#“There's a pressure in my chest”

[evilbubu]

nobody cares but i just want to say thank you to twenty one pilots song; next semester for giving me the strength to drop out of University after it absolutely crushed me mentally, emotionally and physically. So, thank you. I'll try again, next semester.

[ryllen]

and some extra unused stuff while they are in affectionate mood

[beatxme]

Your hand holding my breast and your head on my chest...

You listen to every heartbeat while watching my breast bouncing in your hand...

You feel how my heart begins to beat stronger and my breathing accelerates...

With your free arm you surround my back and press my chest against your ear.

The stimulant and the pressure on my heart take effect and my heartbeat becomes faster and erratic...

Your hand presses on my left breast and your head in the center...

I can barely hold my breath... Tachy runs and slamming random heartbeats and then I feel like my heart is losing control..

Your head bouncing on my chest and my heart can't keep up and shakes against my ribs...

I can feel my heart squeezing I can hear the blood pumping through my veins so fast it hurts...

One last squeeze with both hands as you rise and place just your ear gently on my breast and listen attentively as my heart reacts

You release the pressure from your arms and my heartbeat is now a strong and painfull slap as it returns to normal...

I can feel every contraction of my heart muscle and you can hear it push the blood...

After a while it recovers its rhythm but it becomes too sensitive and a single touch agitates it...

You can continue playing with it for a while.

[depravedangelbaby]

some gif(t)s for y'all I made while listening to holo's playlist ♡♡

[blairamok]

root canal complete, it only took a full blown panic attack in the chair and the ems being call on me but we got there in the end after three doses of tranquilizer👍

[writinggremlin]

How's about a whumpee who desires pain?

A whumpee who wants to be stressed and panicked and hurt. Everything's been too good for too long, and maybe that frustrates them a little bit.

Why do they feel this way? They don't know. All they do know, is that that risky and/or hurtful scenario is looking quite tempting.

If nobody's going to make them worse, they'll do it themself.

[i-eat-mold]

me when the very messed up binding rash (whose origin solely i am to blame for through my very well informed yet neglectful actions) does not disappear within 0.2 nanoseconds of me letting it breathe because i simply Cannot Wait to redo the binding and thus continue on with this cycle of euphoria and pain:

[jimmyspades]

[signedjehanne]

dear white bandom tumblr, what the hell do you want us to say?

i’m tired. i’m really, really tired. 

look, what do you want us to say at this point? this was supposed to be a safe space, for the freaks and the outcasts, but we’ve long established that it is very much not safe. it’s crystal fucking clear.

and honestly, pretty much every white user on here is actively contributing to the hostility here. whether you like it or not, it’s not good to only reblog empty reassurances of anti-racism that do more service to yourself than to others. it’s not good to see poc on the dash trying to educate the white majority and doing everything possible to educate you, and either A) ignore it, B) like it, but don’t reblog it, because god forbid you sit with your discomfort for more than five seconds, or C) send racist anon hate to the original poster, or try to deflect their points. it’s not good to see something racist and let it slide. let me get this straight: none of these fans of color owe you anything. fans of color don’t owe you the time of day, fans of color don’t owe you education, and fans of color don’t owe you the dignity of a levelheaded reply in response to your racist comments. 

often times, we try to educate because we want this space to change. i mean, i didn’t have to write a five paragraph essay dissecting anti asian racism in mcr’s content. i did it because i was angry, and tired, and frustrated, and wanted the space to change. the same reason that every other ignored dissection and analysis that spent blood, sweat, tears, and emotional labor to make was created. a lot of the time you guys just don’t understand how much effort things like that take. and to be clear, this is not just the usual “oh my post didn’t go viral and i’m not a celebrity i’m so sad,” this is “i poured all of myself into trying to educate people that turned out to never care. i have been blatantly shown that the people around me aren’t interested in changing, no matter how much they claim to be.” 

and like, do you want me and countless other users to go in depth again? do you want us to jump from racist incident to racist incident? to hold your hand through explaining why making art of ray being arrested is bad, why gerard’s fetishization of asian people is bad, why making rising sun art and designs is bad, why reducing all of pete wentz’s work to being about mikey way is bad, why shaming people with non-european features for “not looking emo enough” is bad, why insulting and degrading pete and ray for their natural features is bad, why cropping ray out of tour videos is bad, why calling people slurs in their askboxes is bad? (and so much more that i didn’t add.) do you want us to go over the history of racism in alternative spaces as a whole? do you expect us to do all of those things for you on a whim, to make it palatable to you, as if we weren’t real people with real feelings behind the screen and as if we had infinite time and emotional energy? really? when there are many resources already out there, both online and offline? 

what all this tells me is you don’t see us as human. simple as that. you expect us to be able to take the abuse, to be able to silently let your racism pass, and if we ever speak up, you ignore the work we give to you and demand inhuman feats of patience and generosity, answering your every question and responding to your every debate and coddling you as you refuse to sit with the reality of the space you’ve helped to create. and that’s only if you claim to be on our side. 

it’s insane hearing you try to placate yourselves. trying to mindlessly agree without looking inward. i know this sounds harsh, but i know that most of you need to hear it. i just want this space to actually change, like i was begging for back in january and february. of course, i was foolish to believe that it ever would. and i’m foolish now, writing this as if people are ever going to pay attention. even if it does break a few hundred notes, it’s not like the message is going to stick around. sure, you’re “doing the work”, “listening and learning”, but how am i supposed to know that when your responses never change, and this scene stays the same as it ever was?

