imakelosingbets

[imakelosingbets]

SP Future x Breaking Bad Snippet

In the desolate desert of New Mexico, there stood a smoking motorhome.

A bustling duo of addicts were cooking inside.

Cartman poured a mystery liquid into a beaker, along with some hot sauce to taste.

“You know, we really do have something, Kahl…” Cartman sighed.

“Like what, 50,000 dollars worth of fresh crystal?” Kyle snapped back.

“No, like, I cook and you do the business.”

…

“I’m not high enough for this stupid shit, do you have any Percocet?” Kyle deadpanned.

Author’s note: IDK what I wanna call this fic. It’s not super romantic so I doubt Ao3 will like it. But I like it. It’s like my own fugly ass love child. Everyone thinks it’s ugly except for me—I like it because it’s mine.

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You wouldn’t last a day in my sick mind.

My head be full of enemies to lovers marriage aus with the kind of angst where they’re questioning if their partner really loves them… and they do.

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I have 23 bitches on Snapchat.

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I don’t want the huzz knowing I write Kyman crack fan fic goddamn it!

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I’ve sort of changed my mind about not keeping this. Stan would totally say that but Kyle has to be a massive hypocrite for that to happen. I’ll see if this fits somewhere in a future chapter.

Ulterior Motives outtakes

“Kyle, no offense but your relationship with Cartman makes me wanna kill myself,” Stan deadpanned.

“Yeah, I agree, I’ve never been suicidal but even I feel like killing myself,” Clyde added.

“Woah woah woah, come on you guys, you can’t kill yourselves,” Cartman panicked.

Cartman handed Kyle a gun.

“The blood has to be on Kyle’s hands.”

“WHAT THE FUCK.”

Reason for outtake: Stan is too mean in this, I don’t think he’d say that + Cartman making Kyle kill people is probably too much

It was SO funny to me when I wrote it

Lmk if I should show more outtakes

[imakelosingbets]

Kyle, the drug fiend, Pt 1

Kyle was out on the street, sopping wet and shivering on the side of the road.

He was just fired from Waffle House for throwing a metal chair at an angry customer.

It was an old dick named Randy Marsh—his friend Stan’s dad.

He was throwing a fit in a whole ass Karen fit because his waffles were soggy.

Motherfucker, it’s a Wafflehouse.

Against his better judgement, he felt throwing that chair was justified.

Randy was starting to get physical, and though his old brittle bones would’ve cracked if he threw a punch, Kyle didn’t want to take any chances.

He had enough that day, he had to break up, like, three different fights because they’re on the more ratchet side of town.

He was sick of that job anyway.

But he also blew all of his money on crack.

Fuck, he needed to get high.

He reached in his pocket and took out 3 random pills and stared at them for a moment before gulping them like a whole ass cartoon.

He leaned back as his vision started to blur.

Before passing out he saw some fugly guy with brown hair asking him if he was ok.

Next thing he knew he was in one of those luxury beds that you can just sink into like quicksand.

By his side was that man, he was holding his hand and checking for a pulse.

Kyle squinted at him.

“Did… you fucking molest me?”

His eyes widened.

“No, no, no. I didn’t even touch you.”

“You look familiar, are you…? No, you can’t be…”

He looked embarrassed.

“It’s uh… it’s me, Eric.”

“Eric…? What’s your last name?” Kyle squinted once more.

“It’s me, Cartman!”

“Dear god, out of all the people I could run into when I O.D., it’s you.”

“You’ve been doing drugs? Kahl, you need an intervention.”

“Oh and you’re giving me an intervention even though you’re the one who ruined my life.”

“What the fuck are you talking about?”

“Turning your life around, leaving me behind, seeing that woman…!”

Cartman clutched Kyle’s hand.

“I didn’t mean for things to turn out this way.”

“…But they did, you left me and I had to work at fucking Wafflehouse in the hood. Do you have any idea what I’ve been through because of you?” Kyle seethed.

“We were supposed to be partners… business partners..”

“I know, but I left that life behind, Kahl. I’m a scientist now.”

“Yeah, you’re a pussy scientist! We had chemistry, Cartman. We cooked!”

“I know, but I’ve got all the money we need now! We don’t have to make meth anymore!”

“This isn’t about the meth, Cartman. It’s about us. You promised that we would be making meth until we were put in a nursing home by our baby daddies.”

Cartman’s expression softened.

“Fuck, you’re right.”

…

“Let’s cook, Kahl.”

Author’s note: I don’t even know if I’m gonna finish this, I just wanted to post it somewhere. Would ao3 enjoy this? Probably not, but I do.

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Being an ao3 writer is having 175 notes on your notes app.

Bonus points if one of them is Dream SMP related but it’s unfinished and you don’t remember shit about it.

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Soon.

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If you haven’t read “Eric Cartman and the Legendary Penis Elixir” don’t talk to me.

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Ulterior Motives outtakes

“Kyle, no offense but your relationship with Cartman makes me wanna kill myself,” Stan deadpanned.

