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[lifemusings25-blog]

5/4/2018

So Rob decided to message me back on Tuesday night quite late. I was a bit drunk as i’d been out for a few. Got a bit brave and basically just replied with ‘no offence but when you gonna fuck me’ hahahahahaha! I’m outrageous sometimes! He liked it though, was up until 3am sexting and video thing on snapchat, all pretty outrageous tbh. 

I then messaged him again last night saying i had a free house and he responded with ‘God dammit’ but then went offline and I’ve not heard from him since :/ Like almost 24 hours ago so yeah that’s annoying.

Ben is back tomorrow night and i’m pretty anxious about seeing him. I mean I feel at the moment that things are defs over but seeing him in person i may feel different I dunno. It’s a weird situation. 

[lifemusings25-blog]

3/4/2018

Fucking hell my life just gets more and more complex. 

So me and Rob stopped talking, I then went to visit Richard in London and me and Rob ended up getting together, we didn’t have sex but it started us just sitting on the sofa watching rugby under a blanket with some wandering hands. Later that evening he left the living room and i turned round and he sort of nodded his head at me indicating for me to go with him to his room, i followed. We were only in there a couple of intense minutes, we didn’t even kiss but I felt how hard he was and i don’t even remember it was a bit of a blur. I remember he spanked me though ahah!

That night Me & Richard went on a night out to Heaven, i was steaming. On the way home i saw Rob was online even though it was like 4am or something. I messaged him asking if he would be offended if i got into bed with him. I did..

We defs got together that night but i was really drunk and he didn’t let things escalate i don’t think but in the morning it got really intense, it was so hot fuck me i really did want to have sex with him he’s so strong and I know it would be so good, but I am still with Ben and we both knew it was wrong. I ended up having a mini panic attack, not sure why and i really fucking wish i didn’t, probs the hangover and he makes me light headed just in reading his messages sometimes! 

Anyway that was that, we didn’t speak much after i left London until the Friday- we were sexting via snapchat and I fucking love it. Then Ben got home and obvs i had to stop messaging and then we didn’t speak again after that. 

He’s in York this week, I bumped into him in the train station on my way home for a gig so i thought perfect time to initiate conversation, he’s in York for a week and me and Ben are officially on a break so i don’t need to feel as guilty. Rob doesn’t know we’re on a break and i feel it’s a but weird if i just outright tell him that. Richard was coming round to chill so i invited Rob too but no response really. He’s not even responding to snapchats of my dog which is deffo a sign he’s not interested i think. I feel like a bit of a mug for letting myself become so obsessed. 

So because Rob didn’t message back about doing something on Friday i ended up going out with some work pals at 11pm because I was bored and lonely. Got absolutely hammered next thing you know i’ve invited people back to mine (had an empty house) it’s 6.30am and i’ve just had a threesome with 2 of my work pals. I fucking went down on a girl wtf hahahaha! I didn’t have sex with the guy, it’s a hazy blur and work the next day was pretty brutal. How the fuck even... whatever!

Ben & I aren’t speaking until he gets back from Scotland then gonna decide what is next for us. I feel like i’ve let things go too far now

[lifemusings25-blog]

4/3/18

I’ve had a shitty week!

So since i last posted Rob did contact me, and said he was sorry for not getting back to me. He said he didn’t mean to ‘ghost’ me but he’d been really busy. He said he felt guilty about the whole situation and that he didn’t want to be a distraction for me while i have problems with Ben.. I mean me and Ben didn’t have a problem until i realised i liked Rob but whatever... totally fair enough though, shit place to be i guess no1 wants to be a bit on the side. We’ve agreed to stop talking so much and in that way and save our friendship. 

I’ve missed messaging him but he’s right, gives me space to think. 

On Wednesday (28th Feb) I didn’t go into uni because of the snow, i went to the wine tasting session at work, ended up absolutely battered and I don’t remember a thing. I woke up the next morning (my 25th birthday) hungover as hell. I’d cut my arms open, I’ve not self harmed in years but for some reason I brought back the bread knife. I set off to town to meet my parents for lunch at a fancy restaurant, still drunk most likely, felt like a scum bag! On my way there Ben called me, told me that the night before I had woken him up at about half 2 in the morning shaking and crying half dressed, told him i wanted to end my life. I have a very vague memory of that but pretty much everything about that night is missing from my memory. I’ve never thought in the past that I’m suicidal, and i still don’t think that I am, but i was in such a state had I have walked home alone who knows anything could have happened to me I’d never know :/ 

I went into work on Friday night, a guy i work with that had been there on Weds was in the pub drinking, near the end of my shift he told me that we had kissed. I have no recollection of that happening at all. I got in from work that night and as soon as i shut the front door I just burst into tears. I literally hate myself so much. I’m becoming someone I’m not and I don’t know what to do. Explains why I might have been so upset that night and decided to slice my arm open i suppose. 

Ben deserves someone so so much better than me! I’m a fucking nightmare and a total liability when I drink! Imagine waking up on your birthday 25 years old to realise that you’re hungover as hell, you’ve self harmed, something I thought i’d never do again and told your boyfriend that you want to kill yourself?! I’ve spent the last few days feeling SO low. I don’t think I’ve ever felt this low before. I really really do want to be happy, i need to stop binge drinking forever and stop self sabotaging! 

I just need to get through my degree for now and try and not do anything stupid.  

[lifemusings25-blog]

Update. 

I’m still feeling off with Ben. I still like Rob. 

When Rob was on holiday in Iceland we were messaging everyday, things got pretty intense, types of conversations i’ve never had before - of a sexual nature. 

