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“Anxiety can just as well express itself by muteness as by a scream.”

—

Søren Kierkegaard

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Magic, Dream & Hope

When we were younger we believed in father Christmas, the Easter bunny, the tooth fairy, fairy tales and happily ever after’s, we believed that fairies lived in the woods and granted wishes and that gnomes came alive and played in the garden at night, some of us believed that our toys were real and also had imaginary friends, as children we grew up thinking that believing in something made it real even if we didn’t see it or it couldn’t be explained by logic or science, in fact our parents pushed us to believe and so as children we did.

Growing up that belief came with us only it changed from father Christmas and fairies to other things, as teenagers we believed the friends we make we would be friends with forever, we believed that we would get through school and achieve what we always dreamed of, we believed that doing stupid things was ok because we were only young and it wouldn’t affect us when we get older, we also believed we would live forever, that we were in fact indestructible.

As adults our beliefs came with us but changed again, this time we believe working as hard as we do has purpose, that we would finally get somewhere we have always wanted to be, we believe in facts and cold hard evidence,  we believe now that unless we see it, we don’t believe, however even with all the logical thinking  we also have moments where some strange belief creeps in, some that have no form of evidence or proof but yet we start to believe.

We have this thing that has always been there but actually grows more as an adult because over time it develops into something we all need,  as children it was called magic, as teenagers it was called dreams however as adults this is now called hope, we find ourselves believing that the person you love will love you back, that when you think you finally found the one that you will be together forever, you see a life you could only dream of and you believe that no matter what happens that one person will be there through all of it, you believed their promises, their so called love for you, that they will never leave and that you are perfect for them, you believe in your own happiness because that is they make you feel, you start to believe that soul mates and true love does in fact exist and you believe that beyond all evidence to the contrary and all the warnings that were given that happily ever after can and does exist.

The inner child in you is sitting happily in the corner picking out your princess wedding dress and thinking everything is amazing and magical, I mean she knew that soul mates existed and that true love always happens!  That’s what fairy tales are, the teenager….. Well she’s just sulking and sayings it’s stupid and isn’t really interested, usually their hearts are made of stone with a general “who cares” attitude, but the adult part of you is wary and also has this sense of “something bad is going to happen and if it does what the hell do I do?” but the child part is so happy that how can you not feel what they feel? You are in love aren’t you? Isn’t this what you always wanted, a fairy tale prince and a happily ever after. The story of how it came about it something for you to write about, how can anything go wrong? And honestly how can you not believe?

The thing with belief is that is a state of mind, some people lose it all together, some keep it with blind faith while others try and hold onto it for dear life, afraid of losing it. The only thing with holding onto something because you are fearful of what will happen if you let go, is that you find yourself holding onto something that doesn’t actually exist.  The dreams you have are not real, and in all fairness you know that one day that illusion will shatter, because you realise that there is only so many times that you can handle your feelings not being reciprocated by another, the rejection and embarrassment of once again giving your heart and soul to someone for it only to be thrown aside like rubbish, that eventually all your own self-worth and self-confidence gets broken, it happens little by little at first so much so you don’t even realise the small chips and dints, but these get bigger until the final strike completes the beautiful disaster that has become your life, I believe this is where the saying “soul shattering” comes from.  

You realise that person you were is no longer there, you changed so much whilst holding onto something that never really existed, that blind faith that you persevered with, all that hope you had, all that you felt is gone now, but you notice that there is still one tiny string of hope and belief there, so tiny it’s hard to see, but it’s there simmering away because you have to hold onto something, because anything is better than the harsh reality that you are in fact not worthy, but that string it will eventually snap and you will be left with nothing.  

When that happens all of a sudden it’s like your whole world just stops, the pain is unimaginable and you just can’t process what this is that you are feeling, people ask but you can’t describe it, all the magic, hope and believing in a wonderful life vanishes in the blink of an eye. The adult brain thinks logically and starts to find a reason for why this has happened, they work out how they can cope with it, they try to deal with the pain so they demand answers so they can process the loss, they talk it out and get on with it, however this is sometimes over powered by the teenager side of us, they shout and vent, they blame and hate and become vengeful, there is no reasoning with this side but in a way that amount of rage and unfairness they see in the situation makes you feel better especially when the anger over powers the love you felt for that person that completely destroyed you, it becomes more manageable and makes the adult cope a little easier, the anger gives them purpose.

