#// this sucks i'm sorry but here you go!!

[cluescorner]

I cannot imagine being a Damian stan right now. You've got both Zdarsky's bullshit (where he clearly doesn't give a shit about your boy) and The Boy Wonder (where Juni Ba clearly gives so many shits about your boy) coming out on the same day. The whiplash must be insane. I hope y'all get some nice warm soup for your efforts jfc

[every-aj-needs-an-angel]

Chapter 11!! I’m very sorry but I’m taking full advantage of the AU here. I do know this is not at all how to take care of a tattoo but I seem to have massage on the brain this week and it didn’t even occur to me until it was too late so I'm sorry but they’ll just have to live in an AU whereby tattoos heal differently

Betting It All On Love

The suite was as quiet as a mouse late into midmorning. Both couples, finally settled in their relationships, had actually managed to get a decent amount of rest; only bothering to move from their cocoons when they could no longer ignore their stomachs, and even then they didn’t go far.

The girls had been the first to get up, so when Eddie and Steve finally emerged from the bedroom, there was already a random assortment of foods strewn all over the coffee table. Steve and Chrissy sat on the plush rug, passing food up to Robin and Eddie who were sprawled out on the sofas, only getting up to join their partners when all of their bellies were full. 

The foursome laid together chatting about their evening apart, Chrissy gushing over the proposal while Robin fondly rolled her eyes, although Steve could tell she secretly was pleased for them; and Robin regaling them with their night at the Glover’s. They’d had cocktails, far too many cocktails in Chrissy’s opinion, and Beth had regaled Robin with stories about the antics they had got up to on their cheerleading trips.

Eddie was enthralled, listening intently to every word of the life he missed out on with his best friend. Steve could tell he would’ve liked to be there to hear it from the horse's mouth, but Eddie had him wrapped so tightly in his arms, pressing absentminded kisses to his temple and playing with their rings as he shifted his grasp on Steve; their legs wrapped so tightly together Steve wasn’t sure he’d even be able to get up without falling face-first into the coffee table, so he felt that maybe Eddie wasn’t entirely disappointed either.

Eventually, they lapped into a contented silence, happy to just be together watching the sun beat down on the strip through the windows. Steve thought it’d be nice for them all to go home and make it their weekend thing to just spend lazy Sunday mornings curled up together, chatting about the intricacies of their week and doing nothing for a few hours.

He hadn’t even realised he'd been so relaxed that he’d dozed off until he awoke with the worst crick in his neck. Eddie stirred underneath him when he had accidentally flinched whilst rolling his neck, trying and failing to get the pain to ease.

“Sit up, and I’ll rub that for you,” Eddie offered, and no way was Steve going to turn down the opportunity to have Eddie’s hands on him.

Except Chrissy made a quiet disgruntled noise, “Ah, hon, I wouldn’t do that if I were you” she warned.

“Whaddya mean?” Eddie asked, affronted.

“Eddie, darling, my beloved best friend, I love you but, unfortunately for you, you’re the worst at massages,” she told him empathetically, as Robin snorted a laugh from under her arm.

“Am not!” Eddie squawked.

Chrissy snorted and raised her eyebrows, “No? Remember when Ronan dropped me? The PT sent me home with those stupid exercises, and you said “If it’s hurting I can massage it for you” I swear my neck still hasn’t recovered,” she teased, looking over to Steve, “Unfortunately your husbands got talon fingers, so if you want your muscles to still work, don’t let him anywhere near you!”

Steve had to bite the inside of his mouth to keep from smiling too broadly, as Eddie huffed and threw himself dramatically back against the arm of the couch. 

“Y’know insteada bickering we could just take advantage of the fact that his hotel has one of the fanciest spas in the country?” Steve reasoned.

“Oooh, spa day!” Chrissy squealed at the same time Robin grouched, “Ugh, spa day!”

It wasn’t that Robin was really opposed to the whole spa experience, in fact, once she actually got into the spirit of it she really enjoyed getting pampered, she just needed to seem reluctant to join in. He had tried to explain that it wasn’t selfish to do something to make herself feel good every once in a while, but it was like she just couldn’t accept it, always grumbling something about her parents and never really wanting to talk about it. Not that it stopped him from affectionately bullying her into experiences he knew she loved but would never choose to do for herself.

