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guinea-pig16 · 1 year ago

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Something Better || Chapter 7: Nightmares

Ghost x Reader x Soap

Fic is below the cut !! Please read the previous chapter here if you haven't already !!

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Word Count: 4,400+

Warnings: Suicidal thoughts, self-loathing thoughts, graphic depictions of injuries, mentions of dead bodies (not real dw), guns, gunshots

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Bullets ricocheted off the walls as you and your teammates sprinted through the hallways. The fluorescent lights buzzed overhead as you ran, mocking your panicked state. This was not supposed to happen. This was supposed to be an easy in and out mission, not a full blown battle zone. You fear your calls for backup went unheard. Your heart jumped as you spotted an exit. You motioned to your teammates the exit location.

“I’ll cover you guys, move out!” You yelled. They nodded and ran by you. As they passed, you counted each member. Your chest sank as your last teammate passed you. Someone was missing. You grabbed the last soldier’s arm and held them back.

“Where the hell is Parker!?” You yelled.

“He’s not already left?” They asked, worry lacing their voice. You shook your head and wracked your brain for where Parker could be. You let go of the soldier’s arm and motioned for them to head through the exit.

“I’m going back for him, go join the others and await backup.” You said and started moving back further into the building.

“Wait, you’re not going back alone are you!? That’s a death wish!” Said the soldier, grabbing your shoulder. You shrugged them off and gave them a determined look.

“I will not leave anyone behind, now move soldier!” You yelled. They hesitated for a moment, and then ran after the other team members. You raised your gun and slowly began making your way through the building. You followed the sound of distant gunfire.

You pressed yourself against the wall and shifted closer to the edge of the doorway. A stray bullet whizzed through the open door. You could hear men yelling inside. With a deep breath, you burst through the doorway and shot at the assailants inside. Within seconds, they were down, having been caught by surprise.

You glare at the figure that starts to slowly rise from behind a table. Storming over, you hit Lieutenant Parker upside the head.

“What the fuck were you thinking!? How the hell did you fall so far behind from the rest of the team!?” You yell, dragging him out from behind the table by his collar. He ducks his head staring at the floor.

“...I saw Veseli heading down this way after watching us scramble from the meeting room. I… I thought I could finish him off… That maybe this mission wouldn’t have been for nothing…” He says, gripping his gun tightly. You look at him, guilt welling up in your chest. You led them on this faulty mission. You should’ve checked it out for yourself before jumping in…

You huff and rest a hand on his shoulder. “...Don’t worry about it. But you’re goddamn lucky someone like you is hard to replace, or else you would’ve been left to be dog food…” Parker chuckles at that. You give him a grin. “Now come on, we’re not outta this hell hole yet. The rest of the team’s waiting outside. I’ll cover you.” He nods and the two of you inch towards the door. Parker peeks out into the hall before slipping out, giving you the motion to continue.

You slip out as well, remaining as quiet as possible. You both creep down the halls, bodies of your assailants littering the floors. As you near the exit, you hear footsteps and shouts in the distance. Dammit… They just keep coming… You think to yourself.

“Parker, make a run for the exit, I’ll cover you.” He looks at you in shock.

“L/N, you can’t be serious-” You cut him off, focusing entirely on the opposite end of the hall.

“I refuse to fill out a K.I.A. form tonight, Lieutenant. Now get your ass out of here.” You feel him hesitate. “Dammit, Parker, NOW!” You hear him start running down the hall. As he ran, gunmen round the corner, barely getting the chance to raise their weapons before you mowed them down.

Grunt after grunt came, but none were able to do anything against your onslaught. But they were starting to wear you down, your cartridge in your gun running low. You dropped your gun when it drew blanks and pulled out your pistol. You started back down the hall, inching towards the exit, trying to kill as many as you could. You couldn’t, wouldn’t, let them get to the rest of your team.

“L/N! Get out of there, there’s too many!” You heard Parker yell from behind you. You whipped around, seeing him standing in the exit doorway. Fury boiled up inside of you. I told that little shit to get out of- The thought was cut off as bullets riddled your back. A gasp left you as you felt three of them enter right underneath your vest. Blinding pain erupted from your lower spine as you collapsed.

You couldn’t feel your legs as your body met the ground. Loud ringing filled your ears as you numbly tried to sit up. Fiery, white hot pain ripped through your spine as you shifted slightly. You tried to move your legs to no avail. It felt like they were gone, like they didn’t exist. You heard more gunfire, and felt a pair of arms start dragging you down the hall. Each movement was agony, it felt as though someone had ripped off your lower spine.

