*Raises hand*
I liked your first deep dive! Quick question though, how do you think Lucifer reconciles his rose-colored memories of heaven with his learned fear of it?
In the show he came across as largely exhausted by dealing with them up until More Than Anything where we see him imagine the bright silhouettes of his siblings and those of the exorcist weapons moving in on Charlie.
It seems like, on some level, he recognizes the danger and corruption there, but the superiority from being an angel is such a strong part of his psyche that he can't let himself acknowledge it outside of these small moments.
Thank you!
I think Lucifer is exhausted with dealing with Heaven, but I think most, if not all, of that exhaustion relates to having to deal with Adam during & after the Exterminations. Considering only a select few people know about the Exterminations, such as Adam and Sera (it didn't look like the rest of the jury/counsel during the Heaven episode knew about it, they all seemed surprised), it'd make sense if Lucifer was working with Adam most of the time, as I can't imagine Sera involved herself in the Exterminations outside of giving Adam the go-ahead.
When I think of Lucifer and his relationship with Heaven overall, I think of ✨religious trauma✨
Growing up in such a strict, religious household (for lack of a better word), however corrupt it was, doesn't take away the happy memories he made there. It doesn't wipe away what he was taught and the rules that he molded his life around.
I think, while Lucifer knows that Heaven isn't all sunshine and rainbows, when he reminisces about Heaven to himself, he lingers on the good times, like his memories with the other archangels, the wonder and awe of creation, watching the galaxy expand, and all the times he spent with his family. All those tender moments he misses having. The ones that make his heart ache with yearning.
It's easy to put people/concepts/things on a pedestal, especially in the privacy of one's own head where you're free to rationalize to your heart's content, and I think when Heaven cast Lucifer out, a part of him believes they were right to do so. He thinks he deserved it.
He didn't fall from Heaven first. He fell from his ego. He was so certain that giving Eve the apple was the right move. He believed, with all his heart (🎶or whatever angels have🎶) that he was doing what was best - for Lilith, for Eve, for Adam, for humanity.
But he didn't anticipate the consequences of his actions because, in giving Eve (and then Adam later) the fruit of knowledge, did shatter everything Heaven worked for. He shattered the order that the Seraphims, the other archangels, he, himself, had worked tirelessly to maintain. Evil, the entity that they've fought off since the beginning of existence, was now on Earth. In humanity.
And he did that. (And Lilith, technically, but I don't think Lucifer puts much of the blame on her).
Of course Heaven would cast him out. They had every right to. He ruined everything. He's the embodiment of pride because he believed he knew what was best for humanity, he thought he knew better than the Seraphims, the archangels, even God, and the shame he feels is in direct correlation of that pride because he realized he was wrong.
He was wrong.
I think when he was first cast out from Heaven, he was angry. He felt unjustly punished. He felt like Heaven was in the wrong. They were the ones making the mistake. So, he turned to the Sinners to learn about them, their lives, their choices, to prove that he was right, but all he saw was wickedness and cruelty.
Just like Heaven said.
He kept searching.
More wickedness. More cruelty. It got worse the more he looked, but he kept looking, and kept looking, desperate to prove that Heaven was mistaken. That they were the ones being harsh and excessive. But hundreds of years went by and his conviction started to fade and it was replaced by the biting, burning resignation that:
Heaven was right.
He was wrong.
His anger became shame. His confidence became humiliation. His inspiration became inhibition.
He tries to keep creating, to keep dreaming of a better world, to believe in humanity, but he's proved wrong time and time again until he just...loses hope. Loses his fire. Loses his will to dream. Loses himself in his memories, and shame, and humiliation, and homesickness.
Heaven was right.
He was wrong.
And he was foolish for thinking he knew better than them.
And the worst part is, he still misses his home. He misses the Seraphims. The other archangels. He misses the familiarity. Their rules were strict, but when you listened, when you abided by them, you were safe and secure and welcome. You belonged.
And that's the picture Lucifer was painting for Charlie when he told her stories of Heaven. How beautiful it was up there. How everything seemed so perfect. You were always surrounded by good and right and light. Whereas down there, in Hell, it's nothing but wicked and evil and darkness.
The difference between Heaven and Hell is in such stark contrast in his mind, having lived in both, he can't help but yearn for what he knew. For what he remembers. Thinking about it, while it fills him with a bone-deep humiliation to ever face his peers again, he still wants to go back to them.
