irisesinyoureyes

[irisesinyoureyes]

I'm dating again after The Incident. And it's hard. I'm being wary of every minute detail and it's exhausting. I don't want to be taken advantage of. How do I not be taken advantage of?

[irisesinyoureyes]

i'm getting better at recognizing when people are crossing my boundaries. and i'm getting better at speaking up.

i recently moved in with one of my "best friends"/college roommate. it's been almost 4 months now and i realize he's not my best friend. i think he was just someone i clung onto when i was insecure and codependent in college.

i used him. he used me. i changed. he didn't. i'm trying to use different methods of coping with my emotions. he isn't. he's still using me.

i'm glad i'm in a place in my life where this realization won't fill me with primal fear. it's just a realization (one i have cried over, mind you). but i can detach from this realization enough to see that this was something i had inklings of for a while. this wasn't big news. it's just news. it means my suspicions were correct. it means i can identify people who take me for granted. it means i need to distance myself from him.

the last part is hard. i've known him for 8 years now. we've done so much self-damaging shit together. i hated myself when i met him. so i decided to love him instead. i don't think he loves himself. i don't think i can be around that anymore.

putting up boundaries around him is hard. it means something more than face-value. he's one of my last, if not my last, codependent relationship in my life. when i change our relationship (for the better), i'm saying goodbye to that version of me. that sick, twisted version of love i believed was for me. the parts of me who never felt like enough. who felt that it was easier to focus on loving a broken person instead of myself.

and i'm sad about it. i'm sad i'm leaving that old version of me behind. i think i've been kicking and screaming about it for ages actually, but i've ignored those tantrums. but i can't any longer.

i've fallen out of love with the addiction, the codependent high. it was fun (god it was fun). but i kinda like the stability of whatever non-codependency is (healthy relationships? boundaries.?). i like the give and take in relationships. i like asking if i can vent before i do. i like knowing my friends love me because of me, not because i help them out of their own despair.

i want to be loved, not used. i've wanted that all along. i just didn't know how to get there. now i do, so how can i keep letting myself be used? i can't

[irisesinyoureyes]

Oh my.. oh my..., living without you really is torture. Makes me wonder if I should peel my skin off to not feel this empty and lonely.

[irisesinyoureyes]

Breaking out of my people-pleasing addiction because I wanted to be liked and kept around… instead of telling people my truth or even attempting to be myself….

is a journey that I'm still on.

And as I break out of it more, not knowing if I'm even doing this the right way, I know I will lose people who were in connection with my masked past selves.

I now consider (and have for a while, especially when I became aware of how often I did it) that people pleasing was a compulsory addiction that ruined my sense of what safety meant in relationships, propelled me to danger, distanced me from my identity, and a manipulation.

I consider people-pleasing manipulation, even if I wasn't aware or intending of manipulation.

If I acted a certain way to “please” or “conform” or “be palatable” to appease a person, institution, or even myself… I was manipulating instead of DARING to be authentic.

[irisesinyoureyes]

god but what if i liked being suffocated by you?

[irisesinyoureyes]

reality doesn't feel as string-bare as it did when i asked you to leave. it feels string-bare though. like i'm cracked. reality is cracked. my pieces are spilling out of this body.

(these hands, are they even mine?)

i don't wish anyone to put me back together this time. leave me oozing all over the floor.

look, look at the mess!

you have to turn and look!

[irisesinyoureyes]

“Love is not about sex, going on fancy dates, or showing off. It’s about being with a person who makes you happy in a way nobody else can.”

— Unkown

[irisesinyoureyes]

I'm a bird

that keeps

falling out of the

sky for fear

of not being

able to fly.

Once, a broken wing

now healed

but the pain

still fresh

in my mind.

How do I soar

when all those

memories weigh me down?

Come,

back to

Now.

Back to Now.

Back to Now.

So simple

yet so hard.

But practice

makes better

and that's where I am.