Steve had been surprised when the receptionist had told them to come right down, but when he was promptly handed a mimosa and directed into a hot tub, he wasn’t exactly going to complain.

He sighed heavily as the bubbles and the steam worked their magic, relaxing him from the inside out. Chrissy seemed to be the only one enjoying the experience with him, giggling happily as she poked him in the thigh with the tip of her toe. Robin was still pretending to be blighted and Eddie seemed to have gone suddenly shy since they'd been asked to remove all their jewellery, his arms crossed tightly over his chest watching sullenly as Steve's leg reached across the hot tub to poke Chrissy back, making her squeal with delight.

Steve reached down to take Eddie’s hand but found it was gripping tightly onto the edge of the seat, so he changed course and put his hand on his knee instead, leaning heavily into his space and planting a quick kiss on his cheek, “Y’okay?” he asked, but Eddie only nodded solemnly and just as Steve opened his mouth to ask what was wrong their names were called, and before he knew it he was laid out on a table next to Eddie in a room full of candles and essential oils, getting every knot in his body dissolved until he felt like he was floating on a cloud.

The masseurs left the room eventually and Steve found it took real effort to even lift his head, so he could turn to look at Eddie, who was already facing Steve, but his eyes were closed and, if the soft snores and drool pouring out the side of his mouth was anything to go by, was already fast asleep. He took the opportunity to close his eyes too, he wasn’t sure what Eddie and Chris had planned for the rest of their trip, but he hoped maybe they could spend the evening doing whatever Eddie wanted to do, just so they could put a smile back on his face.

He awoke when his name was softly called as he was manoeuvred into a giant fluffy dressing gown, helped to his unsteady feet and guided down a corridor, the only thing keeping him from a total state of bliss was being unable to see Eddie, but it wasn’t long before he was reunited with his three companions.

They were all lounging by a huge pool, steam rising steadily from its surface. Chrissy looked lost in the amount of fabric she was wrapped in, especially as she poked her tongue out as far as it would reach, trying to reclaim the straw poking out of her fruity cocktail. Robin didn’t look like she had to energy to hold anything, practically moulded into the sun lounger below her, glancing at Steve out the corner of her eyes, so she wouldn’t have to move her head.

Eddie smiled sleepily at him, patting the empty sun lounger next to him, practically waiting with his name on it, but it’d been ages since he’d had a proper swim and the water looked too good to resist. Leaning over Eddie he kissed him deeply, tangling his fingers into his bun with one hand and undoing the tie on his dressing gown with the other before in one swift motion he released Eddie, threw the fluffy towelling over his feet and within three strides threw himself into the water, diving in as graceful as a dolphin, as he’d always been.

The water felt amazing against his skin, but his muscles were too relaxed to do more than a few laps and he didn’t want to get out, but he also didn’t want to be so far from Eddie, so he swam up to the side where they were laid watching him, and called out, “C’mon guys, the water's great!”

Chrissy darted up like she wanted to get in but leaned slowly back against the chair as Robin flopped a dismissive arm at him. Eddie was just staring dazedly at his chest, seemingly tracing water droplets as they dribbled down his chest. Steve took it as a win, he’d always received the most attention as a teen when his adoring fans had been watching him glide up and down.

He was just considering getting out and going to sit in Eddie's lap when Robin purposefully cleared her throat, giving him a look that said don't you dare! Which was fair enough but if he wasn't allowed to ravish his husband, the least she could do was entertain him, “Bobbie,” Steve whined, splashing water at her, successfully landing a stream of water against her legs. 

She scowled and sighed heavily, “You’re not gonna stop until I get in, are you?”

Steve put on his best puppy dog eyes, the ones he knew she couldn’t ignore, “S’lonely in here all by myself,” he pouted.

She raised her eyebrows, glared at him for a second and threw herself out of the chair, hurling the dressing gown off her shoulders and dashing at him, “You’re gonna regret that Steeby” she yelled, cannonballing into the water. Surfacing quickly to chase him around the pool, splashing him in the face whenever she caught up with him. “Not showing off now!” she cackled, and she jumped on his back and pushed him under the water, enjoying tugging each other into the depths until they’d worn themselves out, Robin calling time as she hacked water out of her lung.

