#(not that my parents aren't good! i love those two. they just need like. therapy. and needed to go before reproducing too. but oh well.)

[forgotten-daydreamer]

any time i see a baby the week after i get my period i'm like "omg. need me one of those lil things!!!!" but??? do i??? or is it just my primordial urge to make my species thrive that wants me to want a baby???

[thought--bubble]

Breakin You In

Will (Salad Days ) X (Rich Girl Reader)

Warnings After The Cut

Will Masterlist

Full Masterlist

Banners by @arcielee

A/N: This was purely self-indulgent. I absolutely LOVE Will. Everything about him is chefs kiss so I legit imagined this scenario (Might need therapy IDK) so I thought I would share some of my crazy.

Warnings:: Smut, Virginity loss, Drinking, corruption kink, praise.

You are a good girl. That's what your friends called you. It's what your parents boasted about you, how your older brother teased you. A good girl. Great student, great grades comes from a great two parent household with a daughter son and a family dog. All the perfect ingredients for you to grow up into some successful adult and achieve all the things your parents have planned for you.

But at 18 freshly graduated with one last summer before uni you were ready to rebel and you knew exactly how you wanted to do it. Your friends all came from the same area. A well off nice area just outside of Derby filled with nice homes with nice cars in the driveways, but when they wanted a little fun they knew where to find the real parties, the parties where everyone went wild happened down in Derby proper.

The kids down there might be broke, come from broken homes or bad situations but one thing they did know was how to have fun and your friends loved to venture down there, and as long as they showed up with a wallet full of cash they were welcomed with open arms.

You had joined them on a few of these excursions before. Usually the designated driver. It was your responsibility to make sure all of your friends made it home and did so in one piece. Which you always did. because you, you are a good girl.

But tonight, tonight was going to be different. Tonight was the night you were going to catch his eye instead of being the invisible observer. All those times you had gone to these parties sipped on water and watched everyone have fun there was one person in particular you always kept your eyes on.

And that someone was named Will. He was handsome, as gorgeous as he was tall, with ocean blue eyes, shaggy blonde hair and a swagger that had you swoon, and every time you went to these outings, a different girl on his arm. sometimes it would be someone you knew, other times someone you didn't recognize, but never the same person and always someone dressed up and clearly looking for fun, and the worst part? Never you.

You, usually in a jumper and jeans hair down with a beanie on have never so much as caught him glancing at you, which is something you were determined to change tonight.

Your best friend Ashley is the assigned designated driver tonight and is fully aware of your plan. She was shocked at first but then decided she wanted to help. So she came to your house early with some clothing options for you to look through.

"you sure this doesn't look absolutely ridiculous?" you ask while checking yourself out in the mirror.

You are wearing Ashley's skin tight black mini dress. You aren't as curvy as Ashley but you had some feminine curves and this dress was definitely built specifically to show them off.

"You look like a snack" she winks at you. "but we have to do something about the shoes you can't wear runners"

"I know, I went out and bought two pairs of shoes today because i knew I wouldn't fit into any of yours" You hold up a pair of chunky Mary Janes and a pair of Chunky healed ankle boots.

"I was hoping for..... something a little more pointy.... but the boots should suffice" Ashley grabs the boots from your hand turning them over "Yeah, these are actually pretty cute"

"You got the stockings?" Ashley asks while wiggling her eyebrows.

"Yes I just don't understand how exactly these are supposed to stay up on my legs?" you hold the sheer black thigh high stockings you had bought at the store today as Ashley had suggested.

"You snap them into this" She holds up a black silky garter belt and you swallow.

"Right, obviously," you chuckle nervously as you take the belt and buckle it into place under the dress and over the small black lace thong you also purchased today.

"Ok" you release a deep sigh and shake your limbs. "Let's go"

The entire ride down to the city, you are wracked with a mixture of nervous and excited energy your leg bouncing in the passengers seat.

"Calm yourself," Ashley rubs your knee. "You look incredible.... if he don't go after ya he's blind"

She pulls up down the street from the dingy old flat, and you can already hear the music playing as you step out of the car.

Ashley holds your hand, your other friends Sasha and Katheryn trailing behind.

"time for your entrance" Ashley teases.

"What do i do?" you ask as she laughs.

"You just walk in the look will do all the heavy lifting"

There are a few people hanging out front smoking cigarettes, they briefly nod as you and your friends pass.

Then you walk in, the air is hot and the smell of alcohol fills the room. People are laughing a few dancing a couple or two kissing on the couch or against the wall.

You squeeze Ashley's hand tightly. "Lets just get you a drink yeah?" she drags you through the crowded room as your eyes flit about looking for him, and you find him easily enough. Sitting with his friends a whiskey in hand laughing about something or other. No girl on his arm. Not yet, it's still early. Not that you would let that stop you tonight.

you reach the kitchen table that is set up with some plastic cups and random bottles of booze. A cup in the middle of the table stuffed with cash. Its known if you're one of the rich kids you are expected to put some money in this cup when you come.

You take out some cash and jam it into the cup.

"Awe the pretty ones don't have to pay" You turn to see one of Will's close friends Tom smiling at you. You know he is one of his closest friends because they always stand around together before will finds his girl of the night.

"That's ok I don't mind" you smile at him as Ashley pours you a drink.

"You been out here before? Don't think i've seen ya" he questions as he moves slightly closer.

"Been here a few times yeah" You take the drink from Ashley.

"Obviously she's been her before ya knob" Will interrupts putting his hand on Tom's shoulder "Just usually aint drinkin" he gives you a sly smile as he leans over the table taking the whiskey bottle towards him to refill his cup.

You blush hard the corners of your mouth raising even though you are desperate to play it cool.

Tom catches this and rolls his eyes. "That would be the way of it"

You look at him confused while Will just chuckles.

Ashley leans into you whispering into your ear "I'll be in the main room by the door if you need me"

You look at her bewildered this is exactly what you wanted but now that you are about to be left alone with him you have gone into full panic mode.

"So what's changed then?" He asks as Ashley passes by him making her way from the area.

"W-w-what?"

"well, your drinkin" he motions to the cup in your hand. "You've.... changed your style up a bit" he raises his eyebrows and smirks. "so.... what's changed?"

"I... Ummm " you can't think of anything to respond to that with that wouldn't sound stupid, but begin to panic when you realize that stuttering also sounds stupid.

He chuckles and walks closer to you cup in hand. "Why's the quiet good girl dressed up like a bad girl tonight?.... you got plans? Something...." he moves right up next to you and whispers "New you wanna try?"

You feel a chill run down your spine. "C'mere i'll show ya how to have fun" his hand slides into yours and he winks and pulls you toward the roar of the party, and just like that for tonight you're the girl his arm is around while he's laughing with his friends. You're the girl sitting on his lap while he plays cards, a cigarette hanging out of his mouth.

Finally it's you, and you are eating up every moment, as he stands in a circle with his friends, his arms around your midsection his head resting on your shoulder you feel satisfied. The alcohol coursing through your veins and his breath on your neck as he talks and laughs. The sporadic kisses he places on your neck and shoulder in between talking. Everything about this night has been perfect.

"Hey" he whispers rubbing his nose against the shell of your ear. "Come upstairs with me" Your eyes go wide and your stomach flips. You're filled with nerves but, these are the best kind of nerves so you nod your head and he smiles.

He wraps his arm around your shoulder pulling you from the group as they continue talking Tom shooting will a knowing glance. Will doesn't acknowledge this look, keeping his gaze locked on you.

He takes your hand and gently guides you upstairs as Ashley watches you go from her place leaning against the wall in the main room. A small smile on her face accompanied by a look of shock.

She didn't think you would actually do it and honestly you really didn't think you would either but here you are your hand in his as he leads you up the stairs of this dingy place, of whom you don't even know who the owner is but you follow him anyway. You follow him with a smile on your face and a chest burning with anticipation. Any thoughts of turning around and going back downstairs vanish when he turns around and gives you that smile. The smile you have dreamed about, the smile you thought could never be yours but for tonight, just for tonight, that smile is for you and you will hold on to it for as long as the night allows.

When you reach the landing your legs start to shake and he chuckles as he brings you into a nearby bedroom and closes the door.

"i've got the good girl upstairs all by herself..... what am I to do now?" he smiles as he walks closer to you. You swallow, your eyes are wide and your body is trembling and you want him to do whatever it is he wants.

he wraps one arm around your back and pulls you to him sliding his other hand up the back of your neck and into the base of your hair.

"What are you thinkin sweetheart?" he asks as he gently rubs his nose against your cheek. You breath in sharply at a complete loss for words.

"I.. I... ummm" your cheeks flush red with embarrassment, "I've ummm... never done this before"

He chuckles as he guides you towards the bed walking you backwards.

" I guess i'm breakin you in then, aren't i darlin?" He lays you back on the bed and clicks his tongue.

"Such a good girl.... and i've got you all to myself"

He crawls on top of you grabbing one of your thighs and pulling it up to his hip as he brings his lips down on yours in a gentle sweet kiss.

You smile into the kiss and he pushes himself against you. "Never thought I would get you up here" he whispers.

"Never thought you even saw me" you say as you lean up to kiss him again but he pulls back.

"Course i saw you. All beautiful standing there alone." he kisses you slow and sensually the soft click of your mouths the only noise in the room. "Thought to myself, that girl is out of my league. Too smart, Too pretty, too ... good" He kisses you again pressing his body up against you with more pressure.

You grip the back of his neck pressing your lips harshly to his. he pulls back slightly and chuckles. "But if you're looking to be bad tonight.... then i'm your man"

he slides his hand down between your legs pushing your thong to the side and you shiver. as he starts to gently and slowly rub your pearl you moan quietly.

"That's a good girl" he whispers as he nibbles your cheek. He slides a finger into you while rubbing your pearl with his thumb. "So very good" he breathes heavily while you arch your back. The intense pleasure washes over you like a tidal wave. He slides a second finger in and speeds up his pace.

"Please, Please" You don't even know what you are asking for but whatever it is you know you want it and that he can give it to you.

"Oh don't worry darlin, i got you" He quickens his pace again his other hand under your back steadying you and you ride out the sensation.

"Oh, holy - ahh" You open your eyes wide and gasp and you are absolutely rocked by an explosion of pleasure unlike any other you have ever provided to yourself.

he looks down at you will a smile and a chuckle. "Mmmmm.. still such a good girl" he takes out a condom and quickly gets it on positioning himself between your thighs.

"Hold onto me, I promise i'll take it slow" in a daze you nod and grab onto his shoulders as he pushes into your core. it feels like a lot of pressure not exactly pleasurable but not painful.

he growls and bites his bottom lip "fuccccck ..... That's fucking magnificent"

he pushes in slowly until your hips are pressed together. He bites gently at your neck "You ok?"

"Yeah" you struggle to get the words out ass the discomfort starts to fade being replaced with a feeing of fullness.

He starts to move in and out gently. "this o-o-ok?" he says between labored breaths.

"Yes" you sigh the fullness making way for a pleasurable feeling, that feeling building with each gentle buck of his hips.

