ocpd96

[ocpd96]

was it difficult for you to get ocpd diagnosis?

I didn’t really go out of my way to get a diagnosis. I began seeing a psychologist again after having been without one for a couple years, I’d previously been diagnosed with depression and anxiety as a teenager and just assumed the way I functioned was a mixture of the coping mechanisms I’d developed over the years to combat those and just inherent personality. After about 18 months with my new psychologist, when she well and truly knew my history and the way my mind worked, she asked if I’d ever heard of OCPD. We went through the DSM together and she showed me how I met 7 of the 8 diagnostic criteria, it only takes 4 to be considered for a diagnosis. The more we talked about it over the next few sessions the more everything just fell into place, my thought patterns and obsessive hyperfixations and all or nothing nature... everything started making sense. I was referred to a psychiatrist to get a formal diagnosis, she wrote her findings after just 1 session with me and a detailed letter from my psychologist - officially have OCPD and complex-PTSD. Just that 1 session cost over $400 though so that definitely sucked.

[ocpd96]

sorry if it’s rude to ask, but what exactly is your diagnosis? i hope this question isn‘t too private 🙈

No that's okay. I was diagnosed with Obsessive Compulsive Personality Disorder (OCPD) and Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (C-PTSD) in 2020. I also have Generalised Anxiety Disorder (GAD) and Depression, both of which were diagnosed much earlier, maybe 2011? That covers the mental health side. But finally I have Janz Myoclonic Epilepsy (JME), diagnosed in 2012 after a year of seizures and neurological testing.

[ocpd96]

✨ i feel like my life has no purpose unless i'm overworking myself ✨

[ocpd96]

[ocpd96]

Comments of toxic positivity make me want to blow my brains out.

[ocpd96]

[ocpd96]

The Obsessive-Compulsive Personality Disorder Checklist

This is a checklist to help one understand Obsessive-Compulsive Personality Disorder. One may use it to self-diagnose or as a worksheet to present to a doctor or therapist  or other medical professional and better communicate symptoms they are experiencing. All information is taken from the DSM-5.

Section I Must check TWO or more of the following: 

My sense of self is derived from my work or productivity, and I may define myself by my accomplishments in these activities.

I have difficulty completing tasks and realizing goals because of the impossibly high standards I set for myself and for others.

I have difficulty understanding or relating to the ideas, feelings, or behaviors of others. (low empathy)

I have difficulty maintaining relationships because I put them second to my work.

__ / 4

Section II Must check TWO or more of the following:

I have cognition problems and difficulty perceiving myself, other people, and events.

I have affectivity problems and difficulty controlling the range and intensity of my emotional responses.

I have problems with interpersonal functioning and being aware of my own actions and feelings.

I have difficulty controlling my impulses.

__ / 4

Section III Must check THREE or more of the following, one of which MUST be the first one:

I am a rigid perfectionist, and I am insistent that both my performances and the performances of others are flawless. I am preoccupied with details, organization, and order.

I am persistent at tasks, even after my way of going about things has proved to be ineffective. I am reluctant to change my behaviors.

I tend to avoid any kind of close relationships, including friendships.

I show little reaction to instances which should excite me and I have difficulty expressing myself. Some may describe me as very distant.

__ / 4

Section IV Must check FOUR or more of the following:

I get so preoccupied with details and organization and schedules that I lose sight of the main task.

I am so much of a perfectionist that it keeps me from finishing work, because I need it to be perfect.

I am excessively devoted to my work, and I often exclude leisure activities and interpersonal relationships.

I am very grounded in my beliefs, morals, values, and ethics and am not easily swayed. 

I find I am unable to discard worn-out or worthless objects, even when they have no sentimental value.

I am reluctant to delegate tasks or to work with others unless they agree to my way of doing things.

I rarely spend money on anything. I tend to hoard it and save it just in case something horrible happens.

I am rigid and stubborn in most situations.

__ / 8

Section V Must check ALL of the following: 

My symptoms impair my personality and social functioning

My symptoms are consistent across a broad range of personal and social situations.

My symptoms have lasted a while and started in early adulthood or earlier.

My symptoms are not caused by medication, drug use, or another medical condition.

