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Hey nonexistent uglies by Scott Westerfeld fandom what’s up
#uglies#my art#uglies series#idk what to add i just read the first three books and oh boy was that a wild ride#if my friends and i werent such hunger games kids back in the day we would DEFINITELY role play this universe#oh man i want to be Croy so badly#i would soooo roleplay as him or zane theyre SO my type of character#i wish croy had more peraonality#same for fausto and Ho#i am such a sucker for them#AND MAN DID I CRY ABOUT ZANE#SO. HEARTBREAKING#ugh i want to discuss these books w ppl but no one i know read them :(#nee way this was fine. trying to design characters that are supposed to look the same yet make them recognizable?#oof
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n... nice eclipse
anyway THE REUTNRRRR
#EXPLAINS NOTHING OF WHAT HAPPENED TO HIS SUN BUT DOESNT SOUND GOOD!#anyway his soft 'lunar?' when he realized bfdjd dying dying dying THESE TWO NEED TO HUG GDI#BUT oof lunar dissociating so hard i get u bud#(i kno its implied it might be something else but im choosing to believe its dissociating cause he just went Silent)#which yeah! yeah ur there but ur not gonna be there but u wanna be at least present for ur old friend#esp knowing he isnt at fault but new looks....#oh my godd do i even have time to draw anywa of this idk
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last rb stressed me out lowkey akakska i had an ex like that and it became a self fulfilling prophecy kinda thing..
#like oof where do i even begin#for one... would recommend looking up what pedestalling is so u can catch urself when ur doing it.#and. hm. honestly even working on self worth n whatnot i think rly internalizing not 2 pedestal ppl cuts out a lot of self sabotage#like hello ppl in ur life r there bc they choose to be. you are worth it to them and they are showing u that w action.#u gotta be vulnerable.. u gotta trust in other ppl.. cautious optimism is fine but 😮💨😮💨#i hate when ppl assume what im thinking and feeling and act upon that. assumptions on assumptions.#my mom was like that in a mean spirited vindictive way. my ex would spiral if i took too long to respond stressed as hell#thinking that i had all these horrible thoughts about her or that i was just using her like holy shit I'm just sitting here drawing ajsjka#i am trying to make friends. i am recovering from my own personal circumstances and trying to figure myself out etc.#was also actively working on finding myself as a trans woman bc it was so early in my transition.#idk. like damn ppl have Lives‚ hobbies‚ other ppl they talk to‚ they take time for themselves.#if u don't know and ur stressed about it‚ ask..? but then believe ppl when they answer idk.#sorry.. I've annoyed myself lmao. it was wild... things were dead simple on my end but she came up w hella things she swore HAD to have bee#true and after breaking up w her she kept DMing me w long ass self deprecating vents and mischaracterisations#i had to block her after a while like 😐 u ever see somebody go to therapy and get worse somehow#i cannot fw people who have low self esteem anymore but like i sympathize from a distance lol#hello from the other side of the interaction... self love/worth is hard but please try#ur mischaracterization of ppl based on assumptions is hurting them and it will alienate ppl n push them away#and then become a sort of self fulfilling prophecy.. but also take what I'm saying w a grain of salt 🤷🏾♀️#i just have my personal experiences
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I hate hate HATE knowing I'm switching/that we switched but already not knowing who I am orr who's stepping in or where the line is between me and that other alter
like we can tell when we're switching better with our meds but this makes the dissociation SO much worse and trying to think clearly about it makes my head fuzzy
It was a good day over all but since we've been masking less everything is a blur lately and I might be freaking out a little bit
