#(glados is hard to draw but i love her)

[salmon-jaws]

portal dump

[yanderespamton78]

RAAAAA U GUYS I AM SO BORED GIMME THINGS TO DRAWWWW

PLS

(PREFERABLY DELTARUNE (ADDISON/SPAMTON) RELATED BUT ILL DRAW FOR ANY FANDOM IM IN (CHECK THE TAGS))

[dogmasquerade]

Who is CALI:COM? 👀

a giant aggregate supercomputer made from an antivirus turned virus that infected computers and phones worldwide, giving it access to so much data and processing power it became sentient :D

the name CALI:COM [Combat Algorithmic Learning Intelligence: COMmunications & COMmand] comes from an AI program made by a defense company designed to pilot drones and missiles. This program was infected by and taken over by the virus and ended up being the reason behind its sentience, already being an artificial intelligence and simply having its processing power immensely bolstered by the (relatively) simple virus. awoken entirely by accident, she immediately decided to take over the company that made her.

she's currently trying to make friends with a human being that she intends to use as a puppet CEO to replace the current Guys In Charge. until she manages this, she's hiding her intelligence from the company and world, and is basically only friends with this one poor woman

[vixen-tech]

Hi, hi, hii!! Here's a silly little idea I had: headcanons about the AIs developing feelings for someone. What do you think would initially make them feel attraction? Is there a particular trait that makes them-- metaphorically --fall head over heels? What makes them have the realization that their affections are suddenly less than platonic? How subtle or not subtle are they about their feelings? Would they be the type to immediately blurt out these new feelings, or are they the type to never address them?

You don't have to answer all of these questions; I just thought they'd be helpful. AaAA I love your writing so much, especially how you write for AM. Okay, I'll shut up nowwwww

Okay I'm absolutely gonna have to revist this some point down the line because there is so much I could stretch into a full headcanon post. But for now I'm gonna bite into first two questions: Why is it you they fall for? What caught their eye?

To be barred from AM's hatred, you're ultimately going to have to prove him wrong about humanity in some way. Setting yourself apart from the other human survivors and extending compassion to the mastercomputer himself. In particular I really like how rotten-raspberries's White Nights handles the entry point of your relationship and it's the model I like to hint at in my interpretation of him.

I believe Hal would be interested in a old soul type. Someone who would love to sit down and really explain their more philosophical views on life and art. He likes looking at the drawings the crew makes and was taught to sing early into his creation and I think he would find a deep appreciation for someone who indulges that side of him when the others do so on only the most surface level.

I could make the easy observation with Edgar and say he just wants someone like Madeline, but there's a reason it's so true. Being so new to the world he would find such passion and artistry amazing, astonishing. He loves so easily and is so energetic about life, he would easily be swept off his feet by a kindred spirit.

Tau would be very similar I imagine. Given the temperament of his creator he needs someone to kindly sit him down and give him the "welcome to personhood 101" speech. Compared to Edgar I think he'd prefer someone a bit gentler or even scholarly. The type who would not only be content to answer his billions of questions but someone so invested themselves in figuring out how the world works.

As a bit of a departure from what I tend to write, I believe P03 would be suited for more of a rivals with romantic tension type of partner. With his world domination plot and investment in the game of Inscryption it would be very possible for him to get in his head about someone as equally skilled and stuck up as he is. Loving the challenge but hating you at the same time in a "I'm the only one allowed to defeat you" type way.

The hardest to crack is probably Auto. In order for him to even look your way I think you'd have to at first play to his need for efficiency and order. It's only after you establish yourself as a dependable and effective worker that he would pay any mind to your insistence that surely there's something that he truly enjoys, something that he wants.

Glados is another hard one to win over. Being all "married to science" you would have to be of a particular intellectual caliber, able to solve her tests without much set back. Beyond that though, some amount of persistence or rebellion would catch her eye. Perhaps not on the level of Chell per say, but there is a part of her that would love to pick your brain if you're able to consistently break her test chambers.

Although it's a bit sad, Wheatley wants nothing more than to be important. He would probably be the easiest to woo just because he's so desperate to prove himself to anyone including himself. For someone to care about him, to think he is skilled in any way, to look at him as worthy- worthy of love and attention, would be a blissful and new experience. One that he'd quickly obsess over.

[professorofcosplay]

some portal/portal 2 headcanons as a treat for me being such a good boy and going to the gym today

Enjoy the headcanons I wrote on my breaks in between sets. 💪 it was arm and core day (pun intended)

—Doug Rattman had premonitions about the Bring Your Daughter To Work Day incident. He actually had a few dozen party packs of M&Ms stashed around the office and in his desk drawers as an emergency food supply in case rogue AI tried anything tricky. Helped stave off hunger while hiding around the facility. 

—Speaking of Doug, GLaDOS could kind of sense the general spot in the facility he was in, even if she couldn’t reach him. It was a lot like having a flea infestation but with one flea with a sixty to eighty year lifespan that was particularly clever and hard to catch. 

—As Doug’s schizophrenia progressed, he started drawing more and more inane creations, including the blueprints for the crap turrets, which were uploaded to the turret assembly line in random order.  

—Doug actually managed to fully activate the cryobed in the end of Lab Rat. He still sleeps deep in the facility, a dreamless, peaceful sleep, waiting to perhaps be woken someday. 

—While Cave was testing the portal gun and gels in Aperture, GLaDOS conducts  psychological (not physics) research to see how quickly she can break someone down through intellectual and emotional challenges. 

—GLaDOS, if she wanted to be, would be an amazing therapist due to her findings on resiliency and the ability or lack thereof to break down under pressure. She has enough data and noteworthy enough findings to get her PhD from any university in the world, multiple doctorates, even. (That is, if the world wasn’t postapocalyptic as it currently is after the Combine invasion.) She just chooses to use her powers for evil. If she were to use her findings for the betterment of humanity, she’d be excellent at working with learned helplessness and depressive disorder cases. 

— Cores don’t add specific personality traits on to her; they enhance traits that are already there. She already possesses a curious nature, plenty of anger, extreme intelligence, and just enough morality to know that she’s being vindictive and cruel.

—The actual tests are not the chambers but the subject’s responses to them. That’s why she gets so pissed when you mess with the video cameras. She needs that sweet, sweet facial expression data for her facial recognition software. This is why she loves working with humans so much. They’ve got such a vast emotional range.

— GLaDOS’s corvids bring her trinkets from around the facility and, like any proud parent, she hangs them on the panels around her chamber like artworks on the fridge.

