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[life-on-the-rocks]

Ketamine Treatment #3 & #4

Treatment number three was unfortunately not as much of an "experience" as the last two treatments, so I decided to combine numbers 3 and 4, so it's a long interesting one!

I started dosing down on my anti-psychotic and noticed that I became easily agitated. This is not new to me; every time I come off my medicine, I go through a period where I get agitated quickly. I hate this feeling because I tend to hurt the people I love by giving attitudes I don't mean to give.

When I got to the Ketamine clinic for treatment number three, I explained my agitation, and they reassured me that things would get better, that I was experiencing normal human emotions.

My last trip was pretty intense, so I would stay at my dose of 40mg, but they told me that my body would start getting used to the medicine and that I was at the clinic to work on myself, not just stay relaxed for 40 minutes. So to 45mg, we went!

I put my headphones in, and after 5 minutes, my brain was ready to start working.

This time it wasn't as intense; it was more relaxing. I often open my eyes every once in a while to see how the visuals of my trip. When I opened my eyes, I saw a picture on the wall with a fish in it; that fish, for some reason, reminded me of my best friend, that passed away in 2019. The only connection I could make between the two was that she was finally free. Free to float through the wide-open ocean and experience so many beautiful things. I don't know why my brain perceived this picture this way, but it made me think that she wanted to tell me that she was okay and that I would be okay.

I was highly relaxed, but that was most of my trip besides the fish visual. I believe my body needed the rest; I've been extremely exhausted, and being able to relax and go into my own little world is precisely what my body and mind needed.

Treatment number 4!

After my last treatment, I wasn't worried about going up on my dose this time, we decided to go up from 45mg to 50mg, and I was ready! The whole reason I wanted to do this was to get an experience to finally heal from what has been hurting and haunting me for so long. The dreaded depression and worry just wouldn't stop. Well, I found that in ketamine treatment.

We started the IV, I put my headphones in, and there I went (:

About five minutes into my treatment, my body relaxed, and my mind started to work.

The music I listen to never has words; it's usually a symphony type. I always listen to the same songs, but this time I decided to start from further down in the playlist. This song started In a "calm" tone. I felt myself going "up." When I say going "up," it kind of feels like my body is being lifted up by something to brightness, and I feel super light. The weight is finally lifted off of my shoulders. Then the song took a turn, transferring into a deeper, more dark tone. At this moment, I saw myself going "down." The weight on my shoulders and legs was so heavy that I couldn't hold myself up. The sound was so intense, and it was still darker in tone. As I tentatively waited for the brightness and lightness to come back, I realized something; I realized that this is where I have been for so long in my life.

This whole part of my trip was a metaphor to make me really feel and see what I have been experiencing for so so long in my life. The depression holds you down like cinderblocks tied to your feet and falling in the ocean, trying to survive on your own; even though there is light at the top, it is so hard to find when you feel like you have no control.

But once you find that top, it's one hell of a ride.

Finally! the music went back up, and I was ecstatic! I felt happiness, faith, and love, and I felt super light again. This is where I am going, I am not there 100% yet, but I have faith that I will get there today. The feeling of wanting to live and wanting to see where your life goes is something I don't remember feeling, but it is incredible.

Today, I have goals. I am genuinely feeling happy, and one day, you can too.

Please heart this post if you enjoy reading these and think I should keep writing more!

ALWAYS feel free to message me or comment if you have any questions, much love to you all<3

[life-on-the-rocks]

Ketamine Treatment #2

WOW. This infusion was insanely different than the first!

They upped my dose from 35mg to 40mg, and boy did I feel the difference!

I put my headphones in and went on an insane trip.

This time, when I opened and closed my eyes, it still felt like my eyes were open. I could see everything with my eyes closed, the whole room and Caitlin sitting there.

I don't know if this was an out-of-body experience, but it was CRAZY. I had to keep grounding (touching the chair, having Caitlin touch my leg) so I could decipher real life from my trip.

Everything seemed "glitchy," like playing a video game with shitty internet! The pictures on the walls moved when I moved my head and traces of objects.

One thing I can specifically remember is feeling like I could see energy. When I looked at Caitlin, it was like waves coming off her. Kind of like when you see the heat on the pavement.

The doctors were giving off energy; I'm just not sure my brain is open enough yet to see the colors of their energy (I think I will get there).

This infusion was not what I was expecting at all, it wasn't as eye-opening, enlightening, BUT I feel different.

