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A MID YEAR ACKNOWLEDGMENT

Yes, I know, it has been a while and it is now nearly the end of August. Not exactly what people see as “mid-year” as it is just days away from what we call in the Philippines as “-ber months”, but you get my point, right?

Anyway, 2018 has proved to be quite a journey. I am now done with my internship, I passed all of my subjects and I am officially a graduate of Medical Laboratory Science! Although I still won’t be taking the upcoming September Licensure exams as I feel I am still not ready. I don’t think anyone ever really is, to be honest. 

Nowadays, I am faced with quite a few months before review actually starts. I know I should already start revising, but it’s just not in my system yet. I really am one those procrastinators who will not move if the pressure is not suffocating enough.Maybe it’s because I feel that I deserve this break. You see, for the past thirteen months, all I did was study, drink some coffee, go to duty, sleep for a few hours if possible and the cycle repeats itself. It’s not healthy, but unbelievably I got through. 

It has indeed been a wild ride, and although I cried, I suffered and I felt like giving up for the most part, I still enjoyed every bit of the past months and I know I would not have it any other way. 

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5 Things I will focus on this 2018

January is almost halfway done and here I am still talking about resolutions. Well, a jam-packed start of the year is a good start, am I right? 

Looking back, my 2017 had been a challenge. It was filled with numerous cups of brewed coffee, and failed attempts at saving some cash but it significantly lacks toxic people and sleeping time. I’m not sure if the last bit is a blessing or a curse, tho. We’ll get to that later.

1. MENTAL HEALTH

This is of course the first thing on my list, because I tend to prefer to suffer on my own. I know that’s a dark thought, but I wish to change that this year. I will let things out, I won’t hold back any anger or frustration that I have. Because there are times when I have a ton of words in my head, but I just can’t seem to express it as how I would like to when it’s my time to speak up. And also, I’m a firm advocate of talking to anyone, even a random stranger in times when everything is getting just a little too much. I’m not going to lie, but during hard times, I do sometimes open chat forums to just talk to the decent people about how my day went. Although this year, I want to talk to people that I know personally. 

2. ACADEMICS

The past semester was probably the hardest that I ever put myself into studying. I brought these huge ass books to school almost every day just to get ahead on some reading, I made notes for myself which I also shared with my whole class. Aside from going to the classes that my doctor professor holds, I also take online classes as supplementary and reinforcement lectures because our exams tend to be really advanced from what we learn in class. All these led to me lacking hours of sleep every single day, but it did get me good grades. 

This semester, aside from my internship, I only have one class, which is sort of like a review for our Board Exams, so all of the subjects that are part of the board exam will be tackled for this sem, which is a lot. So, I probably have to study after writing this. 

3. SKIN CARE and WELLNESS

Like most people, stress breaks me out. My skin has been acting out last year because of all the stress that I put myself through, but now I promise to take some time off to just rest and relax. I know it’s going to get really pressuring at times, especially now that I go to duty at the laboratory and then go to school a few hours later for a lecture or an exam. So for the first part of this month, I practically hoarded a ton of skincare products. Don’t worry, it’s a reasonable amount and only for the necessary stuff. I’ll probably post about a skincare routine soon, so look out for that!

For over-all health and wellness, I am now practicing the habit of bringing my lunch or dinner to duty or school. Not only does it help me save up, but it also keeps me from eating all the greasy fast foods that I want to reserve as my comfort and cheat day meals. Also, I’m already doing a good job of not drinking a ton of carbonated drinks. Wish me luck!

4. RELATIONSHIPS

This does not have to be in the romantic sense, because I really do not have any time for that these days. I just want 2018 to be filled with good memories with good people, old and new. 

5. BLOG

My goal for this blog is to not go more that three weeks without posting. I mean I can update twitter in a jiffy, but there’s something more personal and in depth with writing a whole blog post rather than just tweeting about it even if there is a revamped character limit there now. 

So that’s it! It may not be much to some, but I sure look like I have my work cut out for me. 

2018, we’ll see how this goes. 

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An in-depth but unorganized review of Star Wars Ep.VIII: The Last Jedi

I don’t really do movie reviews, but for Star Wars Episode VIII: The Last Jedi, I’m willing to do it (and because most of the people I know haven’t seen it yet, I need to let things out!) So, if you haven’t seen the movie yet and are planning to watch it soon, please don’t read this. Do yourself a favor, and don’t spoil yourself.