"So good.. You are so fucking good." he nibbles at the tip of your ear as his pace becomes more regular and his breathing heavier.

"Your so good" you moan back at him.

"No i'm not, but i'll steal something good even if it's just for the night" he pistons his hips into you gradually getting faster and faster. That feeling from before building in your stomach once again.

That feeling builds and builds as he moves faster and faster holding your hips tightly. "give me one more. One more to remember" he demands as his hips slam into yours with purpose. "Be my good girl"

Your legs tense around him like a vice holding him in place, as your eyes roll back in your head a feeling of Euphoria and endorphins flowing into every crevice of your being.

"Good girl.." he grunts and slams into you harder gripping you tight "Good fucking girl!". His thrusts get sloppy and desperate. "Fuck! So fucking....." he grunts loudly and then stills dropping his head onto your chest. he keeps his eyes closed head down but runs his fingers along your cheeks.

"You're so good" He whispers barely loud enough for you to hear it. The two of you lay there for what feels like hours but must have only been about 20 minutes. You make your way back downstairs on unsteady legs.

"Oh the classic walk of shame" Ashley muses as she watches you descend. You give her an annoyed look and the middle finger as you hear Will chuckle from behind you.

"You ready to go?" Ashley asks

"Yeah in just a couple minutes" you respond pushing some hair behind your ear. Ashley nods and walks off no doubt to find Sasha and Katheryn Sasha and Katheryn. Will takes your hand and walks you outside lighting a cigarette.

"You're off to some fancy university in Autumn aren't ya?" he asks looking unbothered as he flicks his cigarette.

"Imperial College" You smile at him as he looks away.

"Makes sense" he nods gently.

Ashley and the girls come out heading toward the car Ashley waving you over.

Before you go to her you place one last kiss on his lips and smile. then walk off to join Ashley and the girls. Will stands there just watching you walk away smoking his cigarette in thought.

"another one to add to the list then?" Tom joins him in his cigarette while nudging his shoulder.

"Nah mate she's far too good for the list" Will says voice low and serious.

"You'll see her again then?" Tom says slightly shocked.

"Nah, i'm not quite good enough for that" he looks away. "I'm gonna call it a night mate" Tom nods at Will as he leaves and starts his walk home.

In the car on your way back home Sasha and Katheryn are in the back seat drunk and giggling. Ashley turns and grabs your knee giving it a little shake.

"You can finally drop that good girl title huh?" she laughs

You stare out the window hair a mess and still in a daze.

"Nah..... I'm still a good girl"

To be added to taglist click here

[spxdyr]

i see a lot of 9-1-1 fans (justifiably) hate the parents of 9-1-1 and the show trying to give them a redemption arc, and while i can see where you are ALL coming from and don't think you're wrong, i just see it a little different.

(this is coming from someone who currently isn't speaking with their parents for the most part and doesn't think that'll change anytime soon):

i don't see it as redemption. i don't see it as the writers asking us as viewers to forgive their (buckley or diaz) parents. i don't even think its the characters themselves trying to forgive their parents. i think its two (parent/child) groups of adults doing what they can to rectify their relationships for the sake of either another person or their own future relationships.

the buckleys for example. i don't think buck has forgiven (or the writers have asked us to forgive on behalf of behalf of buck) his parents. i think he is trying to move forward with his future relationships without the weight of the anger he has for his parents on him. i also think its his (and maddie's) choice/desire for jee-yun to have grandparents. the understanding/hope (while sour) that they will (try) to be better for her than they were for either of them. the therapy (for all parties) was just the way to rectify that, to get to a point where it was easier to be in a room together. not for their sake, but for jee's.

the diaz's are similar. i don't think eddie believes (or even needs) his relationship with his parents to be perfect. i don't think he needs them to change completely. or expected it. i think he's doing what he can to rectify his relationship with them for chris. because he does everything for chris (at least for what he thinks chris needs) its is fatal flaw. he kept that door open so that chris would have a safe space outside of him. so that chris was never isolated in their relationship. much like eddie (probably) was in his with his own parents.

i think what many view as redemption is just adults doing what they can to be best for their child(children), for themselves. i think its understanding that your found family is those you rely on, your born family is those that someone else might. its understanding that their relationships with their parents isn't the end all be all when it comes to the fact that their parents, like them, are people. people who will have an affect on someone else, someone probably close to them.

buck, maddie, eddie, and even chim, know what its like to only have their parents and no one else that loves them unconditionally, that they can run to when their parents just aren't good enough. none of them want to do that to their respective children. they want all of them to have a safe space outside of them, even if their parents weren't that for them. but they also know who their parents are, they want their children to know that its a choice. they (the children) will have the chance to choose their family too, just a lot earlier on.

anyway sorry for my rant. im in ZERO way trying to attack anyone who sees it as redemption and i understand why you hate it. im just yk trying to offer a different perspective.

[fangirleaconmigo]

As someone who uses they/them but is not out to their parents - if you're doing as they ask in front of their parents, consistently and without question, then you're doing the right thing. That's one of the biggest sources of stress, for me - that someone who knows will out me by accident before I'm ready to have that conversation. You stop misgendering them in front of their parents only when they tell you to stop - forget what surgery they have or haven't had, forget what hormone therapy they're on. They'll make that call when they're ready, when it's time, and your role here is to follow their lead.

The non-parent relatives are the same. If in doubt, ask what someone knows before you head into a situation. If they're anything like me, they'll appreciate that you're aware of the stakes. Knowing that you're being careful about it will probably be a weight off their mind.

In terms of things you can do - obviously, gender them correctly to their face. If you slip up, apologise and correct yourself - doesn't need to be a big thing, just acknowledge it in the same sentence and move on. Practice when they aren't around. Make it clear you're a safe space. Make it clear you're trying, that you value this trust they've offered.

Genuinely, though, it sounds so simple but the most affirming thing you can do is use the right pronouns without question or hesitation. I came out to my best friend of nearly 20 years this spring. Her response was basically, "I was wondering when you were going to figure that out," and she switched immediately. That change is like when there's roadworks outside your house and they have been jackhammering for hours and suddenly it stops. It's a joy and it's a relief.

If you're not sure, ask. Just make it clear when you ask that it's coming from a place of 'I want to make sure I am doing what makes you most comfortable' rather than a request for explanation or justification.

All this said. You sound like you're doing good. The fact that they have told you says you are doing something right. The fact that you're worried about how best to support them says you're doing something right. Keep doing what you're doing. You love them, you sound like you are treating them with care, and it sounds like they can tell.

Thank you so much! I'm sorry for the delay in answering. I appreciate you taking the time to give such thoughtful advice.

For those who missed it, a while back I asked for advice on how to navigate trying to support transmasc young people (two in my family) with unsupportive parents, when the parents are my age or my peers and I'm often in company with all of them.

I also had a lot of anxiety about bringing up the issues of pronouns because I didn't want to pile on to the stress they were under by making it weird.

But I did take your advice. All of this advice. And with the person who uses he/they, I got the courage to just ask, and just outright said that I was asking because I wanted them to be comfortable and happy, not because I was looking for justification.

He thanked me for asking and when we hung out next (I took him out for a birthday celebration with my son and gf-my son's gf), I just made sure to use the right pronouns.

I think it all went well because I then got a request through my son to help connect him to trans resources. We live in a tiny conservative town and it is suffocating here for me, so I can only imagine for the younger queer folks.

So I was encouraged to be given something tangible I could do to help. My strength is research and networking for sure. I'm often the family extrovert brought in when these things are needed and I like feeling like my skills are needed XD I found a bunch of stuff (local support groups, trans friendly churches, trans friendly therapists, etc etc) and forwarded it.

So, I think these are all good signs and I thank you (and everyone else who answered) for helping give me things to think about and how to approach the issue.

I'm a big worrier and the thing I worry most about is probably looking after the young people in my life. I went through so much shit as a kid that it makes me hyper aware and it always makes me feel better if I know I can help in any way.

[woodpengu]

Personal Story: feel free to skip. But I wonder if anyone can relate to having a parent that expressed their trauma as love projected onto their children in a way that disregarded what was most important to said child. Read on if you're curious. Might be triggering for those who've suffered passive (or active) neglect.

My mother romanticized the gift-giving aspect of Christmas to unhealthy degrees. Don't ask why - her trauma isn't my story to tell nor her mind mine to comprehend. She just wouldn't accept anyone being okay with not receiving anything. "No" was not in her vocabulary (we'll save the lesson in consent and boundaries for another day).

My last year speaking or interacting with her directly, she had grown to keeping her eyes peeled all year round for gifts to bestow at Christmas. My sister and I were the number one priority even though both of us had told her "One is enough if you must give us a thing at all". And there was something far more important to me that happened every year between one Christmas and the next: my birthday.

I value this day above other special occasions as a benchmark of survival. I lasted another year. I held fast for another circle of the Earth. I gave myself 365 days more of opportunities for good memories and reasons to keep going. Living another year is much more important. Things aren't necessary for the occasion, but I would like acknowledgment. I'd like to think a parent would find their child that they love being alive and well is more important to them than a holiday that's been turned into a capitalist-driven drain on sanity, safety, and good manners.

But this last time, she forgot my birthday. Until a couple days ahead of it, my mother had been collecting gifts for a holiday that wouldn't happen for another four months that I didn't want a pile of things I'd throw out, donate, or shelve (she tended to get me things she wanted for herself just in case I didn't care for them or couldn't use them... nothing was ever just for me). She told me herself that she forgot what the date was, and pulled something random out of the pile, avoiding the "big important gifts" she didn't want me to have until Christmas.

This is a woman who prides herself on her wrapping skills and being covert with surprises and gifts. She made no effort with it. "Here, have a pretty ramen bowl with this cool gimmick that traditional ramen bowls don't have." It was, in fact, a pretty bowl... that I did not in any way hint at wanting, needing, or yearning for in any capacity. I had two ramen bowls at the time that I loved and was very happy with and did not want another, nor did I have the space for one, which I informed her of when she asked. Unwrapped. No ceremony. Just handed over with an apology about forgetting and "I'll take you somewhere to make up for it". Which she did...

She took me to a place she wanted to go to... while the air was thick with smoke from the wildfires. If you have or know someone with PTSD or CPTSD, activates lizard brain (survival mode) at the drop of a hat, and the one thing we can lose resistance to is the smell of smoke (which for animals turns on the flight response and is how they know to get the heck out of dodge). Of course, I'd explained this to her. CPTSD was the reason for being in therapy, and why COVID hit me harder than most - I was isolated with my worst and most constant abusers who were keyed up and agitated more than usual by circumstances (another story). But... to her, I was throwing a tantrum and being ungrateful.

All she had to do was acknowledge the important part: I was alive and still trying to live. If all she gave me was a hug and a "thank you for being here", that would have been the most meaningful gift and the best birthday of my life. But... she made it about her, her efforts, her compromises, her gifting ability... My day was about her. That's like a relative going to a wedding and giving the bride hell for not putting [relative] on a pedestal. Integrity, please.