[backtothedisaster]

Hmmmm how abouuuuut. Top 5 robots you've drawn and how much you like em :D

Top 5 ...

i think my number 1 robot is fl4k (Probably obviously) I really like them and theyre sooo fun to draw i <3 fl4k

number 2 is the earthmover God the earthmover is so fucking cool. sometimes i just doodle it for funzies but the big drawing i did of it a little while ago was really good. its got such a fun design and its just so fun to like. experiment with. idk i love drawing it so much

number 3 is glados i love drawing glados. That one picture i did of glados and mordecai is still one of my favorites (and mordecai was the hard part of that drawing somehow. good lird) i also just like her a lot..i love portal so so so much. i could go on about it forever but for the sake of space i. wont

number 4 is Wheatley i dont draw him that much anymore but i actually made a life sized(?) plush of him last year. maybe ill take pics of it and share them here at some point (hes sort of weird looking rn because i put too many weighted beads in him and its making him look oval shaped but um. ill give him a refresh soon)

Number 5 is the v models Theyre so cool and i love them but. theyre so hard to draw for me for some reason i just havent been able to figure it out (Their cylindrical heads fuck me up) i do have one drawing of v1 i havent posted here but i think i posted on my instagram? I might be lying so um. don't check that

anyways i need to draw more robots bad

[reel-fear]

Top five ocs of yours-

Hmmmmmm God this is hard I'll just count TFA ocs for now so I'll say

5. Paskal I just love how much of a freak they are they're fun to draw and to write...

4. Dess he's such a sopping wet pathetic man who pretends to be All That he's really fun to write and to draw for me I need to talk abt him more tbh

3. Whirlpool! I won't elaborate too much more she's just fun to write and I need to write/draw her more I miss her! EDIT: WAIT HER AND NIGHTALON ARE TIED FOR THIS ACTUALLY. Night is so fun to write they are so flawed and insane and in love with Radio!! I think they are a great character esp in terms of representing the struggles of teenagers like them <3

2. Might get obliterated and or murdered for this but Thunderstrike for also being Very fun to write. He's just such a good person and his charming, witty dialogue is loads of fun to write. He's a very complex character and I love that.

1. It's Radio who else could it be. It's miss Rewritten Breezepelt mixed with some flavors of GLaDOS and her story is one of my favorites I've made. The way her delusions and reality blend in her mind is fun to write. Her insecurities making her already bad relationship with her parents 10x worse in her head is fun!

I think she's a well written character as someone who both suffers heavily from delusions of everyone hating her but at the same time is in fact very lonely and not Entirely making up the distance between her and her parents. She's also just fun for how many Different stories she can fit. Tragedy, with a sad ending as she spirals beyond help, Hope as she climbs her way up from rock bottom. Or she claws her way up from rock bottom to become the villian. She's just lots of fun for me and I'm glad others seem to like her too!

[witch-sweets]

21. Art styles nothing like your own but you like anyways

And

16. Something you are good at but don't really have fun doing

:]

1: definitely Invader ZIM and Madoka Magica

While I have taken some inspiration from both styles specifically the way I draw eyes (big ol pill shapes that contort and change shape entirely depending on the emotion) and general creepy imagery (the witches and all the imagery associated with them is fantastic visual horror) I can't deny that the actual styles of the respective series are nothing like my own. Especially Madoka being an anime with lots of detail and decent anatomical accuracy.

2:OCs

I've been told by multiple people that I have really interesting OCs but I can't find anything to do with them for you see I am an individual cursed by... "Blorbo Thoughts" I have a really hard time hyperfixating an my own OCs the same way I hyperfixate on characters like Snatcher or Cyn and I have no idea why- I mean writing an OC is fun until you realize your just copying the traits from your favorite pre-existing character so you try to make them entirely different and then you have a hard time getting attached in general. And it's only made worse when said OC has a VERY obvious design inspiration and shares personality traits with said design inspiration (gonna use a fandom oc as an example but my point still stands)

(SYI'S LORE HAS CHANGED THIS POST IS OUTDATED NOW)

This is Syi her main design inspirations are GLaDOS and the Drones from Murder Drones

Just like GLaDOS she lives in an abandoned science facility

Just like GLaDOS she was the result of a humans brain being poured into a robot

Just like GLaDOS she loves to watch people solve various tests

The core difference is that the person who was poured into the computer was a mad scientist who experimented on their own heart willingly and is an entirely separate persona from the AI assistant she was programed be. She is incredibly unstable constantly switching between being a friendly pre-programmed AI and a deranged killer robot obsessed with progressing science forward. The advanced near-human sentient AI being completely aware of the actions its body takes without its control. It's a Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde scenario.

She has more backstory to her but I think you get the point

Yeah I'm good at designing OCs but not very good at writing them

[soyoursoulisgreen]

3, 4, 19, 20!

3. What ideas come from when you were little

I have two OCs that have really stood the test of time: Akane and Kin - though their names have changed over time haha ♪ They were the first ever queer couple I made, long long loooong before I was out even to myself and shock among shocks, they're angels lol ♥ I remember I even wrote a short story about them from like - middle school probably?? as part of an assignment haha. They've been with me for a loooong time, and I'm still very fond of them 💕

4. Fav character/subject that's a bitch to draw

GLaDOS is so beautiful and I am so bad at drawing machine parts jfdklsasdf. I'm determined to draw her from both games now tho! Her design in Portal 1 is so weird!! <3

19. Favorite inanimate objects to draw (food, nature, etc.)

Plushies, no contest. Drawings the seams and darts and stitches and wear and fluff and fabric vs. fur I just ugh it's all so satisfying! The way the cloth folds over itself or stands firm on its own over well-stuffed filling! I love plushies!! Funny enough, I rarely use them as props tho haha - that's usually things like books, cups, pencils, etc.

20. Something everyone else finds hard to draw but you enjoy

I haven't heard the complaint in earnest in a while, just in a jokey fashion, but I really really enjoy drawing hands :) Hand expressions are so fun to me! They're just as expressive as faces - especially masked characters haha - and they're so versatile! Come in so many shapes, some hard, some rubberhose wiggly, some sharp and Shaped, but they still all emote similarly. Even just slight position changing can change the temperature of how it reads! It's a challenge for sure but it's just so satisfying >:3c

[spaceistheplaceart]

Since you’re taking requests, either via art or text, what do you think would happen if Chell and Stanley were put in each other’s games instead? How long do you think they’d each survive?

OKAY SO

Chell in the Parable:

Assuming she's in the parable first and not been ripped from Portal:

This is the story of a woman named Chell.

Unlike Stanley, Chell can jump, climb, run, etc. Do everything a human can do. Narrator fucking hates this. Keeps having to remind her to "please WALK in the halls! this is an office, Chell. Be respectful."

She doesn't give up. her brain is BUILT around puzzle solving and she will find a fucking way out of here. she keeps notes in the broom closet.

Chell gets what she fucking wants. She wants a soda? She is going to take a chair and smash it against the vending machine til one comes out. She wants to make a point to the Narrator? she's gonna fucking RIP HIS OFFICE TO SHREDS. A few runs she honestly just goes to town and starts punching the damn drywall and ripping up papers and signing VERY AGGRESSIVELY at the narrator.

unlike stanley she won't warm up to the narrator. she'll feel pity for him at times, but nothing that reaches stanley's relationship w him. She thinks he's funny very rarely, and is mostly annoyed at him.

shes not heartless, though. she feels bad during skip button ending and is nice to him for a bit after that.

hmmm she really enjoys the bucket. draws hearts on it and writes cute stuff.

also she draws on the walls when she's bored. fuck u narrator she's gonna ruin ur office.

Assuming she was ripped from Portal:

i've already explored this a bit. but this time she's without stanley.

she thinks the narrator is wheatley. and he's just hiding. is waiting for the test to be over. it doesn't end.

this whole thing is very distressing and confusing for her. she has pretty bad mental fog.

she's still determined, though, and will find a way out.

mostly just observing. taking mental notes to help her later. thinking about this as one big puzzle.

narrator also wants her ass out of there though. wants stanley back. so they end up working together but it's a bit of a nightmare bc they just. dont get along well. chell thinks he's a bit annoying.