Someone was speaking to you as everything around you faded to black. You closed your eyes. Opening them, you saw you were standing in a void. You looked down, and saw yourself, being dragged down the hall by Parker. Blood gushed from your lower back and torso as you laid there limply. You blinked, but you were no longer staring at yourself and Parker…

It was Soap, it was his lower back riddled with bullets, and it was Ghost dragging him down the hall. You tried to rush to help, but you were glued to the inky blackness, frozen, forced to watch as he bled out, as Ghost tried to save him.

“This is just a dream, it’s just a dream, this didn’t happen, it’s okay, they’re okay!” You told yourself. Your voice echoed throughout the void. The figures of Soap and Ghost stopped, as if they were frozen in time.

“But it could have happened… Because you hesitated…” Rang a voice from the darkness, your voice. “You almost got them killed… What happened to you could have happened to them… Because of your carelessness…” You looked at the figures again, only this time…

The entirety of 141 were sprawled on the ground, riddled with bullets, bloodied, dead. Gaz, Laswell, Price, Soap, Ghost. All of them. Dead.

“It’s your fault… You caused this…” You shook your head, tears welling up in your eyes. The voice echoed those words, louder, louder, louder. You tried to cover your ears, close your eyes, but you could still hear it, still see their mangled bodies. You dropped to the ground, unable to bear it any longer. A scream ripped from you and then-

You jolted upwards, a gasp tearing from your throat. Your breaths were labored as you quickly took in your surroundings, sweat clinging to your skin. You were in your room, laying in bed. You exhaled and pressed the heels of your palms to your eyes, attempting to calm yourself. It was a nightmare, it wasn’t real… You repeated to yourself. … But it could have been… You sucked in a breath. Guilt ridden thoughts started welling up inside, the darkness of your room feeling heavy on your shoulders. You curled in on yourself, trying to breathe.

It was suffocating, the darkness, the words that clanged in your head. You had to leave. You snatched your cane as you jolted from your bed and lunged for the door, wrenching it open. As quickly as you could, you made your way through the silent, empty halls, the clacking of your cane seeming to echo throughout the base. You needed air.

You thrust open the door that led outside and took in a deep breath. The crisp, cool night air filled your lungs as you breathed, and breathed, and breathed. You plopped down on a bench next to the door and stared at the moon. From what you could tell from its position, it was probably around 3 or 4 in the morning. You sighed and leaned your head against the concrete exterior of the base. What a shitty week… You thought.

It had been almost a week since the last mission, you had been avoiding everyone, unable to face them. Everyday, you would send a request to Laswell for a transfer, and everyday it would be denied. You couldn’t understand why she refused it, had she not seen how royally you fucked up? You froze at the worst possible time. You could have gotten the team killed if it weren’t for Laswell’s quick thinking. You huffed a bitter laugh. If only the team could see me now… How pathetic I’ve gotten… Your chest burned with memories of them… How they looked at you with admiration. It wasn’t 141 you were thinking of, it was your team… Task Force 441…

You frowned as you remembered your last meeting with them, while you were still bedridden in the hospital. You hadn’t said a single word to them the entire time. You didn’t even say goodbye to them when they left. How long ago was that…? A year…? A year gone by, and you’re right back at square one… How pathetic of you…

You heard a shuffle from the doorway. Turning your head lamely, you suddenly froze when you saw Soap standing there. He seemed to have the same reaction as you, him staring at you like a deer in headlights. His mohawk was ruffled, and he was dressed in a tank top, sweatpants, and a pair of slippers. You both stared at each other for an uncomfortable amount of time, neither of you knowing what to say.

“Um… How’s it goin’...?” Says Soap, slowly. He cringes internally at his words. He’s pretty sure he knows damn well how it’s going. Not good!

“Um… Fine I guess…?” You say, looking down at the gravel beneath the bench. A beat of awkward silence bounces between the two of you.

Soap hadn’t meant to find you. He had woken up only a few minutes prior with the need for a drink and had been on his way to the break room when he saw the outside door open, a night breeze sweeping down the hall. It was just simple curiosity that led him here.