Point being... [takes a moment to heave a big ol sigh] (part two of my gifting rambles, here) If a person is important to you, then make the effort to acknowledge what's important to them. It's not about you "being a good friend/relative/companion" in the "I give gifts because I love you" sense. It's about showing real love through acknowledgment of their truths.

[george-weasleys-girl]

GWG Ramblings

The Darker Sides of Harry Potter

tw: rape

It's not explicit, but nonetheless, I'm putting the rest under the cut.

~•~

So, I posted this earlier and it got me thinking. What other things got cut out of the books, either because they were inappropriate for young readers or weren't important to the story?

Whenever I edit my writing, there is usually at least one thing that I end up cutting because it isn't necessary or it detracts from the story. So, I would imagine there were quite a few stories that didn't make it into the series. And I'd really love to read those.

I also wonder what the series would've been like had it been written for adults rather than kids. I think about things like love potions (the magical world's version of the date rape drug). And since it was widely available, how did the magical community view rape? Was it even a crime? Or was it only a crime when love potions weren't involved? What kind of mindset are we looking at here?

Voldemort was the product of love potion rape. So, we know it did happen. On what scale, though? And what, if any, repercussions were there?

It's possible that it was deemed a crime with a harsh punishment. But it was rarely reported, not out of fear, but because the victim doesn't remember it, thanks to the memory spells that altered or wiped a person's memory.

Which brings me to another point.

I wrote an entire ramble on mental health care in the wizarding world. Something I didn't even consider at the time was the use of memory spells as mental health care. I talked about shock spells as being the magical equivalent of electro-shock therapy. One of the potential side effects of electroconvulsive therapy is memory loss.

On the surface, this seems like a great idea. Erase the memory of the trauma (be it rape or seeing Voldemort brutally murder one of your friends).

Then, voila! No more bad memories.

Except...

Does it erase the trauma caused by the event?

Imagine how fucked up it would be living with the effects of long-term trauma, but having no idea why and no way to remedy it.

It'd be like going to the doctor, knowing that something is wrong and being told it's just your imagination.

It's all in your head.

And brings me to another point. (I'm on a roll today.😅)

These spells were generally reversible (unless something goes wrong). So what if a person's true memories aren't wiped/altered but instead just made extremely difficult or impossible to access by non-magical means?

I think about when Hermione altered her parents' memories to erase her existence from their minds. I can't help but wonder if they were haunted by the reoccurring thought that something was missing. Something very, very important. But they had no idea what.

This all reminds me of the movie Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind (which, if you haven't seen it, I highly recommend it).

To sum up its about two people who, after their painful break-up, have their memories of each other wiped. The movie then follows the repercussions of that decision. The female lead, Clementine, is still plagued with depression even after the memories of her ex are all erased. And at the end of the day, the point is, we need our memories, both the good and bad if we are to grow and to heal.

We can't do either if we can't remember what hurt us.

~•~

ANYWAY.

Wow. I really galloped off on one hell of tangent. I think that's enough rambling for today.

And it wasn't even the one I've been working on. Go figure. 🤷‍♀️

~•~

@milivanili99 @fancy-pantaloons @turvi @pansexualwitchwhoneedstherapy @georgie-weasley @kaysau2510 @sierraluvz @hanne-montana @rhunew @greenapplegrass @loca4moony @whotfskai

[swordofazrael1992]

Jpv 2, 7, 14, 27!! Shatterstar 1, 20, 23, 28 >:) go autism on me!!!!!

AUTISM TIME FORREAL!1

okay okay so

jpv 2) probably after reading sword of azrael '92. i had a mutual who was posting a lot of jpv stuff and i had previously read tynion's writing of her in tec 2016, and then my lcs had a trade collecting soa 92 + the first seven issues of azrael '95 so i went "fuck it" and bought it. i can't remember if i read what was available of watters' stuff at the time before or after soa 92 but that was definitely where i started to really love jp/az and it's stuck with me (as you can tell by the url)

jpv 7) FOREVER AND EVER the "perhaps this azrael does both" quote from sword of azrael (1992) #3. technically it is alfred talking ABOUT jp/az in response to nomoz saying that azrael punishes, and doesn't/shouldn't think. and then there's also the soa '92 #4 of azrael straight up telling nomoz "no" when nomoz says they need to leave, because azrael only avenges, not rescue. either way i think those are really interesting and have Stuck With Me

jpv 14) i know i'm an soa 92 type boy but....this one is definitely a hard one and i don't think soa is in my top two choices. i'd have to say his no man's land arc, i'm a huge fan of it and his dynamics with other bat charas (esp babs and cass!). my second choice pick would probably be soa '22--i just love it so much and it's so beautiful. so while soa '92 might be my favorite, i don't think it's his absolute best. but it's top 3 for sure

jpv 27) the most fun, for me particularly? i think castiel from supernatural. i have no idea what the fuck would go down, but it would be entertaining. other than that, probably vash or knives (or livio/razlo) from trimax specifically, or sister lilith from warrior nun. lets just get all those religious imagery bitches in a room together and see what goes down

star 1) so i THINK my first impression of star was in young avengers: children's crusade, WAY back when i first started reading comics. like young avengers '05 was my first comic, and ya:cc my second. i think i just looked at him and rictor on panel together and, knowing nothing about them, was like okay yeah they are DEFINITELy gay. i probably thought he was a little weirdo (affectionate) but i didn't become a fan of him and rictor for another year or two i think

star 20) star is the only person in the world who actually MEANS it when he says "i listen to a little of everything" about his music taste. he really genuinely listens to everything, and everyone who knows him HATES when he's on aux because listening to his playlists gives them whiplash. seriously, he goes from mid 1800s orchestral music to hyperpop to 90s hip hop to 00s top 40 to 1960s bluegrass to music you're not even sure is from this dimension and that you're pretty sure is from some future timeline. star sees no problem with it, though. also i think he takes really long showers and uses up ALL of the hot water + has a really extensive hair/skin routine. so you go into the bathroom of his and ric's apartment and you see the shower and sink counter practically overflowing with all these extravagant and fancy products and then in the corner there are like 4 or 5 things that belong to rictor and it's just shampoo/conditioner/body wash/other essentials

star 23) i want him to live happily ever after with ric in a cozy house with weekly therapy appointments and dinner with his parents every month + an actually good/existent relationship with them where they aren't just kinda coworkers and maybe a dog or a couple cats and a garden in the backyard and a giant tv in the living room and a good relationship with life and maybe a couple college degrees or maybe he just learns so much about the things that interest him and everything else without feeling the need to have a degree to show for it and andand. but i don't think that will ever happen because marvel hates me personally

star 28) stabbing himself in the stomach that one time. and the other time. and the next time.

and being his own grandfather. that was really unnecessary of him

(+ i know you didn't ask but songs i've been associating with them recently:

jp/az -

https://open.spotify.com/track/4zlRCThoy7Wops9GF11kQX?si=0494cd4331cc411b

star -

https://open.spotify.com/track/6EqCxnulMcawu0qN8B8Y5W?si=2f23a62fe7bf4d8c

w/ jp/az's being about how they are pretty impulsive and need to get from point a to point b as fast as possible and star's being about the entire "raised as an arena slave to fight to the death for other's entertainment" thing. also on second thought i might put nothing lasts forever on my shatterstar playlist)

[aeltri]

Do you really think famous people are sending you asks?

Even if all you say is true, isn't it a bit far fetched that every mean anon is them ?

Genuinely asking, like how do you even know ?? I love the theorizing and the whole "Ben Cumberbatch is a MKU tool" is funny but why and how does a random civilian such as you and others on here know this stuff ?!

All your links bring me to those antisemitic illuminati ThEy ConTroL thE bAnkS QAnon and adjacent bullshit and the other half is weird transphobic stuff, it's kinda hard to believe the rest y'know?

(I do believe that the 1% does control things because with that much money how could they not, but the whole illuminati shit is ugh, billionaires are right there shitting on us but y'all are obsessed with an old conspiracy theory it's WEIRD man !

Have a good day!

(also out of topic but where does your pfp come from, the character is so familiar but I can't put a finger as to why lol)

LOL, one of my relatives is a "famous person" with millions of fans. NEWSFLASH: Celebrities aren't demigods, they're people who won the fame lottery. Most are rather ordinary outside of the public sphere. "Mean Anon" has been doxxed, her name is Joanna Blake and she works at the University of Sussex. UoS just so happens to be a Tavistock center. Tavistock is basically the RL Ministry of Truth and is deeply involved with brainwashing techniques such as MKUltra. All of this is very well-documented and talent alone is rarely enough to get you to the top. Especially in politics and showbiz, having a certain pedigree and MKUltra programming gives you a leg up. How do I know what I do? Thanks to extensive research and leaks from inside contacts. I was selected from among the top 1.5% for GATE, if my parents hadn't been overprotective I could have been MKd. At least two of my friends were subjected to TBMC and are going to need therapy for the rest of their life. One of them had a grandfather who came to the US via Project Paperclip, the whole family spoke German. Before you start accusing others of "antisemitism" you may want to take a look at how the ADL is faring. Many groups have been the victims of genocide but only one keeps using it as a free pass to lord over and censor others. If Zionists were singled out by the Nazis why did they turn around and behave just like them towards the Palestinians? Because they are two sides of the same Saturnian coin, Black Cube/Black Sun. I've talked about how many modern Jews aren't Hebrew or even Semitic, being mostly descended from converts. The most destructive schism in Judaism was the Sabbatean-Frankist heresy that arose in the late 1600s. Rabbi Antelman explained how it took his people down a very dark path that has dire implications for all of humanity. Turns out an antinomian doomsday cult hell bent on bringing about the end times has a bad influence on society. Who'd a thunk? This subject is of particular interest because of our ancestral ties to Moises De Leon, author of the Zohar. It is considered the greatest Kabbalistic treatise of all time but I'm pretty sure he would be horrified by modern "mysticism". Many of the bizarre beliefs espoused by occultists like the inversion of everything (not just gender) are a deliberate corruption of what he taught. As for the world power structure? Most politicians you see are just frontmen, it's all optics to pacify the plebs with an illusion of democracy. The same ol' ruling families hoarded so much wealth that they're still running the show BTS. It should also come as no surprise that many behave like the Borgias 🙄...

PS: Aeltri is the name of a Light Elf from Marvel's Thor. My PFP is based on a LOTR comic strip about Noldor grudges, hence the Burn Book.

[tojikai]

Drama, Pregnancy, Cheating, Trauma, and Mommy Issues. OH HOW I MISSED THIS STORY.

(I'm apologizing now because for each chapter I'm genuinely just going to send a long ask of my thoughts and reactions that I had while reading. Beware.)

Chapter: IX

The mommy issues and trauma really shone through during this chapter. Hate how I could relate. It truly sucks having a parent who's a good person but a bad parent. Y/N love please get therapy. If not for yourself at least for your baby. You deserve to have some peace of mind. Especially after everything she's gone through.

He’d only choose you if she wasn’t one of the choices. MA'AM. You can't keep throwing sentences in here like this. You keep breaking my heart. That just hurt 🥹

Imma need Rie to shut up and not start stuff. So glad she kept her mouth quiet when talking to our mother. But she genuinely needs to realize that the person at fault is not y/n. It's Hoetoru's. He was the one in a relationship. He cheated when he was in a relationship with Y/N idk why you thought he'd be loyal with you but whatever.