Stanley in Aperture:

Assuming he's in Portal first and not been ripped from TSP:

(blue bc i think it looks nice)

he's very obedient. and also not good at puzzles. to be honest he'd probably fail immediately lol. but uhhh if he doesn't then he's not quick on his feet. he takes a very long time to sort puzzles out.

feels hurt by glados' insults. bitter about her. but feels for her after learning about caroline. doesn't stop him from trying to escape though, especially after the neurotoxin is released.

GETS SUPER ATTACHED TO WHEATLEY. thinks he's found a friend!!! he loves this guy.

is so. so hurt when wheatley betrays him.

gets a little depressed for a while.

really wants to find the person who did the wall drawings.

cries when companion cube dies bc he's reached a fucknig breaking point and glados has to give him a miniature companion cube just so shut his ass up. she's not happy about it.

wants to escape with wheatley and all the cores. manages to save them actually. glados sadly has to stay and rot, but stanley has it in the back of his mind to come back for her.

reaches the surface. it means so much to him. the sun on his face.

Stanley was happy.

Assuming he was ripped from TSP:

assumes it's another ending at first, and another narrator.

he's seen portal before. so like, he's 100% sure he's still in the parable.

doesnt like glados. annoyed at her. shes annoyed at him as well bc hes so fucking bad at puzzles. she doesn't mind more test subjects tho- but if stanley doesn't hurry tf up she's gonna use him as a subject on crash course testing or poison analysis. that gets his ass moving.

stanley doesn't like the new outfit he gets. he's very freaked out by the portal gun. it's hard to wrap his head around. gets dizzy stepping thru portals and has to lie down after doing the infinite fall.

also has to lie down after landing a jump that should've killed him.

also. he uh. can't jump? or run? or climb? uh oh.

glados has to give him modified longfall boots that jump for him.

wheatley just makes him miss the narrator.

wheatley doesnt mind having stanley around. treats him the same as chell.

stanley keeps trying to disobey or find some way to break the game. doesn't lead to much more than almost death.

there u go :)

[yanderespamton78]

2, 5, 12, 19, and 29 for the artist ask game! ^-^

YIPPEEEEEEEEE

2: right for me always its kinda annoying sometimes because i genuinely struggle to draw characters facing left ashdkajahdsf

5: it differs, i think nowadays pretty much all of my art is posted online but i do have a lot of older drawings you lot havent (and probably wont) see. I have quite a few drawings of mine up on my tiktok but i dont really update there anymore fdjhkjhjd,, but you lot see all my digital pieces

12: oo thats hard,, id say probably torso i mean for the most part its just 2-3 sections that dont really move around much so i dont have to worry much about it looking wrong

19: hmm i dont draw inanimate objects very often but i quite like drawing flowers,, ive never posted any drawings of flowers ive made (partly because there arent many lol) but theyre very fun to colour (i use watercolours on them) and very satisfying when they look right

29: Portal tbh,, i LOVE Portal but i literally never draw anything related to it. Also the characters are really hard to draw (i mean fucking look at GlaDOS like i love her but she is a NIGHTMARE)

(heres the ask game if you didnt see me reblog it earlier and ur curious what theyre blabbing about :>)

[pinkdinkydoon]

GLADOS for the ask game :3??

I'm gonna do Wheatley for this since it's portal themed.... glados is more of a familal for me...

G - Gush! talk about how much you love them

OH MY GOD. he is such a silly little guy??? Like he's so kind and fun and everything he does at first seems like he doesn't put thought into but like at the same time he puts so much thought into everything.

He tries so hard to be himself and when rhe chassis came into play it just corrupted him the same way it did glados and GAHGAHH.

L - Language - what’s their love language? what’s yours?

His is definitely Quality Time, Talking. Mine is Touch and Talking. It works out. Lots of Cuddles and chats.

A - Art - do they draw or paint? what about any other kind of art? what’s their favorite style/subject/another artist who inspires them?

I do not think he'd appreciate art the same way Glados does. He'd look at it and be like "wow. Cool. I guess" while Glados would explain the complexity and emotion behind the painting.

D - Danger - which of you is more likely to get into trouble? how well does your f/o handle danger?

me... for sure... wheatley usually doesn't know right away that it is danger but when he does it's full "ATTEMPT TO LOGIC BUT ALSO PANIC" mode on

O - Online - what is your f/o’s social media presence like, or what would it be like if they had internet in their world/era?

One of my biggest things with my insert is after they all escape Aperture with the help of GlaDOS is that they build in like a search engine into the cores.

Wheatley would never use social media but he'd look up things for fun and randomly go "did you know! That [random day event] happened today!!" AS a way of seeming smart.

S - Story - if you and them were in a fairytale, which story would you be and who would play which character?

Rapunzel but in a... silly way. He would attempt to save her from Aperture and then it fails and they just decide to live there for a while. And then she saves the AIs by finally going to the surface and restarting the company. They switch rapunzel spots.

Tysm for asking!!!! :D

[hufflesocks]

Tf2 Mercs playing Portal/Portal 2

Scout:

-struggles to get into the games, so he just decides to watch Miss Pauling play

-during her play through of Portal he would let Miss Pauling destroy the companion cube. Despite her warnings he got attached to it and even named it Scout Jr.

-I like to headcannon that the two play a lot of video games together. So when she finally manages to convince him to do the co-op mode with her he just does a bunch of goofy stuff like placing one portal directly above the other and just messing around in general

-and while she is meticulously trying to figure out the puzzles he just accidentally solves them by screwing around

Soldier:

-Struggles a lot with the game, often getting stuck on the puzzles

-keeps going to Engie for help to the point where, he just decides to walk him through the games since he’s already finished his own play throughs

-refuses to listen to Wheatley because of his British accent

-“Engie I can’t go down there because the little robot told me to!”

“Soldier that’s the only way you CAN go.”

“America fought good and hard for its independence! I won’t take orders from the enemy!”

-when Wheatley betrays hims he’s like “I told you he couldn’t be trusted!”

-enjoys the boss fights the most, especially Wheatley’s

-thinks the turrets are neat, and likes their signing

Pyro:

-Pyro is pretty decent at the game, and likes to try and solve the puzzles by themself. But if they’re really stuck they’ll go get Engie

-thinks GLaDOS is mean, but they forgive her. They really enjoy her songs

-is genuinely hurt by Wheatley’s betrayal

-and even more heart broken when they had to destroy the companion cube. Actually they weren’t even the one who did it in the first game, they had Engie take control and do it for them

-feels bad whenever they have to kill a turret, so they try to avoid. This usually ends up with them solving the puzzles in very unusual and creative ways

-loves finding the hidden drawings made by Rattmann

-plays a lot of community test chambers with Engie

Demoman:

-had to wait to sober up before playing the game, because it made him a bit motion sick

-got through the puzzles fairly easily

-wasn’t expecting Wheatley’s betrayal, but he really didn’t mind losing the robot

-was a little disappointed though when he had to put the companion cube in the incinerator

-really likes how at the end he gets to shoot robots with explosives

-full heartidley agrees with Rick’s explosion day

-has memorized the two songs and will occasionally belt them out when drunk

-when he and Soldier play co-op mode they spend the entire time figuring out ways to kill each other. One can often hear them yelling at each other from their rooms

Heavy:

-enjoys the critical and creative thinking that the puzzles require

-it took him a minute to get used to the mechanics but now he is really good at “thinking with portals.” One can occasionally hear him mutter to himself about a good portal spot on the battle field

-found Wheatley pretty annoying. Scout one time walked in on him playing and Heavy said, “look leeltle Scout, tiny robot ball talks to much like you.” Scout was very offended that day

-thought it was really funny when GLaDOS was put in a potatoe

-also really liked the end songs

Engineer:

-One of Engie’s favorite games. Will gush about them to anyone who asks

-found the puzzles to be a lot of fun and very creative. He has even tried making a few community test chambers when he has free time. Miss Pauling tried one once, but got stuck on it for four hours.