To set things going, I just want you to know that I love Star Wars. As a kid, I grew up being only aware of the Star Wars franchise. I knew about lightsabers, Darth Vader, Jedi, Sith, and I even knew about the Millennium Falcon considering I haven’t watched any of the movies before! This just says how big the Star Wars influence is. But what set things in stone for me was actually watching the original trilogy marathon on TV out of boredom. This was uncanny of me, as at that age I was more obsessed with fairies and princesses in ball gowns. Then I got to know our beloved heroes, Luke, Han and Leia and I went out a fan, and here I am now. 

I watched the movie on the second day of release, which is the 14th of December here in the Philippines. In fact, at first, I was the only girl to enter the cinema during the first screening of that day. There were like 7 guys already inside and I just knew they’ve been waiting to watch this movie for two years as I have. 

So to get on with the movie review, I generally liked it, but all in all I don’t know what to feel about it. I guess writing about it will help me in weighing everything down.

On-Screen

I feel that instead of answering questions, the movie just raised a shit ton of them. Don’t get me wrong, I liked it in its cinematic sense. I was in awe of how Rian Johnson visualized everything. It is very unlike how JJ Abrams based VII on the previous movies, Johnson really brings new things to the plate. He is very creative and you can really see that in the film. There was a part with Rey seeing multiple reflections of herself during her time in Ahch To, Luke didn’t want her to do that and in the end she just ends up crying. I do understand that it was important to paint Rey in a more vulnerable light compared to her Mary Sue-ness in EpVII, but I just thought it was unnecessary to have the multiple Reys on screen no matter how cool it looked. 

The hyperspeed kamikazee of Amilyn Holdo played by Laura Dern was breath taking. The cinema just completely fell silent and it was so cool I had chills down both my arms. Can I just acknowledge Disney for adding these amazing women to the cast. This was a brilliant move Disney, and also the casting directors.  And, by the way, the “connection” scenes between Rey and Kylo Ren were well executed, in my opinion.

And I really liked how humorous the movie turned out, I was surprised I genuinely laughed which didn’t happen in the Prequels (We get it Anakin, you don’t like sand.) Oscar Isaac/Poe Dameron and Domhnall Gleeson/General Armitage Hux were great and funny whenever they were on-screen. They worked the same way as Chewie, the Porgs and those nuns/caretakers in Ahch To.  I guess it’s safe to say, they kept boredom at bay. 

WAIT, WHAT?

Moving on to the confusing parts, I just don’t get why they didn’t kill Leia off in her swooping in like Peter Pan scene, considering what has happened in real life. They are really making it hard for them to do IX with Carrie gone but it supposedly being her movie (Ep VII was Han’s, and VIII was Luke’s). I guess we’ll just see how that goes and hopefully make Carrie Fisher lovingly raise her middle finger like a salute at us from her pool of moonlight.

I don’t get why they killed off potentially amazing characters. Phasma for one and why the hell did Snoke die that easily? For a powerful, ancient character, he was just like a rag doll that was a throw away. The movie lost the opportunity of expanding their plot by killing off Snoke. I guess Kylo is his own villain now, assuming that he still has light in him after being rejected by Rey like that. 

To top it all off: Rose Tico and Finn? Really? I didn’t even see them lock eyes for more than a minute. (Stormpilot and Reylo for the win) 

Goodbye, Luke

I really appreciate how Luke died. I’m sad that he’s dead, but in his words “No one is ever truly gone” which popped up in a conversation with Leia regarding Ben/Kylo, but can be applied to Han, himself and even our dear Princess Carrie Fisher.  Force projecting himself into the Resistance base in Crait to face Kylo in what I see as his best Kylo-Tantrum ever was awesome. 

On as side note, Adam Driver was amazing in VII and he’s even better (and shirtless, but that’s not the point) here in VIII. I can’t wait to see him star in more movies. He killed it this time.

Moving back, if you were looking properly, you would really see that something was off with Luke. He has his lightsaber, completely unscratched (which was the one Kylo and Rey broke in half back in Snoke’s ship) and he didn’t leave any footprints when he walked out of the base. I mean there was a reason they gave screen time to the Resistance man’s red footprint on the planet’s salt surface. Anyway, Jedi master as he was, Luke died out of what I believe is exhaustion in Ahch To, looking at what seemed as two suns setting, which was a great homage to his time in Tatooine. I won’t lie, I had actual tears in my eyes during this time. But what I thought when I saw this was, IS AHCH TO IN THE SAME SYSTEM AS TATOOINE? I know it’s irrelevant now, but I just want to know considering I don’t see any maps with Ahch To on it. And just so you know, I really am bothered by it.