When I tell you I cheered when she said you're not my boyfriend. GET HIM GIRL.

I've never liked Suguru but I like your version of him. He makes me feel things and I quite frankly don't appreciate it 😭. I just keep thinking about those tattoos. Especially when he rolled his sleeves up at the bar. IT'S NOT FAIR.

Not Hoejo saying you locked him out like he lives there or something. My guy go home, she don't want you. Be like Elsa and let it go.

Please tell me that this is the beginning of a budding romance between y/n and Suguru because honey that would be a plot twist. She never gets back together with Hoetoru, her baby has 3 parents who are all present in their life and everyone gets therapy. I feel like that's not gonna happen though. I'm going to be sad by the end of this series aren't I? Sigh.

Why does he need to know about y'all's business? Y'all are two grown adults who did a bit of the Devil's Tango. It happens. Hoejo don't gotta know what y'all be doing on the down low. You're still gonna tell him aren't you Geto? Please don't.

I need Gojo to stop acting like a boyfriend and start acting like a father. All you need to do it take care of Y/N and the health of the baby. All this other mess is extra. We don't need extra. We need you to be a responsible adult for just one day. I know it's hard for you hun but at least pretend or something.

I JUST KNOW HE ISN'T TALKING. I had to sit away from my phone after Hoetoru got mad at Geto. He really said I know I'm not her boyfriend but.... That's when he should've stopped talking but no he just had to keep going. 🤦🏽‍♀️ You mad? Aw poor thing. Could've all been avoided if you just drove her home and let it be.

Maybe it's just me. But I don't see anything wrong with what y/n did with Suguru. Maybe it's just my fury toward Gojo distorting my values but honestly I'm not seeing how this is a betrayal. But whatever, if y'all feel guilty i can't do anything about that. But I promise you that this betrayal is nowhere near as bad as what Gojo did. But to each his own. Y'all are better than I'll ever be.

HOW COME GOJO GOT TO PUNCH HIM? SKIP YOUR FEELINGS HOE! THIS WOULDN'T HAVE HAPPENED IF YOU DIDN'T CHEAT. I HATE IT HERE.

Previous sentence cancelled Geto got to punch him too. Oh nononono please I can't, don't make me cry. I loved her first. *Sobs loudly* Suguru is a true friend and even if he doesn't get y/n I hope he gets some closure.

I think it's interesting how Gojo and Geto are like 2 sides of the same coin. Both are willing to go through heaven and hell for this woman to be happy. However, Gojo is selfish while Geto is more selfless. Gojo keeps trying to force something despite the discomfort and pain that he's causing y/n. When Geto was just willing to let his feelings go because he knew it'd make things easier in y/n. I'm sure there's some people out there who'd love having a partner like Gojo who's willing to fight. But sometimes the best course of action is letting go. Especially if it's for the happiness of the person that you love.

He poured his heart out to you and you still... I don't have the energy to be mad at you anymore. I'm just done.

Oh that ending. Way to keep us on our toes.

I think the main reason why I love this story so much is the way you write makes me so emotionally attached to these characters. If only Gojo didn't cheat. If only Geto didn't give up on his feelings towards y/n. If only Gojo didn't drive Rie home that day. If only. If only. If only. It breaks my heart knowing all the possible outcomes and how this story's ending is most likely going to be bittersweet. But I can definitely tell how much you love what you're doing and how hard you've worked on this. This takes a lot of skill, time, and energy. So thank you. I'm gonna cry so hard when I get to this epilogue.

wow omgg i really enjoyed reading this !! it's nice to read a new perspective about what yn and geto did. gojo's character didn't want to be angry abt it, really. he's just so hurt and he also thinks that he doesn't have the right to be hurt bc of what he did. it's like all actions that he can take can be valid yet also invalid at the same time. it opened up the situation between them and yn before all of it. AND i like how you compared gojo and geto's love for yn !! it's nice to know that someone would fight with their whole heart and never give you up but it's also great to know that someone would rather hurt and let you go if it means your happiness🥺anyways thank you soooo much for your support, that means A LOT to me <33 i hope you're doing well ~!!

[mesillusionssousecstasy]

TSITP 2x06 - "Love Fest" : Quotes

"- I don't know I'm kind of happy here, and not in a pharmaceutically induced way. (Skye) - And I want you to be happy. I want you to know them. (Julia) - Do you? Because it kind of feels like you've kept me away and only told me all the bad stuff. But, I don't know, I mean, this place is king of lime our last tie to them. (Skye) - (...) Just.... don't be surprised if the phone doesn't ring. (Julia) - I know you genuinely believe that you're gonna get closure by selling this house, but you're not. You never will. (Skye) - What makes you so sure? (Juila) - Because you're not selling it for closure or for money or any of the other reasons. You're selling it for confirmation. That you could... that we could never belong here. That if you tried, it would just be shitmas all over again. (Skye) "- Don't tell me you bought your own Christmas gifts, too. (Julia) - Hey, at least I'm guaranteed to get exactly what I want. (Susannah) (...) - Can you just quit with the martyr mentality? Jesus, you're making her out to be like Meredith Blake or whatever he name is from The Parent Trap." (Susannah) - So you think I made it up? (Julia) - Mom, obviously not. I mean, your dad was an emotionally withholding prick. And Aunt Susannah was in denial about her parents' shittiness. But the moment Conrad and Jeremiah came to you with a version of their house and their family that didn't fit, you just shut down. I mean, instead of hearing them out, you got rid of all their suff and took the first offer on the table? Mom. You have the biggest heart, and it really sucks to see you close it off because of the past." (Skye)

"- Okay. So, I know things aren't going so great right now, but it's always the darkest before the dawn, right? (Jeremiah) - It's over. (Conrad) - No. Our last memory here can't be this. Everyone miserable and defeated. I mean, this place deserves a better goodbye than that. (Belly) - Like what? My mom came to the beach house with Susannah for the first time after her dad died. And it was supposed to be just the two of them, but Susannah hated how empty the house felt, so she decided to throw a huge party. Everyone was dancing and drinking, and they went swimming at midnight. And Susannah said it was like Gatsby or something. So I say that we throw a party, too." (Belly)

"- But, yes, Taylor does have some good therapy in her back pocket, despite her questionable sources. You... tend to either live way up here, where everything is awesome, or way down here, where everything's shit." (Steven)

"- You know those places you always end up in your dreams? You know, your subconscious brain takes you there 'cause it's a safe space in real life? (Jeremiah) - Yeah. (Belly) - This house is that for me. And after today, I'll only ever get to swim in this pool in my dreams. It's weird. (Jeremiah) - Well... I mean, if if time is running out... (Belly) - You did not just do that. (Jeremiah) - Sorry. You were going dark. I had to save you from yourself. (Belly) - Is that all you got? (Jeremiah) - Yeah! No! (Belly) - You know, I never thought we were gonna lose this place. Did you? (Belly) - No. Never. (Jeremiah) - I always thought I loved this place as much as I possibly could. Now I... I can't help but think I didn't love it enough." (Belly)

"- Babe? (Milo) - Yes, baby, I'm-I'm here. (Taylor) - When are you coming back? I'm trying to write some new songs, but I need my muse next to me." (Milo)

"- Uh, gin for Skye. (Jeremiah) - Who drinks gin? (Belly) - Old people and Skye." (Jeremiah)

"- Oh, no. What, your I.D. didn't work, Mr. Herbertson? (Jeremiah) - Fuck off. At least I have one. (Conrad) - What? Listen, it's 'cause I don't need one, all right? Jumper and I are tight. You know, we're, like, bros. Come one, how hard could it be? Watch and learn. (Jeremiah) - Oh, look at that face. (Conrad) - So, what? Do you want to, like, pay someone to go in and buy it for us or... ? Try a different store? (Jeremiah) - Yeah. Hop a few towns over, where they don't know us as well? (Conrad) - Yeah, I just don't think that anyone is gonna buy your Guam I.D. (Belly) - I would love to hear your plan, Isabel. (Conrad) - Why don't I just go in and ask? (Belly) - That's not gonna work. (Conrad) - He's right, it's not gonna work. (Jeremiah) - Okay." (Belly)

"- No. No, no, I'm not. (Belly) - Oh? (Jumper) - I'm gonna tell you the truth, and then you can decide if you want to help me out. Uh, so here's the deal. It's been a really crappy six weeks. (Belly) - Yeah, I, I heard about their mom. (Jumper) - And I'm sure, um, you heard the house was for sale. (Belly) - Was? (Jumper) - It actually sold this morning. So tonight is our last night here, for, like, ever. (Belly) - Whoa. That blows. (Jumper) - Yeah, I know. It really, really blows. Have you ever just had, like, the shittiest day and all you want to do is just hang out with your friends and have a beer?" (Belly - Seriously Belly)

"- Let's get this in the car quick. And do not get pulled over on the way home, or I'll say you stole it while I was on the john. (Jumper) - I can't believe you just asked. (Jeremiah) - I can't believe it worked. (Conrad) - Come on, you guys. Not everything has to be so complicated. (Belly) - For me? (Jeremiah) - Yeah. (Belly) - What's you get me? (Jeremiah) - Drink it and see. (Belly) - Half cherry, half Coke. Your specialty. Nice. (Jeremiah) - Yeah. (Belly) - Where's mine? (Conrad) - You always say they're too sugary. (Belly) - Yeah, well, I'm thirsty, so too bad. Mm. It's too sugary. And I thought cocoa was your specialty." (Conrad)

"- All right, so what's the plan here? (Conrad) - Uh, I mean, it's a rager, right? (Belly) - So, go big. How big are we talking, Bells? (Jeremiah) - Right. I mean, are we talking, like.... Dad's Amex big or... ? (Conrad) - The sacred emergency Amex? Are you thinking what I'm thinking? (Jeremiah) - What? (Belly) - Blow-up furniture, strobe lights, bubble machines... the whole shebang. (Jeremiah) - Yes, yes and yes. (Belly) - Yes? Okay. Last one to fill a cart has to load it all in. Go! (Jeremiah) - Wait. Wait. Wait. Stop!" (Belly)

"- Retro vibes? (Steven) - Yeah. (Taylor) - That's sweet. He. I would come to this. I would at least stop by. (Steven) - Oh, my God. Please. You wouldn't even be on the guest list if you weren't throwing the party. No, but, look, I tagged Marisa and Dara. I mean, who else? (Taylor) - Please. Look, they're the biggest gossips in town. Everybody in Cousins will know about this party in no time. (Steven) - You think Shayla will come? (Taylor) - No. No, she in Ibiza. (Steven) - Oh. (Taylor) - And, yes, she calls it "Ib-eeth-a". (Steven) - No way. (Taylor) - No! You do that one more time, it's off the list. (Steven) - Whatever. Like you didn't put it on here specially for me. (Taylor) - Okay, yeah. Only because you and Belly forced me and my mom to watch your little dance routine ad nauseam. (Steven) - Okay, that is an overexaggeration! (Taylor) - 'Cause how I remember it is a little a flair with a leg kick." (Steven)

