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afterhoursfic · 4 years

Note

Hey! Its been a while. Lost the password for my first account- Guess I'll start off with a prompt! Jaskier and Geralt have just left Posada, but every time Jaskier runs off with someone he comes back with a strong scent of desperation, not to mention he covers himself even when he's getting into the bath before Geralt, and Geralt can't figure out why. That is, until he walks in on Jaskier changing. (1/2)

(2/2) Jaskier's cock is small. And Jaskier is humiliated, and Geralt is... Turned on?? He honestly thinks it's cute, Jaskier's size, how embarrassed he is by it. So, Jaskier is pent up of course. When the witcher asks, he can't exactly say no to fucking. He just wasn't expecting Geralt to be practically worshipping Jaskier, thanking him and praising him for letting him touch him and telling him how cute his cock is. Tbh just a praise fic ive been meaning to prompt someone with for a while-

I’m sorry this took forever and if it’s not exactly like you asked but I really tried tog give off the whole Geralt loves Jaskier’s little cock vibe so hopefully you enjoy it!

They’d only been together for two weeks and Geralt had already lost count of how many times Jaskier went off to an alcove or alley with someone. He would be jealous if it wasn’t for the fact that almost every time he came back desperate, edged with just a bit of hurt, and reeking of quickly dissipating arousal, which doesn’t help Geralt’s own need.

At first, he thinks it’s some sort of game? Kink? Whatever it is, and just something Jaskier does, which is to torture himself and Geralt too by proxy, until he gives himself the best orgasms ever apparently, because there are very few occasions where Jaskier comes back, loose with a carefree smile and just oozing satisfaction as if he hadn’t felt it in a decade.

Those are the times Geralt is jealous and he’s half tempted to ask Jaskier how he does it until said bard walks, well storms into their room, the familiar stench of hurt, arousal, and longing soon clouding up the room.

He asks Jaskier if he’s alright of course because he’s not an asshole all the time, but like all the times before Jaskier shrugs him off and tells him he’s fine as he makes a beeline for his bags and the waterskin which contains half a bottle of wine.

They sit there for a few long minutes, Jaskier steadily drinking as Geralt turns his attention to the noises of the town filtering from outside just to distract himself when suddenly Jaskier moves, putting down the waterskin and stretching before he starts undressing.

“D’you mind?” Geralt doesn’t have to ask, he just turns to the bath in the corner of the room, the water stone cold, at least until Geralt flashes igni at it, and he watches as Jaskier sinks into the hot water with a groan and his back turned to him as usual.

It’s not odd per se to want a bit of privacy, but they travel together so it’s inevitable that at some point they’ll get to see everything, hell it was probably the second day they knew each other when Jaskier watched him strip naked to bathe in the river and he earned more than a few compliments. Jaskier was private and that was fair enough, but he’d always shriek and cover himself as if scandalized if Geralt even so much as glanced his way whilst he changed or tried to take a peek.

It was odd though that Jaskier would turn his back to him to get in the bath, only to then turn to face him, if he were embarrassed about his body then why show it off now? All he had to do was sit up in bed and he could catch a glimpse if he wanted, but to each their own. Clearly, Jaskier had no intention to talk about whatever was bothering him for the hundredth time already and so instead he settled back into his bed and left it be for now.

He left it for about a day before they were pulling into another village and saw Jaskier charm and flirt his way around the tavern, reeking of arousal, and he pointedly looked away when the woman dragged Jaskier into a backroom already heavily making out and using his hands to work on the ties of her dress whilst her free hand was palming at his cock.

Resigning himself to a night alone Geralt ordered another drink and reached a hand down to shift his cock a little from where it was pressing hard and insistent against the laces of his trousers. It was going to be a long night, especially with the smell of Jaskier’s arousal lingering in the back of his throat.

At least that was until the woman all but charged out of the backroom, her hair loose and dress falling off of her shoulder as Jaskier raced out a second later trying to do up his laces as he tried to catch up with her. Once she’d barged through the front door, Jaskier gave up the chase, staring forlornly at the closed door as if hoping for something else to happen, and after a long moment when it didn’t, he turned and went upstairs to their room, and Geralt briefly noted that burnt, frustrated smell Jaskier seemed to carry more and more these days and he thought he finally knew why.

Seemed to him that Jaskier didn’t have all the prowess he liked to boast about given that this seemed to be a common occurrence. It’s not like Jaskier was a bad lover, he’d heard the bard get a woman off several times on just his tongue, a lot, so much so he felt like he was lacking in the bedroom sometimes, and yet his latest conquest had stormed off and left them both unsatisfied.

He was just drunk enough that he was willing to go for answers, hell if he was desperate enough he’s sure he could talk Jaskier into a mutual hand job, anything to beat the monotony of jerking himself off quietly under the covers every other night.

So, he downed his drink in one, stood up on legs far too steady for what he was about to do, but he was just desperate enough to do it anyway.

For once being a witcher was actually helpful, it meant he could go up the stairs without being heard, so when he barged through their bedroom door, he was met with the sight of Jaskier stood over the bed, whining as he jerked his fist frantically.

Geralt felt his mouth dry at the sight, but he only had another second to savor it before Jaskier was jumping back, hand leaving his cock to try and grab the blankets and cover himself. It was too late though, Geralt couldn’t help the way his eyes shifted to see Jaskier’s cock hard and red, and no bigger than his middle finger, and yet Geralt couldn’t hold back the curse that fumbled out of his mouth as his cock twitched at the sight.

“Fuck Jaskier, this why you can’t get laid?”

“I can get laid just fine, witcher” He watched as Jaskier fumbled his hands in front of him to try and cover up, not that it mattered at this point, he could see the flush on his face, the sweat beading at his temples and smell the mix of arousal and embarrassment all in one. Despite all of this Jaskier was still hard though, shuffling on his feet as if that would help him somehow and Geralt’s mouth watered at imagining the taste of it on his tongue.

Despite the way he tried to hold himself he could hear Jaskier’s jackrabbiting heartbeat, but he didn’t bother mentioning all the times Jaskier had come back to their rooms stinking of arousal, frustration, and embarrassment and being all around unsatisfied because it wouldn’t help him here. Instead, he took a step closer, licking at his lips to taste the arousal in the air as he pointedly looked at Jaskier’s cock, safely hidden behind his hand now and he’s sure he looked desperate as he looked back up into Jaskier’s eyes.

“Can I jerk you off?” His voice is small as if he’s unsure with himself, and he supposes he is, it’s not like he’s ever propositioned Jaskier before and he doesn’t know how he’d take the rejection, if they could even go to being friends afterward.

“Is this some kind of joke, because it’s not very funny”

“Of course not, but you’ve got such a pretty little cock Jaskier, let me get you off, please” They stood staring at each other for a moment before Geralt took a step closer and when Jaskier didn’t shy away he took another step and then another until they were stood directly in front of each other “Say no and I’ll stop, but please let me touch you Jaskier, let me look after you”

He let out his breath when Jaskier nodded his head once, collapsing to his knees immediately and watched Jaskier stumble back a step clearly caught unawares, but then he’s looking up, watching Jaskier’s face as he pulls the bard’s hand away to replace it with his own, pressing his thumb against his slit to coat it with pre so he could slick his hand over his cock.

It was only when Jaskier leaned forward to rest a hand on his shoulder, eyes fluttering closed and a low moan leaving his mouth that Geralt looked away, licked his lips again as he watched his whole fist cover Jaskier’s dick, and started to use just his index finger and thumb to jerk him off so that he could see the slick head of his cock past his fingers and drip pre all over the floor.

He leaned forward to lick off a drop threatening to fall, his tongue just brushing the tip of his cock and caused Jaskier to shudder violently and groan, a testament to how long he’d gone without another’s touch, and he barely restrained himself from putting his mouth over his cock then and there.

“Can I suck you Jaskier? Please let me get my mouth on you, need to taste you, see if you can reach the back of my throat-“

“Yes, fuck yes just do it” He almost didn’t recognize Jaskier’s voice, but he didn’t dwell on it, just pulled his fingers away so he could swallow his cock in one, groaning as he felt the tip just brush the back of his throat, and the salty taste of pre on his tongue before Jaskier’s cock jerked once and with a shudder he came.

Geralt easily swallowed it and kept licking at his slit until Jaskier’s nails started to dig into his shoulder, then he pulled away just enough so he could suck the head of his cock a little bit longer, a spare hand going to roll Jaskier’s balls in his hand, squeezing them just a little to coax a weak spray of come in his mouth before Jaskier grabbed his hair and pulled him off. They both ignored the fact that he whined, although he’s sure Jaskier won’t remember it in his pleasure addled brain.

“Fuck me?” He watched Jaskier blink once, then twice as he tried to think over an answer, all whilst Geralt wrapped his fingers around his cock again, ever so slowly moving them whilst he pressed kisses against the tip, down to his balls, and then back up to his hips. It served its purpose of getting Jaskier hard again, he’s sure the bard’s been neglected enough that he’ll be shooting off like a teenager all night. “You want to get your cute, little cock in me? Bet I don’t need much prep, you could just slide in now if you wanted, do you want to? Want to finally have a hole to fuck?”

“Fuck- Geralt I swear if this is-“

“No, no, just need your cock in me, want to come just on your pretty cock, please Jaskier”

“Fucking hells yes, get on the fucking bed before I come again, want to be in you when I do” Geralt didn’t waste a second, using his reflexes to good use as he stripped off his clothes to lay on the bed, and frankly it showed how desperate Jaskier was to get his cock in something because he didn’t even complain about not getting to undress him. There were plenty more nights for that but right now he needed Jaskier’s cock in him and he needed it now.

Although Jaskier probably could just slip his cock into his hole with just a bit of oil, that didn’t stop Jaskier from making quick work of teasing him open on one finger, just one so that he could just about feel the stretch of Jaskier’s cock when he pushes in. Maybe in the morning he’ll wake up early and stretch himself on his own fingers before sitting on Jaskier’s cock to see if he could feel it, and the thought had him moaning and stretching his legs open wider to get Jaskier closer to him, to tell him to get on with it.

Then Geralt was shoved on all fours, his chest pressed into the mattress and he held his breath as he waited to feel when Jaskier would push in. He couldn’t help himself when he looked over his shoulder just as Jaskier was slicking up his cock and lining up with his hole “It’s alright if you’re little cock slips out, I know you can’t help it”

“Shit” That was all he said before Jaskier started pushing in, Geralt could feel it stretching him open a little and he groaned as it pushed deeper until it nestled just below his prostate like the continent's best tease. Jaskier didn’t even have the patience to build up a rhythm, just began fucking with abandon, and thankfully his cock hadn’t slipped out, yet, but Geralt knew he was close, could feel his cock twitch inside him, and hear the groans building in his chest as Jaskier rode him closer to orgasm.

Geralt just clenched around his cock as hard as he could, heard the catch in Jaskier’s breath and the stuttered gasp as he bent over his back and came, still quickly fucking into him until his orgasm ebbed and it was nothing more than the slow drag of Jaskier's cock in his hole, brushing against his prostate on every thrust that had him tense and his own cock leaking onto the sheets beneath him.

“Come on Jaskier, I know you’ve got more than that, finally got someone you can fuck with that pretty little cock of yours, don’t you want to use it?” He was answered as Jaskier just groaned a low yes, feeling him snap his hips against him and hearing the slick squelch of the come in his hole as he set a quick pace, his cock twitching to get hard with every thrust, and Geralt couldn’t help but groan as he rolled his hips back to meet him “That’s it Jaskier, just like that-“

He was cut short by his own groan and Jaskier’s curse when on the next thrust Jaskier pulled out too far, cursing as he fumbled with his cock, smearing it across his ass down to his balls until finally, he managed to get enough control to push it back into his hole, Jaskier’s fingers gripping his hips hard as he started fucking him again.

