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Day 17

What is the thing you most wish you were great at?

Social interactions, no doubt.  I'm not exactly awful, but I'm not great either.   It's one of the most, if not the most necessary thing to getting around in life, so I really wish I was better at it.

I was a really shy child, so I was always looking forward to becoming an adult where everything would be easier and I would get along with everybody.  That's what I thought, anyway...  As I got a little bit older, I started getting jealous of certain people.  They were always so bubbly and confident, and everyone seemed to like them.  So yeah, I really wanted to be like them, but I just kept hiding in a corner.

The last couple of years, I've gotten a bit more invested in improving my social abilities.  A part of that has been working on my social anxiety, and half a year ago I started on medication as well.  It's getting better, but I'm far from where I want to be.  I guess that feeling won't necessarily go away, since you can always get better at things, but hopefully I won't feel that my social abilities are holding me back as much in the future. 

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Day 16

What's something you always think what if about?

I can't say I have just one very specific thing I think what if about.  That's basically an everyday thing, with thoughts like "I should have done this and said that" in for instance everyday conversation.  I thought that I'd make my answer a bit more interesting by dividing it into past, present and future.

Past

What if I'd never met my abusive ex? Would my anxiety still have gotten worse?  Would I have gotten CFS?  Would I even have caught the mycoplasma infection that led to chronic fatigue?  Where would I be if that didn't happen?  Would I ever have figured out what my sexuality was?  Would he have found someone else to follow everywhere that camp we met if I wasn't there?

I'll never know.  Although I wish that the things that happened wouldn't have happened and that my ex didn't have the past that led to his struggles, I'm still grateful for the things that experience has taught me.  I'm more prepared for handling similar problems in the future and I can relate to and help others with the same kind of experiences.  This experience even gave me a new friendship from bonding over the same trauma and strengthened the friendships I already had.

Present

What if I did this completely crazy thing right now? What if I suddenly fainted in class? What if I jumped off this cliff and broke my legs? What if I pushed a person in front of a car? What if I died?

I would never do any of these kinds of thoughts.  I've been taught that they're the brain's way of identifying and avoiding the extremes in different situations.

Future

What if I started an automated internet business? Would I succeed? Would I even dare? Would I manage to move to a different country for a couple of months if I did?

I'm so unsure about my future.  I want to get an education, but I'm scared that I won't be able to because of my CFS.  How will I get an income without an education?  Is that even a life I want? Half of the time, I think "Yes, definitely, the a4 lifestyle seems like the best thing in the world!" and the rest of the time I think " That's not for me at all and I want to lead an extraordinary life." I always switch between defending the 8-4  hour workweek and not wanting to be a part of it.  I wonder if I would have had these thoughts if I hadn't gotten ill.  

Anyway, I'm both scared and excited about what the future holds.

[sunnivalissy-blog]

Day 15

What's your zodiac/horoscope? Do you think it fits your personality?

This will probably be a short post, because I don't believe in horoscopes.  There's no way people who are born around the same time have the same personality and experience the same things.

Anyway, I'm a libra, since my birthday is on the 5th of October.  I found a page about all sorts of traits that are typical for the libra, and other very scientific suggestions like "Is it true love? Consult a gifted psychic to find out!"

The first paragraph is very general and mostly about diplomacy and harmony, that can fit anyone.  The next paragraph however, begins with "Libra can often be "up in the clouds," and while he or she is amazing at making big plans, follow through can be tricky." This is not me whatsoever.  The thing that amazes me is how people can be so sure about what they want in their lives and make big plans.  I'm mostly a ball of insecurity.

"Libras believe that they're directing their own lives, and they take a big-picture approach in making that life look and feel the best it can be." Once again, not really.  I do believe in creating your bliss and not depending on others to be happy, but I'm never working to make my life "look good".  And is anyone really directing their own lives or are we a result of our environment?

"When Libra falls in love, he or she falls hard." This one was particularly funny to me, as I am demiromantic and barely know what falling in love feels like.  I think this really emphasizes how ridiculous the idea of zodiac signs are.

TL;DR: Libra, no and I think the whole horoscope thing is ridiculous.

[sunnivalissy-blog]

Day 14

What are your strengths? Describe 5.

I thought this one would be easier that yesterday's question, but it definitely isn't.  I'll try to come up with five anyway.

