#[ it's still a bit in progress tho whoops ]

[linked-maze]

I was wondering if you had any tips for the process of comic making? like, for example, how to cut corners and streamline the process, and keep track of where characters are on a scene, etc etc. if not that's okay :)

oh, man! my way of doing comic progress is a mess XD but I'll try- so for me seeing the whole thing coming together makes me extremely motivated! even if it didn’t turn out the greatest I move forward. How do I keep track of characters in a scene? I just have it all up in my head? but if you want to, you can draw a map of the place. I'm still not the best at doing this either XD Sometimes I mess up. as you can see right here-

like where did the rocks and vines go? whoops XD

or here, the hole of water was so close to the other hole of water but then later on it's not XD so yeah- I gotta get better at this as well. Any tips for cutting corners? I would recommend reusing drawings but changing small things on them, like here-

I do this a lot- where I just tilt their head XD or sometimes I won't put shade on the characters- even tho the shading looks a lot better- but if the scene is not that important then I won't bother that much

just minimal shading under the neck and hair sometimes. I'm still learning and wanna get better in the future with how I do my panel setup and the pacing. I make a lot of spelling errors or art mistakes that I wish I could go back to fix or redraw- but I feel like if I did that all the time I would never have time to work on the newer pages! anyway! hope this helped just a tiny bit! I have no idea how I do things sometimes so I'm a terrible teacher XD

[johnslittlespoon]

HI I'M ALIVE i swear this is a pattern at this point, i post a new fic/chapter and disappear for a phat day (or two) lmaoo i literally get The Fear and i have to avoid notifs/comments for a bit <33

that being said, wept reading the comments on TAS, i'm so so thankful y'all are vibing with it because i was NERVOUS about posting my first ever modern au and i wanted to make sure it still felt true to the characters but everyone's been so unbelievably kind i'm so wahhahhhh :')) i appreciate the sweet words SO so much, it's so reassuring and so motivating <33

so motivating actually that i'm already halfway done ch2... whoops? litch rally buzzing with how excited i am to write, i don't think i've ever experienced this which sounds strange but like. okay hold i can already tell i'm gonna go on a tangent so let me cut myself off with a read more lmaoo

idk, does anyone else ever sometimes feel like even though obviously we all write fic for enjoyment because we do it for free, sometimes it feels like a chore? not in the sense that i feel obligated to write, but just that even though i feel passionately about what i want to write, it's just hard to get my brain into gear (adhd aside) even when i really want to. i'm just thinking out loudddd now but my concerta just kicked in so it's inevitable LOL word vomit and thought processing is apparently a necessary part of my writing process smh

writing yad(iym) has honestly been so helpful with this because one of the biggest things that i struggle with when writing is that i have a super vivid imagination and can picture exactly what i want to portray/convey, but sometimes i don't know how to get there, but with the dog coded fic i have the timeline of the actual show to follow, so it takes a lot of pressure off in that sense! it's sorta like filling in the gaps because i have something base level to work with.

but 99% of the time when writing, i don't have that, so i end up avoiding my docs often because i feel stuck in terms of progressing the storyline, and my writing process drags on so longgg. i'm finding too now that i'm writing my first (and second oops) actual long fic that oneshots are actually more difficult for me to finish for some reason despite most of mine being shorter than a singular chapter in my fics, which is funny because i was so terrified of commitment starting a chaptered fic but i've ended up being more consistent.

anyway point is, i adore writing yad(iym) and it's been the most fun experience i've had fic writing, but now that i've sorted out the world building aspects for tough and sweet, everything is just flowing and instead of having to sit myself down at my desk and kinda just force myself into the zone, i cannot drag myself out of my docs?? and i've never had that happen but i'm definitely trying to take advantage of it while it lasts and get as much written as possible!

i think it also helps that it's so lighthearted compared to the angst of yadiym (tho i've got some angst planned for tas too lol sry) so i don't have to think as much about the weight behind certain dialogue, or carefully plan out the progression of the relationship dynamic the way the time period/setting of yadiym requires. it's a nice breather from the constraints of the mota–verse (as much as it's still my favourite thing to read/write with these boys), but i also enjoy getting to sink back into that doc when i want something deeper than the little biker boys.

i'm still very much working away on yadiym tho to be clear!! i was scared to start tas before i finished it in case i hyperfixated on tas and my updates got slow on yadiym, but it's genuinely helped me find a balance because i'm always working on one if i'm not working on the other <3 i'm about half done ch6 too for yadiym (how many times can i type that in one post jfc), i'm just at an internal emotions heavy part which i Hate. writing lmaooo give me dialogue or smut and i can type away for hrs but introspection?? internal conflict? hell

ok that's all my fic related rambling thank uuuu/apologies if u sat thru all of that LOL lmk if your writing process/mindset is similar or not bc i'm always curious about how other people's brains work with this stuff!! also how does one get over feeling obnoxious about rambling on their own acc like. this is my acc. i could post 100 times a day if i wanted. i need to Relax good god

[capriciouscaprine]

no work or internship today!!! still gotta ingest food tho

(btw I ended up not having that chocolate yesterday! I just didn't feel like it! I genuinely wasn't hungry!)

had two fried eggs (honestly how are fried eggs all that different from an omelette that you don't scramble or fill?) so 120, then coffee for 25, and felt a bit hungry so I went for a walmart fiber brownie (90, which is 20 higher than a fiber one brownie but chewier instead of dissolving when you eat it)

like I said above the break, I basically have today off, but all that means is I HAVE TO dedicate it to working on my degree paper (due with other stuff on the 10th this month); I have to tell myself that the more I get done today, the less I'll have to do later, and maybe I'll even get to relax before everything is due (doesn't feel possible tbh)

I think I'm just gonna snack/eat freely today as I feel hungry, which, thanks to what I've learned about myself and learning to listen to internal signals about fullness (very much a work in progress) plus not having many (if any really?) 'danger' foods in the house (cookies that have a stated serving size of less than the full cookie, for example), I'm not worried about it turning into a rampage and I don't think it'll even qualify as a meta day?

I am going to record my numbers as I go (...yeah I'm deffo stuck doing that now, whoops), but if a snack keeps me from getting distracted from my paper, then I'm going to have it, this paper (and everything else I've got due after it) HAVE TO be my priority today

[lumen-tellus]

thinking about those old longfics that i rambled about in the tags that ive dropped but still really, really want to write.......................... yknow, i honest to god dont know when ill ever actually write them so maybe i Should just drop some notes on what was supposed to happen in them lmao lmao

(and it will help if i do end up coming back to them to fully write out some day. lol. maybe. probably. i hope loooool)

a room by the ocean

-> endgoal is for Yumeno and Ouma to say "sayonara biches!!" to the town they're staying in currently and move to some other place. a titular room by the ocean.

how do we get there tho? god i wish i knew man beats me

-> also along the way, Friendship(TM) happens!!!!!!!!

-> and some backstory stuff; how both of their "past selves" aka pre-show attitudes and circumstances still linger and affect them:

Yumeno coping with her history as being the child of two former show participants, essentially repeating history with herself and both sympathizing and rejecting her mother.

Ouma having to deal with the semi-clashing personality he has now and deciding who exactly he wants to be, and by extension, what he wants his life to be now in light of everything past and present.

-> ofc some conflict in the form of asshole reporters and fans finding out and following after them like creeps + both yumeno and ouma were still fans of the show once upon a time even if they both really detest it now, so trying to deal with that in perhaps each other is going to be a whole rip fiasco in some sense (also theyre like, living reminders of the show just by being next to each other so lmao for them).

-> i WILL get my saiouma happening here too. also just in general friendshippy with the trio will happen somewhere!!!!!!

genometrics

-> oh yeah i also had a platonic shirogane-ouma spaceship au fic that i forgot about too. whoops

-> i have even less of an idea how i was supposed to make them friends but that was the endgoal of the fic lmaooooo

-> fic would be loosely structured like its source inspiration - a genometrics/cosmosphere dive, except without the whack brain surrealism lol. it's real life, and each chapter would "progress" their friendship much like progressing a level.

-> probably another place where i would slip in worldbuilding for the au lmao lmao

home, riding home

-> i said time travel mystery fic ft. zhongli and tartaglia but its not time travel and tartie isnt childe either

-> anyway im just going to drop the reveal lmao: the tartie is tonitoni

wow gasp shock woooooowww who couldve eveeeeeer guessed that The tonitoni writer is actually writing the suspiciously teenaged girl tartaglia to actually be tonitoni!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! /sarcasm

-> also zhongli didnt time travel, he timelined traveled - he wakes up in a timeline/alternate history teyvat thats lagging behind just a bit temporally, where the tartie is tonitoni and where the rite of descension has yet to take place.

to specific, he wakes up in the body of his other self there

he doesnt realise this bc well it's his exact same body + he mistakes the potent geo energies within him - which is actually the soul of his other self, forced into slumber bc of the timeline jumping antics - for his gnosis

-> the other funny mystery beat i was going for - tonitoni has the gnosis. she just grabbed it right out of her zhongli in a petulant, violently arguing fit by accident and the sheer, sudden force of taking it from him rendered him briefly unconscious.

she panicked tho and thought she killed him tho lmao rip tonitoni is such a funny little silly meowmeow <3

anyway bc of this, she basically yelled at the leylines to grab his soul before it disappears into the ether - and bc she wasnt thinking straight, she didnt notice that he isnt really dead and his soul hasnt moved on from the material plane

the leylines also meanly did not correct her on this, mostly bc thats not really their job, and simply dutifully complied with her garbled command to go grab a zhongli from the leylines. hey, conveniently, theres a zhongli in a domain close to the leylines in another timeline, that should do!

so yeah this technically means she also knows zhongli is rex lapis and not just a regular consultant at this point, which goes halfway unnoticed bc half the time theyre in public anyway so she cant actually go around addressing him as an archon lol

-> besides all this plot, there was gonna be a fair bit of chara rumination!!

it would heavily feature zhongli debating his future post-archonhood, what he wants to do in life and what he wants from life both. primarily the grappling of moving on from centuries of duty to a more self-centered, human existence.

on tonitoni's side, it would be the exploration of a friendly, almost mentor-like, almost parental relationship between her and zhongli.

-> childe will show up eventually and oh boy hes going to look at tonitoni and it will immediately become a disaster im tellinggggg you

also there will be chili endgame. there will be. that is the point of retirement u old noodle!!!!!!!!!!

-> fic ending is that tonitoni uses her free tree privileges to send zhongli and childe back after all the mysteries are sorted out (and just in time for the rite and the farce of a plan to proceed) ft. some emotional moments bc tonitoni is going to be super intensely staring at her brother in the head the whole time otherwise lol

sun in retrograde

-> aka noah "celestia" ebalon gets a field trip in retrospection at how much his childhood sucked ASS!!!!!! ft. worldbuilding

celestia gets to happily hate on his shitty parents, encourage his younger self to be more confident, and feel both appreciative and sad with more mature nuance over his brother

he will also ruminate a fair bit on how the past is like and what it will become from here on, knowing what he does from the future and the secret things going on (like the machinations of the cult of henir and such)

the worldbuilding will focus on magic systems, family dynamics, and elrianode nobility and customs

-> as for the actual plot-to-plot beats: good question!!!!!!!!!

well i know he'll stick around in the manor as a supposed expert magic tutor for harque, probably - celestia thinks this is both incredibly funny and also kinda whack honest to god

harque is also probs just going to wave him off like "i can tell you're not that interested like sure i'll take some tips but please do as you like ^^"

which celestia btw happily accepts so he can research how to go back to his own time and also maybe not worry too much about fucking up the timelines with his own meddling. epitome of "whatever happens will happen!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" in his head as he psyches himself through his research

he takes breaks in between of course though, accompanying harque or his younger self - who he definitely imparts more actual magical teaching to - and bonding with them, while internally musing about the outsider pov of seeing his own childhood self and brother with fresh eyes.

clamor btw is going to take one look at younger noah and be like "i understand so much about why you were like That now. also im going to squish his cheeks even more"

also at some point younger noah falls sick and misty shows up to care for him and celestia is simultaneously "idc my revenge plot was a whole life/timeline ago" and "you canNot be standing in front of me and pretend that you dont know whats up heLLO?!?!?!?!?!??" inside his head, which is otherwise politely smiling at her.

also "misty is an ebalon cousin" hc in full force here; shes from a branch family of the ebalons, i swear if the game canon itself doesnt prove me right i KNOW im right anyway SOMEWHERE

the final plot-plot beat is that harque figures out what celestia's magic research is really about (time travel) and while he doesnt press for anything from him (probably), he does comment about how such magic might help him actually win the nominations for moon master - this gets celestia thinking about the pendant trinket, and how he doesnt know where harque actually got the thing nor figured out how to supposedly use its magic anyway.

which leads to celestia being the one to craft the pendant and hand it over to harque, along with potentially cryptic words hinting at the future to come. maybe idk itd funny tho. (it'd also be funny if harque lowkey figures out who celestia actually is after this but lmao dont look at me)

ofc the ending has celestia eventually use his reversed time travel spell to go back to his own time, where hes like "well that sure was something!" sits there for a while just staring at the ceiling, then is like "hey, clamor, do you want to investigate henir's order? im suddenly realising that theres some loose ends i never figured out" and heading to elrianode for their delayed meetup with the ESP in the demon world lol maybeeee

[witchblood-if]

Progress April 2023

Well, lovelies, this month we got a lot of work done! (mostly because I was home sick the whole of April and had some time on my hands whoops). My guess is that when I start work and school again next week, progress is gonna be muuuch slower. I apologize.

Anyway, this is was happened (and I am sure I am missing at least one thing) :

finished editing the prologue and had some people test-read it (with positive reviews so far)

worked on Chapter 1, then decided to add the part I wrote to the prologue

the prologue is now about 2900 words (excluding code, but including choices) and contains about half of the customization choices. It's not a lot content-wise but hopefully good enough to ease the reader into the story. There's some need for reviewing and editing still.

did some overhauling of Faith's appearance to fit the aesthetic of the mood board more (the process involved some very first drawings by my friend)

did the mood boards for each RO, with a little bit of a sneak peek into the introductions within the story (which will come to bite me in the ass, because some of that I made up on the spot)

on the topic of ROs: a council of about 180 people decided that I am going to add a Secret Red Flag RO. Now Red Flag is a bit of an understatement I feel, their route in particular is gonna be dark and borderline toxic (if I can pull it off lmao). A bit of a Bad Ending so to speak. Also possibly an opportunity for a Levan poly? Who knows.

I started getting some very nice asks! That I really liked answering! Keep 'em coming, people! (response might under certain circumstances take a few days tho)

Did some minor construction work on the intro post and the blog in general

I think that's about it, folks! Thanks again to everyone who is interested in this little project and who keeps liking and reblogging and interacting!

If everything goes well we might be facing a demo release soon!