But soon the child steps in and no amount of logic or anger can help and when you see them so broken and hurt you realise there is nothing you can do to ease it. You see them so confused and vulnerable, they are innocent in all of this, they don’t know what’s happened, so they cry and beg for some form of understanding, they plead and the heart breaking screams that they voice along with the silent tears that follow is impossible to watch, The constant question of “why?” is asked over and over again because they just don’t understand what went wrong, Their whole world has shattered, their prince charming has ran off and left them alone to fend for themselves in the woods, they are in complete darkness, the magic has gone, and that happiness and excitement they felt has vanished.

You see their heart and soul break right in front of you as they realise that love can be taken from them without reason or an explanation and the only person you think is to blame is yourself, there must be something wrong with you for them to not love you as you love them, they don’t understand that sometimes even with all the magic in the world nothing can bring them back or make them feel what you do, nothing can make them love you, but the child doesn’t understand and how could they?  All they know is the person they love is gone, they have been abandoned and left all alone and that they are not loved or wanted, They don’t understand why the fairies can’t make this better, why a simple wish can fix it, how can you explain that sometimes the person you thought was prince charming was just a wolf in disguise?  How do you explain to someone who has the ability to see the beauty in everything that sometimes the world is a dark and horrible place, you protected them from this for so long and when they realise all of these things you are powerless to do anything but watch who they are get completely destroyed.

That hope and belief you had is because of that child and now it’s has finally gone, she’s sat in a corner silently crying looking so lost and she’s starting to fade, the teenager has walked off plotting revenge somewhere but she’s left you to deal with this alone, but as the adult you haven’t got a clue what to do next so you just sit there with your head in your hands and you slowly shut down. You go through every emotion, you feel everything till eventually you have nothing left and you just sit there feeling empty. You can no longer feel angry or sad, you no longer cry, the hope you once had is dead and buried, the trust and faith has gone, you can’t even comfort the broken child because you have nothing left to give and in all honesty how can you tell her that things will get better when you now are unable to believe?

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Purple Buddha Project Insta

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If you’re a writeblr, please reblog this! I’m looking for more people to follow <3

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“I don’t forgive people because I’m weak, I forgive them because I am strong enough to know people make mistakes.”

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Marilyn Monroe

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Words are singularly the most powerful force available to humanity. We can choose to use this force constructively with words of encouragement, or destructively using words of despair. Words have energy and power with the ability to help, to heal, to hinder, to hurt, to harm, to humiliate and to humble.

Yehuda Berg

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Fight The Demons

The Tears that flow from words of spite A darkness that smothers and never brings light A hope that fades and gets buried down deep The demon brings fire and haunts as you sleep The nightmares it brings are full of pure dread You wake up some mornings just wishing you were dead

The venom it spits seeps deep to your heart It burns like a poison that tears you apart Your heartbreak it sees but laughs at your pain It enjoys it you see, as it knows you been slain

You look in the mirror and stare with confusion Thinking what you now see is just an illusion Your eyes that once glistened are now empty and hollow Your face now shows nothing but heart break and sorrow

You question yourself asking “what have I done?” You used to have strength but now you have none Your battered and bruised but no one will know As the damage inside will never be shown Its a secret you hide and never will share It’s made you believe that no one will care It makes you believe that you are to blame That you are the problem and the one that brings shame

You start to believe that one day it’ll change But a demon is evil and nothing but strange It’s soulless and heartless and brings nothing but pain It plays on your fears and will drive you insane

Now do me a favour and hold your head high Remember that demons do nothing but lie This battle you’re facing you can do it alone But help if you need it, is at the end of the phone It may just take the strength you have left To ask for the help to clear up this mess It wasn’t your fault you were tricked and was played You were fighting a battle with the wrong end of a blade It cut you so deep that you thought it had won You noticed your pain was its type of fun It thought it could beat you and knock you down far But your strength will blossom where ever you are

Demons are cowards and scared of the light So show that creature that you are up for a fight You want your freedom and a mind of your own You don’t deserve to be so sad and alone The pain it has caused has made you so strong You now can see what it said was just wrong

It’s time to fight back and take what is yours There’s no need for crying alone on the floor I promise you this there is nothing to fear Once you have fought everything will seem clear The freedom you’ll feel is like a breath of fresh air You notice you’re cleansed of all that despair

Now say to yourself “ I know I’ll be fine” And smile at the light that has started to shine.