1. Caring I really care about people and animals and will go out of my way to help.  I often need to be reminded that I can't save everyone and that I need to take care of myself.

2. Silly I'm not too scared about being looked upon as weird by my friends and will often do just weird and silly stuff to keep the mood light and connect on a different level.  I don't really know if this is a real strength, because I think this can be true for almost anyone.

3. Willing to improve This is one of the most important things I'm looking for in others, and I really try to live accordingly myself.  I don't think people should change just to get people to like them, but I do think we all have things that we can work and improve on to become the best possible version of ourselves.  That's why I can't stand it when people say "If people don't like me, that's their problem." or "I'm just telling you my honest opinion.  It's your problem if you get hurt."

4. Quick learner This feels like such a generic thing to say in a job interview or something, but I believe I am? I'm not sure if I just spend more time to learn topics properly or if I just understand and remember quickly.

5. I challenge myself I'm not the kind of person to give up when things get difficult.  This might be a bad thing too, since I have pushed myself too far several times.  At the same time, I would have had a lot harder time with my illness and social anxiety if I hadn't kept going and kept challenging myself.  The best example is probably moving to this boarding school, despite everything that has happened.

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Day 13

What are your weaknesses? Describe 5.

1. Me in social interactions I'm way too in my head, worrying about my social abilities and what to say and how to act right, that I sometimes don't pay enough attention to what the other person is saying.

2. Control freak I have a huge need to feel like I have control over a situation, and easily get anxious if I feel like something is completely out of my hands.  

3. I come off as passive aggressive in text I don't really know how to fix this, because I really don't mean to, but most of my guy friends have told me this.  I don't know how and I don't know why only guys think so, but it is something I would like to improve on.

4. I struggle with letting things go Whether it's something that annoyed me or a thought or something completely different, it's so hard to just let it go.  For instance, yesterday I was upset about something triggering a teacher told me that morning, and it kept me upset the entire day.  Either I could've just told someone to vent or told the teacher directly about why it upset me or I could just have accepted that they didn't mean anything bad about it and that they kind of even apologized, and then just let it go. But of course not, it had to bother me the entire day...

5. Hypocrisy This one is pretty much self explanatory. I'm a huge hypocrite.  I tell people to never sleep during the day, but does so myself almost every day.  I tell underweight friends to eat more food more often, and then I suddenly miss two meals one day.  I tell my sister (15) to never bend her finger joint backwards because it's gross, but then I always forget not to crack my fingers around her, which is a pet peeve of hers.  I make all sorts of rules and then I break them myself.  I'm so sorry!  I'm awful...

I really hope what annoys people about me is mentioned in this list, because otherwise poor self awareness should have been added to this list too...

[sunnivalissy-blog]

Day 12

Describe a typical day in your current life.

I wake up around 6 am and my alarm goes off around 6:30 am.  I usually lay in bed for 15-30 minutes before I get up to feed my dog and get dressed.  Around 7:15 am, I take Lissy for a walk that lasts for about 30-40 minutes.  At 8 am, I go to the dining hall and eat cornflakes and pack two pieces of bread for lunch.

After eating and chatting with my friends, we head up for the morning gathering around 8:25 am and get seated in the back of the room.  At 8:30 am, the entire school watches the morning news on TV, that lasts for 3 minutes.  After that, a teacher or a student has a tiny presentation for 10 minutes about something that interests them.  Then we sing a song together, and the teachers can give their messages/announcements for the day.  I usually bring something I can knit or crochet on during the morning gatherings.

We do have different subjects in folk high school, but on Mondays to Wednesdays, we have our so called "line subjects" (directly translated).  I'm a student in the dog line/program/studies (it doesn't really translate very well), so that means we have dog class from 9-11:30 am and from 12:30-2 pm.  We usually have some sort of theory studies before lunch (training principles, dog sports, breeds, dog laws etc.) and go outside to train with the dogs after lunch.  We mostly train towards different dog sports, but sometimes we just practice general obedience or different dog tricks.  I just want to take a moment to say that we in no way harm or scare the dogs, and that the only way we train them is through rewards for good behavior and ignoring or distracting them from unwanted behavior.

During lunch, I go to my room, eat my bread with spreadable cheese and relax.  I usually fall asleep, although I really try not to.