Chrissy was sitting up watching them, like a puppy stuck behind patio doors watching other dogs play, “Come join us,” Steve called, he didn’t want her to feel like she couldn’t join in if she wanted to. She got up, immediately flicking her dressing gown excitedly into her vacant seat, and then glanced at Eddie and sat straight back down.

“It’s fine, you go,” Eddie muttered, playing with a loose strand on the tie of his robe, purposefully not looking at any of them.

“S’fine, I don't mind,” Chrissy mumbled back, picking her drink back up.

“What’s going on?” Steve asked, because the more he thought about it, the more he realised Eddie had been in a weird mood since he’d suggested they go to the spa. Admittedly, he hadn’t thought much of it when he’d seen Eddie’s trunks were brand new, most people bought new clothes when they were going on holiday, but maybe?

“Nothing,” they both answered far too quickly, Chrissy now not looking at them either as Robin swam over to join him by the side of the pool.

Steve glanced between them both and was about to let it go when Eddie sighed heavily, “I can’t swim,” he admitted to his hands, “I had lessons, four years worth but…” he trailed off with a shrug. 

Steve suddenly felt terrible for showing off. He pushed himself out of the water, throwing on his robe and waving Chrissy into the water, waiting for her elegant splash before sitting himself down on the end of Eddie’s lounger, pulling his feet into his lap, listening to the girls giggling as he thought how best to broach such a topic.

It was obviously something he was self-conscious about, and he didn't want to make it worse, but it was something he needed to know. Summers learning to surf wouldn’t be possible if Eddie was terrified of water.

Luckily, Eddie saved him from trying to start the conversation, “I can swim, like I won’t drown if you throw me in there, but I’m not good at it,” he muttered.

Steve nodded in understanding, not everyone was a strong swimmer and it wasn’t something to be ashamed of, “Robin’s not a strong swimmer either,” Steve told him, effectively snapping Eddie’s attention to him

“She’s not?” Eddie asked in disbelief.

“No, have you not being watching her?” Steve asked with a breathy chuckle. Eddie did look around him then, watching Robin as she squealed and kicked wildly, barely keeping her head above the water.

Eddie looked back at Steve with a furrow between his brow, “What’s she doing in there then?” he asked like it was the stupidest thing she could possibly do.

“She loves it! Plus she knows she’s perfectly safe,” Steve admitted, smiling gently at Eddie.

He watched Eddie process what he'd said, watched the minute expressions as he thought about it, dazedly watching Robin over his shoulder, “But you’re not watching her,” Eddie murmured.

Steve smiled a little cockily, shrugged nonchalantly, “I know where she is.” 

It’d just been something he had found himself scarily good at, whether through instinct or practice, he couldn’t honestly say. The first summer after Billy had moved to Hawkins, it was like he was trying desperately trying to prove something to himself, hitting on as many girls as humanly possible, nearly getting himself fired on several occasions.

All the while he had actually been stalling, hanging around and waiting for Billy to see him flirting with whatever pretty brunette had caught his eye, as he came out to take over his shift. Billy would do it too, like they were simultaneously in some weird competition with each other and at the same time trying not to spend too long in each others proximity.

Strangely, all the not paying attention to the pool had actually made him a better lifeguard, like he could use his peripheral and hearing to recognise where people were, could pinpoint an accident waiting to happen better when it didn't have his undivided attention.

“How?” Eddie asked, a little starry eyed.

“Swim team co-captain for three years, lifeguard for five,” Steve admitted, scratching the back of his neck, for all his prowess he didn’t actually want him to feel like he was rubbing it in his face.

“C’mon Teddy,” Chrissy yelled from the shallow end of the pool.

“Evie won’t let anything bad happen to you,” Robin chimed in.

“You don’t have to,” Steve cautioned, “We can just cuddle up here,” he offered.

Except Eddie had already set his shoulders like he was determined not to let something spoil his good time, and Steve wasn’t about to argue with him. 