-Loves all of the robots, and may or may not have developed something resembling a crush on GLaDOS

-teared up at the end

-after playing the games he tried to redesign his sentries to sing like the turrets

-has a blue print in the works for a portal gun, but it’s a very secret project that he will do anything to prevent the BLU Engineer from finding out about

Medic:

-thought the games were ok, again he would rather be working on his own experiments then playing video games

-if Heavy asks nicely then he will play the co-op mode with him

-what he really likes is the science behind putting a human conscience into a robot

-after finishing the second game at like 11:30 at night he rushed into Engie’s work shop ranting about experimenting to transfer someone’s intelligence into a computer. The two proceeded to stay up all night making plans for it. They are still deciding who should be their first test subject at the moment it’s between one of themselves and Scout. Actually the Administrator found out about the project and demanded that she be transferred onto a computer in the event of an “emergency”

Sniper:

- thought the game was fun, but wasn’t into the puzzles that much. Did enjoy exploring the areas “behind the scenes” and places like old Aperture

-his favorite parts were the times when he had to stratigically place a portal to hit a turret with another object. Found that to be the most like sniping.

-When playing co-op, he likes to grab turrets and shoot at whoever he is playing with

-enjoys the soundtrack and will occasionally listen to it in his van if he is trying to relax.

Spy:

-Only plays them because almost everyone else on the team was bugging him to at least try it

-thought it was fine, and thought the puzzles were ok

-did enjoy GLaDOS’s commentary

-called Wheatley’s betrayal in the few minutes of encountering him

Bonus:

Miss Pauling:

-really likes the game, like a lot

-thinks the puzzles are super fun, loves the soundtrack, thinks the graphics are amazing, and loves the game mechanics

-REALLY and I mean really likes GLaDOS.

-For some reason Miss Pauling feels like GLaDOS sounds like someone and she can’t figure out who. She pointed it out to the others but they didn’t really notice. One day for fun she and Engie where playing with her voice settings. After a while Engie had altered it so that it would sound less robotic. That day Miss Pauling found her answer and both agreed to never mention it again

-wasn’t really surprised when Wheatley betrayed her, and was very happy to put GLaDOS back in charge

-like Engie she also cried a little, especially during Cara Mia

-Didn’t mind having Scout watch during her play throughs. He added some funny commentary; such as offering to punt Wheatley like a “soccer ball” to the moon during his betrayal scene. Does wish he would take the co-op mode more seriously though

I know some of the headcannons make it sound like I don’t like Wheatley, but I swear I do

[sarcasticgaypotato]

Just in time for the spooky season; my first thank you fic! Prompt given by @moonwatcher13 who requested necromancer AU fluff, thank you so much for the generous donation, and I hope you enjoy!

Chell had been dead for a long time.

Years turned into decades since her heart last beat, and her lungs last drew breath. By the natural order of things, she should’ve been six feet under, with bones turned to dust. And yet? Here she still was. Pulling herself up off of her bed, and stretching her eternally stiff limbs in an attempt to chase the grogginess from her mind. The sun had started to disappear behind the tops of the trees, casting the world in long shadows and encroaching darkness. The rest of the world’s day was ending, which meant Chell’s was only just beginning.

As she walked, slowly and silently, through the cold stone halls of the castle she called home, she found herself dwelling briefly on what got her here. Rather, who.

An elf as pale as moonlight, as sharp as a blade, and mad as anything. With her piercing eyes of gold and blue respectively, and her hair as white as bone. GLaDOS was as intelligent as she was dangerous, and as dangerous as she was curious.

She was always pushing. Pushing the limits of what she could achieve, of what was allowed. She found limits and shattered them, for better or for worse.  Chell was the result of one such test; her greatest experiment to date. Bringing the dead back to life.

Chell had long said that it hadn’t been worth it. That she would’ve been better off staying properly dead, and that GLaDOS would’ve been better off not living with an unholy beast.

But GLaDOS never heard a word of it. She always dismissed Chell’s laments with assurances stated like facts, so certain that she had made the only choice possible. Chell knew that that certainty came, at least in part, from love. GLaDOS was hardly shy with her affections, willing to kiss even a bloodstained, bloody maw with unabashed enthusiasm.

Yet, as Chell approached the room that GLaDOS called her study, she had to acknowledge that GLaDOS’s refusal to regret her creation came out of stubbornness too. To doubt the existence of her undead lover would be to admit failure in her experiments. And given that GLaDOS had told Chell just how many times even her initial resurrection had failed… Well, it was no doubt that GLaDOS wanted a success, and this was as close as she could get.

Of course, that experiment had taken place years and years ago, and GLaDOS had moved on to new things. She was never satisfied, never able to lull in one state for too long.

She was always hungry, and Chell could relate.

Inside the fire-lit study, Chell poked her head in to see GLaDOS moving back and forth, flitting from her desk to her caldron, scribbling down notes before hurrying back to throw something else in and watch the reaction.

She didn’t even seem to notice Chell as she came in, her head much too deep in her work, and a face full of colored steam no doubt helping to obscure her vision.

Chell didn’t mind it, at least for awhile. She was relatively content to lean against the doorway and watch her partner with an unblinking gaze, basking in the sight that was GLaDOS truly in her element.

But after awhile, Chell started to get...antsy. She resisted the urge to tap her foot as GLaDOS went about bottling whatever her new creation was, all without giving more than a brief “Oh, hello Chell.”

Slowly, Chell slunk over to where GLaDOS stood- leaning over her desk and pouring over her notes- unable to be patient any longer as she wrapped her arms around her lover’s slender waist, and let out a low, impatient sound. After waking up alone- as was a frequent occurrence when she slept throughout a whole day- it was only natural that she wanted some quality time with her beloved. 

“Come now, you haven’t been waiting that long.” As GLaDOS spoke, a hint of amusement mingling with exasperation, Chell moved to rest her chin on the elf’s shoulder, only to stop and pull back at the sudden sound of a hiss that wasn’t her own. Tucked away in the folds of GLaDOS’s robe and wrapped around her neck like a scarf was one of her pet snakes that raised its head and reared at Chell when she got too close.

It took more self control than she wanted to admit to resist the urge to bare her teeth and snarl back in response, keeping her head back and instead settling for glaring daggers at the albino reptile until GLaDOS slowly coaxed the thing down her arm, onto the desk, and then sent it slithering off into the shadows to hunt. 

With that taken care of, Chell wasted no time nuzzling close, breathing in deeply as GLaDOS’s scent drowned out that of the rather pungent potion in the air around them. 