Hugs and kisses

-Carter

[majicmarker]

Sliding into your inbox to just scream about how much I love Demisexual eddie!

Evryone is entitled to their own ideas for the character but Demi eddie will always hold a really special place in my heart. It just feels so right to me and I love how you write him!

I’m regard to your newest fic I’m obsessed with Eddie’s pov! It’s peak queer experience lolll I relate too well

I will say eddie messed up by not trusting Robin to set him up with Chrissy tho! Always trust your local lesbians!

(the fic in question)

listen. he knows he totally biffed it, okay. he's just a demisexual dum-dum lollipop and he's doing his best with that. frankly he’s intimidated by lesbians, they get too much done too efficiently, he can’t keep up, man.

(if you want to know if this is based on my own personal experience, i will tell you… absolutely yes it is.)

yk—and while you didn’t ask for this, i’m offering it free of charge anyway—also this just made me Think abt, is that it’s weird to think abt now, bc when i first started writing eddissy fic, i really didn’t give much thought to either of their sexualities. i was just getting my sea legs with them and everything, and, for me, i think it speaks to my own experience as a demisexual—the sexual aspect didn’t matter until they were with each other (aside from the jason factor, i suppose, but from my perspective as the writer, even that spoke less to chrissy’s sexuality and more to her sense of “duty” in their relationship). 

the catalyst was largely due to @agentmmayy's og virgin!eddie fic—a definite lightbulb moment for me (the quintessential Oh. moment, if u will). eddie had never struck me as a particularly sexual character, anyway (not to mention he’s only like, 20, tops? why are we out here believing this idea that everyone has vast sexual experience at such a young age? is this because of one tree hill?)—i just hadn’t really examined that bc, again, once i paired him with chrissy, well, all bets were off, he really wants to kiss her, etc.

and, like, okay, bit of a rant abt the larger implications of this topic ahead, whoops my hand slipped—

truly just. bonkers. that the assumption is that you must have experience to be good at sexual activity. idc how many ppl you’ve hooked up with, EVERYONE is different—their bodies, their turn-ons, orgasms aren’t one-size-fits-all. communication with your partner(s) is Far More Important than your track record, otherwise you’re just some asshole who thinks they know someone’s body better than that person does. 

and i really like exploring demisexuality through, like, a male lens—because men are so socialized to be sexual, so what happens to their sense of self when that’s just not their inclination?

like, i am. so sick. of even the most progressive of media making the same tired joke abt how all men want sex all the time, or that there’s something “off” or “not right” if a guy isn’t ready/wants to wait.

it happens constantly in so-called feminist media, and it does such a disservice to what feminism actually is—that one of the tenants of the movement is that men aren’t incapable of checking their baser desires, they’re not wild animals who can’t control it; they’re fully-realized human beings who need to be held responsible for their actions, regardless of their “physical reaction” to their attraction to someone.

so, ultimately, we have these two separate but fundamental ideas here: men deserve to feel validated in their sexuality, and they’re also responsible for how they act on it. basically, toxic masculinity can be propagated by anyone, and it hurts everyone.

and just—god, SO OFTEN aphobia is disguised as sex positivity (maybe not intentionally, but still harmfully; casual aphobia is all over seemingly progressive spaces), but sex positivity needs to also acknowledge that not experiencing sexual attraction, not wanting sex, or only experiencing/wanting those things under certain circumstances, etc., is okay, it’s normal, and it’s not less-than. 

sexuality is not this cut-and-dry thing, you know? like ik glee did a number on our perception of sexuality as this strict dichotomy of “gay or straight, that’s it,” but like. c’mon guys, time to move past that, we can all heal together.

so, yeah. tl;dr there’s a lot to unpack with ace spectrum characters, and that’s def where i want to park my wheelhouse.

[jeongjaebae]

fic summary 2k22

ayeee so it's that time of year again!! i know i haven't posted much in 2022 (like... just a handful of fics oops) but i still hit a decent word count and made significant progress on long fic wips!

so yeahhh here's my 2022 fic summary which is... basically a chance to introduce my wips LOL

Total word count written: 89,033

Total word count published: 33,243

Fandoms written: tbz and svt

1. Looking back, did you write more fic than you thought you would this year, less, or what you predicted?

a bit less!! it's about half as much as i wrote last year (which was a whooping 150k word count LMAO), but this range is already more than the average for me in any given year so it's not too bad. in terms of what i POSTED though... i have no excuse for that 😅 most of my word count is from wips/ideas so i didn't have any finished content to post

2. What pairing/genre/fandom did you write that you would never have predicted in January?

last january i definitely didn't know i would write for svt!! i kind of had a feeling that deobiblr was already dying at the time, and that's around when i started watching going seventeen to get into them... but yeah didn't know i'd slip so deep into the carat life (blaming you, kim mingyu 😒)

3. What’s your own favourite story of the year?

it's a time loop au wip that i've written about 19k so far!! where our mc is stuck in a loop trying to change their fate of unrequited love by meeting [boy group member] first before his current gf does. so mc tries to alter events and change the course of fate all while trying to figure out a way to leave the loop

4. Did you take any writing risks this year? What did you learn from them?

uhHHhhH the time loop au i suppose is a risk in itself... bc like... plotting it has been a complete pain when you're trying to consider multiple reruns of the same timeline. every detail has to be in the right place so that when the mc's actions change, we can directly see how that affects the events in the timeline

also writing domestic fluff like i did in best boy... can't say i enjoyed it but it was a good challenge!!

5. Do you have any fanfic goals for the new year?

post the damn hyunjae e2l already 💀 (takes one to know one)

From my past year of writing, what was…

My best story of this year:

the time loop au ahahaha but if we're talking posted fic then the whole truth!! it has a bit of everything: decent flow and sentence structures, some important themes, tiny bit of humour, and gotta love f2l ju

My most popular story of this year:

the whole truth!! i reread this kind of recently and think it really is my best in terms of flow and sentence structure. also i really haven't posted anything else so.... yeah 😶

Most fun story to write:

hmm besides my two biggest wips i'd say it's this jogging au i wrote back in april!! where mc gets roped into a jogging date with [cute dating app boy] despite hating all kinds of exercise. it's definitely the typical jeongjaebae style of humour, secondhand embarrassment, and fluff. very fun to write and has me laughing every time i reread it LMAO

Story with the single sexiest moment:

probably the whole truth, the scene where they're making out in juyeon's room LMAO. srry i have no other contributions this year. BUT!!! my e2l wip has the full and extended scene from want so that's something to look forward to 👀

Most “holy crap, that’s wrong, even for you” story:

best boy. maybe it's not terrible but idk i haven't touched it since writing it bc i hate it 🤡 domestic fluff is... not my cup of tea. i suppose it was a good writing challenge tho. maaaaybe i'll write it one day but... needs a bit more practice

Story that shifted my own perceptions of the characters:

hmm maybe 1 plus 1? writing it made me obsessed with the (og) guy in it and he shot way up my bias list. and like. i'm still in that phase rn LOL

Hardest story to write:

oh boy it's deffs the time loop au. still stuck on the plot tbh? there's just so much planning and then... the thought of it reaching 50k or something... makes me tired OTL. it's exciting to think about but at the same time, there are way too many details i still have to write. it's a bit of a struggle

Biggest surprise:

surprise surprise who knew i would be writing for svt?!? and the one piece of angst that i wrote: all that we are

Most unintentionally telling story:

let's go with the whole truth. i loved some of the concepts and moral lessons in there, like how we're not made to be someone else's object of desire. why should we exist to be beautiful to others? and the other part about how love is deeper than what an app can tell us.

Favourite opening lines:

ehh nothing i particularly like but here we go

[better than the movies]

the most relatable sentence

If your life was a movie, at this moment, you’d be that introvert at a party.

[jogging date wip]

ahh.... relatable once again. the opening here sets the tone perfectly

"Yeah, of course. A jogging date sounds perfect." That was the moment you knew you fucked up.

Favourite closing lines:

nothing will beat this is how we fall but here are some that i like

[takes one to know one]

this actually isn't at the veryyy end of my wip rn but will probably change it and make it the actual ending later bc it's so fitting!! potential spoiler i guess but not really bc we all knew what was coming right?

When he pulls back and you see the fondness in his eyes, you realize that maybe the two of you aren't so different. He may have been an asshole, but you'd pretty much been one too. You were insanely competitive but only so that you could match up to his level. And even though it took a while for you to understand your feelings for him, now you know that he's felt the same way all along. Indeed, the two of you are more similar than you think. But then again, it takes one to know one.

[the whole truth]

they went through so much and this wrapped it up nicely. the silence especially is a powerful symbol here

When Juyeon takes the final step and crosses into your range this time, the silence is something you’ve never been happier to hear.

Favourite lines from anywhere:

[the whole truth]

important life lessons 101. if someone doesn't like you that's their problem not yours LOL. why should it be your job to be likeable?

"It’s not embarrassing to not be loved back. Painful, yes, but not something to be ashamed of. You weren’t put on this world just to become someone else’s object of desire, okay?"

[time loop au wip]

not quite closing lines but could kind of be similar to that

The two of you don't talk about, but it's all too evident anyway. It's evident when you lean into him as the night gets colder, head against the crook of his shoulder, and then in the way he shifts so that his lips meet yours. It's evident in the way he kisses you, with the sweetest of a first kiss, the bitterness of a last kiss, and the constancy of making the same choice in every loop, every timeline, every lifetime.

Scenes from anywhere you would have choose to have illustrated:

for the sake of referencing posted fics, i would say the ending of redo where they're on the bench under the mistletoe!

(in terms of wips: time loop au where y/n and [redacted] are watching fireworks from homecoming week!!)

New year’s resolutions:

finish and post that damn hyunjae e2l already OTL. and like... probably finish the time loop au if possible

Word Count Totals

Total finished, posted fic: 33,243

Longest posted fic:  the whole truth ~14.2k

Longest wip: hyunjae e2l is sitting at 25k still... and time loop au at 19k... 🥲

Total number of words written: 89,033

[typhos-c-dragon]

Okay, I've given TCBOB a second watch, now for my big disorganized assorted thoughts post!!

Not really sure where to start, so I'll just say that the character dynamics were easily the best part of the show for me. I love watching these characters interact, it's a blast.

I spent 95% of my high school years homeschooled, and I barely did any theatre (choir, yes, theatre, not so much). So with that in mind, I think that Bethanne and Eric were the two most relatable characters to me. I think even if you take away the high school theatre stuff from the show, the gist of their characters is still there. And hey, I can relate to both "oh dear god, i have no clue what i'm gonna be" and "feelings are the worst, so what if i just Didn't".

I think Jean still ended up being my fave from a personal standpoint tho, she's great. I love her dynamic with Max (i'm not sure if they were intending to write in ship tease for them, but i certainly got that vibe at some points. whatever the case, really endearing friendship), Body Language was an incredibly fun and charming song, and her weird Thing for Theo was hilarious. I love one (1) jaded single threat dancer with questionable tastes in men.

This may be my favorite Clark soundtrack yet, every song was a banger. I loved the whistling in Chill, and the vocal warm-up section of Professional, I think they really gave those songs a strong identity. Alex's interludes (the "tony mango wants to thank you for all your work today..." bits, idk if they have names) are really great, I love how each one gets progressively faster and I hope they'll be on the cast album. As I said, Body Language was a fun and charming little bop. All of Cole and Bethanne's songs were really sweet, their budding romance was just really cute and interesting in general. I could go on, but this post'll be long enough as is. In short, great soundtrack, beats Spies by an absolute mile.

Two kinda nitpicky things that I do sorta hope get changed down the line, 1. Let Cole be present for the end of the party when Theo gets kicked out (just kinda felt weird that she was the only one not present imo), and 2. Let us learn the surnames of more than three characters, please.

On the subject of names, why are Joshua and Estelle just called "Freshman #1" and "Freshman #2" in the credits anyway? They have names, and they only go nameless for like the first 20-30 minutes.

🎵 "THAT'S ABSOLUTELY A FUCKING LIIIIIIE" 🎵

Garrett my beloved <3

Subtle joke that I thought was really clever, Estelle saying "I don't wanna play one of those characters that shows up and then disappears for the rest of the act", and then she and Joshua proceed to disappear for the rest of the act.

...I feel like I had more things to say, but my mind has just completely drawn a blank, whoops. Whatever the case, loved the show, can't wait to see how it evolves down the line!

[clocks-are-round]

yeah so this has been sitting in my drafts for a month •<• i thought i posted it already. whoops.

Writing 3MoM has been really good character study for what Caboose is like before and after O’Malley and… other brain ouchy events, but I’m still figuring out how to write him, especially regarding serious topics, so things like Caboose’s dialogue might be different when I finish (whenever the hell that’ll be)

but ye. now others may finally meet Bruh, my beloved. until now only a few mutuals know about them haha. i’ll have to scrounge up my brainstorming bits about them for the rest of you at some point.

——the initial post——

Here’s something I wrote a month or so ago, inspired by the encroaching holiday season and my other Caboose-centered fics-in-progress (including this one, there are 3 I think?). Haven’t really worked on it since but I’ve been on sort of a fic hiatus so I’ll share what I’ve got. (Next chapter of 3MoM still dropping sometime this week) fggsddf that’s how long ago i made this post? oof literal month

contains: Caboose struggling to remember things, fun family interactions, troubling family interactions, hostility towards mental disability, hopefully accurate spanish but it’s a rough draft so whatever, i’ll be sure to check it all over before publishing the final product (am aware of the missing accents over i, will add them in later)

So uh. Prepare yourself for pain, I guess. There’s plenty of fluff too tho

----

(Incomplete WIP-- end result may look different)

A Caboose Family Christmas Special

Headache. Maybe he should just go back to sleep. No, it was okay. He’d feel better after he had his medicine and some water and some breakfast. He swung upwards, immediately reeling in regret. Too fast. He blinked.

This wasn’t Blue Base. He looked around. He was on a couch. Where was this? A basement in someone’s house, it looked like.

There were people noises nearby. He walked to the stairs and climbed them. He peeked over the half wall on the side.

“Hey, Michael! You’re up!” He knew this person.

“Feliz Navidad!”

“Where am I?” Caboose was sure he’d never been here before.

“Oh, this is Ella’s house. Bad morning?”

Caboose looked around. Everyone was here! Even some people he didn’t know.

“Tio Michael!”

Caboose turned to the voice. “Uh… Hello!”

Two little kids were staring up at him. He was glad they were not babies. Kids were fun.

“Do you remember us?”

“Uncle Michael forgets a lot.”

“Tio Michael.”

“Uncle sounds better.”

“No, tio does!”

“Hey, stop crowding your tio, you two!” It took a second-- a scary second where he wasn’t sure-- but it was his sister.

“Ella?”

“Michael,” she acknowledged with a grin. She paused and looked around, searching.

Caboose knew that face. She took a breath in, and Caboose covered his ears.

She shouted, “Gabbi! Spongebob meme!”