[luck-of-the-drawings]

THAT WOUND. THAT VILE WOUND. it throbs in time with your speeding heart, and the ache it carries through your veins is oppressive, its hot, it tangles around your jaw and through your spine and behind your eyes. there are needles, sprouting from the lacerations like the most heinous ivy, and it strangles your lungs, rips tears from your eyes, lures bile to your throat. it hurts. oh god it hurts. you cant think, you cant breathe, you cant swallow, you cant see. you cant see. you cant see. you cannot see but you know when your eyes are closed, because there are colors stained upon the backs of your eyelids. they form images of loved ones, of viscera, of bile and blood and blackened mud. its jarring, they make anxiety spike outwards, frantic ferro fluid, frightened from faces too scared, too pained, too dead, too piercing with eyes staring straight at you, straight at you. actually, you cant tell when your eyes are open.

SAUCE FREE VERSION UNDER THE CUT.

[fishoutoflovebeach]

every time i talk to someone about my legs not working correctly or that im having pain in my knees, ankles or hips, i feel gaslit to believe they’re fine and im just overreacting. that my ‘temporary pain’ is just another way to stuff my face with painkillers so id shut up and be an able-bodied, working class citizen. that im crazy to think im ill because im as healthy as a horse [hehe michael rutherford reference] or it’s just something to do with my ever changing stressful situations [which is a whole other can of worms oh. my gods] or its my diet [this has actually been said to me before.]

when i know it isnt. i dont know what’s wrong with me, and i cant afford to know due to the damn usamerican health system. and i dont know if it would be forward for me to buy a mobility aid just so i can go on a walk without feeling sick halfway through [because morning walks are part of my everyday routine. if i dont something will go wrong, for me.] i was gutted out of money just because i went to get new glasses, getting a wellness check PLUS asking if i have POTS or a hypermobile disorder [which ive done research on, im not self-diagnosing myself] would put me in so much debt. [and im not counting the gender affirming care, which again is another can of worms that i would probably discuss more than my stress and trauma] when explaining my leg pains, i also bring up the fact that ive ran several small motor vehicles [go-karts and golf carts] into trees and fence posts respectively. could that be a reason for my pain? sure. but take it as a grain of salt. whether inflicted or not, pain is pain.

i feel like i whined a bit here, but after whatever happened today, i just want to reflect a little bit. maybe put an opinion in or something, i don’t mind. hearing from other people helps :>

[prettyboybun]

Sometimes it's like. no I am not horny. Yes I know when I get home, I will inevitably be touching my tdick til I cum regardless. We exist

[celestiarambles]

hi this might take away from my usual content but it’s still criminal case related i promise xD

So there’s this Filipino series entitled Can’t Buy Me Love which is about a poor and aspiring entrepreneur named Bingo that gets entangled in a deadly plot against a rich woman with a messy family named Caroline, and there’s murder involved. The killer/mastermind is revealed today and it’s Caroline’s elder sister, Bettina. She was behind all of it because no matter what she does, she constantly feels ignored and unloved by their own father.

How is this criminal case related? Bettina just reminded me so much of Angela and her involvement in SOMBRA HAHA, I mean they feel weirdly similar in my head. they’re both misunderstood Asian women who have been through a lot and want to prove themselves worthy (Bettina to her father, Angela to SOMBRA), and it only made them traumatized to the point they resorted to murder. All they both wanted is love and a loving family. They were both strong not because they are strong, but because they had to be strong.

Unfortunately, some people are mad at Bettina because she’s a killer, but for me I just felt bad because she reminded me so much of Angela xD

Yes, murder is wrong, VERY wrong. But people are complex and nuanced. Some people may be unloved but still try to be better, while some don’t. It doesn’t excuse murder, but if it does resort to murder, it still doesn’t mean what they did defines them as a person. They were just a victim of their circumstances, Like Caroline, Bettina was also a victim of their messy family dynamic (which involved a LOT of cheating, adultery, and obsession with wealth, which as a child is a LOT to handle), and like the other SOMBRA recruits, Angela was a victim of SOMBRA’s child trafficking scheme.

So I hope the narrative of “Why did X do this, Y experienced the same shit but didn’t end up that way” ends because it invalidates what they felt that time. You can be mad of what they did, but don’t be mad at how they felt because you cannot change that.

[egglygreg]

Ok, so I had this dream last night right? And it was mostly nonsensical and weird and silly, but there was this moment...

[savage-rhi]

Having a B3 overdose be like

[eyluvu]

One fun fact about me is I constantly feel like I'm teetering on the edge of a panic attack