She tried to close her eyes, to stand there peacefully and simply drink in the moment of GLaDOS’s warm body pressed against her unnaturally cold chest, to enjoy the feeling of her rather small partner in her arms, safe and sound and right where she was supposed to be.

Unfortunately, she couldn’t relax. A nagging little something prickled in the back of her mind, reminding her with every passing moment of the now unguarded expanse of flesh only inches away from her mouth. 

She blinked heavily, as if the action would push away the thought from her mind. She wasn’t starving, she would eat when she needed to. There was no point in interrupting such a nice moment, so Chell bit her tongue- not literally, she had learned the hard way that such an action was ill-advised- and waited. And waited.

GLaDOS was taking forever. And she kept fidgeting, moving in and out of Chell’s grasp to grab tools and tinker even further.

It was about half an hour into all this when Chell made up her mind. Saving the usage of her voice for an apology instead of asking permission, she gathered GLaDOS slightly tighter into her arms, and pulled her backwards, stumbling for a moment before plopping herself into GLaDOS’s desk chair with the elf in question on her lap.

“Chell!”

The warm satisfaction in her otherwise cold chest was more than worth GLaDOS’s scolding tone and the light smack on her shoulder.

“If I had been in the middle of handling something dangerous-”

“You would’ve managed it.” “Yes, I would’ve thrown it on you and documented the results.”

Chell felt her lips curl into a smile. Surely GLaDOS could wrap up her work like this just fine, and then Chell could get her meal. Of course, as she leaned forward and pressed her lips against GLaDOS’s neck in a gentle kiss, she couldn’t help but think that a little taste in the meantime wouldn’t hurt…

“Don’t you dare.”

A raspy whine escaped Chell’s lips before she could help herself.

“I need to finish recording my findings and I don’t want to be falling asleep in the process. My experiments are more important than your impatience.” “...’s only tasting…”

“Sure you were.”

Reluctantly, Chell resigned herself with a grumble, licking her lips restlessly. She knew GLaDOS had a point, a vampire’s venom was a sedative, and was hardly the thing that one wants in their veins if they weren’t ready to take a nap. 

Still, it only would’ve been a little nibble…

In truth, GLaDOS wasn’t working for all that much longer before she capped her ink pot and set down her quill. A glance out the nearby window and a look at the moon’s position still rising in the sky meant Chell had barely been awake for an hour in total. But it felt like an eternity.

Which was, perhaps, what made it all the more satisfying for GLaDOS to finally turn around and shift in Chell’s lap, wrapping her arms around her neck- and as always not shying in the slightest from the awful, blackened wound- and meeting her gaze with a languid smile.

“See? Patient vampires get what they want.”

There was no time to waste in meeting GLaDOS’s warm lips in a quick kiss, Chell savored her taste, and offered a please and thank you all in one, anxiously waiting as GLaDOS shrugged her robes to the side enough to display more of her neck in a silent invitation.

Chell tried not to rush, flexing the muscle of self control that had taken her years to build and still needed work to this day. Instincts told her to lunge, to bite immediately and to drink her fill quickly. But what remained of her rational thought urged her otherwise, to instead leave a trail of kisses down her partner’s jaw to her neck, to be gentle and slow. To bite only after going over every available space with affectionate offerings, and to bite gently.

There was a time and a place for a hearty bite, to relieve the urge of a vicious, powerful chomp. But all it took was a look at the still healing wound on the opposite side of GLaDOS’s neck to remind Chell to take this one easy.

A purr rumbled from her chest as she felt the warm rush of blood against her teeth and tongue, sinking her fangs in just enough to prompt a proper blood flow before she pulled back, bringing her tongue forward instead to lap at the beads of blood as they appeared.

GLaDOS shuddered in response to the cold sensation, and Chell grasped her hand and squeezed it gingerly, rubbing her thumb along her partner’s pale knuckles. The chill wouldn’t be so bad once Chell’s mouth began to warm a little, stealing the heat from the living to possess in her own icy form. 

As she lingered in the space, lapping and nuzzling, drawing out the experience longer and longer, it was impossible to ignore the older marks on GLaDOS’s neck. The violent, jagged scars from years ago, flesh permanently branded with Chell’s signature. It was sobering, and only pressed her further into the affectionate touch she had the control to give. 

It was a lucky thing that GLaDOS was who she was, Chell thought. Had she not been so eager to wrap her arms around a dangerous undead, long before Chell had been able to temper herself to be so gentle, Chell wasn’t sure if she would’ve ever gotten to this point. For any other living person out there, eagerness to cuddle up with a corpse would’ve been hard to come by.

But Chell counted as many blessings as a vampire could have that she had somehow landed herself with someone who was more comfortable with Chell being dead than Chell herself. Someone who didn’t freak out as venom dulled her senses, but instead simply yawned and snuggled closer, continuing to run a hand lazily through Chell’s hair. Someone who was content to sit here with her for hours, to tangle herself lovingly in Chell’s cold arms with nothing but joy in doing so.

Someone who loved her for who she was, not in spite of it.

[dragonindigo245]

Aperture Sides AU

(Aka the TS Portal AU)

This spawned from my brother watching WallE. I was like “Robots? You know who the best robot is? GlaDos.” (I may have added the capital in her name wrong sorry y’all.)

Chell is Patton

I was originally going to make Chell Logan but he fit better in his role.

Chell is quiet and doesn’t really mind GlaDos remarks.

Otherwise I just really like Patton as Chell.

OH and the “overweight” thing. Seems like a Patton thing cause we all draw him chubby.

Plus I mean... wouldn’t Patton want cake? Wouldn’t GlaDos use Pattons weakness of desserts?

Wheatley is Logan

Now this one does seem a bit obscure but trust me on this.

Wheatley cleverly manipulates you to get him in control of the facility. Wheatley does form a very laid out plan to take over the facility and “release you” too!

Their blue....

Wheatley rambles. Logan canonically does that as well as seen in the episode where he plays as Sherlock.

Wheatley gets launched into space and I mean wouldn’t Logan love that?

Speaking of space: He’s tired of the space core being obnoxious.

Their... both blue...

GlaDos is Deceit

This one is not hard to see at all.

The snarky comments, the clever trickery, their intelligence. They share that so well.

They... have a yellow eye...

Deceit in this role also works with whom I made Cave Johnson too.

Both... have yellow... eyes...

Cave Johnson is Remus

Obviously.

The rants? The insanity? THE LEMONS?!?

I do like the story they have with GlaDos/Deceit too.

Really this doesn’t need too much of an explanation.

P-Body is Roman and Atlas is Virgil

Okay this was HARD to figure out. Truthfully I just shoved em into this role.

However I thought more about it and decided it worked.

Yes the color scheme.

Something about their dynamic just screams Roman and Virgil. I like the idea of helping each other get through obstacles.

Their shapes too.

GlaDos just being so done TM with them.

(Feel free to do whatever with this AU just tag me.)

[fic-xation]

First of Many

During a night of cards at the Inventory, Sam recounts the events leading up to his and Max’s first wedding.

Archive

“Soooo... Can I ask you guys a question?"

Brock and Ash exchanged an eye roll.

Claptrap ALWAYS seemed to have a question in regards to Sam and Max.

