midnightskyletters

[midnightskyletters]

PRISON

Every day I feel more trapped than ever.

I feel like this is the same never-ending day, with the same outcome and the same problem. 

It doesn’t seem like anything is moving in the way it should and everything stops or is in slow motion.

I see myself withering away like a flame being burned out slowly by slowly, each drop of wax confirming I’m just ready to vanish as if I were a moment just passing by in a second instead of a lifetime.

My captor plays mind games where everything is a thumb-wrestle match except each of my bone is currently crushed by the weigh of someone who’s trying to win a war even after I caved in and forfeited. 

I wish laws would help you in that sort of situation, but my prison is contractually binding me. I’m a prison in my own home. I keep screaming for help but nobody listens and it feels like screaming and drowning at the same time. I think of better times ahead to come, trying to comfort myself by thinking I’m stronger than this and I can do this and I can survive anything.

But it feels more and more like slow torture. Like someone is enjoying planting toothpicks under my nails and trying to infiltrate my blood vessels.

I’m emotionally damaged right now, I can’t think straight.

I want to eat but I also want to puke, so I don’t eat and don’t puke.

I want to sleep but my nightmares keep me awake.

As days grow shorter in time, they seem longer to me.

If I were in a prison of my own mind, I would be able to save myself by the strength of my will, or so I like to think.

But right now, my prison is 4 walls and the person living opposite me, keeping me tied down while he stomps on my mental health, pushing me to the extreme.

I just have to remember that I can’t let him win. And playing dead isn’t giving in, it’s just survival until I can rise from my ashes.

[midnightskyletters]

D-4 (or known as the day after)

Dear reader,

If there’s one thing I’ve learnt over the past decade, it’s that you should never be afraid to ask for what you want and deserve, and that if you don’t get it, it’s not the end of the world.

Obviously things yesterday didn’t go as I’d hoped they would. But it’s fine. I’m fine. And that’s all that matters.

My autobiography should be called “So it didn’t go as planned, now what ?”.

I use self deprecation and derision to hide my insecurities and pain, but that’s mostly due to growing with an emotionally unavailable father.

It will always stink saying to someone how you care about them and want it to be more cause you know you’d be perfect for each other, but the other person doesn’t return the love. 

In that situation, no one’s to blame. Not me. Not him. No one. Just circumstances and feelings.  You can’t control feelings you have or don’t have towards somebody and at the very best, most precious moment, we are still best friends and that’s fine. That’s enough. I’d rather have him in my life than pretend he doesn’t exist or that I’m too hurt and wild to be mature about this.

What you have to know, dear reader, is that I haven’t always been this cool and composed after getting rejected. Never one of those extreme person you see on trash tv, but more like, I did not become an emotional wreck or engaged in self destructive behaviours.

You see, I’ve always had the habit of doing either when this didn’t go my way. Often resulting in me getting more hurt and getting more upset and lost. Except this time I felt I handled this like a pro. And you know what’s that ? Fucking. Growth. And. We. Stan.

Feelings aren’t something you control or have a power on, it’s something that’s in your soul and that is like an entity of its own. Sometimes you don’t realise it’s there until it is. Sometimes it feels like a thousand elephant stomping on your heart. Even better, sometimes it’s just small butterflies making you feel happy. It all depends on the perception you have of it.

For my part, it went from butterflies to elephants to a goldfish who just swims around in circle.

If it wasn’t meant to be then it wasn’t meant to be.

I used to be able to see my future with him and it looked bright and nice. It still does to be fair. But now the lights are dimmed a little and it’s just a glimpse of what could be instead of a whole picture movie.

Some people like to plan their whole lives ahead, it gives them a sense of security and familiarity, whereas I’m more of a free spirit.  But that doesn’t mean that I don’t get hurt or annoyed if something happens that’s not part of the plan. Like someone turning down my feelings for them.

Now when I picture my future, it’s not him I see anymore in it. It’s just a shadow standing there, waiting to be told what to do and where to go.

My plan is to fall in love, madly, and just feel like the whole world stopped turning and that time is frozen still. I want to fall in love and visit places and make lots of memories.

One of the dreams/fantasy I have, is being in Paris, renting this cute quaint little apartment in the 5th arrondissement, and waking up early cause I have trouble sleeping. I’d go down to a little cafe down the flat, and I’d sit there reading, overlooking a big market with lots of people coming in to get their daily fresh products. I’d sit there with a coffee on the table, a croissant and a pain au chocolat on a plate next to it. I’d have my sunglasses on cause the sun would be starting to hit the borough’s square, and I’d either be writing on my laptop or reading a book. I’d feel infinite with everybody around, the sounds of road traffic, market merchants and of course, the smell coming from restaurants getting fresh products to cook with and serve that night. Then I’d get a text saying”where are you ? oh you’re down there ? I’ll meet you there in 10mn”, and as he’d walk towards me, it’d be like a movie in slow motion. Taylor Swift - Begin Again is playing and I can feel and hear and smell every single thing from that street, and it’s the most amazing smell in the world. It smells of life (albeit a couple times where fish smelled stronger than my good deed). There I see him. Coming towards me, beautiful as ever, giving me a small kiss on the forehead and then going to get his coffee. And I’m smiling like an idiot.

My other fantasy would be spending Christmas in NYC and go see the big Christmas tree. It’s silly, but Christmas is my favourite day of the year. For me to spend it far away from family would be an achievement on its own, but I would get to share that moment with the one person I want to the most.

Then I open my eyes and I realise that it’s all just daydreaming with eyes closed. 

