#& honestly they make me feel so ashamed of myself & sometimes i hate the fact i’m like this & even have this blog

[amazingmsme]

Uh, yeah I’ll give you one better

Works better than any tag system ever could! 😊

[formulatrash]

Hi Hazel! You have no idea how much I hate being a burden, but I’ve finally found a way to ask this question anonymously to someone in the same field who can understand me well.

How can I tell if I’m not a good writer? How can I tell if this feeling is real and I need to move on because writing isn’t my thing, or if I’m just experiencing writer’s block?

I’ve been writing about motorsport for a long time, and I’m still not sure if I can call myself a writer. I’ve worked for many places, some of which treated me as if I were the best, while others treated me as if I were a ghost - as if I weren’t even there.

English is not my first language, so sometimes I use a paraphraser to help me use punchier words. I’m ashamed to say this. I’m totally against AI. I’ve never used a chatbot before and have no idea how to use one. I’m just not confident in my word choice… I’m not even confident in myself. I always feel like a fraud and that I don’t deserve to work at a good place because I use that thing. I mean, how can I call myself a writer when I can’t even write a sentence on my own? And to make things worse, I’m a very slow writer. The only good thing is that when I write, I truly write from the bottom of my heart.

I’m at my lowest point right now. I just want someone to throw it in my face and tell me I’m not good at this because it’s really exhausting to “think” otherwise.

Hello anon,

I’m really sorry that you’re feeling this way. I think, if it’s any comfort, that there is no one who writes who doesn’t feel this way on occasion - except for, probably, genuinely bad writers. Please feel free to get in touch with me in private if you want to talk more; my email’s southwellhazel at gmail dot com and obviously, I’m not going to expose you.

Firstly: writer’s block is brutal. Even news writing can feel like dragging yourself through mud to try and do it when you’re in that funk. Again, I think that every writer, especially the good ones, goes through long periods of the fog descending and nothing seeming to click. I’ve looked back at things I wrote during writer’s block periods and realised they had worth, in fact are some of my better pieces, even though I couldn’t stand to look at or think about them at the time. 

(this one about F1 fan safety was during a terrible, terrible period of it; I felt editorially sidelined, my pieces kept getting rewritten heavily and I was incredibly low. I got really angry and had to have a fight to publish it, then felt like I’d wasted a battle because it was such a weak piece - looking back, it’s in fact quite good)

If you’re writing about anything, you’re a writer. There’s lots of people who will try and gatekeep that and my god, I hate every single fucker who contributes to threads and volumes and snooty little pieces about the magical art of writing. It’s literally just putting one word in front of the other and hoping someone else understands it. Which doesn’t make it easy but a lot of people really up the sense of the difficulty and what it means to have achieved some kind of hallowed writer’s status when honestly, it’s just a word for someone who puts other words together. 

I was talking to some people at hack drinks about this, a guy said how do you get up and just keep doing it when a lot of what you do feels pointless and I was like well: master woodworkers spend a lot of time putting up shelves. Sometimes they are lovely, beautiful shelves that people really appreciate in their homes but nonetheless, they are shelves. Once in awhile, there’s the job that actually asks for the master woodworking skills and they get to do all the fancy bits and they’re no worse at doing that for all the days they put up shelves.

Using a paraphraser doesn’t make you a bad writer. We wouldn’t be surprised if someone in another trade used a tool to improve the way they worked, why would it matter in writing? People get very silly about this; writing is a trade and a craft and what matters a lot of the time is accuracy. No one would be disappointed to see an architect take measurements. Using tools like spellcheck and paraphrasers and dictionaries is just the same as using house style or any of the other rules of writing that people get oddly passionate about.

English isn’t really my first language (in chronological order it’s more like my fourth) and honestly, most of the way I write is “wrong.” I don’t understand grammar terms (literally not a fucking clue what the pluperfect is) and I overuse parentheses, commas, dashes, etc. The only piece of pronunciation I can deploy accurately is the semi-colon; although most style guides recommend not using them. English is a bastard language and you can hack it all you like - please never feel like English proficiency is a particular barrier to writing in it. 

[edit: amazing that I managed to type 'pronunciation' instead of 'punctuation' above, proving my own point]

A lot of drivers speak in broken English and even the ones it’s a first language for often use repetitive phrases But we can all understand what they mean; sometimes it doesn’t need to be more than that. 

So: how can you tell if you’re good? Well, do you get up most days and write something? Congratulations, you’re doing better than the majority of writers. Do your pieces get published and read? Again, you’re over a hurdle many fall at. 

Some of the greatest writers of all time have been extremely slow. I’m an unnaturally fast writer because literally every thought that enters my head hits the page but that doesn’t mean most of them should be there. You are not in a race to be able to do it and trying to push yourself for speed is likely to make you more burned out and blocked and frustrated. 

Lots of things make a good writer: sometimes, just hitting deadlines is what’s needed. I admire people who can do that because I absolutely fucking can’t. Sometimes it’s being able to transcribe the podium quotes in real time, my one actual skill. Sometimes it’s even the moment where you turn in a few paragraphs and think fuck yeah, I’m writing-writing 

and then you open another document and are confronted with trying to describe a KIA hatchback and you’re like. Fuck me, I’m awful at this. I don’t know what a car is. What the fuck am I doing here.

Writing, especially in the internet age, is a fairly thankless task; people don’t tend to tell you when you’re good at it as much as they attack and pick holes in it. We’re probably not meant to get this much feedback, it’s literally bad for the human brain. 

But listen: if you’re writing about motorsport, especially if you’ve been doing it for awhile, then you’re a writer and you’re doing well. If you’re writing from the bottom of your heart then I have no doubt that shows and if you’re writing for the love of it, then that does too.

There are terrible writers who get good gigs purely because they aren’t wracked with these anxieties. It definitely doesn’t sound like you’re one of them; you clearly care deeply about your writing and that’s not a flaw. Sometimes, it’s really hard to love what we write - especially on the day-to-day - but I am certain anything you think about this much, anything you worry over this much, is a better piece than someone who goes into it without that care and attention and thought. 

And all of that comes from you, a good writer.

[nicosavior456]

Adventures of Chika Hanabusa: The Restoration of Earth

Disclaimer: This book follows the events of Percy Jackson and Heros of Olympus fanfic, this fanfic will not include Trails of Apollo, The Kane Chronicles, and Magnus Chase.

Chapter 24: Gaia’s Guilt

Chika PoV

I went to sleep after the reunion party after Nico dropped the both of us back to my home even though it was the afternoon. I felt myself going back to the unconscious realm. The field is still full of different flowers and plants. I never thought that this place could be pretty. Guess who decided to appear before me, it’s the same being that terrorizes innocent people. Gaia seems to be wearing jeans with a green tank top. Her humanoid form is about 7 feet tall with brown hair similar to tree roots and she does have the hugest bust I see. I'm not going to lie, she's super attractive.

“Oh, why to thank you, demigod, for the compliment, I’m glad that you found me appealing. By the way, I heard everything from this reunion party” Gaia stares at me with tearful eyes. Oh no, she can hear my thoughts. Wait why does Gaia look sad than flight out evil or angry? She suddenly pulls me in for a hug and kisses my cheek. Wait what is going on, last time she was all like 'I hate humanity'? I think Mother got her crazy mood swings from Gaia, that's what makes Gaia scary. It's the fact that I'm dealing with a rated-R version of my mother.

"You poor children, I never know your godly parents are nothing but deadbeat failures. This entire time, I just victimized another species that were harmed by those golden-blooded idiots. I honestly just assumed your kind are nothing but a bunch of glory-seeking idiots like back in classical times like Achilles, Hercules, and other selfish heroes." Gaia kept hugging me to her chest, which was surprisingly comfortable.

“I wish you give demigods a chance before you start another war," I say in an annoyed tone. Gaia holds her chin as if she is rethinking her strategy in some checkers' game. Gaia just decided to give me another cheek kiss and kept on hugging me to death. What is with the Earth being very bipolar? Gaia is super confusing; Well, I guess even she is more alien than the gods themselves. Sometimes nature can be warm and sweet like a sunny day with birds flying everywhere and suddenly earthquakes and tornadoes happen the next second.

“Perhaps I should have, but I still want your kind to stop damaging and polluting my domain.”

“Of course, I do want to save the Earth from pollution, but I'm not going to kill demigods or humans to achieve that," I say assertively while Gaia just pats my head.

“We don’t need to do that anymore. Besides your kind burned me for it, so I learn my lesson" Gaia laughs at her joke while I facepalm.

“I’m not sure what to feel about you Gaia and I know that you are not sure about me. Maybe we can try to form a partnership. We need to trust each other; I don’t want to go through that scenario when you possess me to eat gods.” Gaia just starts sitting in front of me and staring at me, but it’s not in contempt. She looks deeply ashamed and remorseful about it.

“You’re right, we do need to trust each other. I’m very sorry that I possessed you to consume Nyx’s kids that day and that I won’t possess you again. This will be a very slow process.”

“You’re right, it will be a slow process. I’m willing to forgive you for that day, but I don’t want to go through that again. Please swear on the river Styx that you will never possess me to harm others again.” I bowed before while she still stared at me.

“Whatever you want mortal, I swear on the river Styx that I will only help you if your life is in danger and by your permission to do so.” Thunder strikes between us, signifying the pact between Gaia and me.

"Now then mortal if you are serious about your goal, seek the current Lord of The Wild, Grover Underworld. He has taken Pan's spot, and you must help him on his mission.” Gaia says in a low cracking tone that sounded like tremors.

“I will seek him, thank you for the meeting.” I still bowed while Gaia walked over to me and held me up like a little kid. She is super strong; I would not want to get into a fistfight with her.

"Now go mortal, I hope you are better than the others. Help me restore my realm. "She said and suddenly I woke up on Reyna's chest while she was sleeping on the couch. She must have taken a nap as well. I have no idea how I ended up sleeping on Reyna's chest. I guess the party took a lot from us. You know what, I'm still going to lay on Reyna's chest because Reyna looks super peaceful while she takes her nap. Plus, I don't want to be an annoying jerk to her, I proceed to lay my head on her boobs and try to fall asleep again. Gaia and I are still at an uneasy truce for now but maybe our relationship will improve with time.

[stellaluna33]

I saw the post about your mom telling you that you’d been a bright child and the potential people knew you had, how she likely meant it and how you interpreted that. Trust me I get not feeling as though you live up to this “potential” and the life you could be living, but are you relatively happy (or at least somewhat content) with your current life?

