rough-gem - Tumblr blog

[rough-gem]

Two days ago we climbed a little mountain. Just you (B) and I, holding hands, me and my floppy feet struggling to keep up (as usual).

It was worth it. It was a perfect day.

We stayed for hours, waiting for sunset. I had climbed up into your lap facing you. I was a sweaty koala, and you couldn't care less.

You kissed the salt off my body. You looked at me and told me you loved me. You ripped all the air from my lungs, a pestle of words that crushed me into rocks and dust and little yellow wildflowers.

I said nothing for a long time. I couldn't believe it was real and I didn't know if I could say it back. I wanted to so badly, but I spent so long trying to pretend that blurry boy in the reflection on the TV screen didn't exist. And reaching that point meant there was no turning back. It was scary.

I realized in that moment that the wonderful sunset I was waiting for had passed. All I could see was you. And I was so grateful. I stopped worrying and let you know that I was never turning back either.

In the dark you took me and swallowed me whole, in a blanket of salt and dust and rocks and little yellow wildflowers. I wanted to be the rabbit you feasted on under the stars. If only you could have torn me apart with how much you loved me and I loved you.

[rough-gem]

Life in an Endless Whirlwind

I feel like so much has happened, yet so little, all at once. The beginnings of so many things have blasted their way into my life in the past few weeks.

I have such a hard time trusting people. I’m constantly doubting if the things they say to me or about me are true. If someone is kind to me, I always think there’s something else hiding under the surface.

I know G & B like me, but I don’t know if they love me. I don’t know if I love them either, but I really want it to be real. It’s so weird how I’m so concerned with how they feel when I’m not even sure what’s going on with me... but I always worry that my feelings are just floating around in a vacuum.

I’ve also been dealing with a sick senior pet that seems to need to go to the vet every week. I feel so bad for him.

On top of all of that, an amazing home went up for sale and M is trying to get it... which means my entire life will turn upside down, and we’re so scared yet so stressed yet so excited for what might happen. We might find out tomorrow.

I keep thinking of you, and how I need to sit with you and really tell you how I’ve been feeling lately, but life has been such a whirlwind that I don’t even get much time to sit with my feelings on my own. I’m looking for a break.

[rough-gem]

Flooded

I’ve still been feeling a little odd. I’ve been struggling to work. I’m so confused on why Saturday is affecting me so deeply... on the surface I feel like sure, it sucks, but it’s not such a big deal -- but deep inside I guess I have a lot to think about and not a lot of quiet moments alone to think about them anymore.

I think it just made raw so many emotions about walls I’ve put up that I didn’t realize were there, fear over the possibility of rejection, and fear over the possibilities if those feelings are mutual. So much hangs in the balance and I feel like I’m swimming in all of these confused feelings I brought back with me from the well. Maybe I’m still in there.

I’m also afraid to tell G & B why I don’t want to do kink with them even though I was 100% the one that brought it up. I was high and couldn’t stop myself from spilling out the words, and they were high and couldn’t stop themselves from pushing me for more information. Having to give the idea that you MUST fall in love with me to receive anything sounds so gross... but I don’t want to put myself in such a vulnerable position without genuinely feeling loved. I think that makes sense. I just don’t know how to say it.

I was poking friendly fun at B earlier Saturday evening about how B seemed bored when we first met a couple of years ago. B sent me a text this week saying they couldn’t stop thinking about what I said. They wanted me to know that it’s a serious relationship and that they’re fully invested in it, and hoping I didn’t still feel that way about them. I told B that I didn’t realize that it would be something that worried them, and that I absolutely didn’t feel that way now about B. I also told B that I was glad that they told me these things because it’s comforting to hear those words either way. I guess I should focus more on the good than the bad.

I told G that some stuff that went down did make me feel weird, so maybe we’ll talk about it soon. I hope the well doesn’t get any deeper.

[rough-gem]

Deep in the Well

It’s been a while. I’m sorry this one will be long. Stress has been a dark cloud lingering over everything, but I think things are starting to change.

M and I feel like we’re closer than ever, communicating in wonderful ways. M started a new work-from-home job and it’s been a challenge for both of us to get used to, but I think it’s for the best.

G, B & I have been great, mostly. Well, it’s not as bad as it sounds -- it’s really great. I stayed over this past weekend though, and I don’t know what astrological shit is out of sorts lately (full super flower blood moons and planets in retrograde and societal chaos ever-looming), but I came away from that night in a strange condition.

