#'he would never hurt her' STOP :( | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

s0fter-sin · 2 months

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something happening on a mission, something personal that has soap spiralling; panic and rage making him reckless, thoughtless, and ghost has to draw the line

“you’re compromised johnny; you know what that means?”

“you’re not pulling me out,” soap immediately snarls. he turns on him and ghost barely recognises him; venomous fear turning his eyes to unyielding ice. "you're not sidelining me; i need to be in this-!"

but ghost has never been afraid of venom; spat or dripped straight from bared fangs.

he snakes out a hand grip the back of his neck, jerking him in a rough shake. "if you can't think, you can't be a soldier," he growls and he flinches like he's been struck.

his lips quiver as they twist in a sneer and he wrenches, trying to free himself of his hold.

ghost doesn't let him.

"it means you give your body to me because your head ain't fucking attached to it anymore."

soap stills, body trembling beneath his hand as he sucks in shaking breaths.

he tightens his grip, pulling him closer and digs his forehead hard into his. “it means you give yourself to me so i can have the weapon that you are and use you the way you're meant to be used."

the ice in soap's eyes fractures.

ghost’s voice drops to a whisper, spoken only to johnny, not this facade of vengeance and pain, and wills it to reach him through the glaciers.

“so i can keep you safe ‘til it’s done and i can bring you back.”

#in my head its bc graves abducts his sister and is using her as hostage to draw him out knowing ghost will always follow him #but the intensity and intimacy of saying ‘you cant trust your mind not to betray you so let me be in charge of your body until you can’#after what happened to tommy he could never deny johnny his right to save his sister #but its bc of what happened to tommy that he knows he cant let him do it alone with only his rage to guide him #hes more likely to get himself killed and ghost wont live through that #so he has to balance it #and the only way he knows how is to completely shut down soap’s mind until hes no more than instinct and muscle memory #if he cant think practically then dont let him think at all #reduce him to a place where he can only follow orders #and when its finally over and his sister is safe and graves is dead #only then will he drag johnny back up to the surface #he’ll do it even if it means dragging him kicking and screaming back to humanity #instead of letting him sink in the depths where nothing hurts. theres no fear down there. no pain. only order #and thats the risk ghost took sending johnny to that place but he only did it bc he would stop at nothing to bring him back #and help him through the after #the breakdown. the rush of panic and rage and relief and anguish johnnys been supressing on his order #it was his word that turned johnny into a ghost #and its his touch that brings him back to the man #coming out of my cage and ive been doing just fine.txt #we’re a team. ghost team #cod #soapghost #ghostsoap #ghost x soap #ghoap #simon ghost riley #ghost cod #john soap mactavish #soap cod

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definitelynotnia · 2 months

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im sorry i have to rant im so fucking pissed

my exams end on 19th and I have to get rid of some books and buy some books which are quite pricy online so I had planned on going to college street on 20th and selling my books and buying the new ones at a cheap price and i was frankly really excited about it because all I get is a one day break to relax bcz i have to start studying for entrances from 21st so all I have is 20th and i wanted to spend it at college street and then get some food and basically have like a solo date kind of thing.

and i was so so excited about it i told my boyfriend about it like 500 times bcz i kept forgetting i've already mentioned it and it was literally on my mind a lott so i kept bringing it up and ik it seems like not a big deal cz i can just sit at home and chill too but i literally do not get to go outside my house. like- the last time i went out was new years eve and after that the only time i've gone out is to school or to give my boards that is it. my mother has some weird like problem wiht me going out like even if i tell her that i just want to go to our terrace for 5 minutes just to get some fresh air she won't even allow that she'll be all suspicious and like sTaNd In ThE bAlCOnY aNd TaKe FrEsH aIr like she herself doesnt leave the house (and blames it on me and my brother ???? when have we ever stopped you bro, she said I HaVe To Be HeRe To KeEp An EyE like im 18 i dont need to be watched 24/7 stop blaming me for choices you put upon yourself) and i just feel so suffocated ALL THE TIME i feel so overstimulated and im so sick of rotting on my bed and i dont want to wait for some birthday party or friends meet up to be able to leave my goddamn house i just wanted to go and have a fun day and get me some books thats it.