Bruh walked over rubbing their ears. “She’s outside. Thanks for the busted eardrums, though.”

“Bruh? You have grown up so much!” Caboose ran up the rest of the stairs and around the railing to scoop them up into a bear hug.

“Ohh this again.” Bruh sighed but they smiled up at him. “Yeah, yeah, happy to see you too, dude.”

“Where’s Deli?”

“He’s actually going by David now.”

Caboose set them down. “For a long time? Did I forget again?”

“I mean… Not that long.”

“Sorry.”

“Hey, you remembered our names. Two out of three’s a passing grade!”

“Barely,” Del-- David joined the talking circle.

“Speak of the nerd.” Bruh said. “Michael’s saying hi to everyone.”

David didn’t look as happy to see him.

“Hi David!” Caboose said. “I like your shirt. Robots are the best. Have you met Freckles?”

David looked away from him. “I’ll take Miguel and Legend. C’mon guys. There’s more room to play outside.”

“We wanna talk to Tio Michael!”

“It’s just going to be the same conversation you had yesterday.”

“No, David, we should all talk. It’s not that often we’re all together.” Ella turned and called over her shoulder. “Martín! Can you take the kids?”

“I’ve got my hands full with Sadie.” The guy was holding a baby.

“Take your son and nephew, too. I want to talk to my brother without children harassing us.”

“Bruh is right over there. Why can’t they watch them?”

“I charge by the minute.”

“They might run off. A standard rate might be better,” David mumbled to Bruh.

“En serio, chico?” Martin responded. “Es la Navidad!”

“Yeah, working holidays costs extra.” Bruh grinned.

Ella pulled Bruh into a hug. A squeeze one, not a cuddle one.

“Just watch your nephews, you little--” She looked over at the kids. “Orejas.”

They covered their ears.

“Burrito.”

“Burrito is not a bad word,” one of kids objected.

“Hah! I knew you were still listening! Now, go with your Tío Bruh.”

“Yeah, Miguel!”

“Los dos.”

They both grumbled, but they followed Bruh out of the room. Without a word, David walked off with them too.

“David! Wait—“ Ella did an angry pout to where David left.

“His name is Miguel?”

“Yeah, I named him after you. Well, kind of. The Spanish version.”

“Woah…”

“Do you remem-- Do you know your other niblings? I can introduce them to you.”

“Ella, have I... met them before?”

“C’mon, what’s with the questions? Don’t you want to say hi to everyone?”

Ella was good at acting, but she didn’t like lying to him. She didn’t want to tell him the truth though, either. He needed to find Gabbi.

Someone said she was outside. He was pretty sure he heard that.

“I am going to say hi to Gabbi first.” And before Ella could object he ran out the front door.

—

“Gabbi, do I forget everyone a lot?”

Gabbi froze. “Whatttt??” She laughed uncomfortably.

“Like, a lot, a lot.” With the Reds and Blues and Carolina… they were used to him being like this. No one got worried when he couldn’t remember the right words. It didn’t cause problems much because that’s just how it was, but when he was away, things felt different. He felt— He realized that he was different. Even with his family. It especially bothered him with his family because sometimes they looked so sad and that was worse than strangers looking annoyed and— “I know— I know I don’t— Some stuff is harder for me, and I don’t forget because I don’t care, I forget because I forget. I—“

“Michael, it’s no big deal, really. It’s ok.”

“Is that why David’s mad at me?”

Gabbi’s face fell. So it was.

“He doesn’t like me.”

“He is not mad at you. He’s... mad and sad for you. Everyone was at first, but he’s still got it all bottled up in his heart.”

“How do I... unbottle that?”

“I don’t think you can. He just needs more time, I think.”

Caboose considered. “I will make him stop being upset with fun and hugs.”

“That is the exact opposite of what I said.”

“Too late. I am doing the fun plan now.”

“Hey hey, wait. Did you have your meds? Any breakfast?”

“Nooo?” Caboose responded guiltily. He had been distracted by all the people.

“C’mon. We’re going to the kitchen together. And then you need to get out of your pajamas. No friend quests until you’re ready for the day.”

“I’m all grown up, you don’t need to baby me.”

“Imagine how Ella feels. She’s married with kids, but I’m not going to stop with her either.” She started poking at Caboose. “C’mon, c’mon, a la cocina, let’s go!”

———

It’s very incomplete but I had wanted to explore how Caboose’s relationship with his family might have been affected by what he’s been through. I don’t know when I’ll continue working on it but it still feels like a solid starting point.

also still figuring out how to write Caboose’s perspective and how his memory difficulties and whatnot manifest. might rework some parts.

again, chapter 2 of Three Months O’ Malley coming soon fggsddf it’s been out for like a month now

it’s been a lot of fun figuring out all of Caboose’s many many siblings (still figuring many of them out tbh) and iirc chapter 2 has a little bit about Ella and Gabbi, with focus also on Sephi, Maria, and Christina in later chapters. My first fic introducing a lot of the siblings (Cabooses Slumber Party) was pretty overwhelming with like nine sisters at once, so hopefully the focus narrowing to only a few at a time will feel easier to follow.

[king-maven-calore]

i was thinking about the last chapter of fdh, and you mentioned how mare was more akin to red-gold sunsets...

i thought to myself "hm i actually don't remember why mare fell in love with cal...and i definitely don't know exactly why he fell in love with her."

lol if you don't mind, is it alright if you could discuss why my fav idiots love each other?

oh and adding on to my ask - it's obvious why mare was attracted to cal (does anyone need to explain more? just look at him! 😂), and vice versa since mare was definitely prettier than what evangeline ever gave her credit for (3 guys pining for her, like cmon!)

anyways...i'm just a tad more interested in the emotional aspects of their relationship hehe

damn right my girl was beautiful! Eve is really into high femmes though... so she was annoyed at Mare for not reaching her true potential lol

And bestie, I love you for coming to my inbox with this as it happens to be 👀 I was having a Marecal meltdown on Friday night, only my wifi dying saved you guys from my ramblings... but now you're here so let's go

I'll mention a few possible answers, then I'll give you my definitive answer.

A) looks, as in, they're both sexc mfs😏. I've read people say "their relationship was only physical", and I would agree that during RQ that's partly (70%) what kept drawing them closer and going to that dark room for the dance lessons.

B) Insta love. If there's a trope that makes readers all over the globe collectively roll their eyes, it's this one. Victoria even "admitted" on an Insta live last year that Marecal was a bit of an insta love and here is when I pull out my knife and tears fall from my eyes as I K-word VA for such a weird, mistaken interpretation of her own work. If Marecal was insta love, Cal would've chosen Mare at the end of RQ, Elara would have been fucked, and I would have DNFd the series on the spot. By the end of RQ they still weren't in love.

C) Their good qualities! Easy, reductive, a neat list, pretty for fanfic (I'm guilty of these types of 'virtues I love about you uwu' lists whoops) but ultimately unrealistic because nobody runs around falling in love with every virtuous person they meet.

D) All of the above. 🥴 well of course a romantic relationship told across 4.5 books is going to have a variety of reasons! we all knew that. that's not why I've been making you read this manifesto, pls don't boo me off the stage yet (yet)

My answer: They did not fall in love. they built their love by self-destruction and rebirth around each other. In other words, their respective character arcs pushed them together, and that's why as their arcs progress, so does their relationship and romance. It's not a point in the story you can randomly pick and say "here's the Oh moment" or a virtue Mare sees in Cal she likes and vice-versa. Mare did not fall in love with Cal because he was kind by giving her a few coins, or for protecting her in the Bowl of Bones. Cal didn't fall in love with Mare because she was a smartass when she tried to steal from him (we do love that joke tho), or for being so resilient when forced into the Mareena shoes. Did it all contribute to it? as I said, yes.

Most coming-of-age stories are about reaching the Truest self. And it is only within each other Mare and Cal can reach it. THE SOULMATISM. If I could pinpoint a single, ultimate reason for why they 💕fell in love💕, I could also create an AU, or a 5th book where it is possible to write a plausible reason for why they 💀fell out of it💀 and thank god I can't. Marecal remains superior.

I'll spare you the play-by-play of how their journeys are vitally connected bc this thing got out of hand. I hope I didn't bore you too much 💜✌

[painted-crow]

Hey I hope this isn’t awkward but that post about your burned badger (lion?) secondary really hit home for me. I’m pretty sure I’ve had the same burned model in the past - I think I started off with a healthier badger/lion model (I can’t figure out which and am still figuring out my sorting anyway) and some external life stuff going on later, I’m really just pushing through and getting stuff done with all the delicacy of a brick. And same here with the emotional rollercoaster ... 1/2

And same here with the emotional rollercoaster of it between panic/apathy. And the burnout. And the ignoring physical pain. And I can see now how this was uh. Pretty unhealthy actually but it really was just so. effective especially given the circumstances and I kind of miss it in a way. It would be nice if I could get back a healthier version of whichever model it was. Anyway I love reading your blog you always have such insightful things to say thanks for reading this ramble <3 2/2

💙💙💙 :D

Not awkward! I'm glad that was useful for someone, rather than just being an angst dump on my part lol

Emergency secondary mode, Badger or Lion?

Links to previous posts:

- post describing my emergency secondary mode (cw for burnout stuff)

- the worst version of this post (cw for terrible memes)

So, after a lot of consideration and chatting with some lovely SHC people (looking at you @mooglesorts and you @magpie-of-a-birb), I've come to the tentative conclusion that I have a Lion secondary performance.

Which is not something I ever expected to say! I've long had a knee-jerk "aaaaa scary!" reaction to Lion secondary, but actually I think that's because I have this performance and I've had to use it in unsustainable ways.

I should probably put a trigger warning here for self harm through overwork... yeah.

So, I found this song:

(While it is a bop, it is also x2 trigger warning combo for self harm ahaha)

This song's primary is exploded Glory Hound Lion--that's not what's relatable about it to me tho. What I wanted my friends' opinion on was the secondary that's displayed here. Sounded familiar. So I brought it up on the SHC Discord server (which is out of beta, dm me for an invite link if you wanna join!).

I was thinking it might actually be the fully Burned "anything that works" secondary, but Magpie was like "no, that's a Lion sec with a Snake model" and I went "huh..."

...and then Moogle was like no that's a snakesec with an unhealthy Lion model, the masks aren't working so they're busting out Lion--and especially there's the focus on the character feeling powerful because they can hurt themself with it and keep going anyway

And I was like "oh shit that tracks more than I was expecting it to... whoops"

Badger hits different without unhealthy pressure

I do have and use a Badger secondary model, and I used to think my emergency secondary mode was just my Badger model taken to unhealthy extremes. But I don’t think so now.

First, because I actually think that my emergency mode is/was often a product of my exploded Badger primary model, which itself idealized Badger secondary.

I'm still picking through that thing's shrapnel and finding its influence in old memories and automatic reactions I still have and stuff like that--not to mention rooting it out of my system. Which is to say, now that I know what I'm looking for, I'm still discovering how far back this thing goes! Turns out I've been trying to whack this piñata for years, and it used to be so much worse.

The self-destructive "I'd rather run myself hard into the ground than fail" nature of my emergency mode makes a lot of sense in retrospect. When you tie your self-worth to achievement... well: the lyrics "I'll never lose / I'll never die" from the song seem less "I have achieved immortality!" and more "I basically equate failure with death." This song really straddles that edge of relatable but also obviously messed up. It's... something.

Second, my Badger secondary model is very different when it's not under pressure from the 'splodey primary model. I'm kind of having to figure out what it's like without that and it's weird. It seems to be a whole lot more chill and also I'm getting more Courtier than I'm used to?

Yeah, turns out if you dig out "you should help other people to justify your existence, but don't accept help back or it cancels it out" from your system (because damn, there's a system piece I didn't look at closely enough) it might have been holding up Courtier potential you haven't been using.

What's the difference?

I don't know who pointed this out first, I think I read it somewhere, but Badger secondary is very process focused and Lion secondary is very results focused. (Bet you this was from @wisteria-lodge. I'm not sure, though.)

Badger usually shows up as a few main things for me: mirroring, chipping away at big projects, picking up life maintenance and self care type tasks (especially when Bird secondary is burned), and caregiving/service stuff. It can also Burn on its own, which is its own brand of "motivation is a cryptid" exhaustion. None of this looks like Lion, so where does the confusion come in?

The only time my Badger model starts to look like Lion--and here the line really blurs with the performance--is when I've tried to get it to do tasks it's not really meant for. There are things I need Bird unburned in order to tackle (perhaps it's the presence of burned Birdsec that gets in the way? That injured confidence can be really debilitating) and I can't do them with just Badger.

I'm sure actual Badger secs know how to, say, learn Adobe Illustrator's unbelievably complicated controls while under deadline using Badger, but I have no clue. I powered through using probably the least efficient controls possible. (If you're using the nudge tool as a form of measurement, you're probably doing it wrong. I'm guessing.)

Needless to say, that's exhausting. I think there's some point in the project timeline where it stops being "well it's not efficient but at least I'm making progress!" and starts being fueled by raw stubborn determination and a little bit of spite. The contentment with the process goes out the window. I'm fighting my own perfectionism (and usually losing) because I just want this thing done.

Which, that's not necessarily a bad thing! Sometimes it's really useful to be able to go "screw it" and charge. It becomes a bad thing when you ignore all your other needs to do it, possibly because you've tied success and/or productivity to your self worth, and also you're still clutching your perfectionism and hissing "my precioussssss."

also:

It's not always obvious, but I sometimes use Lion secondary in ways not connected to the splodey Badger primary model.

(Occasionally it is obvious though... haha)

I do have this one story about realizing my younger brother might be in danger and charging off to find him, armed with a heavy wooden coat hanger against potential assailants. I went from Bird situational analysis to "this is the best weapon I can find on short notice" in like 30 seconds. In my defense, I was very sleep deprived at the time.

(It makes more sense in context.)

(Sort of.)

so.

I think the emergency secondary mode is a Lionsec performance.

This post took me like a month to write even after figuring it out. And then another few weeks collecting dust in my drafts, because how do you edit something like this

But I've been sitting on it for way too long and I'm tired of saying I should finish/post it, and tonight I'm feeling bored and a little impulsive... so, screw it--I'm calling this done.

(can you hear it? it's there... fighting my Birdsec/Badgersec model perfectionism again.)

(this time, I will listen.)

[jadeile-writes]

Fanfic Progress Update 150

It’s still January and I’m lowkey disappointed in time for that.

No spoilery glimpses into any fic(s) at the end, cause I don’t have anything that’ll be posted anytime soon. Eventually, tho.

Current WIPs:

Rolling with it

Fandom: Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild

Summary (temporary): Link finds out that Revali doesn’t understand sign language, so he decides to get through a conversation by miming and showing emotions, just this once. Turns out Revali is (somewhat) less of an asshole once he understands the reason behind Link’s quietness. Link/Revali.