They ended up having a lot of fun, playing Marco Polo, eventually venturing into deeper water when Robin and Eddie wanted to play chicken. Steve did have a moment of panic when Robin pushed Eddie backwards off of his shoulders, but when Eddie came up laughing and demanding vengeance, Steve was more than happy to breathe a sigh of relief.

When Chrissy was retying her hair after Robin had nearly tugged out a chunk of it trying to save herself from crash landing in the water, Chrissy had lost the tie and while the three of them debated who should have to go down to fetch it, Steve just dunked himself under the water and brought it back with a grin.

Except instead of Chrissy being able to tie her hair back up, Robin snatched it from his fingers and flung it into the water, turning it into some weird game of fetch. Even Eddie had a go whenever it got flung into shallower waters but eventually the girls ended up in the deep end of the pool and were so caught up in whatever they were chatting about they hadn’t noticed they’d left Eddie behind.

Steve didn’t want to ruin their fun or draw any unnecessary attention to the fact that they’d been separated, so he casually scooped Eddie into his arms, making him laugh

“Having a good day?” Steve asked as he secured Eddie’s arms around his neck, pressing a kiss to his bicep.

Luckily for Steve, Eddie took it as him being romantic, which he supposed it was in a way, “Mhmm,” Eddie hummed, locking his own legs around Steve’s waist, “Are you?”

Steve wrapped his arms around Eddie’s back and started casually walking into the deeper water, “I’m having a wonderful day, I’m with you,” he declared, humming happily as Eddie kissed him, using the distraction to tread water over to their friends, Eddie only realising what he’d done when his back hit the pool wall.

He narrowed his eyes playfully at Steve in a I know what you just did way but he didn’t look upset by it, just snuggled closer into Steve as he held onto the side of the pool to make sure his legs wouldn’t get too tired.

Chrissy seemed to notice as she glanced up to the top of the pool, but other than an apologetic look, she didn’t draw attention to it. She did, however, thank Steve when they finally got out of the pool, wrapping her arms tightly around his neck and giving his cheek a quick peck as Robin and Eddie got further into their discussion about working hours and the blight of capitalism.

The foursome eventually headed back to the suite, intending to order room service for a late lunch but got back to find someone had left a message. Steve tried not to listen but although the space was large it wasn’t big enough not to hear Charlie’s voice coming through the speaker after the beep, “Chrissy!” Charlie cheered, followed by a purposefully flat, “Brother mine!” making them all laugh. “Just wondering if I’d be seeing you before you head home tomorrow? I know you’re both grossly in love, but spare five minutes for your favourite sibling?” Charlie pleaded.

Steve could practically hear the puppy dog eyes and tried to focus on that because if he thought too much about spending a night without Eddie, or about going home, he thought he might just sit in a ball and bawl like a baby. 

“I’m performing tonight,” Charlie announced flirtatiously, “Come down, you can finally meet Riley,” they added, and even Steve could hear how they were trying not to make it sound like a big deal and how much it obviously was a big deal that Eddie met his sibling's partner or at least partner to be. “Bring the spouses, of course!” Charlie tacked on, and it was impressive how they sounded simultaneously like it was obvious that they should be there but needed to use a faux exasperation to make sure they knew their partners were welcome.

Steve thought it must’ve been tough while they’d both been with Carver’s, he doubted either of them had been very warm to or accepting of Charlie; he wondered absently if that was one of the reasons Charlie had upped and moved across the country, hoped maybe he’d get a chance to ask.

It sounded like they were about to hang up when the phone crackled, “Oh,” Charlie yelled like they’d forgotten something, “You better have proposed, Teddy, or I’m doing it for you! If I have to tell you again how in love with you, he is, I might hurl,” Charlie really did sound exasperated that time and Steve wondered just how many pep talks Eddie had needed. The couple smiled at each other across the space until Eddie blushed and looked away as Charlie signed off, “Okay, love you both. Kisses.” Beep.

It was a lot of emotions for a message that lasted less than a minute. For as much as it had ended on a high, Steve couldn’t help the sinking feeling in his chest. He knew they were leaving, he and Robin were heading home themselves the day after, but the thought of actually going home terrified him because what if things weren’t the same? What if they went home and fell out of love as fast as they’d fallen in? 

What if Eddie had only fallen for him because of some kind of Nevada magic? And whatever had put Eddie under its spell had only ever intended for them to be a holiday romance. 