Anyway, I understand why Luke had to die. In the future movies, we just can’t keep coming back to the Skywalker bloodline. The Jedi and most importantly the Skywalkers are not the sole wielders of the force as there are a lot of force sensitive beings and the force is in everyone and everything. What they are saying here is anyone can be special and I really like that. And I really like how the force kind of chooses people who don’t have anyone or anything else but have ambition and longing to make a difference. 

Other than that, I have high hopes that we’ll be seeing Luke again pretty soon. It will be a welcome sight just like how puppet Yoda popped in here in VIII. It was pretty funny and nostalgic.

Suddenly weaker?

The Force likes to keep things in balance. That’s why in the height of Kylo’s power, the force sent Rey to be his equal at the time, which explains her being able to do all those amazing stuff in VII. But here in VIII, we don’t see Kylo Ren and Rey do a lot of cool tricks, basically because I think the force is making sure that when Luke has to do what he has to do, he has enough power to tap into the force for that force projection, despite it ultimately feeding off of his life in the end. Well, that’s what I think the reason is. 

A New Hope

If you jumped out of your seat when that orphaned kid seemingly summoned that broom to his hand back in Canto Bight (You know, that boring casino world in the middle of the movie where they got Benicio del Toro’s code-breaker character “DJ” (which stands for “Don’t Join”, apparently) to hack into Snoke’s flagship, Supremacy. Yes, THAT.) You are not alone. I literally squeaked when I saw that, and then I was completely in awe when he raised that broom forming the silhouette of a Jedi wielding a lightsaber as he stares out into the cosmos. I will never forget that scene. Never. 

For me, it just symbolizes everything that the Force and Star Wars stands for, which is POTENTIAL. Just about anybody, even if you’re a nobody at that, YOU have the potential to change the universe and the worlds beyond. 

And because Rey is not a Jedi yet, but Luke hinted that he’s not going to be the last Jedi, seems to say that she has the potential to be one and Luke definitely has faith in her. Maybe once she gets to build another lightsaber from Luke/Anakin’s kyber crystal inside the broken shaft of the lightsaber that she and Kylo Ren broke in that tug of war. 

Oh and did you also get why Yoda burnt that old tree just to set Luke free from all his doubts? You know, when Yoda talked about how there is nothing in those books that Rey does not already have. It’s because Rey took the ancient Jedi texts. She stored it in a compartment inside the Millennium Falcon and we got to see it via Finn near the end. Good job, Rey! This is just more proof that hope is never really gone.

RATING

4 out of five stars!!

Reading everything that I have written, I do like the movie. I find it creatively amazing, despite having plot holes (I believe there’s a lot more than what I have listed above). I’d like to think that the creators have provided themselves with an almost clean slate to work on IX and also having the chance to input more stories into the Star Wars franchise. I mean, who knows, maybe some of the legends may become canon soon. 

We’ll see. 

[nicaffeinated]

I’ll be starting my internship soon, and I am terrified.

I’m not exactly book smart or even skill smart. I’m quite a mixture of both if I may say so myself, but despite countless reassurance and advice from friends, family and even my instructors, I can’t seem to shake this fear.

I’m afraid of change. There I said it. 

I don’t know why exactly. I’m scared of going through doors to get to something unknown to me. I guess I’m just a sucker to sticking to my routines even if I always complain of them being boring. 

Don’t get me wrong, I’m excited that I’ll get to be immersed into the field that I’ve been learning about these past three and a half years, but the fear just takes the spotlight now that we’ll start going to duty in a week’s time. This ambivalence is driving me crazy because I know that I should be happy about it. Not a lot of my classmates passed and I’m one of the select few who got into the internship program. 

I guess we’ll just see how it goes? 

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I wrote from the heart and let out everything that I had in me. I actually cried while I was writing my piece. It was a risk, baring my soul in every word that I typed in but I took it because I didn’t believe it would actually get published. 

Five days later, my work was on the paper. 

Was it a dream come true? Definitely. Most of my previous work when I was still a campus journalist got posted online given that I was in a publication that focused more on web-based interaction. I used to act as the news anchor/interviewer during our videos. Also, I was trained as a “contest journalist” as some may say. To cut it short, I never saw any of my written work get published on an actual paper before. This was the first, and it’s amazing. 

On the 23rd of November, the day that they were selling the Paramore Tour Four tickets was a good day despite not being able to get seats. I didn’t particularly know why I felt good that day. I’d like to think it was because I got to do yoga and got to catch up with my close friend through a Messenger call. I just felt that I was full of energy and I needed to release it that night. So I opened my tumblr and wrote “Starting Over” for my blog and right after that, I wrote “Fake Happy” which I sent over to Youngblood. If you’re a Parawhore, you’ll get the tiny bits I included in there. 