When I came out with how I felt, I wanted to protect myself and run away right this instant. But sometimes you gotta rip the bandaid for the wound to heal more clearer.

Dear readers, 

I may not have this man, but I’m still pursuing the man of my dreams. Let’s just hope he exists. So keep your fingers crossed.

[midnightskyletters]

D-6

It's not even midnight and I can hear the crickets from the playfield outside. I have put some chilled music on, these days it’s a lot of soothing anime music, cause they make me feel at peace.

I stare at the road down from my window and I see a lot of cars pass by. Sometimes, I like to imagine what their lives are like, where are they going, what are they doing. You see, my mind is Hollywood. I could write a thousand stories about every single car and still come up with new ones.

My favourite story to imagine is the one of a lover rushing to get to the love of their life. The lovers on a run. The lovers who are being spontaneous. Those who are coming back from their first date. Those who are going on their first night of sex together. Those who will have their last night of sex together. But most importantly, those who love.

I’m a hopeless romantic. I’ve spent all my life yearning for a love that would be my fairy tale ending, my story, one where I’d be the main character. But it seems I got stuck with either the best friend or the guy who is nice and that would be good for you but you don’t see him that way. It’s a curse. 

In all my chase of happiness through someone else, sometimes I forgot myself. I forgot who I was, what I stood for, what my ambitions were, and I’ve allowed someone to make me feel guilty for being myself. Important thing is, I’ve outgrown that part of me and now I know not to make the same mistakes (but I did them 3-4 times before just to make sure, wink wink).

As I’m now nearing the end of a decade, I can say I feel like emotionally, I’ve lived through it all. Diseases of relatives, depression, moving, facing my own insecurities and issues, a pandemic, and you know what ? I fucking survived it. It might not be a lot for some, but for someone who always thought he would never make it past 27, let me tell you, every day is a win.

There’s a quote that says “I love you today more than yesterday but less than tomorrow”, and I think that also applies to self love. I love myself (more or less) today, but not enough for tomorrow yet better than I did yesterday.

Getting through the past 10 years, I reflect a lot on myself and what have I achieved so far.  I’ve done a lot for someone my age. Maybe more than I wish I had sometimes, but that's what makes me who I am today. I entered my 20′s afraid, scared, very homophobic towards myself. I’m a proud and loud out gay man, and have been out since I was 19 but it’s only after turning 25 that I started really accepting myself for who I was. 

You see, it’s easy to love others for what you lack. But it’s harder to love yourself when you’re as flawed as I am. I see in others what I don’t see in me.

I missed so many occasions and opportunities just because I was too afraid to go for it, and a decade has passed, and every time I kept thinking “I’ll do it tomorrow” or “I’ll try later”, I should have acted on it, cause now I feel like I’ve lost on years of what could have been. 

Instead, now, I’ve decided to enter that new era with arms wide open and no regrets. 

Why Midnight Sky Letters ? It’s cause it’s when I’m the most productive, creative, and the most at peace with my thoughts. When the calm cool air of the night brushes my cheeks, and I’m sat at my laptop, overlooking the city at my desk, and I’m sat giving life to stories in whichever form I can. I feel like I need someone to talk to and everyone will hear you but not many people will listen, so writing to strangers on the internet is the healthiest way to cope. I want to keep writing about my feelings, and everything that’s going on so I can exorcise it out of my body. I will need to keep this on track.

I’m shaking as I’m writing this and will probably spend tomorrow dreading it but sometimes you have to force yourself into uncomfortable positions to make the best out of it.

So I’m doing it.

There is this guy I really like, and have for the past 2 years, but I never saw it going anywhere at first. It was just a fantasy. We decided to stay friends after he turned my date down cause he said he didn’t want to ruin our friendship.  I’m not saying I want to ruin it now, I’m just saying that I know we’re strong enough as friends and as people to actually make it through whatever the outcome is. He’s the first person I can see myself build a life with.  It’s crazy isn’t it ?  I have a clear plan of what I want my life to be, and for the first time in a long time, someone fits in it again. We are so perfect for each other, completely in sync, and most importantly, we understand each other. We’re soulmates we once joked but... I didn’t mean it as a joke. And neither did he I think. He’s my soulmate, my best friend, my confident, my therapist sometimes and even my doctor calculating my caffeine intake, but all of the time, he’s the one person I want to talk to. I know it might be a long shot, but who knows.

Why should I do it ?

PROS: we get together, we keep getting on so well together, we start building a life together, we grow old, get a house, get a dog, get kids, and I can see myself reciting emo lyrics to him when we’re all older and reminiscing about our youths and all those gigs and adventures we went on.

CON: he decides we should remain best friends (hopefully) but it’s a little weird and we drift apart.

That would be my worst nightmare really. I’d rather have him as a friend than not at all in my life. I’ve lost too many people already. I don’t want to lose him. But I also need to know if I’m holding on to hope like a beaver to a twig and it’s strong enough to pull me out the river and onto the dam or if I should just give up with him and start maybe making the plan happen by myself and hope someone will come along the way, someone who will make me feel the same way he does.

I’ve made my decision. 

Dear whoever’s reading this, please keep your fingers crossed.

Tomorrow, I’m telling my best friend that I’m in love with him.

I will leave you on a quote from one of my favourite songs ever (in general and by Taylor Swift):

“I don't wanna look at anything else now that I saw you (I can never look away) I don't wanna think of anything else now that I thought of you (Things will never be the same) I've been sleeping so long in a twenty-year dark night (Now I'm wide awake) And now I see daylight”

Here’s to hoping !