anyway so initially the plan was that my mom would go along but something came up so she wanted to postpone it to 21st and i didn't want to bcz i'd already be missing 3 days bcz of my boyfriends birthday, holi and my brothers birthday (all of which are important and i dont want to miss which makes me the villain apparently bcz i should "adjust" and cancel my "parties" instead of trying to stick to my plan bcz that makes me too demanding and selfish apparently) so i suggested that ukw why dont u go do ur thing which came up and i'll go to college street by myself...which is when the solo date idea came which i had really wanted all along but didnt bring up bcz i knew she'd say no but now there's a valid reason for me to go alone so like, its a pretty easy fix i can just go alone but noooo. First of all,

I've been to college street multiple times before so its not like its an unknown area to me

im going by metro which is quite safe

im going when there is stark daylight and i will return home much much before it gets dark and im literally 18

she never lets me go anywhere alone, not even take ubers alone if i want to get back from somewhere my bf has to come drop me everytime and then go backwards to his house which is so so so stupid and i never get to go out alone unless accompanied by family or by a male friend, so obv when i said i'll go to college street alone she refused to let that happen and started screaming about how 'if its so important to go on 20th bcz u dont want to miss a day of studying then cancel ur 'parties' and study then' and i was like no its not about missing a day its just that there's a very easy and logical fix to this problem which is i go alone and its not inconveniencing anyone so why cant i just do that but she will not listen to that bcz im 'adamant' and 'everything has to be according to me' bcz i found a viable solution to the problem. so instead of letting me just go she was literally ready to pay much more money and buy the books online, like.....why cant i just go bro??? (and she keeps telling me im a waste of her money bcz i will amount to nothing in life and my education was a failed investment or wtv so like now why are u wasting more money??? im literally trying to save the money that u 'waste' on me so just let me ???)

anyway i called my dad last night and told him and he was super ok with the idea he said its a good idea that i go alone and that he would speak to her but then today when i asked her if dad spoke to her she said yes, we'll go on 20th and i was like .....we? so apparently she CANCELLED her previously immovable thing for which she wanted me to cancel my 'parties', she cancelled that and agreed to go with me on 20th just so that i dont get to go alone- like ???????????????? what is ur problemmmm

so obv i was super annoyed and i went on a whole ass rant about how i literally struggle to even cross roads bcz i dont know shit about basic travelling bcz all my life ive been in a car and its a running joke with all my guy friends that i 'cannot navigate' and 'dont know any places' and obv??? if im never allowed to go anywhere then how tf will i know the places- the only places i know is bcz recently i've been paying a lot of attention and asking my dad stuff about what roads to take to reach certain places and when i go out with my friends i kind of try and learn a bit but thats it i've only ever gone alone completely alone to two places which is my beauty parlour thats 5 minutes away from my house and one bazaar one time that was 2 bus stops away, thats it. thats my extent of public travelling alone. and now im supposed to go to a whole new STATE for college and i cant even call myself an auto without struggling. and like- is this not a basic life skill??? like ok yeah its not rocket science and i will probably figure it out even if i start later in life but why not now? most of my guy friends literally go everywhere alone, why not me? and my dad agreed with all of this but my mom was just like "you'll be in the hostel only, no need to go out of the campus" like ARE YOU FOR REAL????????? and she's like "if u want to learn skills learn how to cook" like ok yes i will also learn how to cook for sure but i wont have a fucking kitchen in the hostel but somehow cooking is an urgent skill i should learn but going places by myself is unimportant bcz i should just never? leave? the? hostel?

anyway after much screaming and shouting my dad gave up and just cut the call bcz he doesnt want to get into an argument with my mother and my mother was being all suspicious like why do u hAvE tO gO aLoNe AlL oF a SuDdEn even though i literally explained why i want to do this alone but she doesnt think thats valid. so she refuses to let me go and i asked her for one reason why i shouldnt cz usuallt its always "no u have exam what if smthn happens" but now i literally dont even have exam so whats ur excuse now? streets will always be unsafe forever so "what if smthn happens" is not a reason to never let me go out without a man so just gimme one reason and she couldnt give me a single reason she just said "i said no, thats it".

and now she's gone off about how im useless and blah blah and "high maintainance" bcz i want books and "everyone else (some pishi's son) just studies online" and so the whole option of college street is apparently now cancelled and she's trying to set up a whole ass kindle account (half the books i need arent even available as ebooks) just because i wanted to go by myself.