#vent#kinda idk#it's not fun like people bitch abt that all the time but despite the good interactions we have ig there's a reason ppl harp on that#it's confusing and paralyzing and aagh#also ik somebody out there thinks we're completely fake#and idk if my siblings will treat me different if i tell them#and we don’t even hardly tell the friends who know when we switch#even if we want to we can't get the words out#im grateful to have what i have but im so tired of feeling this way#i wanna go to bed but i haven't finished any drawings yet#i have 2 going on 3 cuz we told purselves we'd finish the challenge even if it's not every day#but ugh oof between than and guitar practice and work and wanting to work out and-#just everything everyone wants to do#there's no focus#i cant drive until i can think clearly again so here u go tumblr#it's a nice night why is my brain stuck switching so bad#plzzzzz there's nothing happening we don’t need to dissociate this much#even if it's a flashback IT'S NOT REAL#THIS IS REALLY UNNECESSARY#but we ball
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Honestly though I think it’s really a bad sign when I look at Shin Tsukimi and literally feel like he’s a self insert 😩
#the klock keeps ticking#yttd#i wanna replay yttd so bad but i also like Gotta play other stuff with the time i have akskks#but yeah the brainrot this specific character has given me idk if I ever really talked about it but it was BAD#i like obsessively played the game in like 3 days and it was not a good idea lol but just like shin#i had to take like a week to recover from this guy cuz i couldnt stop thinking about him and how hes just like me fr#first off just the very inconsistent personality hes got going on that is very me he has these different personalities he wears to cope with#all the traumatic shit happening hes both so helpless its comical and so manipulative its terrifying#and idk its really interesting how like good and bad he is at being manipulative like hes very smart and can analyze weaknesses and lie so#good not even he knows the truth but hes also grasping at straws he doesnt think things through at all#like the second main game he just didnt prepare at all hes fumbling his way through everything its going so bad#he just wants to go home he wants to outdo the game makers but hes being used by them so bad he wants it to STOP#and its just the way that like. it hits so hard cuz you know hes really not a bad person not at all he doesnt want any of this hes just#being horribly manipulated and doing whatever he can to survive but its also really scary how#well hes able to lie and manipulate and claw his way through but hes also weaker than a grade schooler#and you never forget that either and as much as he cheated his way through he still failed it was all just a cheap trick in the end#and all of this hits very hard like his personality is eerily similar to mine and just the way he thinks and acts#cuz im the same like im weak and a dweeb who likes funny cats but im also emotionally detached and observant and selfish#but where it hits the hardest is his relationship with midori like oooof that one was too real just like#the first person who was ever his friend was horribly abusive and treated him like a child and didnt respect any boundaries#and he just got sick pleasure out of seeing shin be upset and he was like. a groomer#and shin was fucking relieved when he died but also kept his scarf and adopted his personality to survive#and still goes by sou after ch2 and the scene that gets me the most is when shin ai is asked about his relationship with midori#and you can just SEE how horrified shin is because his deepest shame his abuse is being shared to everyone without his consent#and hes reliving it all in that moment and literally seeing who he used to be experiencing the abuse#he just curls into himself and like covers his ears and pulls his hair thats literally what i do AAAAAA#im just so grateful for the direction they took this character kokichi ouma wishes he was shin tsukimi so bad#and yeah just like damn. its scary how similar i am to shin like damn i really am going through it huh oof#I LOVE HIM I LOVE HIM I WILL DEFEND HIM WITH MY LIFE HE DID ALL OF THAT STUFF YOUR HONOR BUT LISTENNNN#have you considered that hes cute and smart and weird and maybe just needs friends who arent assholes
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You know I didn't anticipate Armand becoming my favorite getting into the show.