Progress: Chapters 1-3 have been edited and are ready. Chapter four is still just almost done... as in, I didn’t finish it today, because I’ve been suffering from flu/cold/whatever the entire effing January on-off and today my brain feels too fuzzy to do shit.

Dude. I began this miserable mcfucking year by spraining my wrist. Then a couple of days later I catch the cold and thus I spend a week on sick vacay for the wrist but also conveniently for the cold. Then I get one (1) extra day at the start of the next week for the cold, but can’t ask for more cause I’m starting to feel/look fine. And I do actually feel like 90% fine for about two days before I start feeling a bit worse again and just kinda hide it at work cause I can’t ask for another sick vacay that soon for shit like “Whoops, I think the cold is coming back”. So I act like I’m not sick for two more days until it’s the weekend and I can stay bundled up and try to get better. Again, after the rest I feel moderately fine for a couple of days at work and then I’ve been feeling worse again, woop! Yesterday I was coughing quite a lot and today I feel lowkey fuzzy and lack the energy to do anything I meant to do today (some of which is getting kinda urgent). I effing hate this stupid cold-ridden month by now and I resent having to work instead of getting to stay at home to properly get better. Here’s two bigass middle fingers at 2022 and Januaries and colds and worklife in general t( -_- t )

—–

Hah! Our afterlife is the most hilarious bushwa, dearest

Fandom: Hazbin Hotel

Summary: This is not a stand-alone story! This is a oneshot/drabble collection in the universe as “Shit, the Radio Demon is a part of my afterlife”. Read the main story before bothering with this one.

I decided to give my readers a chance to throw Radiohusk prompts at me, and had the Afterlife-verse as an option to set the stories in. Everyone liked that, so this fic is now a thing. Enjoy the extra mischief from these two dorks!

Progress: Chapter 28 is the current latest chapter and was posted on 27th of November 2020. Chapter 29 is technically written, but I’ll need to look it over to see if I want to tweak it before I can call it done, cause I remember being unsatisfied. The scheduled posting date is Some Friday, and there will be a sneak-peek on the Previous Thursday. Chapter 30 is half-done as well and is basically the only actual thing holding this fic back. … -sobs in absolutely horrible author-

Note to new people who might be looking at this: I’m not taking prompts anymore. These will be the last chapters, and then the fic will be done.

—–  

Other WIPs I’m not currently working on but intend to get back to someday:

PoE Drabbles (Pillars of Eternity)

DC Drabbles (Justice League)

Diaphanous Relations (Forgotten Realms, R.A. Salvatore’s books)

A bunch of Hazbin oneshots and chapter fics, some started, some just on the idea phase. There’s… there’s a lot…

—–

That’s it for the WIPs! Here’s a space that’ll eventually have sneak-peeks for future fanfics and/or chapters again, once I have something relevant to show.

—–

That’s it this time. See you next Saturday!

Links:

My AO3   My FFnet   My Ko-fi    Radiohusk Discord Server

[be-ready-when-i-say-go]

Thought about something cute like reader and 5sos singing on the same festival and she’s dating cal 😭 and they switch with her guitarist and drummer boy and at first she didn’t notice but they they start to have so much fun together at the stage dancing together and doing stupid shit them following her around as she tries to prevent herself from giggling too much and actually singing 🥺🥺 and later she walks down when 5sos are performing with crystal Kay and Sierra omg 😳

+ I’m sorry I’m annoying but part two to my last asks!! I just imagine calum being all heart eyes for her minding his own business tho playing his guitar but every time he doesn’t have to use vocals or his bass he caught her hand or keep her close and ahh singing wildflower to her!!’ When at first the girls just wanted to have fun on stage with them but Calum just keeps her close the whole time singing to her and her singing back with him and being all funny and giggly together ooof

Thanks for your suggestion! It took me a minute to get to it. I did combine it with a few other suggestions. One person asked for drama and someone asked for angst. And viola! Here it is.

This is the last part of the Distance series! I’ll do an epilogue if folks want to send in some suggestions for it! HUGE thanks to everyone that sent me ideas! This series wouldn’t be what is it without you guys! 

Find the Distance series masterlist here!  Here’s my main masterlist! CW: 18+ (Smut). Angst. Lots of Fluff. 

Songs I played: Woman and From The Dining Table by Harry Styles!

Here it is at a WHOOPINg 9.6k. Enjoy!

_____________________________________________________________

The release of her album is followed by a tour. At first, she’s excited. Her mind runs wild with possibilities. Her fingers can’t keep up fast enough with every wonder and question she sends to Calum and thankfully, he doesn’t seem to mind the incessant buzzing. He takes each question in stride. It’s nice, in a way, for him to have the wisdom to give her. Like she doesn’t have to go in blind like he did, especially since it’s just her. He hopes he can make her feel a little less alone on the road. It can be a hard road to travel alone.

 The glimmer starts to wear off fast. Rehearsals turn her into a zombie. She’s up fairly early stretching, taking her dog for a walk, trying to remind herself that everything’s going to fall into place like it needs to, but the second she walks into the rehearsal space it feels like everything is going to fall apart. That somehow everything she’s ever wanted on tour is just too much, too much out of the budget, too much because she doesn’t have the weight to her name just yet. And maybe it’s a lot of glitz and glamour. Maybe she is asking for too much. Maybe that would be her downfall. 

Her phone buzzes. And she pauses, sitting on the floor with her mic in hand, and glances over to it. It’s Calum again. Another message that she won’t actually read until some ungodly hour in the night. He’s got to be up to his throat in worry. She can’t seem to think enough to text him back during the day. Too much is going on. She feels like she’s going to sink, just through the carpeted floor and through the concrete foundation and bury herself into the dirt. Maybe that would be a better fate for her. 

She turns her attention back to her notebook, with the crude drawing she made when she was trying to set the stage. “Let’s just,” she sighs. “Let’s start from scratch.”

And it works. Though it’s long and arduous, she’s able to figure out how to set the stage, finalizing the neon design. There’s a rough draft at the video that will be playing behind her for a wardrobe change. By the time she’s able to crawl into her sheets, it’s nearly 1 am. There’s barely enough energy to keep her eyes open to send Calum an apology text. When she wakes, she grins at her dog waiting patiently at the side of her bed.  “Ready to go, bubs?”

They give a tiny whine and rest their snout on the covers. She laughs, “Yeah, you’re ready to go.” She manages to brush her teeth and slips into a change of clothes before going out for a run. 

Between showering and getting dressed, she checks her messages. Happy to hear that you got things straightened, baby. Reach out whenever you get a breather, reads the text from Calum. 

She responds with a good morning text and then switches over to her email. At the top is an email with ‘urgent’ in the subject. She’s praying it’s not more bad news. She doesn’t quite have the heart to withstand more bad news after the progress they made yesterday. It’s details about a festival date in LA. That perfectly lines between her break between the European leg of the tour and the North America dates. She doesn’t even think twice about agreeing to the festival show. 

Right as her day winds down, from a shockingly smooth day of rehearsals, Calum calls her. And though she’s drenched in sweat from the light choreography and running it for hours, she stops and answers. “Hey, baby.”

“Oh, she lives!”

“I know, I know. Sorry.”

“Only kidding. I know you’re hard at work. It’s just really good to hear your voice. How are rehearsals?”

“Really good now. Once we got over the hump, it’s like smooth sailing.”

“Good, I’m glad. I was calling. We got word a couple days ago about a festival show right when you’re on break between legs. And I was hoping you had some free time, just to hang out.”

She can’t contain the smile, leaning her head against the window. The evening twilight has already settled outside. “I’m joining that festival too. And we’ll be hanging out in LA for a few days for rehearsals and then shipping out. So absolutely, we can hang out. I miss your face. And Duke. God, I miss Duke.”

He laughs. Of course she emphasizes her longing for his dog over him. But he wouldn’t have it any other way. “I really can’t wait to see you.” It falls from his lips in a whisper, a secret between the two of them that no one else can be in on. But the boys see it. Everytime his phone buzzes he does his best to look at it as soon as he can just in case it’s her. It’s harder to get out of bed, especially when he hasn’t talked to her in a while. “Can’t wait to kiss you again.”

“You’re a sap, you know.”

“But I’m your sap.”

She giggles, softly, watching cars whizz by. “Yeah, you are my sap.”

_________________________________

Her tour starts off well. And even though it’s her first time being out on the road like this, a constant bouncing around, and completely flipping her normal routine, she manages to cope pretty well. And it helps of course when she calls her friends, or talks to her dog. But it’s still definitely draining, pouring every bit of herself out on stage and then having just enough time to recoup before doing it all over again. There’s value in it, when the lights lift, and she can see the crowd that’s gathered just for her. It’s surreal and makes her feel like she could do this all the time. That the only thing she’d ever need is the sound of a crowd singing her songs back to her. 

In her dressing room, she swaps the gold earrings for a pair of acrylic ones, these jade green. “You’re too quiet on me,” she says, flicking her gaze down to her tablet. 

Calum picks his head up. “It’s hard to say much when perfection’s staring you in the face.”

She grins, hooking the earring back on. “Thank you, but that’s not what I meant.”

“We just got word about two more festivals in the same week you have your break. One’s in LA still, the other one’s a little ways out.” There’s no need to fake the funk anymore, or hide it away. She has another three weeks of shows before her break. And maybe he expects her to fly off the handle. Maybe he expects her to throw a fit, about how they had made plans, and it’s the only time they’ll get for each other for months. 

But she doesn’t. She nods, fingers twirling over her rings. “What are they others saying?”

“They’re itching to get back on stage. And from a business standpoint, it’s money in the pocket of course. But I know we made plans and I feel like an ass. But there’s also the band, too.”

“Our jobs aren’t easy,” she sighs. “Take the gigs.” Calum can see her eyes tearing up just a little. “Mind if tag along on the LA show?”

“Of course not. I’m really, really sorry, buttercup. I’m so sorry.”

She waves her hand, trying to keep the tears back. If they fall, they become real. It’s his job. Just like it’s hers. “I get it.” It’s tight as it leaves her throat. And it takes her a second, plus a few sips of water to get control of her emotions, and clear out all the tears that threaten to fall. He wishes he could say more, or do more. But it’s like the words die in his throat. And he’s left, mouth gaping, wishing and wanting, but unable to do anything. 

“Does it look bad if I just forgo my heels tonight from the start? They’re killing my feet on stage,” she laughs. 

It’s a small grin, upturns a corner of his mouth but doesn’t keep it up for long. “You usually end up kicking them off anyway, halfway through the show.”

“Someone’s been scrolling through my name on Twitter, huh?”

He does. Watching her is mesmerizing and he’s sad that he can’t get the chance to see it in person, so he resorts to the fan videos. But he’s yet to admit to it. “I do not do such a thing.” And there’s giggles. A fit of laughter as she looks over the outfits and plucks her oversize denim jacket and figures even in the shorts, she can make the docs Calum surprised her with work. So she slides into the worn red leather shoes and starts lacing them up. 

Calum whistles, heart racing just a little. He didn’t know those shoes had made the cut. “Look at you.” 

She strikes a pose but laughs. “Do I look good?”

“You look fucking amazing, buttercup.” 

__________________________

The sound of the crowd roaring before her ears turn on will always make her heart race. Calum said he would try to sneak side stage, but considering that he had to play on the mainstage right after her set on the side stage, it might not be for long. She didn’t mind that. But she hadn’t seen him. Not a blond crop in sight, of course if he hasn’t changed his hair since the last time. Her bassist strums the opening cord and it sends the crowd into a tizzy. With her guitar strapped around, she rolls out her neck, lining up. 

As they walk out onto the stage, they launch right into the first song. She feels her fingers buzzing as she strums. But it feels good. The LA sun is hot but she kind of welcomes it versus the heat of the stage lights. There’s still a small breeze. It comes in waves for sure and she can tell that her pits are going to be soaked by song three. “How’s everybody doing?” she shouts into the mic. 

There’s cheer in response and she laughs, hearing it reverb for just a moment. “That’s what I like to hear. Just want to say thank you for coming to see me play today. Your support truly means a lot to me.”

She continues on for just a few more seconds and right as she goes to introduce the fourth song of her set, everyone in the crowd starts to get rowdy. She thinks nothing of it, as the song starts. But she knows something is happening and she turns to check her drummer and in her spin, there’s Calum, her bassist’s bass slung over his shoulder, fingers sliding over the frets, plucking at the strings. Not that she doesn’t think Calum would go for a mint green bass on his own, but she hasn’t seen one in his collection just yet. 

If it weren’t for the verse coming back up, she knows she would just stare. Singing into her mic, she throws a few glances over to him. Waiting as the harmony comes in and Calum slides up to the music, voice smooth in her inner ears, she almost melts right there on the spot. She hadn’t quite thought about the way his voice would sound with hers, but god, he harmonizes like an angel. She finishes the verse, with a small break before the chorus again. The stage is kind of small but while facing the crowd, she can’t quite see to her sides. 

She knows though. She can almost sense when Calum approaches her. She giggles just a little into the mic, watching him smile at her. His head bobbing like it always does when he gets into whatever he’s playing or listening too. Calum plays next to her, watching the way the sweat trails down her forehead, but doesn’t streak an ounce of her makeup. He almost gives in, almost bends in to kiss her on the cheek, but he doesn’t. He lets her voice and the song carry him away, into his spin and up to the drummer’s stand. One foot on the riser, Calum bobs along, laughing at his expression, the raised eyebrow that says it all. 

She gets a small break to watch the way Calum interacts with her band. Almost as if he’s known them just as long as she has. And in some ways, he probably has. She talks about Calum to them and talks about her band to Calum all the time.  Once the song ends, Calum throws one hand in a tiny wave, before smiling over at her. “Didn’t scare you, did I?” he asks, away from the mic. 

She shakes her head, sure that her cheeks will hurt after this. Laughing, she thanks Calum as he walks off stage. And she knows, she knows she shouldn’t. But she jogs after him, as her bassist comes back on, sending a smile over her shoulder too. It’s in that moment that it becomes clear, this was planned. Catching Calum right in the wings, she catches his wrist, tugging him in close before kissing him. It’s quick, but Calum’s heart races in his chest. She runs back out. “Sorry about that guys. I did not expect that.” 

And as they get back to their set, Calum watches her for one more song, the way she dances around the stage. Their gazes lock just before he leaves and he blows a quick kiss, before his security are running him down the stage steps and across the festival grounds to get back to the mainstage in time. “How’d it go?” Michael asks.

“Well,” Calum grins, throwing his brown and black bass over his shoulder. 

“Get any smooches?” Luke teases, smacking his lips together, while his arm is slung over Sierra’s shoulder. 

“And if I did?” 

“On stage?” Michael screeches. 

“No, side stage. I almost kissed her on stage. But I didn’t want that all over the internet.” Considering that they aren’t official publically in any capacity, it would just cause more headache. Their set begins and Calum knows she has to run across the festival, so he’s not worried when by the time they step out and get three songs in, she hasn’t shown up at the side of the stage. And by the time, Calum regains consciousness enough to check again, there she is, standing off to the side, still in what she performed and breathing hard but she waves, gently from the side. 