November 28, my work was published, but I didn’t know it yet because I was sick. I rarely got out of bed and I just slept the whole day, my youngblood submission seemingly forgotten. I actually found out about it on the night of  November 30. I just decided to get some reading done on their online archives and suddenly my eyes landed on my name, and I kid you not, I was completely covered in goosebumps for a full minute. 

After making sure that it was indeed my work there (I just couldn’t believe it), I rushed to find a copy of the paper. I knew we had it because I saw it haphazardly strewn in our living room back on the 28th. I was drawn to read that paper that day but I didn’t because my head was aching and craving for some rest. I’m still amazed that somehow the parts of me that I poured on my work was calling for me to acknowledge them. It’s thrilling to see energy at work. 

When I got hold of the paper I just read my piece again, sat in silence and felt deeply grateful. Then, naturally being a millennial I posted it on my facebook and instagram stories and the day after, my family got to read it. My dad actually cried while reading it and I just feel so appreciative of my friends and family who had been with me through it all. 

You can read my Youngblood submission HERE. Please do share your thoughts and if you’re going through hardships right now, please know that you are not alone in your journey. Write about it, you never know what might unfold for you.

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Starting Over

I feel like I’ve been jolted awake after years of troubled slumber. 

I dreamed that as a child, I’d like to think that I had many friends. I liked socializing in groups. I was almost always that kid who laughed all the time and made occasional jokes for everyone. Looking back, I believe I’ve just been acquainted with them because I see them almost everyday. It was like my routine would not be complete without checking up with them, even sharing a story or two. My happiness just solely relied on being ‘friends’ with these people that it made me realize how lonely I was and it was unhealthy. 

But I’m awake now, and my reality is still not far from the dream, but it’s getting better. I just love everything and everyone too much that I crave their love in return just so I could function to give more of me to the world. It’s killing me, and it finally did but I just feel like I am reborn.  

Just yesterday, I was lying on my back, breathing deeply, listening to the ambient sound effect that floated from my speakers as I followed through in a yoga class. When suddenly my phone rang, my friend was calling me and she texted me the numbers 911 three times. Naturally, I picked up and asked her what was wrong. It turns out she just wanted to talk and it was one of the longest conversations that we had ever since she migrated to the United States. It was nice and it was like when I picked up, I started this sequence of puzzle pieces finally getting into place. And as I’m writing this, I just had goosebumps, like I discovered something spiritually right for me. 

I don’t know what this enlightenment entails for me yet, all I know is that it’s time to start over. A re-branding as some might call it. It’s time to step away from the woes of my past and just give out this energy that is pent up inside of me through years of kindling my light. I just know that I’m a part of something big and it’s frightening and amazing and at the same time, I know that I just have to take you through this journey with me. 

Let’s stay awake together.

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Pressing the “Restart” button

I haven’t been writing much. 

The past few months has been just a blur of receiving test scores, turning over laboratory manuals and printing out numerous revisions of our thesis paper that the printing guy near our school probably grew bored of seeing my face in their shop nearly everyday.

It was exhausting to say the least. 

Although I could always keep up with the demands of my academics, being a student body officer and at the same time, an org officer, I am now just a shell of this fire cracker that burst almost all year round. Keyword: almost. My most hated word. Typical me, falling short of everyone’s expectations. But the thing is, the year is not done yet. And already, it is asking more from me. Like a babe awaiting it’s next feeding session. I’m afraid I can’t recuperate fast enough, if at all. 

If you knew me personally, you would be aware that I’ll be starting my internship in a few weeks. Six months of hospital and laboratory work designed to prepare me for when I’ll be taking up those three coveted letters of my chosen profession. This will be my last six months as a college student. This is it. This is the start of the end and I am afraid. I am completely terrified because to be quite honest, I have never expected that I would get this far. My anxious and indecisive mind from when I was younger was almost successful in putting me in a coffin. Again, keyword: almost. 

But I guess I hit the “restart” button before any of that ever happened. 

I want to press it again now. Although I wont. It’s wasteful and I earned a ton of experience, and even evolved quite a bit (of course, not in the anatomical sense of the word). I’ll be throwing three years of my life away if I did. And the one thing that I don’t want to be in my life is a waste. I guess my anxiety is just keeping me from taking that step forward down the road of beating the game. Like a glitch at point Y that wants to always brings me back to point X. But I won’t let it do that to me anymore. Even if I am afraid of what the future and all the possibilities that it holds, it’s better than being stuck in one timeline forever.