At 3 pm, it's time for dinner (early, right?), so I usually head up to the dining hall around 2:55 pm.  The vegetarian meals in school are really good, and there's always something different on the menu.

After dinner, I go out with my dog for a walk or some sort of activity (today I let her search for treats in the snow) for about an hour.  After that, I usually spend the time between dinner and evening meals doing chores, being social or relaxing.  It's in this period of time I mostly write these blog posts.

At 7:30 pm, I go to the dining hall once again for the evening meal, where I eat a piece of bread with either pesto, peanut butter, honey or spreadable chocolate.  I like to think of it as a kind of dessert when I put on an unhealthy topping.

I usually hang out in the dining hall for about half an hour, just chatting with my friends, before I go back to my room and take Lissy out for her last walk of the day.  I get ready for bed around 9 pm, and usually fall asleep around 9:30 pm.

I really enjoy my everyday schedule, even though it's kind of repetitive.  There's always something new to do in class and someone to hang out with in my spare time.  I also get to vary a lot in how I train Lissy and where I take her for walks, and there's almost always someone to walk with.  I'm really happy about choosing a year in folk high school and I can recommend it to almost anyone.

[sunnivalissy-blog]

Day 11

What's your family like?

As I mentioned in my very first post, I have six siblings.  I'm not sure if they would be okay with me mentioning their names, so I'll just call them by their age.  My oldest brother is 36, my next oldest brother is 34 and my older sister is 31.  They all have a different mother than me, and they moved out when I was very young, but we're still pretty close.  

36 is probably the sibling I meet the least, but he's very kind and funny and we often talk about games, since he plays magic a lot (and is in tournaments and stuff) and I play Hearthstone.  We used to meet 34 a lot more when we babysat his dog (dogsat?), but we still see him for birthdays and stuff, even though his dog passed away.  31 is the sibling we hang out with the most.  She's really kind and caring and has an adorable dog that unfortunately doesn't go along with Lissy (at least not yet).  In addition, she's pregnant, and I'm really excited about becoming an aunt in about a month or so.

My brother who is 26 has autism and is mentally challenged (which I was informed is the politically correct word), so he moved out to a home that takes care of him when he was 10.  I don't remember much from when he lived at home, but apparently it was really challenging and he did not have a good time towards the end and he stopped eating almost completely.  He's having a much better everyday life now with educated people taking care of him and schedule filled with activities he enjoys.

My two younger sisters are 17 and 15.  They're both wonderful and we're really close.  15 is quite similar to me when it comes to interests and way of thinking and some personality traits as well, at least now that it feels like we're closer in age.  17 is a bit more artsy and musical than I am, but we still love to sing and draw together.

My parents are happily married and live in the house they built together for more than 20 years ago, together with my two younger sisters.  I can't wait for going home this Christmas and meet my family again!

I'm really close to my grandmother as well.  She lives in the same town, and I used to go to my grandparents every day after school in primary.  Last year, I visited her at least three times per week and she visited us at least once per week.  She's the kindest and most caring woman I know (in addition to my mother) and she makes the best food I've ever tasted.  My mother is an only child, so I'm very lucky to not have to share her with anyone.

I also have like 25 cousins or something and an uncertain amount of aunts and uncles, but I don't know all of them very well, since we got in contact with them for the first time this February.  They all seem lovely, though, and I'm happy to have them in my life now.

TL;DR: I have a lot of family 

[sunnivalissy-blog]

Day 10

Describe your most embarrassing moment.

This is a difficult topic for me.  Not because I find it too embarrassing, but because I can't remember the embarrassing moments of my life.  I mostly suppress uncomfortable memories and then they randomly come back to me and make me feel anxious again.  Therefore I really can't recall the most embarrassing thing I've done at all, and I thought that I'd list five embarrassing things instead. 

1. Accidentally spitting out a cough drop onto my friend's lap during a movie in the cinema 2. Peeing my pants in school when I was 12 years old because all the bathroom doors were locked and with no spare clothes to change into 3. Forgetting the lyrics to my solo and yelling no into the mic for being mistaken in front of an entire church 4. Introducing myself to someone who apparently was a family member that knew me well 5. Smiling awkwardly at a person and turning away in the exact moment they go in for a hug which resulted in the entire party laughing at me

[sunnivalissy-blog]

Day 9

How important do you think education is?