Out of reflex, once the chords are played, he gives a small wave in return. She returns the blown kiss from earlier and the other girls laugh softly at the action. “God, you guys are so fucking smitten with each other, it’s insane,” Sierra jokes.

There’s no denying it she knows. They’re like lovesick puppies and though it would normally annoy her, it’s nice. Without another word, she sips at her bottle of water and watches Calum, with all the laughs and grins he gives, pouring his soul out onto the stage. 

And though the video calls, and the calls, work. They’re not quite enough. Her tour comes to an end, but just around the corner is Calum’s tour with the band. She think she might be able to sneak another week away before she starts working on her album, but then she gets asked to perform at some more festivals in her home country. And, who is she to turn that down? The more shows she plays, the more her name is out there, the more streams, and the merchandise is purchased. It becomes an endless wheel. Things just keep going, and going, and going and the whole time, she keeps looking for the breaks. For the thing that can put her life on pause and let her feel normal again. 

Everytime she thinks she can get real time with Calum, it ends up short. He has something that comes up. She has something that comes in. It was the festival in LA and now her festival run. It’s his tour and her sophomore album. Why had she met Calum when she did? Was the universe playing a cruel joke on her? Was it taunting her that it could give her everything she wanted and then threatening to have it crumble? Sitting her hotel room, her phone shakes, another call from Calum. She doesn’t answer it, staring at the fridge in her room. She could get a drink. Wouldn’t be hard just take it from the mini fridge. 

Her phone stops shaking. And then a minute later, it chimes, letting her know that a voice message has been left behind. The third one and more likely than not it’s from Calum. She wants this. She wants the relationship, but lately, it felt like there was no time. There was no time for anything. She couldn’t breathe. She couldn’t pause. And that’s all she wanted. That’s all she wants right now. She doesn’t want to open that voicemail to Calum pleading with her to answer. She wants to get back to when things were easier. And obviously, they were easier because they both had nothing to do. 

Swiping her room key and her wallet, she heads down to the bar in the hotel. She orders herself a glass of wine. The glass makes a soft click as it settles down in front of her. She takes one sip. And it’s a little bitter, the red drier than she remembers it being. Soon the glass stares back at her and she can see her warped reflection. Would it just be easier for them to take things down a level? Is she afraid of hard work or more afraid of heartache?

With another two glasses of wine in her, she climbs back into the elevator and it takes her up, floor by floor until it digs and the doors slide open. The room is dark when she reenters like she left it the AC blasting. But she can see the blue light of her phone, on the desk, lighting up that corner of the room. Is it fair? If she wants to bolt, if she wants to cut ties so it makes things so much easier for them? Why couldn’t it be easy?

Calum’s sure he’s going to pull all his hair out. One moment, things are going good. They get a little tight for sure with their schedules never quite lining up to allow them more time together. But this is the third day in a row that he’s gone with nothing from her. No texts, not a returned call. Not even a meme in their Twitter thread. Nothing on her finsta. Her regular account post mainly about her upcoming shows. But he is as closed to being blocked without actually being blocked. 

“Hey, I-I don’t know if something’s gone wrong. But please, please call me back. Or text me. Or send me a voice message. Something. Anything. Please? If I did anything, please let know what it was? I’m worried. Am I losing you?”

He ends the recording and sends it. Maybe he ought to stop reaching out so much. Should he wait for her to respond before sending more? But he doesn’t want to lose her? He doesn’t want to lose what they have. He hasn’t found it with anyone else in all his searching and even in his not searching. This fell into his lap and he can’t stand to lose it. Not when there had to be something to do to save it. 

His phone sits for another day and half before she calls. He hands shake as he goes to answer it. He almost doesn’t want to answer it. His vegetable stir fry even threatens to come back up his throat. It’s not even burnt this time. But somewhere in his mind, somewhere deep, he had figured she wouldn’t ever call him back. He would be cursed to always wonder what went wrong. “Hey,” he breathes as he answers the call. 

“Hey.” It’s croaky, like she might’ve been crying. And then it’s silent. Neither one of them are sure how to bring it up. Neither of them know how to ask what’s lingering between the two of them seems almost too much for words.

“Did I do something?”

“No,” she sighs. It would be easier if he had. It would be easier if she had. It would be easier if both of them were just bad for each other. “It’s just hard.” 

“Talk to me. Let me in. We can figure it out.”

That’s the whole crux of her issue. She had let Calum in. She had let him so far in that it was starting to seem impossible to stay in her country and work. She had let him so far in that she wasn’t sure it would be possible to go months without seeing him properly. He was in everything, her bookshelves, her closet, her studio, her lyrics, her studio, in her sheets. Everything reminded her of him. And it just hurt in a way that she didn’t think being in love could hurt. In her silence, Calum continues on, “Let me look at something.” He scrolls through the emails, looking at the dates. 

“How? How do we figure it out? On your tour, the only break you have in my country I’m in promo. And after that, you only get a day here or there. Everything’s so mismatched now.” 

Calum blinks the tears that are stinging at his lower lash line. “Something’s gonna give.” Something has to give. There has to be something. Calum goes back to emails. What would be the magic code for them?

“I just don’t know what to do anymore.”

His throat jumps at her words, heart racing. “No, don’t say that. If you say that, I know what comes next.”

“Maybe it would just be easier, Calum.” 

He is sick of it. Sick of things always blowing up in his face. But he can’t make her do something. He can’t make her take the words back, even if he wants her too. “We said there was an us.” It’s not accusorary as it falls from his lips. It just hurts. Things were going so well for so long, until time proved herself the ultimate judge yet again. “So what now?” The walls of his house start to push in closer on him. 

“I’m not saying I never wanted more for us. I’m not saying that I want to cut you completely out of my life, Calum. I wanted so much more for us.”

“Me too. I want more for us.” 

“Is now a good time though? Is now going to allow us more?”

Calum wants to laugh, it bubbles in his chest and he knows it’s delivery would be dry but he swallows it back down. “If you’re always waiting for the perfect moment, you’ll be waiting for a long time.”

“Maybe there’s a better time for us. Not a perfect one. Just a better one.”

“Maybe,” he whispers. 

“You know, you’re in everything right? When you said to let you in, I couldn’t help but think that was my problem. You’re in my goddamn sheets. You’re in everything. When the sun rises, it’s like watching you smile. If you think I’m shutting you out, that I’m trying to save myself, I want you to know that I’m doing the exact opposite. I am drowning. In everything. In you. In whatever the fuck it means to be a musician. I am drowning and I can’t bear taking you down with me.”

He couldn’t possibly be in everything, not when she was in everything for him. In his journals, in the strings of his bass. When he sits down at a piano, he can’t help but think of the throaty notes that start the song she wrote about him. He can’t help but hear her voice, Brown irises and black tattoos. Maybe they were both drowning and couldn’t see anything but the water invading their own nostrils and lungs. “You’ll always be there,” Calum says, sniffling. The tears shock him, he hadn’t felt them until they’re running down his neck. He doesn’t even know where there is, but he feels it in the cavity of his chest.

_________________

That video is going to haunt him. And it’ll haunt her too. Whenever they see the videos and pictures of when Calum surprised her on stage it always shows just how fucking happy they were with each other. How things really were working for them. But right around the corner, right as she runs behind the edge of the stage, the world doesn’t see the kiss. They don’t see the tears that followed phone calls. They don’t see how schedules always seems to be running in parallel but never fucking intersectiong. That’s all they needed. Just one point to intersect, to meet again at, and maybe they would still be tagging each other in stupid memes. Maybe they would still be talking until crazy hours of the morning. Maybe they would still be writing small poems about each other and always posting them, but never saying who they were about. 

Maybe if they just had the one chance to intersect again, her second album wouldn’t be about him. Maybe she could’ve talked about the way the clouds surf in the sky. Maybe she would have pondered the questions of existence without it being tied up in lost love. Maybe Calum would’ve had more to say in interviews. Maybe then, no one would ask him about his love life and it wouldn’t hurt to goddamn bad every time one of the other boys would jump in to save him. Maybe Calum wouldn’t feel like a rock sinking to the bottom of the river and seeing the sunlight just above him, but never having the willpower to push back up. 

He hadn’t removed her number. Hadn’t unfollowed her on her finsta. Hadn’t blocked her on a goddamn platform. Because somehow that felt like a harsher step. Like a permanent close, like he was trying to erase who she was and what she had meant to him. It’s stupid, he knows. It’s insane and it’s not helping him in the slightest, but he can’t bring himself to do it. Maybe part of it was that natural and sometimes detrimental curiosity if that person was suffering just like you. He wanted to know if she bled just like him, if her pain was just as vicious as his. 

Calum watches the video loop back again. The way she bites her lower lip but runs after him. The crowd is still screaming. They are still cheering. They are still buzzing. After saving the tweet, he drafts a message to her: I know you’ve moved to New York. I hope you’re enjoying it. City makes you feel anonymous doesn’t it? I have two days off during this tour. Maybe we have our better time now? I’m sure by now you know all the best places in town for pizza. I could be down for some cheesy delights. 

Should he send that? His fingers shake. What’s left for them after a year and a half? They’ve still supported each other. He retweets about all her singles and videos. She praises the band’s new music in interviews. They aren’t unknown to each other. But somehow they feel like two ghosts. There’s a glass wall between and they look at each other just in passing. They never touch. They never intersect again. Instead, he exits the messaging app, but doesn’t actually delete the words. 

When he goes back to the message thread, about a week from their dates in New York, there’s no shock that the app hasn’t saved it. And he feels partially relieved. He exits the app again and goes back to his mindless scroll through Instagram. An app saved him this time. 

There is nothing to save him though, when he walks into the green room and spies her shrugging a coat on. The New York mornings are a little cool to the start. His heart is now in his throat. He’s not sure if he should swallow it back down. “We can go,” Ashton says quietly, taking him back his arm gently.

And somehow, like her ears are tuned in on everything, she hears something like her name, something like a soft wisp of a voice. When she looks up and sees Calum, donned in all black, though his long lined jacket has some white stitching and embroidery, she’s sure she could melt into the floor. He still looks good. Still has the same quiet pout to his face that makes him look slightly less approachable but it changes in a heartbeat when he smiles. She grabs the strap to her bookbag purse. 

She knows it was her that ended things. She knows that seeing Calum here in front of her, should make her feel embarrassed. But somehow, all she wants to do, all she’s ever wanted to do since that phone call is embrace him one last time. Tell him that he’s still handsome as ever. Promise him that she meant what she said, that he was and still is in everything. “C’mon. We gotta go,” her security tell her. 

But all she can do is stare at Calum. Unzipping her purse, she finds the note, the letter she never had the courage to send him and with a deep breath, she walks over. Ashton looks like he could probably murder her. And she doesn’t blame him. She could never blame that instinct to protect the ones you love especially from the ones that hurt them the most. “I’m sorry,” she says, holding out the white envelope. “For everything. And if we don’t ever get that better time, know I’d only ever wish the best for you.”

Calum’s fingers barely grasp onto the note before she’s sidestepping him. The boys circle around him, like they’re just waiting for his word to pounce. She steps through the heavy glass door. And she’s leaving him again. She’s going to slip through his fingers. Again. Pushing through Luke and Michael, Calum swings open the door. “Wait!” he calls out. 

She stops, spinning on her heels to face him again. Calum jogs down the corridor. All the offices have windows. Everyone is probably watching. With both hands cupping her face, letter between his fingers and all, he pulls her in close. “You’re not leaving me again. You’re not going to walk out my life a second time. Not without me putting up a hell of a fight.”

“You shouldn’t fight for me. Not after what I did.”

“Meet me tonight. Let’s actually talk about it. I’ve been holding so much inside and if, god forbid, if it’s not now if we had our shoot and we fucking blew it, at least I’ll know for sure.”

“Does 8 work for you?” She tries so hard not to wrap her hands around his wrist, not to slide it up his forearms and tug herself into his chest. And god, he still smells the same. Old Spice and Gain. It feels so right to press herself into his chest. 

“Yeah,” he mumbles into the top of her head. It’s still the same scent as before in almost two years, he can’t even believe it.

She takes a step back, patting at her pockets and pulls out a pen. Pulling the envelope from his fingers, she scribbles down a name and address. “If this place is too far from your hotel, just call me.” He watches her, jotting down more numbers. “It’s my new US number.” While handing the infor back to him, she grins just a little. “Don’t lose it now.”

Calum laughs, remembering the first time she delivered that line to him. “I won’t. Promise.”

Dear Calum, 

There’s no real way to say this that doesn’t make my chest feel like it’s been punched  in. I shouldn’t have let you go. There was a way to make it all work. There was a way so that you and I could’ve pushed through. I was just too scared of things going too right, going too well. Maybe that sounds dumb. Or maybe that sounds insane. But the truth of the matter, I messed up. I’m sorry. And you don’t have to ever forgive me. You deserve the ability to move on. You deserve everything good that comes to you in the future. I want you to be happy. Even if it’s not with me. Even if our better time has passed. 

You deserve to be happy. 

Calum reads over the letter again. Still not sure how his lungs are still operating because he was positive all the air had been exhaled. It’s the fourth time he’s read it today. Since he had Michael read it out to him in the green room. He would’ve asked Ashton, but knew that Ashton would’ve told him not to worry, to keep moving forward. Because he had, in a way. He had thrown himself into music. He had tried to chase after her in other people. He had read all the books on poetry, and love, and philosophy. But something down in his gut told him that he would never let her go again if he got a second chance with her. 

He looks at the date. She wrote it six months after everything went south. Maybe she forgot to send it. It had his name on it--just never fully addressed out though. She could’ve messaged him. Emailed. Called. Literally anything and he would’ve answered. But hadn’t she? What held her back? And just as he goes to read it over one more time, the door chimes open. He looks at his phone. Just as the time ticks over to 8. And when he glances over his shoulder, there she is. In the same jacket from before. 

The little pizza shop isn’t too loud. Most people come in just to get their few slices and then dip right back out. She smiles, waving just a little before sliding onto the stool next to him. She points to the letter, that he hasn’t even moved to put up, “Sorry it’s not my best work. I thought about finding a synonym for happy but nothing fit right.”

With a breathy chuckle, Calum folds the letter up, slipping it into his pocket. “What do you recommend off the menu?”

“God, with this place, anything.” 

They settle back down on the stools, paper plates not fully supporting the extra large slices and a stack of napkins between them. The grease runs down his chin and Calum feels it rolling too. But his hands are full trying to keep his slice from falling. She laughs, dabbing at his face with a napkin. “I still see you’re the messiest eater around.”

“Hey, hey, it’s not my fault,” he grins. Their giggles dissipate as the bell chimes again, a signal of another patron entering. “What happened?” The question doesn’t feel full enough, doesn’t feel like it fully encapsulates all the confusion he holds. But yet, those are the only words he has.