Or worse, what if Eddie did love him but something awful happened? What if he never saw Eddie again?

Steve could feel his breaths quickening and Eddie appearing at his side seemingly out of nowhere, made him jump out of his skin as Eddie lightly grazed his arm, but as Steve glanced up into those coffee ringed depths, so full of love and concern, Steve felt awful for even allowing those thoughts in. He knew Eddie loved him and even if there ever came a time when he didn’t, well, they could cross that bridge when they came to it. 

Eddie pressed a grounding palm against his forearm, slipping his hand up to hold onto Steve’s elbow, tugging him gently but purposefully into his embrace, pressing their foreheads together, feeling all at once a comfort and a promise.

Robin declared loudly that her and Chrissy were going out to eat and that they’d be back later, offered for them to join without actually giving them the opportunity to agree, making them chuckle, and dragged a giggling Chrissy out of the suite. When he opened his eyes to thank her and tears dripped down his cheeks, she just smiled tightly and nodded, pulling the door gently closed behind her. 

They both sniffled and kissed the tears off of each others faces, pulling closer, holding tighter, and Steve felt comfort in that knowledge that Eddie didn’t want to leave him as much as he didn’t want to leave Eddie. They kissed desperately, tugging hair and grasping waists and shoulders, never being able to keep their hands still.

Somehow they gravitated toward the sofa, Eddie flopping gracelessly down into the cushions, and it was only as he tugged on Steve’s hand for him to follow that it even registered in his consciousness. 

It was only then that it hit him that this was probably going to be the last time they’d get to be together, completely sober, before they left Vegas, and the thought of it just being a quick thing on the couch made his stomach turn. He wanted the chance to worship every inch of Eddie, to map his body like a lost pirate, and have the memory of it, just in case.

Steve shook his head gently and watched Eddie spring to his feet before he even had chance to speak around the lump forming in his throat, “What’s wrong?” Eddie asked, hands hovering over Steve, wanting to touch but unsure he was allowed.

He swallowed hard, shook his head again, “Nothing’s wrong,” he whispered, taking Eddie’s hands in his and kissing along his knuckles, then up his hand and along his wrist.

Eddie pulled his arm away before Steve had chance to get any further, “Stevie,” he breathed, concern pulling his brows together.

Pulling their hands back between them, Steve looked deeply into Eddie’s eyes and whispered, “Take me to bed, baby. Please.” It came out whiny, but Steve couldn’t find it in himself to care, not when Eddie let go of one of his hands to cup his jaw and brush his thumb over his cheek.

Not when he nodded and whispered “Okay,” not when he smiled like that and started slinking backwards towards the bedroom, tugging Steve along after him.

--------------------------------------------------

the angels on the tag list ❤️ @estrellami-1 @auroraplume @gregre369 @adhdsummer @nerdfighteratheart @anaibis @dolphincliffs @hbyrde36 @marinarasarah @deadflowercollector @lunabookworm @a-couchpotato @wonderland-girl143-blog @ddharrington @abstractnaturaldisaster @lololol-1234 @bestwifehaver @steviejeebiez feel free to lmk if you want removing 💖

[good-omens-heritage-posts]

Heritage implies age, these aren’t heritage posts they’re just posts you like

you aren't wrong, i've just decided that maybe that's okay tbh

[jankwritten]

JASICO WEEK DAY 3: Angst/Comfort

CW: major character death, grief

Nico runs his brush over the lettering on the face of the headstone, delicate despite the dirt worked into the cracks. He should be harder with it, he knows -  it’s not like he’ll be able to break it. The headstone is too new for that, not worn down with age like the others in the cemetery. The dirt around the grave is so fresh, weeds haven’t even begun to grow over it, not that Nico would let them. He’s gotten good at weeding. Pruning flowers. Anything, to take care of this spot. 

Jason Grace, the headstone reads. Beneath that, his rank, and years of service. The date he died. 

Nico brushes his thumb over the curves which mark Jason as seventeen on his day of death. One of the eldest in the graveyard. 