#in our house kids dont stay outside past 6:30pm'' but now all of a sudden its fine for my brother to play #till 10:30 at night #she literally stopped me permanently from going down in the evenings since i was in class 7-8 #this is why ive never had any friends outside of school bcz she wouldnt let me leave ths fucking house #and now that my brother is in class 7 #he's allowed to be out playing with his friends till 10 freaking 30 #he comes home an hour late sometimes...45 minutes and almost always at least 30 minutes late at NIGHT and she says nothing except like #one sentence #yeah im only the villain i only keep u locke #up in the house its all my fault #this is just so damn unfair #like literally insulting #im not a child what is her problem #what sort of fucking solution is 'never leave the hostel' like ok even if i do that what happens then??? after i graduate?#i'll be a 24 year old who doesnt know shit about going from one place to another without a man present]#and then this woman preaches how she 'always raises her son and daughter equally' like srsly shut the fuck up #my whole life i've been told abar late?''#and for me bcz i would come home 5-10 minutes late nd i did it maybe once or twice she made me completely stop going down to play #5-10 minutes late from 6:30 wherein he comes an hour late from 9 fucking 30 #and this sounds so stupid bcz im an 18 year old now and i dont give a fuck abt how long i got to play but its just unfair dude #with me it was always smthn or the other either exams or she gets miraculously sick every time i want to go out to play #im not even kidding she did a whole “i have fever and ur going to leave me like this and go play?” on me one time bcz i was adamant abt goi #after months of not being able to go bcz of exam or smthn or the other #she did not have any fever it was fucking bullshit #and how am i supposed to help with ur imaginary fever anyway im literally 12 #its so fucking annoying man and then if i say anything at all she'll go on a tirade about how #like YOU DO THOUGH??????? im sorry ur feelings are hurt bcz i said you do smthn that u LITERALLY DO #istg not even 2 days ago she was having a fight with my dad abt how he should teach my brother to learn how to cycle so that he can go buy #groceries #i can cycle

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tillman · 2 months

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Learned today everything I thought I was reading way too into the assassins guild is all literally real and fully canon and fully intentional and so much more fucked than I ever thought has me still reeling. Im still so insane over this.

#GOOD NIGHT OF KNIVES TRANSLATION SAVE ME.#txt #I literally can not emphasize what learning how Horrifically Sad and Lonely zato one is did to my understanding of the guild as a while #he feels abandoned and hurt by slayer leaving.#his need for power and need to control every aspect of millia and venoms lives is directly tied to that.#he hates millia not for getting him locked away. but for Abandoning him. he was Left.#he cant sleep despite sleeping pills and other shit without holding onto her.#eddie cant die without being in her arms.#oh my fucking god.#millia willingly accepting some of his abuse because at least during sex she can forget.#millia lashing out at zato in a moment of weakness asking if shes happy because shes Not #because happiness to her is freedom. and he knows he is the reason she doesnt have that.#him just Accepting her Dream is to never see his dream ever come to fruition.#also like #venoms jealousy of millias abuse makes complete sense w this.#and of course millia would laud it over him. hes an ass.#god I literally havent stopped thinking about this since I read the wip. I cant. its so.#I cant fucking believe Assassins Guild is a narrative about how cycles of abuse and violence are perpetrated.#and how freedom from the cycle of your father and his father before him is Happiness.#THATS REAL. THATS NOT MADE UP. ITS REAL. god. holy fuck.

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8rujaa · 1 month

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my therapist really saved me….