He was right, Jaskier was eager and pent up enough that he shot off like a teenager for hours, fucking him as a man possessed, and Geralt was lost in it, Jaskier’s cock brushing his prostate with every thrust and left him groaning as Jaskier milked his cock dry. The sheets below him soaked in sweat and come and left him clenching his jaw to stop his snarls escaping, all whilst Jaskier moaned above him, pressing messy kisses along the line of his spine, his neck, until they both were drained physically and metaphorically and collapsed onto the bed in a sweaty heap.

The smell of their come and sweat strong but not as strong as the waves of satisfaction rolling off of Jaskier, of the fatigue and arousal deep in his skin, and he knows in a few hours they’ll be doing all of this again, but at least now he won’t have to scent the burnt edge of frustration to him anymore. All he had to do was get on his knees and give Jaskier his pick of holes and if he were lucky maybe one day, he could get Jaskier on his back so he could milk his cute little cock for hours, or maybe edge him if he wanted to get him as desperate as he was tonight. Either way, he let sleep take him, bone tired as he was if he was going to have the energy to ride Jaskier’s cock in the morning.

#afterhours cw humiliation #afterhours cw scent kink #afterhours cw overstimulation #afterhours fic week #afterhours cw somnophilia #somno just cause it was mentioned as an idea

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bella-spil · 4 years

Text

The Game

You and the rest of the Avengers play Cards Against Humanity.

Female reader.

Warnings: TONS of adult topics, TONS of cursing, a little bit of fluff (Don't read if you don't like adult topics)

Word count: 6.2k (sry that this is a longer one!)

A/N: sorry this took so long. I had it saved as a draft, but then my account logged out and I had to retype the whole thing. I hope you like it!!!!

@wednesday-add-em @angrythingstarlight if you wanna be tagged lmk.

"What game would that be, Parker?" Nat asked, suspicious.

"You'll find out if you chose to play," Peter declared.

As everyone else in the room started to wonder what "game" Peter was referring to, you Bucky and Sam were grinning at each other, knowing exactly what's gonna happen. You start daydreaming all the possibilities that might happen, from funny scenarios in the cards to people arguing about who won. They all seem great, but you knew it would be better once everyone would start playing.

"Actually," Wanda announced, getting up from her seat. "I'm pretty tired from the mission and the jet lag. I'm gonna call it a night."

"I am quite exhausted as well," Vision said, pushing his seat in. "I need a rest as well. Goodnight everyone."

"Congrats Y/N and Bucky!" Wanda shouted before she left the room, with Visions hand in hers.

"Wait, how can the android be tired?" Clint asked. Then everyone in the room knew what the two avengers were going to be doing tonight.

"WE KNOW YOU TWO ARE GOING TO FUCK TONIGHT!!!" Tony screamed at them. Wanda heard Tony and flipped him off, still walking to her room with Vision. Everyone at the table was laughing from Tonys antics, but you knew everyone might lose their voices by the end of tonight.

"So," Peter interrupted the laughing. "Is anyone else going to leave to fuck?"

All the avengers look at one another, seeing if anyone else would dare to get up from the table. Nobody made a move, except for Steve who just squirmed in his seat, knowing he wasnt going to leave for fucking. He wasn't the best in moments where there was something inappropriate involved, but he had a feeling that's what tonight would be full of. So he decided to man up and stand his ground.

"I dont think Im gonna fuck anybody tonight, unless Nat says so," Sam acknowledged. Nat rolled her eyes at him and kicked him underneath the table. Sam shifted in his seat, tears building up like a bomb about to explode. Nat smiled to herself, not letting anyone get suspicious of her in any way.

"Lets go kid," Tony said.

"Alright then," Peter smiled. "Everyone, follow me."

Everyone followed Peter and got up from the table. As they were following Peter, some of the avengers were whispering to one another. They had no clue about what was happening, which made everything more exciting. As they made their way to the living room, the game was already set up by Peter. The cards were arranged neatly onto the coffee table into piles with little tags on top of them so everyone knew what they were for. You patted Peter on the back to show how thankful you were for him.

He smiled back at you and whispered, "You owe me for this."

Then you glared at him and lit your hand on fire and shoved it in Peter's face.

"No, I don't think I do," you replied, smugly. Peter gulped and inches away from you, not wanting to have his ass kicked before the game even started. As you and Peter were bickering, the others behind you, except for Bucky, realized what the game was. You could hear sighs of realization behind you and internally grinned. You knew keeping them guessing would pay off in the long run.

"Oh, so we are playing this game?" Tony chuckled.

"Now I know why you and Parker were acting weird." Nat said, smiling at you.

"Told you you'd find out." you said.

"Ok are we playing in teams or going rogue?" Clint asked.

"In teams," Peter answered. "Me and y/n already came up with teams of two and team names."

"Oh god," Clint and Nat sigh while Tony is rolling his eyes. Sam snickers, thinking team names are for little kids but Steve is looking at the cards, not knowing what they are.

"Wait, guys. What is this game?" Steve questioned. Everyone rolls their eyes at him and sighs. Steve was very outdated, and even though he has been in modern times for about a decade now, he still had a ton of catching up to do.

"What?" Steve groaned. "Ive been frozen for 70 years. Give me a break!"

"Steve, you're not the only one that's a bit outdated. You have had a few more years to catch up then I have and I still know what this is." Bucky protested, earning a snicker from everyone else on the team while Steve rolled his eyes and lightly punched Bucky in the arm.

"Mr. Rogers," F.R.I.D.A.Y. chimed in. "Do you know the game Apples to Apples?"

"Yeah why?" Steve asked the A.I.

"Well, Cards Against Humanity is basically that game. The only difference is that Cards Against Humanity is for a more mature audience."

"That's a good way of putting it," Tony mocked.

"Ok thank you F.R.I.D.A.Y.," Steve said. "I'm all good now."

"C'mon guys what are the teams?" Clint asked, getting impatient.

"I hope I'm with Nat." Sam whispered, glancing at Nat once again. Sam winked at her, but she punched him in the arm. Nat liked using physical violence, but only went necessary, or if someone was annoying her, like Sam. Everyone chuckled, but then they drew their attention back to Peter, who was waiting to announce the teams.

"Ok, first is me and Mr. Stark." Peter announced. "We are the Student and Master."

"Kid, if we lose, I will take your suit away for a week." Tony declared as he high fived Peter. Peter gulped and took a seat with Tony around the table. Everyone else was standing up, waiting to hear their name be called.

"Then, we have Steve and Nat, the Spys." you said. Steve and Nat smiled at each other and sat down in front of Tony and Peter. Sam, however, was not impressed and his mouth was to the floor.

"Are you kidding me? Sam shrieked. "You put Star Spangled Banner with Nat?"

"The teams were already made," you shrugged. "If you wanted to be with her so badly, you should have made a request."

"I hate you," Sam retorted. "I hope i'm not with the Wiener Soldier over there."

"Shut it Pigeon," Bucky snapped. You rolled your eyes at the two of them, who were still throwing looks at each other like they were elementary school kids that got into an argument.

"Then me and Bucky are together," you said, taking a seat with the Winter Soldier on the right of Steve and Nat. Everyone made kissy noises and ooed at the two of you as you sat down.

"Wait you forgot the team name!" Clint remembered. You sighed before saying the embarrassing name.

"I didn't come up with the names, Peter did," you said, singling Peter out. "We are the Lovebirds." After you said the team name, everyone continued their antics of making kissing noises and everything else.

"Guess we are together, Clint," Sam realized, since Clint and himself were the last two people standing up. They took their seats on the left of Steve and Nat, making themselves directly across from you and Bucky. It seemed as if they did it on purpose, but you didn't care about that. You were waiting for their reaction to their team name.

"Y/N, what's their team name?" Nat asked. You and Bucky looked at each other, giggling like 5 year olds.

"Peter, would you like to do the honors?" you asked.

Peter sighed, knowing this would end up good, but continued anyway. "The Birdbrains." Everyone started howling in laughter. Sam and Clint looked at each other, then back at Peter, ready to pounce on him like lions.

"I'M GONNA KILL YOU, YOU LITTLE PIECE OF SHIT!!!!" Sam shouted, running after Peter with Clint following suit. Due to his Spidey Sense, Peter was able to dodge the two of them and ran out of the room, followed by an angry Sam and Clint. Steve and Tony ran after them, trying to get the Birdbrains to come to their senses. You and Nat rolled your eyes at each other while Bucky was sitting there chucking.

"Ugh, men," Nat sighed.

You giggled as the five men took their seats. Sam was still annoyed, smoke coming out of his ears. Clint seemed ok, he looked like he enjoyed running after Peter. Peter was laughing, not trying to be rude, but he was trying to control himself.

"Im gonna kill you," Sam said.

"Sure Birdbrain," Peter smirks.

As everyone gets the laughter out of their systems before the game starts, each team picks seven white cards from the pile. Each team read their cards, giggling at some of them and having to hold in a cackle for others.

"Ok who is going to be the judges first?" Steve asked.

"I mean Y/N and Bucky," Nat responded as if it was obvious. "It's only fair that they go first."

"Ok then," you said, grabbing the first black card of the night. You grabbed the card and read it, and then you started laughing and showed it to Bucky. He laughed as well and the both of you were able to regain your senses to read the card.

"Bucky you wanna read it?" you ask, still smiling.

"Sure," Bucky replied. He cleared his throat before going on to read the card. "Fun tip! When your man asks you to go down on him, try surprising him with ______."

Everyone started to laugh again. But then, everyone's mode shifted from having fun to competition mode. Everyone in the Avengers hated losing anything and tonight was no exception. Each team was in deep discussion with their partners, deciding which card was the best to win the round. After a couple of minutes, each team put their cards in the middle for you and Bucky to read.

"Ok," Bucky cleared his throat again. "Fun tip! When your man asks you to go down on him, try surprising him with..." He stopped to read the first white card. "Drowning kids in the bathtub! Holy shit!" Everyone started laughing, including you. That card was very dark, and very funny.

"When your man asks you to go down on him, try surprising him with… an erection that lasts longer than 4 hours." Everyone lightly chuckled at this one, it wasn't as funny as the first card.

"Lastly, when your man asks you to go down on him, try surprising him with… explaining how viaginas work. Ok this one works for Steve 100%!" Everyone laughed and agreed with Bucky. Steve was smiling, not laughing. He was trying to not show how true that was but it wasn't working out that well for him.

Then you and Bucky turned to one another and discussed who won this round. You whispered for about less than a minute, since there was an obvious winner. Then you and Bucky turned around to the three teams and announced your decision.

"Drowning kids in the bathtub wins!" you declare. Then Peter and Tony cheer and high five each other.

"We did it!" Peter cheered.

"Got ya, suckers!" Tony bragged.

"Wait, how many black cards do you need to win?" Clint asked. You looked at Peter, who shrugged. It was a very good question, and you needed a minute to think about it.

"How about the first team with 10 black cards wins?" you ask. Everyone nodded and the game resumed.

"Ok, Peter, Tony, you judge." Bucky said.

Tony reached up to grab the card. As he read it, he kept snickering. When he finished, he showed Peter the card as he leaned into Peter's shoulder for support. Peter was chuckling as well and leaned on Tony's head. As far as you knew, Tony was very tough with Peter, but now, seeing them all cuddled up together laughing, it proved y9ou very wrong. It took you by surprise, but you loved how cute they were together. Tony was the father figure in Peter's life that he needed, and he was that figure for you as well.

"You wanna read it, Peter?" Tony asked.

"Sure," Peter said. "When I was tripping on acid, ______ turned into ________." Everyone chuckled at how ridiculous the card sounded and started to choose their cards for the round.

"Wait, how will you guys know which card goes first?" Steve asked.

"Put the first card on the top and the second one on the bottom." Peter replied. Steve gave him a thumbs up and continued talking with Nat.

As everyone was choosing their cards, you and Bucky were doing the exact same thing. But in the middle of it, Bucky called you "doll." Normally there's nothing wrong with this, it was something he called you since the two of you met. But Sam was in the room. And he heard it. After Bucky said it, Sam started cackling like a witch. He was rolled over on the floor, clutching to his stomach and tears covering his face. Everyone else looked up and wondered what in the world was so funny, since none of them heard Bucky's nickname for you. You didn't know why he was laughing, but Bucky knew the exact reason. He wasn't going to say anything to draw attention to himself or you. Instead he just gave a death stare at Sam, and nobody noticed.