"- There is nothing fun in your cart. This is a party. (Belly) - These plates have glitter on 'em. (Conrad) - You need to get out more, Conrad. No, it's not that. Can we just talk about the elephant in the room that I feel like we both are pretending isn't there? (Belly) - Yeah. Of course. (Conrad) - I've been trying to figure out how to say it. How to apologize for that day. Susannah's funeral. (Belly) - Belly, you don't have to apologize for that. (Conrad) - Please. Just let me say this. I never meant to make that day about me. I was awful to you. I mean, I'm so ashamed of how I acted. It's just not how I wanted the day to go at all. I wanted to be there for you. That's why I went to go find you in the rec room. It's not fine. It wasn't fine. And I saw Aubrey and it's not like we were together anymore. It's not like I had any right. (Belly) - Of course you did. I was having a panic attack. I just crumbled. Felt like I couldn't breathe. Aubrey was just the one who found me. I really wish it was you. (Conrad) - Hey, Jere. We almost done. (Belly) - Cool. Uh, hurry up then. (Jeremiah) - Leave 'em around so everybody can take pictures at the party. We got to get one of all of us together. Like Susannah made us do every summer. (Belly) - That's a good idea." (Jeremiah)

"- Okay, but so I part my teeth first and then stick my tongue out? (Skye) - What are you guys talking about? (Belly) - Apparently Skye's never kissed anybody. (Taylor) - Which is completely normal and fine. (Belly) - I know. Externally imposed societal expectations of "normal" have no effect on me. That being said, I've decided that I am ready and willing and would like to know what to do with the various parts of my mouth when it meets another mouth. (Skye) - You want to take this one? I mean, Belly's the expert. Cam, Jere, Conrad.... (Taylor) - Taylor. (Belly) - What was it like kissing all them? Was it different? And in what ways? And feel free to be as technical as humanly possible. (Skye) - Yeah, Belly, spare no detail. What happened? (Taylor) - Um, me first kiss with Cam was really, really sweet. And with Conrad, I wasn't even in my body. I think I kind of blacked out. Uh, and with... Jeremiah, ... I thought it would be really weird 'cause we've been friends for so long, but.... It was surprisingly really hot. Like, really, really hot. Pretty hot. (Belly) - Well, then, out of all three, who would you kiss again? (Skye) - Isn't it obvious? (Taylor) - No comment. (Belly) - But is there ever a situation in which it's, like, all teeth and no tongue? (Skye) - Stop let yourself be in the moment and everything else will come naturally. (Belly) - Yeah. Just make sure they moisturize. (Taylor) - Care to explain? (Belly) - Milo is obsessed with lip balm. It honestly changes the game. (Taylor) - Try not to overthink it. Okay? I mean, your first kiss is supposed to feel like a dream. It there's any place where dreams come true, it's here." (Belly)

"- And Jeremiah's been swallowed by the garage. (Conrad) - You know, I always hated when Mom made us take these photos. It's like she knew we'd want them later though. (Jeremiah) - Oh, dude. No. We're so young. I can barely even remember some of those summers. (Conrad) - What if it all fades? All our memories of her. (Jeremiah) - It won't. Hey. When the movers get that stuff to Boston, the first thing I'm gonna do is I'm gonna find that picture Mom painted of you last summer. Because I never want to forget that thing. (Conrad) - You suck. (Jeremiah) - I think a museum might take it. I'm being honest with you. (Conrad) - All right. Get out of here. (Jeremiah) - I think everyone deserves to get to see Greek god Jeremiah." (Conrad)

"- Hey, what's in there? (Belly) - Oh, you know, bunch of stuff. (Jeremiah) - Oh, my God! Susannah's roller skates. I haven't seen these in forever. (Belly) - Right? (Jeremiah) - Wow. You think they fit? (Belly) - Okay, just don't throw up on anyone doing spins, all right? (Jeremiah) - That was one time. (Belly) - I had to throw that shirt away. (Jeremiah) - Okay. What else is in here? Let's see. I actually have this one, uh, taped on the mirror in my bedroom. (Belly) - Yeah. Look at how you're mooning over Conrad. (Jeremiah) - It was a long time ago. (Belly) - Really? 'Cause it seemed like you were looking at him like that earlier. (Jeremiah) - No. I wasn't. (Belly) - At the store. Felt like I was... walking in on something. (Jeremiah) - Uh, it's... it's kind of hard to explain. I mean, I think.... sometimes you're getting over your past and-and moving on in-in the present all at the same time. I don't know. Does that make any sense?" (Belly)

"- You look hot. (Taylor) - Really? It's not too much? (Belly) - No. Jeremy's gonna love it. (Taylor) - What? (Belly) - Mmm-mm. You've been looking at him all day like he's this ice cream cone you're dying to lick. (Taylor) - Taylor! Shh! Please. (Belly) - Sorry. (Taylor) - That's so... Mm, it's just... (Belly) - It's complicated. (Taylor) - Yeah, no that's exactly what he said to me. After he told me that he didn't kiss me during the truth or dare because, if he started kissing me, he wouldn't be able to stop. (Belly) - Belly, that's, like, Wattpad-level hot. (Taylor) - I know. (Belly) - You could sell that. (Taylor) - I know. But then... I don't know... there was..., like, this weird moment with Conrad today. (Belly) - I don't want to talk about Conrad. He really hurt you. (Taylor) - I know. It was probably just echoes. You know? (Belly) - It sounds messy. You know, just be careful, okay? (Taylor) - Yeah. No, you're right. Right. Uh, yeah. I will be. You know, besides, like, tonight is about something bigger. Yeah. It's party time, Yeah? (Belly) - You got this? (Taylor) - Yeah. (Belly) - All right, get dressed quick. (Taylor) - Okay." (Belly)

"- Oh, my God. (The gang) - Oh, my God, Marisa, I'm so glad you were in town. (Belly) - Oh, my God, me too. The gang's back together. (Nicole) - Yeah. I mean... Kind of. (Dara) - I heard about Gigi's dad. That sucks. (Belly) - Okay, she's fine. There's a documentary crew following her, and she thinks she's the next Kim K. (Dara) - Dara, you signed an NDA. You're not supposed to say anything. (Marisa and Nicole) - Okay, who cares? She told literally everyone. (Dara) - Tell me you didn't miss this drama. (Nicole) - No, I actually... I really did. (Belly) - We missed you. (The gang) - Oh, all right. I will be right back." (Belly)

"- Whoa! - Oh, shit. (Cam) - You don't need to hurt yourself to get my attention. (Jeremiah) - Uh, I got to get another one. So I'll BRB." (Belly)

"- No, I don't think so. (Steven) - Right. O... (Conrad) - Look, I'm rooting for you, bro, just don't fucking break her heart again. (Steven) - Says the guy who's been following Taylor around all night. (Conrad) - Oh, uh, no, I fully cop to that. Come one, man, who's she fooling, you know? (Steven) - You know she has a boyfriend, right? Just... Technically. (Conrad) - Okay, but he's all wrong for her, so... (Steven) - All right, all right. I'm not snitching. I'm just saying, bro. Be careful." (Conrad)

"- If that's gin, I'm killing you. (Conrad) - Aw, it's tequila, come on. (Jeremiah) - Okay, cups up. Listen, no matter how much time passes or how far apart we are, we're always gonna love you guys, okay? (Jeremiah) - All right? All right? - Aw, Jeremy, you cheeseball. (Taylor) - All right, to the last night!"

"- So, is she here? (Milo) - Yeah, I mean, she's around somewhere. (Skye) - Sick. Do you want to give me a direction? Like, east, west, something? (Milo) - We don't know where she is, dude. Sorry (Cam) - Yeah, I mean, she's probably wherever Steven is, so... (Skye) - Then that's where I'll be. (Milo) - What was that? (Cam) - Potentially toxic stew of masculinity masquerading as burning love? (Skye) - Right, and you just stirred it all up. (Cam) - Yeah. (Skye) - We got to warn Taylor. (Cam) - We should find Taylor. (Syke) (...) - I feel like we fulfilled our duty. You know? (Skye) - Yeah. (Cam) - Like, whatever happens next is in the hands of fate and Milo's creepily moisturized lips. (Skye) - I cannot believe that dude drove over 300 miles to make, like, this grand declaration of love for Taylor. (Cam) - I mean, is that, like, a dude thing? Acting on pure instinct and bravado and giving no fucks. (Skye) - It's definitely not a Cam thing. (Cam) - I don't know, maybe it should be. You know, life is short. Cellular decline awaits us all. These vessels are fleeting and finite, no? (Skye) - Yeah, I guess I kind of do have a minor tendency to play it safe. (Cam) - Major tendency. No judgments. (Skye) - You ever been skinny dipping? (Cam) - Is that an invitation? (Skye) - Oh. No. I mean, I wasn't... Uh, no. I was just talking about this, this one time last summer, a bunch of my friends went skinny dipping, and I chickened out, and I still regret it. (Cam) - Like you're gonna regret not getting on that boat? (Skye) - You know what? I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna get on that damn boat. (Cam) - You know... if we are being bold... I was wondering... maybe I could kiss you? I mean, totally feel free to say no. My bad if I was, like, misreading... (Skye) - Yes. (Cam) - Yeah?" (Skye)

"- Taylor you win. (Steven) - I win what? (Taylor) - This. Whatever we're doing. First person to admit they-they caught feelings loses, right? So, I lose. You win. (Steven) - Okay, drama queen. (Taylor) - Stop, Stop. I'm being serious right now, okay? I like you. Even when you were just my little sister's annoying best friend. Like, you were always just this person who was around, and now you're someone I miss when they're not around. I don't know how it happened, or when it happened... But now, you're my favorite person. Come on. Say something, please." (Steven) "- Thank you. (Belly) - Cheers. (Jeremiah) - Hey, where is everyone? I mean, we have to take that, uh, group picture. (Belly) - Oh, I can track them down if you want. Uh, last time I saw Steven he was with Tay-Tay, actually. What's going on there? Yeah, this house has seen its fair share of make-outs. Yeah. You know I had my first kiss in this house? (Jeremiah) - Really? (Belly) - Mm-hmm. And my second, on the same night. (Jeremiah) - Wow. Scandalous. (Belly) - Yeah. (Jeremiah) - Whose hearts were you breaking? (Belly) - You remember Christy Turnduck? (Jeremiah) - Turducken? (Belly) - Yes. The Turducken, yeah. Uh, and then, um, our neighbour at the time. Uh, what was his name? (Jeremiah) - Oh, Clay Bertolet. (Belly) - Um... Yes. Yeah. - No way. You know, he once broke a window in the garage and blamed me. (Belly) - Really? (Jeremiah) - Yeah. (Belly) - He was a good kisser, though. Not as good as you." (Jeremiah)