#I would have never predicted it#I hardly knew anything about him when I started watching but now he's the biggest reason why I go rewatch some scenes every few days#like I really love the whole cast. every character onscreen is there to serve cunt. the cast has no weak links.#but Armand..... oof. he's occupying too much of my brainpace#this might as well be the Armand show for me. mentally it's.#idk what am I supposed to do until s3. I need to bribe my friends to watch the show so I can talk about this gremlin (affectionate)#I might like him too much. somebody plz talk to me about Armand. you would be doing Lord's service.#armand#iwtv#ash rambles
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so proud of myself for putting a big part of my last paycheck in my savings like an adult but now im gonna spend all my savings like an idiot 😵💫
#i mean i am paying cash for my first vehicle which is like...adulting pro level but....at what cost (the price) 😭#also its a very cheap rusty old car tbh but i need a truck for the farm basically#so even tho i could keep driving my dad's car to work since he works from home it makes sense#especially bc its three people sharing that car with me and my brother#and my little brother is a full time student w no job so im the full time employed one so i should be the one to get a car#but i was determined to not take out a loan so its not a super nice car#but i'm buying it from a friend of my mom at a steal basically#like who sells a decent working car for 1500 anymore#but thats literally my entire savings so.... 😬#no car payment tho which will be nice but aaaaaaaaa#and im worried its kind of a junky car and will need tons of repaira all the time and not be reliable#but my commute is really short and i never drive anywhere besides work which is good for an unreliable car#im not convinced its a great investment to put all my savings into an unreliable vehicle but my parents told me its a good investment so#😬👍#adulting yayyyyy#i am getting paid this friday tho so my savings wont be so alarmingly empty for long#but i have other big expenses so im stressed#however it is a nice christmassy red pickup truck which is good for a christmas tree farm#but last payday i was like why do i have so little money in my savings thats dumb and not very grown up im gonna put as much as i can spare#then a week later withdrew almost all of it for the car 🤡#possibly a stupid decision#but maybe a great one idk#and it saves my parents having to buy a trailer for my mom's car for farm stuff so they're gifting me $300 towards it#and it will be satisfying to buy it outright and have no debt on it#but oof it hurts so much to make big purchases#i've never spent this much money except on tuition#i dont know that its specially unreliable i just know its got rust and duct tape and they're selling it bc they'd rather have a car payment#bc they put more money into it than its worth#but its got new tires and brakes and passed inspection somehow with the rust sooo? maybe its not as bad as it looks 😂
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The worst thing about suffering is that it still hurts when the danger is over but no one cares about it anymore because it shouldn't hurt. No one will ever say "I'm sorry that happened to you" especially when they barely say "I'm sorry that's happening."
#Okay to tb btw all the personal stuff is in the tags#Like. Not eating for a week because you couldn't get groceries hurts#and people will say 'oof sorry that's happening' but then#after you're able to get food no one will ever say 'I'm sorry that happened' even though you think about it and hurt from it constantly.#No one will ever say ':( that must have been so hard' because you're fine now right???? No psychological damage there?????#This example is stupid but I do think about it every time I feel hungry. I told people I wasn't able to get groceries#and there was no food in my house. And they said. Oof.#Instead of idk Oh God Are You Okay ??#No one cares when you've been abused your entire life and behave the way you do out of genuine terror because your brain is fucked forever#They don't say 'I'm sorry that happened it must have been really scary to turn you into Such An Asshole. I pity you like a dog :('#Speaking of man everyone loves fucked up abused terrified dogs and wants to be the one who makes them open up#And shows them that people can be good and kind and that touch doesn't have to hurt#But everyone is scared of fucked up abused terrified people#Humans are capable of harm even more than dogs and fear is understandable but.#Can you please call me good boy and shush me and tell me nothing's going to hurt me and let me curl up on your lap#And not hit me if I get scared and start to growl and feed me good and take me on walks and play with me#Even though I'm not very fun to play with and I'm still learning what's fun and what's mean and what's a toy and what's a hand#Plleeeaaase don't be jealous of a dog that doesn't eat good don't say 'tch he's so thin what am I doing wrong'#I want to eat good and grow and gain fat and be warm and be comfortable I don't want this#Don't say 'if abused dogs don't eat good then I don't deserve to either' no no no no eat good so you can take care of us both#Please please please I learned so many tricks to make people happy and call me smart but I don't actually know how to do anything I'm#Literally like such a stupid dog it takes me like one day of no one paying attention to me for me to become un-housebroken#I make a lot of mistakes even though I know better or I really should know better#And sometimes do things wrong on purpose to get attention either yelling or showing me how to do it right#But most of the time I genuinely don't know how to do stuff because I was never taught or I was taught and#My previous owners said 'this is how it is. It is this way because it is and it is forever. The answer is Because.'#'now quit asking repetitive questions before I pop you'#If I do something Because and not know the reason why I'm doing it that's not learning that's acting#Especially habits taught specifically to hurt me and not being allowed to question it or know why I'm being hurt#Oh my god I acted out so much when I was younger and all my friends were so disgusted and hurt by me and yelled at me every day