"Partner, you good down there?" Clint asked, confused. Sam was still laughing as he got up from the floor.

"Yeah," Sam coughed. After he caught his breath, he saw Bucky glaring at him. He waved at Bucky, like he had no clue what he did. When your head was looking at the cards, he flipped Sam off and Sam stuck his tongue out and put his finger by his throat, signaling that Bucky would get it later. Bucky rolled his eyes and returned his attention back to you and the game.

After a couple minutes, three cards were placed in the middle, ready to be read by the Student and Master.

"Everyone hush!!! Tony scolded, and everyone in the room immediately shut up. "Thank you. Kid, you may read the first card."

"Thanks Mr. Stark," Peter said. "When I was tripping on acid, Danny DeVito turned into pixelated bukkake! Oh my god! What the FUCK?" Everyone was clutching on the remaining air that was left in their lungs. All of the teams were laughing to the point where faces were turning purple.

"What does that mean?" Steve quietly asked, not wanting a lecture about how pure he was. But everyone heard since the laughter was dying down, but it resumed once more after what Steve said. It took another couple of minutes for everyone to control themselves again.

"I'll explain later, Steve." Sam reassured. Steve rolled his eyes and let Tony and Peter continue.

"Ok, when I was tripping on acid, blowing my boyfriend so hard he shits turned into incest." Peter continued. He laughed at the end and everyone joined him.

"My turn, shut up!!" Tony barked. "Ahem. When I was tripping on acid, my sex life turned into..." Tony never finished reading the card. His eyes were glued to the last white card. It was like he did not comprehend what was on the card.

"Am I- am I reading this right?" he asked Peter. Peter took a look at the card and he snorted.

"Yeah.. yeah." Peter snickered. "You are reading that right, Mr. Stark."

"Ok I just wanted to make sure i'm not getting too old." Tony said. "When I was tripping on acid, my sex life turned into braiding three penises into a twizzler. Alright, who the fuck thinks this is ok?"

Everyone was cackling and laughing again. Tony was ranting on about how obscene the card was and how that would never work in real life, which was making it harder to stop laughing. Once Tony was finished complaining and asking F.R.I.D.A.Y. if the card was able to actually happen, the laugher subsided and Tony and Peter started deliberating. They took longer than you and Bucky, which made it seem as if it was a close round. Finally, Peter stood up and revealed the winning card.

"Before I announce the winning card, I have a question for Mr. Rogers." Peter announced.

"Sure, Peter. Whats up?" Steve asked.

"Did you understand what the last card meant?" Peter asked. Everyone chuckled lightly. Not that it wasn't funny. Everyone knew if they laughed too hard, they would have a hard time breathing.

Steve rolled his eyes and sighed dramatically before answering the question. "Yes. I understood that reference."

Bucky stood up and started applauding for Steve. He was joined by you, Nat, Tony and the Birdbrains. Steve stood up and took a bow, thanking everyone and waving like a celebrity.

"Thank god you did," Nat sighed in relief.

"Finally, you get something!" Bucky rejoiced.

"This was a close one but the sex life one wins for sure!" Peter said.

Clint and Sam got up again and started to cheer, high fiving and chest bumping. They even did some weird thing that was supposed to be a bird call, since they were the Birdbrains. To you, it sounded like a cat dying in an alleyway from food poisoning. Once they finished their bird call, the Birdbrains sat down and bragged about their first win of the night.

"Yeah yeah! Deal wit dat!" Sam yelled.

"Losers!" Clint cheered, making an "L" with his hand and putting it on his forehead.

"We will see who has the last laugh," Nat grunted.

"Birdbrains!" you chimed in.

"Shut it Lovebirds!" Sam shouted back at the two of you. He went to pick up the next black card. Bucky looked around the room, not knowing why he was blamed and not Nat. Nat smirked at Bucky and Bucky just rolled his eyes. You giggled while Bucky stuck the middle finger back at Sam, for the like the 100th time tonight.

Sam and Clint read the card and started to laugh again, but it wasn't a big one, just a chuckle.

"Hehe. Shut it Clint. I gotta read the card!" Sam scolded. Clint stopped laughing, but his face looked like it was about to explode any minute now as Sam started to read the card.

"White people like _____" Sam read. Everyone giggled and went back to their groups to decide which card would be the best. In a few minutes, each team was ready and placed their cards in the middle.

"We got this one Steve." Nat said.

"Yeah, Nat. Lets go!" Steve cheered as he high fived his partner.

"No, Spys," Tony sighed. "We do because we are the best. No questions needed to be asked. Right kid?"

"Yes sir!" Peter joined in. The two of them fist bumped and made faces at the Spys and Lovebirds.

"Oh be quiet," Bucky sighed. "Let the stupid Birdbrains read the fucking cards." You smiled as Bucky held his arm around you a little tighter than before. You knew Bucky wasn't the most patient person, and it seemed like the Birdbrains were taking as long as possible just to annoy your boyfriend. You knew you would win in the end though. And if you didn't, the Winter Soldier would kick their asses to their graves.

"Thank you. Ahem," Sam cleared his throat. "White people like jerking off into a pool of children's tears. Holy fuck." Everyone laughed at the card, just like all the others before it.

"That's my kind of humor. Continue Sam." Clint chuckled. You knew Clint had a very different sense of humor than most of the people at the Compound. You had become friends with him by understanding his jokes that nobody else understood. Even Peter was able to understand some of Clint humor, which was a shocker to everyone. Clint enjoyed having someone that understood him, even if it was for jokes about drowning kids.

"Next, white people like.." Sam never finished reading the card. He shoved the card in Clints face and walked out of the room to get a breath of fresh air. Clint looked at everyone to see if they knew why he walked out, but you and everyone else were just as lost. Then Clint looked at the card and had an "aha" moment.

"White people like a falcon with a cap on its head." Clint finished. Everyone knew the card wasn't funny. But since Sam's superhero name was "Falcon," it seemed so funny. Bucky was trying very hard not to laugh and so were Steve, Nat and Clint. Peter was about to laugh, but Tony was able to cover Peter's mouth in time. Tony raised his free hand to his mouth, making a "shush" motion. You were sitting there, smirking to yourself since you knew it wasn't the right time to laugh.

Then Sam came back into the room after a couple of minutes. He was clearly upset of something so stupid, which made it even harder not to laugh. Sam was staring at you and Bucky, thinking it was the two of you since Bucky and him were friends, but not really. Sam was eyeing everyone in the room like a hawk, trying to see if anyone had changed their facial expression or something else.

"Sam, you wanna read the last card?" Clint asked.

"No," Sam stated, bluntly. "You read it."

"White people like three dicks at the same time." Clint finished with a light chuckle, and all the other teams followed suit.

"Ok, drowning kids in the bathtub wins." Clint decided, without having to deliberate.

"Agreed." Sam said.

Bucky picked you up in the air and spun you around. He hugged you so tight, you had to tap him so you could breath. As you and Bucky bask in your victory, Sam is still looking at the Student and Master and the Spies. He was being a detective, looking for little details that might lead him to the culprits that put that card down.

"Who put the fucking card down?" Sam asked. All of the sudden, Tony and Peter start laughing out of control. Sam knew those two were the criminals in his crime. He took a deep breath, trying his best not to go over and take Peter down to the ground.

"Im gonna kill you." Sam growled.

"Save it Birdbrain," Nat told off. "First team to ten. Then you can kill them."

"You bet yo ass I will," Sam grunted.

~~~

The rest of the night carried on in a flash. The night was filled with laughter, smiles and cheers as each team won a round. When you started playing, it was around 8:30 pm. But now, it was 11:50 pm. Everyone was definitely tired, as everyone started to yawn and get bags underneath their eyes.

You and Bucky were doing very well together. You guys won a ton of rounds and always celebrated with Bucky hugging you and spinning you around the room. But you weren't tired. The adrenaline from the game was serving as a source of energy, and it was the same source for all the other teams too.

Peter and Tony were doing very well too. They won a couple rounds as well and they always high fived when they won. But whenever they lost, Tony threatened Peter, saying he would take away his suit and suspend him from being an Avenger. And as the night progressed, you and everyone kept forgetting the score for your teams. So Tony asked F.R.I.D.A.Y. to keep track of the score for the rest of the night. And she did, very well.

Sam and Clint were very competitive and sometimes it served in their favor. They won a few like you and Bucky and Peter and Tony. Clint was yawning by 9:50, he wasn't used to staying up late, but he was having fun nonetheless. Sam, however, was full of energy, matching your level. He grabbed tons and tons of candy, ice cream and other junk food as the night progressed, serving as a food and energy source for all of the teams. Sam ate so much in fact that he got a sugar high at about 10:00 pm, but it wore off a few minutes later.

Steve and Nat were doing good,but not as well and you and Bucky. They won a few rounds, sure, but not as many as they would like. Nat was pretty calm, but when Sam was "high" he was trying to be smooth and get Nat to go out with him. She hit him repeatedly, and she smiled with gusto as she did, which made you laugh. Steve to your surprise, was getting a little worked up. He sighed in annoyance whenever they lost a round, and roared in happiness whenever they won.

~~~

"Ok, what's the score F.R.I.D.A.Y.?" Nat asked.

"The score for the Lovebirds is nine," F.R.I.D.A.Y. recited. "The Spies have seven. The Student and Master have nine as well. And finally, the Birdbrains have nine. Is that all Mrs. Romanoff?"

"Your good, thanks F.R.I.D.A.Y." Nat thanked.

"Ok since you guys have nine each, me and Nat will judge this last round." Steve said. "This is it, the last one. Winner takes all!"

As Steve finished his speech, Nat rolled her eyes and muttered something under her breath as she went to grab the final black card.. You knew Bucky had superb hearing, so you leaned to ask him what she said.

"Buck, what did she say?" you asked, quietly.

"She was just saying something about how Steve has a speech for every little thing." Bucky whispered. You giggled under your breath.

As Nat read the card, she showed it to Steve, who started to giggle like a five year old.

"Steve, this isn't that funny," Nat groaned.

"Just read the card," Steve sighed as he regained control of his breathing.

"Ugh." Nat sighed. "Kids, I don't need drugs to get high. I'm high on _____." Everyone chuckled at the card and turned to their partners for the last time.

"Kid, this is it," Tony said.

"Yep," Peter said.

"We gotta go big or go home." Tony said. Then, Tony and Peter looked through the cards and finally, they had their eyes set on their winning card.

"This, my student, is gold," Tony remarked. "No, no. Scratch that. It's the diamond in the rough."

"Do you know the movie Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory?" Peter asked.

"Yeah why?"

"Well, this card is like our golden ticket to victory Mr. Stark." Peter said.

"I don't want another pop culture reference out of you for the rest of the night. You understand?" Tony scolded. Peter gulped as Tony placed their card in the middle of the table.

"Clint?" Sam asked.

"Sam?" Clint asked.

"This is it." Sam said.

"This is it." Clint said. "We gotta give 'em the money."

"Give em the money!"

"We gotta win."

"We have to show those little shits who the fucking bosses are." Sam declared.

"Yes sir," Clint agreed. As the Birdbrains were chanting, boosting their confidence, they interrupted Bucky's train of thought, and yours as well. To you, they sounded like the football teams in the locker room. When the coach is giving the team a pep talk during the halftime show in the Superbowl, boosting the teams confidence. You were giggling to yourself as you heard them, and Bucky caught on. As you looked back at him, you saw a glimmer in his heavenly, blue eyes, filled with mischief. He had his signature smirk, his one for trouble on as well.

"Doll, watch this," he whispered. He looked over at Sam and Clint, and you waited to see what he would do next.

"YEAH BIRDBRAINS! PREACH!!!" he shouted, clapping his hands and cheering them on, mocking them.