(TW: Drugs, Alcohol) Saturday afternoon was great: at the park enjoying the sun and the conversation. We picked up dinner and went home for the evening, had some drinks, G ended up making some edibles for dessert. We started playing a card game that I brought over. Everything seemed fine until that dessert hit us. I thought it smelled a little strong, but I trusted G knew what they were doing... what we ate was far, far stronger than it should’ve been. I’ve been beyond high plenty of times in the past, but I’ve never been that high in my entire life before Saturday night. So here’s the rundown:

Time looped, things I saw or heard felt like I had experienced them a million times before. I could barely think or keep my eyes open. I ceased to exist. We tried to continue playing our game, poorly, and gave up.

Before I decided to throw in the towel, B & I were kissing and it was as if our bodies merged and melted away -- as if I became an amoeba and we were in the midst of some type of binary fusion (yes, fusion). I just knew we shouldn’t let things continue, so I told them I was too far gone to have sex. G & B stopped immediately, and I was safe with them, but the world I fell into alone was dark and deep.

During our game, while we were still somewhat able, I had brought up the topic of fetishes/kinks, and that I had learned some new things about myself lately. I knew I was in no position to really talk about it, and looking back I honestly regret bringing it up, but I didn’t have the sense to stop myself then. They kept pushing me to say things and I was volunteering strange pieces of information that kept me digging further and further into a hole. I felt pressured, and it was a bit embarrassing to be honest, but I understood that the same lack of filter I had that made me say those things was the same as the one that would’ve stopped them from pushing. So while I am a little upset (and don’t get me wrong, I have every right to be), I’m also not really holding it against them.

Trying to understand yourself is incredibly difficult. This relationship dynamic with G & B is new, the sexual exploration between M & I is new, it all started at the same time. I’m learning more and more about power exchange/DS with M, and I am finding I enjoy some of what we’ve tried, but I really don’t know how to broach that conversation with G & B. The issue is that M & I have been together for 8 years... I know M, M knows me, we love and trust each other. G, B & I are not at that point yet, and I feel like it might mess things up to say so.

I want to love them and I feel like I’m so close to doing so. I think I’m just holding back because I’m not sure if that’s something they would want. I’m a little afraid that I won’t be able to hold it back for much longer. It just feels so exposing to share those things, because I don’t even fully understand them. I always consider myself an open person, but I’m surprised how hard it is to actually let yourself remain vulnerable.

I laid down, drank a ton of water, and tried to shut my brain off and wait for the high to pass, dragging myself back into my body once in a while to remind myself that I needed to be whole, to exist, and that everything was going to be okay. I found it so interesting to see how G & B were acting. I think it really boiled us down into our fundamental, darker states -- I wanted to just be left alone to work through it, while B was feeling nervous, afraid and emotional, and G was just trying to fight it and seemed a little paranoid but concerned. During this time B apologized to me for pressing during the kink conversation -- I found it sweet that even through all of that, he noticed and felt guilty.

When the rollercoaster ride ended, we felt a lot better but a bit weirded out, though we ended up having a little fun before finally going to sleep anyway. In the morning we got breakfast, talked and laughed about our night, and parted ways.

I was so glad to get home, but I haven’t really felt right since. I think the trip and the kink conversation really just put me in a negative place. I know it was all by mistake, but I’ve found myself feeling depressed this week, and I really need to get through it. We’ll see.

[rough-gem]

Girlfriend Material

Today I pulled an owl and a spider, basically telling me that I am gaining wisdom and that I should trust my intuition, and now is my moment to make “dreams come true”, Whatever could my dreams be?

I guess the truth really was in the oracle cards, after all. Not long before I had posted that journal entry, I had the strangest dream about G & B that I never fully explained. We were at an event with a large number of people mingling. I was supposed to be having a conversation with a person I did not know, but I had grown bored and absolutely tuned out anything this person was saying. Instead, I kept looking across the room watching G & B having a conversation with someone else, and they looked like they were thoroughly enjoying it.

In that moment, I felt so many complicated emotions. I was almost jealous -- I wanted to be there with them, I didn’t want to be talked at by a stranger. They were so close, yet so far, and I felt like I couldn’t step in to interrupt (especially seeing as it seemed like they were having a good time). I was so frustrated and sad and annoyed, and when I woke I was so surprised that those feelings were felt so strongly. It’s been on my mind quite a bit.