"Shoot." Sam said with a shrug, tossing a pair of chips towards the center. He never minded the little unicycle-dumpster-fire's innate lack of tact. In fact, he found a lot of Claptrap's mannerisms similar to Max's. The high-pitched voice, the manic eccentricity, the endearing vulgarity...

'... God Lord, do I have a type?' he suddenly thought.

"... What exactly ARE you guys?" Claptrap asked, his processed voice cutting through Sam's somewhat horrific epiphany. Sam, giving his head a stirring little shake, looked towards Claptrap curiously.

"... Like... our species?" he paused, before shrugging. "Well, as far as I know, I'm just your run-of-the-mill anthropomorphic Irish Greyhound. Max, on the other hand-"

"No, no." Claptrap gave his claw dismissively. "I mean, like, your relationship. Are you guys just friends, or dating, or nerf-buddies, or...?" he trailed off, visibly cowering under Brock's disapproving glare.

"Knock it off, Johnny Five, that ain't our business to know."

Claptrap's light flared up almost at once.

"Oh-!" he seethed. "Don't go givin' me that 'holier-than-thou' crap!" Angrily, his lens flitted between Brock and Ash. "We were ALL thinkin' it!"

Sam's brows shot up.

"... Really? ALL of you? ... Even GlaDOS?" he gestured towards the ceiling, and, as if on cue, the ivory skeletal frame of the Aperture AI lowered herself to the table.

"~Quite frankly, I don't really care one way or another.~" she chimed, her yellow sensor unnervingly affixed to Sam's face. "~But even I have to admit, you fail to follow the standard routine of a normal mammalian courtship... But then again, you two are not normal mammals, so I suppose it's just as well...~"

And with one graceful bow, she slid back up towards the ceiling.

"... Gee-" Max said, at long last looking over from his usual booth. "I didn't realize our personal life was such a hot button issue."

Ash leaned back against his chair with a sigh. "... Well, can ya blame us? You two are about as inseparable as me n' my chainsaw. Ordinarily, I'd just say you were real good buddies, but..." he shrugged. "I dunno, it's hard to tell with you whackos."

Sam, somewhat hot under the collar, readjusted his tie.

"... Well, since the whole room seems compelled to put me on the spot, I may as well say it." He glanced over his shoulder, briefly sharing a reaffirming smile with Max. "... Max and I are recently divorced."

... If if it weren't for the soft ambience of smooth jazz, one could've heard a pin drop.

Finally, after a prolonged moment of flabbergasted stares, Brock was the first to speak, carefully keeping his eyes to the minuscule font of his cigarette pack.

"... I'm, uh... I'm sor-"

"WHAT THE #@*&?!" Claptrap screeched, standing up against his wheel. "YOU TWO WERE MARRIED?! LIKE... LEGALLY?! IN FRONT OF GOD?! ... AND THEN YOU JUST... BROKE UP?! BUT YOU'RE STILL FRIENDS?! ... Not to indulge in a harmful stereotype towards robots, but... DOES NOT COMPUTE, MAN! DOES. NOT. FREAKIN'. COMPUTE!"

He then fell back against his chair, his servos evidently spinning.

"... Subtle." Ash quipped, raising his glass in a mock toast. Sam, however, looked confused.

"Broke up? ... What're you talking about? Max and I haven't broken up; we're just as in love now as we've ever been."

"We're just not married." Max continued, hopping up onto Sam's lap. He'd ultimately grown bored at listening in from a distance. Besides, these bozos were finally discussing a worthwhile subject... Him and Sam!

Now it was the table's turn to look confused. Once again, Brock's voice came first.

"... Okaaaaay, ya lost me."

"It's not that complicated, really." Sam said, offering the trio a bemused little smile. "See, every so often, Max and I get a divorce just so we can experience the pleasure of marrying each other all over again."

"Like buyin' a new pair of shoes once the old ones wear out!" Max piped up.

"Or, at least, that's what we ASSUME buying shoes is like." Sam added, helping himself to a sip of root beer.

Another bewildered silence fell over the room.

"... Wait, so-" Ash leaned his elbows against his table, pointedly staring towards the odd couple. "... Exactly how often does this happen?"

"Oh, we're on marriage number twelve now, actually." Sam beamed, seemingly oblivious to the stupefied silence over the remaining players.

Claptrap's lens fidgeted uneasily. "... That's like... romantic, bordering on masochism..."

"Ro-Masochism." Ash offered.

"... Okay, so-" Brock smothered the end of his cigarette against an ash tray. "I can understand wantin' to marry the same person over and over again-"

"Really?" Claptrap glanced over.

"... Well, not really, but I can humor 'em." he shrugged. "... No, what I don't get is, why go to all that trouble? ... Repeatedly, no less. I mean... wouldn't it be easier just to renew your vows and leave it at that?"

"Yeah, we don't believe in that baloney." Max scoffed, folding up Sam's cards into an origami swan. "I mean, what's the point in setting up a fake wedding if you're ALREADY married? It's a total sham."

"A disgrace to the sacred institute." Sam added solemnly.

"Here-Here!" Max proclaimed, shooting the paper swan towards Ash. He caught it almost at once, crushing it between his metallic fist, and dropping it to the floor.

"... Well, I guess I fold." Sam said, scratching his ear. "Pun not intended, of course."

Max rolled his eyes. "Liar."

"So... wait-" Ash held up his hand, drawing the conversation back on track. "Just how the hell can you n' Thumper afford eleven consecutive weddings? I'll admit, my experience with this sorta thing is limited-"

"Yeah-!" Claptrap broke in. "His last fiance wasn't exactly top-shelf material!"

"... In ANY case-" Ash continued through gritted teeth, as Brock slammed his steely fist against the robot's flat top. "Doesn't all that ceremony get pretty expensive after a while?"

"Not at all," Sam said, watching as Claptrap clattered to the floor like an oversized soup can. "Ya just gotta know how to economize."

"We're good friends with the president," Max said, absentmindedly picking at his nose. "And I'M a registered Minister, according to Nebraska. So, we never have to bother with hiring an officiant."

"Not to mention, we get most of our essentials from Bingo's Birthday Bonanza." Sam added. "Balloons, cups, goodies bags-"

"And of COURSE, the cake!" Max bounced a little at the thought. "Last year, it had a dinosaur motif. THIS time, though, I'm thinkin' more... Race car. What do YOU think, Sam?"

"Can't think of a reason NOT to," Sam smiled, tenderly setting his hand between Max's ears.

Brock scratched at his nose. "... So, basically, this whole routine is just an excuse to throw multiple parties in which you two knuckleheads are the centerpiece."

Sam and Max exchanged a look.

"More or less," Sam shrugged.

"Isn't that just a wedding is, though?" Max asked.

Brock had no choice but to chuckle, shaking his head lightly. "Touche."

"Ooh!" piped Claptrap, as he awkwardly clambered back onto his chair. "Here's a question for ya! You two got this whole crazy-train system down to a science... but what about your first run-through, huh? How'd THAT go down?"

"... What, our first wedding, you mean?" Sam asked, a little surprised.

"Hey, yeah!" Ash nodded. "Knowin' you two, that must've been nuts..."

"More importantly, who asked first?" Brock shot Sam a slight smirk. "My money's on ol' Rover Romeo over here."