Sam and Clint immediately stop and glare at Bucky, who is smirking at them and batting his eyelashes at them, while you are cuddled up into his shoulder laughing at the Winter Soldiers antics.

"SHUT IT LOVEBIRDS!!!" Sam and Clint clap back.

"Ok, before we were so RUDELY interrupted," Sam grunted.

"Very RUDELY," Clint agreed.

"Do you agree that this one is the winner?" Sam asked. Clint looked at the card that Sam was referring to and nodded his head. Then Sam took the card and placed it in the middle. You and Bucky were the team that everyone was waiting for.

"Ok doll," Bucky said. "Don't worry. We got this in the bag."

"Yeah we got this." you agreed, smiling at your boyfriend.

Bucky looked at the other teams and pointed at them while they were waiting for you guys. "They don't know who they are dealing with. They are messing with the fucking Lovebirds and they have made a BIG fucking mistake."

"Yeah we got this. Also.." you said slyly, biting your lip at Bucky, putting your hand in his hair and leaning into his ear so only he could hear. "If we do win.. We can have some fun later, if you know what I mean."

When you pulled away, looking back at the cards, you looked at Bucky through the corner of your eyes. His eyes bulged open and he looked at you, smirking and biting his bottom lip.

"Oh doll," he groaned, his voice deeper and as smooth as chocolate.

"This card looks good right?" you asked, your tone completely changed from full of lust to innocence. Bucky kept staring at you and smiled at you. He always had a hard time believing he was dating you, but tonight, he realized he wanted you till the day he died.

"Yeah, you do." he blushed. You giggled at him and gave him a peck on the cheek before you put your card into the middle.

"Ok everyone ready?" Steve asked, grabbing the cards from the table. Everyone nodded, nerves were bouncing off the walls for all the teams.

"First card." Steve announced. "Kids, I don't need drugs to get high. I'm high on..." He looked at the card and snickered, making sure his eyes weren't play tricks on him. "I'm high on anal beads." The room was roaring with laughter as Steve blushed after reading the card. It took everyone about 10 minutes to calm down and let the Spies read the next card.

"That's method." Tony sighed.

"That's fucked up," Nat coughed.

"That's kinky as fuck!" Sam exclaimed.

"Next: Kids, I dont need drugs to get high," Nat read. "I'm high on selling crack to children." Nat's voice cracked with shock as she finished reading the card in horror. Everyone cracked up even more.

"That's sick!" Clint said.

"Twisted!" Peter agreed.

"Ok whoever put that card down has the balls and I fucking live for it." you smiled, still laughing.

"What the hell?" Bucky sighed, putting his head in his metal hand, trying to process what Nat read.

"Then, last but not least, Nat will you do the honors?" Steve asked.

"It would be my honor," Nat grinned. Before she started reading, she cleared her throat, overexagrating a little bit, which caused everyone to chuckle. "Kids, I don't need drugs to get high. I'm high on… what the fuck?" Nat looked at the card she had to read and started cackling like a witch.

"Nat, you ok over there?" you asked.

"Yeah Im fine." Nat chuckled. "I'm high on a good sniff." Everyone in the room was soon cackling like Nat. And you sounded like witches. You wondered how Wanda and Vision were "sleeping" with all the noise you guys were making. After everyone calmed down, Steve wasn't out of breath like everyone else.

"Nat, that means what I think it means right?" Steve asked quietly.

"What do you think it means Steve?" Nat sighed. Steve leaned into her ear and whispered what he thought it was. You asked Bucky if he could hear what he said, but your boyfriend shook his head. After Steve finished telling Nat, she nodded her head and rolled her eyes at her stupid partner.

"Yes Steve." Nat groaned. "That's what 'a good sniff' means, you idiot."

"Thought you would have gotten that, pal," Bucky mocked.

"I did, I just wanted to make sure what I thought was correct." Steve stated.

"Steve, how do you not understand anything?" Bucky asked.

"Bucky, I thought you always fucked the girls on the first date in the forties. Did you yet?" Steve asked, trying to come back at Bucky. But it didn't really make sense because you were still a virgin. Tony rolled his eyes in the corner and you sighed.

"Did you fuck a girl yet?" Bucky snapped.

"Steve, do we have a winner?" Nat interrupted, stopping the old men from bickering any longer.

"No, I have no clue," Steve answered. "This was a close round. Do you want to decide somewhere else, so they don't hear? This might take a while."

"Yeah, lets go to the bathroom," Nat said. "Take the cards with you." Steve followed Nat, but Sam wasn't going to let Nat leave so quickly.

"Dont fuck him Nat!!!" Sam pleaded, shouting as loud as he could. "He will lose his powers!" Steve turned his back to face Sam, who was smiling back at him. Steve rolled his eyes and followed Nat, and as he walked down the hall, he flipped Sam off. Nat did as well.

You, Peter and Tony were laughing your asses off, laughing at Steve and Nat as they were in the bathroom. Clint was on his phone, texting his wife.

Meanwhile, Sam and Bucky were making fun of Steve. You heard them saying how much trouble Steve would be having if he was actually fucking Nat. They were saying how Nat would be the dominant one and Steve would be like a ragdoll. You were listening to Sam and Bucky more then Tony and Peter, since what Bucky and Sam were talking about interested you way more.

After about 10 minutes or so, Steve and Nat came out of the bathroom. You, Sam and Bucky were eyeing them very closely, seeing if their hair was messed up, if their clothes were wrinkled, if they had hickeys, but there were no signs of physical contact. Sam, however, wasn't letting up.

"I hope you didn't give him a quickie," Sam mocked.

"Fuck off, Birdbrain," Nat scoffed. "Steve, do you want to announce the winning team?"

"Sure," Steve nodded. "Drumroll, please."

Everyone patted their legs, making a drumroll noise. But Tony just waved his hand for everyone to stop.

"Guys stop, just stop." Tony commanded. "We have an A.I. for a reason. F.R.I.D.A.Y., drumroll." F.R.I.D.A.Y. followed her orders and played a drumroll.

"The winning card is….." Steve announced. "A GOOD SNIFF!!!" You and Bucky erupted from your seats like a volcano. Your hair started to glow and you floated in the air for a second. Everyone saw you and thought you looked like a living candle. Bucky hugged you and spun you around the room in his arms. Bucky kissed you and you kissed him back. Not a makeout, but just a long kiss, filled with passion and love.

Sam and Clint got pissed that they didn't win, but they clapped for you, very slowly. Peter clapped for you and cheered, but Tony just sighed and made gagging noises when he saw you kissing. Nat was smiling at the two of you, and so was Steve. They looked like proud parents, smiling in approval of how happy you and Bucky were.

"YES!! We won!!" Bucky shouted.

"Told ya we would!" You cheered. "Take that, Birdbrains!"

"Yeah, yeah good job. I'm going to bed." Tony groaned and headed up to the elevator, which led him to his room which was on the top floor. You sighed and said goodnight anyways.

"I should call it a night," Clint said.

"Me too. See ya tomorrow, lovebirds!" Nat said. You and Bucky waved goodbye as the two of them headed to their rooms.

"Congratulations guys. See ya tomorrow!" Steve said.

"They was cheatin." Sam bickered.

"Cmon birdbrain, lets go," Steve sighed. Sam was bickering with Steve all the way to their rooms, and as they got further away, you could still hear them, which made you laugh. The only people left in the room were you Bucky and Peter.

"I'm so happy that it worked," Peter said. "Congrats by the way!"

"Thanks Peter! I had so much fun!" you smiled.

"Yeah, it was great," Bucky agreed. "I owe ya big time, Spiderling."

"Oh, thanks grandpa." Peter grinned. "You have no idea what you owe me." Then you guys cleaned up the remaining cards and headed back to your rooms. Peter said goodnight to the two of you and you and the Winter Soldier headed to his room.

"When we get back to my room," Bucky said as you were walking. "We earn our reward."

#avengers #marvel #fanfic #fandom #peter parker #natasha romanoff #sam wilson #bucky x reader #bucky fanfic #bucky fucking barnes #bucky barnes #tony stank #tony stark #steve rogers #clint barton #friday #cards against humanity

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aximili · 3 years

Text

drafted this from @dominocity ages ago and forgot abt it until i was procrastinating just now :0

check in tag game ✅

1. why did you choose your url?

went by axx for a very long time (incredibly this actually had nothing to do with aximili-esgarrouth-isthill even tho i did grow up loving animorphs. i had an OC who used the online handle axolotl.... something... i cant remember.... and i thought it sounded cool so i started using it. wow i had actually forgotten this info until just now! lore!) anyway someone on tumlr reminded me how much i loved animorphs and i wanted a new url at the time. someone just had it saved and wasnt using it so i was like fuck it, why not ask. politely messaged the blog and they were like oh ya i forgot abt this and freed it up

2. any side blogs? if you have them name and them and why you have them.

i have like 6 but i no longer use any of them & havent for years lmaoooo

3. how long have you been on tumblr?

i think its a decade this year. and ive never changed blogs once. im like a fungal infection here they cant get rid of me

4. do you have a queue tag?

i have never queued and i never will. you get my posts when you get em.

5. why did you start your blog in the first place?

a lot of my friends on deviantart (yes dear god) were becoming more active here and i started checking some humour blogs daily until i was eventually like why not just make an account

6. why did you choose your icon/pfp?

Him. (from the cover of #8 the alien, the first ax pov book, which i found in a 2nd hand bookshop as a kid and was soooo excited bc i could normally only read animorphs at the library, they were never in shops. still a treasured possession.)

7. why did you choose your header?

it just really describes my emotional state at any given time

8. what’s your post with the most notes?

unfortunately i believe it's this, which is not even my original content nor even the OP's original content, as it turned out. but "online job application form" dnd joke is probably second

9. how many mutuals do you have?

who the got damn hell is keeping track of this?

10. how many followers do you have?

1439. its been around this number for like 2 years i really just stagnated at a certain point but idm

11. how many people do you follow?

968. to paraphrase lydia, i suppose i should follow 1 more. (im sure that at least half of those are inactive. i have been here for a decade.)

12. have you ever made a shitpost?

by no means. none of my posts are shit

13. how often do you use tumblr each day?

uhhhhhhhh i probably open it and glance at activity/briefly glance at my dash llike 5 times a day? a lot less now that i use locked twitter for socialisation

14. did you have a fight/argument with a blog once? who won?

god no i am incredibly nonconfrontational. a couple times in my younger and more vulnerable years id post some stupid uninformed take and someone would rightfully disagree, and occasionally vice versa, but i honestly can't recall a "fight"

15. how do you feel about ‘you need to reblog this’ posts?

it's good to only follow adults the dashboard becomes a peaceful place

16. do you like tag games?

yes i like talking about myself 😊 but i never tag anyone bc im lazy oops.

17. do you like ask games?

i rarely do them bc i would usually not get any lmao, but they can be fun

18. which of your tumblr mutuals do you think is famous?

alma my friend alma seems to get a lot of nonsense in their inbox even tho they only post abt yugioh. eliza was definitely my most famous mutual but she freed herself from this place to become a real author, godspeed. and logan really blew up with "your dad looks gnc af" most recently

i think i have some more well known mutuals (again. been here 10 years.) but i cant think of them rn lmao sorry if ur a famo and i excluded u.

generally people think i have a lot more followers than i actually have? it's hard to gauge whether that's a compliment or not, but i take it as one.

19. do you have a crush on a mutual?

i have crushes on like everyone i meet it's called being bisexual </3

20. tags?

i tag...... YOU yes you. if u want!