I know I don’t know you and I’m a) not trying to push any amount of toxic positivity on you b) aware that anything you share online might not be true and also isn’t always the full picture

However, of what I’ve seen you share about your life, you seem like such a talented and cool person! Your belle époque gown was phenomenally crafted! Working in a field that at least marginally suits your interests. What you share about your family, makes them seem great. Maybe not, but you’re probably a great parent and you and your husband seem well-suited together and respectful. Even if it’s not what you expected/wanted/whatever else, are you overwhelmingly disappointed or upset about the majority of factors in your life that you had a choice in?

Again I really know nothing about you, but I have a lot of respect for the person you have shared. If you see this, I hope it doesn’t come across poorly or upset you at all; and if it does, I’m really sorry. Have a good day and hope for still waters ahead!

This is so kind of you! 🥺 You are of course right. I DO have a lot to be thankful for! And I don't hate my life. We have our issues and arguments just like any human beings, but I am genuinely happy and in love with my spouse, and while I don't think I can say whether I'm a "great parent" or not (I'm certainly not perfect, and I know I make mistakes), I certainly do TRY (my kids do tell me I'm a good mom, but they're young, and I feel like I'm bracing myself for when they're older and say, "You ruined my life!" 😅😭)... But I'm unemployed right now (partly to spend more time with my kids, but partly for a variety of mental and physical health problems) and technically a "housewife," and like... I SEE the things people (mostly other women, honestly) say about people like me (I'm a "leech" or a "whore" or a "kept woman" or a "tradwife" or some kind of tragic victim) and sometimes I feel embarrassed and ashamed of it. But I SHOULDN'T! There is nothing ACTUALLY shameful about the life I have! But I live in a society that only values people if they're making money, and I am not.

When I was younger, I always sneered at the jokes about women going to college to "get their M.R.S. degree," (aka find a husband) but the cold, hard facts about my life are that I did meet the love of my life in college, and that I ended up dropping out because my mental health just fell apart. And I'm EMBARRASSED of this. (Should I be? Intellectually: no. But I am.) All my friends from college went on to have thriving careers, and I always feel "less than," and when we catch up, I feel like I have nothing to say about myself that they would respect. (Do they actually feel that way? I don't actually know) I know I talk a big game about "not caring what other people think of me," but I do. I TRULY and PASSIONATELY believe that human beings should not be defined by their "productivity," but I guess I have a hard time believing it about myself.

My life did not go the way I planned it. But what I have is Good. I was going to be a Professional Artist! But... my brain broke. I've been told that I have musical talent and a beautiful singing voice! But I've choked at every single audition I've gone to. 😂. I do have talent (and thank you for reminding me), but it only benefits myself and my immediate family and friends (I include YOU! 🖤). And my life isn't over! I want to go back to work when I can (though it would probably only be for minimum wage) and maybe I'll finish my degree someday, if I can get past my academic trauma... Who knows? Maybe I'll be like Grandma Moses or something. 😂 But... In the meantime, I have a quiet life with people I love, and get to use my creativity to bring joy to my friends. And that is no small thing. That is a Good Life. Thank you for reminding me! 🖤

[the-character-lounge]

[Spinel opens up a bit about his issues with self worth and identity, but still doesn’t understand his genderfluidity]

Spinel stared at him again. "... It just takes time to... process, is how you said earlier, yeah?" There was another sigh, then a groan as he sat up and stretched, feeling stiff. "Mmthink about it... I have all this money, but what am I spending most of it on?"

“W- Well um..” Randy rubbed the back of his head. “.. I- I actually.. d- don’t know.” He looked down at him, rubbing in a soft circle. “.. wh- what do you th- think you’re spending m- most of it o- on?”

"Sure as fuck isn't me." he grumbled. "Maybe at first. But then after--" he grit his teeth a moment, then shook his head, "Hah, once I started the business, that's where it mostly goes. To the Jewels." He looked at Randy, "With a few exceptions, I took you on a Jewel's day out. With a few personal touches."

Randy blushed a bit, and smiled. “.. th- that was very sw- sweet of you,” he replied, leaning down and giving him a quick gentle kiss. “A- And I’m v- very grateful y- you did that f- for me..” he softly moved his hoof up from Spinel’s belly and over his chest.

"It wasn't sweet." he grunted, but leaned back to enjoy the attention of Randy's hoof. "I just want to feel like I have something worth spending on again."

Okay, how could he not see that that was sweet? He was honestly flattered, even though Spinel was implying he did it more for himself then for him. “.. Y- You know.. even though y- you do things m- more for you.. i- it doesn’t change th- the fact that it was a n- nice a- and kind thing to do,” he replied, rubbing the middle of his chest tenderly.

"Hah, no, you're right. I would have sold my soul to get treated like that! And I expect just a little loyalty in exchange but they still hold it for granted sometimes..." He grit his teeth, thinking back to Buttercup for example. Things only kept getting worse and no matter how much he spoiled her and gave her everything she needed she still... He took a breath. ".... I'm just putting my expectations of myself on other ponies." He said it so quietly, it was almost hard to make out, but just almost.

 Randy gently rested his hoof on Spinel’s chest. “.. a- and that’s because y- you see their potential.” He looked into his eyes and smiled kindly. “A- And, you want th- them to s- succeed l- like you have, b- because you see th- they are j- just as passionate as you.. s- stop me if I- I’m wrong.”

 "You are." He glared off a moment. He felt so fucking ashamed of himself over this, how could he explain when he couldn't even explain it himself? He paused, bit his lip. "...I.. Ghh.... Want... to succede through them. Because I..." he choked a moment, then spat out with venom, "Because I can't!"

Randy was taken aback from this. “.. y- you feel like you c- can’t s- succeed?” he asked, both bewildered and confused. How could he feel like he couldn’t succeed? Couldn’t he see how far he had come, and all the things he should proud of?

"...Not like how they can." He bit his lip, shaking his head. "I don't fucking know. Just like those kids. I fucking hate them but I still feel like it's my hard work and my efforts that they're like that. Jealous of my own creations, isn't that just the most fucked up, pathetic, piece of shit thing to do?" He laughed again, the laughing seeming more a coping mechanism than anything else at this point. The louder the laugh, the further he was pushing the bad things waaaay down in to the boiling pit that was his inner volcano of fury.

The laughter was so out of place.. but he knew Spinel was trying to cope with… everything. ‘What did he do to you?’ he thought to himself angrily, feeling like he might cry. He leaned down, and hugged Spinel tightly, softly petting the back of his head. He didn’t know how to respond.. he didn’t think he would be able to. But his mind raced as he embraced him. He wanted a miracle answer to just pop into his head.. but no such luck. All he could do was hold him. And he felt like a bastard for not being able to say anything meaningful or that would help somehow.

There was a numbness in response to the hug, then tense, then relaxing. Hugs still confused him, it took him the longest time just to convince himself there were more kinds of hugs than post punishment and sexual. He reflected even Whistle had that problem originally, the horrible debate of 'do I sit and take it or do I do something in return?' He reached out and hugged back, mimicking how Randy had been hugging. He wondered if it was his turn to ask things. Well, might as well get to the core of the problem. ".. What about me upsets you the most?"

Randy softly nuzzled his neck, and sighed a long breath out his nose. “… th- the fact that.. you n- never seem t- to be… truly happy.” He buried himself a bit more into him and mumbled. “.. I- I just.. want you t- to be happy.” He kept hugging him, not wanting to let go. “.. A- And you never s- see you h- how I see you…” he bit his bottom lip, and gently rubbed his back. “.. y- you don’t see the good th- that’s buried u- under all th- that anger…”

 "Hap--" he paused. Of all the things to say, it had to be something he couldn't control or find some way to fix? He took a few deep breaths, ears flattening. "Well. I showed you what I saw of you. How's that working out for you?" He frowned at Randy's outfit for emphasis.

“.. Th- That’s because… I- I had to.. punish m- myself.” He softly pulled away, his eyes a bit misty. “.. I- d- did something wrong l- last night… I- I’m not sure wh- what it was… b- but I did something wr- wrong… a- and I h- had to p- punish m- myself…” He knew that didn’t make a whole lot of sense, but this was hard for him to explain. Fuck, it was like they spoke two different languages half the time..

"... By wearing shit?" he wrinkled his nose. "You know, if you smell shit and feel like shit it doesn't make the shit go away when you fucking drown yourself in it as a solution." He rolled his eyes.

Randy scratched the back of his head. “… n- no it’s not… j- just the.. the clothes…” he rubbed his temple. “… I- It’s what th- they represent…” he sighed. “.. h- how can I dr- dress l- like some pony I- I’m n.. not?” He pointed to his clothes. “.. th- this is who I am.. i- isn’t it? J- Just some… jumpy, anxious mess, wh- who wears cheap bowties a- and suspenders…” he wrinkled his brow, a sad look washing over his face. “… I.. didn’t feel like I- I deserved th- the kindness y- you’ve shown m- me… th- that’s a- all..”

"...Then burn them so you stop trying to fucking wear them and be somepony else." He looked away bitterly. Randy had no idea how seriously he took outward appearance.

“… i- is that wh- what you did?” he asked, looking at him curiously. “… w- with the clothes… d- did you do that b- because… because you feel like y- you have to b- be something y- you’re not?”

 "Wh---" he choked up, then started coughing. Then laughing. It was a very familiar laugh, like that time from days ago when Randy thought he was making fun of something he'd said. First quiet, then building in to a full, over-emphasized hollar of laughter.

Randy shrunk a bit, recognizing it right away. But… he had to be on to something. He didn’t care of Spinel made fun of him, he was going to find out one way or another why he had said what he said. “… Sp- Spinel..” he softly touched his cheek. “.. I- I’m not h- here to hurt you… I- I’m asking qu- questions. L- Like you asked me t- to. S- So talk to me…” he softly stroked his cheek, trying to calm him.

His laughter slowed, and he breathed, "I don't... Haaaah, I don't know any more. I felt pretty fucked up earlier. Sometimes I just do. Mmhahahaa, I need... I need something to relax I can't- deal with this-" He rapidly tapped his back hoof, it looked like a lot of pain and anger was storming in his head.

“.. C- Can you try t- to talk to me f- first?” Randy asked, petting his mane gently. “.. w- without.. th- the additives?” His eyes were full of concern. “.. wh- who b- burned away w- with those clothes S- Spinel?”

His eyes widened at the question, and he felt his breath catch in his throat. It caused a few gasping sounds, and the tears that would have formed only boiled in to a hot steam deep inside. He pulled himself away quickly and got up to pace, shaking his head rapidly.