They came over last afternoon/evening and stayed the night with me. We had such a great time. I told them about my dream (clearly it was something I needed to do, as the spirits foretold). I was almost scared to put it out there, because I felt like they wouldn’t understand what I was trying to express, and if they did, that they might not feel the same way. But hearing it, they were so happy to know what I was experiencing: that I was having legitimate, deep feelings about them. I told them about the family in the TV, and that I actually felt fulfilled and not interested in expanding/getting involved with anyone else (other than my own current partner). I told them the nicknames I gave them, and how silly and shy and excited I felt about the idea of one day being their actual girlfriend, holding hands shamelessly in public, making the monogamists seethe, becoming a real item. I didn’t say I was in love, as I don’t know if I am falling in love per se, but I think it’s very possible that I could.

They ended up telling me that they’ve been realizing that they had stronger feelings too. I was so happy to hear that we were riding the same wave. When we were naked, sweaty, and tangled together in bed later that night (morning), B said that they liked the idea of making things “official”, to call me their girlfriend. B asked me how I felt about it, and of course I was excited -- and that was that. The stamp was proverbially pressed to the parchment and I did end up making my dreams come true after all.

I need to wash the sheets tomorrow. But I think I’m going to sleep in them tonight just to enjoy the memory a little bit longer.

[rough-gem]

Overwhelmed

Today I found myself filled to the brim with emotions. Terrible things are happening in the world, both right here and everywhere else. I’m reeling with feelings of sadness and grief... and what I think might be (or, rather, attempting to be) love.

I started to fill so filled up that panic set in, and my eyes began to water, and I spilled out the things that I could no longer maintain. The sky has opened up and has begun to cry with me, today. I decided take that moment to seek answers from sacred places outside of myself.

My feelings seem so hard to trust, sometimes. The more I see G & B, the more I desire something deeper and more vulnerable. I’ve tried to keep an open mind to everything in my life lately, and I’m beginning to wonder if I opened my heart instead, divvying it up willy-nilly to whoever merely glances my way. Last time, I sat side by side with G, and I just wanted so badly to tuck my arm under theirs and rest my head on their shoulder. I just couldn’t do it.

I even muse about what it would be like to go on trips with them, or take them out on dates individually and how cute or sweet it would be to share special moments with them. I dreamt the other night that I became sour over them talking to a friend at a group social event, because I wanted something more...

I find it hard to believe that I am falling in love only having been with them romantically a couple of times. But I have known them for quite a long time as close friends before we decided to move forward. I’m not sure yet.

I pulled out my oracle cards and set up a small altar/area to read them. I had sought them out for a similar reason not two weeks ago. All signs point to telling them the truth instead of hiding from these mysterious feelings. Today I pulled an owl and a spider, basically telling me that I am gaining wisdom and that I should trust my intuition, and now is my moment to make “dreams come true”, Whatever could my dreams be?

I just know I think about you almost every day. I actually miss you when I am away. I want to feel your soft skin and your sweat and the sounds of your voice. I just want to hold your hands in my hands, your body on my body. I think I’m at a point where I could steer the train away if I really needed to, but I’m not exactly sure. I just need to pour it all out.

Is it turning into love, or am I just ready to be vulnerable to anyone who’ll even pay attention to me? How can I trust myself to be sure? After my oracle session, I am now incredibly exhausted and I think I’ll just lay down for a while.

[rough-gem]

Little Family

I saw G & B over the weekend. I needed to write before the shiny new sparkle on this experience fades away. I have a lot to think over. My last post:

“Is it wrong of me to wish it was me and only me?... I want to fall in love with them, and I want them to fall in love with me.”

I saw them over the weekend -- and again, I felt feelings of warmth and comfort. We had sex together. It was my first experience like that and honestly I felt like it was a little frantic, but I did enjoy it. We laughed a lot, and I felt cared for.

There was a TV at the foot of the bed. When it was over, I found myself being held in between them as we sat, and we admired the soft and blurry reflection of our naked selves through the black of the screen. I could see the shape of my body tucked in the middle of four arms and four legs so perfectly, and I felt like I belonged there. I said we looked like a “little family” -- something I probably should’ve kept to myself.

I spent the night, held in the arms of B, feeling skin against my back and kisses on my shoulder as the hours went by. I don’t think I slept much, I had too many thoughts.