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clownkiwi · 4 years

Text

my lengthy-ass post on game development and game release

yeaaaaa, ive been thinking about this for the past hour or so, and especially thinking about what my friends and other young people have talked about, i just decided to type out my feelings and thoughts about game development and game releases in terms of hyped up indie games (like silksong & deltarune chapter 2 + beyond)

but since this will be a huge post, im just gonna put it under a “read more” thing. if you wanna hear my thoughts on this, you can click the link below (this is basically comparable to a video essay ig)

but if you want a tldr, what my thoughts are is that dont give your hopes up on silksong, deltarune, & any other games releasing like very soon since you gotta take content implementation, bug testing/polishing, translations, porting, marketing, & announcements into consideration

with all that said, lets begin

so i remember talking to my friends a while ago about some of the most hyped up games release dates. you know, stuff like hollow knight: silksong or deltarune chapter 2+. especially after the updates given out by each developer/team recently, people are getting very excited to try out these games very soon this very year.

and by very soon, i mean like silksong (the full entire game) coming out THIS MONTH, and the entirety of deltarune (chapter 2 & however many chapters toby fox has planned) for THIS SUMMER IN ONE PACKAGE!!!

which, when i heard these, i thought they were all too good to be true! in fact, they’re all too good to be true. silksong DEFINITELY won’t come out this month, and i know for a Fact deltarune, the full package, won’t be out by this summer. and of course, that’s because of one thing that alot of us took for granted in terms of game development: the finalized touches.

before i go on, i just want to make this very clear: i am not a game design major. im not even in the industry. if anything, im an illustration major (currently), and all of what im gonna say is what i picked up from what other game devs have talked about and from other creative media industries (movie & tv show industry precisely). this is also really just speculation and opinionated, really the main point of this whole post is that you shouldn’t bet on silksong & deltarune coming out so soon from very easy theories and crazy misunderstandings on video game development, i am just giving out my own thoughts on when the game could possibly release (but tbf, i could be very wrong and we could get silksong out this month & the entirety of deltarune this summer. i don’t feel like we will, but it could be very possible and this whole post would be absolutely worthless)

now, i know tons of young people going into game development majors or want to be in the industry have tons of respect for the game development process. and thats good!!! im glad they have respect for the people actually making the content for the game and developing the full package. however, people usually take the finalized touches, imo, for granted more than the actual content development.

because how did people come to the conclusion about silksongs & deltarunes release date so soon???

from what i’ve heard from my friends and other people, silksong should come out this month to coincide with the anniversary of hollow knight, and because “team cherry is bad at marketing and releasing a game”

and with deltarune’s (the full package) release date, that was taking the whole game into consideration, and people’s speculation that deltarune would just be 4 chapters and that the whole thing will be released as one big package instead of episodic, despite the marketing of deltarune “chapter 1″

now, these sound a little bit reasonable. i mean, its been a while since we heard of them back in 2019 and 2018 respectively, and it makes perfect sense to release silksong on hollow knight’s anniversary and deltarune as a full game This Summer.

however, i still think that’s way too good to be true, and that’s because i took a few things into consideration: content implementation, bug fixing/polishing, translation, porting, and actually releasing the game (marketing/having the game up to a releasable state, and actually releasing the game). and to put this into my perspective, i thought about mario odyssey back in 2017

if you’re a nintendo fan like me and were hyped about the nintendo switch back in 2017, then you may remember mario odyssey and the hype around that game alone. when they revealed it back in 2017, they didn’t give a release date. a day after the reveal, mario odyssey devs came out straight and said they finished the game. the game was fully completed. however, they still didn’t give a release date, they just said that they’d spend this time polishing up the game.

and, i know it’s totally unfair to compare the polishing process between nintendo games & indie games since nintendo games are very well known for their polish, so they take more time to polish a game rather than. the next call of duty game.

however, this has given me a perspective as to how long developers spent on polishing the game. if we are to take nintendo at their word back then from when they announced they finished the game to release (which was late october 2017) then that means they spent 8-9 months alone on polish and bug fixing and maybe even translation. yes, you could have a finished game with all of the content in there, and you could feasibly release it as a switch launch title in march around the same time as breath of the wild; however, the developers didn’t feel mario odyssey was ready for release.

it wasn’t until e3 2017 when they felt proud to announce the release date for mario odyssey. this is important because that means that not only were the close to finishing the polishing & bug fixing state of the game, but that means they were done with translations and ready for marketing the game out to potential consumers. they spent who knows how long on polishing (probably anywhere between 6-9 months on polishing & bug testing alone) and they probably spent around the same amount of time on marketing the game.

now, like i said, its totally unfair to compare these two different design philosophies, as one is from a huge video game conglomerate that had years of game design vs small indie studios that only released their first game in the past decade, but let’s try to put this into perspective of silksong and deltarune

with silksong, team cherry had said they had gained new experience from hollow knight, both in terms of developing the actual games themselves and releasing them. this includes developing the game, implementing the content, and finalizing everything (from bug fixing and polishing, to marketing and releasing). and in terms of how they handled hollow knight’s original release, remember. that was their first game, they were very unsure as to how to market and release a game.

after hollow knight’s success, especially on switch, however, team cherry has gained experience as to how to finalize, market and release a game at a playable, releasable state.

in my personal opinion, especially with what team cherrys marketing manager had said recently, the content is done. they’ve finished all the content for silksong (the base game) and are in the finalized state of implementing everything into the game. however, that doesn’t mean for sure the game will come out on february 24th, 2021 for steam, switch & ps4 & xbox one (maybe even ps5 & series x)

they still gotta add any finishing polish to the game, they still gotta find and fix any bugs in the game, and even when they’re confident on that regard, you still gotta take marketing into account and when’s the right time to release the game. and in that point of view, you can probably imagine it won’t be until another few months until we hear anything substantial about silksong

and especially seeing as how silksong is gonna be a switch exclusive at first, silksong could be as easily released as hollow knight’s switch port was released; as an announcement in a big event, and on that same day. which would mean we could get silksong out for the nintendo switch during e3 2021. however, i was only being easy, fair, and reasonably realistic with silksong. it could come out sooner than i thought, or even later than i thought.

now, with deltarune, i am definitely very unsure about how far that game is in development and when that game will release, especially since all we have to go off of is undertale, the demo (deltarune chapter 1), and what toby fox officially said for undertale’s 5th anniversary on famitsu & on his website.

first, let’s go off of the claims i’ve heard people say about how long this game will be. “deltarune will be 4 chapters long, because there are 4 seasons in a year like undertale and because delta is the greek number for 4.” while that sounds reasonable, why hasn’t toby fox given us a sure amount of chapters he has planned for the game?

especially considering that in his official update on his website he kept emphasizing “chapters” and “multiple chapters” and “chapters 3+”, and the fact he separated chapter 2 from chapter 3+. from his words alone, it sounds like chapter 2 will be released separately from the entire rest of the game??? but that could just be me, and people are most excited about chapter 2 more than anything, so really he could just be talking about the state of the whole game by including chapter 2 separately, especially considering the entirety of deltarune will be built off of chapter 2.

but besides my speculation on chapter 2, the fact he didn’t give a sure amount of chapter numbers, and he even specifically said on release readiness he put “0%”, that just doesn’t translate to “this game should be ready for release in the summer of 2021″, despite the fact that he said development on the game is going smoothly, even taking his physical state that hes in right now.

i personally think the game could be around 4-7 chapters long if he’s planning on implementing multiple chapters in the game, even though the first draft of the games story and dialogue has already been finished in september 2020. and even if we were to go off of deltarune being 4 chapters long, it still doesn’t feel right to say this game will be out this summer??

i personally think if the full game will be 4 chapters, i feel more confident in saying the full 4 chapter game will be out by this upcoming holiday season at the earliest, and if not then, the latest would be somewhere in the first half of 2022. and if it won’t be 4 chapters long like im guessing it would, then it could be released even later than expected. again, i’m basing this off of words taken straight from toby fox’s mouth in september 2020, things couldve obviously changed since then and i could be very wrong about when this game will come out.

but i know for a fact deltarune wont fully be released this summer, they still gotta develop the later chapters and put this game into a full package or release it episodically (even though people are confident that the game will be released in one package, i haven’t heard toby fox officially say anything about how the game will be released, just how the game has been developed so far), which of course is taking polishing/bug fixes into account, and marketing as well

i know for a fact polishing & bug fixes & even marketing wont take as long as nintendo games, but i do know they won’t be done very easily or quickly, and we still shouldn’t be too sure about when these games or any future game will come out

i guess that’s actually just the point of this whole post. unless its people with refuteable sources that have been spot on with predictions or it’s officially said from the mouths of these developers, then don’t bet on silksong or deltarune coming out so soon because of rumors or speculation

i could even be wrong about everythign that i’ve just said. im not a game major, like i said, so silksong could probably come out on february 24th, 2021, and maybe deltarune will come out this summer. i’m very sure it isn’t, but i could be wrong and know nothing about the game development process, and really toby fox’s team & team cherry are game development gods, and i’m surprised nintendo hasn’t bought them out by now so they could release splatoon 3, mario odyssey 2, mario galaxy 3, the diamond and pearl remakes, and metroid prime 4 right now /s

but yea, like i said, don’t count on silksong & deltarune coming out so soon, and maybe take the final stages of development and marketing and releasing more realistically rather than overlooking them and making unsubstantiated claims based off of speculation

#ruby says clown shit #ok thats all i wanted to say #ik at this point this is really just me rambling but i do hope you understand what i mean #again the main thing is that you shouldnt give your hopes too high on silksong & deltarune releasing so soon #and ig u could use this for any other game you're very excited about coming out #if you read the whole post however. thank you so much i didn't make any sense at all but thank you anyways #really this is all just speculation. i could be right or i could be wrong #but again just dont give your hopes up on silksong or deltarune getting released soon #and ik for a fact i left some stuff out bc i spent alot of time writing my main points #so uh. yea. thats it. idk what else to say #im just gonna post this now #if it bombs whatever. this was pointless. but if you did listen to what i had to say thank you!!!

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firerwolf · 4 years

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So to start out I’ll explain why this is formatted like this. So Tumblr did that thing it does where it shows you a post from a tag you follow and the post was for the “Sarah Palmer” tag. This tag has some negative things about Palmer and I asked the person to not tag posts that are negative about a character with that character. Basic etiquette for others in a fandom. Well that person didn’t want to see them as being negative about Palmer and when I again asked them to remove the tag they called me “annoyingly persistent” and blocked me. But at this point I had things I actually wanted to say about the post and the attitude they had toward content of game series that I took a screen shot so I’ll be posting that and then replying. Their name is removed because what I have to say is more about the attitude that they present than them.

So I want to start with the fact that it is ridiculous to only consider a character in the window of a single game. That’s simply not how characters are developed in a large series like Halo. Saying that you can’t be asked or referenced to other material beside one singular game is like saying that you’ll only consider a character and who they are in season one when someone is trying to point you to an episode in season 4 that gives you more understanding. Not all of a story is in one media and it’s really crazy to consider official media of a series as less because it’s a different form of media. I’ll get more to that in the second point I want to make but the idea that because a series started as a game, which it should be noted was released with Fall of Reach so it was always also a book, is to ignore that that is official media. The books and comics are a part of the story that is being told. And particularly with the EU media around the time of Halo 4 it was even more intertwined. Like Escalation is a literal continuation of Spartan Ops. To say you won’t reference any of the comics is to ignore that that is half of the story of Spartan Ops. It reeks more of elitism to not take all media into account. It reads as though the comics and books are considered less than the games even though they’re all canon. This is a fault in plenty of fandoms where official books or comics are released and people seem to feel they’re above them because they aren’t a video game. If media is official it is equal to the games when it comes to examining characters.

Now on to my second point which is the place that stories told in comics and books have in large series like Halo. Comics and books are able to tell stories that would make for shitty games. The first entire fourth of Fall of Reach is the story of the start of the Spartan IIs, their training days, and their first mission. That would be a shitty game, but make for an amazing book. The point of media that is more text base and detail oriented and not combat involved. The first arc of Escalation is great but it’s also a lot of dialogue and not a lot of combat so it would make for a shit game. It made for a good comic. Same thing goes for Initiation, a lot of events in First Strike, New Blood, Ghost of Onyx, and most other books or comics in the series. There are also what usually people point to for context of things in the game because their format also allows for more depth of characters and more being in the head of characters which allows for more context for characters or their actions. That is the thing that written words have above medias like games where narration is less common or motivations are less explained. This is best shown by considering Destiny. Destiny has a in game story but it also has lore which fill in gaps, explains past events, and adds depth to some characters that gives their attitudes during the game some context, because games aren’t made as just games any more. To pretend they are is to be suck a decade in the past.