#tw abuse // tw sa #i can’t sleep bc i keep thinking about this.#like i probably would’ve not been here if it weren’t for her #i started seeing her january of 2023… my life has changed entirely since then and she was definitely the one who got the ball rolling #literally so much has changed since then and it’s all because of her #i was so dissociated during our first few sessions #thanks to her i was able to get diagnosed and medicated for adhd. i was able to realize i was in an abusive situation and plan a way out #i was able to focus on myself and my healing and she’s helped me reframe so much of my negative thinking #i was able to process a lot of emotions and become a better version of myself with each session #she’s truly incredible.#i remember the first comment she made about the relationship had been ‘’so it’s like there’s an imbalance of control in the relationship’’#i had put my partners on such a high pedestal that i had no idea they could be doing anything wrong #and i asked her what she meant and she said ‘from what you’ve been describing it’s sounds like a strict parents and child type of dynamic’#she told me they didn’t need to understand why i wanted to leave and they didn’t need to make that decision. if that’s what was going to be #best for me the only thing i could do is let them know my reasoning and simply leave. i didn’t need their permission.’’#i remember being so confused at that realization bc like… i had been putting their emotions over mine the whole time i had forgotten simply #doing what’s best for me was an option… l #ever since then i’ve been putting myself first and it’s been a steady uphill from rock bottom… i’ve made an incredible amount of progress #when i first started with her getting out of bed and walking to the kitchen was incredibly difficult and took all my strength.#yesterday i conquered a mountain!!!!!!! i hiked all the way to the top!!!!! :D #me a year ago thought it was going to take me years and years to recover. as soon as i left i made leaps of progress #im incredibly proud of myself and grateful for her. and my reiki lady she’s also been a great great help.#the silver lining is i realized who really matters. and the relationships i cared about deepened.#my sweet virgo friend was the one who was always like ‘THATS A GROWN ASS MAN WHO CANT UNDERSTAND BASIC CONSENT???’#LMFAO i would be like ‘but he has trauma and bla bla bla’ she looked me dead in the eyes and said #’jess you said with your last boyfriend that you would never make excuses for a man who was hurting you again. stop defending him.’#she’s really a gem and i treasure her with my life. i hope she knows i love her. she’s family at this point #she’s also literally saved my life before (like deadass called 911 for help)#im glad i had the support system i had. that was a rough situation with so many layers and im glad i got through it #my 22nd year of life was by far the worst of my life and i don’t ever want to put myself in that situation again. im glad i learned.

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jiangwanyinscatmom · 11 months

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hi

I'll start this by saying you can ignore this ask if it's too annoying bc valid

but I just saw some absolutely bullshit takes when I was scrolling through mdzs posts

some people claimed that:

- jin guangyao and wei wuxian are the same and both killed for revenge so if wwx isn't evil then jgy can't be either (I- excuse me??)

- jgy did so much good for people and wwx just........ saved some wens (lmaoo???)

- jgy killed nmj out of self defense (ok so why did he keep coming back and acting nice playing/poisoning him for probably weeks if not months then????????)

- (this one is just crazy) wang lingjiao was just some poor commoner woman who couldn't fight back so wwx is awful for what he did to her

....

I'm sorry am I the crazy one here because these takes sound straight up INSANE to me like did the people who wrote it read the same novel I did??

"wwx stans are so hypocritical how can they say my baby's evil while they stan this cruel murderer who doesn't let his corpses reincarnate :((((" bitch????

I'm fairly new to the fandom and I can be wrong so can you tell me if I'm missing something (I doubt that i do tbh) but you seem very sensible and I just needed to get it off my chest

I'm not even saying people can't enjoy characters that are evil/morally gray bc some of my faves from other works are just that... but if you have to pretend these characters are some saints who didn't deserve what they got and drag down the main character just because you're salty then I don't think you like your "fave" all that much tbh

I hope you don't mind me ranting in your askbox, if you read my message then thank you for your time! Have a nice day! (I hope I didn't ruin it too much haha)

Hello anon! No I don't mind at all for this, rant away if you need to as I make my inbox open for it.