At this point, if you have checked the minimum, you may qualify for a diagnosis of obsessive-compulsive personality disorder. The next section is a compiled list of symptoms, behaviors, thought patterns, etc. often found in OCPD patients.

If you did NOT meet the minimum but relate to many of the symptoms listed, check out Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder, especially if you experience intrusive thoughts. If you feel you related to some of the symptoms, but feel many of your symptoms weren’t listed, try anxiety disorders and Bipolar Disorder. If you cleared Sections II and V but still did not meet the minimum, look into other personality disorders.

Section VI Common symptoms and behaviors associated (not required for diagnosis):

I care more about orderliness and making sure everything is done perfectly more than I do about efficiency or flexibility.

I am prone to repetition in tasks and the way I handle things.

I pay very close attention to rules and follow them closely.

I am constantly looking for possible mistakes.

I find time management incredibly difficult because I often become preoccupied. 

I get so flustered trying to get everything together that I often miss deadlines.

I am incredibly devoted to my work.

I can become stir-crazy if I spend too much time relaxing. I often feel I don’t have time to take a day off or spend time doing something fun.

I hate feeling like I’ve wasted time.

If I take too long of a break, I can become incredibly anxious.

When I do spend time with friends, it’s often an organized activity. I do not like spontaneity.

I am my own worst critic.

I am a hoarder.

I am incredibly stingy and live far below what I can actually afford. I try to only focus on necessities.

I tend to plan things ahead in meticulous detail. 

I am especially attentive to my status in relationships and knowing where I stand with people.

I am often uncomfortable with people who are very expressive.

Affection often makes me uncomfortable.

When it comes to expressing myself, I obsess over what I’m going to say until I’m sure it’s perfect.

I am competitive. 

__ / 20

[ocpd96]

A List List

Things I need to do

Things I need to do but don’t care enough to do them

Things I need to do but don’t feel a sense of urgency to do immediately

Things I need to do but am too anxious to approach

Things I need to do that I just don’t want to do because they’re boring, annoying, inconvenient, or take too much effort

Time-sensitive things I need to do (approaching v. distant deadline)

Things I should do but don’t technically need to do

Things I think I should do but don’t care about

Things I want to do but haven’t started

Things I want to do but don’t have the energy for

Things I want to do but tell myself I don’t have energy for because I just don’t want to exert the energy

Things I want to do but feel anxious about doing or starting

Things I want to do but am prevented from doing due to one or several of my disorders

Things I want to do that I don’t have an excuse for not doing, I just haven’t done it

Things I’ve started but haven’t finished

Things I’ve started but have too much anxiety/not enough energy to finish

Things I’ve started but never finished because I stopped caring enough about it

Things I’ve put on a list fully intending to complete but never have for any or several of the reasons mentioned above

Things of varying importance that have crossed my mind that I’ve never written down and are therefore more or less lost in the void

Things that I have forgotten to put on this list that will inevitably eat at me because it makes this list unfinished

This list

[ocpd96]

Autism, OCD, and OCPD

Autism, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, and Obsessive Compulsive Personality Disorder have a lot of common traits. From the surface, it may be difficult to distinguish between the three, and especially difficult to figure out the cause distress. I have all 3, and wanted to make a post about a key difference. 

A person with any of the three disorders will often be distressed when something does not happen according to their wants/expectations. Their reactions may all be the same, but the biggest key in differentiating between the three is the why behind the reaction. 

Here is an example. 

You are driving your friend home and decide to take a different route than usual. This causes a pronounced reaction of distress. 

In your autistic friend, the distress comes from the route being different. It’s not what they’re used to, and it’s not what they expected. It is different than normal, and therefore Bad. 

In your friend with OCD, the distress comes from the new route being not safe. They take their specific route home every day because going another way means something bad will happen. Going a different way is unsafe, and therefore Bad. 

In your friend with OCPD, the distress comes from this route being wrong. Their usual way is the Best way because it is the fastest / most efficient / most convenient /etc. The new way is Wrong because it is not as fast/efficient/convenient, and it is therefore Bad. 

There are obviously other aspects to each disorder, but this is a big difference and I’ve found that recognizing it has been really helpful for me. 

