent role she played in it, but it was something. She’d listen like her life depended on it.

It may as well have.

“I’m supposed to oversee… everything and everyone…” Gangle continued as her reeling mind was whirring all around them, flashes of memories of everyone, including others that Pomni had only seen on the abandoned room’s doors, “I study them, I read them, and I connect with them. I sync up to them and I record it. All of it. Notes, pictures, codes – anything. A separate venture that’s still so intertwined that the group can’t go without it. I see… everything. ‘You’re not supposed to depend on anyone to just use your eyes’ he used to say. When push comes to shove, I’m supposed to hold my own.”

Pomni let the moment breathe, before quietly prying, “Who told you all that?”

Nothing was said, but Pomni saw it.

A flash – a memory – of the white complexion with clown features, wearing mostly bright yellow.

The face of Kaufmo.

“He is our leader.” Gangle quickly barked as if defending herself, “Every group needs a leader, and he was the reason we made it this far. This is the group that had survived the longest. He’s a good leader.”

“Gangle…” Pomni gently said, voice quiet and concerned, “You keep saying he IS.”

Gangle grew quiet, grumbling something about forced habits, “You know what I meant.”

“No. I don’t… And I don’t think you do either.”

“Of course I do!” Gangle hissed, despite her ribbon’s gentle caress over Pomni’s knuckles, letting the jester return the sentiment with an affectionate squeeze. “He’s… He’s gone.”

Oh god, he’s gone… he’s really gone…

He is. I’m so sorry.

“It feels so unreal” the ribbon finally admitted quietly, “He always spoke like he and I would be the last ones standing.”

“Did it disappoint you when he gave up?” Pomni’s question was soft and careful.

“I don’t know…” a heavy sigh escaped Gangle, “If it was either of us to go next, I always figured that I would be the first to lose it. I NEVER thought it would be him… A part of me is jealous of how easily he turned his back on us. All the preaching of ‘sticking through it together’ and ‘being there for one another, regardless of what we feel inside…’ Well, he made it feel like it meant nothing to him to begin with. He left us in this sinking ship with no regard for anyone but himself.

“What I’m getting at… is I feel guilty. And I feel jealous. I wish I could just let loose and let go like he did. He just GAVE UP. And I’m left to clean up the mess! I’m angry… he left me!”

Pomni remained silent, letting Gangle speak, letting her gloved thumb caress the ribbon wrapped around her hand in silent support.

I’m listening. I’m right here. I won’t leave.

“Do you know what makes it ALL even better?” the ribbonoid’s voice mumbled a sarcastic whisper, “Sometimes… Sometimes I’m glad he’s gone.”

A beat of silence follows and Pomni felt the weight of Gangle’s words finally sink in as the masked ribbon admitted numbly, “Maybe that just proves that I deserved it.”

Abstraction.

“No.” Came Pomni’s voice, quiet, but certain. “No one deserved this. No one deserved ANY of this.”

“You make it sound so simple… what if we were punished to be here for something we did in the real world?”

“That doesn’t matter now.” Pomni said decisively, “We are all in the same boat. We are all one bad day away from losing our minds. Whether we want to admit it or not, we all need each other.”

Gangle’s silence stretched for a minute.

“I want to need you, Pomni…” the ribbon let her limbs and body wrap around the jester in a twisted, organized mess, “I want you to need me.”

“I already told you; I need you.” The clown-girl whispered, barely recognizing her own voice as the euphoria of another’s desire for her to just be there, sweetly sunk its talons into Pomni’s mind.

These feelings are dangerous. Is it more of a risk than to be alone?

Neither of them knew. All they knew was that they became increasingly desperate to cling to each other. The hold of the ribbons was gentle, but desperate; and Pomni couldn’t bring herself to mind. Her fingers trailed along the scarlet tendrils, enchanted by the strange beauty of them.

Why couldn’t she let this infatuation rest? Why was Gangle the common factor that always seemed to hold her mind hostage?

“Nothing else matters right now.” Gangle said with a strange, misplaced reverence, “You are mine… and I won’t let anything take you from me. Please, let me have you; and I promise I will never let you go again.”

Oh god, this should be wrong. This should be very, very wrong.

But Pomni’s desire to have Gangle’s unyielding devotion was intoxicating. It was all she yearned for since she had gotten trapped in The Amazing Digital Circus.

She should say no. She should stand on her own two feet.

But god… the loneliness dragged her down. She was tired of fighting alone. Heaven knows how long it had been with no one else coming for either of them.

If she said yes, they would at least have each other, right?

A promise – a deal; One or none. One or none.

And so, it was decided with all their previous morals disregarded and the desperation for companionship as their sole motivator in their tangled mess of limbs and ribbons.

Not even death would do them part.

Part 4: (Previous) Oasis: TADC AU list Masterlist

End note:

Finally... this arc is finish. I mean, it only took me LITERAL YEARS to complete. But the first arc of this story is done. Despite many things I look back on and cringe at - be it the grammatical errors I missed or the plot holes and inconsistencies that haunt my dreams; I did it. And I'm so proud that I stuck to it.

This story is not over. As usual, I can't promise a regular updating schedule and I can't promise it will all be good. But what I can promise is that I want to finish this story and the Arcs to come.

May you have a lovely day and live life to the fullest.

Tot wedersiens, my edelstene.

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