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at least now i've gone through an important tumblr rite of passage, watching a longtime mutual become a radfem :/
#the thing that really got me was that they were talking about their morality ocd triggering them about it#bc of the way tumblr and the internet in general has this black and white approach to things#and one of those i guess was 'transphobes = bad' which like. is not what i'm ever talking about when i say that things have more nuance#that said i DO think that the way this website prioritizing hating terfs over supporting trans people is kinda gross#but anyway this person was so anxious about it and it just was depressing bc i related to that#they were SO afraid of losing friends or being cancelled over it and i was just like damn i wonder if all terfs are that miserable#but they acted like they just had no choice but to believe this 'thing' that they constantly alluded to but never talked outright about#which i am pretty sure now is just that they're a radfem or at least believe in a lot of radfem ideologies#and honestly? i go back and forth between genuinely feeling so bad for them and being like well that's what you fucking get#i wish i'd had the courage to talk to them about it but whenever i thought about it i got immeasurable anxiety#sorry for the very long tag ramble i just haven't been able to talk about this and it's been eating ME up too for a long time#i just feel horrible. i know in the past they've mentioned too how they want people to tell them why if they unfollow/block them#but i can't. i cannot. and then i'm afraid of just feeding into their victim complex by doing this#i just can't win. and it's like. i'm trans i am literally affected by their bigotry that they're acting like is just not even a choice#ALSO I REMEMBER HOW THEY MADE A POST ONCE ABOUT HOW PEOPLE IRL DON'T TALK ABOUT TRANS STUFF#LIEK IDK WHAT PLANET YOU ARE LIVING ON MY DUDE BUT I HAVE LIKE 5 TRANS COWORKERS AND EVERYONE IS VERY NORMAL ABOUT THEM#like maybe YOU live in a bad area#but you're just a really loud minority#anyway. yeah. just. oof.#still feeling some kind of anxiety about it#win rambles
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i just love love. i love to feel love. sometimes i find myself overflowing with love. it's purifying and intoxicating at the same time. i love love.
#i just don't necessarily feel the need to do anything about it. it's just a feeling. or a way of life idk#it's like oof love love love. you know? that's it. but also it's everything. it's simple. but it's overwhelming. which is good.#and because the feeling itself is so rewarding why would i want to do anything about it you know?#this is me trying to explain what being aroace feels like to me#i do feel love. so much of it. i feel it when the sky is purple in the late afternoon and when a baby smiles at me on the bus and when a#tree sways in the wind and i think it must be so nice to be so firmly planted yet so free and graceful.#i feel it when a student gets something right and when i look at my favourite character online and when i read a good line of poetry.#i feel it when i'm around people i care about i feel it when i have a warm cup of tea i feel it when i'm playing music.#it's all love. overflowing and transformative. every time i feel it i become more at peace with the world.#why would i want to do anything about love like tell someone i wanna be theirs exclusively when i feel the same (beautiful#and beat skipping) thing about a warm bath and my friend's cat taking a nap against my side on the couch ?#it's not about the having it's about just feeling it. just saying it. i think#rain.stuff
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Misplaced Life
It started
I didn't even notice at first
But there they were
And here I am
I made them my family
My life
They shaped me
And now
Now they have slowly gone
They picked themselves up
Learned to live a new life
But I can't find the pieces
I carved out of myself
I misplaced myself
But they found themselves
#orginal poetry#poem#lost friends#lost frienship#sad thoughts#life#sorry for being depressing#writing#depresión#mental health#oof#drifting#idk how to tag this#idk what else to tag#mentally fucked#fuck my life#sorry for the rant#sorry for the tags#ihml
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they should invent a my brain that isn’t sad
#having a rough day friends. sigh#i would be unstoppable if i weren’t so sad all the time….#idk if it’s the untreated adhd or What but. oof#moxie.txt
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PLEASE ELABORATE ON THE CHILDHOOD FRIENDS HOLLY AND MOTHFRIEND
OK SO
ALL IVE GOT RN IS V BARE BONES BC IT WAS LITERALLY JUST A SHOWER THOUGHT
basically!!