“A lot started happening all at once. Your tour, my second album. More shows. It just-I felt like I couldn’t breathe. That I wasn’t a person. And maybe part of it was selfish. Maybe I was trying to save myself all along and I was just telling myself and you that I wasn’t selfish. I really am sorry. Like, if I had known, god if I had known that doing that would’ve caused all the pain it did, trust me, I wouldn’t have. If I could go back and tell myself, that crazy shit happens and you just gotta learn how to keep your cool, I’d do it in a heartbeat. It was a mistake letting you go. But at the same time, reaching out felt wrong too. Like I would’ve been ruining the peace you had created for yourself. And I didn’t want to do that either.”

“You know, I felt like we had something different. Like that was really going to be it for me and I had finally figured out this whole being in love thing. That I wouldn’t have to worry about anything. And maybe that was my mistake. Maybe I saw something happening and didn’t do anything.”

“We were living continents away. With everything happening, you weren’t seeing all of it. No need to blame yourself.” She takes his hand, slipping her fingers between his, twisting at the silver band around his middle finger. “I do want you to be happy, Calum. I want you to be so happy it just can’t be contained.”

“I was with you.” He squeezes her hand, willing her to look at him and not the street in front of them, through the glass. 

“I’m still not in L.A.”

“But you are in the same country as me now and I will take that.”

“You’d still take me back after everything?” When she looks at him, brows furrowed together, Calum knows he’s a goner. He always was with her. 

“I would.” 

“You’d be crazy.”

“I am already crazy. Because I’m tempted to ask you where you’re staying and if I could stay the night.”

He’s leaned in to her, just a hair. And she leans in too, resting mostly shoulder to shoulder. “You are crazy,” she laughs softly, taking in the reflection of the neon lights on the street. “But maybe I’m also crazy too.”

The night is cool again. Both of their boots scuff the concrete. She doesn’t stay far from the small diner, a ten minute walk really. With fingers threaded through each other, they walk huddled close up the sidewalks. The wind whips across their faces. They dodge piles of trash on the edge of the sidewalks and they keep their heads down so as to not attract a crowd. “How do you like New York? Got to be a huge shock?”

“It most definitely is. I like feeling anonymous here. With so many people around.”

“I know you said you don’t do well with people and New York feels like the opposite of the place you want to. Especially not in the city.”

“I mean, I still don’t do great with people. I’m in the city for the time being. But I have my eye on a few places further out. But after everything, I felt less lonely here. I don’t know. No one cared about who I was. No one cared what the fuck I was doing here. And I liked it better that way. Back home, everyone knew. Everyone looked at me like I was a broken vase. Here, no one gave a shit. It’s move or be moved here. Forced me to come to terms with everything. Forced me to accept everything I was trying to hide.”

“Do you need to go to your hotel? Grab or bag or something?” She asks just before they pass the opening for the subway. 

“I have my roomkey. It’s all good. All the interviews were today.” 

“As long as you’re sure.”

He gives her hand another squeeze. “I’m sure.” They reach the door to the complex and she digs out her keys, opening the front door. Calum follows her through the second set of doors. The elevator is a little janky as it carries them up, and definitely tiny. In the space, they’re pressed chest to chest. There are a few extra lines around her eyes, he notices and runs the pad of his thumb over the skin. It’s just as soft as it’s always been. She feels so familiar under his touch, yet so new. 

It’s not a far ascent and she laughs when he pouts as she pulls away. “Just like four more steps.” 

It’s true to word, when they step out of the elevator, her door is directly in front of it. Her keys jingle just a little as she works the lock and pushes into the chipping red paint of the door. Her dog leaps from the couch, greeting her and then barking just a little when they spot Calum. He laughs, kneeling to hug them to his chest. “You still remember me, huh?” he laughs, as they attempt to lick his face and jaw. “Oh, too long, I know. Sorry, bubs. Didn’t forget about you.”

She takes his jacket, hanging it by the door. “Want anything to drink?”

Calum shakes his head from her couch, working at his shoes. “No, I’m good, thank you.”

She nods, watching as her dog claims Calum’s attention. But she can’t find an ounce of herself to be mad or annoyed. So she slips out of her shoes and puts them up, before getting herself a bottle of water. When she settles onto the couch, she just laughs at the antics. Calum keeps trying to say something but at every twist, her dog is right there, plopping themselves in his lap. Calum eventually gives up and wraps his arms around their body, scratching lightly at their fur. 

“Someone missed you too,” she teases, putting her two fingers really close together. “Just a tiny bit.”

His laughter echoes in her head. “Yeah, clearly just a little.” He lifts his head just a little when he feels the wet tongue at his chin. “So, you’re working on your third album?”

“On and off,” she admits. “Playing more shows than anything for the time being. I don’t have to think. Everytime I think too much I end up fucking something up. So I’m just taking it easy for the time being. Taking some brand deals.”

“You’ve got a collab coming out soon, right?”

She nods at the question, laughing as her dog finally settles down. “Yeah, next month. I’ve always lived kind of a boring life, you know that.”

“There’s a lot I don’t know.” He can finally shift, as her dog wanders over to the water bowl, so that he can sit in front of her. It’s a dangerous game. He’s played it before with her. But he takes her chin into his hands. “We haven’t really talked in a while.”

“Is there something you want to say, Calum?”

“Yeah,” he returns simply. Her breath hitches, eyes searching his brown ones for something, anything that tells her what’s going on. “I wonder if your lips still feel the same. I always thought about the way you’d laugh sometimes into a kiss. And it used to haunt me. But right now, I want to find out if anything else has changed.”

She wastes no time, pushing up and sealing her mouth around his. His hand slides to the back of her neck and she pulls at the collar of his shirt. They fall into each other, then falling into the arm of the couch. She exhales her laughter, still pecking at Calum’s lip. Her fingers tease the skin of his upper chest and neck.

“I was right,” he grins. 

She hooks her finger around the gold plate. “I guess you were.” She pulls him back in for another kiss, slipping her hands into his hair. 

As his lips trail over her jaw and down to her neck, she thinks about the time at her apartment back home, Calum woke her up with kisses down her jaw. They still feel the same. Maybe even a little bit better. His finger push up the hem of her shirt, squeezing at the flesh of her side. She sighs and Calum groans at the sound. It sets off everything in his body when he hears her quiet noises of pleasure. 

“Is this okay?” he asks, pulling away to look at her as his fingers brush over her skin. “I don’t want to push you or take things too fast this time.”

Being with Calum feels like no time has past, if she’s honest. She doesn’t have the butterflies, just the comfort of someone she’s known for a year. And it sort of feels like they’re picking back up from where they left off. “I’m okay with it.”

He grins and she sees it--that rising sun in the gleam. His forehead rests against her. “I kinda feel like we have a lot of lost time to make up for.” His lips brush just over hers as he speaks. 

She exhales her laughter again, but agrees. “Just a little bit. I really am sorry.”

“We all make mistakes. You just have to communicate with me, okay? That’s all. Talk to me this time. If you feel like you’re drowning, let me help. Please.”

She pushes up and Calum settles back down into the cushion, taking her hands into his. “I know things won’t be like, perfect now. But I guess, it’s really important that we do get to spend quality time together.”

“It is. And I know my tour schedule is pretty packed right now, but there’s another longer break in about three weeks. They’re LA shows. I don’t know if you have plans, but if you do, we can hang out then.”

She has to laugh because here’s the trouble all over again. “Booked recording sessions then.”

“Okay, well, the week after that is the break between legs. What are you doing then?”

“Nothing.” There’s a break between sessions, and she had just planned to use the time to breathe. 

“I’ll fly you out then. Just you and I and my rehearsals. But that’s besides the point.”

Laughing, she rests her head into his bicep. “Just you, I, and your rehearsals. Got it.”

“We’ll have to better plan out things, that’s all. We’ll have to look at both our schedules and make sure that there’s sufficient breaks and time together.” He guides her head up. “I want you. And I mean all of you. I can’t stand to lose you again.”

“I just have to make sure Ashton doesn’t kill me.”

“He’s protective, yes. But not an evil. I’ll talk to him. Don’t you worry.” 

“He did write a whole song about how he’d bury a body for you. So I think I have a little bit to worry about.”

Calum laughs, shaking his head. “Maybe just a little bit.” Her grin makes him want to bottle it. He wants to carry it with him in his pocket. Leaning closer, he kisses her again. “But right now, it’s just you and I. There’s nothing else but time for us right now.”

She hums. “I like the sound of that.”

Fingers trail back under shirts. She drinks down his moans as they tease, barely touch. Calum’s shirt is discarded in the living room and her is pulled off in the hallway. Calum holds her face in his hands, memorizing the way her teeth sink into his bottom lip in the gentle nip. He moans. Fuck, she feels so good against him. 

Her spine shivers as his fingers trail to her back and unsnap the band of her bra. As the fabric falls from her shoulders and she tosses it somewhere, Calum takes a hand just to cup her. His fingers roll the erect bud and she sighs again, mouth falling slack against his. He laughs. “Hmm, that’s right. Someone does like their nipples played with.”

She grins though, blinking open her eyes. “Don’t think I forgot that you don’t listening to rules and like a little pain.”

Finding her waist with both hands, Calum holds her in close. “You wouldn’t dare.”

She bends her knees, just a little and with hot and open mouth kisses she trails down his chest before taking her teeth into the meat of his peck. Calum jolts, a grunt falling over his lips and throat. “I would dare,” she returns. 

They fall into her sheets, the same golden ones from before. They’re just as soft against Calum’s skin. It’s warm, as their skin heats up. Her skirt has landed somewhere to the floor and Calum pushes his hips up as she shrugs the denim down. She kisses over his thighs, moaning just a little. Calum lets his eyes flutter close at her soft kisses. 

Everything just feels right. Even as Calum takes a nipple into his mouth, tongue teasing her just a little. Or when she kisses over his length. But right now, she tosses her head back when Calum pries her legs open kissing up her inner thighs. “I’ve dreamed of this,” he whispers, watching as she clenches, more of her arousal leaking from her. 

She huffs, pulling a hand through her hair. “You sure do know how to make a girl sweat.”

“It’s a speciality,” he laughs with a wink before kissing her clit. She balls on fist around her sheets, stomach completely clenched. The last thing she wants is to have to wait much longer for anything. The anticipation can be a good thing, though she’s doing everything she can to keep her cool. That is, until Calum finally takes the first lap from her and she unravels, a moan leaving her throat as it mixes with a whine. 

He takes his time, pushing her thighs and knees to give him all the access he could ever want. Calum licks another stripe over her, before sucking her clit into his mouth. She taste better than he could’ve ever imagined. Every sound she gives--moans, groans, or a whine--rattles in his brain and spurs him on. One of her hands finds it’s way into his hair and she tries to push up with her hips and his face down into her core. But it’s not like he needs the assistance or the reminder. When he trails down to her opening, his nose brushes over her clit and her body is reeling. 

“Oh, fuck,” she whines, feeling the coil in her lower gut tightening. 

Calum hums at the sounds, and when she praises him, tells him that he’s the only one to make her feel this fucking food, he rewards, slipping a finger into the mix, pushing up into her. “Is that so?” he asks, watching her head dive deeper into the pillows. 

“God, Calum,” she huffs. 

Another finger finds it way inside, pushing and curling in all the right places. Her body feels like it’s on fire. She feels like she’s a coil so tightly wound she’s going to break. His tongue flicks across her click, lapping at her. And that’s it, that’s the right combination to send her over the edge. Over she goes, with a yelp, her orgasm rocking her frame and toes curling as she cries out for Calum. 

He keeps her going, keeps curling his fingers at her. So lost in the way she sounds. And when the huffs turn into a hiss, he pulls back. She beckons him up, kissing him and tasting her own arousal coating his lips and tongue. He’s careful not to settle fully against her, but it’s quickly changed when her legs come up and lock around his waist. “I’m not gonna break,” she laughs, when he finally let’s go and sinks into her. 

She swallows his response with a kiss but it doesn’t matter anyway. Her hips come up and Calum rolls onto his back, letting her settle atop him. Her nails rake down his skin and she sucks at his neck, he’s sure it’ll bruise just a little but it’s okay with him. His nails dig into the flesh of her hips, not sure if he wants the friction right now or if he just needed to revel in the feeling of her against him. 

“Shit,” he whines when she rocks over him. “I-fuck.”

She laughs, pulling away to reach into her drawer. “That sounds about right.”

Calum delivers a swift swat to her ass at the joke, but laughs anyway. “That is not funny.”

“Then why are you laughing.” When she turns her attention back to him, condom in hand. She stretches down to kiss him again. “Did I ever tell you you’re not the only one that likes a little pain?”

His eyebrows arches and he smooths over her ass before delivering another spank to her opposite cheek. She sighs, eyes fluttering close just a little. “Oh, buttercup, you should’ve never told me that.” 

“We can save it for another time? Because right now the only thing I can think about is riding you until the sun rises.”

Kneading at her breast, Calum grins. “Now, that sounds about right.” 

There’s a moment, right as she settles down on him fully, that they both moan at the feeling. Calum because of the warmth and slickness, her because of the stretch. Her head is dizzy again with need. She steadies herself with her hands planted on his chest and rocks. All she can focus on is the girth of him, stretching her completely open. It makes her toes tingle and she falters, falling into his chest, but starts a new cadence, pulling up and settling back down on his length. 

“Holy shit,” he huffs. She buries her face into the crook of his neck and Calum coaxes her out, to look at him. “You don’t get to hide from me, not again. Wanna see that pretty face when you cum.”

Her hips are still rocking but she nods, eyes fluttering close just for a moment. Calum kisses her, and it’s his turn to swallow down the moan she feeds him. She pushes back up, pulling her own breast between her fingers. Calum loses the top of his head, he’s sure, watching as she rides him. His fingers trail over her hips, up to her stomach. “Why’d you have to be so handsome?” she teases breathy. 

He’s not sure how to respond. Unsure of the heat he feels is a blush or the sweltering of arousal flooding his body. She takes one of his hands, trailing it towards her heat. And Calum takes the hint, thumb circling the bundle of nerves. Her head falls back on her neck as a hum builds in her chest. Calum kneads at her right breast, pulling and pushing at every button he can to have orgasm again for him. 

A high pitched squeak falls from her. The bed taps against the wall, but neither one of them really cares. Her orgasm washes over it, like a wave crashing into the shoreline. She shudders, clenching around him and falls again into his chest, but pushes up onto her elbows, remember Calum’s early demand. “Fuck,” she whines when he starts to fuck up into her. He pulls her body up and she’s useless, body still like jello from her orgasm. Her words catch in her throat. 

“It’s okay,” he whispers into her ear when she bites down onto his shoulder. “You know I like the pain.”