I could go on forever about the education system, but I'll try to keep it short.  First of all, yes, I think education is important. We would not be where we are today if we didn't have educated people.  So of course I'm grateful for having the opportunity to get an education and that it is free in my country.

However, there are so many problems with the system.  When even I, who was looked upon as the perfect student (silent, followed orders, got good grades etc.) managed to get tired of school and started hating the subjects I used to love, not to mention working myself ill, something is wrong.

I'm not supposed to have a 50-60 hour work week as a 14 year-old, through just school.  The system has grown old and ineffective.  I believe there are better ways to learn that are more personal to each student.  Chasing towards a grade is not learning, although that seems to be the main goal in school.

So although I think education is important, how important is it really when the creativity and motivation to learn is killed? I really hope that in the future we'll have a school that makes everyone feel accomplished and motivated to learn.

[sunnivalissy-blog]

Day 8

What did you eat today?

First of all, I want to talk about what and how I eat.  Since I'm currently living in a boarding school, all the meals, except for lunch on weekdays, are eaten in a dining hall.  The cooks serve fish for dinner on Tuesdays and Thursdays and different kinds of meat dishes the rest of the week, that mostly are made of pork or cattle. Sometimes we have vegetarian days as well.

I've thought about becoming vegetarian before, because I really care for the environment.  However, I'm already struggling to eat enough, and I was scared that I wouldn't manage to eat all the amino acids that are necessary to stay healthy.

I'm quite a picky eater when it comes to meat, and I soon realized that I was struggling with the meat dishes in my school.  When a friend of mine talked about switching to a vegetarian diet in school, because she thought those meals looked better, we soon decided to switch together.  However, still concerned about my health, I was worrying that cutting everything would be really difficult and unhealthy, and therefore we both agreed to become pescatarian.  

So that's what my diet is.

This morning, I was feeling quite ill, and didn't manage to go to breakfast.  However, if I were to go to breakfast, I would have eaten cornflakes with milk and no sugar and a glass of apple juice (still without sugar) on the side.  Since I didn't manage to get out of my bed, I just ended up eating three pieces of sour candy and a small piece of chocolate from my Christmas-calendar.  Not the healthiest start for the day, I'll admit.

For lunch at 1 pm, I ate rice-porridge (if you haven't eaten it before, I'll assure you that it tastes better than it sounds) with butter, sugar and cinnamon and a glass of red squash on the side.  I eat porridge for lunch every Saturday.

At 4 pm, I had an in between meal called "nons" (I'm not really sure what that means) where I ate homemade bread right from the oven with spreadable chocolate on top.

At 7:30 pm, we had pizza for dinner.  The cosplay class in school was having an event where they made dinner and had a show afterwards.  They also set the dress code to drag for the event, so everyone was dressed up with wigs and a incredible amount of makeup during dinner.  I just drew on a tiny mustache and dressed slightly masculine.

The vegetarian pizza was topped with cherry tomatoes, onion, corn and extra cheese and tasted really good.  I managed to get three slices before it was all gone.

After the eventful show, it was time for the dessert.  They gave us plenty to choose from with a table full of muffins, carrot cake, brownies and ice cream.  I ate a muffin with chocolate inside and a brownie, and they both tasted amazing.

TL;DR: I ate food.

[sunnivalissy-blog]

Day 7

What are five pet peeves of yours?

1. Licking one's fingers This is a huge pet peeve of mine.  It's just gross.  Please, don't do it!  The fingers are filled with so many germs and then you fill them with your spit and germs and touch things afterwards. Yuck...

2. Smacking one's lips while eating I don't need to see your food, while I'm eating mine.  I also find the sound uncomfortable and gross.  I try to excuse children for this one, but I'm really struggling when adults do it.

3. Bending the third joint on the finger backwards I don't know why exactly this is a pet peeve of mine, since it's so common and natural.  Still, it's almost like if someone were to break their finger in front of me.

4. Coughing/sneezing into one's hand This pet peeve is kind of the same as the first one, thus about germs and personal hygiene.  It's not even just one's personal hygiene, when that person of course touches everything afterwards, because then it's everyone else's problem as well.  Just why?  It's so easy to sneeze/cough into the elbow instead.