As to the idea that Wei Wuxian are similar, in terms of their status they had been born to, yes. But that's about as much of their similarity as they get. Just as how Jiang Cheng and Lan Wangji are literary mirrors due to similarities in circumstance, but not mind or ideals. Yes, Wei Wuxian did kill in revenge, but he never denies this. He fully admits to this unlike Jin Guangyao, who continues to say he had no choice but to kill those that wronged him. The difference there is that, Wei Wuxian had been tortured, his guardians killed cruelly, his own sect almost was decimated by the ones he killed. Where as with Jin Guangyao, he killed many that endangered his political position or, verbally insulted him in some way. Between the two one's actions of revenge was foremost for the ones that had been wronged. For Jin Guangyao it was concerning his own ego.

Jin Guangyao never did anything for the common people. We are told several times in story that Lan Wangji, and the Lans are the outliers for this sort of thing. The watchtowers are nothing more than a repainting of the Wen's Advisory Offices and keep in mind, it was still under the approval of Jin Guangshan that they even were created. From a Jin Guangyao who wanted to please his father foremost. He also burned down a brothel of prostitute women, where in that, shows he cares for commoners of his own background?

A scum of a person, can be human and sympathetic, but it does not change that they themselves are in the end selfish, cruel and manipulative. That's what makes them terrifying, they use that sympathy to cause more hurt. Wei Wuxian never holds others hate of what he had done as unfair, just that he would not take rebuttal for what he never did and stands by what he did. Jin Guangyao never takes any sort of responsibility towards the ones he drags into his schemes and continues to say he needed to with no sympathy for the ones who had been innocent, saying that he should be the one pitied and forgiven.

You can like and enjoy an evil, just don't paint it as a saint when that is what the very work is against and criticizing. We are told that Wei Wuxian is meant as an ideal of morality, who this is still argued about and he is labeled "morally grey" and "just as wrong as the others" is just wrong from a literary and plot point of the book.

#mdzs #mo dao zu shi #wei wuixan #is our moral ideal and compass #no matter how bad you feel for yhe antagonists #they are still shown to be awful despite the circumstances #they had an excuse once but once they hurt innocents that's irrelevant #and Jin Guangyao would never be different as he would always be resentful since his mother still raised him #and even her memory didn't stop him from being a scum man #jin guangyao stans block me (｡･ω･｡)#i hate jin guangyao

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menlove · 8 months

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I saw someone say moffat's era doesn't know how to write Love bc they were comparing river & 11 to rose & 10 and like sure maybe the doctor's romances weren't written like two people in actual real life devoted love but amy and rory? clara and danny? bill and heather?

#like amy and rory were insane. sure at first amy was struggling but it was less abt the doctor #and more abt struggling to let go of her childhood and let herself be loved #and then clara and danny make me cry like a baby the scene where she's just holding him as a cyberman?#and he slowly wraps his arm around her even though his emotions are supposed to be gone?#'he would never hurt her' STOP :(#and heather and bill were so sweet and not as established as the other two but it's the softness of new love ugh #like yeah river and 11 were ridiculously show stopping kind of action fantasy romance #but all the companions had very real soft Loves that gets into the nitty gritty of what Love feels like

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girlmadeofclockwork · 6 months

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I think the potential hilarity of Durge/Karlach is not capitalized on enough, cause imagine being Gortash, the subordinate you sold to the devil ten years ago is back foiling your methodically laid out plans and out to kill you in vengeance for what you did, and then just to add insult to injury she stole your murder-girlfriend as well. L’s up on L’s for this man.