“Feel so good,” she returns. “Calum, shit, you feel so good.” His hips start to stutter, trying to ride out for longer, but knowing that inevitably he’s at the end of his rope. She kisses over his neck. “Cum for me, yeah? Please.”

Who is he to deny her? Who is he she to defy her? He ruts up once, twice, and she clenches hard, taking most of the wind of his third thrust but he cums hard, arms squeezing her to his chest and he knows he’s loud in her ear as he groans. Though, it’s suspected that’s just the sound she wanted to hear as she seals his mouth with hers. 

Calum wraps the towel around his waist. She’s already under the cover, with them flipped down for him. She pats the spot in the mattress. He can see some of the hickies covering her chest that he left behind. Without much thought, Calum dries off a bit more and then slips between the sheets. “Hey,” she whispers. “Come here often?”

“My first time actually. But the first of many, I hope.”

Her nose scrunches as Calum taps it. “Yeah, of many. I brought your phone into the room. Put it on my spare charger. And I know that it’ll go off at 5:55 AM. No, you don’t have to turn it off. I know it’s important to you.”

“You--you still remember that?

“I don’t know if you really remember. But when I said that you were in everything, you were everywhere. I meant it.” She turns to her back, the sheets tucked up to her chin. Both of them are bare beneath them. 

Calum’s taken up drawing random patterns on her stomach as he holds himself up on his elbow, facing her. “I remember. Could never forget that.”

“Guess we might’ve meant for something more, something better.” Her voice is soft. The blinds in her window let the lights of the city in. Nothing about it is quiet as sirens pass by. Calum lets his head fall into her pillows. She turns, both of them now facing each other again. Her arm slides over his waist. He throws one of his legs over hers. 

She’s content like this, where she can kiss across the tattoos on his chest. Though she can’t really see the one just under his peck, she thinks about the question poised there. Why would she choose anything other than Calum? It remains quiet for a while and she thinks he’s fallen asleep until his chest rumbles. 

“We were. It was just a matter of getting there. Finding the right path for us.” He’s positive, as she shuffles in a little closer that this is it for him. And if he has to fight hell, heaven, or high water, he’d do it all for her. 

[a-second-chance-su-au]

Where is the comic? (Story progress, please read at least the last bit)

Hey guys, Mod Dimonds here! This is both an apology and an explination, and I’ll try to keep it short, but this is where I’m at at the moment so. (If you want to read the “important” part, go find the bold and read from there.)

First of all, no, the comic is NOT on hiatus. And I do have time to work on it irl. The reason I haven’t been working on it is because of the script. I realized that in this scene we’re at right now, I was missing an important piece of information. So- like the idiot that I am- the one time I delete everything I have and start over is the time I happen to get stuck. I cannot progress because I can’t figure out the dialogue.

The problem really is that this conversation establishes a bunch of info for you, the audience, and also provides a bit of context of Pink/Rose’s decision to get Spinel in the first place. So it’s a really important scene. And I think that’s the issue. I cannot write it well. I keep getting off-track, or skipping over stuff. The one time I wrote all the info in there, BOTH Pearl and Rose were out of character. It’s a mess, and I’ve been struggling with rewriting it for at least two weeks now. I need to get it right, and I think I’ve figured out how, but now writer’s block is a thing I have to deal with, too. But I won’t stop until I get this scene right. Then it’s back to drawing IMMEDIETLY afterwards!

I’m sorry I haven’t been able to work on the comic. I hope to get back to it soon!

Second, I have to retcon something I said earlier, about Spinel’s backstory being 7 parts. And it is! However, I don’t want to show the whole thing. I want her story to unfold naturally and organically in the “show,” meaning that as soon as this scene is over, I will be working on SU the show, starting with Bubble Buddies and going from there! The entire timeline is complete (for the original series) unless I decide to throw in a few new episodes to fit the Season 1 aesthetic or change up a few things, so we don’t need to worry about that. The artstyle will be very SU, meaning no shading on the characters (usually), but very nice backgrounds. I am really excited to get working on it, but I feel that I need to finish this scene first.

And that’s what I want to ask y’all. Would you rather just shelve her backstory for right now while I figure out how to write it, and allow the show to start “playing”? Or would you rather wait until I get this figured out? It’s going to affect the flow of the Archive, that’s for sure, but I don’t think that’s a huge problem? Maybe an inconvenience, but everything has links ‘n stuff. I don’t know.

Either ask, DM me, or reply in the notes here on your preferance. I will be less likely to listen to anons tho, since I have no way of knowing if it was the same person twice, but everyone will be taken into account on the choice.

Now to the apology: I’m sorry I didn’t come out about this earlier. No one has been asking where the comic is, but I still feel guilty about it. I said I had it scripted, and then literally 1/2 days later, I deleted what I had and started over, then couldn’t fix it. Whoops. But that’s on me, and I apologize.

I want to give this story the depth that canon SU does for itself, and as of right now, I think I have a good rough draft to do that. But I still want to take my time and really analyze what I have and search for those places where I can do better, or things don’t add up. And I think that’s one of the reasons I can’t do this scene well. I just have to take it slowly. We’ll see.

Anyways. Thank you for reading and understanding.

[konaizumi]

Gen Y ep 11 thoughts/reaction

- yeees, make thanuwayu canon!

- i literally just want wayu to be happy

- one of my favorite things about this show is how mature the characters feel, like a majority of the conflicts are caused by the characters being confused or unsure of their feelings and trying to take time to work through them and this unintentionally hurts other characters, but this feels more genuine than a bunch of drama created by stupid misunderstandings and characters being petty, and yes, communication would help a lot of these problems, but it never feels like the writers are just adding things in for no other reason than ‘drama’

- anyways, back to thanuwayu and that beautiful hug and wayu’s precious smile

- that brief flash of thanu’s smile, looking so genuinely happy to have wayu in his arms

- poor phai tho, I don’t want any of my babies getting hurt

- anybody else freak out for a second when he took off his shirt in the mirror and worry that he had gotten the tattoo then were immediately relieved when his back was still bare? just me?

- i tend to prefer college shows rather than high school ones, but my favorite thing about high school thai bls is how accurately they portray high school boys, just boys goofing off, showing their sexy hips

- pls poktong just kiss and make up already, i liked you a lot better when your genre was fluff

- watching pok being all flirty and douchy just seems out of character

- 15 min in and still no markkit

- i’m glad the whole blackmailing plot has now been fully explained, but seeing sandee suddenly smirking and being an asshole is giving me the same feelings as when poktong got weirdly aggressive last ep (by feelings i mean confusion and dislike)

- i wanted phai to end up with sandee bc sandee was so cute and sweet but i don’t know if i want that anymore

- also i forgive tong a little bit for what he did (getting pok beat up not switching the test scores) knowing that he had good(ish) intentions, he still fucked up tho and did a bad thing

- i’m calling it now, either next ep or next season, right when poktong is finally making progress, pok will find out about the switched scores and bam, drama

- pls poktong just kiss and make up already

- i know this scene is supposed to be romantic and all but i can’t stop cringing at the placement of the kisses, like next to the mouth but not quite the cheek? the chin??

- back to my preferred high school babies

- i can’t stop laughing at how they all got the coming of age parted bangs hairstyle to symbolize that they’re in college now

- all the high school babies look good except for pok who now has too much forehead, not that his style before was great but it was better

- thanu is such boyfriend material

- that phaiwayu hug hurts my soul, wayu looks so happy, i just want them both to be happy and not get hurt

- Finally!! 25 min in and finally we get markkit

- i want more of this thanu, thanu with a smile and joking around with his friends

- I really want jiw’s butterfly shirt

- jack and jew kidknapping mark like that was prob my favorite moment of the whole episode, that gif is now my header

- alright, padbok is back, still waiting for their story, but i kinda hope their resolution waits till season 2 bc i want character development for padbok and there’s already so much that needs to happen next ep that i think his story would only be rushed and somewhat glossed over

- i know some people hate padbok, and i also find him annoying, but ever since they dropped the idea of padbok x sab in an earlier ep, all i want is padbok redemption ark

- i guess thanu is somehow going to feature in the poktong story

- i absolutely love sab and klui, they are my favorites of the high school babies

- i guess i can’t call them high school babies anymore

- jackkoh, just admit your feelings for each other already

- aww, markkitwayu choosing custody over the babies, mark wants to be a good senior so badly

- soon as kit said they hadn’t picked a medicine beau, i was like, it’s going to be tong, and i was right, it’s ittpai all over again, but whether it’s better or worse remains to be seen

- kit really does attract the beau’s doesn’t he

- don’t worry mark, you’re much prettier than pok

- pls give me more kitwayu bonding and helping each other heal from pha

- damn kit, you were so close to getting phai to spill

- yes phai, make kit move in with mark

- i absolutely need to know what kit’s test is for phai’s suitors

- i would just like to admire dun’s ability to look so completely lovestruck, like his gaze is just so full of love and it’s so sweet

- that kiss was so cute, i’m sorry i ever doubted you thanuwayu

- that’s pha’s car isn’t it? he’s watching them? I thought he would come back this ep and cause some drama, but he didn’t so he has to come back next ep right?

- i like that they’ve softened poktong bc i like them much better as friends to lovers rather than enemies to lovers

- honestly, their story has a lot of potential but something about it is just really not working well for me and i think its the weird aggression bc they don’t annoy me when their being sweet and smiling. I think if pok had more of a bad boy vibe originally it would’ve been better bc the aggression wouldn’t seem so ooc and the conflict would feel a bit more natural

- their story also has a ton of parallels to ittpai (my gear your gown), so im interested how it’s going to go bc i did like ittpai despite the narrative issues of that show

- poktong: *doing whatever tf they’re doing*

  mark: tf did i just step in

- i really appreciate thanu just saying straight out that he has feelings for wayu, i know he struggled with it, but i like him coming to this point that’s like yes, he feels an attraction to phai, he feels drawn to him and he’s seen their poential future, but right now he has actual, solid feelings for wayu built up from their interactions over months

- what he has with phai isn’t real--it could be real, if he went down that path and choose to get closer to phai, but right now his feelings for wayu are real, so that’s what he’s choosing

- him saying they should never meet again was a little tho, spare my poor baby phai at least a little bit

- i get a dose of serotonin every time i see kit wearing mark’s gear

- the markkit is lacking this ep but they are trying to make up for it with all this good good thanuwayu content

- i’m torn between wanting and not wanting thanu to tell wayu about phai bc it will hurt wayu if he does but it’s gonna hurt more later on when wayu finds out on his own

- I can’t tell if wayu has a suspicion about phai, like he def senses there’s another person but I can’t tell if he knows it’s phai

- okay but thanuwayu are so cute and sweet together

- pls let my babies kiss, i couldn’t appreciate their first kiss bc i didn’t ship them then and wayu thought it was pha so pls let them have a do over

- you know what, i like thanuwayu having visions like thanuphai. I can’t quite tell if that was the writers’ intention, but i hope it is bc that would imply that thanuphai aren’t actually soulmates and that what they see is just a potential future, like they could be happy together, but there are also other people who they can be happy with

- i’m not super crazy about this whole ‘let’s rewrite my memories of pha with memories of you’ bc that doesn’t seem like the healthiest way to move on from pha or to start a new relationship but whatever makes wayu happy i guess

- however i do like how it ties into the whole ‘no predetermined fate’ thing and shows how life is shaped by choices and chance

- pls let my babies kiss tho

- hey so i am not liking this preview of the next ep

- anyways, so i’m liking how their handling the thanuwayuphai thing so far, but it is going to be bad next ep as im assuming the envelope that has phai’s picture is probably phai returning the picture to cut ties but obvi wayu is going to find out about their relationship

- still not sure how i feel about poktong, its better than last ep which i did not like and def shows more potential, but i think we’re gonna have to wait and see, don’t like the direction they’re taking with sandee tho

- also whoops, this got really long but i have a lot of feelings about this show

- fingers crossed for actual markkit content next ep

[damienthepious]

i’m not going to apologize for this angst but i am going to say that it has been being built towards for a while and like, it was bound to happen, tbh. tho i am sorry about who precisely gets the worst of it, this chapter. Whoops. anyway happy (?) lizard kissin!

Going Through Changes, Ripping Out Pages (chapter 7)

[ch 1] [ch 2] [ch 3] [ch 4] [ch 5] [ch 6] [ao3] [ch 8] [ch 9] [ch 10] [???]

Fandom: The Penumbra Podcast

Relationship: Lord Arum/Sir Damien/Rilla

Characters: Lord Arum, Sir Damien, Rilla, The Keep

Additional Tags: Second Citadel, Lizard Kissin’ Tuesday, Established Relationship, (uhhhhh sorta), Amnesia, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, (WE WILL GET THERE…… EVENTUALLY)

Summary: Lord Arum wakes to discover that some things have changed while he slept. Namely, there is a human in his bed.

Chapter Summary: No solutions yet, but it's the dead of night, they are exhausted, and at least one of them is attempting to be responsible with their health right now.

Chapter Notes: This one feels pretty heavy. Is it weird for me to admit that I cried a few different times writing this? Anyway. Take care of yourselves, I love you.

~

Damien swims back to awareness with a rustle of paper and a deep, familiar sigh.

He blinks, stretching his arms above his head with a gasp, and when he sees glossy scales through his bleary blinking he nearly reaches without a second thought-

Nearly. He remembers in time enough to make the motion look only as if it is part of the stretch.

Arum stares at him from a nearby seat, setting aside the books he is holding.

"Kind of you to rejoin us, little knight," he murmurs, his tone blank.

He looks- exhausted, Damien realizes. When he glances to Rilla she doesn't look up from her own reading, though she does quirk her lips into a strained smile, acknowledging him despite her focus. She looks just as harried as the monster, if not more so, a concerning tension in every muscle of her frame.

"How long was I… how late is it?" he asks quietly, and Arum squints for a moment before the Keep gives a gentle answer and the monster frowns more deeply. "Far too late, I think," Damien continues, his suspicions confirmed more by Arum's expression than his dubious understanding of the Keep.

"We've hit a few- a few walls," Rilla says, and her voice is muted and clipped as she lifts a hand to rub at one of her eyes, "but we've been making progress. Got a few hypotheses to test out."

"Bed," Damien says, his voice inarguable. "It's long past time you rested. Your hypotheses will keep until tomorrow, unlike the pair of you."

Rilla sets her jaw for only half a second before her shoulders slump and she nods absently. She sighs, closing the book in front of her. She stands and when Damien steps up beside her she reaches for his hand, and then she glances towards their monster.

"I don't expect we'll be sharing a room tonight," she says, an unexpected brittleness beneath the words, and when Arum blinks Rilla continues quickly. "The Keep should still have my old room tucked away somewhere, anyway. We've done enough tonight that I think we'll be able to make progress with fresh minds in the morning."