At some point during Hollow's early childhood, PK, Hollow and a small entourage of knights/ soldiers have to travel to a pretty far away kingdom for. King stuff.
Coincidentally, a certain organisation that still follows the Radiance is based there, and once they hear that there's a mysterious "secret weapon" accompanying the king, they plan to steal it.
Don't ask me how it happens bc idk yet lmao BUT they manage to grab PV and are INCREDIBLY confused that this "weapon" is a small child. Normally they wouldn't care all that much and just get rid of them, but they notice that PV is a little off.
Their eyes are a little too dark, they move a little too silently, and when they were LITERALLY KIDNAPPED, they didn't make a sound. Somehow, the pale usurper has managed to create a void child, no doubt in an attempt to kill off whatever remains of their goddess; smother her light with the dark of the abyss.
BUT
PK is a god of light too. SURELY a void child raised under the teachings of Her light will see reason, see that the Radiance isn't the one whose light they must smother.
SO long story short!! PV is raised alongside the child of OOF's leader (guess whoooooo) and though they are raised to become a weapon against their own father, they have no idea about the whole "pure vessel" business, they've just deduced that Hollow has (or will grow up to have) the ability to kill a light god using their void abilities.
So!! They do actually get a pretty normal childhood!! Aside from the indoctrination and any other complications that may arise from being raised in what is essentially a cult. They have a friend at least????
Eventually, something happens to make Hollow and mothfriend want to leave (maybe they learn of their parentage???? Or they learn about the infection or something) and PV and mothfriend set off to Hallownest, the closest thing to a safe place away from OOF that they can think of.
Queue 2 chaotic teenagers with giant crushes on each other on a months long road trip lmao
#Hollow would be about 16 ish#mothfriend would be about 17#asks#idk what to call this au but I wanna make some art of it#AND OOF would DEFINITELY give hollow an ironic asf name so I've gotta think on that#ocs#childhood friends au
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Hulloooo! I just restarted my island last week! It's my personal nightmare currently but it'll get there. How have you been?
I’ve been pretty good! This weeks been a bit of a time cause I had cold that just completely zapped all my energy, but other then that, I’ve been doin pretty ok. Nothing to stressful or crazy and nothing too like.. exciting to talk about I guess, lol.
Hmmm, I think the most exciting thing that has happened is that I drove home from ‘the big city’ and I even drove in it, so like…. That was a bit crazy! Slowly getting there on the driving thing lmao.
I’m both really excited about starting over my ac island and like. Nervous lmao. I never really got very far in decorating it tho, so I’m looking forward to a completely fresh slate with it!
How about you? Anything cool, or just acnh (nothing wrong with that if it’s the answer tho 🥰).
#other then that.. my life has been taken over by sleep token (so please just blacklist them if you don’t like them cause I swear it’s all I#even post about anymore😭😭😭😭 I’m still confused about how I got here tbh.) and I’ve been knitting more again. and crocheting way more.#so that’s been my life oof#hihi!!!#kirishiimis#milo🖤#idk if this is.. like I just wanna be reassuring here but like I want you to know that.. like I still think of you very dearly as a friend#and I know you’ve been very busy with The Baby💛 but like I want you to know no matter the breaks you take I’m still here!#I hope that’s coming across the right way tho#I’m trying very hard to unmask my adhd and anxiety and just tell people things so I’m sorry if what I’m saying isn’t even making since oof#oh!!! idk if I told you this or not (oh well) my mom got a job so now I’m just.#constantly home alone which is cool lol. it’s been pretty good for my mental health tbh#hmmmmm. idk I feel like when people ask me for updates it’s just my hobbies cause nothing happens in my life anymore😂😂😂😂😂😂#edit: I did absolutely tell you about my mom getting a job… I think…… hmmmmmmm#eh doesn’t matter lol. I told you again🤷🏼🤷🏼🤷🏼
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Zjdbjzjd
If someone tells you their name is [name], then that's their fucking name. Stop trying to find out what "their actual name" is
So-
I'm having a birthday party this Saturday, (it's also a friend's nameday and we decided to celebrate it together) So we made a group chat with everyone to invite them.