"- Fight! (Partygoer) - Bro, you need to go. (Steven) - I don't think that's up to you. (Milo) - Can we just go outside and-and cool off a moment, please? (Taylor) - She doesn't even want you here. (Steven) - Shut up, Steven. (Taylor) - Oh, trust me, she wants me. Everywhere. All the time. (Milo) - Can you not do that right now? (Taylor) - Oh! (crowd) - Oh, my God. (Taylor) - Steven. (Jeremiah) - Babe, this is for you. (Milo) - I literally don't even want this. (Taylor) - What is happening? (Belly) - No idea. (Taylor) - Come on, man! - Kick his ass, Steven. - You got it, Steven. - Come on! Get over here! Help! - Milo, stop! You're embarrassing me right now. (Taylor) - Man, fuck this. Come one, Taylor, let's go. These people are too pedestrian for us anyways. (Milo) - These people are my friends. Do you even know me? Like, at all? (Taylor) - Babe, what are you talking about? You're my girl. (Milo) - What's my middle name? (Taylor) - .... (Milo) - Yeah, I can't do this anymore. It's over. (Taylor) - Taylor.... (Milo) - It's Madison. Her middle name is Madison." (Steven)

"- Guys, so I've been texting with my mom, and she was able to put a condition into the sale. Since the buyers are only gonna use this place as a vacation home, they're agreed to let you rend the place for one week every summer. (Syke) - Wait... (Belly) - Wait, are you serious? We get to come back? Oh, my God, Skye, this is amazing. Oh, my God! (Jeremiah) - No, it's not. You can tell your mom thanks, but no. (Conrad) - Come on, Conrad, at least hear them out. It's over. Why are you the only one that gets to make this decision? (Jeremiah) - Jere, we're not gonna pay another family to rent our house. (Conrad) - This isn't our house anymore. (Jeremiah) - Exactly. Let it go. (Conrad) - Yeah, 'cause you're an expert at that. (Jeremiah) - Jere. (Belly) - No, no, this is the shit he does. When things aren't perfect, instead of trying to fix it, he just decides to throw it away. And it's not just the house. You did it to Belly, too. You came to me, you fucking begged me for my blessing to be with her. (Jeremiah) - Is that true? (Belly) - Jere, that was between us. (Conrad) - Yeah, it's fucking true. You know, when shit got tough, he couldn't handle it, and he dropped you. (Jeremiah) - Shut up, Jere. Don't use me to get at him. (Belly) - Belly, come on. (Jeremiah) - You know what? I don't want to be a part of this, okay? (Belly) - Belly... (Jeremiah) - Way to go, Jere. I mean, real classy. (Conrad) - Yeah. You're a real fucking asshole, you know that? (Jeremiah) - Grow up, Jere. (Conrad) - I did grow up! I watched Mom slip away a little bit every single day, while you were at college or with Belly or moping around after you screwed that up. (Jeremiah) - Jere, you know for a fact that I came home every second I could. (Conrad) - But it wasn't every day. (Jeremiah) - Okay, Okay. What do you want, a medal? (Conrad) - You know, I looked up to you every day of my life. And when people said that you were better than me, I wouldn't mind because I believed them, too. But you're not. Now I finally see you for who you really are. (Jeremiah) - What's that? (Conrad) - A coward. You're not someone to look up to. You're not even somebody I want to know." (Jeremiah)

"- Belly! Belly, come back inside. I'm not dragging your dead body out of the ocean if you drown out there. Come out of the water, Belly. (Conrad) - Leave me alone. (Belly) - I can't. (Conrad) - No. What are you... No! Hey! Hey! Hey, put me down! (Belly) - You're drunk, Belly. (Conrad) - Just put me down! Conrad! (Belly) - I'm not gonna put you down. (Conrad) - Let go! Let go! (Belly) - Belly... Come on. Let me help you. Come on. (Conrad) - J-Just go, okay? (Belly) - I'm not leaving you, Belly. (Conrad) - But you already did. (Belly) - Why didn't you tell me you went to Jeremiah about us? Why? Why didn't... (Belly) - I don't know. (Conrad) - If I had known... that you'd done that... that you cared that much about me, and about us.... If I had known, then I would've fought for you. (Belly) - What do you mean? (Conrad) - Fought for us. I would've fought for us. I mean, at prom and at the funeral. I mean, I... would've been there for you, through everything. - I thought you knew. (Conrad) - From the moment we kissed on the beach... (Belly) - I thought you knew. (Conrad) - Then why? Why? Why did you throw it all away? Why? I th... I thought that we loved each other. (Belly) - We did. (Conrad) - I guess not enough." (Belly)

"- I'm really sorry about what happened. (Steven) - It's okay. He shouldn't have come all this way and made a scene like that. I mean, I feel kind of bad. I mean, I don't know... (Taylor) - So, look, what I was saying earlier... (Steven) - You take it all back? (Taylor) - What, do you want me to? You have to say what you want, Taylor. It's your move. (Steven) - You remembered my middle name. (Taylor) - Taylor Madison Jewel." (Steven) "- Belly, come swim with us. Yeah. (The gang) - Are you okay? (Nicole) - Everything is wrong. I promised Susannah I wouldn't lose the magic, but it's gone." (Belly)

"- Mommy. I need you. I'm at the summer house. Susannah's house, except it's not hers anymore, and everything is going wrong, and the boys may never speak to each other again. Just come, please, okay? Just come, please, okay? Just come and fix it.

[joshlane]

THE INSPIRATION BEHIND… JOSHUA AKIO LANE

coastline / hollow coves 🎧

breathe in / mat kearney 🎧

three little birds / branches 🎧

josh is … vintage motorcycles, old worn leather, early morning sunrises, a smooth ocean, the lake's ripples, psychology books on a windowsill, old cars under streetlights, sex, laughter at family dinner, white t-shirts stained with grease and oil.

Although there aren't a lot of fictional characters that I drew inspiration from to create Josh, there is one that probably kickstarted my desire to play a psychologist: Alex Delaware. A huge fan of the book series for years, I have always loved Alex as a character, and when I started drawing up ideas for Josh, having a psychologist burnt out on all of the bullshit that goes along with it and just wanting to help people was the focus point. Josh borrows my love of outdoors, fascination with old cars, having fish, being in love with lakes, being more of a tea than coffee person, dislike of being cooped up and, unfortunately, my anxiety.

From there, I wanted to create a character that was very outdoorsy, loved being on the water, which made him an excellent lake dweller, someone who woke with the sun and stayed up late watching the stars over the water. To go with the outdoorsy personality, it made sense to me to give him a love of bikes (and a good bonding point with his birth father, who I decided to make run the bike garage in town). From there, giving Josh a love of antique cars made sense, too, considering one of my kids had to -- I love looking at car shows.

Family was a huge factor in creating Josh. I know that often adoption storylines feature the parent(s) who did the adopting, and don't touch on those who brought the child into the world, one way or another. I thought that giving Josh a parent who wanted to get in touch with his child might show a different side of that, not to mention how he was welcomed into the Lane family, and treated as one of their own. It was very important to me that he have a good relationship with his entire family. Tokato and Josh working shoulder to shoulder on a business together was inspired by my own living in a small town, and knowing how often it happened.

Personality wise, Josh of today is a cinnamon roll; he likes to see the good in the world around him, and look on the bright side of life. The kind of person I think a lot of people (myself included) wish they could be… and mostly designed that way because I wanted an escape from all of the negativity and darker stories in life. Other than his adoption and his own mental health issues, Josh has had an easy, good life, and I don't think you come across a lot of characters in roleplay or people in real life who can and will say that. One thing that probably would have surprised a lot of people about Josh is how open he is with relationships: clean cut, good boy, yes. But he has no intentions on marrying or having kids of his own, and has been with more women that he can count, most casually, and has dated multiple people at once. Because of his 'goodie two shoes' lifestyle, I thought that giving him a personal life that was more open, and more sex-based would just be a happy change and surprise to others. And then Josh surprised me by falling for Espie.

Another huge inspiration in creating Josh was: mental health. I struggle with it, who doesn't? I decided to put that to good use. Josh, as a kid, struggled badly with anxiety and was prone to panic attacks. Over time, he started therapy and got the help that he needed, which inspired him to help others, in return. Because we all love a good transformation from the kid fumbling over his words and trying not to cry while presenting a school project into a man in his 40s giving a motivational speech to a group of teenagers looking for guidance. Who rides a badass bike and has a cute dog.

[celestial-desiree]

it sucks that i never experienced romantic teenage love. i know it is romanticized in today's society a lot but the fact, that i was always unwanted, the not-so-pretty girl who wasn't anybody's crush during those developing years JUST MAKES ME TERRIBLY SAD. especially today, because one year ago i felt the most happiest because i thought someone wanted me?? i don't even care about him anymore, it wasn't love after all, i just wanted to feel something because all my life i've been feeling like i'm a piece of unworthy shit. i don't even know where it comes from. because i was bullied? because of my parents behaviour in my childhood? i haven't spoken with my father since 1 week now. i didn't have the energy to call him. but i thought about him. my mother says she's feeling happier because of my presence. i mean, I'm glad she feels this way because she deserves happiness. but how do i feel? terrible. i'm ashamed of the things i've been put through. i cannot find a way to verbalize my feelings because i'm full of shame. honestly, i don't know what would help me. probably friends. and therapy. i feel like i am a big mess nobody wants to care about. but it is an irrational thought because lot of people love me. i just want to find my own tribe. with whom i can talk about literally anything and i wouldn't feel like they bore me or i bore them or they would occasionally call me or text me to meet but it never happens this way. i cannot seem to find connection. i am so alone. i don't even know why i live. i love music and concerts. but other than that? i'm so lost ://

i hate those fucking boys too, with whom i could have had a connection but they were afraid to talk to me, or losers, or ignorant piece of shits, i really don't understand why people can't speak openly. i would feel shit if they had rejected me, but living in constant doubt is far more worse. i hope someone, in the future will give me that something i need rn because i fear without that i might fall apart. i'm counting on you, love.

i don't even know why i am so unlucky in love. i want to love someone badly. there's no one at my disposal and it makes me sad. sad sad sad fragile thing. that is me. where are you my love i need you, don't leave me dry

i don't even know what to do with my heart. it constatly breaks. AND IT HURTS SO MUCH CARRYING ALL THIS LOVE. I KNOW I SHOULD GIVE IT TO MYSELF. BUT I'M NOT EVEN SURE I COULD BECAUSE INSIDE ME I MIGHT NOT WORTHY ALL OF THE GOOD THINGS. WHY AM I PUNISHING MYSELF???? I SHOULD BE MY BIGGEST SUPPORTER. BUT I'M NOT

I MISS MY BEST FRIEND. I DON'T EVEN HAVE THAT "BEST FRIEND". it's all bullshit. got no friends got no lover. i love my two best friends. maybe it's a me problem, because i suppressed myself for a long time. i don't know.

my mother loves to talk about herself. i'm not the one who likes to talk about herself easily. my father likes to talk about his things. but he doesn't openly talk to me about things. only just the surface. they will literally never know me, never know what i like, what i love, what I fear from, it's just my saving mechanism, what I adopted??? i'm in a terrible mess :(((((

