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The Southerners and the Rabbi

During World War II, Private Goldstein was anxious to get married before going overseas, but he was stationed in a small town in South Carolina and couldn't get a furlough. His fiancee, Sadie, was perfectly willing to come to South Carolina, and did so; but once there, a difficult problem arose. Sadie was a pious girl and insisted on being married by an Orthodox Jewish rabbi. In the small town where Goldstein was stationed, however, there were no Jews, let alone Orthodox rabbis. 

They sent for Rabbi Cohen from the Bronx. The good old man agreed to help them in their dilemma; he took a plane to Charleston, and a bus from there to the small town. When he got off the bus, several youngsters in the vicinity were struck speechless at the sight of an aged man with a long, gray beard, curling earlocks, ankle-length black coat, and conservative black fedora.  They had never in their lives seen such an apparition, and they followed after him, running forward once in a while to stare curiously at his face.  More and more children joined the procession until poor Rabbi Cohen found himself leading a full parade.

Losing his temper at last, he whirled at them, shook his fist, and cried out, "What's the matter with you kids!  You maybe never saw a Yankee before?"

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So... Can anybody tell me if this is antisemitic?  Because I legitimately cannot tell...

What?!

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WHEN I REALIZE I'M THE LAST ONE STANDING DURING SHABS SERVICES

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Linda Freeman, “Three German Shepherds”

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going to college and seeing an uncircumsized penis for the first time

credit: anon

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Let me tell you the one thing I have against Moses. He took us forty years into the desert in order to bring us to the one place in the Middle East that has no oil!

Golda Meir, Prominent Jewish Humorist

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The Kaplan Diamond

An old Jewish lady was sitting in the window seat in the first class cabin on a plane from New York to Miami.  The man who was assigned the aisle seat next to her noticed her diamond solitaire ring -- the diamond was the biggest he'd ever seen, more like a rock than a gem, and he knew enough about diamonds to know this one was real and looked flawless.  He couldn't keep his eyes off of it. 

After the flight was well underway, she noticed his gaze and helped him out, "I see you're looking at my diamond." 

"Yes," he admitted, "I couldn't help myself.  It is the most stunning diamond I've ever seen."

"Young man, this is the Kaplan Diamond." 

He responded, "The Kaplan Diamond?  You mean it has a name?" 

"Oh yes.  And the Kaplan Diamond comes with a curse." 

The man was impressed.  "My goodness, that's very interesting. A diamond with a name which has a curse attached to it! Please, if you don't mind telling me, what is the curse?" 

The old lady smiled and said, "Mr. Kaplan."

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The great thing about culturally insensitive jokes is that if you make it about yourself, it’s all good!

But I’m not trying to make an issue out of nothing here. This is a good, funny ad.

Agency: Overdrive Design | Source: Copyranter

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Charlie Seibel, “Giving a Bull an Enema”

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“I was, I guess, a morbid kid. I think it’s that Jewish morbidity that’s morbid but you don’t stop laughing or anything. Like, life is devoid of meaning and full of pain and suffering, but don’t whine about it! We’re always staring into the face of a skull, but like, you know… we could see a movie for a little while and then we wouldn’t be doing that.”

—Daniel Handler

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Jewish Problem #157

When someone wishes you “Shabbat Shalom!” on a Monday.

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How to Make a Match

A shadken goes to see a poor man and says, "I want to arrange a marriage for your son."The poor man replies, "I never interfere in my son's life."

 The shadken responds, "But the girl is Lord Rothschild's daughter." 

 "Well, in that case..."

 Next, the shadken approaches Lord Rothschild. "I have a husband for your  daughter."  

 "But my daughter is too young to marry."  

 "But this young man is already a vice president of the World Bank." 

 "Ah, in that case..."  

 Finally, the shadken goes to see the president of the World Bank. "I have a young man to recommend to you as a vice president."  

 "But I already have more vice presidents than I need."  

 "But this young man is Lord Rothschild's son-in-law."  

 "Ah, in that case...." 

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meat is murder…tasty, tasty murder

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Soy Vay. This is what happens when your house is half-kosher.

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Jewish Problem #156

Weekend morning bagels are ruining your weight-loss goals.