5. People who are unable to take criticism This last pet peeve of mine, is incredibly annoying and probably the worst one of them all.  I'm not trying to hurt anyone, but it seems like I might as well have told these people that they suck.  For instance: Me: Maybe you could do this thing slightly differently? Person: I'LL JUST STOP DOING IT ALL TOGETHER AND NEVER DO IT AGAIN EVER IF YOU HATE IT SO MUCH! The worst thing about this is that you can't tell them that they need to improve on taking criticism, because that would be criticism.

[sunnivalissy-blog]

Day 6

What are your views on mainstream music?

By mainstream music I assume it means popular music that's played on the radio, and in that case, I'm not particularly fond of it.  There are two main things I'm looking for in music: Lyrics with meaning and it being musically impressive or interesting.  In addition, I'm not that happy about a lot of bass or drums. However, there are some exceptions, for instance Believer by Imagine Dragons.  

Anyway, I rarely find any of my preferences in mainstream music.  The lyrics seem to be mostly about love, sex or partying.  The melodies are often monotonous and repetitive.  Furthermore, the bass and the drums are quite often so deafening that it's difficult to hear the other instruments that are being played.

Don't get me wrong.  I often find myself humming to a mainstream song that I still somehow find catchy, and some songs I even like.  However, overall I can't say that I like mainstream music at all.  This doesn't mean that I think that the music I listen to is objectively better or would claim that all mainstream music is trash.  I just simply have different preferences.

Now that I have excluded most of the music out there, what is it left to listen to?  There's still quite a lot.  My favorite artist is probably Dodie Clark (from the YouTube channel Doddleoddle).  I really like how her lyrics are mostly about mental health, her melodies are calm and sweet and she has a lot of different harmonies both with instruments and voices.  My favorite songs from her are When, Intertwined and Secret for the mad.

I'm also really fond of film music.  I particularly like most of the work by Joe Hisaishi, who has written the film music to several of the studio Ghibli films.  I can listen to compilations of his work on YouTube for hours.

I also love musicals.  I particularly like the music in La La Land and Les Miserable.  When I walk my dog by myself, I'll play through the music of an entire musical and it'll feel like I'm watching it again.  For me, it's almost like an audio book.

TL;DR: I don't like mainstream music. The music I listen to is mostly film music, the songs from musicals and some songs/covers from YouTube-artists.

[sunnivalissy-blog]

Day 5

What are the 5 things that make you most happy right now?

This is a hard one, since it mostly depends on how I interpret the question.  Is it the five sources of happiness in this particular moment (that my room is warm, my pillow is soft etc.)?  Is it the things that I'm grateful and happy about in my life in general (that I'm born in a safe family in a safe country, that I have the possibility to get an education etc.)?  Is it small things that I enjoy (movies, cheese, traveling etc.)?

I guess I can choose my own interpretation, and therefore I want to talk about the five main sources of happiness in my everyday life.

1. My dog

Lissy is probably the most incredible being on earth, in a completely objective way. ;) She's a seven year old Portuguese waterdog, and for me she is the perfect companion.  She motivates me to stay active, since she needs several long walks per day, she's playful, she's really smart and fun to work with when we're training and she's really gentle and kind.  I would say that I spend about 6-8 hours on her per day, and it's absolutely worth it.  I get so much in return and she makes me so happy every single day.

2. My friends

All of my friends are absolutely amazing, and I'm so lucky to have them in my life (check out my best friend's blog at noodlesquad.tumblr.com).  They are the sources of so much happiness, whether we are laughing about something at dinner, talking for hours on the phone or just watching shows together.

3. My family

I absolutely love my family and I'm so grateful for all of them.  They're always so helpful, caring and supportive.  I couldn't have wished for a better family.

4. Food

This is kind of a superficial one compared to the other things, but food is in fact a source of a lot of happiness in my life.  Whether I'm eating, making, serving... mostly eating, it tends to make my day better.  I always love trying out new meals and finding new favorites. (My last new favorite was my school's vegetarian lasagna. How does it taste so good?)

5. My iPad

If the previous one wasn't superficial enough, this one definitely is.  However, my iPad is my main source of entertainment.  I watch shows, read, draw, play games and write all of these blog posts on my iPad, so it's definitely an important source of happiness in my everyday life.

What's your main source of happiness?

[sunnivalissy-blog]

Day 4

List 10 things you would tell your 16 year-old self, if you could.

