#(aka my therapy day)

[significant-ace-nnoyance]

any 'wait for it' girlies out there? nice nice just wanted to drop by and let you know that you are mentally unwell!! me too :) we can unpack why you latched onto those lyrics as a kid together <3

[actual-changeling]

-"Sick of losing Soulmates", Dodie

[katebeckets]

.

[thehightiefling]

🫠

[skhardwarevers1]

in one of those moods where I don’t feel anything and it freaks me out

[girlyliondragon]

I have online therapy next week and yet I still feel like I have to bottle up shit around others to keep from off my ass, man isn't mental health great. /s

So yeah anyways I'm gonna really hope I don't relapse until then or am pushed to do so. It's just a week away, feels like eons. >.>'''

[orcelito]

of all things, seeing goro and sumi interact makes me wanna work on the next ladue chapter more than anything else the past like 2 weeks

Wild

[softenji]

I love healthy gamer dr k on youtube because all of his youtuber interviews are just thinly veiled excuses for public psychiatry appointments for the content

[rouecentric]

i hope everytime an akiangel fan finds my blog they'll start breaking down crying.

[soggypotatoes]

this meds withdrawal is really fucking with me... i couldn’t leave my room at all today, even to go to the dining room to eat, i just couldn’t get up. i did get up once, but ended up just lying down on the floor staring at the ceiling, and a nurse walking in and was like ‘Wtf’ and got me a yoghurt

it helped, but like... i feel so fucking bad, man.. can’t focus on anything, nothing holds my attention, just feel ... so excrutiatingly bad. my whole body hurts

[klara-rosa]

long story short I went to therapy today feeling really gross and shitty and we did a lot of inner child work and now I feel a little calmer but also like I have mountains and mountains of personal work ahead of me still 🏔🏔🏔

In general the main thing I'm taking away from this current attempt of therapy is actually something my former therapist said to me years ago:

"Sie brauchen mehr Milde für Sie selbst, Klara" 🩷

[nothoughtsjusthoffstrahm]

I would take a laptop to watch a movie, but I'm too tired to do anything rn

[lorax177]

Fun fatphobia fact of the day:

CMS/HCC is a way for insurance companies to estimate how much money a patient will cost to insure, based on the major problems they have.

This is my list of diagnoses.

I blacked out one of them because it is my intersex condition and has to do with my assigned gender, which I don't want to be associated with my online presence. Also, there are a few repeats because doctors will put in their own phrasing, so sometimes when I switch doctors, I get re-diagnosed with the same thing, with slightly different wording. It's also missing a few diagnoses i got as a kid, namely my autism and a comprehensive list of the specific learning disorders I have, because I didn't think they were relevant to a general practitioner and i didn't want them on my record for safety reasons. Anyways, you'll notice that there are several of them that have the aforementioned CMS/HCC label. Those are schizoaffective disorder, major depression (which is part of my sza,) and two counts of "morbid obesity". My adhd, which I need to take two different medications daily to treat sufficiently enough to function, is not labeled as a major disorder, but my size is. Twice!

You'll notice that nowhere on this list is any diagnosis that is supposedly related to my fatness. That is because, metabolically speaking, my health is perfect. My lipids, a1c, blood pressure, pulse, and o2 are all in the excellent range. I am not on any kind of medications for any of these, either. The fact that I have more body tissue than their ideal, which has no bearing on my actual health, is considered more important to address than my neurodevelopmental disorder that requires two expensive medications to treat. They think that I am more of a risk for them because of an imagined bogeyman of a diagnosis ("morbid obesity", aka being fat) than something which actually has real life functional and financial consequences (my severe combined type adhd). Or, for that matter, my ocd, which I needed intensive outpatient therapy for; my transgender identity, which has cost them thousands of dollars in hormones and surgery; my asthma, which requires two medications to treat; and my gerd, which requires one.

I'm not advocating for medical insurance companies to make it harder for people with these diagnoses to get treatment. I'm just pointing out that the medical system sees me as a drain on their resources specifically because of my weight rather than the diagnoses that actually cost them money (albeit with one exception). They think my adipose tissue, which is not causing me any health problems, is more important to note than most of my legitimate health problems.

That is medical fatphobia.

[girlyliondragon]

I've always and still feel like people don't think I notice how they treat me differently from everyone else.

But I do. And I def know some others do too.

Like, listen, when you're me and have been abused and bullied both aggressively and passive aggressively for so many years, like a decade and a half of my life or even more, alongside being abandoned and still struggling to heal alongside being denied that that's not what happened even though it did, you really notice it like a sore thumb looking back at everything.

[alasy]

Social anxiety is through the roofs 📈📈

[happyhauntt]

— april fic recs, brought to you by happyhauntt.

it's that time again! a wee fic rec post for a few of the fics i read in april that altered my brain chemistry!! i've put a lil comment next to each rec because honestly writers don't get praised enough for their work these days and i wanted to show my appreciation for these talented souls!!

criminal minds.

➡ spencer reid.

in every other life by @irndad. notes: adorableness incarnate honestly.

trouble almost all my life series by @januaryembrs. notes: might honestly have to put this on every masterlist til the end of time.

forgiven by @reiding-writing. notes: um HOW DARE YOU i sobbed my way through this

grishaverse.

➡ kaz brekker.

breakfast by @sophierequests. notes: look i'm a simple human i see badass characters and i fall in love

➡ jesper fahey.

i'm your gal by @atlabeth. notes: NOT ENOUGH JESPER FICS and this one is GLORIOUS

star wars.

➡ poe dameron.

the f-word by @the-little-ewok. notes: i reread this constantly pls it's so good

moon knight.

➡ marc spector.

i should've been there by @januaryembrs. notes: not em out here ruining my life and making me sob AGAIN you simply never miss

9-1-1.