[ocpd96]

Types of cognitive errors specific to intrusive thoughts and OC(P)D

Overimportance of Thoughts and the Need to Control Them

This cognitive error occurs when we conclude that simply because we have a particular thought, it must be meaningful. Similarly, we may conclude that simply because we are thinking about something, this means that it will actually happen. If we have this mistaken belief about the importance of thoughts, we may start to believe that we have to exercise complete control over all our thoughts (which (…) is doomed to fail).

Overestimating Danger

People with OCD often overestimate both the likelihood and the dangerousness of things that may happen. They often view a situation as threatening until they are guaranteed that it is safe. Most people without OCD, on the other hand, assume that a situation is safe unless it is proven to be dangerous.

Intolerance of Uncertainty

Perhaps because people with OCD tend to overestimate the likelihood of danger, they often have trouble making decisions in uncertain or ambiguous situations, then subsequently question whether their decision was correct. Several researchers have found a connection between perfectionism, concern over mistakes, doubts about actions, and OCD symptoms.

Perfectionism

Several studies of OCD have found a connection between inability to tolerate uncertainty and perfectionism. For instance, OCD sufferers believe that their actions must be perfect if they are to avoid criticism from others.

Excessive Responsibility

If you believe that you have the primary power and responsibility to make sure bad things don’t happen, then you probably commit this cognitive error. Since many, if not most, outcomes in life are beyond our control, excessive responsibility will often lead to guilt when bad things happen to us or our loved ones (even when in reality we had no control to avert these things).

From Lee Baer, “The Imp of the Mind”

[ocpd96]

[ocpd96]

Are you ok? Was just looking up ocpd to try to explain to someone and saw your post that you are barely holding on. Please reach out to someone. Even me if needed. We need to take care of each other.

Thank you. I really appreciate your concern. I'm still holding on. This tumblr is kind of just my outlet for all the torment and darkness in my mind and because no one in my real life knows it exists, I don't have to filter myself to protect them. It's quite cathartic typing the truth when I'm exhausted from masking. I do have a suicide safety plan in place with my psychologist so I'm taking all the responsible steps even though most days I don't see the point.

[ocpd96]

I'm barely holding on.

I don't know how much longer I can keep myself alive.

I feel like I'm drowning.

I either feel everything at once or absolutely nothing at all.

[ocpd96]

It was my best friend's 25th birthday yesterday and I avoided her.

Her and I got matching tattoos 3 years ago - the week before I moved states. We haven't drifted apart, despite the distance, I know we are bonded for life by the love we have for each other. I visit as often as I can, a couple times a year maybe, and we try to stay in regular messaging contact with the occassional video calls for a proper catch up.

But lately I've been lying to avoid her. It makes me feel like shit. Admittedly when I say I'm busy with uni or work that day, its always true, but I alter the hours I tell her so that our free time never matches up. I want to know whats happening in her life. I want to hear her voice and her laugh. I miss her so much. But my depression is consuming me, I mask all day every day infront of every person I see... but none of them know me like her. Hiding the truth from those around me is relatively easy... still exhausting, but I manage very convincingly. Masking infront of her takes my entire focus and all the strength I don't have to not let slip that I'm dying inside. I can't tell her because she can't help. I can't burden her with the pain of knowing because then we're both hurting for nothing.

But I promised myself that I would summon every ounce of energy I had left so that I could video call her for her birthday. I pleaded with myself the whole day before, but then yesterday morning I awoke in a sweat of panic after yet another horrific night terror and the only thing that got me through my shower was writing my suicide letter over and over again in my mind. Every morning I wake up drowning deeper than the day before and I knew that if she so much as asked me what I've been up to, I'd shatter into a million pieces inside and my mask would crack and even if I tried to play it off, her doubts would weigh on her... she doesn't deserve that ever, let alone on her birthday.

So I lied. I hate myself so much for flaking. I don't even know if I'll still be here to see her turn 26, or even if I'll make it to my 25th this year.

[ocpd96]

“Sometimes suffering is just suffering. It doesn’t make you stronger. It doesn’t build character. It only hurts.”

— Kate Jacobs; Comfort Food

[ocpd96]

[ocpd96]