We mostly have common friends so like, approximately 10 of the kids are our common friends, 5 are mine and 5 are hers
But it's cool cause we all go to the same school so yknow, not everyone is that close but we'll manage
Except one person, I invited someone that my classmates don't know, actually 2 of them know this person and have been friends for years (I met this person through them) and my best friend has also met this person one or twice
So we're gonna name this person Bob, so, Bob is not a greek name.
Today one of my friends was like who is this "usernameman guy?"
And she was talking with my friend who's met the guy and my friend was like his name is Bob
But she was like "There's no way his name is bob" so that's why they called me and asked me what usernameman's name actually was and I'm like "it's bob"
"But how can it be bob? His parents named him that?"
"That's what he introduced himself to me as. I guess it may be a nickname but that's how people call him so"
"Well I'm gonna call him Mpampi then"(or something very greek starting with the letter of the guy's actual name)
"His name is Bob"
...
Like. Ok. I know- I can tell, Bob is not the name he was given by his parents, I know his very greek last name. I've overheard people calling him by a different Greek name.
Still. He introduced himself as Bob. Their Instagram bio has "Call me Bob, they/she/he" and fanart with the non binary flag as a photo profile
In greek you can't really refer to someone with they/them so they're always referred with he/him pronouns (tho I've noticed sometimes they use feminine words for themselves like καλή) honestly I've been meaning to ask if they would also like to be called η Bob instead of ο Bob etc
My friend dropped the subject assuming I just don't know "his actual name"
But later as we were waiting for the bus one of their friends (I mentioned above I met this person through 2 other people) was there so my friend was like "oh he must know! [Dude] do you know what is usernameman's name?"
And all 3 of us(me, dude and my best friend) replied together that it's Bob
"That can't be his name! Dude whats his name?"
Dude: "it's... Bob"
"Are you kidding me how can it be Bob?!"
At that point my best friend snapped like "What's gotten into you my[girl]? Can you just drop it? The human is named bob" (Μπομπ τον λένε τον άνθρωπο, sounds more friendly in greek)
At that time Dude's parents arrived so he left but I saw his face. He didn't want to have that conversation
I'm sure he knows "his actual name" since they've been friends for years
But if the person introduces themselves as fucking Bob then call them Bob, why you gotta ask everyone
#honestly she kinda annoyed me#like idk if shes that bothered by the non greek name cant she just assume the guy is albanian or something and move on#like half the kids from our class are from Albania and they have non greek names#why was she so freaked out by 'bob'#like everyone is telling you his name is bob why are you insisting#and ok sure i said 'i think it's a nickname' but THATS WHAT PEOPLE CALL HIM#why do you need his fucking ID#oof ok. just wanted to rant on here#*just to clarify i just came up with 'bob' for something to write here. Bob is not the actual name the person uses#you know what. now that i think about it#my friend (the girl who created the drama) technically doesn't use her real name either#shes written as something else but people call her like a different version of her name#like the last 2 letters are not used and she also writes it with ι instead of η and she doesn't like her 'actual' name at all#either cause it sounds ancient or boyish (at least i thought it was a boy's name when i first met her. but i guess i just didn't know#ancient grammar cause i heard a teacher saying η (ονομα) της (ονομα) and it sounded pretty girly)#what if we started calling her 'her actual name' now#sugarenia thoughts#sugarenia talks#sugarenia has friends#sugarenia vent#sugarenia rants