➡ evan buckley.

take my hand by @redocity. notes: cute cute cute cute cute

emergency room by redocity. notes: the ANGST i feel well-fed

won't say i'm falling by @borntobewondering. notes: this was DELICIOUS

➡ buck / eddie.

a bleeding sun on a silver screen by @hoediaz / rarakiplin on ao3. notes: i was fully choking back sobs while reading this. i binged this fic in less than 24 hours and it has changed something fundamental inside me. i will never be the same person again. i'm billing you for my therapy.

good luck, babe by @hattalove. notes: i cackled my way through this, potentially the funniest shit ever.

hate to say i spent it all on masquerades by hattalove. notes: i sobbed and sobbed and sobbed while reading this. this fic is everything to me, it should be required reading for all my friends who want to understand me, it is beautiful and magical and i want it tattooed on my face.

don't wanna let you love somebody else but me by @shitouttabuck / fleetinghearts on ao3. notes: sheer adorableness i will well recover from this!!!!

tried and true blue by shitouttabuck / fleetinghearts on ao3. notes: SCREAMING I'M SCREAMING I MAY NEVER STOP SCREAMING

like a dog with a bird at your door by shitouttabuck / fleeting hearts on ao3. notes: iconic. truly iconic. quite possibly one of my fav fics ever written.

let the world have its way with you by shitouttabuck / fleeting hearts on ao3. notes: you don't understand how hard it was not to include every single one of shitouttabuck's fics on this list and there will almost certainly be more in future but i just want them tattooed on my forehead i feel insane

i have dreams where i kiss you and it's pink by shitouttabuck / fleeting hearts on ao3. notes: the cutest and i mean THE CUTEST shit ever

all my shattered oaths by letmetellyouaboutmyfeels on ao3. notes: i sobbed. i sobbed so hard i think i burst something honestly. everything from this author is immaculate but THIS is the holy fuckin grail and i will truly never be the same again.

let my ink stain your pages by letmetellyouaboutmyfeels on ao3. notes: castle au CASTLE AU i'm a sucker for a castle au and this is EVERYTHING

even in winter there is eranthis by letmetellyouaboutmyfeels on ao3. notes: i think about this fic daily.

your love is an oil slick by letmetellyouaboutmyfeels on ao3. notes: this is everything this is EVERYTHING to me i will reread this weekly for the rest of my life

even the darkest night by letmetellyouaboutmyfeels on ao3. notes: stardust au STARDUST AU aka my favourite movie and my favourite ship combined into a fuckin masterpiece

curl up in my heart and let me keep you by letmetellyouaboutmyfeels on ao3. notes: soft sweet my brain is mushy and i adore this

hoping it gets to you by @bucktommys / hammersmiths on ao3. notes: cute adorable stunning MAGNIFICENT

you're my whole house by @/bucktommys / hammersmiths on ao3. notes: THIS FIC OUT HERE MAKIN ME SQUEAL AND KICK MY LEGS

left unsaid by c_m2 on ao3. notes: this is mcfuckin adorable i'm crying buck deserves everything in the world

say yes to heaven by dylaesthetics on ao3. notes: okay full disclosure this made me cry so much i threw up. also it hit some pretty intense trauma for me. still so glad i read it because it was also kinda healing. and i want everyone else to suffer like i have because fuck i suffered.

if i need to rearrange my particles, i will for you by dylaesthetics on ao3. notes: author you will always be famous bc you're knocking my emotional stability OUTTA THE PARK

honestly, truly, completely by dylaesthetics on ao3. notes: simply fuckin adorable

feels like magic by 42hrb on ao3. notes: there's nothing i adore more than an urban fantasy au and this one is EXQUISITE

fallin' into your ocean eyes by princessfbi on ao3. notes: okay every part of this au is absolutely fuckin perfection i am so deeply in love with it

until now by tearsthissideofheaven on ao3. notes: a reincarnation au??? it's like you know how to ruin my life

if i never hear your voice again by @actualalligator. notes: disability rep!!!! brilliant writing!!!!

life sure can try to put love through it by @capseycartwright / wafflesofdoom on ao3. notes: ahahaha ruin my life why don't you

sometimes its hard to see what the future holds by @/capseycartwright / wafflesofdoom on ao3. notes: olympics buddie au??? didn't know i wanted it but now i can't live without it

all good things come to an end (but it's not the end) by @/capseycartwright / wafflesofdoom on ao3. notes: i will, in fact, devour every buddie!fwb au ever written but this one is especially great

you smiled and it was the most beautiful thing that I'd ever seen by @/capseycartwright / wafflesofdoom on ao3. notes: coffee shop!buddie have become everything to me wdym

it's funny 'cause i've always dreamed of me and you by @/capseycartwright / wafflesofdoom on ao3. notes: yes i did sob my heart out reading this and i'll do it again

'cause darling, you're the one by @/capseycartwright / wafflesofdoom on ao3. notes: icymi i think this author is the best author to ever exist and i want to devour everything they write forever

i don't think that we should have friendly sex, anymore by @/capseycartwright / wafflesofdoom on ao3. notes: !!!!!!! that's it that's the note. brain: faye you can't put this many fics by the same author on one masterlist. faye: bET-

still i call it magic (when i'm next to you) by @clusterbuck / lecornergirl on ao3. notes: urban fantasy is, in fact, my shit.

(this kiss is) something i can't resist by @/clusterbuck / lecornergirl on ao3. notes: NO BC THIS HAD ME CACKLING AND ALSO IT'S BRILLIANT

give me five more minutes, baby (i'm not finished loving you) by @/clusterbuck / lecornergirl on ao3. notes: fake dating or immaculate writing??? both

cuffing season by @/clusterbuck / lecornergirl on ao3. notes: i am still laughing at this and i may never stop