"You wish for us to stop working now? We have theories, we could attempt to implement any number of-"

"The last time you ran yourself too ragged you nearly killed yourself and the Keep," Rilla snaps, squeezing Damien's hand almost too hard. "And I don't know about you, Arum, but me? I know for a fact that we're not going to stumble into the right answer on the first try, and I'm way too exhausted to handle another failure right now. If you wanna keep working until you hurt yourself, I can't stop you, but if you want to keep working on this together then you're gonna have to just listen to us and we'll test more theories in the morning."

“But- I-” Arum's jaw clenches, teeth bared, but he looks away from them and after a long moment he sighs, nodding a concession. "Very well. Keep, do you know the room she is referring to?"

The Keep sings a soft reply, pulling out a door, and Rilla's hand tightens on Damien's again, her lips pressing tight together.

"In the morning, then," Arum says, quiet and stilted, and then he gives a very slight bow. "Rest well, humans."

He stares at them for another moment, and then he turns, and the Keep presents him another doorway.

Arum slips through, and then he disappears into the bedroom that should belong to the three of them together.

~

When the Keep closes the portal behind them, Rilla and Damien don't go to bed immediately. They stand just inside the room and Damien holds his arms open and Rilla sags and flings her arms around him and they just- hold each other, clinging tight for a long time. Feels like minutes, possibly into the double digits, but Rilla's brain is going a little hot and fuzzy at the edges so she can't really trust that her sense of time is working just now. Doesn't matter anyway.

Eventually Damien sighs and loosens his grip, leaning back enough to reach up and brush away the hair that's come loose from her braid, his knuckles soft against her temple, and while his hand is in range she tilts her head to kiss his wrist. He breathes a laugh, his smile going so warm and delighted, and Rilla loves him so fucking fiercely, loves that he can find wonder and joy even at the end of a day like this- loves that he can find it in her, even when she feels-

Even when she feels like well-crumpled trash, honestly.

They undress without speaking, and when they crawl into bed Damien tangles their legs together, tangles their hands together between them, ducking his forehead close against hers and humming lightly as he closes his eyes.

"I feel I should apologize," he says gently, his thumb stroking slowly up and down the back of her hand. "I did not mean to sleep, to leave you to contend with this situation alone yet again-"

"It's fine, Damien." She shakes her head, sighing. "It's probably better that you got some rest. And- and I think he feels less threatened when he only has to deal with one of us at a time, anyway."

"Hm," Damien says, a frown tugging at his lip. "Still. I am glad, at least, that you've come upon some ideas, even if none managed to break the spell quite yet."

Rilla swallows roughly, thinking of how stiff and uncertain Arum's hands felt when they took her own, after their failed kiss. "It's not gonna be an easy spell to break, I don't think," she manages in a whisper, and Damien sighs.

"Perhaps not. But… I believe in you," he says, his forehead pressing against her own, his hands interlocking with her own. "I believe in us, my love. My fear is so very small a thing, when measured beside my love for the both of you, my faith in your brilliance. I believe in you, my Rilla."

Rilla-

It's like glass breaking. The moment the first crack shows, the integrity of the entire facade fails. Shatters. She covers her face with both hands, pressing back against the tears that come as her breath cuts off in ragged little gasps. Damien makes a small surprised noise before he curls his arms around her, gathering her against his chest.

"Oh, oh my flower, oh-"

"I don't know what I'm doing," she chokes as Damien lightly kisses her hair, the pads of his fingers rubbing small soothing circles into her back. "I don't- I don't know if we- what if he never remembers, Damien? What if he's just- gone? We barely even know wh-what happened, not for sure, and if we don't know what the curse is, how can we fix- how can we-"

"Rilla, oh love-"

"Even if we convinced him of the truth it doesn't give him back- it doesn't give any of us back the time we lost! He doesn't remember meeting us, he doesn't remember- we convinced him that we aren't lying but what does that m-matter if he doesn't-"

"Breathe," Damien says, and Rilla tries but every time she tries to slow down her breathing her throat catches sharp and she ends up gasping and choking instead. It hurts, her throat, her eyes, her lungs, and she doesn't know how to make it stop .

"Maybe he falls in love with us again but he doesn't- he didn't- is he even the same Arum that we loved before, then? Is it still him, or- or is this some new Arum and the monster we fell in love with is just- gone? All those little bits of time, all- all the talks and- and the moments of realization and- and- he doesn't know, he can't know how-"

Damien makes a gentle hushing noise, his palms still pressing sturdy into her shoulders beneath the sheets, and she clings to him, curling tight. "We don't know that this is permanent, love. We just don't know. I'm frightened too, but- we cannot give in to despair."

"I thought- I thought if we could remind h-him maybe it would trigger- maybe it would pull something back out but- but nothing is working and he doesn't have the first hint of a memory and I feel so-"

"Rilla-"

"Useless! I'm just useless and the way he looks at us makes me want to scream and I just want him back. I want him back and I don't know how. I should- I should know! I should be able to fix this, I just-"

"It's alright, Rilla, it's-"

"It's not, Damien, it's not alright and I don't know h-how to make it alright again and I-"

"It's alright to feel this way," he insists, and his arms around her squeeze. "You need not always hold yourself so stiffly, my love. It is unfair to expect yourself never to crack. You are allowed to feel this. You are hurting just as I am, scared as I am, and you should not try to bury those feelings for my sake and for his-"

"I- Damien I should- I should be able to fix this, it's my job to know how to fix- why can't I- why can't- Damien I hate not knowing what to do-"

"I know," he murmurs, holding her close and pressing a kiss to her hair. "I know, love. But that does not mean that you are useless, Rilla."

"I feel useless. I feel stupid, Damien, I'm so fucking desperate that I let myself believe that some fairy tale magic was going to work and all it did was make me feel like- like I was kissing the wrong monster and- and like I was betraying- betraying Arum, our Arum-"

"A kiss," Damien murmurs, and Rilla wants to scream for the note of sadness in his voice. He's smart enough- of course he knows exactly what that kiss would be meant to do, and clearly it didn't work. He squeezes her again, sighing into her hair. "I am so, so sorry, my love."

"Sorry for what, Damien? That I let myself fall for some magic potion bullshit when I should have been focusing on real solutions? That I can't shake the feeling that maybe I just wanted to kiss him one last time in case we never fix this-" her throat tightens, her breath shuddering as her tone wobbles out of her own control, "and what if that's why it didn't work? I didn't do it right, didn't say the right things, didn't- or- or if it's a true love thing, what if I'm just not- not-"

"Oh, Rilla-"

"Not enough, or- or maybe it would only work if we were both monsters, or-"

"Speculation without data is unhelpful at best," Damien says dutifully, and Rilla gusts a breath against his shoulder, almost a laugh, surprised to hear her own words echoed back to her. "We simply do not know, and you are only hurting your own heart by saying and thinking such things. You hoped, and that hope did not bear out. You cannot judge yourself lacking for this. You cannot judge yourself useless or - Saints forbid - stupid. Nothing in the world could possibly be further from the truth. Certainly you know that, deep down."

Rilla sags in his arms, her nose pressing against the side of his neck, her cheeks wet enough that she knows she must be crying on him too. "I'm just- it's only been a day and I'm already- I don't know how to do this, Damien. I don't-"

"Is all this- noise really necessary?"

Rilla jolts, inhaling sharply, but hearing Arum still sounding so distant and uncomfortable makes the ache in her chest even worse , makes the uncontrolled hitching of her breath even harder to push down, and she buries her face against Damien's collarbone, trying to stifle as much of it as she can.

"We did not mean to wake you," Damien says quietly, and Rilla shakes in his arms, clenching her jaw tight and squeezing her eyes closed to try to control the tears.

"I was not sleeping," Arum grumbles, unmoving in the threshold of his summoned portal , his claws curling awkwardly against the vines. "Cannot seem to…" he shakes his head. "You are not- injured, correct?"

"No," Damien says, stroking Rilla's hair as she presses against him and tries to breathe more normally. "No, Lord Arum. It has simply been… emotionally taxing, for the both of us."

"I… suppose… I suppose that is to be… expected," he mutters, looking away, and then his eyes flick back towards them again, the uncertainty on his face so clear that he may as well be screaming it. "I… are you…" he pauses, then looks away again with his claws flexing awkwardly. "Are you having difficulty finding sleep, then?"

Rilla clenches her teeth tighter, hisses between them at the stupidity of the question because of course-

"Unfortunately, yes, Lord Arum," Damien says, far more gently, one of his hands still drawing through her hair, and she presses her forehead against his shoulder harder. "And you as well?"

"I-" Arum snaps his teeth together, sighs, and looks down at the ground. "Cannot seem to… it is too cold, tonight, I think," he mutters. He pauses in the doorway, one hand clutched on the frame, clearly tense, his tongue flicking anxiously before he continues. "We-" he pauses again, barely managing the entire word before he has to look away again. "You implied- S- Damien. You implied that we- we rest, together?"

"Most nights, when we can," Damien says, his tone very carefully neutral though Rilla can feel the way he deflates at the question, the slight edge of despair in his words. "Yes."

"So the pair of you would be… accustomed to my presence in your bed," he says slowly.

"Our presence in your bed, when we are here," Damien amends, but Rilla tenses further, pulling herself out of Damien's arms so she can sit upright, swiping a hand quickly over her face to diffuse the tears before she levels a glare at the monster in the doorway.

"You wanna interrogate this now?" she asks in a sour, biting voice. "We slept with our Arum. You don't even know who we are. You don’t love us and we all know it, so why don't you just let us wallow in peace? I'll try to cry a little quieter so we don't disturb your beauty sleep next time-"

"Rilla," Damien says, chastising and gentle, and Rilla shakes her head. Arum doesn't move, doesn't respond to her furious words except to duck his head very, very slightly. "We are all exhausted, all frustrated, all well beyond our depths. And..." he sits up to match her, lifting a hand to tilt her face towards him as she stubbornly closes her eyes again. "My love, I do not believe that your anger is truly directed at him."

Damien's hands on her face are soft, steady, comforting. They always are, he always knows when she needs- he always knows how to-

If she had to do all this alone, deal with all of this on her own- Rilla doesn't know if she could. She doesn't know if she'd be able to make the anger and the fear small enough that she could work through them, if she didn't have Damien here, if she didn't have someone here who knew her so well, who knew how to hold her. If she didn't have someone to have her back.

We have each other, she thinks, a little fury still biting at the edges. Arum? What does Arum have?

Arum has the Keep, at least-

But Arum and the Keep have always been entirely on the same page. Each knows what the other is thinking, always. Except now, the Keep is a full year of knowledge away from its familiar, and Arum is-

Arum, even with the three of them here with him, is probably feeling more alone than he ever has in his life.

Rilla inhales, exhales a sigh, and when she opens her eyes she lifts a hand to grip Damien's for a moment before she meets Arum's eyes again.

"I'm- I'm sorry," she says, and the monster blinks. "This isn't your fault, obviously. I know- I know it isn't-" she clenches her teeth for a moment, forcing herself to keep the damned tears in her eyes where they belong, and then she sighs. "I'm sorry."

Arum stares at her, unsure, and then he drops his gaze. "I was certainly cruel enough to the both of you in my own distress," he mutters. "If I called us even for such a mild bite, I would be overplaying your hand and underplaying my own. I-" he swallows, wincing, and Rilla knows- she knows the exact tone he's about to take when he- "I … apologize, as well. Both our angers were… misdirected, as Sir Damien implied. In the morning we shall aim our ire towards its proper recipient, I think."

Rilla bites back a laugh, if only because she's not really sure she'll be able to keep it from choking into sobs again.

"Yeah," she says, low and forced to evenness. "Yeah, that sounds like- like a plan."

Arum glances up at the both of them again, hesitant, and he stares for another long moment before his shoulders hunch and he half turns in the doorway. "I- I should… leave you be, then. I did not mean to distress you further."

She feels Damien's arms around her tremble, just for a moment, and then he says, "Of course. We- we shall see you in the morning, then, Lord Arum."

She knows what Damien wants, even if it'll sting. She wants the same exact thing. And Arum-

She'd rather have him here than send him off to sleep all alone, even if it hurts.

"Unless-" she cuts herself off, still feeling stupid, but Arum hesitates in the doorway, and she thinks she can just barely catch a hint of- of relief in his eyes, behind the familiar wariness.

"Unless?" he echoes quietly, his face guarded now, his claws scratching lightly along the edge of the portal.

The thing is, Rilla knows him too well to ask if he wants to stay. When they first met, when they first started together- he'd never admit anything like that, even if it were obvious that he wanted something. Especially if it was obvious that he wanted something, in fact. So-

"Would it be- would it be too weird if we asked you to stay?" she tries, and Damien inhales sharply in surprise. "You- you said you're too cold. You may not remember, but- but your body is used to- well, it's used to a bit more ambient nighttime heat than you remember right now, I think." She pauses, swallows. "Or- I mean, I'm sure the Keep could just- up the temperature in your bedroom or something, but-"

"I'll stay," he interrupts, too quick, and then he shakes his head. "It- I- it is far too strange, knowing you are sleeping under my roof without- without keeping an eye on you."

It's so obvious a lie that Rilla almost wants to laugh again. Instead she sniffles, lifting a hand to rub her eye, and then she tugs lightly at Damien's shoulder, laying the both of them back down. "Okay," she murmurs, because she can't think well enough right now to respond in any sort of clever way. She's exhausted. "Good. That's- that's good."

They way they're laying, Damien has his back to the monster as he slinks hesitantly to the side of their bed. Arum can't see the way that Damien presses his eyes more tightly closed, the way he bites his lip a little too hard. Rilla can see, though, in the brief moment before the portal at Arum's back closes, dropping them back into fuller darkness.

She slips her arms around Damien, tugging him closer. "Scoot, Damien. Make room," she murmurs, and he glances up with a grateful half-smile. He tucks himself closer against her side, resting his cheek on her shoulder and pressing a quick light kiss to her neck before he sighs, closing his eyes again as the blankets shift.

Arum grips the edge of the sheet for a long moment before he rattles out a frustrated noise and slips beneath the covers with a grumble, keeping his body considerable deliberate inches away from their own. "I-" he pauses, lowers his voice even further into nearly a growl. "I cannot say if I will be able to rest with someone else in-" he stops himself again, and then he sighs, and Rilla can feel him settling. She wonders if it's more the warmth or the exhaustion dragging him down, just now, because it certainly isn't them . "Well. It does not matter. It is not as if I was sleeping anyway," he mutters, and then she watches the dim reflection of the moonlight in Arum's predator eyeshine as he stares back at her in return.

She closes her eyes before the feeling in her chest gets too big to bury again, holding Damien in her arms and settling closer, grateful for her exhaustion if only because she's too tired to completely process how horrible it should feel to have Arum so close and so distant at the same time.

"Goodnight, my love," Damien whispers in her arms, and Rilla squeezes him tighter because she knows the waver he's hiding in the whisper, knows that he's not talking only to her.

"Goodnight," she replies in the lightest gust of a breath, and from his place beside them, still not touching them, Arum says nothing at all.

[->]