Randy softly tapped his hooves together, and looked away. “… s- sorry.. I- I was just.. asking questions….” he swallowed and stayed sitting, even though he was growing more uncomfortable in his own skin. He hadn’t meant to.. upset him. He sighed softly and turned to look out the window, and he watched the world outside, just trying to forget himself.

"I don't-- fucking know--!!!" it came out in a sudden burst through the silence. It hit like a tidal wave of emotions and he stood in place with his legs locked as he shouted with his eyes clenched shut, head still shaking. "Some days I just feel fucking monstrous and others I'm on top, but then other times I'm ashamed of being on top, then I'm angry about it because I start feeling like worthless trash and I just want to feel admired and wanted I--- FUCK.....!!!" He crumpled there, sitting on his haunches and breathing heavily as he trembled and choked up.

Randy wanted to get up, but he didn’t know how Spinel would react to any more comfort. It looked like he needed to vent, to just get it out of his system. “.. Y- You don’t kn- know how to feel.. d- do you?” he asked nervously, softly tapping his hooves together. Keep asking questions, just like Spinel had asked. He was talking things out, he just needed some pony else to ask the questions.

 "I never do...!" he stamped a hoof, his head shaking slowing down as he focused on gulping air. "I only know how to feel angry about everything, there's no room for anything else unless I'm on something!!" He pointed at himself, "You know when I'm happy? You want to fucking know?! When I'm alone with a piping hot cup of fantasies, that's when!"

"... th- that's.... " his voice trailed off. He couldn't say it. He wanted to, but he couldn't. Something was holding him back, and he wanted to... Say something. Anything. but... He couldn't find the words.... Or at least, words he wanted to say instead of what he needed to say.

 It was a heavy outburst, but he was tired from all the earlier outbursts and incidents and overall it just left him with a pulsing headache as he breathed and slouched. He gave a sniffle and a throat clear before wobbling up to his hooves, quietly throwing himself on the couch again and burying his face in to Randy's hip. "I get it. I'm an impossible trashheap of problems."

He shook his head, and gently rubbed his back. “.. y- you’re no trash heap Spinel.. y- you just h- have.. things th- that need to be worked out… th- that’s all…” he gently massaged his back. “… w- we’ll figure this o- out.. t- together okay?”

He gave a muffled groan, burrying himself more with his tail flicking. "How...?"

 Randy sighed and gently rubbed the back of his head. “.. I- I guess… one step at a t- time…” he didn’t know what the hell that meant, but it was better than saying he didn’t know. “.. y- you wanna take that bath?” he asked softly. “.. c- cause you smell..” he wrinkled his nose playfully and chuckled, still gently massaging his back.

"If you can put up with me that long." he muttered. His ear flicked to the bath suggestion, and he looked up finally with a frown. "I smell amazing and you know it..."

 Randy chuckled, blushing a bit. “I didn’t s- say you smelled baaaad. ” He chuckled, and gently kissed one of his ears. “… L- Like I’ve said.. for as long as it takes..” he whispered softly, responding to Spinel’s first comment. He gently lifted Spinel up and got up on his hooves. “I- I’ll go draw some h- hot water. Y- You’re welcome t- to eat a little s- something while I g- get it ready.” He started heading towards the bedroom, humming softly.

[her-favourite]

It may seem like I’m forever sulking over everything that happened with E. But this is me healing.

In the past few weeks, I have been realizing, slowly but steadily how shit she treated me. But also how good I treated her which I am so proud. And it’s proof that I am a good person.

Every mother’s day, I sent her flower emojis.

I called her/talked to her on 8 Sept every day because I knew that was a painful day for her. She only mentioned it once. I never forgot it and never told her I was doing it intentionally. I just wanted to make her feel loved on that shit day.

Whenever she felt insecure about her body, she’s wrap her hand around her wrist to see how tightly/loosely it fits. I’d wait a few minutes to not be obvious and I’d compliment how good she looked.

She hated unwanted attention, whenever a sketchy crowd was nearing us, I switched sides so she’s be farther away from them.

Over the 7 years, I learnt what situations gave her anxiety and I’d discreetly check in with her and ask her how she’s doing. When she happened to not have anxiety, she sometimes laughed at me for it and sarcasticly ask back ‘yeah, why wouldn’t I be okay??’.

She is a very womanly woman so I made sure to always open doors for her. And when Insay always, I mean always. She’s stop in front of doors, make no attempt at opening the door and wait for me to open the door for her. Because I thought that’s what she deserved.

She told me that some of her friends and her ex never listened when she talked about her parents (passed away early) so I’d try to be extra attentice when she talked about them and even say I would have liked them so much, things like that.

I always made her handmade gifts. Because that’s what she liked.

Her ex ridiculed and humiliated her a lot for laughing at silly things. I made sure to tell her it’s so good she can laugh at simple things and how she brings life to boring situations/places.

Regarding this whole situation, I have been doing nothing but thinking for months and honestly… I was probably the best person she ever had in her life.

I am an overthinker. I’ve always been. But the fact that even after months of thinking, I still strongly believe that I did nothing wrong about this situation. I don’t have anything to be ashamed of. I never hurt her. All I did was love her so purely and I’m so fucking proud of myself for the way I love. So unconditionally.

[non-stop-imagines]

Meera can you talk about your writing process? The way you write is simply amazing and I’m interested to know how you do it. Do you work on several requests at the same time? or you do them one by one? Do you complete them by chronological order or which one you like the best? How on earth do you write erotica so well, it’s never repetitive and so good written. Take care queen 🐈‍⬛

Hi 👋🏿😁.

Firstly, thank you! I'm honestly so happy you like my writing, it means way more to me then you guys can even imagine 🥹😘💖.

I'll start with when I get a request, because when I do I read it and immediately copy it into a Google docs. I keep the request in my asks though because when I finish it I don't want you guys to have to go searching for it (and it's also nice to keep the references in one spot). So if you have requested something but haven't seen an answer on your to your ask, just know it's nice and safe in a Google docs 😌🔐

From there my mind goes wild and will immediately try and figure out how scenarios would go with your request, and I have a considerably vivid imagination. And lets not lie, we've all acted out our daydreams at some point in our lives. So when I think of something that makes me feel particularly fuzzy, I jott it down. Like, this is what the top of the doc for Repeat That looks like.

This doesn't happen every time though, but most times because it's fairly easy to think of the plot and what you want to happen, but starting the darn thing is another story. I take so long trying to figure out if I want to start with dialogue or in the middle of something, etc. So when it comes to that, I just start writing and hope that it sounds good.

From there, I just start typing, literally whatever comes to my mind (though it usually comes directly from whatever dialogue I had in my daydream). This isn't very technical l, I really just go until I hit the end I want and try to write to incorporate points that I want to include ( which is why everyone's requests are so nice because y'all are DETAILED. I love it!🤣).

So, once I'm done writing and basic editing, adding it to the post on my laptop, I switch to my phone to actually read through it and fully edit, add/take away thing to make it flow. I only do it once because tbh sometimes reading my own writing feels so cringe and, like, it makes me worried about the reception it will get, so I limit myself to reading through once.

When it comes to what I write and when I write it, I try to go in chronological order of how they came in (another reason I don't answer the ask right away b/c I do not have the brain power for that) and I do tend to write one at a time, but I'll add ideas to other docs as needed. As of recent, for SOME REASON, I have had writers block with my Lando fic that I was doing next so I might go to the next one and come back hoping that the words come to me again. And it sucks because I've been thinking about it for a couple weeks and now I just can seem to write anything I like for it, so that's annoying. 😩

So,

When it comes to me writing (erotica/smut/insert word here), I literally me just using other things I have read for reference, books, Wattpad, other fics. I usually do have to go and read fics for references and then the vivid imagination steps in to help me put it in my own words. I wish I could give you more but that is really it.

Like this is really me (metaphorically) when I write smut because I am ashamed when ever I think of the nastiest most X-Rated descriptions that I be putting in these pieces. 🤣😮‍💨

So yeah, that's it. Sorry I got a bit wordy, I was just really excited about this and loved the fact that anyone would care about my writing process! 💕

(P.S. You guys do not understand. I used to HATE writing when I was younger. Never thought I was good at it. And I had that mindset since I was 9, so 23 year-old me seeing so many people complimenting me on my writing makes me want to cry. I love you guys sooo much.♥️)

[urmyasukatomyrei]

I’m sad because

People think feminism means I hate men, but it doesn’t

it just means I want men to be held accountable for the their actions,

I don’t want men to keep thinking women are crazy or messed up for wanting to be treated like human beings

esp with the abortion crisis and the fact women in many states have lost access to abortion, it makes me sad and stressed

it’s a bad omen

just because I’m in Ny doesn’t mean it’s not going to hit here too! I have to be careful and later in life if I am pressured to do so, I don’t want to have sex with men, it feels unfair to those other women, it feels unsafe and I don’t want to take it because like I said it feels like a bad omen and tbh feels even somewhat greedy or ignorant...(I feel sorry for the straight girls because at least i have an interest in women, if I was straight I would have no idea what to do at this time and age)

honestly my prediction is most if not every women in the states is going to become bisexual by choice or not and there will be an increase in lesbian women just because of this darn abortion crisis, which is okay for there to be more lesbians but still, you know what I mean! men are honestly just doing them a disservice by driving women away from them even more

i don’t like and I hate the way men treat women. I don’t “hate” men, but I thought men hated me first? And other women like me?

Every day I go out I feel sad and ashamed because of myself

I shouldnt have to live in World like that

anyway, I found this. This is very good I found this, so I took a photo of it

Yes, people don’t understand sometimes that this isn’t “abortion is illegal now” just saying that feels gross. It’s this. It’s “forced childbirth is now completely legal and normal”

And no, it’s shouldn’t be.!! They’re literally dumbing it down to abortion being a “privilege” but it’s not. All it is that they’re forcing women to have children, thus forced childbirth, and it’s not okay

Giving birth can be an extremely hard to handle, stressful, even painful ordeal, and some people just don’t want to have a child to take care of going forward because yeah, it’s a lifelong commitment

many people can’t handle such a lifelong commitment and that’s their own choice!! It shouldn’t be decided for them, that’s just wrong

i’m concerned about the future so much that I want to fully embrace feminism, real feminism, and that’s a natural response to feeling stressed about this issue that directly affects me

[ningyousaiban]

A warning for this post: It will be long, serious, and it will contain serious and triggering topics. In short, it's a vent post. But I want to let this all out.

