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David: I promise I’ll never be embarrassed to be around you again.

Shortstack, barely a year later:

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Thief: I never understood why people cared so much about their dumb friends until I got a dumb friend myself. Thief: Picks up listener Thief: I’ve only befriended this ex-royal guard for a day and a half, but if anything happened to them I would kill everyone in this room and then my self.

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David: Two years ago, I married my best friend. David: Shortstack is still mad about it, but me and Billy were drunk and thought it was funny.

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Ultima: If you want my advice- Flashpoint: No offense but you’re the last person I want relationship advice from. You tried to kill your significant other. Multiple times. Ultima: First off, that was before we started dating. Secondly, they’ve also tried to kill me. Mechanus: It’s true. It was mutually attempted murder.

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William: You need a hobby. David : I have a hobby! William: Fawning over Shortstack isn’t a hobby.

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Mechanus, sweating: Ultima, there’s something I need to ask you- Ultima: Finally! You’re proposing! Mechanus: How’d you know? Ultima: Mechanus, you’ve dropped the ring five times during dinner. Ultima: I even picked it up once.

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Tsundere Boss: Hey, can I speak to you for a minute? In private. Listener: Ooh, someone's in trouble. It's me. I don't know why I did that.

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Adventurer: What’s your biggest fear? Healer: I am incredibly arachnophobic. Adventurer, under their breath: You don’t want spiders to get married?

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Marcille: so what’s for d-

Laios, already grabbing the nearest monster:

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Me every couple of months when I remember I have a blog where people read my dumbass posts (I love you all)

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Kid Ace, laying in bed: Get out of my room. Kid Luffy, standing just outside of the door frame: I’m not in your room.

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Itadori: Made you all playlists! Itadori: megumi, yours has only heavy metal, and is dark like your soul. Itadori: nanami, yours has sad songs and blues to pair with your crippling depression. Itadori: And gojo has the ABBA Gold album.

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itadori: A pessimist sees a dark tunnel. gojo: An optimist sees light at the end of the tunnel. nobara: A realist sees a freight train. megumi: The train driver sees three idiots standing on the tracks.

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Newt: How the hell did you crash the car?! Crowley: So I was just driving today, right? And my navigation told me to go straight. Crowley: I was like "woah, that's homophobic". Instead, I went gay. And, THAT'S when I got into an accident. Newt: ... Aziraphale, with a proud smile: And THAT'S who I'm in love with, ladies and gentlemen.

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Arthur: You disgust me. Gawain: *eating a kitkat sideways* I realize this and don’t care.

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Sasuke: *spits mouthful of blood onto floor* You’ve become far more powerful since we last crossed paths. Dentist: Please stop, there’s literally a sink right next to you.

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crowley: I don’t even use tubberware anymore. aziraphale: What are you saying? Say it again. crowley: Tubberware. aziraphale: Say it again. Slow. crowley: Tubberware. aziraphale: Slow, very slow - actually, say the first syllable. crowley: Tub. aziraphale: Wrong. crowley: What do you mean, wrong? aziraphale: I thought I caught that. You’re saying tub. It’s P. crowley: What are you talking about? aziraphale: Tupperware. Tupper. crowley: It’s tupper! aziraphale: It’s tupper, always has been, always will be. crowley: I thought it was tubberware because it kind of looks like a tub.