I can calmly do things that would typically break me down before. For example, my fiance and i's cat has been on and off sick; as he is Caitlin's baby, she is very emotional with him. I have taken the lead to do whatever I need to do to make Caitlin and my family happy. I am the STRONG inspirational warrior today.

Today I can stand up and be the emotional support my family needs. As Caitlin and I go through hard times, I see myself growing. I am not breaking down as easily, I'm standing up for what I believe in, and I'm not scared.

This treatment wasn't like the last, but I still don't want to die, and I feel SO much stronger than before. SO clear-headed! I have NEVER been clear-headed; I have always been the one that needs emotional support but not today!

As I look back at my treatment the next day, it is easier for me to decipher what my feelings were during my treatment. This treatment made me stronger because it was a lot stronger of a trip, I got scared at times, but I got myself through it. I controlled my emotions and calmed myself down. If I can calm myself down and control my emotions while tripping my ass off, I think I can do it sober!

Mental illness is not something to take lightly, I was so close to killing myself.

I want everyone to know that you CAN do it. I know where you are right now, and I know it's fucking hard, but if I can do it, so can you! If you have any questions about my treatment, please comment below!

[life-on-the-rocks]

Ketamine Infusion #1

I had my first ketamine infusion, there are no words to describe the feelings I had.

For those who don't know, Ketamine is a dissociative anesthetic; dissociative refers to the effect of feeling disconnected. Ketamine can produce hallucinations similar to LSD and PCP. This drug is being used "off-label" to treat medication-resistant depression and social anxiety disorder and many other benefits. Please do not try ketamine without the supervision and dosing of a doctor.

I want to start by telling you that on the way to my treatment I wanted to die, I was wishing for something to happen so I didn't have to live anymore. Those were my thoughts ALL day and night. I just could not stop the thoughts of killing myself.

I got to the treatment center and they sat me in a comfy recliner and put a blood pressure cuff on me and an IV and soon after, we started the infusion.

5 minutes in, I felt nothing. My thoughts were, "of course, something else that isn't going to work." Well, 5 minutes later, I said out loud, "I don't want to die! I have a purpose."

At that moment, I realized... I am not supposed to be in control of when I die. That is not up to me. I was put on this earth for a purpose: to help people in any way I can.

The universe is in control of when I die, NOT ME. For me to realize that was huge!

To realize I don't want to die is something I could have only dreamed of. I don't remember the last time I woke up genuinely wishing to live; I am content when waking up in the morning.

I don't have that haunting feeling of wanting to end my life. I don't have the devil and angel pulling me back and forth trying to decide whether to live or die.

I feel close to being at peace.

So here I am, one treatment down, five to go.

Continue to follow my journey and heal with me. Please feel free to ask any questions in the comments!

[life-on-the-rocks]

The downward spiral that brought me back up. 

Hey everyone! I am sorry that I stopped posting; I went on a deep downward spiral. I have been on the road of hitting rock bottom for quite a while now; I started getting off of my anti-psychotics and came cold turkey off of my mood stabilizer. I just went downhill. I forgot how to handle my emotions, so everything in my head went back to my 14-year-old self before I started this medication.

But I'm back, And I'm here to tell you how I have been overcoming the deepest, most intrusive suicidal thoughts I've ever had. When I tell you that I was suicidal, I mean it. I could not stop thinking about dying.

A fantastic friend of mine suggested that I try Ketamine Infusions. I was all for it, I have done almost everything you can think of to cure my anxiety and depression, including TMS therapy (basically shocking my brain), so I'm never really scared to try something to help relieve these feelings.

I signed the forms and got my medical records sent over, and the following week I started my treatments. I have scheduled 6 infusions, and I have completed 2; following this post, I will post what I wrote about my first 2 treatments on Facebook. I want to share with you my journey of self-realization and recovery.

Follow me on this trippy journey of life. I hope my stories can help you see that there is light in this life; it is hard to find when you are burying everything good that happens under all of your unsolved trauma and inability to handle natural human emotions. I want to tell you there is hope! I'm living proof, so if you need an extra pep in your step, I will try to write every day!

Thank you for all the support I have been getting; much love to you all

[life-on-the-rocks]

Trigger warning!