The final point that I want to make is about the way they compare Kat and Palmer. First, Palmer shouldn’t be compared to Kat, she’s not a second-in-command, she’s the leader of all the Spartans on Infinity. She should be compared to Carter or John, leaders of their soldiers. But comparing Palmer to Kat this person actually brought up a sort of problem with how people view Palmer. See the descriptors of cocky or emotional could both be used for Kat, and she’s far from professional. It’s also completely false to say that Palmer doesn’t command the respect of her soldiers when in Spartan Ops they absolutely all show her respect. So the comparison as anything negative really falls flat as Kat is all the things that they claim are negatives about Palmer. The only difference between them is that Palmer is in command, above other soldiers, while Kat didn‘t have authority. She was always able to be over ruled by Carter but no Spartan can over rule Palmer and as happened in Spartan Ops Lasky can’t even always over rule her. She is a woman with agency and without the safety net of not being the top dog. The fact that it’s a negative when it comes to Palmer but those same attributes aren’t negative in Kat speaks more to an ingrained sexism about women in power that I think people often don’t realize they have. Because she’s the top Spartan she’s held to a higher standard while those same negatives are ignored in characters that are lower on the totem poll. If you compare her to John or Carter her “flaws” are actually positives. The reality is that Carter and John both have their own flaws but Palmer’s are able to be more open and shown because she is the final evolution of the Spartans. Carter and John are both more serious and more reserved but they were both Spartans since they were kids, and Palmer was a normal person, then ODST, before she became a Spartan. All of the Spartan IVs are more human than those that came before them and that makes them these more openly human characters. Because yeah, Palmer can be cocky, she has pride in her Spartans and she’s a former ODST which are known for being cocky in personal interactions. Palmer can be emotional, she’s a ground soldier unable to take action to get things done and only able to give orders and watch as her soldiers die. She cares about her Spartans so she shows frustration at losses. It should be noted the person who made the post cited a “emotional outburst” which I could only figure they meant that one singular event where she punched the table after the Prometheans took Palmer away but not only was that only one time but it was a reasonable reaction. Palmer spent like three episodes trying to enforce to others that Halsey was a threat, she then betrays them to have the ship invaded, soldiers killed, and nearly killed her Captain and friend and then even when they’re finally beating them back Jul steals Halsey and her anger is by far the one most believable event in that entire game. She warned people about Halsey, they ignored her, and they’d lost all their gains and the lives of soldiers because no one listened to her. A small sign of anger was one of the one few good moments from that entire game.

Now I’m going to cover this last bit on it’s own because this part actually annoyed me greatly. If you read that post above you might have noticed a particular part that seemed confusing as it being considered part of her “portrayal”. The part where they claim an aspect of her character is that she is “sexualized by other Spartans”. The only time in all of Halo 4 and Spartan Ops that any sort of comment or sexual thing was made about Palmer was DeMarco’s first encounter where he makes a pass at Palmer and she shuts him down. DeMarco shuts up, right away stops any of that and never again is any sexual or even physical comment made about Palmer for the entire series. Not even in the comics, Halo 5, of Halo Assault is anything sexual ever said about her. Note that this also isn’t an aspect of Palmers portrayal. She doesn’t make a sexual comment about herself, it’s a part of who DeMarco is but to blame Palmer for his comment is blaming her for his actions as though being hit on is a personality trait for women. This is plain sexism to consider this a ding against Palmer in any way. If anything that scene was at the start to shut down any idea that because she was a woman that she was going to be sexualized at all in the series.

Well that’s all I wanted to rant about for the day. Remember not to tag characters if you’re going to post negative things about them. It’s simply not necessary. People in the tags want positive posts about that character.

#halo #Commander Palmer #Sarah Palmer #opinion #show some respect for other fans

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guardianofmemes · 5 years

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Mojave Morality; or Why Some Factions are Mixed but Legion Bad and Can We Stop Denying it

When it comes to asking which faction is Good and Evil, you may first think the NCR are the clear good guys, or that Mr. House will lead to greater standard of living. But friends, we should take into account the futures of these factions and the potential social changes that would take place within them, Vegas or not!

The Republic is an imperialist, expansionist nation with economic disparity and a government controlled by the rich few. Still, it is possible for a social and political revolution to take place, as the people still can directly vote and there are few senate seats, and they are EXTREMELY sick of the right-wing policies that have occurred over the last two decades, which are a recent departure from the rest of the nation’s history, under Tandi and Aradesh. And it is still entirely possible the people could overthrow the government with some measure of ease. The nationalistic nature of the United States has not yet had chance to fully take root in the Republic, most people consider themselves citizens of the Boneyard or Hub before being citizens of the Republic, members of the military included. The draft isn’t popular. And while their war crimes are less than America’s, they exist.

Independent Vegas, well this one isn’t really detached from the big factions, its entirely dependent on you choosing that path for that specific territory. But from cut content we can see that the Strip was barely being held together under Mr. House as it is, and it all goes straight to chaos as soon as you come to power. Still, the actual villages and towns of the Mojave are rather well-off and prosper under their own rule, as independent settlements under no central authority. With this comes a lack of centralized ability to project force and protect the lone communities, so they are left to their own defense as well. Tiny micro-nations.

Mr. House has always been more machine than man, even before he got hooked up on life support gone wrong. He lacks empathy, does not consider other people to actually be people, just pieces to move around on the game board, a game he is playing against reality. He wants to spit in the eye of the mystic, the divine, in the belief of human kindness and capacity for peaceful co-existence. This is just how the man is, a true Ayn Rand protagonist, the Great Man wrought to existence. And how would the Great Man rule exactly? Through force of arms, but not even with a slight veneer of self determination or free will. A board of directors to rule his new galactic megacorporation empire made manifest, yet it would be a board he could overturn at any moment on a whim. He alone, playing the entire human race like a video game, Civilization IV or Stellaris, just looking at the spreadsheet of numbers as little pixels move around, making decisions that simplify the equation, like wiping out the Brotherhood because they are a stray variable he cannot account for in his grand plans. He has the ability and intellect to rebuild the industrial sector, maybe even take us to space, but that’s the problem with the Rich isn’t it? They’d rather abandon this planet and just find an easier solution than get their hands dirty fixing this world.

And we come upon him at last, the tyrant of tyrants, he who wishes to defy his fate even more desperately than Robert House himself. The plagiarist with a real severe case of hypocrisy and Brain Disease, its time for Caesar. Why do I say Caesar instead of Caesar’s Legion? Because he is the faction, he is the glue that binds the whole operation together. Its not at all a hot take, even in the game itself they acknowledge as soon as Caesar dies, the Legion will split among its squabbling generals and the territory will fall to chaos, because his men follow the man himself, not his ideals. As a fascist, he has no true ideals, the man shifts with whatever works best. Guns are normally forbidden to them, but a Centurion conquered an entire tribe of strong warriors with his minigun? Well now give him a suit of special commemorative armor and let him keep using it. No modern medicine yes, men must be stronger than such luxuries? But he will very openly tell you about the auto-doc he bestows upon those he favors, and has no problem with you removing his tumor. The man is weak of spirit and will, he seeks to make himself known in history, to last beyond his death. And so we come to his mid-life crisis, life under Caesar’s Empire. One could say yes, its safe to live in his territory, the regular patrols excise the tumor that are raider gangs and hostile wildlife. But is that a reason to excuse the tithes one must pay to his Legion? The young men taken to serve, the women taken for slave labor and much more horrible things? The public executions and mass torture over minor trespasses, such as possessing recreational drugs? A total lack of political freedom, zero social mobility; a world that even if you somehow view going back thousands of years in terms of social, technological, and political progress to the age of the tyrant as GOOD, will collapse as soon as he dies of his brain tumor, old age, tripping over a landmine, or assassination? If that is really what you see as the ideal world, or somehow a neutral society in terms of morality, I really don’t know what to tell you. I wish I knew what to say.

#fallout #fallout new vegas #NCR #Legion #Caesar's Legion #Mr. House #Independent Vegas #wew the post ended up being so long i wanted to just #make it into its own post as well #wahoo it was a real stream of consciousness thing

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blumoonwolf · 5 years

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Tag Game!

@faunina tagged me (bless ily)!! sorry it took so long! my first draft deleted itself so I think this version is much briefer because I ramble and forget what I originally had typed

Nickname: Blu! I think its the only nickname ive ever had but I love it

Gender: female

Astrological Sign: Taurus,,, which I fit much too well = many, many callouts

Height: 5′3″ (160 cm) but I slouch like a limp noodle so I look even shorter much to my resentment c’:

Sexuality: ace babeyy! im panromantic though!

Hogwarts House: hufflepuff!!

Favorite Animals: canines and crows mainly,, but if you throw anything at me chances are I’ll love it with all of my being! deer! bats! bees! goats! (with the exception of horses and geese! straight up bastards,, I’ve never gotten over that whole a-horse’s-leg-is-actually-just-a-giant-toe business and other alarming facts about them. geese are just mean.)

Number of Blankets: technically I have a ton of wolf-print blankets (4-5), but I only ever use one blanket because I Melt at night. now ask me about my number of pillows? neverending. ive reached a number beyond infinity, my sum of pillows is beyond human comprehension.. as it should be

Where I’m From: Colorado, United States! whenever I see mountains I get all weepy like that shits home, baby!

Dream Trip: I’d love to take my friends to Ireland,, explore the land, see the ruins and learn about the folklore,, maybe take a few boat trips,,, buy a house,, plant some trees, get a beehive and some goats,, thats not a trip is it sdkjfskjdk

When I Created This Account: November, 2016. It hasn’t even been three years and yet it feels like its been decades- it hasn’t been bad at all though. I really do love my mutuals! (I see those tags and I Love You)

Why I Created This Account: I created it so I could reblog friend art! that’s really it. my friends would complain about the likes to reblogs ratio and I was like Fuck That Shit so I made a blog so I could help them out and share my love another way!! I stay because I reblog funny shit all the time lmao

#im not tagging anyone but if a mutual sees this and wants to do it #please please do id die of happiness #sorry my writing is awful!!#ill probably get insecure and delete this post later but for now!! thanks for reading if you got this far ily

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swampgallows · 6 years

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i have an appt with my therapist again today in a few hours and i think this will be like her third strike. i feel increasingly uncomfortable talking to her even if she seems invested in my writing etc. it just feels like the same shit all over again. people taking what they want from me and treating me like a commodity, like a personal jester for their entertainment, and then not giving a shit about me or my feelings. she told me it’s okay to talk a lot and to complain but then tells me to stop complaining—”we’ve done that part”—and while i dont like complaining at that point i was just explaining my reasoning more than complaining.

i feel like she’s frustrated because i’m not making progress as quickly as she’d like and she thinks i have all this potential, and like, no shit. you’re frustrated after two months? try 28 fucking years. this has been the situation my entire life, this is what i’m in therapy for, this is why i’m suicidal. i’m sick to death of people saying all this shit about how i’m not doing enough, i’m not doing well enough, how i’m SO smart and SO this or that and treat me like i’m wasted potential all the time. i’m fucking sick of potential. and i get paralyzed about doing anything because when i do ANYTHING it’s never good enough, it’s always people telling me that i didnt try hard enough or that i didnt do my best or telling me how it could be better.

i busted my fucking ass off in school for nearly two decades, doing all the extra credit and being in advanced placement gifted magnet college prep what have you bullshit, at the top percentile of goddamn everything, and all of it amounted to nothing. all of it is inherently useless. i get to just live with the Good Feeling of doing a good job because it’s reflective of absolutely nothing. i have no life skills and no independence and zero confidence in myself doing anything. i have no faith in myself or reason to live. i dont have a reason to stick around and see anything through and the only reason i havent killed myself yet is because i’m afraid of death, but the only reason i havent committed myself to an institution is because of the backlash i would get from my parents and because of the hefty price tag on the asylum.