Hoo boy, I feel like doing a retrospective on January, even if it's not even halfway done.

My life did a 180° and I couldn't be more happier. I'm genuinely crying tears of happiness from how happy I am that I became better. The funniest part? All I needed was one specific person out of my life.

I had a best friend since 2018, and... They ditched me at the end of November 2022, after going with them to a game con and telling me that I ignored them all the time (even though they were on their phone all of the time while I was with them). I was devastated. I saw them as the only person who loved me and the fact that I made them so angry to the point they left me made me hate myself even more back then. To the point where the intrusive thoughts (if you know what I mean) wouldn’t stop. But honestly, after looking back... It was obvious they were REALLY distant towards me. They lashed out on me several times for not helping them, because I genuinely didn’t know how to help them, and on one occassion, they even threatened (TRIGGER WARNING) suicide because I went a bit silent. Talking with them started feeling more and more like walking in a minefield. Eventually it got to the point where I felt so much like a burden to them that every time I went to their place I would cry and contemplate doing something bad to myself. And I thought this was all love. I tried my hardest, my absolute damn hardest to help them feel better, but all that did was make ME feel worse. Nothing helped them. I am not a saint but I think that I put more effort into this. They still (....most of the time, they once left for like 2 days and when I called them they didn’t answer at all..) were there when I needed them and I appreciate that. But even their partner said that they could tell I cared about them.

After they ditched me, after a few really hard days, without much sleep or eating, I noticed how... Free I felt... No more feeling anxious that they would lash out on me, nothing. I felt calm for the first time in 4 years. And my life finally started going uphill. I took a train to a city with my friends, that I knew before I even knew this ex-friend. It was the most amazing trip of my life so far. I had so much fun playing games in the arcade with them, I went to gigs with them... And then 2023 rolled around, I started going to the gym, went with more gigs with my friends, and just overall spent more time with them, rather than being cooped up inside my room like I was when I was still talking to that ex-friend. My friend group immediately told me I could come see them when I told them about this, and that just makes me so happy... I am genuinely glad to have these friends and I love them. We also play a lot of Gmod, and they got into Half-Life as well!! And they keep asking me stuff about the lore and they know that it makes me so happy! I feel like with them I don’t have to mask myself, I can be a weirdo around them without feeling judged like before... And they don’t mind that I’m weird at all!!! Not to mention that games like Touhou and Half-Life made me cope with these 4 years... Hell, Valve is literally the reason why I am still around, I’d say, because HL2 literally inspired me to be a concept and game artist, and I will go to a uni with that course after I finish high school.

The thing that happened with my ex-friend still stings and I still cry over it, but that is to be expected, I can’t move on from someone who I talked to everyday for the last 4 years so quickly. It hurts to even think about them, especially when they appear in my dreams, sometimes I even see their dad in public and I just start shaking and tearing up from how remembering how much I was mistreated back then. But all that matters is that now I am happier, and that I still work on myself. I am a bit ashamed to admit that I want to befriend some people here on Tumblr that follow me, but I am too scared ^^;;;;;, so I want to work on that as well!!

And, if you read all of this, have cookies, thank you for reading this wall of text...! 🍪🍪🍪🍪🍪🍪🍪🍪🍪

[thewanderingbreath]

i feel ashamed and humiliated, in wanting to be loved. it feels like im pleading others, begging them to just notice me. i know that’s not the way to live. but part of me has just grown so accustomed to being left out in the whole pursuit of love and desire, that i’ve slowly just begun telling myself i’m not as special and lucky as i thought. 

i realised that, when someone even bothers to ask me to hang out (it’s not even a date or anything special), or when they text me, it makes me feel “hey, maybe this is my turn to have an epic love story”. and that’s so humiliating to share, because it makes me look weak for wanting this. 

mitchell said there’s nothing wrong in this. i feel that everything is wrong. to be weak and vulnerable. i remember being weak and vulnerable with you. but you still loved me (that was before, it’s fine if you don’t anymore). part of me wished i had kept a memorabilia, or proof that for once, someone liked me. a letter, a keychain, a necklace. anything to show that, someone did like me. 

sometimes i’m angry and feel so dirty in that, for the first and only time in my  life, when someone told me he loved me, it was when i was the third party. and even though, i genuinely believe i did nothing wrong, it feels like my fault. that i failed. that i’m the biggest loser. and i feel that way. really. the fact you didn’t change your circumstances, even if that meant that we could be together, that made me feel like i wasn’t enough for you. so ironic, that i still think of you. why do i bother? 

i’ve begun feeling how shut off i am. i no longer want to share my fears, dreams and aspirations. the vulnerability i was once known to have so much of, is now no more. i hate that people around me tell me ‘you’ll find the right one one day’. they think it’s easy, and that it’ll happen as easily as they will for it. you said it to me before too. it’s not easy. and, to have the person you love tell you that. the irony really. 

the past few days have hurt so much. though i asked God why my life became this way, i know the answers don’t magically appear. sometimes they won’t. i was so angry i stopped going to church. and while i’m slowly returning, some of the greatest losses never seem to be healed. 

it hurts. i honestly don’t know who else i’ll ever reveal these deep wounds to. i guess i’m glad to have this space. 25 feels painful to live through. i think that’s why they call it a mid-life crisis. kind of like, how, if my life ended now, i think it’s a greater relief than having to live it in uncertainty. 

i don’t want to share with anyone, because i’m tired of giving the deepest parts of myself to people who won’t be staying round for long and who aren’t going to respect and keep it safe. and it’ll always feel like i’ve said too much, and that part of me will be lost forever. i’m really tired of feeling, so i’d rather not. and even if i do, i will forcibly remove myself from feeling anything to cut the shit of the whole cycle of unreciprocated feelings. i’m really fucking tired of it. 

this is a joke. good try to god for trying to insert a human last month (especially since i made a bet). really good try, but i know it’s just a lesson and i’m determined to pass the test this time round. 

[dearmadhatter11]

Recovering from Love pt.4

8/21/2022

To be honest I don’t know where to begin. It’s been eight months. Things… are definitely different. weirdly enough, I did actually start seeing a therapist. I have my second appointment with her next Monday. She confirmed a lot of things for me even within that first session. She confirmed that my step mom was an emotional abuser. That was probably one of the craziest things for me.

I felt nice to be validated. like I wasn’t the crazy one. In more ways than one. I briefly mentioned you and my appointment with her. We haven’t opened everything that me and you went through. She did say you were extremely wishy-washy though. That’s all she really had to say otherwise. I saw you may potentially have a new girl. I hope for her sake you’ve done some work with yourself. I hope you don’t put her through what I went through with you. I hope you can confidently tell her that she’s everything to you and that you don’t beat yourself down and feel unworthy.

It upset me maybe a week ago seeing you with somebody else. But I realize now you’ve moved on. Completely. Now I guess I can’t really say that I know for sure that you were actually with her. To be honest I don’t really wanna know. Because I went through this phase when I saw that photo I reverted back to my old habits of finding out if you were single or finding out if you’ve made posts about her. Stocker type of stuff I guess. I broke down my best friend about it. At this point I think she’s just kind of disappointed.

But I’ve blocked you for good now. I don’t wanna know what you’re doing. Who you’re with. What you’ve accomplished. I just hope you do good for yourself. Just like I hope I can do good for myself. don’t get me wrong there have been times where I thought of you. But I have to constantly remind myself that you don’t want me anymore. You decided that while we were probably still together. But now it’s my turn. I want somebody who’s going to make me a priority. Not top priority just… a priority. I deserve better so much better than that. I don’t deserve to beg for the things that I begged you for.

And I deserve all of what I want just like whoever I’m with deserves it to. There’s so many things I wish I could tell you about. But, you just don’t care. For you to just zoom on like that into another relationship clearly tells me where you stood with us. Honestly, as much as I hate being stuck up on you sometimes. Just shows how deeply I actually care for you. And that is something that I should never feel ashamed of. I told my friends to start calling me out on stuff more. Anytime I start bringing up the fact that I missed you. I told them to roast me roast you whatever just anything so I can get where I need to be.

I wish you the best. I always will. Just like I hope you do me.

[itsreigns]

Everywhere

Evan Buckley x Reader

His parents come to visit Evan and (Y/N) during the weekend. Evan wasn’t particularly excited about it, and then, (Y/N) finally understands why.

Warnings: Angst. Fluff.

Words: 1,572

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___________________

Buck’s parents will come to visit us this weekend. I’ve met them many times before, not for a very long time though, but it’s the first time they’re visiting since me and Buck moved in together.  

I don’t know why, but he’s not particularly excited about it. I thought about calmly asking him about it, but I decided I’d wait for him to be ready to talk to me instead. And today, two days before their arrival, he reached out during breakfast. 

“I’m just anxious about it.” He states, avoiding my gaze, instead focusing his attention on the fork resting on the table as he messes with it. 

“But… why, babe? I thought you liked having your parents around. They’ve been here before.” I carefully try to reason him, trying to understand him at the same time. 

“I do… And sure, they’ve been here before, but not during a complete weekend.” He sighs heavily, clearly frustrated that he can’t find the right words to explain himself. “Nevermind.” 

So, his problem is that they’re going to be here for a long time? I don’t even think 48 hours is that much time, to be quite honest. I feel like there’s more to this, but I can’t quite put my finger on it yet. 

“Evan, you know you can talk to me about everything, don’t you?” I say softly, covering his hand gently and caressing it. He finally looks me in the eye and stops fumbling with the fork. 

“I know, baby. I know. I’m sorry… I just… Sometimes they’re… it’s not easy to deal with them.” He tries to explain himself, still struggling to find the right words. I tug on his hand for support. 

“Hey, whatever happens, we’re in this together, and I’ll be here for you, ok? No matter what.” I reassure him, leaning in and pressing a kiss to his lips. 

“Thank you. I love you, (Y/N).” He whispers against my lips.

“I love you, Evan.” 

*2 days later*

Saturday’s here. Two days passed by smoothly. Evan was a bit more at ease, but I could tell he was still anxious, there was still stuff floating on his mind. But I just gave him space. I know him, and he definitely doesn’t like being pressured. Sometimes I intervene, obviously. But right now, I don’t think it’s the right thing to do. 

I was busy getting our dining room ready for lunch as Ann and Connor would be arriving in no time, when I realized I haven’t seen Buck in a while. I found him quickly as he’s sitting on the couch, bouncing his leg anxiously, lost in thought. That seems to be a thing for him lately. 