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She did not want to be saved, is that possible to imagine? That for once she didn’t need a super hero to rescue her from the darkness that took over her soul. No, she did not need saving, all she needed was to be found and for the patience and strength for her to save herself

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September Writing Challenge

As I could not find a September Writing/Prompt Challenge I decided to make my own! Below are 30 words to be used as prompts. They can be used in ANY way. Think outside the box or do exactly as it says on the tin. What you write can be any length, have any characters. 

Anyone else who decides to give it a go, can you let me know! I’d love to follow all your work :) #septemberwritingchallenge

1. Sun 2. Rain 3. Anniversary 4. Lies 5. Dance 6. Pink 7. Swimming 8. Cat 9. Footsteps 10. Thunder 11. Apples 12. Ink 13. Trees 14. Holiday 15. Glass 16. Sheep 17. Books 18. Heartache 19. Castle 20. Cake 21. Ice 22. Boat 23. Blue 24. Field 25. Run 26. Bench 27. Hunger 28. Whisper 29. Cage 30. Passenger

So, I am going to crack on with the first one now! Hopefully this gets the creative juices flowing again!

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“What you think of yourself is much more important than what others think of you.”

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Seneca

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“May this suffering serve to awaken compassion.”

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Tara Brach

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“My suggestion to anyone who is creative is: never hold back.” — Bill Cunningham (thanks to @hothanjama_ for this photo!) #billcunningham #bookstagram #memoir

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just when i said i wanted a Soft™ character… smh 

tag list (pls send me an ask to be added/removed): @nerocael @nepeinthe @hazeywrites @saavethebees @velvet-moss @delphwrites @damnwrites @ivonoris @babylonnes @writersloth @pearl-writes @lefttowritee @the-ichor-of-ruination @writevevo @ririwills @mywritinghere@penumbvra @priyaele xx

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I believe that imagination is stronger than knowledge.

Unknown

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What would you do if you were me?