Since I'm just 20, I'm just 4 years wiser.  Therefore I have not acquired that much new life advice. However, there are still some things that could've made my life slightly easier.  Unfortunately, I know myself well enough to know that I probably wouldn't have listened to my advice... I'll give it a go anyway!

1. See a doctor in December 2015.  Around this time, I got a mycoplasma infection. However, I just thought I was tired and kept going.  When I finally got myself to a doctor in the beginning of 2016 and got antibiotics, it was too late.  This was what resulted in me getting chronic fatigue syndrome. 2. You don't need perfect grades and you don't need to study as much to get the grades that you want.  I probably wouldn't have worked myself ill and been so stressed out all the time if I'd been more relaxed about school. 3. Work on your social anxiety with a therapist.  I did actually go to a therapist when I was 16, and it did help, but I got far from enough help.  This is something I'm still struggling with. 4. Stay away from my ex.  If I hadn't met him when I was 16, none of the traumatic experiences with him would have happened. 5. Do less and enjoy the things you're doing.  I was constantly stressed out because I was constantly doing stuff.  This could've been avoided if I'd prioritized better.  Maybe I wouldn't have gotten CFS either.

These first 5 things are mainly things I would've done to prevent the things that have happened to me. However, if we assume things are supposed to go the way they went and the only thing I could change is how it felt, my list would be more like this.

6. Talk to someone about how your boyfriend (when you turn 17) treats you.  You don't have to carry it all by yourself. 7. You're not a burden. 8. You're good enough.  You don't need to exceed in everything. 9. Remember to take care of yourself when you're ill.  You can't do anything without your health. 10. See the good things in everything and everyone, but don't let the good things excuse the bad things. You're allowed to cut contact with people and stop doing activities if the bad outweighs the good.

[sunnivalissy-blog]

Day 3

Tell about a book you love

I wasn't sure what book to choose, because there are so many books that I love.  Ever since I was a child, I've read a lot of books.  It wasn't until I got CFS that I started reading less. However, I would say that Harry Potter and The Giver are my favorite book series.  Therefore I want to talk about the last book in The Giver quartet, called Son.

Son is divided into three parts called Before, Between and Beyond.  The setting begins in the same dystopian world and town that we got to know Jonas from the first book in, but this time we meet Claire.  Her assignment is Birth Mother and we meet a quite unpleasant part of their society.  Due to complications during her birth at age 14, she accidentally figures out which child is hers, and spies on the assigned family in secret.  When the child disappears during night, her insistent search for him begins.  Towards the end of the end of the book, all the previous books are tied together in a symbolic fight against the evil that threatens their society.

The reason I love this book so much is not just because of Lois Lowry's incredible writing, the heartwarming characters and the intriguing plot.  I also love how it's so incredibly symbolic and thought provoking.  It's just completely different from any other book I have read, and I would definitely recommend this quartet to anyone.

[sunnivalissy-blog]

Day 2

Describe 3 legitimate fears you have and explain how they became fears.

The word legitimate was what made today's topic so heavy. I could've talked about my irrational fear of staplers as a result of the children's show Totally Spies!, but I decided to get deep.  I hope you enjoy it, and even if you don't, I promise that tomorrow's question is a bit more lighthearted.

Presentations 

Social interactions in general make me anxious, but "performing" in front of a crowd is even worse.  Even though I've always been shy, I didn't have a problem with performing and holding presentations as a child.  

In preschool, I got the main role in a play, and I loved it.  All the people watching didn't bother me at all, and I proudly remembered and said all my lines. 

The first 4-5 years of school, I was always the one to put my hand in the air when the teacher had a question or wanted someone to read out loud.  I generally loved the attention and really wanted to be "the perfect student". However, things started to go downhill around the time I hit puberty.  I stopped raising my hand completely, and holding presentations made me gradually more anxious.

"Don't worry," the teachers told me. "You just have to practice, and you'll get used to it. The nerves will go away."

I believed them.

There were more than enough opportunities to practice holding presentations throughout middle school, with several assignments per month. However, the nerves didn't go away. As a matter of fact, they just got worse.  Pretty soon, it sounded like I had something stuck in my throat and was about to cry during every presentations. It was genuinely really embarrassing letting my entire class see me like that again and again. After every presentation I got the same feedback. "The content is good. You just need to raise your voice. I can't hear you." 