I know it’s bad, i shouldn’t be messaging anyone like that while I’m with Ben but I literally couldn’t stop myself, it felt so exciting and I was starting to think maybe I should finish things with Ben and will have to figure out what to do with the house situation. I’m going down to London in a couple of weeks again to stay with Richard & Rob and was thinking if we’re talking like this maybe if I have too much to drink or whatever one night i won’t be able to restrain myself, i know what I can be like. 

HOWEVER!

Rob has for some reason just cut me off. Out of nowhere  he’s just stopped opening my messages. I asked him on Friday if everything was ok because he was less respondent and i wanted to check things weren’t weird considering the conversations we’d been having and after a couple of hours he did reply saying no it’s all cool, he’s just busy with work. So i replied again saying yeah that’s cool, no problem, if knew he was in York that day so said if he has a spare hour before his train i’m about in town. Today is Monday, he still hasn’t opened that message! :/ I sent him another message on whatsapp on Saturday night asking whats up and why am i being ignored? He’s not opened it. I can see he’s been online and I got Richard to dig and he’s opening his snaps and responding to him so I know his phone is in working order. It’s so frustrating, like if you don’t wanna talk to me at that intensity fine, i understand, it’s a messy situation I don’t blame him for not wanting to be involved but just fucking tell me that! Don’t just ignore me, we’ve been friends for years and he’s gonna have to see me when I go down in March because il be staying in his flat! 

I’m really anxious that all this lust has ruined our friendship and that makes me sad. As much as I love the flirtyness and not gonna lie i would like to have sex with him. I’d rather save our friendship. 

Ben & I are perhaps not good for more reason than me being distracted by Rob. 

I’m behind on uni work because i can’t stop thinking about it :( 

[lifemusings25-blog]

No-one i know in real life follows me on here so and i have no-one to talk to about a problem i’m having so i’m just gonna type it here. I have like 1 follower so no1 will read this anyways but that’s fine. Just need to get it out somewhere no1 i know will read.

I’ve been with my boyfriend 7 years, since we were 17 years old. We moved in together for the first time October just gone. I love him, he helps support me and constantly encourages me in everything i’m doing. What a dream right? Sounds pretty perfect, and it could be/ should be. 

SO WHYYYYY do I want to escape so bad? I spent last weekend in London with one of my best friends Richard because we went to see Paramore. One of his housemates also used to go to our school. The last night I was there I stayed in his room rather than Richards, which is like fine, we’re mates, i’ve stayed with him before. Last time i did, I did leave with a bit of a crush on him but after I got back it didn’t take long for me to get over it and continue with my life with Ben. This time, we were really flirty. Nothing happened but in the morning we had a lazy morning as it was Sunday, he stroked my hair, and teased me and even kissed my temple. I was SO turned on by it, to the point were I actually had to tell him because I could tell I was acting like a weirdo, he said he didn’t mean to turn me on until I told him I was turned on and he kept flirting. At this point I should have just got out of bed, gone to find Richard, got showered whatever... but i didn’t want to leave. Richard & I went for brunch later and I told him how I was feeling, the crush was back. Later we went back to the house and all made fajitas and I was cutting some veg and he came over and hugged me, and later when i was sat on the sofa he was being playful and kissed my temple again which took me by surprise just as much as the first time. 

On the train back to York, i thought I should message him and explain the pickle i’m in because I have a crush on him but he knows about Ben and he apologised and said he’s really sorry he shouldn’t have put me in that position but it’s not all his fault, takes 2 to tango or whatever. Now i just have this massive crush on him and i’m being off with Ben and he’s asking me whats wrong etc. I feel AWFUL if this was the other way round and Ben felt like this about another girl I’d be heartbroken but I can’t help it. I just want to run away, back to London. Rob probs doesn’t even like me like that, he probs thinks i’m bat shit crazy tbh but whatever the point is if i’m supposed to be in love with Ben why is it possible for me to feel these feelings for someone else? 

I’ve spoken to him everyday via snapchat since i’ve got back (It’s Friday today). He’s invited me down at the start of Feb cos he’s having a party for his birthday, I really want to go but if these feelings do subside in the meantime then come back again as soon as i see him il be annoyed but at the same time I just wanna see him again. I’m paying rent on this house with Ben until October. I’m considering moving to London to start my career after uni anyway but the fact that I have all these feelings at the moment make it seem a lot more appealing. But for as long as I’m in a relationship I can’t act on my feelings, as much as i want to.. Rob wouldn’t let me, knowing i’m in a relationship anyway I don’t think. He’s such a wonderful person and I don’t want this crush I have to ruin our friendship. I’ve not felt these sorts of butterfly feelings for SO long It’s such a nice feeling having a crush on someone, i feel giddy and excited when he messages me. 

I’m an awful human, Ben would be so upset if he knew how I was feeling but I can’t control it.  

Anyway I just needed to put that into the universe, I don’t know what i’m gonna do about it for the moment I just needed to get it out from swirling around my head, i feel properly mental. 

[lifemusings25-blog]

[lifemusings25-blog]

I’ve only owned a Fitbit for half a day so I’m gonna pretend i didn’t just eat an entire garlic flatbread to myself and officially start this journey tomorrow (right before Christmas because obvs that’s a great idea...) 

[lifemusings25-blog]

Day 1: About me

So I’ve decided to create a Tumblr for this journey in attempt to hold myself accountable and keep track of where I’m at. 

The last couple of years I’ve felt my self confidence disappear, I don’t look or feel the way I want to. I struggle with anxiety and I think part of my problem is I don’t particularly like myself, I’m hoping by becoming more physically fit I will also become more mentally fit. 

On this blog I aim to share my thoughts about how I’m feeling, share motivation and hopefully meet some people who are in a similar position. 

I’ve also bought a Fitbit so if anyone wants to connect on there that would be cool :)