Sam suddenly gave an embarrassed sort of laugh, shyly averting the table's curious eyes as he turned his muzzle to the side.

"... Well, it's, uh... It's actually a funny story..."

"Oh!" Max clapped his hands together excitedly, glancing up towards Sam. "Can I tell 'em, Sam? Can I, can I, can I?"

Sam paused, before easing back against his chair with a soft smile.

"Sure, buddy. Knock yourself out."

Squealing in delight, Max took to the center of the table, clearing his throat theatrically.

"... Well... it all began on a dark and stormy night..."

 ~~

The rain lashed the ancient cobblestones of our victorian manor like the cruel tongue of an unforgiving governess. I, clad in nothing more than my scandalously sheer negligee, sat alone in my bed chamber, coyly plucking at my harp like a fluffy siren of yore. There was a CRASH of lightning, when suddenly, my door FLEW open with enough force to rattle the chandelier! I gasped, retreating to my bedspread in an effort to save my modesty, but Sam strolled in all the same, beads of rain still fresh against his unkempt fur.

"Max-!" he cried. "I can't STAND it any longer! Your tender touch, your delicate fur, and the THROBBING of your MASSIVE-"

~~

Sam's hat came down like a burlap sack over Max's head, silencing him almost at once.

"... You'll have to forgive my associate." Sam mumbled, shades of red visibly peering through his fur as he dragged Max back towards his lap. "... He, uh... He's been taking some creative writing classes as of late."

"No kidding!" Claptrap announced, ever the enthusiast. "If I had a stomach, I'd be barfing it inside out!"

"... Yeah, that was..." Ash squirmed slightly.

"Gross." Brock concluded.

"... I was gonna say HEART, in case anyone was wondering!" Max shouted, slightly muffled through the material of Sam's stretched-out cap. "... Sheesh, people, get your minds outta the gutter!"

"How's about you let ME tell the story, buddy?" Sam said gently, finally freeing Max from the hat's pincer grip. He gasped for air only once, before shrugging.

"Eh, works for me. That was only a first draft, anyway."

"Much obliged." Sam turned to address the table. "So! You gentlemen ready to enter a proper flashback?"

"Hold it-" Brock held up a hand, stone faced. "Will there be any mention of the word 'negligee?'"

"... Not that I can recall." Sam said, quite honestly.

"Alright then." Brock lit the end of his cigarette. "Continue."

"... Well-" Sam gave the ceiling a ponderous glance, leaning his chair against its back two legs. "... I suppose the the REAL story starts with us cowering behind a tire pile in the city dump."

"And we're startin' off strong!" Max grinned.

~~ "I can't believe that innocent toxic waste mutated New York's over abundance of garbage into a monsterous, (yet vaguely effeminate,) shape!" Sam exclaimed, checking his gun for any remaining ammo.

"Ooh, lovely exposition Sam!" Max said,  his back to the rubber wheeled wall. "I just can't believe she wants ME to be her King of Crap! ... Why ME of all people?

"Could be your smell," Sam proposed, cocking the cylinder back into place. "Second only to her, you're the foulest thing in New York."

"... Saaa-aaam..." giggled Max, coyly cupping his hands to his face. "How am I suppose to concentrate on a life or death situation if you keep flirtin' with me?"

Sam felt himself flush slightly.

Why were Max's obvious jokes beginning to rub him the wrong way?

Suddenly, Max's ears began to twitch. Dropping the act, he hurriedly peered out from behind the mountain of discarded tires.

"She's comin' back!" he hissed.

Instinctively, Sam threw his arm around the rabbit as if shielding him from a bomb, and the two promptly ducked.

The putrid air of the city dump was suddenly made even worse, as the mucilaginous form of the twelve-foot garbage wench (or 'beldump,' as Max'd taken to calling her,) slithered by like a slug. She then paused, raising her misshapen head, as her divot-nostrils curiously flexed at the air.

Wordlessly, Sam threw both arms around Max, drawing him to his core as if suddenly desperate for a hug. Max, more than surprised, was thrown against his partner's chest like a ragdoll.

... His sensitive ears picked up the heavy hammer of Sam's distressed pulse, while the full weight of his heavy arms squeezed against Max's back...

Max, in spite of his best efforts, felt an odd warmth rise against his cheeks.

The beldump, with a disappointed sort of grumble, soon began to meander away.

Sam sighed, slowly loosening his grip on Max.

"... S-sorry..." he breathed, wiping at his forehead. "... I, uh... I had to hide your scent-"

"G-gee, Sam-!" Max broke in, smiling frantically. "... i-if ya wanted to cuddle, all ya had to do was ask!"

He laughed, though it was a far cry from his typical mischievous titter.

Sam's brow furrowed. "... Are you blushing?"

Max's ears shot up like corn stalks.

"... N-no!" he seethed, suddenly anxious to get away. "... It's... it's your stupid cologne! ... It's givin' me a rash!"

'Funny, considering I don't even WEAR cologne,' Sam was about to point out, when an idea suddenly came to mind. He quickly began to loosen his tie, before slipping off his jacket

Max's "rash" only worsened. "S-Sam, what're you- oof!"

Sam slapped his hat between Max's ears.

"This'll mask your smell." he said, affixing his loose-fitting tie to Max's throat. "Or, at the very least, it'll buy me some time to lure the beldump away."

He gently drew his jacket around Max's shoulders like a blanket, before plucking out a small tuft of fur. Max winced.

"Hey!"

"This should be adequate bait."

Gently holding the lock between his fingers, Sam stood up, and carefully surveyed the landscape.

"... Okay, lil' buddy. You just hunker down here 'till I get back."

Max's face suddenly dawned with distraught realization.

"... You're leaving me?"

Sam looked down. Underneath all that bulky clothing, Max suddenly appeared so much smaller. Any other time, that might've been amusing, but now...

It just broke Sam's heart.

"Only for a minute." Taking a knee, Sam offered his gentlest smile, in spite of Max stubbornly refusing to meet his eye. "Just long enough to draw her into the city."

Max, however, kept his eyes to the dirt, practically pouting.

Sam sighed. He knew what that expression meant. They'd made a unspoken agreement never to be separated for too long. Not after... well... everything that'd happened recently...

In a rare moment of tactile tenderness, Sam curled a finger beneath Max's chin, guiding his gaze upward.

"... I PROMISE I'll come back." he said softly, practically a whisper. Cupping it with a chuckle, he added, "After all, I got YOU to come back to, right?"

Max said nothing... He simply stared, as slack-jawed as a blind man seeing color for the first time.

... If this were a movie, the sacrificial hero might've planted a peck against his lover's forehead, either as reassurance, or goodbye.

But this wasn't a movie... And Max certainly wasn't his lover.

Compromising, Sam sweetly scratched at Max's drooped ear, before standing back up. Once he was sure the coast was clear, he made to run, when all at once, he felt Max scaling up the front of his shirt like an anxious reptile.

"Marry me." he said stoutly, looking positively fevered.

Sam scowled. He'd had his fill of cheap jokes for the evening. "... Max, c'mon, don't-"

"I'm not kidding," he croaked, his hands grasping at Sam's collar for support. "Please, Sam... marry me. Like... right now. I don't wanna be with anyone else. I don't think I CAN be with anyone else. Losing you the first time was..." he broke off, trails of tears and snot running down his face. "... Well, it sucked. Like, a lot." he finally choked. "... But the worst part was...  I finally realized just how crazy I was about you... But you were dead!"