What would you do if you were me? That’s a question I have asked but always get different answers. I think they honestly miss the actual question being asked, because people are fully capable of giving their opinions to what they think they would do. But that’s the thing, it’s what THEY would do, not you. It’s like they have completely misunderstood the question. They see 1 side, they react as if it was them, but if they were you would they really do what they are telling you to do? It’s always easier giving advice to situation that you don’t have to live through, you see the obvious course of action but is it really the easiest? For them maybe it’s clear as day, but for you it’s not just black and white, it’s black and white but also every shade of grey and in between them there are multicolours that you can’t explain. You see the problem is, no one is you, so how can you even ask that question and expect an answer or some advice that you can hand on heart actually follow? So again I ask the question, “What would you do if you were me?” And now really think about it, If you had the same personality, same mental defects and personal issues, the same history and life story, the same feelings and emotions, the same temperament, the same knowledge of the situation, the full unedited version of the story and the true knowing of the other people involved, now take a step back and then be honest with yourself, would you really keep to the same opinion you were giving or would it change?  Would you be more hopeful, more optimistic, maybe you realise you are more accepting of the other person’s failings or idiotic unforgivable behaviour? The chances you keep telling that person to stop giving, you realise you would actually give more. Those words you are telling that person to say you realise you could never say in a million years. Now do you see the problem? Now you can understand that this is the exact situation I am currently in; I have heard every side to each argument, I have heard every opinion and bit of advice you could possibly think of, I have heard the blunt pessimistic views of people playing the devil’s advocate, I have heard the views of people saying what they think the other person truly feels and why they are doing what they are doing, I have had the middle ground where although mainly negative the person sees both sides and tries to not tell you the right thing to do because of the fear that they might actually be wrong, and then you get the optimistic views, these are sometimes the worst views to get, you know the ones where they fully believe that the universe works in amazing unexplained ways, that everyone meets for a reason, connections and souls exist, and that everything works out exactly how it should,  and finally because they have seen it they know it will work out in the most beautiful way possible, and that’s because they have that gut feeling as if they just know, you see now why sometimes this is the one view you really don’t want to hear? The most useful ones however is when you get the viewpoints of people who know what it’s like for the other person so can sometimes excuse and also explain some of the actions performed by that person, However annoying it is because you genuinely would rather think the other person is a heartless robot with an emotional range of a tea spoon, the point is you start to see the bigger picture, you know the one you would rather pretend didn’t exist?  Yeah that one! And when you start to see that, then you start to think that maybe the other person is suffering too, just not in the same way you are. And that’s when it hits you, because this is the same situation you are in, when you are telling people they are not you so how can they tell you what to do, you realise that you are not them either, so how can you judge them or tell them how they should handle a situation? It’s a complicated process to understand, everyone handles things differently, everyone sees things differently, and everyone processes or handles certain events or hardships differently. We are not the same, and whereas you might be able to deal with a certain difficulty with great ease or very little pain, another person might see this as a final straw, they snap, they break and they run for the hills. They cannot cope with things the same as you, instead they run, they face what most people refer to as the fight or flight instinct. We all have it, and in each given event in our lives, every hard battle we face these instincts and we end up doing one of them…….Do we fight or take flight? Most people are not strong enough depending on the previous life experiences, mental state or issues, and when things start feeling like too much, they feel trapped, pressured and like they can’t breathe, even thinking about it gives you an urge to just run. Most people fight when this happens, but for others the flight instinct is much greater than the need or want to fight and so they give in. They don’t take stock of how their rash course of action is, they don’t realise how this has affected others involved, all they see is for them, they are out of the situation, they are away from the scariness that is life, and for a short time they don’t need to think about anything. They feel the freedom, they can finally breathe. The only problem with this is while most of us would have fought this by now, the flight people, the things they ran from slowly become to catch up with them. It starts with reminders which feed into their dreams, they realise they aren’t eating or sleeping, they become tense without really noticing why, they become irritable, clumsy, scattered and unable to fully process what they think or feel.  So they start to shut down even more, they do things to help blank everything out, they drink, they cut the reminders out of their lives, they isolate themselves, they avoid certain things and eventually they become void as they mentally shut down, and they do this just to get some peace of mind. But those problems they are hiding from get stronger until they are staring at them straight in the face giving them no other option but to stand up and deal with them. All those emotions they have kept buried inside resurface, all that fear raises its ugly head and they are back to where they started, only this time they are so far from reality and they have hurt so many people in the process of running that they are now alone to fight their own demons, and they finally realise their mistake, but is it really too late to make amends? I am a fighter, I always have been, occasionally I have run from things that get too much and I want to hide from what’s inside my head, I isolate myself completely and for a moment be just me, and not have to deal with anyone or anything, to not have to deal with other peoples issues and problems, and just be completely alone. I know the feeling of that freedom, but I also know what it’s like when everything finally catches up to you. So another question I ask myself, if I was them, the runners of the world, if I was truly them with all the same issues, traits and emotions and serious problems, and went through the same things they did, would I of done it differently? Could I honestly blame that person for dealing with their situation the way they have done? Or could I understand that for them, this was all they knew how to do. They are not me, so how can I judge? Would I want someone to judge me for doing something that no one could possibly understand?  Or would I expect people to understand my sudden rash decision, to understand why I reacted the way I did, to support me in my decisions regardless of whether they are wrong and can be hurtful to others? I think I would want to be able to have the choice to make that mistake, to handle a situation in the wrong way but what felt right at the time, to be scared of everything and for just a moment to be truly free of feeling or worrying about the realities and responsibilities of my life, to be truly selfish in my approach and to just think about myself, to shut off from the world and just not have to think until I am ready, and I hope that when all is said and done that the people around me who love me the most, that they would know me well enough that when I finally come back and realise what I did, that they will still be there and could be forgiving. They may not understand, but they know that I did what I had too for me and if they were me in that situation that they would probably do the same.  So I will ask you the same question again…… what would you do if you were me?