Back when he first heard, when Nico first felt the impact of Jason’s death like a saw blade through his gut, Nico couldn’t come visit the grave at all. Every reminder of Jason being gone was too much, the weight of loss sitting in him in a way Nico hadn’t felt since he was ten years old. He didn’t know what to do with himself, with his grief, except to cry, and cry, and cry. 

He’s glad to be past that stage. His heart still aches, every day is still hard, but Nico can breathe through it, now. He can clean the gravestone, and talk to Jason even if Jason doesn’t talk back. He can make sure this site is as respected as the man it honors. 

Nico adjusts the flowers Hazel brought last night, a bouquet of blue and purple and white. Jason would think they’re pretty. The smell would make him sneeze. 

His favorite color was yellow, though. Nobody ever brings Jason yellow flowers. Always blue, like his eyes, like the sky, like his father. 

Daffodils. Nico will have to bring him some daffodils tomorrow. And irises, and carnations. Maybe Persephone will help him put together a bouquet. She always had a soft spot for Jason, not that she’d ever admit to liking one of Nico’s friends. Whenever Nico would talk about Jason with her, she would listen with this look on her face, like Nico was saying the most interesting things. It felt good to know someone appreciated Jason in the same way Nico did. 

Maybe not the same way. But as close as someone else could get. 

“It’s been a good day today,” Nico says. He runs the brush over the crown of the stone again, gentle as before. “Things have been slow. Father hasn’t given me as many jobs this week, and there’s finally been a lull in attacks near the borders. Hazel and Frank are introducing a new bill to the senate tomorrow, which…well, I’ll tell you how it goes, then. I don’t want to jinx it for them.” 

A breeze blows through the valley. Nico leans back, tilts his chin up into it. 

He closes his eyes. He can almost imagine the wind in his hair is Jason’s hand, ruffling in a way nobody else has ever been brave enough. Easily affectionate, despite all the ways Nico threatened him, kept him at a distance. Jason was just like that, always eager to be there, to hold, to comfort. 

Gods, Nico wishes he could’ve accepted one more hug. Had one more conversation. 

It’s starting to rain. The temperature drops and the sky darkens and Nico can smell it, the dampness in the air. The first drops splatter across his cheeks and his nose, his lips. He doesn’t flinch. He’s used to sitting out in storms, now. 

“I love you,” he tells the sky. 

In return, the rain pelts harder, quickly turning from a drizzle to an outright downpour, soaking Nico’s hair to the root in seconds. His clothes stick to his skin. 

He still doesn’t move. 

“Don’t cry with me.” It’s silly, to act like the rain is Jason’s doing. Still. It helps Nico cope. Sometimes, if he imagines hard enough, he can still see memories of Jason’s grin, that scar on his lip, the tilt of his nose while the skies opened up around them, a display of power, a force of nature.

Nico never saw Jason cry. He supposes Jason never saw him cry, either. Just another thing they’ll never get to share. Another thing they missed. “You’re going to drown your flowers, at this rate.” 

The deluge does not die down. 

It’s enough to almost make him laugh, the sudden mental image of Jason scowling down at the flowers he doesn’t really like at all, the ones that make him sneeze and itch. Jason Grace, mighty son of Jupiter, champion of Hera, using all of his power to destroy a few flowers that have wronged him. 

Nico didn’t get to know that side of Jason very long, the side of him that was a young boy, the side of him who was a person. But gods, of everything they did get together, that is what he’s happiest to have had. The truth. Not the son of Jupiter, not the champion, not the praetor. Just the boy. 

Nico smiles, even as he cries, leaning back in a graveyard during a near-biblical rain storm. Nico smiles. 

Every day, it gets a little easier to. Every day, he hopes Jason is smiling back, from wherever he is. 