#bg3 #it’s in my brain because I’m doing my Durge run and romancing Karlach as well so #I sure look forward to Karlach being hit with the information that her GF fucked her former shitty boss #(will be news to Sirris as well but ah)#there are certain things that is very nice because I’m playing a repentant Durge so Karlach being so unrepentantly good is influencing her #and having godly entities controlling the course of the their lives and taking away their bodily autonomy #forging them into weapons who can never be close to anyone ever #(Karlach by literally not being able to touch anyone and Sirris (my Durge) being pushed to kill anyone she’s ever had fond feelings for)#it’s something they got in common and while no recalling her life some part of Sirris heard oh I can’t be with people from Karlach #and whent “man I don’t know why but same hat #I have many feelings about them #and then old Gortash is in the sauce as being a guy they both at one point we’re close to and trusted but also he’s the representation of #like a dark time in their lives and I think killing him wont be as satisfying to them as either of em hope #killing him wont make it so Karlach won’t die and it won’t undo all the hurt Sirris has brought on the world #also in the bad end when Karlach dies I think Sirris would legit just off herself rather then live on and potentially becoming #as much of a monster as she used to be and she believes she won’t be able to be as good without Karlach at her side #anyway I will stop rambling now

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ourhouseishaunted · 1 year

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70% of my trigun thoughts are abt how plants (independent and dependant) work and what they symbolize and their relationships with other characters and the world and stuff and the implications of independent plants coming with the earth forces and what it says about how earth has progressed since SEEDS left the planet, 20% of my thoughts are "hope those guys (meryl milly vash livio ww knives) are having fun" and 10% is rotating trimax Rem Saverem around in my head at all times

#i think abt rem a lot for a character that is like important but also isnt materially present in the story much #like idk her relationship with grief and regret and the idea of her looking at the shambles of her life and having to say #'well at least i can start over since theres nothing left for me' multiple times (after alex dies and she joins seeds #and after failing to keep tesla alive and getting a 'second chance' with vash and knives) idk its just so fascinating to me #and her idea of a blank ticket to the future and what it means in terms of how vash shapes his worldview in trimax #where it seems to be about how. death stops all future potential of a person. if they die they can never get better they dont learn #they cant change and experience consequence #like smth i find fascinating in trimax is that vash doesnt kill people but he will let somebody that person has hurt punch them in the face #and he thanks ww for killing to save the colony that one time. hes not opposed to killing/consequence entirely #i think it comes down a lot to how rem behaved in the aftermath of him finding out about tesla. how the potential for things to get better #would have died with him or rem and it would have just stayed horrible #idk idk im Rambling im turing things around in my brain #also man my main complaint with the manga is i wish it focused on the dependant plants more. they clearly experienced a big emotional #struggle esp in the final volumes and i wish we got to see more of it #but also i just like the wacky small town hijinks esp in the 98 anime i love when the main cast is just goofin around. i think they should #get to goof more #trigun #.txt #Dont Look At This Post Man its EMBARRASSING nobody should let me talk abt anything #the secret special bonus tjoughts are about chronica bc she fascinates me but i cant draw her good the way i can draw meryl and rem :(

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juniperhillpatient · 1 year

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#natalie x travis #yellowjackets watch tag #I can’t stop thinking about them. he promised her he wouldn’t hurt himself & she believes him even against all odds #she knows he would never break that promise not to her not after everything they’ve been through #whoever killed Travis. I’ll kill them for putting Natalie through this 😭

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kittlyns · 11 days

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I had yet another long, strenuous day yesterday and didn't finish work until super late and then I couldn't fall asleep until well past 2am cuz I was in so much pain from standing literally all day