Raising a voice that was naturally quiet and about to cry, just seemed silly to me, but I kept that to myself.

Towards the end of middle school, I started asking to hold my presentations in front of the teacher in private.  Generally the teachers were okay with that, and some of my nerves were relieved.  However, it was still incredibly uncomfortable.

When I started high school, I kept asking to keep my presentations for just the teacher.  I thought the problem was solved, but even this started to get worse. My hands got cold, my heart was racing and my eyes were fighting to keep the tears away.

Towards the end of my freshman year, I had a presentation with a friend in front of my Spanish teacher. As usual, I was racing through my lines with a choked voice, just trying to get it over with. Suddenly she interrupted me. "Sunniva, just relax! It's not dangerous!" 

I had had enough, and I just kept crying and crying. I tried to keep going, but I wasn't able to. 

Half a year later, I got a mycoplasma infection that resulted in chronic fatigue syndrome, and since that, all of my presentations have been prerecorded.  I simply didn't have the energy to battle my anxiety as well.

Now that I'm in a school with no grades, no pressure and a class with just 10 students, I think this might change.  In fact, it is changing.  Social interactions have been a lot easier after I started with medication this summer, and I've already managed to hold a mini presentation in front of my class and play the piano in front of 200 people several times.  I really hope this development continues and that I'll be able to hold actual presentations soon.

Losing someone I love 

This one is pretty much self explanatory.  No one wants to see their loved ones die.  When I was younger, I was so scared of growing up. This wasn't because of the increased responsibilities, the deadly amount of homework and facing the unknown.  It was simply because I knew growing older meant that everyone I know will be getting older as well and eventually die. I wasn't ready for that.  I'm still not ready.

Losing my grandfather was the hardest time of my life, and I fear the day it'll happen again. I basically live in denial nowadays and try to convince myself that the people around me will live forever or that I'll die before them, although I know that it's not true.  However, when the alternative is living in fear and crying over someone's death while they're still alive, isn't it better to live happily in denial?

The future 

I've never liked the future.  As I've already mentioned, a part of that is the fear of losing my loved ones.  In addition, the lack of control over the unknown is terrifying.  The fact that I got CFS, definitely didn't make this any better. When my mind is a cloud and I'm unable to reach for my thoughts, planning for the future seems impossible.

Furthermore, how am I supposed to know what I want to do with my life, if I don't know if I'll be healthy enough to be capable of working?  What kind of study will I be able to attend when I get ill after a couple of hours in an auditorium? 

Therefore, I never plan for more than one year ahead. When I got sick, I knew that I wouldn't be able to finish high school normally, so I completed the subjects of the senior year over two years instead. After that, I knew I wanted to attend folkehøgskole (folk high school, which is a kind of boarding school).  I'm not sure about next year, but I'll probably have another year without studies and try to get a job.

Once again, congrats if you read all the way through!  I definitely need to practice keeping it short.  What are your fears?  Can you relate to any of my fears?

[sunnivalissy-blog]

Day 1

Hi! I've never really thought blogging would be something for me, but my friend started off a blog with a Q&A for 30 days, and as usual I decided to copy her.

After researching blogging, I figured I don't really fit into the common reasons to blog. I don't want to improve my writing, nor do I want to become "famous". Furthermore, I don't have a particular topic that I'm dying to share with the world. I simply wanted to have a project and practice putting words to my thoughts.

Since I don't have a particular topic, I've found two lists with 30 questions/topics for 30 days where I'll choose one of the questions per day for a month.

Here we go!

List 20 random facts about yourself.