[jesuisgourde]

lol having no friends and no community and also being a person who doesn't drink and doesn't have the schedule to do theatre or the conviction to do activism fucking sucks lol i don't have any friends i don't know anyone i'm trying to find a roommate and haven't vibed with anyone except one person who decided not to move because of personal life stuff and like i don't know anybody and i really really don't want to get stuck with a roommate i don't like much because i've done that before and it's absolutely awful and it makes me want to literally die. also like i have no idea how to make friends or make a community. like i'm not a cis woman who wants to like have brunch and drink wine or whatever and i'm not into nerd stuff that has built in community like comiccon shit and i'm not passionate enough about the "alt" stuff that has community to join that community either. like what's that new meme going around about matching each other's freak or whatever. like i feel like my interests and things are weird they're just not weird in a combination or a theme that most other people have or if they do have my same interests they're either a) living with a partner already or b) in a totally different country across the atlantic

[x-adoringvoid-x]

Apparently that's called the 'irresistible force paradox'

[dentist-brainsurgeon]

Long Vent under read more

TLDR: Tired, Lonely, unhappy with living situation

These past 2 and a half years, especially these past six months have really nailed in just how stifled and suffocated I feel, there was a point where living with my aunt and grandma felt good, I felt loved and comfortable for once, I've lived with them for 8 years of my adult life, but the older I get, the more I realized this is just another restrictive household where I have to walk on eggshells. I have to pretend to be Christian, I have to pretend to be cis and straight, have to pretend I don't have mental problems, and when I'm angry, its always chalked up to be my period, and they always treat me like a child, and its getting more and more obvious as the years go by. I don't get to go out much, in the past two years, the only times I was out of the house for days, was when I was in the hospital, and despite the pain I endured there, I felt sad to leave, and I cried when I was given the OK to go back to work, I hated going back to normal. And the other time, very recently, was when I got to hang out with my best friend for a few days, and it was great! I loved it!! But it was so short lived, it was the only time I was comfortable being myself in public. and I hated going back to normal again. I don't really get to partake in hobbies until maybe when my aunt and grandma fall asleep, and even then I'm too tired to do much of anything. My time is never considered, scheduled for my first PT session? Oh family is coming over and they're going to borrow the car, work? Oh we're going to go eat out with a friend at the Cheesecake Factory, final doctors appointment? Oh I'm getting my hair dyed, Hang out with my friend that was planned for months that I made sure they knew about? we're going on a cruise!!! and many such cases, doesn't matter if I tell them, and put it on the calendar. Sure the house they live in is pretty nice and its good to actually have AC, wifi and my own room for the first time in a long time but, I really only get to exist in my room, if I'm lucky, and they're out of town for a few days, I can finally exist in the living room and I actually don't mind cleaning and I'm able to cook! When my grandma and aunt can't criticize every little thing. I wouldn't mind living by myself, with friends, or even the small chance of having decent roommates, I want to be around people I actually like being around, I want to partake in hobbies at any hour of the day, I just want out, I want to be able to live my life

[fishymom-art]

i finished season 4 of magnus archives and i am NOT okay

everyone's traumatized, but 4 lesbians, a muffin gay and a terrified asexual got a little win so that's good

[feralnumberfive]

My followers amount is about the same as the population of my town right now. Heyyyy small town in Iowa how are you guys doing 👋

[quill-n]

I think truly the worst pain as a creative is not being able to share your work

[front-facing-pokemon]

[sweet-star-cookie]

so i finished the teal mask dlc

[talentforlying]

one of these days i'm going to write up all that i've changed from azzarello's bullshit era and the one (1) piece i've kept from milligan (and also changed) and the only thing currently stopping me is that it is going to be so, so inside-baseball incomprehensible. and i almost never want to go reading/screencapping azzarello and milligan to add references but i Want to add references.

canon is goop, just know that we continue to ride the bus down "hellblazer ended at #250 and looks like swiss cheese before that" street.

[everymlmhybrid]

this part genuinely makes me feel like eating dry wall like i can't explain how i feel about it without making some of you finally tire of me and block me about it i think

[your-god-empress-lavender]

Henrow blorbo

first off, ohmyfuckinggodyouaresocoolllllllllllllllll

secondly, what ya workin' on currently? <- is deathly interested, yes please please please info dump if you have the spoons