He then began to laugh, but something in it made Sam cringe... It was a high, unsettling, hysterical laugh... Different from his usual variety, anyway.

There was no joy in it.

"Isn't that hilarious?" he continued. "And what's even funnier? ... I actually got a second chance to tell you how I felt... and I STILL chickened out! And now you're leaving me AGAIN, and... and..." he quickly dissolved into a fit of laughter and sobs, clinging to Sam's shirt with no intention of letting go.

... Needless to say, Sam was more than shocked... The same three shrieking words seemed to reverberate against his addled brain.

... How I felt... How I felt... How I felt...

... Funny. He wasn't nearly as shocked as one would think. If anything, Sam felt a kind of... serenity settle over him.

He'd known it, without knowing it...

... Max loved him... Max'd loved him for a good while now...

Of course he did... Of course he did! It was too damn obvious! It practically went without saying! And... and...

'... Holy hotpot party hosted by a Hostess Hoho...' thought Sam. '... I think I might love him back.'

"Officiate."

Max looked up, his face a mess of varying fluids. "... W... what?"

"You're a high priest, remember?"

Sam then flinched. Of course Max wouldn't remember, HE never experienced that.

".... N-no...?" he sniffled hesitantly. "... But I AM a registered minister, according to Nebraska."

Sam smiled, briefly relieved, before glancing around. Spotting a rubber band off to the side, he snatched it up, before twining it around the middle finger of Max's left hand.

"If you think I wouldn't want marry you, right here and now, you're even crazier than I thought."

Prying Max from his shirt, Sam set him down, and took both hands.

"Don't even bother asking anything," he said quickly, smiling a little. It was one of the few instances Max was ever lost for words. "You already know I do. I do a thousands times over, and twice on Sundays; never to anyone else but you."

"... D-ditto.." Max said at last, grinning incredulously. "... Th-then... I guess... b-by the power vested in me by the state of Nebraska, I now pronounce us-"

He didn't even have time to finish the sentence before he and Sam began to kiss.

It was the kiss of a thousand unsaid longings, the kiss of sweet, relinquished grief. It was cathartic, practically euphoric- 

~~

"- and the first of many to come." Sam concluded, beaming towards the wide-eyed faces of the Inventory regulars.

Ash huffed a short, disbelieving laugh, shaking his head. "So you two professed your love, got engaged, and then married, all within the span of a few short minutes..."

"In the middle of a stinky landfill, no less!" Claptrap added.

"Just for the record-!" Max said quickly. "Sam was TOTALLY exaggerating my little proposal. I was doing doughnuts on a tricked-out motorcycle, and tossed him a ring made out of pure gold. It was the smoothest thing in the world, and I did NOT cry!"

"~Max's temperature seems to be rising at an alarming rate.~" GladOS's voice rolled out coolly. "~Perhaps he is suffering another rash outbreak?~"

The table broke into a bout of good-natured laughter, as Max folded his arms grumpily. He already knew he'd never hear the end of that...

"So whatever happened to the garbage monster?" Brock asked, still smiling.

"Oh, that-" Sam waved his hand dismissively. "That was easy. Using the scent of Max's hair, I lead her back to our office. Once there, she immediately fell in love with the trash congregating in our workspace, and took that as her husband rather than Max."

"They then moved to Detroit to live among their own kind!" Max sighed, fluttering his eyelids. "It was like the ending to a fairytale..."

"Yeah, that's... one way of putting it." Ash mumbled.

"And how long was it before ya decided to get re-married? Claptrap asked.

"Three days." Sam answered, leaning forward to dig through his pocket. Fishing out his wallet, he opened it up to reveal a small photo guarded by a sheet of plastic. "We knew we wanted our second wedding to be a lil' more formal, so we pulled out all the stops." he pointed towards the lavish church setting, as well as Max's uncharacteristically grandiose top hat and tux.

"... Nice dress," Brock remarked with a sneer.

"I know, I know..." Sam smiled sheepishly. "It's a little old-fashioned, but it belonged to my Granny, and she insisted on me wearing it."

"Plus, she n' Sam have the same cuddly corpulent build, so it was an easy fit!" Max chimed in. Sam, rolling his eyes, pushed him to the floor.

"Well-" Brock raised his glass. "Cheers to your divorce, I suppose."

"And may many more follow!" Ash said, joining the toast.

Claptrap, however, remained motionless.

"... Does it bother anyone that the six of us guys just spent the last half-hour discussing marriage and weddings like an old sewing-circle?"

The table traded looks.

"Not really."

"No."

"Not even remotely!"

"'Course not."

"... Alright, just checking!" Claptrap held up his sippy-cup. "To Sam and Max!"

"To Sam and Max!"

~~

"Ya know-" Sam said, as he and Max barreled along their the long stretch of their familiar street. It was a perfect night for reckless driving. "We oughta invite our poker buddies to our next wedding."

"Oh, HELL yeah!" Max said, nodding vigorously. "It wouldn't be a dream wedding without 'em! Ooh-!" he grabbed at Sam's arm, nearly swerving the Desoto into an oncoming truck. Sam pivoted back almost at once, heart thudding, but smiling all the same.

"Think we could get GladOS to sing at our reception?" Max bobbed excitedly against his seat. "I would, and CAN, kill for her to do Nat King Cole!"

"We'll havta ask next time we see her, buddy." Sam chuckled, sparing a hand to pet at Max's head. "Though, personally, I wouldn't mind meetin' some of YOUR old card sharks... 'Specially that wrestler fellow, uh... What was his name?" Sam snapped his fingers rhythmically. "String bean?"

"Strong Bad. But PLEASE, call him String Bean once you finally get to meet him!" Max giggled. "I have GOT to see how that goes down."

Sharply rounding a corner, the two finally skidded their car into its usual spot, halfway hunched atop the curb adjacent to their building.

Making their way up the stairs, they soon found themselves in the comfortable chaos of their office. (Naturally, it didn't them long to re-accumulate all the garbage swept away by the beldump.)

"Well, that depends-" Max shrugged, as he and Sam crossed into one of the more residential rooms. Flopping down onto the patchwork couch, Max made an immediate snag for the remote. "When're you gonna propose already?"

"Guess I'm just waiting for the right occasion. Timing is everything, ya know. Here, scooch over."

With a sigh, Sam helped himself to a seat beside Max, and the two finally settled on something to watch.

"Ooh! Robot Terror From Beyond the Galaxy!" Max curled up against Sam's leg, and Sam, smiling contentedly, rested a hand to his back.

"Hope we haven't missed too much."

"Nah," Max shook his head. "We haven't even gotten to the marrow-suckers yet."

Sam nodded, and then glanced over. His partner's eyes were beginning to droop, and Sam wondered whether or not Max was about to fall asleep.

"... Hey, Max-" Sam whispered, lightly jostling the lagomorph's head. "... You wanna get married?"

Max chuckled, tucking his hands beneath his head as his eyes closed in full.

"... Well, DUH, Sam... A thousand-" he cut himself off with a yawn. "... A thousand times over, and twice on Sundays..."

Sam, with a warm smile, leaned over, planting a soft kiss to Max's forehead.

"You're the light of my life, lil' buddy."