Better,

not perfect

because no bird can be.

[irisesinyoureyes]

my therapist tells me i'm not like the others. i've grown from my trauma. i didn't stay stagnant. (but she doesn't know how much i cry on my bathroom floor. how many times a day i think "i want to die." how much i wish to just not be.)

yes, i agree. i must be unlike the others.

[irisesinyoureyes]

a was selfish and egotistical. they only pretended to accept their flaws. but when someone else pointed one out, they found a way to defend themself without sounding defensive.

they drew a line between them and others. they (whether consciously or not) carried themself as if they knew everything and were above humanness. but no, they were human. they had flaws. they weren't perfect.

but they would never admit that. and therefore, could never connect with others on an intimate level. gods can't relate to humans.

and if you think you're a god, no amount of time in a relationship will make you feel accepted and loved if you cannot witness your own humanity

[irisesinyoureyes]

people say “if you don’t lower your standards, you’re gonna end up spending your whole life alone!” like being a healthy, happy, financially independent single adult is actually worse than being stuck in an abusive and/or emotionally unfulfilling relationship with someone who isn’t willing/able to meet your needs. like no offense, but I think I’m gonna choose to be happy rather than throwing myself into a relationship just for the sake of being in a relationship. 

[irisesinyoureyes]

i keep questioning myself if i was emotionally absued and sexually assaulted.

but then i remember the facts. how my ex literally inserted themself into me without a condom when it was an established fact i don't consent to that unless in extremely rare, explicitly verbalized occassions.

plus, they did this while i was in emotional shambles. we had just established that we were fluid bonded with each other, so i felt i had to let them enter me so they could feel connected to me. otherwise, i was scared they'd want to fluid bond with their new girlfriend with whom i found out they recently fell in love with (we had an open relationship, but i didn't ever want full-on polyamory). god, the whole thing is so fucked up.

and i just feel like i did this all to myself. i should have said no earlier. i should have ended things. i shouldn't have kept the open part of the relationship a secret.

but also, i recognize that's all just victim blaming. i'm victim blaming myself and that's not cool.

i know this isn't as huge as r*pe, but it still affected me. i sometimes don't feel like i can let it affect me so much because it was so small and simple. but i don't think that matters. my boundaries were violated in insidious ways. that's the pain. that's the harm. that's the trauma i must learn to shed from my skin.

[irisesinyoureyes]

i sometimes don't know if i am actually tired or just depressed or having a ptsd episode

[irisesinyoureyes]

i used to be really sick for 6 years. now i'm better but everything seems temporary. i don't feel like things will last. i don't know what to do with this extra time/health/life i stumbled upon

[irisesinyoureyes]

lol well r told me they want to be friends, so I don't have to even figure out what the heck was going on there anymore

[irisesinyoureyes]

“Perhaps you have forgotten. That’s one of the great problems of our modern world, you know. Forgetting. The victim never forgets. Ask an Irishman what the English did to him in 1920 and he’ll tell you the day of the month and the time and the name of every man they killed. Ask an Iranian what the English did to him in 1953 and he’ll tell you. His child will tell you. His grandchild will tell you. And when he has one, his great-grandchild will tell you too. But ask an Englishman—” He flung up his hands in mock ignorance. “If he ever knew, he has forgotten. ‘Move on!’ you tell us. ‘Move on! Forget what we’ve done to you. Tomorrow’s another day!’ But it isn’t, Mr. Brue.” He still had Brue’s hand. “Tomorrow was created yesterday, you see. That is the point I was making to you. And by the day before yesterday, too. To ignore history is to ignore the wolf at the door.”

- A Most Wanted Man, John le Carré

[irisesinyoureyes]

9.13.2023

Sometimes I don’t want a partner but a parent.

Someone who’ll protect and guide,

who’ll cradle as much as cherish.

There are parts of you that hate and caretake.

Now that they’re dying,

I’m left to bandage myself in your wake.