- Ryan

Bonjour my furry friend. At the moment i'm mostly working on getting a job so that i can afford rent, but when i'm not doing that, i'm working on designing some new N-substituted 5MeO-tryptamines (in order to avoid being banned for breaking tumblr TOS, i can't say exactly what for, but if you look up 5MeO-tryptamines, you should see). So far i've only managed to make things that make me super sleepy (and maybe a tiny bit inebriated), so presumably my body is mainly metabolizing them into melatonin. I also have been working on working through the details of making a rocket engine which relies on both muon catalyzed fusion and z-pinch fusion (mostly because even though i know it's way above what i'm probably capable of, i just love space so much i desperately need to see it for myself and i figure that since rockets are so absurdly expensive, the only way i'll end up in space is if we can get a whole new generation of ultra-efficient rockets (for example, given p-N14 fusion, if we manage to get 1% or more (i don't really expect more than 0.1% max, but still) of the hydrogen fusing with nitrogen, we'd be able to put 150 tons on the moon from earth with only using about enough fuel to fill a small car (instead of needing a skyscraper sized rocket to send maybe 30 tons)). Now, if it were as easy as my calculations show it to be, i can't imagine how there are any rockets flown that aren't fusion, but seeing as i haven't even made a working proof of concept yet, i'm not in a position to criticize the thousands of aerospace engineers who are working on conventional chemical rockets. I love fusion because it's simultaneously so easy (i live pretty close to an old uranium mine where i can actually pan some uranium out of the creek near me, then use that uranium to make a neutron source (B10(α,n)) which is really just fusion between helium and boron, happening at room temperature because of how high energy the α particles released by uranium are) and so absurdly difficult (without catalysts like muons, it requires absurdly high temperatures and pressures that almost always take more energy put in than they can give out). Anyway, i've also been sorta working on studying a material that a while back i got way too excited over and may have called a room temperature superconductor (almost certainly not the case), but in an attempt to make it more pure and study it for real i've been trying to work on the exact calculations of its composition and finding a better way to heat it up to high temperatures (i might just put it in a flat-bottomed flask, especially since it finally warmed up enough for me to go back outside where the fumes released by its production won't make folks mad).

And then there's the biological experiments, currently with electroceutical tissue modifications since most of the other projects i have planned require me to have a gene printer capable of reliably printing genes thousands of base pairs long and i'm not sure when i'll be able to build that. The most recent thing i've been working on is really exciting because if it works it means that i've successfully done something that has never been done before to a human body (and given the long lasting pain in that part of my thigh, it seems very possible it is working), but i'm hesitant about sharing what the project is because i don't really want folks putting gap junction blockers, calcium channel blockers, and sodium channel blockers into open wounds without knowing how to do it safely and correctly to get the desired results and not just a really messed up wound. If/when this experiment turns out well, i might give directions in private, but i'm still somewhat hesitant due to the risks inherent in this (the biggest and most likely is literally giving yourself a form of cancer, something i'm not eager for others to risk). Soon i might try chemical dedifferentiation of skin cells (thinking on my back or upper arms) followed by some mildly dangerous experiments to test how reliably i can make it turn into other cell types. And while i haven't made good work on it in a while, i've also been trying to make something similar to shimmer from arcane (ideally not addictive or harmful to the user, but most importantly the quick energy burst, decreased pain, and increased regenerative abilities (obviously it won't be anywhere near as dramatic as in the show, so calling it shimmer may not really make sense, but it is where i got the inspiration)).

Then i suppose there's the battery project i was talking about in my last post, and i'm also trying to learn how to make alcohol under my desk (i mean, it's super easy, it just doesn't taste great). There might be a few more things i'm working on but rn i'm super eepy and have talked about a lot already. If this seems like i'm doing a lot or impressive, also note that i'm actively failing out of college (for my own pride: the material is super easy and mostly i already know it, i just can't stand wasting so much of my time doing homework that doesn't help anyone or anything) and not yet working a job, so i have a lot of time and so much free brainspace to think about and do all this. I also work very slowly on each thing because i keep bouncing back and forth between all of them and almost always end up adding new projects before i've finished the old ones and so i almost never see a project all the way through to completion (at least some of the bio projects are just sitting in my body and i am just waiting to see how they turn out in the next 2-3 months, so those necessarily will see completion, even if it's failure). I really hope i see the fusion rocket to completion because if i don't think i'll ever be able to see the earth from afar or the moon from up close.

[comediakaidanovsky]

jesus christ these audiences for roh/aew what the fuck. like i get that it's hard to sort structural things out when the company is in a tailspin but man do they need to do something drastic. however many monitors tk was hit with it was not enough