He hadn’t seen you since your outburst on the blacktop. That was about a week ago. He tried to talk to you only once after it happened, but was met with icy silence. He figured you just needed time alone. He considers going back inside and leaving you be. But… Just looking at you, he can tell something is eating you alive. There’s dark circles under your eyes, and your face is soulless and blank. You probably want to be left alone… But something in him keeps him from turning around. He’s seen Simon the same way. He can’t let you do this alone…

Against his better judgment he fully steps outside. “...D’ye mind if I sit whit ye for a moment?” He says gently. If you said no, he’d go back inside, no questions asked.

You take in a breath, preparing to tell him to leave you alone, but… You stop yourself. Do you really want to be alone right now…? Besides, does he really deserve to keep being pushed away like this? You sigh and wave your hand.

“Be my guest. I can’t tell you where to sit.” You say. Your focus remains on the ground as you feel him sit next to you. Silence washes over the two of you, but it’s not as awkward as before. You close your eyes and rest your head on your hands. Thankfully, it seems as though your thoughts aren’t as loud as earlier. Probably because you’re embarrassed someone’s found you in this state, especially Soap, who was the last person you wanted to find you like this.

Soap observes you as you sit there with your eyes closed. You look so small right now… So vulnerable. He can’t see any of your usual confident attitude, that sense of unwavering strength and determination. You look like a shell, a void that will swallow light whole.

“...How come yer out here?” He asks. He didn’t know if he’d get an answer or not. It wouldn’t bother him if you didn’t. He’s used to his questions going unanswered, having had that happen to him many times with Simon.

You sit there for a moment, considering. You let out a sigh. “Oh… You know… Nightmares and stuff like that… Nothing I can’t handle. Just needed to… To get away from it for a moment…” You say, exhaustion heavy in your voice. You were tired. Not just physically, but mentally. You were tired of being ripped from sleep by memories you wanted to forget. You were tired of being in your own head.

Soap hums in acknowledgment. You’re not the only one who’s been dragged from sleep because of nightmares. Both he and Simon have had to console one another after particularly bad ones.

“...D’ye want t’ talk aboot it?” He asks softly. Once again, he wasn’t expecting a yes or even an answer from you. It was more so a gentle offer, a reminder that you can talk to him and he would listen for as long as you needed.

You sat there, head still resting on your hands, pondering. It’s not that you didn’t trust Soap, hell, you trust the man with your life. You just… You didn’t know if you could bear telling him. Would he look at you differently? Would he treat you with pity, or disgust when he found out about your failure? You turned slightly to look at him for the first time since he came out here. He was sitting next to you patiently, his eyes void of judgment or pity. Maybe… Just maybe…

You let out a long sigh and sat up. You leaned against the wall of the base and crossed your arms, staring up at the moon. A minute or two of silence passed by. Soap turned his gaze from you and looked at the moon as well. Perhaps you weren’t ready to talk.

“I used to be the captain of Task Force 441.” You say, eyes never leaving the sky. Soap’s eyes widen as he whirls his head to stare at you, shocked. He knew you were a part of the team, but the captain!?

You can see his shocked expression out of the corner of your eye and grin a little. “I know, I don’t look the part, do I? Especially not now.” You let out a sigh and close your eyes. “I was handpicked by some of the higher ups, along with the other 6 members.” A smile graced your lips. “We were together for years, kicking ass, scaring off baddies, we felt unstoppable.” Your smile dropped from your face. Soap didn’t dare say a word, afraid you’d stop talking.

“...Do you know what our last mission was?” You asked quietly. Soap thought for a moment. He’d heard vague rumors. Some said it was something so violent it made them all quit. Others said it was a ruse so the team could retire. None of them felt like the truth though.

“Only heard rumors, didnae think any of them were true…” He said. You let out a bitter chuckle.

“Superiors must’ve kept the reason under wraps then…” You say. You look at the moon once more. “Several of our missions prior had been to take down operations from this criminal organization in southern Europe. Illegal weapon trades and all that. The leader, Bedarin Veseli, didn’t like that for obvious reasons.” You shut your eyes. “He managed to find out who we were, who we worked with. He… He went straight for our intelligence officer… My friend…” You clenched your fists. “He offered her a massive amount of money to lead us on a false mission so he could eradicate us… Apparently the offer was too good to refuse in her eyes…” You sighed.