#what made it worse was the client I spent most of my day with was a brand new client. and she booked super last minute #so I wasnt mentally prepared for doing a 5 hour color. and her natural hair was already pretty light so I had to foil foil foil. go back.#pull out first couple foils. foil foil foil. go back. pull out the next few.#over and over and over.#and her hair was so fucking long. and so fucking thick.#and after the first hour she wouldn't talk. like I like my silence so I don't fight it much #but every now and then I would try to engage with her. I'd say something and she would straight up ignore me. no acknowledgment.#which makes me feel anxious cuz it's like jesus... does she hate me?? did I piss her off somehow?#even when I finished her hair (it looked fucking amazing no lie. one of my best highlights yet.) she had next to no reaction to it #she was like 'it looks fine. I mean good. it's good.' completely deadpan #I laughed it off and was like yeah it's been a long day girl! but it looks amazinggg on you!!#no response. deep inhale. alright.#whatever tho.#when I did finally get off work I stopped @ bojangles cuz I was lightheaded and hadn't eaten since morning #and when I tell you I almost broke down into tears cuz there were so many people crowding the goddamn pickup area.#and so many bizarre conversations going on. genuinely felt like I was in some form of hell #like my feet hurt. my back hurts. I'm tired. I didn't get the validation I like to have over a 5 hour transformative color.#I'm hungry and there are two elderly women blocking the pickup counter. one is hard of hearing so she keeps yelling HUH???#and the other only speaks in soft baby whispers. that goes as well as you can imagine.#there's a man behind me grilling an employee abt whether or not he goes to church. he starts witnessing to him #and the employee says 'I've never thought about it like that before' no less than 4 times.#there's a child in front of me playing tiktoks @ full volume. and this is all happening simultaneously.#I really considered just leaving without my food but I knew I needed to eat and didnt have anything at home so I stuck it out #was it worth it? no. bojangles honestly sucks these days but what's a girl gonna do.#got home and tried to pass out but nope. tossed and turned all night.#put on hot n cold patches to try to soothe the pain a little. didn't work cuz one pain would be eased a bit and another pain would take over #blahhhhhh #and now. I get to do it all over again! yippeeeeeee!!!!!!!!

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8rujaa · 7 months

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to anyone dealing with ptsd, has there been anything that has helped relieve some of the symptoms?

#im emotionally stuck due to the constant reliving of what happened #i get these weirdly intense flashbacks where i can remember the how the fabric of the couch looked like up close #and how they felt. and how everything looked. the way the colored lights hit the room a certain way #i think i did myself a disservice by thinking i was soooo in love that i didn’t want to forget any details lmao #now i can remember everything like a photograph and sometimes i find myself back in my old apartment and the fear floods my chest #and i can’t breathe and my stomach starts turning it’s terrible. i really felt like i was in hell #i stopped smoking ouid 3 weeks ago bc whenever these flashbacks would happen the high would make them HD and it would send me into a loop #but now i think weed was the thing keeping me above water… it’s been a rough 3 weeks. but before i start smoking again #i wanted to ask if anyone found something else that made it a little easier #it’s been months since our break up and i really want to move on. i’ve tried to meet other people but i’m terrified of men #and i find myself unable to connect with anyone…#i’ve been physically better which i am so grateful for because being unhealthy was my biggest reason i was so depressed #i’ve been doing therapy but i talk about the same thing with her every week. i’m tired of it #i think i’m still in disbelief that they did that to me. i never thought they’d be capable of hurting someone so badly.#i can’t get over the fact that he r***** me for months while i was disabled and pretended not to know what he was doing was bad #i realized he knew when he tried to make it look like i was crazy. that made me really sad. i think i was hoping he was clueless so #i could still believe he was a good person… or at least the man i fell in love with. i was willing to forgive him once he apologized…#when he tried to make it seem like i was going insane the blindfold came off and i saw him for who he really was #like no wonder i was so scared of u dude… no wonder i kept having panic attacks anytime we were together and i couldn’t sleep next to u #i’ve been afraid to admit that shit broke me as a person. i don’t think i’ll ever be the same. i can’t function.#plus knowing i stayed for her bc i was worried for her and didn’t want her to experience the same thing without someone there bc i realized #how good he was at gaslighting and lying. only to find out she was waiting for an excuse to get rid of me… she wanted me gone…#i went thru all that for nothing…#and i still don’t understand why each time i tried to leave for my own good- to get medical help and support they begged me to stay!!! why #brain vomit

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skunkg1rll · 1 month

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im in love w him not only bc of who he is as a person nd how drawn i am to his personality, but also bc i feel like he's the only one who has ever wanted to see me. who i am, like deep down. he's the only one who i feel like i've ever connected with, in an easy nd genuine way. the only one who i feel has ever gotten me. he's the only one who's ever made me feel like we actually have a connection we're both in on, bc i havent had to pretend or put up a fake front for him bc he wanted the real image of me.