Feeling the couch shift beside him, he jumps in his seat just as I’m reaching out to caress his thigh. “Jesus, (Y/N), you scared me.” 

“I’m sorry, Evan.” I apologize, biting my lip. I stare at him, caressing his cheek, as if doing so, would help me find some clue of what’s going on or, at least, something that helps me start this conversation. “What’s really going on, babe?” I ask softly, moving my hand to hold his tightly. 

“I…” He trails off, averting his gaze to his lap, consequently avoiding mine. “It’s nothing, (Y/N). Really.” 

“It’s not nothing, Evan. I know you.” I confront him, keeping my tone even and gentle. “Whatever’s bugging you, it’s not nothing. I can tell it’s serious.” 

Buck sighs heavily, burying his head in his hands. I get closer to him, putting my arms around him and caressing his back with my hand soothingly. The silence lings in the air for a couple of minutes. 

“It’s stupid.” He finally says, still in the same position, not wanting to face me. 

“If it’s upsetting you, it’s not stupid, Evan.” I whisper, tugging his left arm to me so he’d finally face me. He concedes, so I take his hand in mine as he still rests his chin under his other hand. “Whatever it is, I won’t judge you. I’m not here to judge you, I’m here for you. No matter what.”

“It’s just… My parents. I don’t think I’m mentally ready to have them here.” He finally admits. I can tell there’s much to the story, but for now, I’m just content with the fact that he’s opening up to me. “You just don’t know how they truly are. I mean, I love my parents, but they just... “ He trails off, not sure of how to end that sentence. 

“Evan, we’ll go through this together, ok?” I whisper, and he nods. “If you feel uncomfortable or something, we’ll just come up with some excuse and we’ll make them leave. It’ll be fine.” I assure him, leaning in and pressing a few kisses to his lips. 

*Sunday, 1:25pm - 24 hours into having Evan’s parents at home*

Now I know what Evan meant yesterday. Ann and Connor spent the whole day being passive aggressive towards him. About everything. About him as a person. About his job. Honestly, I don’t know how they can’t see that what they’re saying is hurting him. It was definitely pissing me off, so I’d just answer back assertively. 

So, last night, before we went to bed, Evan sat down with me and just asked me not to say anything, that he’d handle it. I’m trying to respect that, but I hate seeing him so down and sad. I think he should speak up and tell them how he feels, but I can see why he doesn’t. 

We’re hanging out in our living room after lunch when his mom speaks up, breaking silence.  

“How do you feel about my son’s job, (Y/N)?” She asks me, out of nowhere, completely catching me off guard. 

I lock my gaze with Evan’s and he shoots me an apologetic and ashamed look. God, he looks so sad, I hate seeing him like this. 

“I love that he’s a firefighter. He’s a hero to so many people. He’s my hero.” I say truthfully, shooting him an assuring smile, which he returns timidly. “I’m really proud of him.”

“Aren’t you scared that he’ll get killed trying to save somebody he doesn’t even know? I tell him that all the time, he’s risking his life for strangers.” She affirms calmly. Doesn’t she have a clue? What the fuck?

“If everybody thought like you, there would be no first responders, no firefighters in the world.” I reply, matching her calmness. “Of course I’m scared he might get hurt, but I trust him and I know he’s very good at his job, and so are his coworkers. They’re all super professional and qualified for their functions.”

“Yeah, I guess you’re right.” That’s all she said. For a few seconds. Then she speaks up again. “But you know, he’s not as nice of a boy as he used to be. That job changed him. Connor thinks so too.”

“Well, then I can tell you that you’re right. He’s not a nice boy.” I say confidently, smiling sweetly at them, making the three of them move their attention fully to me. “He’s a great man. The best man I know, if I’m being honest. He’s grown into this amazing man, with this huge heart, a true fighter. He outdoes himself and surpasses any adversity or obstacle that comes in his path.”

I stop talking for a few seconds, turning to face Evan, and his beautiful blue eyes are shining with emotion, his mouth slightly open. His mother is staring at me, a blank expression on her face. And his dad seems to be lost in thought, as if he’s letting my words sink in. 

“And those are just a few of the million reasons why I love him.” I add, proudly, finally finishing up, feeling overwhelmed myself.

Thankfully that conversation subsided. A few minutes later, Evan motioned me to follow him, so we quietly excused ourselves to our bedroom. 

“Are you o-” I start once we get inside but he quickly cuts me off. He pulls me into a really tight hug, and hides his face in the crook of my neck. I could feel his hot, steady breath against my soft skin, and it feels so intimate, like home. 

“I love you so much, (Y/N). So fucking much.” He mumbles against my skin, his voice slightly wavering with emotion. “Thank you, babe.”

“For what?” I ask genuinely.

He pulls back slightly, but still keeps me in between his arms and close to him, and locks his gaze with mine. 

“For everything. For defending me, just now. For supporting me. For loving me.” He lists out, blushing a bit by the end. “No one ever did that for me.”

“I love you, baby. I always will be by your side, loving you and supporting you.” I reassure him, moving my hands to press my palms against his chest. “And also give your parents a reality check if needed.” We both chuckle lightly at my last sentence. “What would you do without me, Evan Buckley?” I laugh, playing with his shirt’s collar.

He pretends to be thinking really hard about what I just asked, so I playfully hit his shoulder. “Babe, stop.” I pout. 

He leans down and kisses me for a few seconds, before answering truthfully to my question.

“I’d look for you everywhere. I wouldn’t stop until I found you.”

Give me feedback???

[cinnamonest]

This might be a bit dramatic but seeing the recent shit? I feel the need to share it. Everything i say is sincere. Thought i'd share my own experinces as a fellow "questionable kink haver" and how your content helped my mental health enormously, maybe someone will feel less alone after reading this just like how i felt after becoming a follower of yours. Lena, i love you so much girl.

So, i've had intrusive thoughts ever since i've known myself. They were mostly very hurtful things, stuff that made me cry sometimes because they were so bothersome. But the one that i had the most was incest. For the longest time i felt absolutely ashamed and guilty. Like as if i killed someone and burried them. It was so heavy, and it had gotten so bad that i couldn't bear to spend too much time with my parents,i couldn't keep eye contact, i felt so embarrassed, thinking i was disgusting for the things my mind made me think about. The thing is while i hated the thoughts about my real life parents, i was actually into the ones with fictional characters, since they were not even real people. I felt a strange sense of.. comfort. It was a form of coping mechanism.

Then i found your blog. I had SO MANY questions. How were you so brave, non-caring of any type of hate or even witch hunt you might recieve? How were people able to share their kinks so freely without feeling guilty or holding back? You were so non-judgemental and your writing was SO GOOD and i loved it. I found your dad diluc + dad childe content. Absolutely loved them. Seeing the amount of people supporting you and eachother was/is AMAZING. I felt less weird and guilty about my kinks, i noticed that i wasn't the only one. I began to accept myself, i realized that my fictional fantasies did not reflect who i was in real life or my morality. I was NOT my fantasies and i felt in control of my thoughts. There was nothing wrong with me. For a long time i've never had the incest intrusive thoughts lately since i have a healthy outlet/coping mechanism now, and i realized the things i mentioned earlier. I even began to write my own stuff while reading yours! The way people seem to be interested in what i am writing and actually supporting me is very rewarding. Also! I have a great relationship with my parents now, i spend lots and lots of time with them without feeling uncomfortable. It makes me happy. I support women's rights in real life, i try my best to help victims make people hear their voices (actively following their cases, using hashtags and tweets to make sure authorities do their jobs)

Long story short, your fictional sexual fantasies do not reflect who you are in real life. You are not disgusting. You are NOT your intrusive thoughts. Consuming and creating fictional "dark content" is not wrong.

The fact that people are telling me I've actually helped them is??? That makes me so happy to hear you have no idea.

Honestly I never imagined it could be so helpful and I'm so glad I could do that for someone!!! I only set out with Horny Intentions™ but the fact that I can help people in that way makes me really happy :3

Also uhhh feel free to link me anything you write 👀

[dreamkidddream]

hey congratulations!!🎉

if possible, can you write quote #19 w/ atsushi?

Whew so this was a popular request and I’m honestly excited for it! This was so fun to write too. Atsushi ain’t slick either 👀 Atsushi when he’s doubting himself 📉📉 Atsushi when he’s confident, believes in himself AND goes feral📈📈 📈 also sorry for the wait, school has me 1000000x stressed, but my birthday is coming up so expect me to post more as a birthday gift to myself 🥰 reader is gender neutral!

TW: a little spicy but nothing extremely graphic is mentioned, minor language

Prompt: “I saw that. You just checked me out.” with Atsushi!

Atsushi couldn’t help it. No matter what, his eyes were always drawn to you. You’re just...really pretty! Beyond pretty! You’re just so alluring, that no matter how much he tried to snap out of the daze that you unknowingly put him in, he would just be focused on you all over again. Didn’t matter where either: in the office filling out reports, hanging out in the cafe, on missions (Akutagawa would be fuming and a little confused, but Atsushi didn’t care).

While he is naive at times, that didn’t mean that he’s stupid. He knows that he’s in too deep and it’s too late to try and deny what he’s feeling for you, but he’s scared. He fears that he isn’t good enough for you, that he never will be good enough for you. You deserve more than what he can ever give you, so why waste your time on someone like him? You deserve better than that, better than him...

But those thoughts were pushed away whenever you’re around him. Everytime you flashed him that sweet smile of yours, his heart would beat even faster than before (and you made his heart pretty fast already), and he couldn’t bare the notion of you not being in his life. He couldn’t imagine it, and he didn’t even try to.

Which lead to now: you both walking on the Yokohama boardwalk, him holding onto your prized tiger plushie (that took so long for him to win and SO MUCH MONEY) and varying treats from different street vendors, and you chattering excited about...something. What was it that you were talking about again? Damn it, it happened again!

It was so easy for Atsushi to get lost when it came to you. Just seeing the ways your eyes sparkled underneath the lights and the night sky was enough for him to lose his breath, not to mention how stunning you’re already are. He was more than flabbergasted when you accepted his invite to the boardwalk, stumbling out a thank you with a heavy blush across as you rambled on about how you can’t wait until then.

And you look so good. Not that you already didn’t! You actually got a little dressed up tonight, nothing too over the top but nothing like a regular hangout either. The outfit that you chose really displayed your figure, and he couldn’t help but let his gaze fall to-

“Hey! Are you listening?”

SHIT.

