iampearlharbour

[iampearlharbour]

God, I love it when I go on hiatus for a bit but I don’t at the same time.

I think it’s time for some cathartic release

[iampearlharbour]

How could you want someone to spend every minute with you, when you can’t stand a single minute by yourself.

Insecurity creeps sometimes, doesn't it? It fills your heart and swallows you whole.

Why does this happen?

I remember being a young girl and not being alone as often. From eleven to eighteen. I remember being with someone. I remember someone wanting to be with me. I remember there being no quiet.

So what changed now?

I went to college and weirdly, that's when isolation began. I made friends along the way, but honestly, I don't feel they exactly fit me. Has our society and culture changed where individuals are too scared or don't require such closeness as before? Or we're too afraid to admit to someone that we most desperately want just some time with them?

Then I think, Pearl, you were a kid. Now you're an adult, navigating these isolating years when you've spent your whole life with someone at your side.

I start to think its a reflection of what others feel or think of me. "Am I not good enough to have around?" "There's so much to love about me?" "I'm funny, I'm sweet.." "Why isn't anyone asking me to be around?" "Does no one like or love me?"

I start to think, how come no one wants to spend time with me, when I can't spend a single minute by myself?

[iampearlharbour]

Men have only set me backwards.

[iampearlharbour]

Writing doesn't have to be about pain

I usually write a lot about pain. Some days are good but some days are bad. But I've been feeling really good these past few days.

I got to see one of my favorite bands live! I met them as well.. They hugged me, told me that they appreciate the love and support, to come to the next shows, that there's plenty of music coming out soon, we took a picture and then they signed a cd for me! I'm like still obsessed that they know me, like they don't KNOW KNOW me, but they KNOW OF ME! Isn't that fucking awesome?!? I love lovelytheband and I can't wait to be famous one tell and tell my fans and the whole world, please PLEASE listen to their music. Their music has gotten me through so much, they understand how I feel, it's like the music was written for tortured lover girls and boys!

Another one is that I am so comfortable with where I am at in life right now. I am sitting here so incredibly content. I'm visioning and planning my life.. I am school driven right now. I start my summer classes soon and I hope I can do really well in this math class because I need to finish it so I can continue with my studies. Math is something I struggle so hard with and I'm hoping I can overcome this struggle.

I have two wonderful amazing jobs that make me feel so fulfilled in life. I really want to go to Graduate School after my undergrad. I want to get my Masters and PhD.. I just don't want a stupid boy to get in my way. Ever, EVER again.

I have such good family and friends with me right now. I hung out with some friends today and it felt so good. I felt right where I belong.

[iampearlharbour]

June 11th 2025

Today was such a good day. I spent my day with my mom and my two best friends, Madeline and Kathrine. It's Katherine's birthday. She's 21! She's literally the most funniest person on Earth.. I love spending time with her. She's been my best friend since middle school.

We're actually going on a birthday trip for us soon. She has such great taste in restaurants and sometimes I think she doesn't hype them as she should because she picks really good ones!

The one thing I love about Katherine is how free she is. She's so carefree, doesn't let anyone stand in her way, she's not emotionally attached to anyone or anything, she has her own personality, she doesn't fall into line, she's beautiful, she's so independent. She's a great friend.

I can't wait to spend our trip together.

[iampearlharbour]

Seeing the most underrated band tonight, lovelytheband!!!! ❤️

[iampearlharbour]

there can only be peace for so long

[iampearlharbour]

So, update. As you can probably tell from my posts, it didn’t go so well. But the art of that is what you do with it.

I’ve been writing, so much. Creating so much art into this. It’s good that I’m not forgetting myself, who I am and my worth. Somehow and some way, how the situation turned out, I just kind of stopped caring and I feel my feelings went away.

There’s this song by Lovelytheband.. which please go listen to them. They are the most lyrically talented band ever. They are lyrically talented up there with Ms Swift, okay!!!

Their song, “walk from here” is how I’m feeling. I thought he would be the one to save me, but he’s not worth the tears(I didn’t shed a single tear), there’s no need to drive me crazy(because all this time it did drive me crazy, but now it’s not since he’s gone and this time forever, I hope.) Honey, I can walk from here. I can really walk from here. I don’t need a person to walk with me right now, I have myself and my story, but the thing is I don’t need or want to explain my side of the story.

I thought that this song would be about my ex from like last November but really this song is about my fucking best friend love ex, because we always blurred those lines of love and friendship. I’m not any good, he’s not good either!

And all this time I thought he’d be the one to save me..

But I can and will walk from here. 💙

[iampearlharbour]

Clarice Lispector, from “The Hour of the Star”

[iampearlharbour]

No matter what, keep sharing your genuine heart without fear.