Because after the end of this game, there will be a new one. 

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Testing out some watercolor pencils.

[nicaffeinated]

Minefield

He,

a daredevil,

a rolling stone

seeking brief thrills

in slow nights,

cheap girls

and fist fights,

cigarettes

and prying eyes

yet he,

didn’t care,

but he did not stop there;

with no home,

and nothing to lose

he kept the gun close

and the pills in his pockets

were weights he could not disclose

to anybody

but just when he

planned to be alone,

as life proved to be a bore

and he thought of risking it all

to hell with it all

he came upon

a minefield that was her

and he was gone

forever,

in his place

a man

who has someone to live for

N.

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Once you get this, reply with 5 things that make you happy then send this to the last 10 people in your activity ❤

1.Pizza!!!

2.Sunshine

3.My dog, Sansa

4.Long hikes

and quite recently, the

5. #RP612fic tag on twitter!!

Thanks for this, Kim @sunny-kimmy !

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COLOR MANILA CARNIVAL: A wet and colorful early morning rave party

That’s one item ticked off of my bucket list !I went with a few of my sibling-like friends from our school publication as we wanted to join in on the fun run and because we’re covering the event (hence why some of us were carrying huge and bulky cameras, #journalistduties).

The funny thing is we only registered for 3km, because some of my friends and I have asthma, but by the 2km sign, we all wanted to do the whole deal (as it promised more colors thrown at us) which led to us finishing 5km but received 21km finisher medals. Overall, it had been a fun experience and the rave party was lit despite the scorching heat.

Accidentally inhaling/swallowing the food dye, and the long time it took to remove the stains from our bodies were worth it! We’ll definitely run again!

[nicaffeinated]

THE PROPER FIX FOR A BAD DAY

The past week had certainly been uneventful. I just spent the first few days of our ‘summer’ vacation catching up with the tv shows that I missed this school year, painting random things and taking care of my dog, Sansa. And now I actually just came home and am officially enrolled for this year’s academic short term following our school’s recent schedule change which is both a blessing and a curse.

Summer vacation is more about burying our toes in the sand, soaking up sunlight at the beach and sipping cold drinks to beat the heat. Sadly, that is not the case this year. Instead of enjoying ourselves at the pool/beach side, we’re stuck in an air conditioned room listening to lectures with the rain pouring outside. Ugh. Great.

A stressful day much like today deserves good food and endless ‘kwentuhan’ among amazing people. So, to liven things up in this dreary weather, my friends and I go on food trips every once in a while. And that is what we did: an all out food trip.

The enrollment process is not really a cake-walk so we decided to grab lunch at Fat Wave La Union which is found at Urbiztondo, San Juan. We had mixed canton & bihon pancit, a ceasar salad (which is mostly for me, because I love salads) and what they call a white pizza, which is really a Hawaiian pizza, but I think they soaked the pineapples in booze so that’s a great plus! Our stories were mostly about trying to survive as we are incoming juniors and we’ll be drowning in course work soon enough. That’s fun. Meh.

Afterwards, some of us bought ice cream and just walked along the seashore despite the already darkening skies. And after finally having our fix of the scenery, we went off to eat at Poppy’s, which is a burger place found in Carlatan and we partnered those burgers with our favorite millktea flavors from Milkywave as it is just next door.

With a full belly and equally full phone memory (yes, a lot of photos taken today). All I can say is, life is indeed good if you know how to live it and bad days can turn for the best once you have great food and good company.

[nicaffeinated]

BRAVE HEART

Come with me into lives uncharted

Skip on fire ‘til our hearts lose the beat

Quiet breaths in lights not blinding

Sweat trickling amidst this dying fleet

Stand with me among choruses of grief,

Along the swaying grass on empty fields

Vow to never rest, to never yield

N.

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Some roses to ease boredom away. 🌹

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TEMPEST

Give me rain in times I weep,

Light can’t reach me in this keep

Gather a storm when I am torn,

The sky will burst for a lover scorned.

N.

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MYRIAD OF ALMOST

Almost. A word that simply says, it’s not enough. Oh, how I hate it, Yet my life is filled with them.

Almost. Not enough that I’m here.

It’s not enough that I try, not enough that I do my best.

Almost.

I’ve accumulated a lot of this word that I’ve learned to despise,

And the moment I almost lost all feeling was when I realized,

people do not give a damn on almost successes.

N.

[nicaffeinated]

Keep quiet.