“Yeah, I agree, I’ve never been suicidal but even I feel like killing myself,” Clyde added.

“Woah woah woah, come on you guys, you can’t kill yourselves,” Cartman panicked.

Cartman handed Kyle a gun.

“The blood has to be on Kyle’s hands.”

“WHAT THE FUCK.”

Reason for outtake: Stan is too mean in this, I don’t think he’d say that + Cartman making Kyle kill people is probably too much

It was SO funny to me when I wrote it

Lmk if I should show more outtakes

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Crack fan fiction is an underrated art.

I get it, angst-hurt-comfort is where it’s at, but I’m being so fr when I say it’s so much fun.

Writing goofy shit makes me so happy.

Especially when I’m able to come up with something rlly funny to put in there.

Idk, it’s just my comfort

Does anyone else feel like this?

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Kyman - Ulterior Motives Ch1

Once upon a time, there was a lonely grand wizard who was hopelessly in love with the elf king.

He tried to let him know by sending him three gifts: gold, frankincense, and myrrh.

But alas, he never knew where they were from.

He requested to talk to the king directly to tell him that he was the one sending the gifts but his mighty paladin refused him access.

“You’ll just have to tell me, I’m sorry, rules are rules, dude.”

He couldn’t confess his undying love for him to a mere paladin.

“Move aside P, I got business with the king,” Cartman brushed past him.

“Not so fast,” Stan drew his sword and pointed it wildly close to Cartman’s head.

“The king isn’t taking any visitors,” Stan chewed on his lollipop.

“Where did you get that—“

“Oh, Kyle gave it to me.”

Cartman was overcome with jealousy.

“WUH-AH—Can I have one?!” Cartman staggered and begged.

“Let me ask the king,” Stan disappeared into the purple tent atop the tree.

“Ok, so he says you’re a fat fuck and of course you would ask that.”

Cartman frowned.

“Can you ask him to say something nice to me…please?”

Stan sighed and popped his head back in the tent.

“He says you’re not picky with food, and that he admires that.”

Cartman flushed.

“He admires me?”

“He’s calling you fat—“

It was too late, he already let it get to his head.

He started smiling all goofy and love struck.

Stan rolled his eyes.

“My liege, I think we have a problem with security,” he whispered.

“You think?”

“How did he get in here?”

“I don’t know dude, I thought I sent the New Kid and his buddy Dog Balls to defend our territory from the enemy but I suppose he pummeled them with his fat fucking ass.”

“Oh my god,” Kyle facepalmed.

“What should we do?”

“I think we have to move.”

“Whatcha guys talkin about?” Cartman poked in.

“GET OUTTTT!” Stan gutturally hissed.

Cartman walked in and made himself comfortable.

“I was thinking… you, me and Casa Bonita, tonight, elf boy. What do you say?”

“What? Why?”

“Did you get any of my gifts?”

“Ohhh, you mean the gold, frankincense and myrrh—in that order?”

“Yes.”

“Yeah, that was nice of you… I guess,” Kyle shrugged.

…

“So… are you coming?”

“You know what?”

“I’ll go if you promise to stop bothering me and my kingdom like this.”

“Oh, asking me not to bother you would be too much!” Cartman cackled.

“I was hoping you’d let me stay in your kingdom…for a while?”

“You have your own kingdom to deal with, you dumb bastard.”

Oh yeah, I left that out.

Grand Wizard King Cartman.

He wants to go on a date with his kingdom’s rival—the elven kingdom.

They’ve had this long standing rivalry since the creation of these two kingdoms.

And they’ve always hated each other.

But to Cartman, this long standing rivalry made his advances feel all the more romantic.

He thinks the humans and the elves should make love, not war.

And he was desperate for a future where that was true.

“…This isn’t about my kingdom though, it’s about you and me.”

“Huh?���

“I’m asking for an alliance.”

“An alliance? What does that entail?”

“You, me and Casabonita.”

…

“What?”

“I want to take you to a nice restaurant to discuss the alliance.”

…

“A nice restaurant? You call Casabonita a nice restaurant?”

“You like Casabonita.”

“Ok, but I wouldn’t call it a nice restaurant, their food makes me wanna shit my brains out.”

“Ok, but you literally chose to go there for your birthday.”

“Well, yeah, but just because I went there for my birthday doesn’t mean I’d want to go there for, say, a date or something.”

Cartman’s heart skipped a beat.

He hadn’t even mentioned it being a date before.

“Where would you want to go?”

“I don’t know, for an important meeting like this we should probably go to—“

“Faggoncini.”

“Faggoncini.”

Cartman smirked, delighted that he had the right restaurant in mind.

“I know what you like, Kyle.”

Kyle rolled his eyes.

“What time?”

“Seven.”

“But I know your Jew ass can’t stay past eight.”

“Alright, seven.”

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This is controversial, I know, but I think it should be normalized to ship shit just because it’s funny. Like, they wouldn’t be a good couple, but god, I would laugh so hard if they were one because their dynamic is gold.