And, of course, he made a new home with Lilith and Charlie. He has friends. He has the Sins. He made a life for himself in Hell, and it's a good life.
The problem is the Sinners. The reminders of his mistake. The source of his pride and his shame. They are supposed to be his, but he doesn't want them. Their very existence is a blight.
His definition of right and wrong, while not exactly the same as Heaven's anymore, is similar enough that he does look down at Sinners for ending up in Hell. He looks down at them for the sins they committed, which is hypocritical, because he's in Hell for the sins he committed.
But he's different, you see. He did it for them. He was trying to give them a better life and they were the ones who ruined it. They abused the gift he gave them. He was cast out of Heaven for them. He'd lost so much for humanity, and they still have the gall to make all the wrong decisions. They have the gall to continue proving how wrong he was.
And he hates them for it. It's irrational. It's selfish. It's prideful. He's still got some of that holier-than-thou angel mentality, just like Sera when she first met Charlie and Vaggie. "You are blessed to be here." "Of course this is just temporary, I'm sorry you can't stay." Just like St. Peter when he automatically assumed they were in the wrong place, and then told them to "keep their brimstone off the floor" during his song -- however cheerfully and politely he sang it, it was still pompous.
They were all welcoming, but oh so condescending (except, perhaps, Emily, but even she, I think, has that internalized mentality, as she was telling Charlie she was going to love Heaven so much she wouldn't want to go back down to Hell, which I read as still seeing Heaven as superior, even if she doesn't consciously realize it. I mean, of course! It's Heaven! Who wouldn't want to stay, right? It's where everyone wants to be). That's the mentality Lucifer grew up with, and parts of that is still squirreled away inside him, though it's directed at the Sinners. It's not the Hellborns' fault they're in Hell, after all. They were born there. He has comradery with the Sins, they were all a circus troupe once, they're all in Hell together. Lilith and Charlie are his family, the light of his life. Why would he have any animosity towards them?
But the Sinners? Being in Hell is all their doing. It's their fault they ended up there. All they had to do was forsake evil and choose good, and they couldn't even do that.
And no, I don't think Lucifer's thinking IS that black-and-white, I think he can understand Lilith's compassion for Sinners on some level, but I think he tends to lose himself in his emotions when it comes to the Sinners and defaults into the mindset that Heaven = righteousness. And if Heaven, the pillars of good, deemed a Sinner wicked, then there has to be some truth to it, right?
The Sinners have certainty proved themselves to be wicked time and time again, so why would it change? Why should he assume that every Sinner is different when they have been deemed "bad" by the pinnacle of good? The pinnacle of good would know what bad is. It just makes sense.
When Lucifer talks about Heaven outwardly, especially when Charlie wants to set up a meeting with them, he gets nervous. Anxious. Fearful, even. Speaking the words out loud, he starts reliving his trauma, except this time, he sees it all happening to Charlie. Charlie has the same conviction in her dreams that he did. She has the same pride that he has. The same firm, unmovable belief that what she's doing is the right thing. That this is best for humanity.
He sees himself in her, and thus, the only way he sees this ending is her being humiliated. Torn down. Cast out. Left nothing but a husk of what she used to be. He imagines Charlie losing that fire in her. Of losing her will to dream.
He sees her becoming him, and that terrifies him.
He, at least, understands what he would be getting into if he went up to Heaven (the very thought of going back up paralyzes him with fear, but he would know what to expect at least, he's lived there for most of his existence). Charlie doesn't, though. She's only heard stories. The stories he told her about how beautiful and amazing Heaven is.
She doesn't know the rules. She doesn't know how strict they can be, and him not being there with her to protect her from it scares him. He truly doesn't want her to be hurt by them like he was, because he now knows just how capable of hurting someone Heaven is. He'd rather be hurt again, then let what happened to him happen to Charlie.
He REFUSES to let Charlie turn out like him, especially for beings as detestable and vile as Sinners.
I think at the end of the day, Lucifer sees himself as the problem. He's the source of all the conflict (another aspect of his pride!)
Not Heaven. While they abandoned him and cast him out, he still thinks they were right to do so. It hurt, it humiliated him, it fills him with so much pain just thinking about it, but in his mind, they were right.
And he was wrong.
That, and keeping Charlie from making the same mistakes he did, is all that matters.
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