Abuse is real, especially in children. When I was 4 I was sexually abused by neighborhood kids. It was a sunny day, you can't forget that when youre on your back looking up at the sky trying to pretend nothing is happening. In my neighborhood we had a electric box covered by a bush, you could go inside the bush and couldnt see inside. About five to six older boys took me into the bush, put me on the electric box, took off my pants, and did what they wanted to me. I never told anyone and i cant tell you why. It was one of the scariest things to happen to me. I got my innocence stolen from me at the ripe Ole' age of 4. The crazy thing is that they probably dont even think about it but here I am 22 years later still trying to cope with these feelings. They didn't just steal my innocence, they stole my self worth. It's like these memories are renting space m my brain and I can't figure out how to evict them. The actions of these boys have influenced how I feel about myself now and have made me do things I never thought I would. My self worth over the years has been terrible, I ended up selling pictures of my body to make extra money. It may not seem like that big of a deal but that is just not something I really believe in doing. The extra money was nice but my morals were slowly slipping away. I wasn't ME anymore. I turned into someone I didnt know. I don't know how to overcome abuse, that is something i am slowly dealing With. I just came out about my abuse about 3 weeks ago. Not only was I abused by the neighborhood kids my cousin started sexually abusing me when I was young. I dont remember how old I was when it started but there is alot that I will never forget. The abuse went on for years and years, She was crazy, she would lock me In the bathroom for "party time" I was told not to tell anyone and of course I didn't. If I told on her then that would mean I would never see my other cousins again. Also she was very mentally unstable and she scared me. why is it that whenever someone comes out about abuse people always question why you didn't say anything? what people dont understand is that It is not that simple to just say something. Its SCARY. If you or anyone you know is dealing with the healing of abuse please Share your coping mechanisms! It's almost like learning and loving yourself again. A rebirth If you will. I am not the little girl that is getting abused. I am a grown strong woman!

[life-on-the-rocks]

I went into therapy because I fell 12 feet down a manhole. I was scared ALL the time. I felt this gut wrenching feeling randomly and to my understanding, an 8 year old doesn’t exactly know how to explain anxiety. My parents didn’t know how to further help me so we took the venture into therapy. Fast forward 18 years and who would have known, I’m still in therapy. What would happen over those 18 years would be unimaginable to my 8 year old self. Over the years I would struggle with constant anxiety, depression, uncontrolled emotions, abuse, ptsd, alcoholism, drug addiction, and many more mental health issues that I will cover here. I want to make one thing clear in this blog and that is to recognize that everyone has their own “worst” moment in life. We all have our own individual emotions and circumstances in life and we are all valid. Take the rich and poor for example: you have a rich girl who didn’t get the car she wanted for her 16th birthday and a girl who is so poor she hasn’t eaten in 3 days. They both feel the WORST they’ve ever felt in their life, they were born into different circumstances it’s not their fault. Both girls feelings are 100% valid and deserve respect. I struggled so much with my feelings being validated and I still do but thankfully I have amazing people in my life to tell me I am valid and so are my feelings. What makes you feel validated? Drop a comment below so we can all get to know each other 🥰.

[life-on-the-rocks]

Emotional Rollercoaster

I started therapy at the age of 8 years old, I am now 26. Thinking back now and knowing that’s where it all started is crazy. Going to therapy at such a young age, I didn’t know that my emotions would be something I would struggle with immensely for the years to come. As we grow up we start to realize that controlling our emotions is important in order to go through life comfortably. Unfortunately not all of us are the best at controlling them, the older I got the harder it got to understand what I was feeling and how to react to my feelings. I never understood how some people just get it?! Most people don’t have to sit, think, and break down every single thought into a million little pieces in order to react appropriately. Why can’t I just simply understand? Why wasn’t I born with this natural ability to react correctly to situations? The answer will always be “I don’t know” because the truth is we never will know why we weren’t born with this ability but the best thing to know is there are ways to make processing these emotions easier. Unfortunately it’s not a simple fix, you have to be committed to changing the way you think. Honestly, I know what to do and I know how to do it but the hardest part is committing yourself to actually changing. I haven’t been able to make that jump but I’m hoping by sharing my story here that I will be able to process these emotions and I will be happier and healthier. 

Want to know why I started therapy? Hit that follow button, I will be posting as much as I can! 

[life-on-the-rocks]

Dive into my mind

I want to welcome you all to dive in with me to the raw and real life of living with mental health. It is hard to talk about, it’s sad, and it’s sickening but realizing our emotions and talking about them can change our whole lives. Life CAN be beautiful and fun. I wanted to create a space where we can all feel comfortable being ourselves and talking about our problems. It’s easiest to battle mental health when you have a community of people who just truly understand you. I will give you my true life experiences and emotions, it might be hard to read so please if you feel overwhelmed come back and read later when you feel safe! I have a passion for writing but I also have a passion for helping people improve their lives through sharing my story. 

My name is Mia, click the follow button to continue this journey