insomnia-02-59 - Tumblr blog

[insomnia-02-59]

Insomnia-02:53

The feminine urge to punish yourself for no reason 🤪

I mean…I went to a party and drank a little too much which made me do things that make me feel ashamed like dancing badly and saying things I normally wouldn't say. Because of that, I now want to hurt myself to compensate for this “bad” behavior.

Rationally I know I didn't do anything wrong, but emotionally it's another story….

Also, I hate feeling needy like I am right now. It makes everything worse. Unfortunately is too much to ask for a hug theses days.

Everyone loves to say how much smart, cool, funny, beautiful I am, but when the shit gets real I’m always alone.

Alone, needy and unable to trust anyone, that’s who I am.

[insomnia-02-59]

Insomnia-2:28

Finishing a workout right now because I’m fat as fuck.

Fuck… I hate my body so much right now. I wish I could cut off all this fat I fell in me

Why can't I eat healthy?

Because unfortunately, food is the only thing that brings me joy lately and a salad don’t spark serotonin in the same level that chocolate

But now I just feel guilty and disgusted

[insomnia-02-59]

Insomnia-02:04

Being bi and single is the equivalent of playing on both teams at the same time and still losing

[insomnia-02-59]

Insomnia-04:53

I just want to cry but I can’t

What’s wrong with me?

I feel so numb but in the same time I know that I’m so sad, so desperate, so alone that I just don’t want to exist anymore

Why I have to exist?

[insomnia-02-59]

Insomnia-3:45

Just completely empty

[insomnia-02-59]

Insomnia-1:20

I feel restless and uncomfortable in my own skin

Why does this keep happening? Why does this cycle never end? Why am i incapable of not being tense all the time?

So many questions and i have no answer to any of them… All I can do is feel useless

Just for a day reality could be the same as the reality i create in my head, just for a day things could be easy

We can't win all but just lose all time sucks

[insomnia-02-59]

Insomnia-01:55

If I knew college was going to try to kill me from exhaustion I would have applied sooner.

but being serious now, i really believe i must be in a burn out. I wish I had the strength to paint and draw, and I don't even have that anymore

it's all gone

[insomnia-02-59]

Insomnia-02:16

I still don't have time to dedicate myself to the things I like but...

Today i feel good, for the first time in a long time i left my house and when I came back, I was smiling in my uber. This situation made me think and sometimes it's good to think.

I've come to realize that I can't stop other people from making choices that will make them sad.

And most importantly, I can't let their shitty choices affect me.

I was drowning the last few days in a drama that wasn't mine, for a person who wouldn't do the same for me

Fuck that person, she doesn't deserve all the mental stress i went through listening to her

[insomnia-02-59]

Insomnia-01:55

i miss having time to post here

I'm so busy fulfilling commitment after commitment that I don't have time to feel anymore. I’m just empty, when I look in the mirror there's simply no one there. But that's depression, my only wish is that I didn't have problems with addiction to at least deal with things medicated.

Life ain't easy and i make it worse, baby.

[insomnia-02-59]

Insomnia-02:18

I wish I could sleep

If a shitty love life wasn’t enough, my friendships are a mess right now.

I think what hurts the most is the fact that you think you're someone's friend, but that person is best friends with a person who simply tried to sabotage you in every way possible and still does. Which makes it impossible for you to completely trust that person.

Is a relationship worth it if there is no 100% trust?

I can't fake or lie, I don't think it's worth befriending someone you don't trust 100%. However, I can't let go of this friendship, so I'm going to come here and complain about how much it hurts me until I find out what I can do to change this situation.

[insomnia-02-59]

Insomnia-02:22

Why do people care so much about physical appearance?

I'm so fucking tired of this kind of thing

Can I meet someone and they really hear me talking without interrupting what I say to make some observation about my appearance?

Why is it so hard for people to hear?

Why is it so hard to have a real conversation with someone?

I'm tired of talking and the only one who listens is me

I just wanted to disappear…

But do those who are never heard really exist?

I guess my wish came true

[insomnia-02-59]

Let you fade away was necessary

Or maybe I was the one who fade away

It doesn't matter, in the end I'll always be alone

[insomnia-02-59]

How many cracks exists in your head?

What comes out through them?

Unfortunately in my case the bad still outweighs the good

[insomnia-02-59]

Insomnia-03:15

Last night I went to a party.

It's funny to realize that for a few moments and with the help of a brownie (if you know what I mean) I had fun and enjoyed myself in a way I haven't been able to in a long time. However, when I got home the depression returned.

People are capable of feeling many things at the same time, while my head can create good things it also creates a lot of shit and when I say a lot, I really mean a lot.

Maybe i will draw this later

[insomnia-02-59]

Can you accept the worst part of you?

Can you do that without it taking control and hurting you and others?

I hope one day I can

[insomnia-02-59]

Insomnia-01-36

The worst part of getting over an eating disorder is missing how much you were able to control your eating.

Currently I have the basic package: depression, anxiety, adhd, dyslexia, etc. Despite overcoming the eating disorder, I still have body dysmorphia. At least I hope I still have body dysmorphia because if my body is the way I see and feel… Oh boy I’ll be in trouble

In the last few days I can only feel uncomfortable with my body, but I can't find the motivation to change. My depression is stronger now, so I can only eat junk food and this just makes me feel worse about myself, even though I exercise I'm still dissatisfied when I look at myself.

My body is disgusting, my health is disgusting, my soul is disgusting and all I can do is make it worse

[insomnia-02-59]

How many cups of tea do I have to drink to not feel alone anymore?

The answer is simple: no matter how many cups of tea I drink, I will still be alone. Because at the end of the day people don't care about tea. They don't care if you like chamomile and hate hibiscus. The only thing that matters is if you're going to fuck them… and I probably would, but that wouldn't make me any less alone. The last few days the biggest sexual fantasy I can think of is having a real conversation with someone and actually being heard by someone else. That’s so sad