“So, she cooked up a mission for us. She said she’d gotten word that Veseli had a group of hostages locked up in an abandoned base… The same base where Graves was hiding in earlier this week.” Soap’s eyes widened at that. So that’s why they were acting so strange… “We, of course, accepted it. I… I didn’t think to check out the facts myself…” Your eyes glazed over, lost in the memories of that night. “We went in, expecting it to be an easy in and out. We’ve rescued hostages dozens of times before, how difficult could this one be?” You chuckled. “How foolish we were… How foolish I was… We had gotten to the meeting room where the ‘hostages’ were supposedly being held. What we found instead were dozens of armed lackeys with big fucking guns.”

“Honestly, I’m surprised none of us were injured in the initial onslaught. We barely managed to get away.” You smiled. “Veseli may have had the manpower, but he still underestimated our skill. Sure, he caught us off guard, but everyone managed to escape.” Your smile slipped. “...Well… Not fully intact, I suppose…” You rested a hand on your right leg. “...I had managed to get everyone out, except for my second in command, Lieutenant Parker. I went back for him, ordered my team to remain outside and await backup.”

“I found him and dragged his ass to the exit, but not before more of Veseli’s men found us. I managed to mow down most of them, told Parker to run for it as I covered him.” You turned your attention back to the night sky. “...I got distracted and then boom. Shot in the back. Three of the bullets managed to hit right under my vest… Next thing I know, I’m in the hospital, being relieved of duty and told I’ll never walk normally for the rest of my life. I dream of that night every time I try to sleep.” Your words ring in the night air. Soap sits there next to you. He doesn’t know what to say.

The two of you are silent for a few minutes. Soap watches your face. It’s utterly blank, devoid of any emotion as you stare silently at the moon. He feels like he should say something, offer condolences, offer anything. He opens his mouth.

“I sometimes wish I had died that night.” You say quietly. Soap freezes, cold washing through him. You continue.

“Those months after the mission, I had hoped, begged, prayed to anything out there to let me die. I thought that dying was better than to lose my purpose in life, to face my failure… My failure as a leader, as a team member… as a soldier…” You looked down at your hands, taking in the details of your palms, your calluses, proof of the work you had put in to get where you are today. “I thought that death was better than the humiliation of defeat. Better than the knowledge that my enemy had gotten the better of me, that he had turned my friend against me, that he had crippled me for life…”

“...I thought that I had overcome that. I thought I had found a new purpose… But after the last mission… After I froze up and almost got you guys killed…” You grinned, but there was no amusement behind it. “Am I any better than I was then?” You gritted your teeth, your clenched fists trembling. “I let my emotions overcome me, let them blind me as they blinded me then. I knew there was something weird about the mission… I knew that there were holes in the story… But I… I didn’t question it… I didn’t look into it myself… Blindly trusting it because she was my friend… Like a lamb to slaughter…” You let out a broken laugh and pressed your hands to your face.

“Rather pathetic, huh?” Your voice cracked as you spoke. Your eyes burned behind your hands, throat bobbing. The dam of emotions inside you was wearing thin.

Soap’s brows furrowed as he watched you attempt to ground yourself, as you tried to brush off what you had just revealed. You were broken. You had been shattered, betrayed, and had shoddily picked up the pieces. You had laid all your soul bare to him, and were still trying to keep a brave face.

He gently laid a hand on your shoulder. “...Ye really think it’s yer fault…?” He asked. Hands still pressed to your face, you nod, body trembling. He removes his hand from your shoulder and crosses his arms, letting out a huff. “...Well that’s the biggest load o’ shite I’ve ever heard in me life.” You slowly process his words, your hands lowering from your face as you turn to him.

“...Huh…?”

“I said that’s the biggest load o’ shite I’ve ever heard in me life! Ye did nothin’ wrong! Ye were jus’ followin’ orders! How cuid ye have known ‘at she had betrayed ye? Especially if she were yer friend!” He sighed. “Yer real smart… But honestly yer actin’ like a right roaster right aboot now!” You furrow your brows. Roaster…? The fuck does that mean…?

He placed a hand on your shoulder again. “It wasn’t yer fault. Ye did whit any solider wuid’ve done. The only way ‘at bastard gets the better of ye is if ye let yerself fall into a hole ye cannae get out of.” You look at Soap, stunned. He glances away and rubs the back of his neck. “... Yer an incredible intelligence officer, one o’ the most skilled I’ve ever seen. Sure, ye froze up, but shite happens. None o’ us fault ye for it… It’d be a shame ifn’ye quit on us… We all… We all really like havin’ ye on the team…” He pulls his hand away. “We’ve all been through hell. ‘Ats the life of a soldier. But, we have each other… At the end o’ the day, we’re all surrounded by people who get it, get us… So, don’t think yer alone in this…” You let his words sink in.