1. On the 5th of October in 1998, I was born blue. Apparently there were some complications and I was lacking oxygen during the birth. Thus I came into this world as a smurf. 2. I've never had a brain freeze in my life. It's quite a simple thing, but still everyone gets shocked when I tell them. I'm starting to wonder if the blood vessel that leads to my brain isn't as close to my throat as it's supposed to. 3. I recently donated 91 grams of my hair. I was researching how to help the society this summer, but most of the suggestions were either too time consuming or too expensive. I was left with donating blood or hair, and since I'm not allowed to donate blood, I decided to cut my hair. I've always had hair that reaches to my hips, but now it's right above my shoulders. 4. I can't lie. First of all, it's a very important principle for me to always be honest or just tell bits of the truth if that's what's needed to not hurt someone. However, I don't think I would be very convincing even if I tried to tell a lie. My honesty sometimes drives my friends mad, but overall I think they're happy about it. 5. I have red hair and blue eyes. I've read that it's the most rare combination of hair color and eye color. I don't know if it's true, but at least it's something that sets me apart from the crowd. 6. I've never gotten drunk. I've tasted alcohol, but I've never really seen the point in getting used to something that tastes bad and is unhealthy as well. This might change in the future, but I'll stay sober for now. 7. I have six siblings. No, I'm not a mormon and no, I'm not amish. We're simply a huge family in a country with an average of 1,73 children per woman. 8. I'm a quarter Swedish. The rest of me is Norwegian, although I'm sure a genetics test would tell me otherwise. 9. I've never been outside of Europe, but I've visited 13 different countries. However this will change during next year. If I keep going with this blog, I'll come back to this topic. 10. I didn't know my biological grandparents until last February. My dad and his twin brother were adopted as babies by my grandparents. Last Christmas he decided to find out who his biological parents were. As it turned out, his mother was still alive, but dying from cancer. Just a few days later we were on a plane to meet her before she left the world. It was an incredible journey and my dad now has 6 more siblings and I have 25 more cousins. Turns out having many children runs in the family... 11. Most of my dreams are absurd or psychedelic. I know that everyone has weird dreams, but I have the feeling that people get genuinely concerned about my mental health after listening to my dreams. However, I just find it interesting and can definitely recommend to write dream-diaries to others, as I did for a year myself. 12. English and PE have always been my weakest subjects in school. This makes it kind of ironic to write this blog in English, so please excuse me if my grammar is off. 13. The first time I moved in my life was last August. My parents built their house just three years before I was born and I've lived there my entire life. However, this fall I moved to a type of Norwegian boarding school called "folkehøgskole" where there are no tests, nor any grades, and you have a year to figure out what to do with your life while you have fun doing what you love the most. 14. I love cheese.  Cheese is definitely one of the most wonderful things on earth. Sadly Norway has very few good cheeses to offer in common grocery stores, so whenever I travel outside the country, you know what I'll be eating! 15. My MBTI personality is INFJ.  At least that was my result, although I can only dream to do as much good to the world as the people used as examples for this personality type. However, I do relate to a lot of the traits that characterize INFJs, for instance following my principles (as mentioned in fact 4), so I guess that's the correct personality type for me after all. 16. I was one of the last children in my class to stop playing. I don't know why, but the other girls in my class started wearing makeup, hanging out and just talk during recess from fifth grade. Meanwhile my friends and I kept playing in the sand and snow for another few years until it gradually faded away during middle school. 17. I had PFAPA from the age of 1 until right after I turned 13. It won't surprise me if you haven't heard about PFAPA before. In fact, it will surprise me if you have. The first two letters are short for periodic fever which is basically what it is. I had a fever for 4-5 days once per month. I also had a headache, stomachache and enlarged lymph nodes, which made my neck stuck slightly tilted to the left. 18. After that I was healthy for 4 years until I got CFS. How I miss those 4 years... When I was 17, I got a mycoplasma infection around this time of the year, but I only noticed getting a bit more tired. Therefore, I didn't go to the doctor for another month when it got really bad. After some time with antibiotics, I didn't get better and revisited the doctor's office. That was the start of my Post Infectious Fatigue which goes within the umbrella term Chronic Fatigue Syndrome (CFS). 19. I'm demiromantic. For the longest time I was convinced I was asexual. However, two things were wrong about this: 1. I didn't understand the difference between romantic and sexual attraction, and 2. As a demiromantic, I had never gotten close enough with any guy to experience that kind of attraction. That changed when I was 17, and I had to revisit the labels I had put on myself.  I'm pretty sure my labels will have changed again in ten years time. 20. I absolutely love dogs. My dog is the best creature in the universe, in a completely objective way. ;) My daily life today is mostly about her, because the school I chose (as mentioned in fact 13) is about dogs and dog sports. I don't think I could have chosen anything better, and I love her and all the other dogs here so much. I'll probably talk more about dogs here sometime.

Congrats for reading all the way through! And if you just scrolled to the bottom, that's okay too. Hopefully you got to know me a little bit better and found some of it interesting.