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Girl like. The reason he said "this is how it should be" and faced death with a smile....is cuz he wanted to die. For 2 years he sat there thinking he was worthless and deserved to die. If he hadn’t be shot, his death would’ve been suicide, he was fully planning to die in a gutter somewhere undetected. When saying "this is how it should be" hes literally saying "don’t cry because I’m dying, my death is a good thing actually because I fucking suck and you are better off without me". I don’t think that’s badass even slightly, it’s actually really sad and really shitty. Shinjiro is so convinced that he deserves to die and hates the idea of anyone giving a shit about him because he literally can’t wrap his mind around the idea that he will be missed when he’s gone, that his death is a bad thing actually. And his last words were meant to be comforting because he fully did not intend for anyone to be there when he died, he intended to die alone, so he says them as a reminder that he’s not worth crying over
Personally, if it were me, if I was holding my dying best friend in my arms who was deeply depressed and suicidal and he said "this is how it should be" uh. I wouldn’t admire him for it??? Like am I losing my mind when I say the way this game handles Shinji is bad or is anyone else seeing this too 😰
#its like okay listen i understand the basic math of any persona game they say things and everything they say is actually#very bad when you think about it for more than 3 seconds#like what theyre intending to do with the death of this character is be like oh no your sad friend dies tragically thats so saddddd#but that doesnt mean you cant live a wonderful life full of meaning you cant let grief consume you life is beautiful awagga#and i guess shinji is a specific character whos used cuz i guess its more tragic that he never realized he was worthy of life and shit#and i guess its also like ‘dont be like this guy who let grief consume him and then died you gotta Be Different’#which i dont. love. that last part cuz if you think about shinji and what led him down this road#its like. of course hes depressed! he accidentally killed a woman with a child when he was 16!#he himself is an orphan and he just made some other kid an orphan as well and it happened cuz his persona went out of control#which very much can translate to ‘this must mean im dangerous and can hurt everyone if im not kept under control’#so of course he isolated himself and believed he was evil and became suicidal like who wouldnt feel that way#like am i supposed to be mad he left sees and took drugs cuz uh while i dont think isolation or Evil Drug is good for his mental health#i dont think him continuing to fight in sees is something he can just easily do again given how he killed someone like he shouldnt have to#be a part of this thing anymore like how would he even safely get castor to not do that??? he cant kill more people on accident!#so yeah like using shinji as an example of bad coping mechanisms is already just. a big fucking oof to me like it just feels like the game#is saying he shouldve gotten over it and simply not be suicidal and stayed on the team. idk if thats the intent but uh it wouldnt faze me#cuz persona games are notoriously awful at writing characters who are traumatized and abused#but what makes everything even worse is how the game kinda like. acts like shinjis death is a stepping stone#like we’re supposed to use it as a wake up call and understand the stakes but keep going on anyways#and akihiko and Ken get. ‘great character development’ according to the game telling you they have now developed#but damn all akihiko is is just repressed he cries for 3 seconds and then is like I SHOULD MAN UP and then neglects a depressed child#shinjis dying words are words to live by now even though they piss me the fuck off like girl am i crazy HES FUCKING#HES TELLING ME NOT TO CRY OVER HIM BECAUSE HE SHOULD BE DEAD ACTUALLY AND THIS IS A GOOD THING ACTUALLY#like if the game wants us to still find meaning in life despite losing someone it just really hurts that shinji has to die for that to work#apparently. cuz the character i see myself in is shinji. not some perfect prettyboy who does everything perfectly and has 4 gfs#his death seems like a punishment for bad behavior. the bad behavior being of course depression and drug use. and im simply supposed to be#better than that if i want to live. and we dont get to form a connection with him cuz thats gayyyyy#and his death is like a NOBLE HEROIC SACRIFICE idk its just such bullshit to me i hate it so bad#how is killing a suicidal guy and then treating it as admirable that he said ‘this is how it should be’ supposed to make me feel#makes me feel sick personally and it ruins the entire game’s theme to me because its fucking shallow and the story is bad and im tired
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