“HUH?! Oh! Of-of course!”, he stuttered out, nodding his head. Please believe me, please believe me, please-

“So you agree that I should go on a date with Dazai or Ranpo? Or even Akutagawa?”

“Ye-WAIT NO!”

“I’m just kidding, Sushi,” you playfully bumped his shoulder. “You zoned out on me. If I’m boring you-”

“No! It’s not that!”, he rubbed the back of his neck with his free hand, shameful. “It’s just...I’m really having a lot of fun with you tonight. I’m still a little shocked that you actually agreed to come out with me.”

“Why would I tell you no? I love spending time with you! Plus, this gives us a chance to hang out without any interference. Just us two.”

“Y-yeah! Just us! I’m really happy that you’re having fun.”

“Just make sure I’m not boring you to death okay? Plus, I have to tell you something important...”

His ears perked up and his heart started to race. Was this the moment? Could it be? He wanted to pinch himself to make sure he wasn’t dreaming. You looked so bashful, twiddling your fingers together nervously.

Were you about to confess to him?

A smile broke out on your face as you gazed at him.

“You’ve been checking me out this whole time, haven’t you?”

He choked.

Atsushi could faint right now. Not out of pure bliss, but of embarrassment. You knew what he was doing?! He wishes that the ground would open up and swallow him while, he even wishes that Akutagawa just comes out of nowhere to fight just so he wouldn’t have to face you.

“W-wait?”, and his voice cracked. Even more embarrassment.

“You’ve been checking me out, tiger boy! My my Atsushi, who knew that you could be so devious?”

He almost dropped your plush tiger trying to wave his arms to defend himself. He wasn’t checking you out! He was admiring you! Very big difference in his opinion.

Oh who was he kidding? Either way, you didn’t need to know that!

“No I wasn’t! It’s- you see- I wasn’t checking you out! You h-had something on your face! Yeah!”

“Oh please Atsushi. I saw that. You just checked me out. As a matter of fact, I know you’ve been checking me out for quite some time.”

Oh he could just shrivel up and disappear into nothing at this point. He felt so ashamed, disgusting. Oh God, what if you thought that he’s a pervert now? He began to open his mouth, the start of a first apology of many to follow on the tip of his tongue, when you cut him off.

“Honestly, I was wondering when you were gonna make a move. Thought I was gonna have to, but I wanted to give you enough time and maybe see you sweat a little.”

“...huh?”

You broke poor Atsushi.

So you didn’t think that he’s a disgusting pervert? You didn’t hate him? And you knew that he’s been doing this? And you knew of his feelings for you? And you reciprocated said feelings?!

Atsushi was overjoyed at this revelation. Then, he came to the realization that you knew this whole time of his feelings for you, didn’t say anything because you were amused with how stressed he got, and then proceeded to still mess with him after.

He’s irritated to say the least.

You let out a string of laughter, “Atsushi, you should see your face right now!” You started to clutch your stomach, tears pricking at your eyes with how hard you’re laughing. “Seriously! You didn’t think I wouldn’t notice you always staring at me? I’m not that oblivious you know.”

As much as you loved teasing him, you really did mean what you said. He’s been gazing at you with his longing look in his eyes for so long, that you believed it was only a matter of time before he approached you. However, you were starting to get just a tad bit impatient. You knew how much of a crush he has on you just as you have a crush on him, and you were trying to have him make the first move, but if he continued to just give you puppy eyes when he thought you wouldn’t notice, you were going to drag him by his tie and force him to confess.

“But don’t feel too bad. If I was super nervous to confess to my crush, I’ll probably just stare and hope they understand my feelings that way. So, now that that’s out of the way, do you want to confess first or should I-”

“You don’t even know what you do to me, do you?”

Atsushi’s had his head lowered, and when he snapped his head up, he was glaring at you.

Oh no, he’s mad at you. You didn’t mean to make upset! It was- wait a second. What you do to him? He continued on, gripping your shoulders so that you couldn’t look away, your focus would be on him and only him, just like his is always on you and only you.

“It’s not my fault what you do to me! It’s yours!”

“Wait, AtsuSHI-”

“It’s not my fault that you’re really pretty and nice and-”

Now he was shaking you while he rants and whines about all the things that “weren’t his fault”. You began to giggle again, “Okay okay Atsushi! I get it.” Clasping his hands, you slowly ceased his shaking, with him giving you that same puppy eyed look that you’re used to.

Damn it, he didn’t understand what he does to you.

“I’m sorry, Atsushi. It’s just so fun to see you get riled up sometimes”, you already moved his hands to in front of you, gently rubbing circles on them. “I...I really do like you, Atsushi. More than like, really. This wasn’t how I was planning this to go, but whatever. And you don’t have to worry about me not returning your feelings dummy! It’s pretty obvious, wouldn’t you say?”

You could see his expression soften the more you spoke, processing your words and letting them sink in. He saw no playful glints in your eyes this time. You genuinely meant what you said, you like him, more than a friend.

He felt tears gathering in his eyes, but you wiped at them before they could fall. Caressing his face, prizes and treats long forgotten, you leaned in to kiss him softly. He went still, then melted into it, bringing you close to him as much as he can by your waist. When you pulled back, he had such a dopey grin on his face, eyes full of warmth.

Nothing could compare to this feeling, the feeling of being loved, being truly cared for.

He truly did feel blessed.

“The night’s still young, Atsushi,” you leaned in to give him another peck, which he happily accepted. “And I don’t want to waste anymore time than we already have.”

“Y-y-yeah, me either”, he touched your forehead against yours. You look so angelic underneath the stars, he couldn’t look away if he tried. “Let’s make up for lost time.”

“Of course. And I know the perfect way to start.”

Bonus:

“Good morning, Atsushi!”

Dazai rolled his chair to his desk, already putting off his work for the day. “So tell me: how was your date last night?”

“Oh-it was great! We just went to the boardwalk. (Y/N) was happy, and we both confessed, so everything went okay.”

“That’s it?”, he sighed. “How boring. You guys didn’t do anything else?”

“Hm? No? Was I suppose to do something else?”, he blinked at Dazai. Did you miss a step or something? Everything went better than expected last night, so he did everything right...right?

“Tell me, Atsushi. Did you two run into any trouble last night?”

“No. Why?”

“Well how did you get that bruise on your neck?”

Bruise? What was he-

Oh no.

Dazai leaned back in his chair, arms folded behind his head. “And judging by the way (Y/N) is being way more cheerful than they usually are, something tells me that that isn’t a bruise-”

“DAZAI! Get back to work!”

Kunikida couldn’t have come at a perfect time. Dazai groaned out a “fine” and rolled back to his desk, letting Atsushi breath out a sigh of relief. You guys had a lot more fun than he let on, and he would be beyond mortified if the whole office found out-

“Goodness Kunikida, I was just letting Atsushi know that his hickey was showing! (Y/N) really knows how to leave a mark, don’t they Atsushi?”

Please someone, end him now-

“And the way that (Y/N) is covering their neck tells me that you do too. My mentee is growing up so fast, I’m so proud!”

“DAZAI!”

“ATSUSHI!”

[holylulusworld]

I still cry

Summary: A break-up sometimes leads to worse things than heartbreak.

Pairing: former Dean x Reader; Dean x Lisa

Characters: Bobby Singer, OFC Judith, Sam Winchester

Warnings: angst, heartbreak, a break-up, abandonment, low self-esteem, tears, mentions of demons, a little Lisa hate (sorry), no happy ending, sorry, not sorry

A/N: Written for @katehuntington​​​‘s 1K Celebration (Congratulations!). My song was ‘I still cry’ by Ilse DeLange. I used the song for inspiration and some of the lyrics (in Italics). The song originally is for a passed loves-one, but I decided to use it to describe the heartbreak and pain the reader feels after she got left behind.

A/N2: For my story, Sam came back with an intact soul.

Three months after he left, … 

“How was your weekend, Y/N?” your colleague asks, watching you fold another paper flower for the upcoming school festival. 

You like to keep your hands busy to stop thinking about the love you lost. All the flowers you tried to grow in the backyard died. It’s like no one wants to stay with or stay alive around you.

“Fine,” you reply, eyes dropping to your phone once again. Since he left the night Sam jumped into the pit you always hoped Dean will answer one of your calls or at least send you a message, explaining why you weren’t enough. “I tried to renovate my bedroom.”

“That’s nice,” you hate the pity in your much younger colleague’s eyes. It’s the same look people give you any time their eyes land on you – or at least you think they can see the heartbreak you went through over the last months. “If you need help, just tell us so, Y/N. You are new to the team, but we like you.”

“I will think about it, Judith. Thank you,” how you hate that you sound like a broken record. 

I’m fine. No, I don’t need your help. Please don’t ask about Dean. Hunting is over for me. Just don’t ask…

I still cry sometimes when I remember you

I still cry sometimes when I hear your name

I said goodbye and I know you're alright now

But when the leaves start falling down I still cry

Six months after he left, … 

“Kiddo, I’ve missed you,” Bobby chuckles, standing in front of your door. “Did you think you can just push me away and an old geezer like me gives up that easily?”

You huff but for a moment, you smile. “I’ve missed you too, Bobby,” you throw yourself into your friends’ arms. Ashamed you didn’t call him back you sniff silently. “I’m sorry, I just needed some time to figure things out.”

“So, you’re out of business?” watching you shake your head Bobby sighs deeply. He wishes you would’ve stayed out of the hunting business and find happiness and a nice man staying by your side. “I thought you wanted out.”

“I was – for a while at least,” choking out the words you grasp Bobby’s hand to lead him into your house. “Problem is that the monsters and demons didn’t get the memo. One day I prepare a school festival and the next I find myself surrounded by demons. I had no choice but to leave.”

“I’m sorry, kiddo,” Bobby takes the beer you offer, grumbling as he would’ve like to see you fall in love and become a mother one day. “Did he call?”

“Please don’t ask,” you plea, not meeting Bobby’s gaze. You’re too ashamed you still hope Dean will return to you. Even though, you know better. 

“Y/N,” Bobby sighs deeply, eyes sadden at the mere sight of you. Thinner than usual, eyes missing the light you sit in front of your godfather. “I shouldn’t have asked, kiddo.”

“I don’t want to sound pathetic but talking about him makes things worse. I had hoped he would explain why,” sitting on the worn-out couch in your living room you slump into yourself. “I guess that I never was enough. You know, she’s a pretty thing, has a house, a son, and a normal life to offer. And I heard yoga-instructors are bendable.”