once i get out of the house i usually feel better, but it has been a challenge to get out of the house. it’s a challenge to get anything done IN the house unless it’s something that my parents directly are scrutinizing me for. like “oh she did the dishes! she’s not useless after all.” or “oh she actually was doing something on her computer, looks like she isn’t just sitting around playing games.” and they care about those things not for my welfare but for their own image. they dont want some loser neet child, and i guess i dont really want that either, but only because of the image, really. i’d like to be independent from my parents but i constantly feel like it’s not possible or feasible due to external factors. even when i was employed there was no way i was making enough money to pay rent anywhere. one coworker who didnt live w her parents lived with NINE other people and STILL paid 800 a month.

and even when i lived alone in my dorm away from my parents, i was still feeling completely useless and had no desire to do anything. i was completely disconnected from the world. raving was good at that time luckily but in terms of just...anything, i was talking to shitty people and meeting up with strangers who luckily didnt murder or rape me... just because. ironically i got hit by a car trying to meet up w a dude from school. i feel like i deserve to be punished and beaten constantly and i low-key do it to myself through denying myself anything. like sabotaging my life through passivity.

but it seemed like my therapist was more sympathetic before in her description of my “learned helplessness”, that it causes me fucking pain to try to do anything on my own. it’s not just nervousness or anxiety, it’s a paralyzing fear. because if i do anything it destroys my mom and then i have to live with that guilt and emotional fallout. i feel horrible that i don’t like my mom as a person, and i dont blame anyone else for also not liking her. i dont describe my mom as likable. i wish i could help my mom, but i can’t, and at the same time, i dont want to. she has sucked so much life out of me and she’s ruining my life but it also feels like i’ll be abandoning her if i go. it’s real fucking easy for my therapist to say “you’re not responsible for your parents” but theyve been responsible for me all this time. i didnt fucking ask to be born but i also feel like i’m literally the only thing keeping my mom from killing herself. i hate when she says “everyone would be better off without me” because to an extent it’s true. we’d be better off without her hoarding everything, we’d be better off not walking on eggshells constantly around her aggressive self-deprecation, we’d be better off without her bigotry (at least i would), we’d be better off without all the shit that makes me not want to help her. i dont want to resent my mom but i already have so much contempt for everything, and i’m so used to having these shackles on that i dont really know how to live without them.

when i went to target with nate i felt just..shocked and excited but also scared about the fact that i could buy literally anything i wanted at the store for snacks and my parents wouldnt know about it. i wouldnt have to explain to my mom where i “got these” or if i had more or justify how expensive they were or have fear her buying ten more bags of it because i liked it one time. i got to just purchase what i wanted and ate it right there and like thank god they didnt KNOW about it. they’ll see that i spent money at target but they dont know it was on fancy cookies and candy.

when i had a job i felt more independent because i was making money, and i’m still spending the money that i made, but they still fucking see everything i do unless it’s through paypal. i talked about opening a separate account but theres no way to get the money from that account to my new one without my parents noticing, obviously. it’s hard to take all of the steps that i can envision because i know they are painful. the only way my brother and sister have independence is because they’ve been completely emotionally numb or, more in my sister’s case, have been actively antagonistic toward my parents. my mom is now “afraid” of my sister, and nearly every time she comes over she’s screaming at my mom.

i dont know the true logistics of opening a new bank account but i guess if i get a new job i could start putting the money in that account. im only applying to costco so far because i have literally no idea of what jobs are out there or what i could do. but costco has good benefits and i really REALLY need my teeth fixed and i REALLY need new glasses. im still wearing the glasses that were in the accident and have a huge gouge out of the center of the right lens. im scared that ive already trained my brain to create a blind spot.

it helps to write this stuff out but it’s hard to find a solution. and maybe my therapist is also frustrated because she can’t find a solution either. but for me that’s just my fucking reality lmao. the only thing i can really think of is just throwing a dart on a map and sneaking away to some other fucking state or something. that’s really the only way my brother and sister made it out, too. but i dunno where i’d go or what i’d do, still, but at least then it would be more immediate and more on my terms. i’d basically just be throwing a dart somewhere. but then i’d really be alone.

#blathering

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gavis-bettel · 6 years

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i just saw a post about symptoms of childhood depression and idk if ive ever talked about this here but

every time i try to think about how my depression developed when i was a child i am BLOWN AWAY by the fact that i was Very Severely suicidal as young as 7 or 8 years old

like i have very distinct memories partly because it happened during my first road trip with my family. i distinctly remember just desperately wanting to jump out of our hotel room window and we were a good few stories up so i didnt have any doubt it would kill me and i didnt even think of why i would want to do it or that it was such a serious thing to want to kill myself bc idk if i even knew what suicide was at that age

and around age ten i was on another trip with my mom and brother and it was a ton of fun! we went to a family reunion which i always enjoyed and it was in a totally different climate zone which was super cool to experience for the first time and my mom got me pokemon diamond so i would have something to do and i loved that game so so much

but on a cable car ride the park ranger or tour guide or whatever her position was mentioned that it would take seven seconds to fall from the height of our cable car onto the face of the mountain and all i could think of was how much i wanted to pry the doors open and jump and count those seven seconds and how disappointing it was that the car was full of people and someone would stop me if i tried

and then we went on a hike and i kept looking for any slope that would be sheer and tall enough to kill me if i fell but luckily we were on the safest most beginner/child friendly trail

and earlier that year i was going through a really stressful time in school and i frequently imagined ways that i could fall on our sharpest kitchen knife so it would kill me as quickly and painlessly as possible, or how to drown myself by looping a belt through the grate of the drain at the bottom of our swimming pool, or how to poison myself but i didnt think too hard about that one because i had a tendency to throw up a lot as a kid and i wanted the most surefire way

and at age twelve my best friend was also depressed and suicidal and she told me about how she wanted to poison herself or kill herself in other ways i cant remember bc its been a decade, but i decided that if she wanted to die too then i should try and i think it was before the pass out challenge but i remember hearing a news story about a child strangling himself to death playing a game or something so i actually tried to strangle myself and i could have fucking done it but i stopped bc i got a little freaked out by my neck going numb and seeing spots of light so i put the belt i was using away and just went to bed lol

and in the morning i messaged my friend about it and she was actually kind of freaked out i think. i remember seeing the little red spots from blood vessels bursting in my eyes and i was lucky i didnt bruise bc while i never really realized just how fucked up and abnormal being suicidal was (at any age, let alone 7-12), i also never told anyone about it except my friend

and interestingly enough around that time one of my teachers mentioned to my mom that i seemed depressed and recommended that i see a professional about it but my mom asked me if i was depressed and wanted to talk to someone and of course i said no because i was a shy kid and also never really knew there was actually something very seriously wrong with me... she chalked it up to my grandma (who i kind of hated and didnt miss at all, lol) dying a few months earlier and we all just kind of forgot about that

and funny enough, after my suicide attempt i didnt contemplate suicide again for several years - i might have been sixteen or seventeen the next time i even thought about dying like that. of course, starting in the tenth grade (age uhh... 15-16?) i had my first Springtime Major Depressive Episode, which made me lose any and all interest in school starting some time after spring break and before finals, and this happened ever year up until 2016, when i had my worst one yet and failed all my classes bc i didnt go to half of them, didnt do half my homework, and stopped studying altogether while also becoming completely obsessed with dead animals and constantly dissociating so badly i was almost convinced i had DID (and i still have posts on this blog talking about having alters and all that shit bc digging them all up to delete them is too much work and i might want to read back through all that mess if i ever have to go through such a severe episode again (knock on wood) ). and like, it was so bad i actually told my mom i was having a rough time for the first time ever, and she gave me her prozacs bc she didnt actually take them anymore (they didnt work on me, unfortunately). the summer following all that was marked by fits of anxiety and rage bc i had family visiting for a few weeks and it was too stressful for my poor half-melted brain but i managed to get through all that and the depressive episode ended and i actually got my act together after that and haven’t failed a class since and ive only skipped like 1-2 times per semester since then and i was sooo proud of how well i did and 2017 i didnt have my big springtime mde

but now i feel like im slipping again and i dont know if i can handle disappointing myself like that again. i was actually considering dropping out for a while because im not going to graduate in a clean four years, some people i graduated high school with have already gotten their degrees and started their careers, and im also just fucking tired of being in school. but my advisor told me im on track to graduate next fall and that made me feel so much better

but then i realized i cant focus during class. i dont remember huge chunks of lectures and sometimes its a struggle to turn in homework on time, let alone actually study. theres a good chance i could fail one of my classes, and a slight chance i could fail another. and i promised myself that i would get help if things got bad again, theres a psych clinic right on campus thats covered by tuition, but it feels like im doing all i can to make it to class and then im exhausted and just want to go home... im honestly feeling kind of lost here. like i know exactly what i can do to help myself and maybe salvage some fucking brainpower before finals start, but i just have no motivation and mentally its like im barely even here

or like, my brain’s being smothered and i cant pay attention or do anything because theres so much fluff blocking everything out...

well, at least now i have a little account of my mental health history in case i ever do manage to see someone lol

#star emoji #depression //////#suicide ment //////#description of s/ui/cide attempt//////////#honestly just dont even read this i just need to get this off my chest bc my mental health hasnt been great lately and it might help #oh god this got super long actually please ignore this #OH SHIT WAIT readmores dont work on mobile do they #fuck im so sorry to anyone who has to scroll through all this shit but i Needed to type this all out im sorry #long post

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cyrelia-j · 6 years

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[Fic] Inside a Dream IV (Garak/Bashir)

Wanted to get a bit more dramatic with this but try and keep a bit of quicker pacing. Julian and Jack are such literature nerds.

Past Parts are Here:

Part 1, Part 2, and Part 3

Still AU but not really an AU set at the end of everything show/books. Angst, Drama, Romance, falling in love [again maybe] but lots of angst and bittersweetness to be had,

After Sarina's death and Julian's coma, Julian dreams. With the aid of a device provided by the other augments, Garak is able to bring that world to life. And then Jack shows up in the flesh, wanting "his" Julian back. Garak is forced to confront the truths he didn't want to face and decide if he's going to fight for him.

Brief note on other pairings: You can read Kelim into this (especially from the first 2 chapters- no decisions made on whether that avenue will be pursued) ALSO, past Julian/Jack Pack (Jack, Lauren, Sarina, Patrick in some form or another but nothing explicit) in this chapter more explicit Julian/Jack but I would still hold it to be in the past and garahir is the end game.

If I could be with you tonight

I would sing you to sleep

Never let them take the light behind your eyes

The killswitch… Garak sits outside in the garden watching the night blooms of the evening primrose. The seeds were a gift from Julian years ago. Julian had said that he was aware of the potential problems in introducing foreign species to a new world, but he didn’t think that would be a problem. The flowers were strong. They grew through the cracks in the sidewalk of old Earth, along railways and in deserts were there was no water. They were perennial and bloomed anew year after year, hardy plants always returning with their fragrant night flowers. But they weren’t invasive, yielding to other species when in competition for resources, allowing others to grow instead, fading into the background. Garak thought in a way they were a lot like the man who’d gifted them to him.

They flourished here though, and he watched the pale orange catching the moonlight. Jack had told them about far more than just the killswitch, though that was the issue which lay at the heart of what needed to be resolved. Jack was also able to explain the strange dreamworld that Julian’s mind was trapped in. It was an old place on Earth which no longer existed after the Third World War. It was genetic memory, Jack had said, but not Julian’s. It was Jack’s and Garak wasn’t sure that he particularly cared to hear any more on the how and the why of that. It was quite clear from the way that Jack spoke to him, from the way he stomped up and down the room demanding that they hurry up and “fix” his Julian what they were and might possibly still be to each other. As far as Garak was concerned Jack should have been the one to retrieve him then.