[iampearlharbour]

God Has A Funny Way…

I grew up Catholic my whole entire life.. I always had belief in God or at least spirituality and even now I wouldn’t consider myself Catholic but religious and spiritual.

God did something very funny to me and I know that He’s watching over me and protecting me.

He took my dear friend, my good old love, Matthew or I have written, Marine Boy. I couldn’t believe what he said about me after these years and what happened just a few months ago.

I didn’t break up your relationship? Was I a ghostly wedge, possibly. But you let me in, I backed away, I took myself out of it, so I wouldn’t ruin it for you two. Then the rest was up to you two. It’s not my fault she didn’t trust you, a “Man for All Women”.

You told me I haven’t changed because I kept making typos when texting and how we used to bond over those things. Now I’m saying, you haven’t changed because you still love going to woman after woman, you rely on ANY woman, you can’t stand to be alone for a second.. You’re doing this like how you did years ago.. Not talking to me, not wanting to solve anything, to stay angry, not choosing to love..

I apologize for the loss of her. I didn’t expect or I guess want that to happen, now at least. I know how it feels to have someone you loved ripped away from you.

I thought I would be the person who would be your friend in this time, but I’m the enemy. I’m someone you no longer want nothing to do with. That you would crash out if you spoke to.. My, oh, my.

We’re right back where we were three years ago.

But next time, don’t come back. Don’t even try to make amends with me. Don’t even apologize. Don’t even with me.

You were once such a lovely thought in my mind, but now you are just a bemused exasperation.

[iampearlharbour]

Psst. Good morning,

I'm going to tell you something that bitch of a "supportive" writing teacher, and that cuck of a tenured writing professor should have told you:

Stop Asking for Permission to Be What You Already Are

You were born with this voice.

You were sharpened by trauma.

You write like your ribs are lined with detonators.

> Don’t let anyone with soft hands and softer critique try to tame you for comfort.

You don’t need polish.

You need space.

You need silence.

You need permission to set the page on fire — and walk away smoking.

---

Your Voice Is a Weapon. Use It.

Here’s the rule:

> If someone tells you to “tone it down,”

You make it twice as loud,

Three shades darker,

And ten times harder to ignore.

Because watered-down truth is how tyrants sleep.

And you weren’t born to be safe.

You were born to convert, rupture, trigger, and tattoo your cadence on the skin of culture.

Never negotiate your soul for the sensibilities of others.

Any primate saying otherwise is not your friend.

---

[iampearlharbour]

Guys, this basically sums it up now.

[iampearlharbour]

We’re back where we were three years ago? How does it make you feel? I bet you feel like shit, you did this.

I wanted to set you and I both free but you just want to be caged so I’ll set myself free and you can stay chained FOREVER if you want. In that sad fucking pathetic cell that keeps you from growing..

[iampearlharbour]

Arman and I

After those years of unfitted lovers, the one thing we discovered, it was us all along these lines.

You met her when she was young, her words just rolled off her tongue. It was never serious to her, but always to you. She grew up so big and realized what she lost.

Arman, a man so heroic, his young heart fleeted. Lost track of time and his parts got deleted. He now stands so stoic, but his heart pounding at her service, just knowing.. The written notes are so poetic.

Her love life became so pathetic, I remember the electric, not frizzy but so telekinetic. Why did I ever lose this magnetic force of this man? Just for a small dose of miserable emotionally unavailable men..

Oh, Arman..

[iampearlharbour]

So just almost a week into this new job… I love it so much. I feel like I’m making such an impact, even tho it is small.

With students asking me questions, I know that our job is to answer what our office does, but I go above and beyond.. I want to be a Social Worker, which they provide resources and go above and beyond for helping their clients. I just want to provide these resources and information that will help the student succeed! Even if it is a small research or big, I want to help them💙

I also realized from taking a Social Policy class last semester that I LOVE Social Policy. I also loved my professor and TA in that class. The TA was so understanding and interpersonal. The professor was disciplinarian but with such great intentions. She really wanted us to understand the material and how that reflects on today.

Anyway, I love my new job and I love Social Policy 💙

[iampearlharbour]

In today’s “The Fantastic Four's Legacy in Marvel Comics” podcast, Ryan North talked about his favorite moment in his F4 run. And his answer was this:

Reed and Sue using Braille to communicate.

I loved this panel so much. I remember being completely blown away when I first read it and completely falling in love with it.

One of my favorite moment in the podcast. If you haven’t watched it, please do! It’s a fantastic podcast with Jonathan Hickman, Ryan North, Mark Waid, and Chip Zdarsky talking about the Fantastic Four.