In the morning, as G got up to get ready for the day, B had me in their lap, and we both faced the soft glow of our reflections in the TV once again. We both looked at ourselves together, skin against skin, analyzing the shapes. We were quiet for just a moment, but it felt like an eternity before G walked back in.

I know B felt it too. B whipped their head around at the sound of the door. I know I wasn’t imagining things.

G asked playfully, “what are you two up to in here?”

I’m worried that the next time I see them, I’ll see the loving gaze of my beautiful new family in the TV again.

[rough-gem]

In a Way

(2/2) Things did get better, and they continue to get better... in a way. I only say it like that because it hasn’t been long and things are still evolving -- but it’s evolving in a good way.

I am still hurt by how M initially reacted, and some of it I am still processing and learning to understand... but I do believe and forgive them. We talked so long about how we were feeling about our current mindsets, and how we were feeling about our past and future together, discussing things in a way we had never done before. With us both working on our mental health, we have somehow unlocked a deeper understanding about how to deal with our conflicts and our relationship feels incredibly strong. I guess I am grateful that we hit rock bottom over COVID. We wouldn’t have made the decisions to get help for ourselves individually had we not gotten there.

I told M I hadn’t quite chosen to act on my feelings yet, but that I wanted to meet up with G & B to just ask them questions and to talk about how I was feeling about the idea. M ultimately supported me and said I should explore the idea if I felt like I needed to. I was really thankful for that.

M confessed to me that they had some feelings they were hiding as well -- some sexual desires involving power exchange that M wanted to explore with me -- and I felt that these desires were so incredibly acceptable that I was a bit frustrated that they didn’t discuss them with me earlier, but I obviously understand how it feels to be confused and ashamed about your feelings. We have been exploring these things for about a week now and I’m happy that I can support them.

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I met up with the G & B last weekend, and we had a wonderful afternoon and evening together as friends, and finally we discussed (and laughed about) our feelings. I ended up staying there until the early morning being kissed and touched and held fully clothed, I talked about things I struggled with at my job and felt genuinely heard and supported... I thought, wow. Is this really what it’s like?

I know I’m not the only one they do this with, and even though they see the other person maybe a few times a year at most, is it wrong of me to wish it was me and only me? I want to be with M for the rest of my life, but I also want to fall in love with G & B, and I want them to fall in love with me, but I know that’s probably not what they would want. I’ll try my best not to get too caught up in my fantasy of a warm and loving triad, but I’m looking forward to seeing them again and exploring these new feelings.

[rough-gem]

It’s been a couple of weeks since my last update. And I have to say, things did not go well.

But, then they did. (Kind of. We’re still developing over here.) Here is the part that was not-so-good. And I’ll make a separate post about the good to spare you the excessive waterfall of text.

I laid in bed that night with who I consider the Love Of My Life™, trying to muster up what little courage I may have in order to confess the unusual and complicated feelings I discussed in my previous post. Reader, I almost bailed. But in a moment of silence, He pressed me on what it was I was thinking about, and that was my moment.

I began crying immediately. The first time I had cried in weeks. I admitted to M these strange feelings of wanting to involve myself with a couple I had been friends with for over a year, and how I was so scared and confused on how to navigate those feelings. I said I really wanted to explore why these feelings existed, and that I wanted to understand myself... you know the whole deal.

At first things seemed sort of alright -- it was admittedly a very stunning confession, but M stepped away for a while as I cried alone, only to return with such a poisonous manner that I myself was stunned to hear it. I’ll spare you the details, but it was probably the most official Coming Out of sorts I’ve ever had and it went exactly the way you hope it wouldn’t: nasty, perverse, vitriolic, objectifying.

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I didn’t even know if my feelings were something I fully wanted to pursue, and I had no details or hard-coded plans -- I just wanted to express my feelings because they were haunting me. The desire was like a ghost lingering in the corner of the room, watching me as I slept. I needed to confess them or it would have felt terribly dishonest and secretive. I cried in shame and heartbreak for what seemed like an entire night, and my eyes stayed swollen for days afterward. M called off work that day to continue to talk and process their  thoughts and mine, and it almost felt like I had been caught in a cheating lie despite never having lied or cheated.

M did come to me some time after, and we had a deep discussion about everything that’s been going on. M told me they just reacted poorly, allowing their own thoughts/perceptions to consume them, and M seemed apologetic, but I honestly can’t help but feel a bit traumatized by the whole experience.