I WANT MY MEDICINE I WANT THIS ACHE TO GO AWAY I WANT A LOVING BOYFRIEND I WANT SUPPORT I WANT EMOTIONAL BOND I WANT TO TALK I WANT TO LOVE I WANT TO CRY IN THE ARMS OF MY BELOVED ONE I WANT TO SCREAM MY HEART OUT AND BURST INTO TEARS IN FRONT OF EVERYONE

I miss everyone I ever met or interacted with with whom I created a little bond

why are you not here? i'll wait for you. i know you will come.

those fucking trains. are you over me? did you ever care about me? or i was an average person? do you think i am a crazy girl? do you lose yourself and wonder? please come back. but i know you won't because you are lame. you aren't man enough. or you just never cared. you're nowhere to be found. mindig is kis zsibbadás maradsz. why couldn't you be the one? why couldn't you make your moves? why why why why why. FUCK YOU FUCK FUCK YOU. i wish i had felt terrible because of you. but it's not about you anymore, i guess. I JUST HATE WHEN PEOPLE CAN'T SAY HOW THEY FEEL ABOUT ME.

those sweet little things you said. i liked those. but it was a hell of a ride to silence them as you left. i wanted you. we could have been good friends. i couldn't control my desires. you already has a relationship. again. and it's not just about sex. it's great. such a shame i can't get over things. if i could, i would have lot of friends and i wouldn't be so fucking afraid of EVERYTHING.

put me in the ground. i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you te ghostolós fasz. geci, normális is lehettél volna azzal, hogy visszaírsz annyit, hogy bocsi, nem állok erre készen. kibaszott 21-22 évesek akik azt hiszik gecire érettek meg tapasztaltak miközben ugyanúgy parasztul viselkednek ahogy cserbenhagynak egy lányt. biztosan szarul esett volna a visszautasítás, de az, hogy ghostoltál, még szarabbul esett. BURJÁNZIK bennem a gyűlölet mindenki iránt. de legalább nem is tudlak lecsekkolni már. remélem jól érezd magad, te csicska geci fos gyász.

I SHOULD BE OVER THINGS I SHOULD BE GETTING OVER IT

i miss b, from 2019, why was such an idiot to-

sad sad sad lonely pathetic thing

[daily-thoughts96]

This whole roommate situation is starting to cause me to be overwhelmed and drained to the point where i don't know what to do with it anymore. My roommate seems to lack understanding of how i'm feeling in this situation. He doesn't care except for my husbands point of view on everything. Involving me just makes him pissed off and angry for no absolute reason. He talks about my husband making changes in his life, but he changed too? My husband changed for a better future, not changing who he is as a person. But my roommate changed as a person. He's not who he says he is and his behavior is beyond my imagination. You'd think therapy would be an outlet to let him know how to properly heal and approach situations. I haven't involved any friends or family in our situation until we were told he was talking to other people. He's told more than three people about the situation and yet, we've only told two friends and my sister about what is happening right now. We didn't involve anyone. We discussed how difficult life has been, but never extended into the whole situation. We kept it on the down low and thought it would be better to keep it between the people who are on the lease of the apartment. Times are tough, but our roommate made it worst. I detect his lies when he speaks about certain things. A liar to me can be spotted a mile away. When you grow up with narcissistic parents, you catch on to lies after cutting them out of your life for good. Now, i wish the situation was better, and not so gruesome, but he made it clear what his intentions are. We are starting to plan ahead with apartments, manufactured homes, or campers to decide what our next place to go is. This whole situation isn't new to us, and we are struggling with the high prices just as much as anyone else is. It's difficult and unruly. We are expected to get our life together, but the economy is screwing with that. Jobs screwing us over, or more so bosses at those jobs. We are expected to live bland, and small. No love to our home. No decor, not comfort. Nothing. We are living within our means, and sometimes we splerg on ourselves because we need a little pick me up. My husband and i aren't perfect by all means. We make mistakes. We don't have it figured out. Some people don't figure it out until they are fifty, or not even at all. My husband and i are in survival mode, and nothing compares to anything else. Would we like to be in a better place? Yes. But sometimes life is just so fucked. This roommate situation is just repeating factors. Except this time i'm being told we are using our roommate, which is wrong on all parts. Some people see using as, you refuse to pay for things. You refuse to help. But my husband and i aren't like that. We want to make sure we do our part, but right now it's not easy. My view of using a person is draining them of every penny they got. I don't ask my roommate for money to pay for our groceries. I don't ask him for money to pay for our hygeine products. I don't ask him to drive me everywhere i need to go. I don't ask him to feed my cat. I don't ask him to pay my other bills(not including rent with those bills). I know how it feels to be drained of every penny. My biological birth giver drained my husband and i of money. She never paid me to watch my siblings while she was at work. She never paid me back the money i helped with paying HER car payments and insurance. She never paid me back for buying my siblings food that she was supposed to buy. She never paid me back for the electronics i had to buy for her. She never paid me back for the wifi i was paying for. I know how it feels to actually be used. It's narcissistic tendencies. I would have had $5,000 saved in a savings account and building interest, but my adopted older sister screwed me out of that. Used me to pawn her own gain. If being paid back is more important than making sure we are actually doing okay, then you have issues. I've loaned money to my sister. And she always paid me back. She's loaned me money, and i always paid her back. I just want better..

[insistonyourcupofstars]

Oh I'm definitely not crying over your tags (that's a lie my heart is physically aching). I was about to say how do you get me like no one else but I remembered that you are... me? Just maybe in a different side of the world. And I feel some kind of comfort that you of all people feel the same as I do and are able to express and understand the emotions and thoughts that I haven't been able to put into words, and you just... understood.

It really is crazy how we always do our BEST to make everybody around us comfortable when we may not have felt a sense of comfort in a long time. And putting others first is a good thing until it starts to take from your own health and time to take care of yourself. And the part about wanting to analyze people who don't really know you but are so kind to you and they actually want to talk to you and hear about your day not as a compliment but because they actually want to is true and freakishly so. And I don't know what to say, stars. It's kind of sad that we aren't used to something that is supposed to be the normal for everybody else. Like, it's okay. We should allow ourselves to take chances and step out and accept that other people are kind too. I have no idea what to say I know I said it too many times but I love you stars so so much. And sorry I wrote an essay.

We are truly the same person in two different bodies. I will say, therapy the past few years has really helped me become the person I am today. Believe it or not, I actually was a lot more emotionally closed off to my family and friends because I was... just one of those kids growing up that was always lonely. My parents both had pretty traumatic childhoods, so they did everything in their power to make sure I didn't have what they did, and it worked. I, even to this day, am very close with my parents, and we get along great! However, my mom never let me play with the kids in my neighborhood, I was never allowed to go to sleepovers with school friends, and I was always around adults because I am an only child. So, I was actually a lot more emotionally mature than most of my peers, but I just couldn't interact with them naturally. I craved deep friendships and relationships, but I was also very awkward and clingy, so kids would very my friends, but they were never deep. I bounced around from friend group to friend group every school year (pre-k to 7th grade) because people either left or they straight up said they didn't want to be friends with me anymore (still remember that to this day. 2nd grade was rough man). When you constantly give your heart to people, hoping they'll cherish it, and they end up shattering it, it is horribly difficult to keep your heart on your sleeve.

I digress, therapy really helped me open back up (I still struggle deeply with abandonment issues - part of the reason this week was really hard - but I have been getting better), and I have been told I'm very introspective, so being able to verbalize my feelings has been a goal of mine.

Yeah, it has been brought to my attention that I to an unhealthy amount put everyone's happiness and comfortability before my own, and I really need to work on that. I've just now have started to set boundaries with my best friend, and my therapist brought up that those boundaries have been broken already, so I need to keep setting them up and communicate with her.

AND FOR WHAT? WHY ARE YOU KIND TO ME? WHY MUST YOU LOOK SO FOND OF ME? AND WHY AM I WANTING TO LEARN YOUR ENTIRE PERSONALITY????

ngl, I've kind of been a bit of a Mastermind ™️, just a little machiavellian, in getting this guy to open up to me because he is so anxious with emotions, so I've been very vulnerable in turn and it's a whole mess.

Mais, I adore and love you, and (clearly) I LOVE essays 💛💛💛💛💛

[shayprose]

On my gender identity

When I was really little, I was othered almost immediately. I never could be sure why; I played outside like all the other little boys, I loved climbing trees, I went fishing and camping with my dad and brother, I played soccer and ran cross country. I did all the rough-and-tumble things that kids my age did, and I enjoyed them.

Despite those objectively masculine activities, there was always a specter of difference hovering around me that everyone could see but me. My dad's friends would curl up their lips in revulsion at me when I would tell a story about the hummingbird I saw in our feeder and the cashiers at our local supermarket would make snide remarks to my mom when we were checking out, as if I couldn't hear them ("We gotta toughen that boy up, Cathy. He must be last picked often, eh?").

Words like "faggot" and "homo" and "queer" were starting to punctuate sentences when it came to any discourse about my existence, and all of it was said around me, never really at me. With my youthful indifference to the world, I sort of shrugged it off and assumed all of my friends experienced the same thing. Why would it be just me?

My tale isn't really a unique one, and I've told this story before. I bring it up again now because, after many, many months of therapy, something new has started to bubble up in my subconscious as a result of facing all of these scarring memories: I never really liked being called a "boy." To be clear, I don't think I would have liked being called a girl, either.

Before high school, when I was still hiding inside my very active imagination, where every tree stump represented a way to talk to the fairies my Irish grandmother taught me about, I wrinkled my nose when I'd hear people tell my parents that I "needed to harden up -- be a man." Then, when my friends started working out because it's what guys do, I felt a twinge of fear because I wasn't interested in that (but I started working out, anyway).

I started wondering why I was being told to spend my energy learning how to fight when I could be just as happy writing stories in my head about rescuing children from evil kingdoms? If "being a boy" meant I had to exchange my parents' old Halloween costumes, which let me pretend to be Winnifred Sanderson, for a set of free weights, then I wanted no part in it. I just didn't know what else I'd call myself except for "girl," and that didn't fit, either.

I knew that because my cousins explained that to me. They are two beautiful and talented, powerful women now, and they were raised in the south before they were transplanted to the ultra conservative north. As such, they had a fairly similar upbringing to mine -- girls were girls, through and through, and boys were boys.

When we'd play together, I was so excited to brush their Barbies' hair and would dress them up in different outfits, but I knew by then that I had to pretend to hate it because this is what girls did. Not boys. So I developed this covert ops way of getting them to let me play with their dolls that involved a lot of cajoling: "Come on, Aimee -- I bet I can braid her hair faster. And also, let's maybe exchange tops, because your Barbie is a princess and I think mine just wants to visit the fairy kingdom, right? Or am I wrong? I think I'm right." They would remind me that it was weird that I, a boy, wanted to play with their dolls, but they were good sports about it. Thank you for that.

As I got older, the conversations about my differences weren't happening around me anymore -- they were happening at me. It was blunt and always directed right at the tender softness of my identity, where it would hurt the most: "No one knows what you are. Are you a boy? Are you a girl?" "I'm surprised you aren't wearing a dress, you faggot," and "So many people want to kill you. My dad does, even, you freak."