Why should Garak be the one to spend two years staring into the ashen face of a corpse? Clearly Julian has no shortage of paramours spanning the Alpha Quadrant who could come for the body as it were. It gives Garak some flash of memory of a state funeral he had attended once for a prominent legate. After the family was called to send off the beloved old bastard no less than three separate groups stepped forward unbeknownst to the other. Not only had it been a fiasco which Garak admittedly relished, it was an awful stain on the reputation of the Records Bureau. Had Garak known that he would be the one called in to waste his valuable skills on scaring a bunch of bureaucrats he wouldn’t have been nearly as amused as he was.

You already know the reason that it had to be you, Elim, his mind traitorously supplies. From Jack’s account, the three of them had nearly died themselves. In Jack’s case, it was only the shock of pulling his own eye out that severed the break that was going on in his mind. He was sure that Jack had been telling the truth when he said somewhat evasively that it was only a similar shock to the others that pulled them through though he refused to elaborate. By their absence, Garak imagines the price to have likely been much higher. Still, that doesn’t mean that he has to like it. The process was already taking its toll on him prior to Jack’s arrival and the revelation that Garak’s place here is merely as some hired necromancer to revive a Guls damned corpse so a crazy augment gets his lover back…

Not for the first time this evening, Garak is seriously contemplating dumping the lot of them. He has responsibilities here. He should already be in bed for the meetings he knows he’ll have to deal with tomorrow. The Castellan of the Cardassian Union hardly has the ability to stay up all night for one comatose human… especially a human who made it quite clear that their lives were off in two parallel directions never to intersect in such a fashion. But then Garak keeps coming back to the whys of Jack giving him the device. Once he was well there was no reason Jack couldn’t have come for Julian then. No, Jack was quite emphatic that Garak was the one meant to revive him, but the more he spoke, the more obvious it was that one still grasped sanity by a precious thread. Still, by all accounts, between the three augments there’s no reason that they couldn’t work out the science themselves.

And that’s when Garak shuts his eyes and has a waking dream of Julian’s mouth nearly meeting his in that terribly human action before stopping, before those eyes had looked at him with that pitiful apology. Nothing makes sense. None of it and he was painfully honest with Parmak. He can’t do this anymore. Whatever stupid game this is, he can’t be a part of it. Garak frowns. As the wind blows the delicate primrose shakes with it. He isn’t yours, Elim. He never was. Whatever you dreamed between the two of you on the station however many decades ago it was now, that’s all that it was. You might as well chalk it up to the delusions of a mind at rest, of a lonely consciousness desperate for something to cling to in your solitude. These flowers are the only tangible blossoms to bloom from your foolish fantasies.

Garak reaches out to pluck one then pauses. He was going to place it beside Julian’s bedside but it’s a sentiment that he still finds beneath him. You’re pathetic, Elim. Courting the unconscious body of another’s lover, and in such an overwrought human way at that; you’ve grown too soft. He walks towards the back door then stop himself, sensing someone coming. It’s an irrational action, he tells himself. This is his house after all, and he’s hardly the ex spy skulking around a repurposed space station. Nonetheless, Garak slips back into the shadows behind the stone wall next to the house. Julian had said to him once that Garak was the only one truly capable of approaching him undetected. Garak thought little of such an observation at the time. He was trained to be silent, to leave no footprint. It wasn’t until the truth of Julian’s augmented status came to light that Garak realized just what an accomplishment it was at that.

It would seem that Jack cannot sense him either as he walks out looking down at something in the palm of his hand. Garak’s left eye catches a flash of silver as Jack walks to that wooden bench. He stops, listening likely even for a breath. But Garak leaves none in the night air loud with the sound of rushing wind and insects making their chirruping mating calls. He remains ensconced in the darkness though he doesn’t doubt that were Jack to know to search for him, that single augmented eye would still easily seek him out from the shadows. But Jack doesn’t know to look for him and Jack seems to be unusually occupied as he does something with the device that nearly causes Garak to give himself away when he starts in surprise.

It’s Julian standing there. Not the Julian from the dream world, lost and confused, but a Julian that appears more the old Starfleet officer that Garak once knew.

Julian has that same exasperated expression that he used to wear when Garak would say something especially outlandish. That’s not what catches Garak’s attention the most prominently, however. No, what stands out the most is the matter of Julian’s age. He appears much as he had when they parted ways on Deep Space Nine. Garak isn’t quite sure it is then what he’s actually witnessing. Some sort of toy? A recording? Fortunately for him, that little slip goes unnoticed because Jack’s attention is solely fixated on the figure in front of him like he’s looking at one of the electromagnet specters that humans call “ghosts”. He appears solid, however, much like the Julian from the mobile projections into the room. But if he’s a mobile projection then why doesn’t he appear as his actual age? Ah, vanity, doctor, do you still see yourself as that young man?..

“You can’t keep doing this to yourself, Jack,” Garak hears Julian say, bound in a fast embrace as that sentence is muffled into Jack’s shoulder. Garak watches the arms come up, come back, a few moments of breathing and he’s cursing himself for his inability to let things lie. Whatever this is, he doesn’t particularly want to witness it.

“I can and I will and that just goes to show you who the better augment is since you gave up, rolled over, played dead and I… I’m not gonna let you do that hm.”

“Jack-”

“The lizard, the lizard man, that’s the prince, right? Should’ve been a frog but you always liked to mix your myths so… So that’s the key, that’s what you want right? That’s the bait, that’s the little bell to bring the cat out from under the couch, isn’t it hm?” There’s a strange pause to that moment, as Jack once more returns to the matter of Garak’s alleged unique ability to pull Julian from whatever mental trauma he’s suffered.

“Please tell me that you didn’t leave Mrs. Norris by herself,” Julian says looking at him concerned, taking a step back. Jack huffs indignantly.

“Lauren has it. The hellbeast likes her better but you knew that when you got her. You knew she didn’t like me, knew she liked to scratch at my pants, disappeared to two eyes looking looking what if I…” Jack had taken a few steps moving in a circle like some strange old timepiece Julian had shown him a picture of once. He called it a cuckoo clock explaining that they were a popular conversation piece (curious term, Garak had always thought) and that the mechanisms would prompt the little figures on the hour to pop out of a little door and spin around with a chime or some other indicator sound. He never quite understood the visual until now that Jack walks almost manically like a little bit of that timepiece from an old wooden machine.

“That’s it! Should’ve thought of it earlier... The cat’s the key… no, the play’s the thing and you’re playing with me, Mercutio!”

“Jack,” Julian says softly, Jack stopping upright at the soft call of his name. Julian takes his hand, the intimate gesture rather turning Garak’s stomach. It has far more meaning to him when Julian’s thumbs circle around the maniacal augment’s hands. “I’m proud of you for coming here yourself. You know I miss you-”

“But you can’t you can’t, you can and you will and you’re mine and I…” Jack takes a deep breath, the soft tap of his vibrating foot to the stone. “I can’t do it without you. We can’t do it without you and you’ve rested long enough.”

“Jack…” forehead to forehead and the wind carries the sound well enough that Garak can close his eyes. “I can’t come back to you. I don’t… I don’t even know why I’m alive right now but if this is the price for the rest of you can live I… I don’t mind sleeping awhile.”

“I reached out to you, Alice. I told you to take my hand and not fall down the damn rabbit hole.”

“Ah, but here I am,” said with that touch of self-effacing Julian humor. “Sous une lumière blafarde… Court, danse et se tord sans raison La Vie…” Garak hears a laugh, not understanding those words. Jack does. Garak can hear it when he answers.

“You don’t belong in the darkness, Julian,” he says oddly steady.

“I’m where I belong, Jack.”

“Right,” a snort. “How doth the little crocodile improve his shining tail, and pour the waters of the Nile on every golden scale?”

“This isn’t about him,” Julian growls. “You know that. I told you that a long time ago when they joined the lot of us.”

“It’s always about him. Let us come to a common term, let us worship no one except our God.”

“You don’t need to blaspheme to make your point.”

“Aha! The translation is blasphemy! You said it, there, I said it was and you said it wasn’t and now you turn it on your head mmhmm devil’s advocate, Fie thou dishonest satan!”

Guls, how has Julian spent so many years with that? And Garak is sure it has to be at least that long. It was likely since the first time they met as much as Julian had gone on about how much the man exasperated him. But it wasn’t just Jack, Garak recalls, it was all of them. Section 31 had done some experimental procedure Jack had said which bound the five of them together as a failsafe. It’s how Julian has that genetic memory of Jack’s ancestors. It’s how they were able to attack all of them at once. It was a dead man’s switch as they said in human culture; an apt term that Garak has grown rather fond of. The main System is dead and they should be too but they escaped. Some perhaps more than others and Garak has heard plenty to decide that he’s done playing these games with the humans and he’s going to-

“I love you Jack,” said simply and Garak breathes in deeply thoroughly irritated at such garish human sentiment.

“You loved him first and you love him more and when he brings you back I’m going to kill him.”

“No you won’t, Jack.”

“You’re coming back with me, you’re coming back with me!” the stomp of a foot, some other scuffling noise. “I didn’t… I didn’t come here… all the way out here… I… you know that I wouldn’t… not alone… I wouldn’t come here alone and come back alone, from childhood’s hour I have not been as others were!”

“I know… I know, love but I… I’m tired Jack. I can’t do this anymore. I don’t have the strength for it and you and the others you don’t need me. You don’t… not like that I promise you. It’s the last of the connection still trying to force us all back together but I would never leave if I didn’t think you could handle it. Don’t you see? They’ve had us locked in that… that boxed Eden so long but I…”

“The cloud that took the form…”

“There’s no demon, Jack. I promise.”

“I wasn’t talking about me, hm... I was… I was… you say his name in your sleep and I used to think you were awake mocking me but not you, foolish virgin.”

“Jack…”

“And he is the demon bridegroom! So then let us hear the confession of an old friend in hell”

“You don’t need to keep on about him. You’re getting fixated again and you’re fixating on nonsense because he and I can never be together as I’ve told you more than once, Jack!” More stomping, more scuffling, and Garak looks to see Jack’s frantic agitated pacing before he comes to stop yelling into the sky like a man possessed. The entire conversation has deserted him and right now he doesn’t have any answers.

“Will no one rid me of this meddlesome lizard?!” Jack bellows. Julian walks up to him stopping, strangely seeming to shift to the older Julian, but not tired, not defeated, strong, standing tall.

“I won’t let you hurt him.”

“Are you going to come back from the land of the dead to stop me? Hm? Then stifle yourself!”

“Maybe I will,” Julian says with that quiet resolution that makes Garak smile in spite of himself.

“You come back and I kill him.”

“And if I don’t you kill him twice as hard,” Julian finishes with a soft laugh as if they’ve had this conversation more than once. Such morbid gallows humor, you’ve refined. I knew you had potential, my dear. “Get some sleep, Jack. Things will be better in the morning and you’ll know the right thing to do.” Ah, well that’s reassuring, Garak thinks as that seems to mean something to the two actors in the garden sharing more human nuzzling, grooming each other like two primates in the wild. Garak closes his eyes, still, silent, counting up the way he used to do in the closet when it was dark to steady himself and the walls started closing in. The darkness itself poses no threat but he’s also made use of that technique for entering that deep state where his presence blinks out.

He’s only dimly aware of the footsteps as Jack strides past murmuring softly “off with his head.” He’s only dimly aware of a lot of things really, the entire conversation neatly tilting everything upside down in his Julian world view. But first things first, he needs to get that mobile emitter away from Jack.

It’s time that Garak talks to the real Julian.

One day I'll lose this fight

As we fade in the dark

Just remember you will always burn as bright

-My Chemical Romance “The Light Inside your Eyes”

Note: Julian and Jack quote from Baudelaire “The End of the Day” from “Fleurs du Mal”, Lewis Carroll “The Crocodile”, Shakespeare “Twelfth Night”, Poe “Alone”, and Rimbaud “First Delirium” from “A Season in Hell”

(Part 5 is now HERE)

#star trek ds9 #star trek deep space nine #ds9 fanfic #post canon cardassia #Garak/Bashir #garashir #Julian Bashir #Elim Garak #ds9 jack #angst #romance #fanfic #update #cyrelia-j

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