Things did get better though.

[rough-gem]

It’s been a long time. And a lot happened. I felt like I was standing on the edge of a canyon, dangling a foot into an abyss. I cried every day, suddenly, and every time I sat down to work, fear and nausea washed over me -- life was just getting too real and too heavy.

I needed help, and I ended up finding a way to get medication. I’ve been on it for about 3 weeks now, and things are getting a lot better. After dealing with some side effects, now I’m working again, and feeling more whole than I have in a while. I’ve been in this relationship for 7 1/2 years. Through everything, we’ve both changed so much. For the better, I think, even through all of our pain. So there’s the good news.

Through this time, I learned that I wanted to explore polyamory, and it’s something that has called to me so strongly, and for so long. I know who I want to come home to (it’s you), but I want to experience emotional intimacy and bonds with other people in different dynamics. This has mostly been with women. I met a couple though, G & B, and for some reason, this has really been calling to me, and I’m so scared and ashamed to bring it up to you.

It feels like I’m struggling to come out, and I think that’s even more of a reason to explore this feeling. I don’t know how to tell you, I’ve been trying to find a way to do it all week. It scares me. Usually I don’t pay attention to couples, but there’s something really comforting and familiar with these two people. I don’t know if it’s a dynamic that will end up working out for me, but I feel like I need to try, and I’m worried that you will be upset and judge me.

You’ve been cis and straight and monogamous all your life -- I’m so envious that you remain the way you are and there’s no confusion for you over who you are and what speaks to you. I’m tossing and turning about my identity all of the time. I think I’ll bring it up to you today whether or not I do a good job of explaining it.

[rough-gem]

Long ago I volunteered to help you edit a book you were writing, and for a little while, I did just that. But with everything going on, it was becoming very hard to take care of myself and my responsibilities, let alone help you with anything else. This really ate at you deeply, and you resented me. If you had expressed your feelings back then, maybe I would have tried to put more focus on it... but you never told me it bothered you until it was too late.

You talked to me as if you were my boss, and I failed you. You wanted to write me up, or worse, fire me. I still don’t think you realize how deeply the feeling of failure hurt me. It tore at everything I thought of myself, everything that held me together. I wish something like that wasn’t so painful to me, that not living up to someone’s expectations wasn’t the end of the world. I cry about it more than you could even imagine.

[rough-gem]

I'm trying very hard to live. I'm so destroyed inside I'm finding it impossible to maintain.

I had never felt this way before all these things happened. I feel like I've opened the door to something frightening and dangerous.

[rough-gem]

I wish we could just start over. I wish the past didn't exist.

There was a different feeling last night, after everything happened, and I was crying myself to sleep. You touched me, and it didn't feel so terrible.

I remembered times when you used to be able to hold me, when it actually made me feel better. I used to feel safe with you, until you became the very thing that took that safety away. For that moment, I felt a little bit of that safety again. I don't really know why.

I thought about the small, weak creature that represented the last fragments of our relationship. I thought about it looking up at me with its dark eyes confused, haunted at the notion that I would destroy it. That really tore me apart for some reason, as if I was crushing a newborn, featherless bird in my fist. That will always haunt me now.

I let you press your body against mine while I slept, and I'm not sure if you did it for me, or for you. I just have this feeling that this being over doesn't affect you in the same way that it affects me. Almost as if you have accepted it and you are ready to move on now. That's okay. I feel like I am mourning a death, and I guess I just wished you were grieving too.

I don't think I have an interest in loving anyone ever again. I think I will stay alone. I fear a lot for the safety of my mind. I scare myself every day. I worry for me, deeply.

[rough-gem]

I enjoyed my time skating with you. They were good moments. And it made me happy to see you make new friends. Of course there are good times. The problem is that I think we need more good than is physically possible to outweigh the bad.

There's too much blood in the water. So much poison in the well.

I told you I didn't think I had anymore "try" left. You say you're feeling all of these great new special amazing feelings of wanting to be honest and vulnerable and open -- but does that mean I'm supposed to view you as a new human being? How do I separate the wheat from the chaff? How do I look you in the eye and say, "this man is different from the man I've known for years, and he is as I had always hoped and dreamed"?

I see so many healthy relationships and unhealthy relationships. I don't see many like ours. I don't think it's the way either of us would've hoped it to be. I feel like it's more bad than good.