“Did you see her – them?” you nod, eyes not meeting Bobby’s. “Oh, Y/N,” my friend, the father I never had sniffs. “Why didn’t you tell him not to go? I know you wanted Dean to have a normal life but hurting yourself shouldn’t be part of the deal.”

“I knew only one of us will make it out alive, Bobby,” you give your friend a sad smile, shrugging when he gets up to look out of the window. “I wanted Dean to be happy. If he’s happy with someone else, I’m happy for him.”

“Your selflessness borders on stupidity!” Bobby grunts. “That boy should be here, with you Y/N. Lisa seems to be a nice girl, but she’s not you.”

“EXACTLY, Bobby,” jumping up you try to explain to Bobby why you knew Dean would leave you sooner or later. “I knew Dean will leave me, Bobby. I wanted to keep a tiny piece of dignity. In the end, he would’ve kept his promise to Sam and get out of this life, but not with me by his side.”

“How’d you know, kiddo? Maybe Dean would’ve stayed by your side and you could be happy,” your friend cries. “Jesus, I can’t believe you broke your own heart.”

“I did it to protect myself, Bobby. I heard Dean call her, okay,” sniffing you join Bobby to look out of the window. “The night after Sam jumped into the pit, Dean called Lisa asking if he can come around.”

“OH,” eyes squinting toward the old car in your ramp Bobby tries to figure out how to help you. “What happened that night? Dean refused to answer my calls so…”

“It’s a blur, Bobby,” you close your eyes, try to recall the night Dean left but all you remember are the tears running down your face when you ran after his car. The rain washing your tears away – but not the pain.

It's just that I recall September

It's just that I still hear your song

It's just I can't seem to remember

Forever more those days are gone

“Dean didn’t fight for me, that’s what happened. I told him that I heard every word and he just stood there, his keys in his hand. I saw a hint of guilt in his eyes, but this wasn’t enough to stay with me,” blinking the tears away you clutch your hand to your chest. “I told Dean to go and live the life Sam wanted him to live.”

“And he did? Just like that?” nodding you turn your back toward the window, closing your eyes for a moment. “Not even a call for almost six months?”

“No call. No message. No number he sent me in case of emergency,” it’s a matter-of-fact Dean cut you out of his life. “You know, sometimes it feels normal that he’s not with me anymore and other days, I only need to remember his name and break down, crying like a stupid baby.”

“Heartbreak is never easy, kiddo.”

“Never said so, Bobby. Honestly, it feels worse than heartbreak. I know he’s out there, living his best life but to me, it feels like he died. I guess, my heart tries to cope with the loss this way. It tells me he’s gone, even though, Dean is with her.”

“Do you like to live here?” Bobby clears his throat, wrapping one arm around your shoulders. “You can always come with me, leave this shitty town behind and be my eyes and ears. Y/N, I don’t want you to be gone one day too. I’m too old to lose my kids.”

“I could come with you,” being alone with a broken heart and your self-doubts won’t do any good. “I don’t have much to pack.”

“I got a nice guest room, kiddo. If Dean doesn’t care about you, I do,” the bitterness behind Bobby’s words brings you to tears. “I thought I know the boy better…”

I still cry sometimes when I remember you

I still cry sometimes when I hear your name

I said goodbye and I know you're alright now

But when the leaves start falling down I still cry

Almost six months later, …

It’s half a year later that Sam, Dean, and Lisa step into Bobby’s house, bringing fresh tears and more heartbreak to you.

“Sammy,” the only person you greet is Sam, your best friend who magically got resurrected. “I didn’t want to believe the rumors.”

“Same,” arms wrapped tightly around you Sam watches his brother look at you. Dean tried to make you talk to him for half a day, but you just walked away, refusing to even face the man breaking your heart so easily. “I thought he would stay with you.”

“No, Sammy. Why would a man stay with someone like me if he can have yoga barbie?” you whisper, not wanting Lisa to hear. “He deserves someone who got no clue where he’s coming from and all the shit happening in his life.”

“Still-“ Bobby is the one breaking the awkward moment.

“We got a job to do, kiddo. If you want to, you can sit this one out,” nodding you look up at Sam, giving him a sad smile. 

“I will help Rufus meanwhile. You can call me when he’s gone back to his apple pie life, Bobby,” patting Sam’s chest you give your friend a soft smile. “And you’ll have a lot to explain, Mr. Winchester. I hope you will stick around so we can catch up with our shitty lives.”

You are gone before Dean gets the chance to say a word to you. He walks out of Bobby’s house to watch you drive away.

His eyes fill with tears and even when your car is long gone, leaving a cloud of dust behind, he stands outside, wondering how his life would’ve been with you by his side…

I still cry sometimes when I remember you

I still cry sometimes when I hear your name

I said goodbye and I know you're alright now

But when the leaves start falling down I still cry

But when the leaves start falling down I still cry

>> Part 2

Tags in reblog.

[unnecessarywriting]

Rainy Day Confessions - Harry Potter

Harry Potter x reader

A/N: I am happy to be back writing here. Please let me know what you think and send me requests. I have changed the list so check before you request. Thank you!! Also no Cho hate here, it just fit for the storyline.

Rainy Day Confessions

You know, crushing on someone is harsh. The heart beats harder in your chest at every glance; your cheeks heat up at the sound of a laugh. When your eyes meet, you forget the most basic instinct: to breathe. When it is one-sided, it’s more painful. Each glance is just passing; each laugh is because of someone else. Even the meeting of irises and pupils is just coincidence. These thoughts pass though your head and cause the ache that weighs on your soul. His eyes shine like emeralds, and his laugh is the hum of an innocent bee. Of course these observations are some that many have made before me. Most of these others have been more successful on their advances at staking claim to the one their hearts belong too. 

Monday has consisted of classes with the one who you have been falling for. He, of course, thought that talking back to the pink toad herself was wise and wound up in another detention. You sat in the back of the class waiting patiently for her insufferable voice to stop screeching in your ears. You were doodling on your parchment when she made her way to your desk.

“Miss Y/L/N!”

You looked up in annoyance and surprise.

“If you are so insistent on not paying attention in my class, you can spend time reflecting in detention tonight.” Of course you had detention with her, and of course it had to be with him.

The end of class came with the end of the day, which meant that detention was awaiting you. You walked towards the pink hell, and awaited for your courage to knock on the door. Her shrill voice told you to come in, and as you entered, your heart dropped. You were alone. Never had you been alone with this woman before, and that was enough to strike fear into your body. Silently, you sat at the table, and in front of you sat the infamous quill. You had detention with her once before, and you could recall the pain it that quill can cause. You sat in silence until you heard a knock at the door. He walked in and sat across from you with a matching quill.

“Mr. Potter, you shall write ‘I shall not talk back’ and Ms. Y/L/N, you shall write ‘I shall not be distracted’ until the messages sink in.” The both of you nodded and began to work. 

A half an hour passed, and the first drop of blood fell from your hand. Another twenty minutes passed before you were both let free. You walked slightly faster, hoping you could make it to your dorm before any tears fell. You weren’t sad, just in pain. Harry tried to keep up with your pace. You could tell as the sound of his footsteps increased. 

“Y/L/N! Hold on a minute.” You slowed down at the sound of your name. You didn’t respond, you just slowed your steps.

“Are you okay?” He sounded sincere, but you knew he would be this way with anyone who shared that experience with him. 

“Yeah, I’ll be fine. Now, I kinda need to get to my dorm and start working on that potions essay. Goodnight Potter.” How you wanted to use his first name, but you weren’t close enough for that.

As you made your way into your dorm room, you wanted to hit yourself on the head for being so dismissive. You weren’t nervous about talking to Harry, you just didn’t want him to see your vulnerable side. The last thing you wanted was for the boy you were crushing on to pity you and think that you were weak. Alas, there is nothing you could do about it. That night you went to bed with a few tear stains, and a throbbing hand. 

The next morning you woke up feeling a little defeated. The events of the night before still weighing in your mind. You got up and pulled yourself to breakfast with the promise of some delicious jam. You sat alone. You had friends, plenty of them in fact, but you just wanted to enjoy some solitude and be left to your drowsy thoughts. Throughout your time at breakfast, you felt eyes on you. Quite frankly, you wished it was your crush, but there was no way he would feel the same. It turns out you were right. Before you left the great hall to make your way to Charms class, you glanced around the hall and saw the eyes of those that bore into your skull. It was none other than Hermione Granger. Why she was watching you was unbeknownst to you, but you didn’t want to dwell on it.

Charms class was interesting and fun. It allowed you to focus on something other than your own thoughts. Flitwick was always a joy to be around, and he gave you a lot of house points as you often excelled. The only real competition you had was Hermione in this class, but she didn’t seem to mind that you were great in that class.  As the class was ending, your brain started to go back to the events of the nights before. You felt a little guilty about being so dismissive, and your hand was still in pain. You decided that you should apologize to Harry at dinner.

A few hours later you walked into the hall with confidence, but as soon as you saw him with his friends at the Gryffindor table, you panicked and walked in the other direction. You sat at the table thinking about when to talk to him, and what to say. Eventually, your thoughts were interrupted by a tap on your shoulder.

“Harry told me about your detention last night. Are you sure you’re alright?” It was Hermione.

“Yeah Granger. I’ll be fine. My hand still hurts, but it’ll heal eventually.” You offered her a small smile.

��Well, I just wanted to make sure. We both know how evil that toad is. Harry was also worried about you.” She gave a cheeky smile as if to tell me she knew all of my secrets. 

“Actually Hermione,” this was your chance, “can you actually tell Harry I’m sorry for being so rude last night? I’ve been feeling pretty guilty about it, and I really don’t want him to think it was about him. I honestly was just overwhelmed.” You looked down, slightly ashamed that you couldn’t just say that to him yourself. 

“You know, you could always tell him yourself.” She gave you a knowing look. “But, I guess I can do you this favor. Enjoy the rest of your evening, and don’t hesitate to come over to us next time.” She offered a playful wink and walked back to where Ron and Harry sat. Of course she noticed your feelings. Clearly, you have been a bit too obvious. 

The next day came too fast. And it went almost as quickly. After dinner, you wandered the halls before curfew. You contemplated going to the astronomy tower, but you thought that was too obvious. Someone was most likely there, and it was most likely Malfoy himself. You decided to enjoy the fall weather and wandered the courtyard. Eventually you sit down by a tree and just close your eyes. The silence was rejuvenating. The chaos of classes and the continued noise in the common room often left little time for relaxation. This was the best way to decompress. Not too long later, a cough brought you to your senses. 