So, I'll pause here because the stage is set -- you know the rest. There were a few harrowing years of suicidal ideation in high school, a lot of black clothing, and the shared desperation I found in a ragtag group of "band geeks" to round out my adolescent experience.

I was a gender betrayer and people knew it my whole life, well before I did. I paid the price in tears and blood, and am paying it now in a whole lot of therapy bills.

When I got to college and my worldview exploded outward for the diversity of it all, I learned in an anthropology class that "gay" and "lesbian" were actually their own genders now (this was more than a decade ago, folks -- go easy on me here) and that gay people in general of course didn't fit the primary genders of "man" and "woman."

'Salvation!' I thought. This explains everything. I lived my whole life as a gay and had no idea that it could mean my gender expression was meant to be different from the true men I grew up with. No WONDER I didn't fit in.

And then the bifurcation of the gay identity became clearer to me. I wasn't just a gay man -- I was a "femme." The lowest on the totem pole. This was pre-RuPaul's Drag Race phenomena, and I found myself having to work out again. In order to be heard or noticed -- or loved -- I had to pile on the masculinity, wherever it made sense, and I had to pretend to hate the rainbow-plastered paraphernalia of that culture. If I embraced it, I'd be pushed even further away from the acceptance I desperately craved, and so I dismissed a lot of what my peers were doing. "Being gay is not my whole identity," I'd say, proudly. "I am much, much more than who I sleep with."

I didn't know back then that I was constructing an even darker narrative than the one I was forced to accept when I was a teenager: the gender identity that I thought I could inhabit safely and wholly -- a gay -- ended up betraying me again, and I had no other choice but to numb that hurt (a different story, but enter addiction). Other "gays" were so quick to dismantle the familiarity I was hoping for, even at my liberal arts university. It wasn't long before I found my way to the real culprit here: language itself.

Linguistics, one of my passions in school, unlocked so many new pathways forward for me. I could haughtily dismiss the prescriptive grammarians who espoused restrictive rules and order, declaring those Old Ways dated and not vogue. I could wield the freedom of curiosity like a sword, hacking through the patriarchal power that words held over our society, and I quickly snubbed pronouns altogether. 'Why must we all be thrust into a binary?' and 'Why are some entire languages constructed around this image of the dominant male versus the subordinate female?' were conversations I liked to have with people, which quickly turned into, 'Why can't men wear dresses? Clothing is just something to cover our nakedness; men USED to wear dresses, after all!'

In short, like most college students, I gained the ability to question our world's modus operandi. The word on my lips, to the chagrin of my professors (or joy, depending on who it was), was "Why?" Why must men like sports and women cook? Why are gay men who like makeup the last picked for dates? Why are lesbians the outcasts of the queer community?

Essentially, I was every other non-hetero experiencing the bright sunbeams of their self-awareness flicker through the clouds of our society that prefer tidy predictability: why must a person who is born with a penis never cry?

Fast forward several years, and I'm confronted by the same thoughts and feelings that occurred during my identity renaissance, but at a corporate level. In my current role, hiring and firing are among my duties, and I've experienced an array of conflicting conversations regarding this practice, especially as they relate to someone's identity.

In one example, a manager said, "It's maybe my bias here, but I don't want to see the man succeed. Let's investigate why other people have encouraged him to apply and go with the woman." This manager, who I respect completely, also identifies as a woman. I shrugged, assuming I missed something -- the other candidate (the woman) scored a lot lower in the process compared to the man, and the other interviewers for this role also identified as women. We did move forward with the second candidate and the man bowed out of the process, but it all felt a little forced. A little bit of that same "othering" felt like it was coming alive here for me, despite this entire situation being centered around a man being disadvantaged.

A few weeks later, in a casual conversation, the same manager said, "Guys don't know what it's like to have to fight for everything they have. Right, Shay? You can admit that."

Ah. That was the energy I was sensing. I was being joined into the same category as the "men" again.

I agree with this assessment of inherent male privilege, as an aside. The men who were invited to sleepovers, who had a lot of other male friends, who didn't ever have any rainbows to take off, who could walk into a room and never be afraid that they would stand out for their invisible otherness, who never experienced the cruel digs at their identities before they knew what their identity was -- they probably didn't have to fight hard. But I ... I had this:

You can't play with our Barbies, Shay. You're a boy. That's gross. You can't be on our team anymore, faggot. Go play with the girls. You aren't masculine enough. Butch up. Which bathroom do you use, queer? If you're going in that one, I'll wait here. I don't know how you haven't killed yourself yet, you boy-girl.

And I know it isn't that manager's fault. She knows my pronouns as "he/him," and I've never really thought to correct that. She sees me as a tall, bearded, male-presenting person, and so the assumption is clear to her that I inhabit this body comfortably, and from my newfound confidence from these past few sober years, it probably seems like I've always been this way: happily ambiguous, makeup-wearing and proud.

She doesn't know that a few years before this conversation happened, this moment was part of my story: A time when I was sharing with someone that I wanted to join the Account Management department at a former company, and their answer was: You wouldn't fit in with that culture, Shay. It's kind of a boy's club, you know? Not for you. Stay in Support. and that people who remember me from the past say: Wow -- I didn't peg you to be the type to work in tech. Isn't that where dudes work? Weren't you better off at Sephora?

She doesn't know any of my story, actually. All she can know is that I've never corrected how she interprets my outward presentation. And I know what this sounds like. Another white guy is complaining about not being as marginalized as X.

So, I'm stuck here now, living in the distance between being proud of my fight for what I have and being afraid of how I'll be perceived if I resist when people look at my body and claim some sort of awareness about my journey. If I accept what my mirror says -- a white, male-presenting person -- then I have to ignore the gritted teeth and sheer determination (and the rape and the numbing of my memories with alcohol and the physical assault and the fear at night I have because I "can't take my rainbow off") that it took for me to break into a world that wasn't built for me. I have to start wearing only "boy" clothes again and never do my eyebrows, and I have to "butch up" and "stop crying." It would mean that I ignore the fact that my every atom resents the word "male" on government forms because I have never been, and never will be, what the world thinks of when that word is uttered. I do not share the boys' club experience; it was never an option for me (just ask the ladies at the supermarket who told my mother the 7-year-old version of me needed to be beaten up a little to "toughen me up").

I don't really mind what words you use to label me -- he, they, she, it all feels a little arbitrary -- but whatever you do, please do not tell me that you understand my journey because you can see the beard on my face. To do so would be to invalidate the hell I've climbed out of to be here. And please be kind to people who pushback on your perceptions of their identities. We all struggle in this life, and to hold everyone accountable to a binary we were born into is pretty limiting. If you feel content and whole in your gender that was assigned at birth, then first: I'm truly so happy for you. Second, I hope you can also be open and curious about other stories.

All of this to say: I don't think I'm a man or a woman. I don't know what that means or how I'll proceed from here, but it feels so freeing to stop pretending that I have to fit in. I can just be ... me, beard hair, lipstick, dresses, hiking, and all, and if my story can help someone else who's struggling to find their way, then I'm happy to have told it. This is for you.

And to all the nonbinary, gender fluid, and, most importantly, the extraordinary members of the trans community who've boldly and proudly made this language possible for me to explore: thank you. Thank you for making the world suddenly click into place for me, 34 years later.

[kitkatt0430]

Do you have any Cisco/Kamilla as parents headcannons?

I've got more parent!Cisco headcanons than parent!Kamilla, but I definitely have some thoughts on the matter.

Both Cisco and Kamilla are pretty relaxed, understanding, and kind people. So I definitely see them both as being great parents. I also don't see them wanting to have more than two kids, though they probably only initially intended to have just one. They definitely name their Team Flash friends as honorary aunts and uncles and I can see them making Barry and Iris their kids godparents.

Kamilla loves doing art projects with the kids. So does Cisco, but he's more of a structural artist type - sewing projects, jewelry making, and sculpture type stuff - while she's more of a visual artist - photography, sketching, painting, etc. So they both have their ways of connecting with the kids while they're still young.

Cisco's got a couple of fears related to being a parent, though. His first and biggest fear is that despite removing his powers, his kids will somehow inherit those abilities anyway. As cool as the breaches and offensive abilities were, the visions were a headache and a half. He does not want his kids struggling with that and it's a relief to him each time they confirm the kids are not vibers. They've probably inherited his potential, but as long as they aren't accidentally exposed to dark matter then it's not a problem.

His second biggest fear is one that probably doesn't pop up until they decide to have kid #2. And it's one to do with how he was raised. His parents played favorites with him and Dante; nothing Cisco ever did was good enough, but they treated Dante like he could do no wrong. And it hurt Cisco because he never felt adequate... but it also hurt Dante because he couldn't move forward with his life when his parents were holding him back, putting his past achievements on a pedestal that he felt like his future couldn't measure up to. So Cisco is terrified of turning into his parents and playing favorites, hurting both his kids in the process. But I also see him recognizing this is probably something he could use some therapy to work out and between that and Kamilla's support and how much Cisco loves his kids, it'd work out okay. He'd realize that choosing not to be like his parents is a decision he makes every day. He'll make mistakes as a parent, but as long as he keeps trying to do better then he really will be a good dad.

Since we only got about a season and a half of Kamilla, we don't really know much about her family. So it's hard to gauge what kind of worries she'd have about parenthood. I definitely think she'd have some - certainly most parents-to-be have questions and concerns about themselves becoming a parent - but I think Kamilla and Cisco's love and support of each other is pretty much rock solid. So those concerns are things they tackle together.

I don't really think they'd raise the kids to be religious. They'd celebrate Christmas and Easter, but it'd be more secularized versions than anything else.

While timing their first kid around the time Nora's supposed to be born might be too soon for Kamilla and Cisco to start having a kid - I'm pretty sure when I did the math for Nora's birth year, it would need to be 2023. But I could see them timing having a kid not too long after Bart's born so that they could get Bart's hand-me-down clothing for their baby. (When my nephew was born, my sister had one friend who'd just had a baby a few months earlier and another who was due in a month or so. There was definitely some baby clothes that got passed down from one growing baby to the next for a while there.)

As for baby names? I think at least one of them - probably the first one - would get named after Harry in some form or fashion. Probably a middle name, so it's a little less of a 'dead guy junior' type trope going on. Or maybe they'd use Jesse's name somehow, since that would also be a way to honor Harry's memory too. Alternatively, I can see Cisco wanting to pass on Dante's name - despite how rocky things were with his brother, he never stopped loving Dante. It's less clear to me what names Kamilla might want to pass on to her kids or if she's the type to want to use family names vs the type who wants to give her kids names that are entirely their own without passing forward the baggage of the past. (The controversies of baby naming; thank goodness I only have to worry about naming any OCs I might write or dogs. Which, admittedly, are both kinda like naming babies anyway.)

Honestly, it's such a shame that Jenna is barely ever seen on the show. I do get why, given the challenges that having child actors poses, but having Team Flash babysitting would have been incredibly cute. And perhaps given us a glimpse of what they'll be like when they're finally parents themselves.