This is the concept I struggle with. Last year I began to tell myself to trust my gut more -- if something feels wrong, chances are it is wrong. I've allowed myself to suffer internally at the crossroads between Reason and Denial for so long. I make bad choices at my expense -- spending time with people who don't value me, taking paths in my life that bring me more suffering than joy, etc. My heart says to leave, but my mind says that it's a waste of seven years of emotional investment and time.

But emotional investment just isn't a good excuse to subject yourself and those around you to emotional pain.

You said that you were willing to keep trying, but that you didn't know if you had any try in you either. You said that you have been feeling apathetic to my plight until recently. You said that you also feel we can't come back from this. But you want to keep going because you imagine a future with me in it? You're not selling me the idea at all. But you weren't trying to sell it to me.

Then... I suppose it wasn't worth buying. More bad than good.

You say everything feels urgent and you've essentially rushed me to this conclusion but I suppose it wasn't rushed at all. I think it's been months in the making. Maybe years. I've decided to finish it.

I have these past seven years as a small creature in my hands, pale and sickly and glassy eyed, with a heart and a mind yearning to live -- but do we allow it to live in suffering, or do we kill it quickly, out of pity? I imagine it looks up at me knowing it is at my mercy. I am responsible.

[rough-gem]

I was so volatile yesterday. So stormy inside, like I was on the verge of something dark and dangerous and unknown. I cried all day, only sucking up my tears when you came around, because I didn't want you asking me anything.

Explanations half a day later (or days later) without any shred of guilt or regret or apology is not anything I desire whatsoever. This is your pattern. I want nothing to do with a person that makes mistakes and causes pain and walks off with their tail tucked between their legs. Especially after you demand so much more from me.

I was so filled with poison and despair, I know I would have said something I could never take back or walked off the nearest bridge or tied rocks to my feet and dragged them into the nearest lake.

I tried to distract myself with positive things. Read, watch, play. Nothing I did seemed to remove the storm in my chest. I felt feverish and my desire to destroy was beyond comprehension. I had no way to get it out. I scratched and cut away at my skin, which did not help much either.

I felt a little better after a shower, but not by much. You made dinner which I ate though I had no appetite. You watched videos and things we normally watch together though I remained turned away and watched none of it. I wanted nothing to do with it.

I think I have decided to give up. I think we crossed the threshold beyond repair after all of the sad discussions and revelations we have had since I told you about me being a team player with no team. And your jealousy and resentment over my job. And your lies about your sexual behavior. And your ability to just get away with whatever you want because you can just beg for forgiveness and still get the prize at the end of the day.

That's all.

[rough-gem]

I’m trying to acknowledge good days and good moments more deliberately these days. Monday we went on a hike together, and it was such a lovely time getting some real fresh air and seeing deer and lizards and birds and bees and fish and butterflies. I meant to come here and officially slap a stamp of approval on that day, but it was so good it came and went.

But today. Today’s a bad one.

I’m not sure if the stars are just aligned in a way that’s destined today for failure, but I feel like if I ask you to do one simple thing, and I stress to you how seriously important it is to me that you keep to this one simple thing, when you don’t do it even if I’m standing there shouting “WHERE is the (thing) that I told you to keep track of and use when it needs to be used?” and you are still not quite putting it together... it’s not my fault if I’m angry.

And yet, you have nothing to say about it. And when I sound less than pleased only minutes later, you have the audacity to ask, “what’s wrong?”

“I’m annoyed.”

“Why are you annoyed?”

Really...? Because you had one job. Just one. And you didn’t come through when I needed you to come through. And even after explicitly telling you this, you don’t even say that you’re sorry, or that it’s right or wrong. You have nothing to say to me.

It makes me physically SICK that somehow it feels like I’m the villain in this story. It’s as if I begged you not to wash the reds with the whites, and you did it anyway -- now suddenly I’m the asshole with all of the pink clothes.

[rough-gem]

Last night in bed you said you're feeling lonely. I said that's just the way it is sometimes. I know you enjoyed that answer so little that you left the room, but hey. Welcome to my life. It's lonely every single day. I'm the only person that has to carry this uniquely unfortunate weight that is my life... with no one to talk to and no one to help me, quarantined with this vampire of a person that has sucked every last drop of forgiveness from my body.

You're still asleep and I thought about making pancakes. But I don't know if that's more for me, or for you, so I most likely won't even do it at all.