“You know, your dorm may be a better place to sleep. You’re also less likely to get sick.” I knew exactly who it was. I sighed and kept my eyes close. Maybe if I don’t look at him, I can keep my composure.

“At least here, I don’t have to listen to the first and second years experimenting with Weasley products. Plus, the weather is perfect for a nap. I could sleep the rest of the year away, and I might as well if the pink toad is going to be around.” We sat in silence for a moment. Eventually, Harry spoke up.

“How’s your hand? You were bleeding a lot.” I let out an empty laugh in response.

“I’m heavy-handed I guess. How’s yours?” I heard a shifting noise next me, but I didn’t think twice about it.

“As well as to be expected. Listen, you had nothing to apologize for. I get it, she can be a lot. By the way, you call me Harry. There’s no reason for formalities.” At this point I could feel his eyes on me.

“Well, it’s not like we’re really friends,” I countered. 

“You call Hermione by her first name, and I didn’t think you were friends either,” he pushed.

“I talk to her. More than I talk to you. If it’s any consolation I would probably refer to Ron as Weasley, well, maybe not if he was surrounded by the twins too.” I started to get up, but I felt his hand lightly grab my wrist.

“Then call this the start of a friendship. Now, you have no reason to not call me by my name.” I shook my head in response and began to walk away.

“Goodnight Potter,” I murmured to myself, but Harry heard it with a small smile on his face. 

When Thursday came around, you felt great. Of course, your hand was still sore, but emotionally you felt good. You had managed to keep your emotions in check when talking to Harry last night, and you even managed to act a little more like yourself. On your way to the great hall for breakfast, you had a bit of pep in your step. You made your way to the table when you noticed that Harry was sitting over by where you were known to sit. Hermione and Ron were in their usual spots, but they were constantly looking over at Harry with smirks plastered on their faces. 

“Should I even bother asking why you’re here Potter?”

“Well, I think I should sit with my new friend, don’t you?” He was too cocky for his own good.

You shook your head in response. Maybe he won’t end up developing the same type of emotions for you, but the least you can do is make a friend out of him. Your chats that morning were friendly. Your heart continued to beat a little harder in your chest, but you did the best you could to keep your emotions in check. Throughout the day, you would catch Harry around you. Sometimes he was in the same room, or you were just passing by each other more often, but he became more prominent in your daily activities.

You were spending more time with him, and his friends in the weeks following. Hermione made a good study partner, and Ron was actually pretty funny to be around, but you couldn’t get past these feelings in your chest whenever you looked at Harry or heard his voice. You were grateful to have a friendship with him at all, but the more you got to know about him, the harder you started to fall. At some point, you even considered a mutual interest, but that was soon crushed. 

Cho Chang. A better match for Harry. You knew that he had some interest in her the year prior, but you thought that it was over. How wrong you were. It was a Hogsmeade day, and you looked forward to spending the day with some of your other friends. Fun was the best way to describe the first part of your trip. You made the necessary stops at Honeydukes and Zonko’s, and then you made your way to the Three Broomsticks for some Butterbeer. Things were going great. Your conversations were lively and it was nice to not have to push away your emotions. It wasn’t until you looked over your shoulder that your heart stopped. No, not in the good way, where everything around you stops too and everything suddenly gains meaning. No, this was the time that you hoped that it would never start again. The two of them sat, with butterbeers and laughs. Her hand on his arm, his smile bright. You turned back to your friends and painted a smile to your face. Just make it through the day.

When you finally got back to the dorm, you sat on your bed and looked at the wall. You weren’t thinking, just feeling. Should you go to dinner? That was the question that ate away at you for an hour. You opted that it would only make sense to go and ignore the voice in the back of your head that reminded you of all of your insecurities. So, you wandered through the halls until you reached the great hall. You took a deep breath and walked over to your friends from earlier. This earned three pairs of eyes to stay glued to your presence. The past few weeks, you spent your meals with the trio, but today, you couldn’t bring yourself to sit with them. Dinner was uneventful, thankfully, and you made your way back to the dorms where you would stay until Monday.

Your first class was History of Magic, and you chose to focus intently on the lesson. This continued in all of your classes, until you entered Defense Against the Dark Arts. Your head hurt from your thoughts trying to sting at the hippocampus of your brain. The pink toad’s ramblings eventually set you off. You got up without a word and walked out of the class. When she asked where you were going, you replied, “Anywhere else but here,” which she responded with, “Tonight, my office.” You figured detention was going to happen. It was inevitable, but you could care less at this point. You had been trying so hard to turn off your head and your emotions, that it didn’t matter what was going to happen.

That night, Umbridge held you for longer than normal. She must’ve been very angry with your sudden departure. When you left her office, your hand was dripping onto your uniform. You made your way to your common room, as silently as you could. That night, you could only think of and feel the pain from your hand.

The next morning, your hand was still bleeding. There was nothing you could do about it other than wrapping it up. At breakfast you sat alone, until he appeared in front of you.

“Do you wanna tell me what’s been wrong?” He sounded almost accusatory. 

“I would rather eat my breakfast. Alone.” He flinched at your tone, but he didn’t move. Instead, he looked at your bandaged hand, where the blood seeped through the white cloth. He sighed knowing how bad the pain must be. You both ate in silence, until Cho Chang made her way to where you two were. You chose to block out her annoyingly nice voice. It was clear she was flirting, and Harry was clearly falling into her words. You got up and left as quickly as possible and went to charms. 

Another week passed, except the trio had done everything they could to get you to go back to being friends with them. You studied with Hermione occasionally, but you cut your sessions short when she started questioning your behavior. One night, however, you took a break and started wandering the halls. Somehow, he found you. You sat, looking out the window in peace, when he caught your attention.

“You know, it’s unfair that you think you can just play with people’s emotions.” You were caught off guard by his statement. You stayed silent, however, not knowing how to respond.

“I thought we were friends Y/N. We had so much fun together, and I actually enjoyed spending time with you. You’re amazing to talk to, and you’re pretty funny too, which makes this all so confusing. Why? Why won’t you talk to me? To Ron? You barely talk with Hermione anymore. This is just selfish. If you didn’t want to be friends, you should’ve just said so. It would’ve saved us all the time.” He went to walk away after you didn't respond.

“Is that all I am to you? A waste of your time? You’re right. I was being selfish, but so were you.” You looked him in the eyes, and your heart started to tear itself into pieces. He was hurt, confused, and it appeared to you that he was disgusted with the sight of you. You walked away before any tears could fall.

What you didn’t know is that Hermione and Ron were watching this encounter from afar. To Hermione, it was clear what happened. Ron was unaware. That night in the common room, Hermione explained her thoughts to the boys. You liked Harry. That was clear to her before you became friends, and Harry had developed feelings for you along the way. But why did you back off? That was the question that needed some investigation. By the morning, Hermione figured out what happened. She tried to explain it to Harry, but he denied his feelings for the girl, but with some persuasion, he considered it as a possibility. He didn’t have time to really think about what she meant to him because he had quidditch practice.

You, on the other hand, were stuck in a place of guilt. You hurt him. You were selfish. If he wanted answers, then he should get them, but you owed it to yourself to get closure. You made a plan that required some confidence, and what you could only describe as pure stupidity.

The day consisted of heavy rainfall, but Angelina Johnson was not about to cancel quidditch practice. She had a reputation to live up to, and their first game of the season was coming up. This meant, though, that there was no one dumb enough to sit out in the rain and watch them practice. Almost no one. You had a mission, so you attended the Gryffindor practice, and stayed hidden in the quidditch stands. When practice was ending, you saw the players leaving the pitch, but you saw that Harry was falling behind. This is where you swallowed your dignity, and calmed all of your nerves.

“Harry James Potter!” You yelled as loud as you could. The rain continued to pour down as he found the source of his name.

“You want answers? Well here they are. I like you, hell I may even love you. You hear me? And, I know that you couldn’t possibly feel the same way about me, but I needed to say it. You said that I am selfish. Well, you’re right. I am, and now our friendship is ruined forever because I was jealous and stupid.” You took a deep breath. “If you weren’t the Harry Potter, maybe I would have some sort of a chance, but that’s not the world we live in. In this moment, this very moment, I am just a girl yelling at a boy in the rain because I feel so much for you. I’m sorry, but you deserve the truth.” With that, you left the boy speechless on the pitch. Rain continued to fall, but he didn’t move. 

You ran. You ran so fast, that you weren’t even sure if it was real. You were soaked. From head to toe, and you had just made a fool out of yourself. You don’t know how, but you managed to get to your dorm without too many questions. The next morning, you opted out of breakfast at the great hall. Instead, you ate some of the sweets you had bought from Honeydukes. You avoided everyone like the plague. It wasn’t until the Weasley twins made their way to where you were hiding out, that you had any social interaction. 

“Well, if it isn’t Ms. Y/L/N!”

“What do you know? Is this where you have been hiding?”

“What do you two want?” They must have heard your confession. They are on the team, and they can be pretty nosy when they want to be.

“No need to be so rude.”

“Yeah, we were just here to tell you that Harry is looking for you, and well-”

“He will find you, so you may want to do a better job of hiding.” Although they probably had negative intentions, you were grateful for their intel, so you got up, thanked them and moved elsewhere.

You were walking around when you found yourself in the courtyard. You remembered the night that you and Harry became friends. You sat down, tired of all of the running and wandering you had done all day.

“It only took me the whole day to find you.”

“And yet, you didn’t get the hint. Look Harry, I don’t want to talk t-”

“Then just listen. You said enough yesterday.” You lowered your head and thought of how to escape.

“Y/N, I have been cruel and clueless. Hermione told me that you liked me long before we became friends. I should’ve seen it, but I guess I’m pretty oblivious to some things. I thought I liked Cho, but I think a part of me wanted to console her after losing Cedric. I don’t think she even knows what she wants, but I know that I have missed you so much these past few weeks. And yesterday, when you told me how you felt, I couldn’t help but feel something. I asked Hermione about it and she is sure that I like you too, and you know what, it’s probably true. Not probably, it is true. I know I’m rambling, but Y/N Y/L/N I want to be with you!” He stopped and watched your expressions. 

Your eyes looked up and found his eyes, desperate for a response. You slowly walked towards him and placed your hand on his cheek and pulled him into a shy kiss. You pulled away quickly with a slight blush, feeling embarrassed. It wasn’t until he pulled you back into him that you truly understood his words. You leaned your forehead into his and whispered, “What are you waiting for?”