You reflected on the past few months. Ever since joining 141, you had started to feel like yourself again. The joking, the banter, the conversations, every moment made you feel alive again. You had felt like you were alone, that you couldn’t talk to anyone about this. But you weren’t alone. Soap had reached out to you, so had Gaz, Price, Laswell, hell, even Ghost.

A smile creeped onto your face, and you turned to Soap. “...Thanks, Soap…” He gave you a grin.

“...Ye can call me Johnny, ifn’ye want to, ‘at is…” He said, face flushing slightly. You chuckled.

“Alright, thank you, Johnny, for listening to my tragic tale.” You say sarcastically. He huffed a laugh at that. The two of you sat in a comfortable quiet for the first time that night.

“D’ye miss yer old task force?” Johnny asked. You let out a hum as you thought.

“...I do. They were like family to me. I’m not… I’m not as upset about my leg anymore… I mean, look at where I am now, I’d never have gotten here without it happening I suppose.” You turned and grinned at Johnny, nudging his shoulder. “Besides, if it hadn't happened, I wouldn’t have met you guys!” He smiled and waved you off.

“Ahh, yer jus’ sayin’ that…”

You scoff. “Am not! I’m really happy to have met you guys! Besides, if we hadn’t met, who would listen to my rants about true crime tv shows?” Johnny places his face in his hands.

“Cannae believe ye out-rank me…” He mumbled. You barked out a laugh and patted his shoulder.

“I out-rank you either way, buster. No matter where you go, I’m still your superior.” He groaned as you chuckled.

You let out a sigh and stand up, grabbing your cane and stretching your stiff legs. You yawn. “Well, it’s late and I’ve barely slept. I’m gonna try to catch a few more winks before sunrise.”

Johnny looks up at you as you stretch. “So… Are things gonna go back t’ normal, then? Yer gonna go back t’ work whit Laswell?” You stop your stretches and look down at him.

“...Yeah… I guess so…” You rub the back of your neck and look sheepishly at the ground. “...Sorry if I worried you guys… I guess that’s really unprofessional of me…” Johnny waves his hand.

“Ah, don’ worry aboot it! Everyone goes through a rough patch every now an’ then!” He lowers his hand. “...Maybe next time though, don’ disappear for days straight…? Ye had Price and Gaz worried somethin’ fierce, even Ghost was gettin’ ready t’ knock yer door doon.” Your face flushes bright red with embarrassment.

“...I’ll keep that in mind…” You start to head inside, but pause and look at Johnny once more. “...Thank you, again. For listening to me… It… It really meant a lot.” He gives you a gentle smile.

“Aye, thas whit friends are for.” You smiled at him.

“Goodnight, Johnny. I’ll see you tomorrow.” He bids you goodnight as well and you walk inside.

Johnny listens to your fading footsteps and clacking of your cane, the sounds slowly being overtaken by crickets chirping. He leans back and rests his head against the wall. He never imagined tonight would have gone like this. He never imagined how hurt you were. He thought back to how you looked earlier, hands pressed to your face, voice trembling. He knew you had gone through hell but damn. He never thought it was that bad.

…Maybe that’s why Simon had tried to comfort you that day. Maybe he could sense you were broken too. Speakin’ of Simon, he’s probably wonderin’ where the hell I am… Johnny lets loose a sigh and stands, stretching his limbs. How long had the two of you been sitting there? Must’ve been an hour or more. He headed back inside, making his way down the hall.

Hopefully, after tonight, you’d be more comfortable sharing your thoughts. Hopefully, you wouldn’t feel the need to bury them inside until they burst. He reached the door to his room, and looked down the hall. A small smile tugged at his lips as he thought about your laughter earlier.

He hoped you slept well tonight.

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Heyyyyy..... So sorry that I haven't updated this fic in awhile.... I fell out of the COD fandom after my hyperfixation ended lol... But!! I'm not going to give up on this fic!! I think I have a good story and I wanna tell it!! But, updates will probably be slow tbh since I'm in school so.... We'll see how long it will take. But rest assured, this fic will be completed one way or another!! Ciao !!

XOXOXOXOXOX <3

tagged people:

@sucka2me @deltottoro @zyonsay

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